How to cope with Single Loneliness?

[PRZ1988]

I'm sick of being single. I feel like I'm completely invisible to every woman on the planet. I don't blame them or anything. You can't help what you're attracted to. And clearly they're not attracted to guys like me.

I know some people say "there's more to life than having a girlfriend" and that's true. But love and intimacy are still necessary conditions for happiness. There's no point pretending that we don't need it. However, it's obviously something that I'm destined never to have.

It's become a vicious cycle. Women love confidence, right? How can I become confident when women are utterly uninterested in me? Confidence comes from positive reinforcement. Even success in business or academia doesn't necessarily translate to confidence with the opposite sex. It's based on someone's natural charisma and good looks. I've spent a lot of time, money and effort trying to improve myself but I've never reaped any benefits. None at all.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so scared of becoming a lonely middle-aged man, sitting in my bedsit eating tv dinners with no company, no family, no love.... nothing. I will honestly punch out early if I'm drawn inexorably towards that future 😔

[bluecastle]

Sorry about all this. 

Can I ask how old you are? Just trying to get a sense of how close middle age is, per your fears of being "that guy" when the time comes. 

I'm also curious to understand what you're doing to meet people: Are you on the apps, regularly asking people out, going on dates?

And per the confidence bit: Putting aside the question of women and romance for a moment, what in life are you confident in? I find that breathing air into those places has a way of affecting the others.  

[PRZ1988]

1 minute ago, bluecastle said:

Sorry about all this. 

Can I ask how old you are? Just trying to get a sense of how close middle age is, per your fears of being "that guy" when the time comes. 

I'm also curious to understand what you're doing to meet people: Are you on the apps, regularly asking people out, going on dates?

And per the confidence bit: Putting aside the question of women and romance for a moment, what in life are you confident in? I find that breathing air into those places has a way of affecting the others.  

I'm 35 years old. I feel like my life is pretty much over, it's just a matter of time.

I have tried dating sites in the past. I messaged people, even tried to make my openers personable and profile-specific but got nothing. And no women messaged me (of course).

I've long felt like the most invisible man on the planet. I see my friends and cousins find girlfriends, get married, have kids etc.... and I can't find one girl to give me the time of day. 😔

[Betterwithout]

Hi OP.
Thanks for opening up.  Getting it all out on paper must help and it seems like you are pretty self-aware which is a good thing.
I can relate to this, as I felt very unattractive when I was younger.  It took many many years to develop  confidence.  I was horrible at sports, got bullied, my family moved many times when I was young and I found it difficult make friends being so transplanted.
What worked for me was some inner work to develop a "it's ok to be different" and I eventually embraced my differences.   I re-jigged my outward appearance several times as a teen and then again in my 20's.  It was only in my early 20's that I felt confident and good in my own skin.  Fortunately, around the same time college opened myself up to some really great friends.  For the first time ever, I had made some strong real friends.  Still friends decades later.

Looking back, it was two things the contributed at this timeline to finding love... 
1) I felt confident, loved, worthy
2) The 4 strong friendships I made.

Without these two things, I was undatable.

Of course many people find love just as easily with being in the right place at the right time, or being blessed with good looks and unshakable confidence, but that was my experience.

I met some great friends of a friend before and they all met in a exercise spin class.
They were really tight knit and I was actually surprised they only met that year, they acted like they were friends for decades.

Is there something you can do to positively shake things up in your life to build confidence?
Maybe a new hobby, sport, social group, etc.
You'd be amazed how many connections with women you can make just doing great things with the guys.

The world is yours, but you need to make that first step!
 

Good luck!

[PRZ1988]

13 minutes ago, Betterwithout said:

Is there something you can do to positively shake things up in your life to build confidence?
Maybe a new hobby, sport, social group, etc.
You'd be amazed how many connections with women you can make just doing great things with the guys. 

My problem is that my confidence is so low that I have developed severe social anxiety. I would rather people didn't know me at all than know the real me, if that makes sense?

[SooSad33]

11 minutes ago, PRZ1988 said:

My problem is that my confidence is so low that I have developed severe social anxiety. I would rather people didn't know me at all than know the real me, if that makes sense?

Have you done therapy or considered it?  I found it does help.  So you can have some assistance in dealing with your low confidence/ social anxiety and maybe ways to work on this. As having these issue's will in fact hinder your 'ability' to try much anymore 😕 .

Maybe also consider speaking with your doctor about this anxiety.  See what they say or can do to help you out. ( a therapist cannot prescribe anything).

Do you still go out, hang with friends, etc?

 

[Betterwithout]

18 minutes ago, PRZ1988 said:

My problem is that my confidence is so low that I have developed severe social anxiety. I would rather people didn't know me at all than know the real me, if that makes sense?

Many of us put on masks and use "fake it till you make it" personality skills. 
This can work to a certain extent, but eventually as the relationship gets closer, the true colours shine through which is why it is so KEY to not "try" to be confident, but rather build a foundation of confidence and lots of self work to get there.  We can learn from kids learning how to ride a bike.  they can fall in front of people, scrape their knee and elbows and still have resilience to try it again until they get it.  I had many relationship failures including my first marriage, but I knew it was just another failure that I had to overcome.   The more I fail, the better equipped I am to handling the mistake.

Are you currently in therapy for your social anxiety?  Often we can't face stuff like this alone, and finding a good therapist can also be good.  At the minimum they are a good person to open up to.   
I would also suggest journalling and writing down your thoughts, dreams aspirations.  That along with therapy can be very helpful in moving forward.

[Lambert]

I echo @bluecastle question.... what other areas of your life do you find yourself confident in?

I probably am "that person" you mention.  I am single, middle aged, don't have any kids.  And I am aware, it is scary and people can be kind of judgy about being single at a certain age.  However, I share this to tell you, buck up-- it's not that bad.  LOL. Eff all those people, they wish they were me.

You can choose to be a stereotype and feel like crap.  OR--- You build a life you like whether you are with someone or not.  However, if a finding a mate is a goal and it is, you have to think about 2 things-- And they are equally important.

1. what are you looking for in a partner? 

2. what are you doing to be a good partner to someone else?  

Sounds like maybe you have tried a lot of things, but here's the rub-- it doesn't matter, you still have work to do.  You can't let it be an excuse to give up.  

Have you ever heard of a professional organization called Toast Masters?  It's a public speaking group.  And everyone there is building confidence.  What about other interests just for the sake of enjoying yourself?  Usually when we like things, it is because we have an interest or are good at them.  What are some of the things you would like to pursue?  Not because you will meet a woman, but because you are truly interested in it. 

My point is-- get busy living your life.  Working on yourself.  Just because what you have been doing hasn't worked, doesn't mean you should quit.  Overcome your challenges, don't surrender to them-- that's what life is all about... a series of challenges to be met and overcome... over and over.

Focus on the good you have, it will build more good.  

 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, PRZ1988 said:

How can I become confident when women are utterly uninterested in me?

Easy. By not making women approval a priority. Heck, in a lots of cases, that is the key to success. Do you think men who are successful with women care what those women think of them? Heck no. If one doesnt want them, they go to the other. But like this, you give a lot of meaning to approval from women. So you get interested in somebody, get rejected and get dissapointed thinking how its the end of the world. Not trying again for a while. Its a cycle.

Ultimately, you need to believe that you are good enough. That you have something to offer out there. Anything, not even how small. Maybe a good job, maybe you are funny, maybe just a decent human being. But you need to believe that. And that even if a woman tells you "No, I will never be with you, you are the most hideous being on the planet", you just shrug it off and tell "Eh, whatever, goodbye". Heck if you could pull that off, it would show confidence beyond anything. 

[Lambert]

8 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Easy. By not making women approval a priority. Heck, in a lots of cases, that is the key to success. Do you think men who are successful with women care what those women think of them? Heck no. If one doesnt want them, they go to the other. But like this, you give a lot of meaning to approval from women. So you get interested in somebody, get rejected and get dissapointed thinking how its the end of the world. Not trying again for a while. Its a cycle.

Ultimately, you need to believe that you are good enough. That you have something to offer out there. Anything, not even how small. Maybe a good job, maybe you are funny, maybe just a decent human being. But you need to believe that. And that even if a woman tells you "No, I will never be with you, you are the most hideous being on the planet", you just shrug it off and tell "Eh, whatever, goodbye". Heck if you could pull that off, it would show confidence beyond anything. 

Amen @Kwothe28

[Coily]

I'll start off with saying it's very hard not to feel invisible in your 30s when wanting to date. You're making your way through solo and you don't like the feeling that there is "Something wrong." Maybe with you, or the circles you move in, or society as a whole. There is a s-tonne of people who will dismiss this angst, give you cliche's about how it could be worse with the wrong partner and you have to love yourself. While well intentioned, it also feels a lot like "shut up you filthy man." You see others flit in and out of relationships without seemingly trying, you feel like no matter what you change, accomplish or overcome that nothing's going to help. I know I've been there, heck I am there.

There is always that thought that "maybe if I can just catch a break for a few months with anyone to date me I can learn enough for later." Then you find yourself at middle age wondering what just happened, it's frankly depressing.

That said, I think you are too focused on the relationship, and listening to all the pop-culture BS about relationships. Dating feels harder now than ever before (largely as our perspectives start at birth), but we are dealing with a very atomized dating culture these days. You have very harmful ideas from the extremes of male and female dating ideas tainting the dating market. Normal people are screwed either way.

I have already seen good advice above, I'll add in that a lot of it has to just putting yourself in places where women may happen to be; and who have similar values you do. It's less about confidence and more about taking social risks. it's easy to conflate the two, but they aren't exactly the same.

Another thing is going to places and just start talking to women, unless it's and angry feminist convention, you should focus on how to read cues and just learing to relax around the opposite sex. It will lend to the facade of confidence.

In the end, you don't have to be content with being single, but you have to work on the small building blocks. Be content with who you are. As i like to say, "I don't love myself, but I like myself as a friend."

 

[Cherylyn]

Yes, women love confidence.  You can become confident by focusing on yourself instead of worrying about what women think of you.  Concentrate on your health for starters because a sound body tends to give you sound mind because there's a direct correlation between optimal or very good physical health which in turn gives you stable mental health. 

I beg to differ.  Success in business or academia often times is a sign of confidence and having the "can do" spirit.  I've known so many people who are average looking at best and lack charisma yet they have the draw because they're doing well economically.  They are hard working and very honorable,  decent human beings.

I agree with others.  Put yourself out there by making friends.  Try organizations within your community because no one will flock to you.  You have to go to them.  Meet Ups, sports / fitness groups, charities, volunteerism, intellectual pursuits, hobbies, animals (if you're an animal lover), crafts, excursions / day trips or anything that interests you.  People know others.  Once they get to know you better, they can introduce you to new people in your life.   

You have to start somewhere.  Get off your duff and no more "woe is me" thoughts.  Think positively and take action to better your lot in life.  It starts with you.  No one will do it for you.

[1a1a]

Co sign the advice to get doing and get finding and maintaining meaningful connections with your people whoever and where ever they are. 
 

Adding getting regular massages (no, not for the happy ending, I’m a woman and no one has ever offered and if they did I’d probably feel too weird about it anyway). Aside from massage feeling great! I find this also keeps touch hunger at bay. There’s no cure for the longing that I know off except finding the one you long for but at least touch hunger is an easy fix. 

[spinstermanquee]

13 hours ago, 1a1a said:

Adding getting regular massages (no, not for the happy ending, I’m a woman and no one has ever offered and if they did I’d probably feel too weird about it anyway). Aside from massage feeling great! I find this also keeps touch hunger at bay. There’s no cure for the longing that I know off except finding the one you long for but at least touch hunger is an easy fix. 

Wow this is GREAT advice!  I've been getting massages for many years and agree wholeheartedly.

[P218428]

35 is still very young. I'm 34 and in an unhappy relationship. A lot of the feelings you have can be easily felt even if you are with someone, especially if you rush to find someone and it turns out to be the wrong person. You  have been given some great advice here. Try to go out there as much as you can (in small steps) and it will happen when you least expect it.