First meet tonight, should I go?

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

he asked why I didn't tell him to come see me (and he meant it seriously) 

He said because I told him I wouldn’t be able to see him that week as I was with the kid, turned out I finally wasn’t that night but went out with a friend instead of telling him (because I don’t felt like doing it last minute) he maybe expected I would tell him if I was free and maybe got a bit bothered by that. Idk. And the thing he said before meeting me was maybe just a symptom of being tired by the dating process and its deceptions. (Which he explained to me the night we met) Now for the pushy thing, I think he is just being showing his (strong?) interest. I rather have a man saying he wants to see me more and be confident enough to say it, than a guy acting distant and cold. 

Cutting off this fast is surely the way you date people. Your choice… i prefer discovering someone’s qualities and flaws. I do sense some compatibility with him, we speak the same language, have much in common and physical attraction is there. that’s why I give it a chance to see how it develops. Im patient, not in a hurry to find someone. So whatever the outcome, I will be fine. 

[MissCanuck]

39 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Cutting off this fast is surely the way you date people.

I have been in a relatiobship for a long time now. 

But I didn't bother with men like this in the past, no. Waste of time. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

I have been in a relatiobship for a long time now. 

But I didn't bother with men like this in the past, no. Waste of time. 

It’s all a matter of how you interpret cutting off. Two friends were serious with men I cut off. I cut each off for same reason- each lied about his age. Dealbreaker for me. First guy - my friend was with him on and off for about 7-8 years engaged and unengaged- then ended it because of his porn addiction.  
Other couple are still married and I assume happy. They each lied to my friends too but both bought the lame excuse that they didn’t want to face turning 40.  I have zero regrets.  
I took the time to discover people’s qualities if I felt they were quality people - people of character and integrity and I judged that initially by how they treated meeting me and talking to me and being reliable and timely.  
Also how they treated strangers like wait staff and how they referred to their colleagues and friends and family in conversation.  

I wouldn’t feel like I was cutting the person off you described as I’d already have discovered that his first impression was to act unreliably and then to act really odd and borderline rude. 

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I took the time to discover people’s qualities if I felt they were quality people - people of character and integrity and I judged that initially by how they treated meeting me and talking to me and being reliable and timely.  
Also how they treated strangers like wait staff and how they referred to their colleagues and friends and family in conversation.  

I totally agree on that. That’s how you can judge the quality of a person. For me the first quality is the conversation, and the hobbies someone has. If conversation is short and uninteresting and if they are not passionate about something in their life, i cut off very fast because I know there’s no compatibility. But I don’t do it because someone shows some kind of insecurity in the dating process.

Dating is complex nowadays. There’s much of competition with dating apps, You go through disappointments, meet the wrong people, rejection and so on… I am sensitive and I can totally get it that someone would take a step back in the beginning by fear of rejection or loosing time… 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

But I don’t do it because someone shows some kind of insecurity in the dating process.

Dating is complex nowadays. There’s much of competition with dating apps, You go through disappointments, meet the wrong people, rejection and so on… I am sensitive and I can totally get it that someone would take a step back in the beginning by fear of rejection or loosing time… 

It was incredibly complex when I dated from 1978-2005.  Can you imagine all the even stricter gender rules back then -and for so long -no cell phone or email so if you were on a bad date much harder to leave/extricate yourself/get to safety - waiting for the man to call (I mean you didn't have to of course but many women did and we only had landlines so if you left the house you'd have to ask your mom, your roommate or the Gods in Heaven to please get the phone call lol.  There was so much competition in person at singles events, clubs, singles resorts, school, work.  

I was fine with "some kind of insecurity" -I'm not referring to generalities. In the situation you described a person who subjected me to his insecurities to the extent this person did likely would have not been compatible with me for the long term.  I am sensitive too.  I feared rejection too and if I would have chosen not to date or meet people rather than treat someone like he treated you. I found ways to deal with sensitivity and fears including of rejection in ways that did not come across as self-absorbed/selfish/unreliable to the other person. 

I got rejected once by a "great catch" my friend set me up with.  It was 1992.  I was in my mid 20s. The day of the blind date I told my co-summer intern about it and his eyes widened when I mentioned the name.  Turned out he knew of him through a prior professional connection and still had his resume because the guy's background was interesting.  Such a small world.  So as a "joke" we decided I'd look over his resume before the date and surprise him with what i knew of him.  I mean -no google back then right, no internet.  He'd done one really cool thing in particular.  So at dinner I casually mentioned it.  And how interesting/cool it was -meaning -a compliment.   His jaw dropped. I told him the "funny" and "small world" story.  Next thing I knew dinner was over and his car service dropped me off at home. 

Obviously I crossed the line -it was a dumb mistake.  My friend who set us up was mad at me since he was such a good catch (honestly I didn't find him particularly attractive).  Obviously my choice was thoughtless- I did it for 'fun" and to play a little "trick" without thinking what might a stranger think of this kind of situation.  Dating is hard  - he wrote me off because he figured why take a chance that I actually was mature/responsible (which I generally was, actually).  

You speak in generalities about the dating world, fear, insecurity -but when I was dating the only way I "survived" was to be very specific and treat people as individuals and not cut someone off ---- or give too much of a chance/slack -based on generalities.  So while you might go on about how dating is "more complicated" now (I disagree-it's different but just as complicated) - and how people "fear rejection" (I mean sure -isn't it normal?) and might be "insecure" I was all about the person's specific behavior and choices and treatment of me lest I cut someone off too soon based on silly stereotypes or waste my time because "everyone gets scared."  

But you do you and enjoy the dates!!

[Jaunty]

5 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

So I guess this is bad also… 

It just shows that he doesn't know what he wants at all.  

His canceling your first meet and then changing his mind, IMO, was not about him having "low interest" in you.  It was straight up inappropriate behavior.  An adult that had their stuff together at all would have gone through those things on their own without sharing it all with a stranger the hadn't even met.

Same goes for the way he is now.  It's not about him suddenly having an abundance of interest.  It's just whacky behavior.  

But,  you are a lot different from me and it takes all kinds. All of this back and forth and inconsistency seems to feed into something for you in a way you enjoy.  So see how it all pans out.  I predict that ongoing interactions with this guy will just be all over the place and you will never get any kind of sense that things are going in a direction.  But, that is drama.

[Sindy_0311]

Hi there,

Just a little update on how it is going so far. We had our second meet yesterday night. We met at a restaurant/bar, had diner and a drink and then went for a little walk. He was again very talkative and opened up a bit more about himself. He told me he hasn't been dating anyone for quite a long time. (some month) he also said he wasn't seeing or talking to any other woman at the moment as he prefers dating one at the time and see how it develops. He also said he is looking for a committed relationship with someone. Not necessarily marriage, neither children, just have someone to share his life with (this point is very compatible with my expectations)

But also he said he's willing to take his time to know me better, that there is no hurry. But I can feel that he is very curious about me, about the men I might see. For instance he asked what I would be doing on valentines day, I just replied that for me its just a day like another, but that I might meet my friend(female). On Sunday he invited me on social media, Facebook, without knowing my entire name (he must have been searching) 

This morning he asked me how I feel about him/us sofar. I said I was looking forward to discover more of him. When he speaks to me he often mention things he wants to do with me or show me and says I hope we will be doing this or that someday. Again he suggested we see each other this weekend. And also Thursday evening... But I told him I would think about it (Thursday). 

When we went for the walk yesterday, we kissed and hugged for long minutes. The kissing was intense and I think we both felt shivers. Do you think its appropriate to invite him to my place on Saturday night for diner at this stage? I mean there's a possibility we are compatible and his intentions seem to be genuine. The thing is, sexual compatibility is crucial for me, almost 50% of a good relationship, and I'm wiling to experience this now with him to be sure I won't loose time in further dates only to find out on the fifth or sixth date that we are not compatible on that point. 

Thanks in advance for your kind perspectives 😉 

[boltnrun]

Do you feel comfortable enough after two dates to be able to relaxed enough to enjoy sex? Have you two discussed sexual history with regard to diseases (STDs)? Have you discussed protection (condoms and an additional method)?

And on a personal safety standpoint do you feel safe having a virtual stranger in your home?

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you feel comfortable enough after two dates to be able to relaxed enough to enjoy sex? Have you two discussed sexual history with regard to diseases (STDs)? Have you discussed protection (condoms and an additional method)?

And on a personal safety standpoint do you feel safe having a virtual stranger in your home?

Same opinion as far as unnecessary health and safety risks by having him over this early but if you test sexual compatibility in this way (it’s essential for me too and I never tested it by having intercourse and didn’t have intercourse- with one sort of exception -without love commitment and months of being together and I totally respect that you test it this way) then since he’s been open about what he’s looking for if you don’t feel satisfied about how the sex goes then you’ll be able to cut things off early and not lead him on.   

[Sindy_0311]

53 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you feel comfortable enough after two dates to be able to relaxed enough to enjoy sex? Have you two discussed sexual history with regard to diseases (STDs)? Have you discussed protection (condoms and an additional method)?

And on a personal safety standpoint do you feel safe having a virtual stranger in your home?

I do feel comfortable with the idea. And also it will be clear to me that it will be with protection. I don’t do If there’s not. I always have condoms if the guys doesn’t. But in my experience I never had to ask for it… in the past, when I was dating casually I sometimes had someone over I knew only for a few hours. Looks like I’m the only one doing so… ?? 

[Sindy_0311]

43 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Same opinion as far as unnecessary health and safety risks by having him over this early but if you test sexual compatibility in this way (it’s essential for me too and I never tested it by having intercourse and didn’t have intercourse- with one sort of exception -without love commitment and months of being together and I totally respect that you test it this way) then since he’s been open about what he’s looking for if you don’t feel satisfied about how the sex goes then you’ll be able to cut things off early and not lead him on.   

I would not be able to commit or get feelings for someone i never slept with… 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I would not be able to commit or get feelings for someone i never slept with… 

That's very good to know about yourself. And if he is on the same page it will work out beautifully!  I never "got" feelings for anyone -not in that sense -I developed feelings for people over time -whether romantic or otherwise -based on shared experiences. 

And I still agree about the health and safety risks in your approach.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I do feel comfortable with the idea. And also it will be clear to me that it will be with protection. I don’t do If there’s not. I always have condoms if the guys doesn’t. But in my experience I never had to ask for it… in the past, when I was dating casually I sometimes had someone over I knew only for a few hours. Looks like I’m the only one doing so… ?? 

Condoms are not foolproof - testing for STDs including waiting the right time period for accurate STD results is far better.  You're not the only one to have casual sex! I know of many who do and have! I also know of people who have one night stands/sleep with strangers/near strangers.  

[Jaunty]

I understand that you won't have deep interest for a person without having had sex with them as this is a part of your bonding process.

You said earlier that you're not interested in "casual hookups."  Yet, you have met him twice.  If you have sex right now, even if it's basically a fact-finding mission, it can easily become a casual hookup at this point.

If you have sex with him and you love it, what are your expectations of how things will unfold from there?   You are very much calibrating and controlling all of your contact with him but after you have sex, you are likely to lose some of your control.   You might decide you want to have this relationship - but you have no reason to think that he CAN or will actually be relationship material. 

He has been dating for TEN YEARS without a relationship, if I've understood correctly.  There are reasons for this.  You already know what they are I'm sure.  So do we, to some extent.  I'm not saying he's a "player."  Not at all. He doesn't seem like he would be good at that.   Just a person who has gained no skillset in his lifetime  that makes him a likely candidate as a romantic  partner.

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 Do you think its appropriate to invite him to my place on Saturday night for diner at this stage?  I'm wiling to experience this now with him to be sure I won't loose time in further dates.

Yes. If you're comfortable and want to discern sexual compatibility, this is the way to do that.

[Sindy_0311]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes. If you're comfortable and want to discern sexual compatibility, this is the way to do that.

That was wise 😅

[Sindy_0311]

36 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I understand that you won't have deep interest for a person without having had sex with them as this is a part of your bonding process.

You said earlier that you're not interested in "casual hookups."  Yet, you have met him twice.  If you have sex right now, even if it's basically a fact-finding mission, it can easily become a casual hookup at this point.

If you have sex with him and you love it, what are your expectations of how things will unfold from there?   You are very much calibrating and controlling all of your contact with him but after you have sex, you are likely to lose some of your control.   You might decide you want to have this relationship - but you have no reason to think that he CAN or will actually be relationship material. 

He has been dating for TEN YEARS without a relationship, if I've understood correctly.  There are reasons for this.  You already know what they are I'm sure.  So do we, to some extent.  I'm not saying he's a "player."  Not at all. He doesn't seem like he would be good at that.   Just a person who has gained no skillset in his lifetime  that makes him a likely candidate as a romantic  partner.

 

 

 

Hi jaunty, I didn’t really say he had no relationships in 10 years, just when we were talking about our past experiences, he said he didn’t have a meaningful or past heartbreak outside from his marriage. We didn’t expend the discussion about our lovelives, but yesterday he made a comment that make me think he did have something serious after his divorce. Also I have to say in some aspects he seems comfortable with his single life style. But that for me is completely fine as I also need ‘much’ of free space. This was the number one issue that made me divorce from my ex husband, he couldn’t understand that need for space I had. 

Now for the sleeping together thing, my concern is I need to know if there’s a compatibility with him on that level (the sooner the best) but I neither want to end up in a hock-up situation… so if I understand correctly, your point of view is once I sleep with him, I sign for a hockup situation? By that you mean that he will loose interest because it is to soon? Or will he loose interest anyway because he’s not into relationship mindset? I mean the guy already told me he wasn’t seeing anyone else and is not willing to for the time we date together. What could I expect more as a sign of him willing to explore the potential of this relationship? 

Just a little reminder, we are 40/42 years old, we are not looking for marriage, children, neither to live together, just looking for someone to share our free time/life with in a committed relationship. If that make a difference… 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes. If you're comfortable and want to discern sexual compatibility, this is the way to do that.

It’s one way. And if it’s not his way it could be awkward. That way never would have worked for me in any way including figuring out whether we were compatible sexually and I know of many like me just like I know of a number of men and women who test compatibility by having intercourse early on. I think it works best if both people feel that way and are comfortable with that approach. 

[Batya33]

44 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Hi jaunty, I didn’t really say he had no relationships in 10 years, just when we were talking about our past experiences, he said he didn’t have a meaningful or past heartbreak outside from his marriage. We didn’t expend the discussion about our lovelives, but yesterday he made a comment that make me think he did have something serious after his divorce. Also I have to say in some aspects he seems comfortable with his single life style. But that for me is completely fine as I also need ‘much’ of free space. This was the number one issue that made me divorce from my ex husband, he couldn’t understand that need for space I had. 

Now for the sleeping together thing, my concern is I need to know if there’s a compatibility with him on that level (the sooner the best) but I neither want to end up in a hock-up situation… so if I understand correctly, your point of view is once I sleep with him, I sign for a hockup situation? By that you mean that he will loose interest because it is to soon? Or will he loose interest anyway because he’s not into relationship mindset? I mean the guy already told me he wasn’t seeing anyone else and is not willing to for the time we date together. What could I expect more as a sign of him willing to explore the potential of this relationship? 

Just a little reminder, we are 40/42 years old, we are not looking for marriage, children, neither to live together, just looking for someone to share our free time/life with in a committed relationship. If that make a difference… 

I think it requires direct and simple communication. Emphasis on direct and simple. “Do you want to come for dinner on Saturday?”  If yes and since you’re ready to have intercourse you can talk with him over dinner about how you’re really enjoying your time together and would love to get closer. That you’re intending that if you two do that you’re not looking to date anyone else.  See what he says. If he reacts with wanting to wait to have sex then if I were you I’d stop seeing him since then given how you test sexual compatibility you’d end up leading him on if you wait and let him get attached and then for some reason he doesn’t satisfy you sexually.
 

I dated men who seemed to have your approach with the result that we had very few dates since they didn’t want to risk waiting for me given that they tested sexual compatibility like you do (or they were looking for casual sex which I wasn’t )

If you sleep with him without having a talk he will correctly assume you are fine with casual sex and likely assume this is something you do regularly - which you do - you said so. Typically that risks this arrangement not getting closer as in committed.  
My husband and I were almost 39 when we got back together. The first time around we dated we dated for 5 months then had sex. Second time around was 2-3 months. In both cases we were in love and deeply committed months before we had sex. we both wanted to wait.
We both knew it would be awesome. Neither of us had sexual fetishes or unusual requirements in the bedroom so there was no concern about that sort of compatibility.  

Your way of approaching it works for you and risks giving the impression of intending a dating relationship that is casual and perhaps more sex focused. my way of approaching it meant some men walked away early or I walked away early on. I was happy with that result since our values were incompatible but it did mean I wasted time meeting them. 

[Jaunty]

37 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 I neither want to end up in a hock-up situation… so if I understand correctly, your point of view is once I sleep with him, I sign for a hockup situation? By that you mean that he will loose interest because it is to soon? Or will he loose interest anyway because he’s not into relationship mindset? I mean the guy already told me he wasn’t seeing anyone else and is not willing to for the time we date together. What could I expect more as a sign of him willing to explore the potential of this relationship? 

No.   If it were to be an ongoing hookup, you would be a knowing participant - so if it did come to that I would figure that you changed your stance on that and you were good with the hookup interaction going forward.  Nothing wrong with that.

I don't believe that men generally loose interest  because sex was "too soon."  I think that if sufficient interest hasn't been developed prior, then sex can turn out to be an okay stopping point.  You're not going to know anything more about this guy's preparedness or potential as a partner once you've had sex.  You will know whether you liked sex with him or not.   

I prefer to know whether the person and I were a good fit together before going there. If I  liked them a lot, it would not feel like a waste of time.

[Sindy_0311]

36 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it requires direct and simple communication. Emphasis on direct and simple. “Do you want to come for dinner on Saturday?”  If yes and since you’re ready to have intercourse you can talk with him over dinner about how you’re really enjoying your time together and would love to get closer. That you’re intending that if you two do that you’re not looking to date anyone else.  See what he says. If he reacts with wanting to wait to have sex then if I were you I’d stop seeing him since then given how you test sexual compatibility you’d end up leading him on if you wait and let him get attached and then for some reason he doesn’t satisfy you sexually.
 

I dated men who seemed to have your approach with the result that we had very few dates since they didn’t want to risk waiting for me given that they tested sexual compatibility like you do (or they were looking for casual sex which I wasn’t )

If you sleep with him without having a talk he will correctly assume you are fine with casual sex and likely assume this is something you do regularly - which you do - you said so. Typically that risks this arrangement not getting closer as in committed.  
My husband and I were almost 39 when we got back together. The first time around we dated we dated for 5 months then had sex. Second time around was 2-3 months. In both cases we were in love and deeply committed months before we had sex. we both wanted to wait.
We both knew it would be awesome. Neither of us had sexual fetishes or unusual requirements in the bedroom so there was no concern about that sort of compatibility.  

Your way of approaching it works for you and risks giving the impression of intending a dating relationship that is casual and perhaps more sex focused. my way of approaching it meant some men walked away early or I walked away early on. I was happy with that result since our values were incompatible but it did mean I wasted time meeting them. 

This is interesting. I think you are right, I will have a talk with him before doing anything. I will tell him that having sex is part of knowing each other better to find out whether we are compatible on that level for a committed relationship. I used to have casual sex, but I no longer do and I will make clear to him that I’m not looking for that. He already knows it and I think he is on the same page. You can never be sure but at least he will know about my expectations. 

I am not willing to try men because of fetishism or some kind of weird sex habits, it’s just that size matters a lot to me… I mean, I’m not looking for XL or anything spectacular, but I am afraid that if it doesn’t fit, it would turn me down… And this not the kind of things you can experience only by cuddling or touching the area for instance…  

I am afraid he will be willing to accept my ‘conditions’ about the first sex, experience and then me being disappointed. Sounds silly but it’s the dilemma I’m usually facing in early stages. 
 

[boltnrun]

That's interesting. So your main requirement for "sexual compatibility" is a large penis? What if his is large but he's clumsy and unskilled? Or selfish? Or he "finishes" quickly? 

[Coily]

20 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I am not willing to try men because of fetishism or some kind of weird sex habits, it’s just that size matters a lot to me… I mean, I’m not looking for XL or anything spectacular, but I am afraid that if it doesn’t fit, it would turn me down… And this not the kind of things you can experience only by cuddling or touching the area for instance… 

So get a tape measure out and expect him to laugh and walk away. Most men regardless of how well equipped they are, are turned off by size queens.

[Jaunty]

25 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I am afraid he will be willing to accept my ‘conditions’ about the first sex, experience and then me being disappointed. Sounds silly but it’s the dilemma I’m usually facing in early stages. 
 

What do you mean, your "conditions" ?  Does he have any input at all in what goes on?  

Since you're mostly interested in penis size,  wouldn't it be kinder and less anxiety provoking on all levels to simply ask him to show it to you?  You could take it or leave it at that point.

Interesting that you're  willing to let character issues slide in favor of giving the benefit of the doubt,  but draw the line at penis size.  

 

[Batya33]

Yes you are a person who cares about the size of a man’s penis - just like he may find your breasts too small or too large or some other body part not to his liking once he sees you naked and might also be a dealbreaker for him. 
there were men who told me they had to test drive me before committing or being monogamous or dating more than a few times.
I wasn’t mad at them but said cool. Bye bye. My husband would have said the same to a woman who said or implied that that was her precondition. 

Certainly if his size matters that much to your sexual pleasure and satisfaction definitely test him out. Sooner rather than later. I wouldn’t tell him you used to have casual sex unless it was recent meaning he can then ask you to get tested first.
I’d simply tell him it’s important to you to have sex as part of getting to know each other in early dating and also that you’re wanting him to be monogamous plus only look to date you while you two are dating. Then he’ll know the lay of the land so to speak and can decide whether you two are on the same page.