High/low libido

[Sfvia]

Hello everyone🙂

my boyfriend and me of almost 4,5 years have a problem, it is about our sexual relationship.

 

in the begin we casually talked about sexual stuff, and we already did sexting (just the normal stuff), some time later we would also have sex with each other 1,(2) per week (in the weekends, I still live with my mom, and we have/had school).

 

Now years later me and my sexual feelings changed, I don’t think of sex anymore nor do I have a high libido, so 1x per week is enough for me, even in the vacation. Sometimes I still think having no sex won’t affect me at all (I don’t need it?).

But my boyfriend has a high sex drive and a libido so he wants it often than 1x of course, so we’re struggling with this subject. We don’t want to force each other to change, and we don’t know what to do at this point. He just told me he’s not sure what will happen in the future and that part scared me. He also recommended if we took a break with each other and maybe it will help he said because I will miss him and maybe my sex drive will change? (I honestly don’t think it will change, this is just me). So I wanted to ask for advise from other people, or if they also experienced this,

what did you/they do?

((I already tried medicine etc btw))

 

thank you in advance.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Sfvia said:

. He just told me he’s not sure what will happen in the future and that part scared me. He also recommended if we took a break with each other 

How is the rest of the relationship?  If you feel it's abnormal for you, you could see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done.

However beware of manipulation such as breakup threats or "taking breaks". 

[Andrina]

6 minutes ago, Sfvia said:

He also recommended if we took a break with each other and maybe it will help he said because I will miss him and maybe my sex drive will change?

This is the most concerning part of what you've written. IMO, he's a very uncaring individual. If that's a show of how he operates, maybe you've lost interest in sex because he's mentally abusive toward you, or possesses other bad traits you're not revealing, and maybe ones you think are normal in a relationship, but they're not.

For your own knowledge, and not necessarily to save this relationship, which might not be worth saving, you might want to get your hormones checked. It'd be good to know if this is what your normal libido is, or if your libido is affected by what's going on with your hormones.

As said, also consider how your bf treats you. What are his good traits? What are his bad traits? 

16 minutes ago, Sfvia said:

He just told me he’s not sure what will happen in the future and that part scared me.

Sounds like you've been together since your late teens. It would be scary for you to no longer have him in your life, but aren't you worthy of someone who doesn't threaten, and works with you in a more caring way to solve problems?

Just because you love a man, doesn't mean he should continue being your partner. What are your standards for a lifetime partner? Have you thought of what a man in that coveted role in your life should have and which dealbreakers he should lack?

[Sfvia]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How is the rest of the relationship?  If you feel it's abnormal for you, you could see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done.

However beware of manipulation such as breakup threats or "taking breaks". 

Our relationship is great, he takes care of me and I of him. This is the only part of our relationship that has a problem, but it is a big problem because ‘sex is very high for him in the list in a relationship’, and for me it’s affection like hugs kisses and doing activities with each other, sex is kinda low for me. But it’s a relationship thing of course. I used birth control in the beginning of our relationship and I thought that changed my libido level but I stopped a while ago so that’s not the case, I thinks testing my hormone levels will be a good idea.

[Kwothe28]

43 minutes ago, Sfvia said:

He also recommended if we took a break with each other and maybe it will help he said because I will miss him and maybe my sex drive will change?

Let me translate: "We should break up so I can try other vaginas".

Also, have you ever though that you are not sexually compatible if you have no sex drive and he wants to hump other vaginas?

[Batya33]

I'd be gone if someone suggested a way for me to be more interested in sex was to have him go out and be apart from me and bed other women.  Really???

[boltnrun]

I would not be compatible with someone who considered "hugs, kisses and activities" as an acceptable substitute for sex. I have a very high sex drive and would not fit well with someone who only wants sex once a week or not at all.

What your boyfriend should have done instead of suggesting a "break" so he can have sex with others and also hoping it would motivate you to "change" is to discuss with you whether or not you're actually compatible. And if you're not, you can go your separate ways in a respectful way.

I would ask to have a calm conversation so you can arrive at the right conclusion. 

[Sfvia]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I would not be compatible with someone who considered "hugs, kisses and activities" as an acceptable substitute for sex. I have a very high sex drive and would not fit well with someone who only wants sex once a week or not at all.

What your boyfriend should have done instead of suggesting a "break" so he can have sex with others and also hoping it would motivate you to "change" is to discuss with you whether or not you're actually compatible. And if you're not, you can go your separate ways in a respectful way.

I would ask to have a calm conversation so you can arrive at the right conclusion. 

We already discussed this for a long time and we understand each other that we’re different with that, but there is no solution at the end, we’re just stuck now.

[boltnrun]

Just now, Sfvia said:

We already discussed this for a long time and we understand each other that we’re different with that, but there is no solution at the end, we’re just stuck now.

At some point one of you is going to have to make a decision. Either he goes without as much sex willingly or you choose to have more sex to accommodate him. There's no third option unless you are willing to have an open relationship. Of course, cheating is never acceptable.

And if neither of you is willing to make a lifelong change, unfortunately you are incompatible and will have to make the tough decision to break up, even if you do sincerely love one another. 

[Sfvia]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

At some point one of you is going to have to make a decision. Either he goes without as much sex willingly or you choose to have more sex to accommodate him. There's no third option unless you are willing to have an open relationship. Of course, cheating is never acceptable.

And if neither of you is willing to make a lifelong change, unfortunately you are incompatible and will have to make the tough decision to break up, even if you do sincerely love one another. 

That is very true I don’t see us with an open relationship, and I don’t see us break up with each other. I will talk with him once more about this and ask people around us for advice. Thank you for taking your time to read my story, and thank you so much for your reply and advice.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Sfvia said:

That is very true I don’t see us with an open relationship, and I don’t see us break up with each other. I will talk with him once more about this and ask people around us for advice. Thank you for taking your time to read my story, and thank you so much for your reply and advice.

It wouldn't be an open relationship for the right reasons and you do not have the stomach for it -who would - it would be an arrangement where he would get serviced by women who wanted to have intercourse with him so that he could then just play huggy and kissy face and cuddle with you.  That's not the reason to have an open relationship with someone.

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, Sfvia said:

and ask people around us for advice.

I would like to strongly caution you against doing this. Maybe discuss it with ONE trusted friend, preferably one who doesn't know him. Otherwise you'll be sharing your extremely personal details with your friend group. And that almost always turns out badly.

Would you be willing to have sex more frequently in order to accommodate his higher sex drive?

[1a1a]

I bet your libido would increase with the right person. Maybe you’re very endeared to this one though and you’d like to keep him if possible. Next time you kiss can you imagine yourself back when you were kissing each other for the first time? Can you remember the butterflies in your stomach, the stirrings of desire? Do you remember why he’s the one you chose? 
 

We can definitely make a conscious choice to say yes to sex more often (although please don’t feel obliged to. In my experience I lose my libido for someone but I always enjoy it when we get going. If you’re feeling that you don’t want to be doing this persists from start to finish there’s important information there). 

[Sfvia]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I would like to strongly caution you against doing this. Maybe discuss it with ONE trusted friend, preferably one who doesn't know him. Otherwise you'll be sharing your extremely personal details with your friend group. And that almost always turns out badly.

Would you be willing to have sex more frequently in order to accommodate his higher sex drive?

Oh wow yeah that’s true I forgot about that.

I will ask a close friend of mine then.

 

and yeah I want to make this right to try to have more sex for his high sex drive, but I want to have the feeling that ‘I want it too you know’

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, Sfvia said:

Oh wow yeah that’s true I forgot about that.

I will ask a close friend of mine then.

 

and yeah I want to make this right to try to have more sex for his high sex drive, but I want to have the feeling that ‘I want it too you know’

Totally understandable. Sex should be enjoyable for the both of you. And you should have sex because you desire it, not because someone else expects it of you.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Totally understandable. Sex should be enjoyable for the both of you. And you should have sex because you desire it, not because someone else expects it of you.

Yes but I am a fan of having it even if you are tired/not quite in the mood for your partner and often as 1a1a said that can get you in the mood. Obviously what's comfortable depends on the individual -some only will have sex if they're 100% into it, others will try to see if starting foreplay helps, etc.

[reinventmyself]

 

There is a compromise here.  If he loves you and cares about your needs, he should be able to adjust a little.  The same goes for you. If you care about him and his needs. . . 

You come up with a plan that works.  

There's an old school therapeutic marriage principle - that you schedule sex and have it whether you are in the mood or not.  Not saying I totally agree with that.  But it's kinda like exercising.  We don't always feel like it, but we are always glad we did it - after the fact.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

 

There is a compromise here.  If he loves you and cares about your needs, he should be able to adjust a little.  The same goes for you. If you care about him and his needs. . . 

You come up with a plan that works.  

There's an old school therapeutic marriage principle - that you schedule sex and have it whether you are in the mood or not.  Not saying I totally agree with that.  But it's kinda like exercising.  We don't always feel like it, but we are always glad we did it - after the fact.

Speaking as a parent many new parents or parents of younger children can't be too spontaneous and have to "schedule" so unless one person really can't/really doesn't want to - it's off to bed you go.

 

[Sfvia]

33 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

 

There is a compromise here.  If he loves you and cares about your needs, he should be able to adjust a little.  The same goes for you. If you care about him and his needs. . . 

You come up with a plan that works.  

There's an old school therapeutic marriage principle - that you schedule sex and have it whether you are in the mood or not.  Not saying I totally agree with that.  But it's kinda like exercising.  We don't always feel like it, but we are always glad we did it - after the fact.

To be honest it is like this for the last years, we do it on Friday/saturday and we expect it to do it the next Friday/Saturday. So yeah it is almost like a schedule but sometimes I just can’t you know, and like what the other person said about doing it, even if you’re tired and not wanting to (physically and mentally) I am like that too.

I can of course just have sex with him without wanting to etc but he knows that in my mind I only do it for him, and he doesn’t like that and stops immediately. I understand that it’s not nice for him but I don’t mind and I always say just ignore me and go do your thing😅.. for me that’s okay.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Sfvia said:

To be honest it is like this for the last years, we do it on Friday/saturday and we expect it to do it the next Friday/Saturday. So yeah it is almost like a schedule but sometimes I just can’t you know, and like what the other person said about doing it, even if you’re tired and not wanting to (physically and mentally) I am like that too.

I can of course just have sex with him without wanting to etc but he knows that in my mind I only do it for him, and he doesn’t like that and stops immediately. I understand that it’s not nice for him but I don’t mind and I always say just ignore me and go do your thing😅.. for me that’s okay.

How does he know you're not into it?

[boltnrun]

32 minutes ago, Sfvia said:

I always say just ignore me and go do your thing😅.. for me that’s okay.

But I doubt it's OK with him. I would not enjoy sex with someone who was just lying there waiting for me to get it over with.

It's hard for me to understand because like I said I have a very high sex drive. I don't think I've ever turned my partner down or not been in the mood. I have been turned down but I was fine with it as long as it wasn't a regular thing. 

I do hope the two of you can work out a compromise that works for the both of you.

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

But I doubt it's OK with him. I would not enjoy sex with someone who was just lying there waiting for me to get it over with.

It's hard for me to understand because like I said I have a very high sex drive. I don't think I've ever turned my partner down or not been in the mood. I have been turned down but I was fine with it as long as it wasn't a regular thing. 

I do hope the two of you can work out a compromise that works for the both of you.

Definitely say no if you're just going to lie there. I could not agree more.  That is just unkind to your partner.  If I'm very tired/not quite in the mood and I say yes it's because I know I can get myself in the mood and I do - I would never just lie there or signal in any way that I wasn't yet into it - and sure my husband can tell if he is the one who initiates if I am tired (I mean isn't tired working parent sort of repetitive?) - and I might not be hanging from the chandelier but I am into it with him -whether I am "into it into it" or doing what I need to do to get into it - of course he doesn't want to be with me just for me to lie there (who would?)

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Sfvia said:

. We don’t want to force each other to change. He just told me he’s not sure what will happen in the future and that part scared me. 

It's important to make sure you remain true to yourself. Threatening to leave is not a "compromise", it's my-way-or-the-highway.

[poorlittlefish]

If you're not comfortable having sex as much as he wants it, could you/would he be OK with other sexual activity that doesn't include penetration? Might that be a compromise both of you would be happier with?