First meet tonight, should I go?

[Kwothe28]

12 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Trouble with that discussion is he sent me the cancelling text saying he was sorry he would not make it for the night as he is not ready to share anything right now. Then he said sorry for making me lose my time. I didn’t replied right away waited a few minutes, meanwhile he texted again asking me what I was thinking about all this. That’s when I said I understood, wrong timing etc.. he immediately said let’s see each other anyway. Would I have said I had other plans It would have been an obvious lie… 

Ah, I see. Then you should have just said "No". "Sorry for making you lose your time" is not really something you say to somebody you want to date.

[Jaunty]

All of your thoughts about "why" he acts like and says this stuff is a waste of your time.

You know something about him now:  he changes his mind, he's pretty comfortable jerking you around, he is not that interested.   

This is what you KNOW about him in the here and now.

Nothing about that says "MEET HIM."  

[Sindy_0311]

I finally met him tonight. I had a good time, he showed interest in me, leaning towards, making much eye contact, paid for diner and we talked a lot. He said the text this morning was because he was afraid of being disappointed or of me not liking him. Had nothing to do with him going through a heartbreak or something like that. He kissed me before leaving and said he had a good time and wants to see me again. So it’s all I expect for a first meeting. I will see how he behaves in the coming days. I like him but I will stay careful… 

[Batya33]

Sounds like it was a good time and if he wants to see you again he'll follow up and make a plan.  Glad it went well!

[Jaunty]

30 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I finally met him tonight. I had a good time, he showed interest in me, leaning towards, making much eye contact, paid for diner and we talked a lot. He said the text this morning was because he was afraid of being disappointed or of me not liking him. Had nothing to do with him going through a heartbreak or something like that. 

So, he felt comfortable just jerking you around because of this?  Why?  How could he have ended up still having a date with you?

For the life of me I can't figure out you younguns and dating these days.  The whole point is to find out if a person is genuine and suitable for you.   I don't get how a guy who talks for a week, asks you out, then cancels with a broad excuse, then retracts the cancellation, then wants to  "enhance" the meeting to a dinner, could possibly still get the date. And then he tells you two whole new reasons why he wanted to cancel.   I mean ...  he practically has a tattoo across his forehead in giant letters saying I AM WISHY WASHY, DO NOT EVER COUNT ON ME.  But you want to give him more chances to ... prove that he really is wishy washy just like he demonstrated brilliantly already. 

OK. Rant over.  I hope he was just high or something during that initial exchange and he turns out to be a real Steady Eddy who's very enthusiastic about spending time with you.  Really. 

 

[Batya33]

I don't think he asked her out - he suggested a first meet -they'd never met - but if he wanted to make a positive first impression he didn't and showed her he prioritized his fear over her schedule and free time and subjected this person he'd never meet to his flakiness.  But she wrote above she likes drama if that's what this behavior signals and chose to meet him in person.  No biggie - he's harmless of course and ended up behaving appropriately. It's a little telling he didn't plan a date before they parted as I would think someone who acted so flaky and for the reasons given would then want to compensate by making a set plan then in advance.  But -perhaps he'll contact her to see her again -he said he would.

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think he asked her out - he suggested a first meet -they'd never met

In the op she specifically says that he'd asked her out for that evening:

Quote

I wondering about a guy I’m supposed to date tonight for first time

Quote

He asked me out yesterday for today for a first meet. I agreed. This morning he sent me a weird text explaining that he would not come tonight 

And the rest is history. 

I'm not even really harshing on the guy as much as I appear to be.  I'm just coming from a place where, when dating, we are actually  judging the people we meet in many ways.   This one seemed too low in interest or enthusiasm to even consider for a "fun" hookup type of deal - because the "fun" was absolutely not included.   

Believe me - I know this is about ME and I understand that the OP is good with all of this, and that's what is important.  I've just been sick today and have spent a bit too much time on these boards reading about how someone SHOWED someone else exactly who they are and how they handle certain things ... and then the person is very upset and practically traumatized because the other one was exactly as they'd revealed themselves to be right at the onset.  

[Tinydance]

Are you getting many matches and messages on the dating apps? The reason why I ask is because if I had a few options of guys messaging me on dating apps, I would go out with the ones who are straightforward and are not hard work. To be honest this guy sounds like hard work. Considering he's just a stranger I don't really think you need to put up with his insecurities or that he's not sure what he wants. 

I know you said you're not looking for marriage or kids and just want to meet new people. I guess it's OK that you still gave him a chance but you can also go out with other guys who are not acting flakey. 

[Sindy_0311]

2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Are you getting many matches and messages on the dating apps? The reason why I ask is because if I had a few options of guys messaging me on dating apps, I would go out with the ones who are straightforward and are not hard work. To be honest this guy sounds like hard work. Considering he's just a stranger I don't really think you need to put up with his insecurities or that he's not sure what he wants. 

I know you said you're not looking for marriage or kids and just want to meet new people. I guess it's OK that you still gave him a chance but you can also go out with other guys who are not acting flakey. 

Hi, I do get many likes on my profile but I don’t alow many guys to text me as I also have specific physical preferences. (In this app you have to like the person back to allow a conversation) I usually text with 3 or 4 guys on same time but remain with the most interesting one (I mean in conversation) I don’t text with the one looking for casual or hock up. 

I don’t think is a big deal showing fleaky when you don’t know the person. It’s just a picture and a name on a screen. The same goes for me. He had been dating for 10 years, and sometimes girls don’t showing up for first meets and he is 42. Maybe a bit tired of this process. He knows I’m staying with the kid until next week, so maybe he will arrange something for the weekend in two weeks. We will see. He texted me yesterday night, and this morning early. Also I think he might have stayed so long and kissed me on the go to try getting something more out of me yesterday. It’s a possibility, so I will try not to be to enthusiastic about him! 

[Sindy_0311]

11 hours ago, Jaunty said:

   I mean ...  he practically has a tattoo across his forehead in giant letters saying I AM WISHY WASHY, DO NOT EVER COUNT ON ME.  But you want to give him more chances to ... prove that he really is wishy washy just like he demonstrated brilliantly already. 

I know, that’s exactly why I will not have to many expectations about this guy. I’ll give him a chance to show who he is through his behavior, but meanwhile i will still date other people.  I’m not trying to make excuses for his wishy washy style, but he told me being very shy with women. Like being able to sit at a bar for 3 hours without ever find the courage to approach a girl he is attracted to… he is strange case haha 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Jaunty said:

He asked me out yesterday for today for a first meet. I agreed. This morning he sent me a weird text explaining that he would not come tonight 

In my opinion whatever he calls it a stranger who's never met another stranger is not asking out the person for a date - I'm not a fan of women "waiting" to be "asked out" by a stranger through an online site as if the stranger is actually asking the person out in the way that a person who meets another person in person and feels there could be an attraction asks the person out. Before meeting there's no way to tell if there is romantic chemistry with looks being the least of the reason.  The OP was not "asked out on a date" because he never met her in person.  I suggested first meets regularly when I was in touch with people through online sites -I was not asking that person out for a date because there was no way for me to know if we'd click in person. I also think for women especially it raises expectations in thinking of it as an actual date.  That's all I meant.

[Batya33]

55 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I know, that’s exactly why I will not have to many expectations about this guy. I’ll give him a chance to show who he is through his behavior, but meanwhile i will still date other people.  I’m not trying to make excuses for his wishy washy style, but he told me being very shy with women. Like being able to sit at a bar for 3 hours without ever find the courage to approach a girl he is attracted to… he is strange case haha 

At least he's open about who he is.  A bit odd that he'd tell you about how he's been too shy to approach a woman at a bar -as if you are one of his buddies not a woman he potentially wants to date.  Of course you should look to date others IMO especially because he hasn't asked you out yet.

When I dated I had extremely limited contact after the date unless there was a time place plan for another date - I didn't want to give the person the benefit of being able to chat with me without stepping up to the plate and suggesting a plan to see me again in person.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

He had been dating for 10 years, and sometimes girls don’t showing up for first meets and he is 42. Maybe a bit tired of this process.

The dating process is really tiring.  IMO it's not fair to subject a new person to baggage about how tiring it is (as he seemed to do before he changed his mind).  I had a few experiences being cancelled on last minute, one no show.  I used to go to a cafe in my neighborhood for first meets that was very popular for first meets and more than once a man who was obviously waiting for a long time would ask me if I was [not my name] and one time I was on a really bad first meet, a guy at another table was checking me out lol and then he messaged me after that he realized I'd contacted him on the site in the past. We ended up going out a few times.  Bad First Meet didn't ask me out though. It's a crazy world!

[Sindy_0311]

44 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

 

When I dated I had extremely limited contact after the date unless there was a time place plan for another date - I didn't want to give the person the benefit of being able to chat with me without stepping up to the plate and suggesting a plan to see me again in person.

 Since this morning he is texting in a casual way, making some jokes, he also sent me a pic of him at work and asked me to send a pic of me also. I would rather him saying he enjoyed the night and ask me to see him again. I do not respond immediately to his texts, he begins double texting when I don’t respond. for the moment it’s ok I will go on with the discussion as I don’t work today. But I know I won’t be able to do it for the coming days as I have busy weeks at work and I get bored soon with the texting thing…

how can I make him understand I will not be willing to text the whole day every days?(mostly if he doesn’t ask me out again)  Should I just answer in my pace to make him understand I’m not as available…?  (I use to respond to texts after 2 or 3 hours as I often have meetings at work) 

 

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 Since this morning he is texting in a casual way, making some jokes, he also sent me a pic of him at work and asked me to send a pic of me also. I would rather him saying he enjoyed the night and ask me to see him again. I do not respond immediately to his texts, he begins double texting when I don’t respond. for the moment it’s ok I will go on with the discussion as I don’t work today. But I know I won’t be able to do it for the coming days as I have busy weeks at work and I get bored soon with the texting thing…

how can I make him understand I will not be willing to text the whole day every days?(mostly if he doesn’t ask me out again)  Should I just answer in my pace to make him understand I’m not as available…?  (I use to respond to texts after 2 or 3 hours as I often have meetings at work) 

 

What I would do "I am enjoying our texts and I am very busy at work and otherwise.  I look forward to getting to know you in person - you'd mentioned you were interested in getting together again so please let me know what you had in mind and hopefully we can find a time to see each other soon!"

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

The dating process is really tiring.  IMO it's not fair to subject a new person to baggage about how tiring it is (as he seemed to do before he changed his mind).  I had a few experiences being cancelled on last minute, one no show.  I used to go to a cafe in my neighborhood for first meets that was very popular for first meets and more than once a man who was obviously waiting for a long time would ask me if I was [not my name] and one time I was on a really bad first meet, a guy at another table was checking me out lol and then he messaged me after that he realized I'd contacted him on the site in the past. We ended up going out a few times.  Bad First Meet didn't ask me out though. It's a crazy world!

I never experienced a bad first meet. They always showed up and it always went well, attraction was always present as I try to only meet guy I’m attracted to physically and with good conversation. I met about 10 or 12 guys last year and it always went well. Like talking a lot and almost always exchanging kiss at the end (if not on first meet, I always got a kiss on the second one) The trouble is more after the first meet or first date when I see inconsistency or flakinesses… if someone flakes on me once, I give benefit of the doubt, but second time I cut off. Also I met many guys pretending they look for something serious only to find out it was not the case… 

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I never experienced a bad first meet. They always showed up and it always went well, attraction was always present as I try to only meet guy I’m attracted to physically and with good conversation. I met about 10 or 12 guys last year and it always went well. Like talking a lot and almost always exchanging kiss at the end (if not on first meet, I always got a kiss on the second one) The trouble is more after the first meet or first date when I see inconsistency or flakinesses… if someone flakes on me once, I give benefit of the doubt, but second time I cut off. Also I met many guys pretending they look for something serious only to find out it was not the case… 

Great!  I wasn't always attracted in person even if the guy was objectively hot. It depended. I met over 100 men in person.  I met a couple of jerks and really unstable people.  But for the most part all was fine. I agree with you on flakiness. Good luck!!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

 I just answer in my pace to make him understand I’m not as available…

Agree. Don't get into a textationship. Or sending pics etc back and forth. It's a waste of time.

You could simply respond that you're not a texter and mention "let's talk in person ". Then stop answering unless he sets up a date.

It's odd he's sending texts and pics from work. Is it possible he's in another relationship? That may be what the 3 ring circus about meeting was all about.

Texting is cheap, lazy and most of all... texting is not dating. Definitely follow your instincts and observe strange or disappointing behavior.

 

[Sindy_0311]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

It's odd he's sending texts and pics from work. Is it possible he's in another relationship? That may be what the 3 ring circus about meeting was all about.

 

I don’t think he is in a relationship. Yesterday he mentioned many things according to him being single, like lately he went to the movies for first time alone and it was weird to him, also that he planned to go on a 4 day trip with his friends in summer and that he didn’t felt like going on a trip alone yet. He told me he likes going for long walks alone or go motorcycling. He told me about his last weekends and daily habits. with whom he is and what he was doing etc… I don’t know… 

[Jaunty]

4 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

The trouble is more after the first meet or first date when I see inconsistency or flakinesses… if someone flakes on me once, I give benefit of the doubt, but second time I cut off. 

You're single.  Maybe you'd be better served by not giving guys a chance once they've shown you that they're unreliable, flakey, a jerk, whatever.   If they can't be on their best behavior with a person for a few texts or a casual meeting, they are unlikely to get it together for something serious.

Unless you, yourself, are really more into casual dating than finding a relationship.   

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Yesterday he mentioned many things according to him being single, like lately he went to the movies for first time alone and it was weird to him, also that he planned to go on a 4 day trip with his friends in summer and that he didn’t felt like going on a trip alone yet

I still wonder if this man is on the rebound from someone else or another relationship. 

It would line up with his comment that he wasn't ready to share with anyone else yet. I realize he gave you a different explanation for that comment, but it doesn't make much sense. I think it's more likely that he recently ended something or was dumped. 

[Sindy_0311]

22 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:I think it's more likely that he recently ended something or was dumped. 

Even if that was the case, that he was dumped for instance, is it a big deal if he shows interest through the time? I mean I also got disappointed lately by someone I really liked and wasn’t sure about willing to meet new guys. But doing so also helps me go through this disappointment. And with time I think less and less about him. I just need to fall in love with someone else. If really he wasn’t ready to date again or was broken-hearted, he would not have come yesterday and show so much interest… don’t you think? 

[MissCanuck]

52 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

If really he wasn’t ready to date again or was broken-hearted, he would not have come yesterday and show so much interest… don’t you think? 

Not really, no. 

Plenty of heartbroken people go through the motions of dating again. That's what rebounding is. They try to fill the void of an ex with someone else and often dive in before they are ready. It's not until later on that they realize they don't really want to be there, and the new interest usually winds up getting hurt when the rebounder backs away. 

I don't know if that's what is going on with this guy. But it would not surprise me at all if it is. 

[Sindy_0311]

15 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

 

I don't know if that's what is going on with this guy. But it would not surprise me at all if it is. 

We have been talking about past relationships yesterday and for what he said, he mentioned his ex wife (divorced for 10 years now) she cheated on him twice, which is why he left. He also said he had a few relationships since but nothing really serious, or at least didn’t live with anyone. He didn’t mention a recent girlfriend or anything. I guess he lives alone bc he has been texting since he came home from work, and always replies in the minute to my texts… Maybe you are right. And someday I will found he is in fact engaged or in love with someone… that’s why I will remain suspicious about him… 

[Lambert]

After reading through your thread and finding out the guy is old enough to be married and divorced for 10 years!  Geez.  This guy really told you a lot about himself (flip flopping in a matter of minutes) he doesn't really know himself very well for his age.  And you told him a lot about yourself-- accepting a last minute invite and tolerating a jerk-around of the plans.  He knows you will put up with whatever AKA not a lot of options

I know in a perfect world, we want to give the benefit of the doubt, trust until they show they can't be trusted, and give chances... But unfortunately, most people -- stranger/met online- do not deserve this.  IMO, benefits of the doubt, trust, 2nd chances are for people who have had a pretty good track record with me, and I can see they maybe had a lapse in judgement/character, and I can forgive.  Not when the first time out of the gate they stumble.  

It will be interesting to see how this guy pans out.  I think you will look back and say-- yeah, I knew he was a flake, but I was hoping he wasn't.  

Fool me once shame on you.  Fool me twice shame on me.