First meet tonight, should I go?

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

There’s a difference between wen a man or a girl is proposing this kind of dates… don’t you think? Just be honest.

I don't think there's a difference, no.

If you want to have sex early on, I don't think who suggests it is relevant. You're both there for a good time and that's fine. I don't see why you shot him down when you were here a couple days ago saying you wanted the same thing. 

[Sindy_0311]

19 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't think there's a difference, no.

If you want to have sex early on, I don't think who suggests it is relevant. You're both there for a good time and that's fine. I don't see why you shot him down when you were here a couple days ago saying you wanted the same thing. 

I just said sexual compatibility was important to me, I didn’t told him I wanted sex early.., 

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I just said sexual compatibility was important to me, I didn’t told him I wanted sex early.., 

I thought you were talking about the next date being dinner at your home? And then sex?

[boltnrun]

13 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I just said sexual compatibility was important to me, I didn’t told him I wanted sex early.., 

But you told US you intended to have sex with him on the next date so you wouldn't waste anymore time on a guy who didn't "fit". You would know if he "fit" and then could decide if you wanted to keep dating him. But you're upset that HE wanted sex? Maybe he wanted to see if you were a good "fit" for him so he wouldn't waste time with a woman whose "body" didn't fit him. 

[MissCanuck]

45 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I didn’t told him I wanted sex early.., 

I know. And he didn't tell you that, either. 

You are holding him to a double-standard. It is rather unfair of you to give him grief about it when you wanted sex soon, too.

Anyway, its moot now since you canceled. Chalk it up to a learning experience and keep moving. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

No, I see no difference between a man or a woman suggesting to have an at home date. Or to suggest having sex. And I'm being honest.

You said you wanted to have sex with him to see if his penis "fit" you and to see if you're sexually compatible. But it seems you wanted him to take you on a date first. Understood. 

Oh so when I wrote what I wrote below I didn't know about this.  I'm baffled.  I see no difference either and in your case -I mean he's telling you he's on the same page as you -you both are fans of early sex- you to see the penis-fit issue you mentioned-how you test compatibility - and him -I mean -I don't know could be any reason.  I would have thought you'd be pleased that you two were on the same page -no awkwardness or figuring out how your sexvatation would be received.  

Also no biggie that you cut him off/canceled - you met him recently and only once or twice? No biggie at all.  

[Sindy_0311]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

 

Also no biggie that you cut him off/canceled - you met him recently and only once or twice? No biggie at all.  

We met only twice. 

Maybe I just don’t like him enough to take a step forward. Him asking me first for the Netflix date just revealed that. 

 

[Jaunty]

6 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I just said sexual compatibility was important to me, I didn’t told him I wanted sex early.., 

You posted here that you wanted sex early.

Evidently he and you were on the same page.

What's the problem?

You seem incredibly controlling.  Every step of this non-relationship has been choreographed and maneuvered by you.

Not that it matters.  Nothing really happened except in your mind, and I guess a kiss or two. 

Next.

[Sindy_0311]

48 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

You posted here that you wanted sex early.

Evidently he and you were on the same page.

What's the problem?

You seem incredibly controlling.  Every step of this non-relationship has been choreographed and maneuvered by you.

Not that it matters.  Nothing really happened except in your mind, and I guess a kiss or two. 

Next.

We were on the same page. But I realized yesterday I don’t want to take that next step with him as I don’t like him enough. Would be a waste of time. And I have other things to deal with now. 
I also agree on the fact that It might seem to controlling, but I’m just trying to be cautious I think by fear of being played, which happened to me last year and I had a very hard time overcoming it. Maybe I will try to be more spontaneous next time… 
As you said, nothing happened, a kiss or two and no harm done. Next can wait… 

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 
I also agree on the fact that It might seem to controlling, but I’m just trying to be cautious I think by fear of being played, which happened to me last year and I had a very hard time overcoming it.

What exactly does "being played" look like to you?

You can't control what other people do.  If you're going to date, you are going to need to have some significant risk tolerance.  It doesn't seem like you have any.

[Kwothe28]

Actually what OP is feeling has some sense in the terms of modern society. Modern society encourages women to be sexually liberated and sleep around as much as men. So OP wants to sleep around and see if "that penis fits". She is now "sexually liberated woman after divorce and she had many pleasures from men and knows what pleasure is"(her words on the last page I think). But unfortunately for OP, she has learned the other side of medal too. That in the terms of the society, women sleeping around is not the same as men sleeping around. Men would just use her for sex, even men who dont intend to would maybe think she is "easy" as she puts up in the first few dates, and dont even go what other men or even women would think if they know that. 

So she comes to discrepancy. Where she wants to see if that penis fits. But has a societal barrier in doing so. Its a bit crude but what she is feeling makes sense a lot in that context.

[poorlittlefish]

Leave him cancelled. You are coming across as a bit of a diva - too many conditions, double standards and games for just two dates.

[Sindy_0311]

2 hours ago, Jaunty said:

What exactly does "being played" look like to you?

You can't control what other people do.  If you're going to date, you are going to need to have some significant risk tolerance.  It doesn't seem like you have any.

I got played by an Albanian guy last year, dating me for 3 month always showing much interest until the day he asked me for money, and not only for the bus ticket...

But in general: being played by guys pretending to look for something serious and displaying the behavior only to end caught in a casual relationship.

Many guys can show genuine interest in the beginning, and after 1 or 2 month of dating and having had sex they loose interest but still settle for a casual relationship with that girl, just for sex or for company. I know some male friends of mine doing this. Even my ex husband does it with is new girlfriend. He's been dating her for 8 or 9 month now and still comes to me asking for sex and saying that he only likes her for company but hasn't real feelings for her (and I believe him on that because I know him very well) 

I have been dating for one year now, multiple guys, experienced any kind of behaviours, and prefer not taking risks were there is no real spark to begin with. Logical. 

[Sindy_0311]

12 minutes ago, poorlittlefish said:

Leave him cancelled. You are coming across as a bit of a diva - too many conditions, double standards and games for just two dates.

A diva?? because I don't want the guy to invite me for a Netflix and chill after two dates? I assume you didn't read the whole discussion and how it began. I met him even if he displayed whacky behavior. 

FYI conditions act like a good filter in dating. 

 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Many guys can show genuine interest in the beginning, and after 1 or 2 month of dating and having had sex they loose interest but still settle for a casual relationship with that girl, just for sex or for company.

I think people can show genuine interest in getting to know each other whether the goal is potentially serious or casual dating or "I don't know" and if after a few months it makes the most sense to that person to keep it as casual dating that doesn't make the person a player.  Unless he or she told the other person she is definitely looking for a serious relationship and/or wants to be exclusive and not date others because she/he sees it as potentially serious.  Then if after 2 months the person says - I'm not ready for anything serious so can we keep dating and date others -that begins to look duplicitous.

I don't think a man who has sex with a woman right away is using her for sex -if he doesn't promise exclusivity or commitment and the woman is cool with that they are two consenting adults enjoying sex.  My future husband would not have had sex with me until and unless we were very serious about each other. I felt the same. 

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

. I cut him off tonight. I replied: do you think i should accept this indecent proposal?

😅

You did the right thing. You can stop seeing someone for whatever reason. In this case you didn't like his suggestion and that's fine.

If after just a couple of dates, you're already turned off by someone, it's better to cut your losses sooner rather than later.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You did the right thing. You can stop seeing someone for whatever reason. In this case you didn't like his suggestion and that's fine.

If after just a couple of dates, you're already turned off by someone, it's better to cut your losses sooner rather than later.

Yes- curiously her standards in giving chances/when to cut off were quite different in the beginning of this thread -responses that people like me weren't cutting slack enough in observing how flaky he was at the beginning -she wanted to accommodate his fears/baggage/insecurities and was quite critical of those who wouldn't have.  I don't know -it's subjective - totally see where I may have misread her initial standards as compared to her standards in this regard.  To me does seem like a strange about face particularly since she wanted to try him out for size ASAP.

Perhaps she just wasn't that into him and this was a convenient excuse/rationalization -how dare this man suggest watching a movie at his home for a second date -off with your head 😉

[Sindy_0311]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think people can show genuine interest in getting to know each other whether the goal is potentially serious or casual dating or "I don't know" and if after a few months it makes the most sense to that person to keep it as casual dating that doesn't make the person a player.  Unless he or she told the other person she is definitely looking for a serious relationship and/or wants to be exclusive and not date others because she/he sees it as potentially serious.  Then if after 2 months the person says - I'm not ready for anything serious so can we keep dating and date others -that begins to look duplicitous.

 

The players are the ones pretending to look for something serious, go on dates, hang out with you even if they know there is no potential for something but don't say it. They just take advantage of the benefits you can provide. And believe me when I say that I know plenty of those guys... 

[Sindy_0311]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes- curiously her standards in giving chances/when to cut off were quite different in the beginning of this thread -responses that people like me weren't cutting slack enough in observing how flaky he was at the beginning -she wanted to accommodate his fears/baggage/insecurities and was quite critical of those who wouldn't have.  I don't know -it's subjective - totally see where I may have misread her initial standards as compared to her standards in this regard.  To me does seem like a strange about face particularly since she wanted to try him out for size ASAP.

She didn't really had a problem with him showing some insecurities or flaws as she didn't even know him and didn't want to make assumption too fast. It's different when you start to engage in dating and you see some behaviors that don't fit your expectations...

I think I was being clear to him about not being interested in a hookup. I also tried to make him understand I wasn't a girl you can just propose a Netflix and chill date early on (also because I prefer doing it when I feel it) I asked him to plan something for the next date and that all he had in his pocket... Would he have invited me to some place to hang out, I would maybe have invited him to have a last drink home... you know, just "spontaneously". Finally I think I was right about his true interest towards me as he didn't even contact me since yesterday to try to fix the situation or propose something else as a last attempt. 

[boltnrun]

52 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I think I was right about his true interest towards me as he didn't even contact me since yesterday to try to fix the situation or propose something else as a last attempt. 

You told him no!  Trying to pursue you after you said no would be pushy and disrespectful.

I'm really confused about what you want.  You wanted to have sex with him to see if he "fit", but you're upset that he wanted to have sex with you (perhaps to see if you "fit"?).  And then you tell him "no", but you're upset that he respected your "no".  I don't get if you want this man to respect you or not.

[Jaunty]

7 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

A diva?? because I don't want the guy to invite me for a Netflix and chill after two dates? I assume you didn't read the whole discussion and how it began I met him even if he displayed whacky behavior. 

I agree with you 100% in cutting off a contact when you know you're no longer interested.

The "diva" thing comes from your position that you can be in complete control of the progression of your contact with this (or any) guy, but if they try to assert similar, you judge them harshly.

You planned to have sex with him without taking any more time to get to know him.   

He was pretty much on the same page as you.  

Him wanting to do that and asking you was not "worse" than you wanting to do the same thing. 

 

 

 

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

The players are the ones pretending to look for something serious, go on dates, hang out with you even if they know there is no potential for something but don't say it. They just take advantage of the benefits you can provide. And believe me when I say that I know plenty of those guys... 

The majority of dates don't lead to relationships, and the majority of relationships don't lead to long term commitments.  

It takes quite a while to know that there is no potential for a long term commitment.   Also sometimes a person has a sudden change of heart / opinion about somebody they're dating.  Humans are allowed to change our minds.

I bet that more than 50% of posts here where somebody thought they got "played" were really stories of dating that seemed like fun and going well for a while and then - not so much.   

It seems like your criteria could use some tweaking.   

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

he didn't even contact me since yesterday to try to fix the situation or propose something else as a last attempt. 

Why would he?

Your made it clear you were not interested. Expecting to hear from him again after that is silly. 

[poorlittlefish]

23 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

A diva?? because I don't want the guy to invite me for a Netflix and chill after two dates? I assume you didn't read the whole discussion and how it began. I met him even if he displayed whacky behavior. 

FYI conditions act like a good filter in dating. 

 

I read the whole thing. Jaunty and MissCanuck have said similar, so maybe you should go back through your posts and see how you contradict yourself. Expecting him to contact you and fix a situation that was just as much down to you is continuing the diva behaviour. Just leave each other alone. 

[Sindy_0311]

Turns out he re-engaged the conversation yesterday to where we left it. We have been explaining each other over text and we decided to see each other again in the evening. We ended up to my house talking and cuddling for a while. I noticed him being cautious and not trying to push things to fast. Later that evening, after we fell asleep on the sofa for an hour I made the move and we did it. He has been very respectful, putting protection and trying to please me as well. The test drive has been ok for my part. Then at 3am he left.