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First meet tonight, should I go?


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Hi, I wondering about a guy I’m supposed to date tonight for first time. We have been texting on an app for one week, conversation was good, respectful, trying to learn to know each other a bit. What I understood of him is he doesn’t go out a lot, doesn’t talk with other women and is kind a shy. He asked me out yesterday for today for a first meet. I agreed. This morning he sent me a weird text explaining that he would not come tonight as he isn’t ready to share anything with anyone right now, and apologized to make me lose my time. And simply replied I understood and thanked him for his honesty. Then he said maybe we should see each other anyway and enjoy the drink. I said ok, and then he said he wanted to see me earlier and invite me to have diner instead of just a drink. To which I agreed also. So what do you think. Is he insecure? Or just trying to have a casual date? I need to mention that physically he is an average guy, doesn’t look like the players type I know so well. Also in discussions he actually displays traits of a serious guy. Did you already experience this kind of behavior from a guy? Thanks in advance for your replies! 

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People who behave in a manipulative way when they date don't look a certain way.  You'd be surprised how very average looking men and women who are thoughtless and selfish manipulate people.  

He is a stranger who arranged a first meet -he didn't ask you out.  Assume you know nothing about him other than you believe you could have a pleasant conversation with him for a short period of time.  

I personally would not meet him now or if so only for a quick non alcoholic drink.  I think he got scared but it's not a good look to be flaky with a stranger.  It's also possible he had an embarassing stomach issue that resolved and this was his fumbly way of sharing it. What I would do - "thanks for letting me know. It sounds like you are unsure about meeting and perhaps it's best if you contact me in the future when you feel certain about wanting to meet as I, like you, am looking for a potentially serious relationship -I have people in my life I can enjoy a drink with."

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3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 he isn’t ready to share anything with anyone right now. Then he said maybe...... then he said he wanted to... 

Sorry this is happening. He's seems to be making you jump through a lot of hoops and games for something as simple as a first meet. If you do decide to go, make sure he texts you when he arrives. He seems way too flaky.

Perhaps he's in a relationship and figuring out how to sneak off. Whatever the case, if he needs to go through these gyrations just to meet for a coffee/drink, it seems like more of a headache than it's worth.

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Yeah I told him I understood, and mentioned timing not being best for him. That’s where he replied he wanted to see me anyway. What I think, you tell me if I’m wrong Batya, is this was a way of trying to make it more comfortable for him, like with less pressure by fear of me not liking him. Could be possible? 

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I wouldn't bother meeting him. 

He's already all over the map and you haven't met. It won't be worth the hassle. 

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Perhaps he's in a relationship and figuring out how to sneak off

That was my first thought, too. Or someone else popped up that he wanted to take out instead and she has since canceled. 

Next. 

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6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:Perhaps he's in a relationship and figuring out how to sneak off. Whatever the case, if he needs to go through these gyrations just to meet for a coffee/drink, it seems like more of a headache than it's worth.

Thank you wiseman, maybe he is in a relationship. I don’t know him yet. I will maybe go just to figure out what kind of man he is. Don’t you think people can do silly things just because of fear? In the past i did cancel dates or meets just because I felt ***ty In the moment and didn’t have the courage to fear rejection. First meets are sometimes just a tough first step before feeling more confident with the person. 

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4 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

. First meets are sometimes just a tough first step before feeling more confident with the person. 

They shouldn't be. There's no investment at that point. Just a step after messaging to see if you are interested when in-person. Meet if you're interested, but be careful about rationalizing flakiness.

Try to adopt a what-you-see-is-what-you-get approach to dating. It's an excellent filter for preventing burnout and avoiding timewasters.

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Thank you for your wise point of views. If he doesn’t flake on me, I will go. I will approach it carefully, without expectations and if it turns out as a waste of time at least I will have learnt something more. If I feel any interest from his part, I will address the text he sent me this morning to cancel. I will let you know how it goes haha… 

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1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Yeah I told him I understood, and mentioned timing not being best for him. That’s where he replied he wanted to see me anyway. What I think, you tell me if I’m wrong Batya, is this was a way of trying to make it more comfortable for him, like with less pressure by fear of me not liking him. Could be possible? 

I mean who cares? He's a grown up.  If he is not ready to meet someone to see if there is potential for a first date he should be a grown up and not be on a dating site and certainly not ask someone to meet him in person who he knows is on the dating site to look for a potentially serious relationship.  You should not have to make it more comfortable for him to meet you in person.  Your role is:  show up on time/look nice/be nice.  If you have to coddle someone or convince someone do not bother.

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6 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Thank you for your wise point of views. If he doesn’t flake on me, I will go. I will approach it carefully, without expectations and if it turns out as a waste of time at least I will have learnt something more. If I feel any interest from his part, I will address the text he sent me this morning to cancel. I will let you know how it goes haha… 

What more will you have learned than the information you have learned now.  You know he is a person who changes his mind back and forth about simply meeting someone in person after advertising on a dating site that he'd like to meet someone in person for a potentially serious relationship?

I had situations like this when I was on dating sites. I had someone cancel on me.  Then he got in touch months later and I gave him one more chance.  He cancelled again.  No I would not have met him for any reason (he had some lame excuse).  I have people I'm supposed to meet for platonic friendships who flake and I give one chance depending on why - but in your situation his reason is he's not ready to meet someone in person -so it's a waste of your time - it's not your role to convince someone that meeting to see if you two should date is a good idea.  

 

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17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:but in your situation his reason is he's not ready to meet someone in person -so it's a waste of your time - it's not your role to convince someone that meeting to see if you two should date is a good idea.  

 

Batya, The thing is I didn’t convince him of anything. I replied it was ok, wrong timing etc…. And he directly said he wanted to meet anyway. That’s my concern. I hope someday I become a dating machine like you 😅

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7 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 

Batya, The thing is I didn’t convince him of anything. I replied it was ok, wrong timing etc…. And he directly said he wanted to meet anyway. That’s my concern. I hope someday I become a dating machine like you 😅

That's not what you wrote -you think he is fearful of meeting to the extent that he cancelled. That is why I would not meet him.

I was a dating machine because back then I wanted to meet the right person to marry and start a family with.  Otherwise I wouldn't have bothered.  It was totally worth it.  

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I know, you explained to me someday, your goal in meeting someone. What I mean by dating machine is you cut people off very soon. We are humans, having our troubles, lives and we sometime make silly or bizarre things. I do believe that we should try to understand people better even in the dating process. If someone makes a mistake ones, it’s ok, you address and if they repeat, you move on. But you cannot expect people to be behave perfect when you don’t even know them yet and are not part of their lives. Dating is also trying to create connection in all acceptable levels. I don’t think I’m being naive, just aware of peoples complicated personalities. I’m not perfect either, I used to make mistakes in the dating process, trying to test or playing games, but would the guy I was interested in have been more comprehensive with my dark sides and not cut me off right away,  maybe I would have felt more confident…. 

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Ask him what made him change his mind so quickly. 

Right now you are imagining that he is scared. In reality, it might be something completely different. Sounds to me like he might be on the rebound from someone else. This comment is very telling and precisely the reason I would not waste my time meeting him: 

"he isn’t ready to share anything with anyone right now"

 

 

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6 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

What I mean by dating machine is you cut people off very soon.

I never ever cut anyone off by declining another date or to meet.  Ever. I simply decided not to meet or go on another date.  That is not cutting a person off. I have blocked people or cut them off if they harassed me/were dangerous. Maybe you cut people off or feel cut off just because someone doesn't choose to meet you -sorry you feel that way.

When I met men through dating sites I was very selective as they were strangers and I didn't have a lot of free time. I am all for giving people chances in a huge variety of contexts.  I never expected perfect behavior and what an odd assumption to make -I had boundaries and was very good at screening and I never behave perfectly as I am a human being. 

Never expected anyone to behave perfectly as they are human beings.  And I didn't want to find friends, be someone's therapist, someone's mom - when I was looking to date with potential for a serious relationship.  Had we met in a different context -and I met many men who had online profiles and we met in different contexts and were friendly/coworkers/ acquaintances.  

My role in dating was not to "create connections" in general -my role in dating was to meet a person who I was compatible with for a potential marriage and family. 

My role at work is to foster connections with people I work with that are conducive to working well together.

My role as a parent is to maintain and develop a connection and bond with my son as he goes into his teenage years and my role as a wife is to continue to give love to my husband and support him for better or for worse and "connect" by for example stopping my work this morning to review an email he needed input on before sending. 

I'm not about generalizations about complicated personalities or connections.  It doesn't work for me.  I am into being specific - who is the individual, what is my purpose in interacting, what sort of connection is appropriate and if the person has a complicated or quirky personality what are my roles in continuing to interact or deciding not to?

I reconnected with an old friend this past week.  I typically don't give unsolicited input because that doesn't foster connections as you would put it.  But she is planning to do something really risky to her professional reputation, financial situation, could even result in criminal investigation.  I implored her -without her asking -to find a lawyer.  She has refused and is making excuses. 

So I backed off despite having to hold my tongue because I don't care if this is "disconnecting" or if I know she is making a huge mistake -I balanced continuing to give input against backing off and I've backed off.  No generalizations needed, no expectations that she would act "perfectly" and respond by following my advice - I'd rather be close than "right" and I feel awful that she's walking into a minefield. 

If she were a he and were a stranger who wanted to meet me for a date when I was single and shared with me the situation my friend is in I wouldn't have met him even though he'd done nothing wrong because again I was not dating to be someone's therapist or get involved with complications like that - but since she and I are established friends I was willing to reconnect and interact and give input which she has rejected.  

Dating for me personally had very specific meanings of connection, personalities, how to treat people -given my personal goals in dating and I see you have different goals -you are happy to spend your time getting to know a person who cancelled on you because he wasn't ready to meet a person to see if a date should happen in the future and then changed his mind shortly after.  If it were me I'd likely have not met.  That doesn't mean I expect perfection and it doesn't mean you are wasting your time.  You do you. 

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I see Batya. I think the difference is in the goals we have. I had a marriage yet, a good husband and now I have my son. I don’t want to get married or any kids anymore. I enjoy my career, my kid and just want to find people I can connect with. I lost many of our friends during our divorce, so if I don’t get a relationship, at least I can enlarge my social life. I don’t have many expectations, just want to enjoy my single life, meeting new people, trying to get better social socially skills and maybe someday I will find my one. The purpose for me to post on this forum is also because I’m interested in social psychology and trying to understand people and the way they behave. Being someone’s therapist doesn’t bother me as I already did and learnt a lot, and I also have to mention I have a tendency for drama that makes me feel alive 😅. As you said, I do me, you do you 😉

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41 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Ask him what made him change his mind so quickly. 

Right now you are imagining that he is scared. In reality, it might be something completely different. Sounds to me like he might be on the rebound from someone else. This comment is very telling and precisely the reason I would not waste my time meeting him: 

"he isn’t ready to share anything with anyone right now"

 

 

Yeah, you might be right. But why didn’t he simply cancelled? 

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3 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Is he insecure? Or just trying to have a casual date?

I think its a copout. To sort of tell you to not expect anything. 

Also, the correct answer when somebody cancels on you and then changes his mind is "Sorry, Ive made other plans". Even if you didnt. They have to know that you are not a doormat. Then if they want you can reshedule. But in this case dont think you should bother. To be that "wishy washy" and that you havent even met is not a good sign.

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9 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Yeah, you might be right. But why didn’t he simply cancelled? 

Because he is a person who is ok changing his mind so he likely has cancelled plans before and told himself -oh well if I change my mind that's ok -will just text the person.  That is his way of interacting with people. 

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6 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:Also, the correct answer when somebody cancels on you and then changes his mind is "Sorry, Ive made other plans". Even if you didnt. They have to know that you are not a doormat. Then if they want you can reshedule. But in this case dont think you should bother. To be that "wishy washy" and that you havent even met is not a good sign.

Trouble with that discussion is he sent me the cancelling text saying he was sorry he would not make it for the night as he is not ready to share anything right now. Then he said sorry for making me lose my time. I didn’t replied right away waited a few minutes, meanwhile he texted again asking me what I was thinking about all this. That’s when I said I understood, wrong timing etc.. he immediately said let’s see each other anyway. Would I have said I had other plans It would have been an obvious lie… 

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2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Because he is a person who is ok changing his mind so he likely has cancelled plans before and told himself -oh well if I change my mind that's ok -will just text the person.  That is his way of interacting with people. 

Oh gosh!! This guy is a complete waste of time haha 

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40 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I see Batya. I think the difference is in the goals we have. I had a marriage yet, a good husband and now I have my son. I don’t want to get married or any kids anymore. I enjoy my career, my kid and just want to find people I can connect with. I lost many of our friends during our divorce, so if I don’t get a relationship, at least I can enlarge my social life. I don’t have many expectations, just want to enjoy my single life, meeting new people, trying to get better social socially skills and maybe someday I will find my one. The purpose for me to post on this forum is also because I’m interested in social psychology and trying to understand people and the way they behave. Being someone’s therapist doesn’t bother me as I already did and learnt a lot, and I also have to mention I have a tendency for drama that makes me feel alive 😅. As you said, I do me, you do you 😉

Oh then sure you can meet him because you have time to meet people and you don't mind that he changed his mind to the extent you would cancel -that's totally fine and you can see it as a sort of project since you're interested in his motivations for his choices in how to interact with you.  And you enjoy drama like this so this is perfect for you! I'm sorry you had struggles in your marriage, divorce and thereafter.  I never got much out of improving social skills by meeting unreliable/flaky people because for me the stress/flakiness outweighed the benefits.  Referring to making platonic friends as well but sure if you get a thrill out of the drama aspect then enjoy -he seems harmless enough!

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3 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Trouble with that discussion is he sent me the cancelling text saying he was sorry he would not make it for the night as he is not ready to share anything right now. Then he said sorry for making me lose my time. I didn’t replied right away waited a few minutes, meanwhile he texted again asking me what I was thinking about all this. That’s when I said I understood, wrong timing etc.. he immediately said let’s see each other anyway. Would I have said I had other plans It would have been an obvious lie… 

You always have other plans when someone treats you this way -your plans are with yourself.  None of his business as to whether they are with yourself or another person.  Once he treats you in such a disrespectful way he doesn't deserve to know your personal business.  Or I would have said 'thanks so much for your message - as it turns out I'm not interested in meeting at this time but I will get in touch if I change my mind."

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