Bf lied and has been looking at other girls online

[mochilove]

Hi, a boundary me and my bf decided before we entered relationship was no porn, as it makes me uncomfortable and is bad for mens brain anyways. My bf and I have a very active and good sex life, multiple times a day AND I give him handjobs everyday as well. (TMI, I know). but every night he goes and looks up naked girls on reddit and jerks off to them. He lied and said he didn't, then admitted he did, said it was "only once" then finally admitted he does it a lot. This broke me. I give him all of my body and he has a folder on his phone of my nudes, but instead of looking at them looks at other girls. I feel like I am unattractive and not good enough. And I am mostly upset that he lied and broke my trust. How can I know he isn't lying about other things too? I know a lot of people say "oh men have their needs and some watch porn to get it" which I understand, but the amount of sex we have I don't understand why he went and did that knowing it would hurt me. I want to dump him so he knows I am serious and I don't wanna signal that he can keep lying. but I do love him a lot and he is very sweet in other aspects so I am really torn right now. Why does he lust after other women while claiming to be in love with me? he cried begging me to forgive him but after dating a porn addict before him, I really do not wanna enter another situation like that as it traumatized me.

[reinventmyself]

You didn't mention your ages.  

Even at best, you will spend a lifetime wandering if he is hiding it and an equal amount of time policing it.

Trust is earned and once broken difficult to regain.  I am going to assume you are young.  Easy for me to say, but I'd throw this one back.

Him lusting after other women has nothing to do with you.  He's likely young and his hormones are in overdrive.  From what you've shared you have a very active sex life.  There isn't much more you can do to satisfy him.  This isn't about you.

You might take a long look if there is any coincidence you may have attracted 2 sex addicts.

[mochilove]

2 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

You didn't mention your ages.  

Even at best, you will spend a lifetime wandering if he is hiding it and an equal amount of time policing it.

Trust is earned and once broken difficult to regain.  I am going to assume you are young.  Easy for me to say, but I'd throw this one back.

Him lusting after other women has nothing to do with you.  He's likely young and his hormones are in overdrive.  From what you've shared you have a very active sex life.  There isn't much more you can do to satisfy him.  This isn't about you.

You might take a long look if there is any coincidence you may have attracted 2 sex addicts.

we are both 21. Yes, young and hormonal, I just definitely thought with the amount of sexual things we do that would fulfill but alas it didn't and this is his problem, thank you. Definitely possible I attracted 2 sex addicts

[Tinydance]

I'm sorry but I think you're probably incompatible and the relationship won't work because you don't agree on porn. I'm not defending him because he lied to you about watching porn and obviously lying is bad. The thing is though that watching porn is one of those things where it's actually a personal opinion whether it's good or bad. There are actually also women that watch porn, and I'm actually one of them.

So I think the important thing is to actually find someone who agrees with your views on porn to begin with. If you're dating a guy who actually likes to watch porn, I doubt he's just magically going to change. Many women post about exactly the same thing. That their boyfriend said he wouldn't watch porn but he still does. So what I think that's telling you is that he actually DOES want to watch porn and he doesn't share your views on it. If he went periods of time without watching it, it would only be because you're telling him not to. In reality he doesn't actually want to stop.

The fact that he's watching porn has nothing to do with not being attracted to or that your sex life isn't good. I watch porn so I can explain how I feel about it that might maybe help you realise that it's nothing bad about you. I just watch porn if I'm horny and I just want something to look at. Logically I know the people in porn are real people but I just don't think of them as "real". If I'm going to be honest I often don't even find the people that attractive because they usually look really fake and act fake. I think of it as for example watching a movie with a hot actor and maybe crushing on him but obviously you're not actually into him more than your partner. Because your partner is an actual real person who's with you and this is just a fantasy.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, mochilove said:

 I am mostly upset that he lied and broke my trust. How can I know he isn't lying about other things too?

This is the most important issue. You don't feel happy or safe with him.

The amount of sex and porn is secondary. Basically you're incompatible on this issue. 

It's affecting your self esteem and happiness.  Step back and discontinue appeasing his sexual appetite. This only feeds his habit at your expense rather than trying to replace his proclivities by offering too much of yourself.

[MissCanuck]

It's time to break up. 

You two are incompatible on a fundamental level and you will never feel at ease with him. At some point you will likely also get tired of desperately trying to sexually sate him to prevent him from looking at porn (and as you can see, that didn't work)

This isn't healthy for you. Let him go. 

[JTCW]

7 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

Him lusting after other women has nothing to do with you.  He's likely young and his hormones are in overdrive. 

This!

You are both so young and both have high sex drives. I was the same when I was 21 and met my husband. He liked porn allot and I had a huge problem with that. Gave me trust issues. But once we started living together he stopped looking at it. But what I've learned over the years is that it doesn't matter if they look at porn, it doesn't affect how they feel about you. Being young makes you feel insecure about these things, makes you feel that you're not enough, but that's not the case. As you get older and mature you'll realise it was never a threat to your relationship.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, mochilove said:

we are both 21. Yes, young and hormonal, I just definitely thought with the amount of sexual things we do that would fulfill but alas it didn't and this is his problem, thank you. Definitely possible I attracted 2 sex addicts

This sounds like a really intensely sex-focused/objectifying relationship -why is he not allowed to look at porn but you want him to look at nude photos of you during the day -does he demand that? Why do you "give him all of your body?" Are you doing that to prevent his straying/cheating? Do you enjoy knowing he is looking at your private parts in photos and do you enjoy giving him hand jobs daily and having sex that often -if you do -totally cool - but it sounds like you're jumping through hoops to "service" him so he'll remain faithful -why do you feel you need to do that?

[Jaunty]

You need to only date guys who are not interested in looking at porn.

If a guy is used to it and likes / wants to look at it, he's going to.

Honestly he was wrong to agree with you to not look at porn when he knew he would still do it.

That's where he went wrong.  

In reality, he should not need to tailor his masturbation routines to your comfort / discomfort level.  He has not been withholding sex or having bad sex with you, so why should he need to worry about this?

I DO respect your wish to not have porn included in your life in any way, but you will need to be with a man who feels that way too  - not expecting to control a man who likes porn and habitually looks at it.

[Cherylyn]

He's a liar.  Once a liar,  always a liar.  The only difference is when they get caught,  they learn to cover their tracks better. 

Also, if porn bothers you (as it would for me), be with a boyfriend who shares your same values and tells the truth. 

You need to dump him.

[mochilove]

15 hours ago, Batya33 said:

This sounds like a really intensely sex-focused/objectifying relationship -why is he not allowed to look at porn but you want him to look at nude photos of you during the day -does he demand that? Why do you "give him all of your body?" Are you doing that to prevent his straying/cheating? Do you enjoy knowing he is looking at your private parts in photos and do you enjoy giving him hand jobs daily and having sex that often -if you do -totally cool - but it sounds like you're jumping through hoops to "service" him so he'll remain faithful -why do you feel you need to do that?

I don't demand he looks at my pictures he just asked me for them for masturbation purposes and I gave them, but I guess they weren't used lol. And no, I also enjoy the sexual things we do, I never felt a need to service him, until now I found out about the porn. Now that this happened I feel like I do, but I know that's illogical. what is making it harder is this relationship is definitely not sex-focused, although it may seem that way from my post. We do truly love each other and get along well and were close platonic friends before dating so there is a good personal connection

[mochilove]

10 hours ago, Jaunty said:

You need to only date guys who are not interested in looking at porn.

If a guy is used to it and likes / wants to look at it, he's going to.

Honestly he was wrong to agree with you to not look at porn when he knew he would still do it.

That's where he went wrong.  

In reality, he should not need to tailor his masturbation routines to your comfort / discomfort level.  He has not been withholding sex or having bad sex with you, so why should he need to worry about this?

I DO respect your wish to not have porn included in your life in any way, but you will need to be with a man who feels that way too  - not expecting to control a man who likes porn and habitually looks at it.

He told me before we began dating that he was against porn, and he brought it up. So I went into this thinking it was not an issue. I never want to control what a man does, it makes me feel bad, which is why I feel so betrayed by his lying. He opened up to me and said it is an addictive compulsion he wants to change, so I'm not sure if I should stay while he fixes addiction or if that is a lie and he will not actually stop.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, mochilove said:

 I'm not sure if I should stay while he fixes addiction or if that is a lie and he will not actually stop.

Unfortunately you're enabling that with the misguided attempt to control his proclivities by becoming another one of his sex objects to feed his "addiction". He's doing you harm. Not because of the porn but because of the unhealthy dynamic. 

Step far away and reflect. You can't fix or change him. And feeding into his "addiction" by sending nudes and over satisfying him will simply erode your self esteem.

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, mochilove said:

I don't demand he looks at my pictures he just asked me for them for masturbation purposes and I gave them, but I guess they weren't used lol. And no, I also enjoy the sexual things we do, I never felt a need to service him, until now I found out about the porn. Now that this happened I feel like I do, but I know that's illogical. what is making it harder is this relationship is definitely not sex-focused, although it may seem that way from my post. We do truly love each other and get along well and were close platonic friends before dating so there is a good personal connection

OK good on the other aspects of your relationship- when he told you he was "against porn" -what does that even mean? Did you ask?Is he a very religious person? Did he mean certain aspects of porn like child porn?? And if he is addicted as he believes then this makes no sense - unless he is "against" being addicted to porn because he is struggling? 

How do you get along well when you feel you cannot trust him?

[Jaunty]

Now you know, he looks at pictures of other women while he chokes his chicken.  

You can't control his masturbation practices and it was unwise for you to base your relationship on this premise.  

At this point it's become an issue of trust, because he lied.  

I'm not defending the lying but also I think that a lot of men who are not "liars" per se will be so up against a wall when it comes to being held accountable for how they whip the willy that they might.  

No win situation.

 

[CrazyWife]

I agree with the other comments saying you are both not suited. As a woman who watches porn and who has a husband who watches porn, I wouldn't expect him to stop watching it and I certainly wouldn't have someone trying to police me on the matter. Probably hence why me and him are compatible as it doesn't bother either of us. 

Please don't think any of this has anything to do with you. It's not you at all. You will find the right person for you but you won't if you are with the wrong one so for your sake, move on. 

 

[catfeeder]

You're not going to change the guy, so what do you want to do about this? Either you view yourself as compatible with this guy or not.