Curious about dating someone with ADHD

[Hollsmaur]

So I found out the guy I’ve been seeing has ADHD last night. Now I feel a lot of things make sense about his behaviours like his time management and attention to detail on 1 thing at a time. He says he feels he’s grown out of it a lot since he was a child but still has traits there. I have done a lot of research over night to try and understand it more and to see what trials and tribulations may come with dating someone with ADHD, but I wanted to ask on here too to see what other people’s experiences are or hear from people who have ADHD themselves and what it’s like. He also said he feels “calm and peaceful” around me, is this a good thing when you have ADHD? I am curious 🙂

[Batya33]

What is he doing about his ADHD -is he on meds, some other actions he takes? I had one date with someone with ADHD in the early 90s.  I knew so little about it and he told me he had it (maybe it was just ADD but not even sure ADHD was a diagnosis). I found him very skittish on the date and he told me that before he was diagnosed and got help he'd impulsively molested a child -he was open with me about that.  He was handsome and thoughtful and kind -in his 20s - so I was done.  I didn't care how long ago he'd molested the child.  Ironically a couple of years later I was double dating with my boyfriend, his best friend and the woman he'd started dating.  This ADD person was her ex boyfriend. Crazy small world. I said nothing but I guess she was ok with it for the time they were together.

I know and know of many more people now with ADD/ADHD who manage their condition in a variety of ways including meds.  If your new date feels calm around you that's good -I mean isn't that good generally? But I wouldn't assume he always will especially if you two get closer, spend more time together etc. 

Also ask yourself if you are a person who needs to be with someone with good time management skills and attention to detail.  Even if the person has no diagnosis.  It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. 

Ask yourself if you are ok with how he chooses to manage his condition -assume that will never change.  I am not a person who would match well with a person with those traits but there is a cover for every pot so to speak, right?

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Hollsmaur said:

  He also said he feels “calm and peaceful” around me, is this a good thing when you have ADHD? I am curious 🙂

You've only known him for 30 days. There's really no shortcut to figure him out. The drawback of this is the potential for rationalizing and ascribing things to this rather than observation and seeing if you are a good fit and if you're happy.

So ultimately it doesn't matter what he has or doesn't have. What matters is getting to know him as a person (not a label) and seeing if you two are a good fit.

[Seraphim]

I have been with my husband 34 years and he is ADHD. Our son is Autistic and 25. I love my neurodivergent little family . All people are individuals and have different strengths and weaknesses and need different supports and accommodations and that is perfectly okay. Neurotypical people need this too. 
Get to know people as individuals. 

[tattoobunnie]

10 hours ago, Hollsmaur said:

So I found out the guy I’ve been seeing has ADHD last night. Now I feel a lot of things make sense about his behaviours like his time management and attention to detail on 1 thing at a time. He says he feels he’s grown out of it a lot since he was a child but still has traits there. I have done a lot of research over night to try and understand it more and to see what trials and tribulations may come with dating someone with ADHD, but I wanted to ask on here too to see what other people’s experiences are or hear from people who have ADHD themselves and what it’s like. He also said he feels “calm and peaceful” around me, is this a good thing when you have ADHD? I am curious 🙂

Me, Hubs, and our eldest have ADHD.  It can vary, but greatly be the same at the same time.  It presents differently in girls since many mask it in an effort to show how good and capable we are.  You don't out grow it, but you can pick up tools along the way to help, or you mask issues, which really causes burnout.  My hubs and son are considered "twice exceptional since they have ADHD and are both genuises IQ wise.  People think it means you're hyperactive, but it really is attention regulation; we hyper focus on things that we are interested in because it triggers a production in dopamine, which we have issues producing, hence medication.  Honestly, hubs and I medicate ours with lots of coffee, which doesn't wake us up, it makes us happy.  So, really, clutter or organized clutter, no matter how you tell them, yell at them, or ask them to clean up, they see it, but can get so overwhelmed, that they will find everything else in the world to do.  But if they have motivation, like myself, like guests are coming, you for damn sure, they house will be cleaned.  I can write a novel, so instead these are the best channels I have found to explain it:

https://www.youtube.com/@HowtoADHD

https://www.tiktok.com/@adhd_love

https://www.tiktok.com/@connordewolfe

And we are also missing the topic of comorbidities like ADHD and being on the spectrum, which is possible, but not always the case.

Neither of us take prescriptions for ADHD.  But keep it mind, ADHD can also trigger depression because we are regularly blamed or told we are lazy, "have so much potential," not doing as you're told, stupid.  People can be unkind to neurodivergents.  But I will tell you the good part is that we can be sweeping romantics (from the impulsiveness), amazing attention to detail (from hyperfocusing), always able to remain calm in a crisis, which before I knew I had it, people were amazed how I could stay calm while everyone else in crying and screaming, and I am getting our buddy to the hospital, or after an accident, because our brains kick into high gear with the slightest injection of adrenaline which makes us focus.  And, ADHD people find eachother.  It's the way our brains see things.

I have found at least 65% of my very best friends have ADHD, and not cuz we sat around one day asking eachother about that. 

Just have fun.  If you like eachother, and over time find you have similar or same life goals, that's all that matters at the end of the day.

[Seraphim]

4 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Me, Hubs, and our eldest have ADHD.  It can vary, but greatly be the same at the same time.  It presents differently in girls since many mask it in an effort to show how good and capable we are.  You don't out grow it, but you can pick up tools along the way to help, or you mask issues, which really causes burnout.  My hubs and son are considered "twice exceptional since they have ADHD and are both genuises IQ wise.  People think it means you're hyperactive, but it really is attention regulation; we hyper focus on things that we are interested in because it triggers a production in dopamine, which we have issues producing, hence medication.  Honestly, hubs and I medicate ours with lots of coffee, which doesn't wake us up, it makes us happy.  So, really, clutter or organized clutter, no matter how you tell them, yell at them, or ask them to clean up, they see it, but can get so overwhelmed, that they will find everything else in the world to do.  But if they have motivation, like myself, like guests are coming, you for damn sure, they house will be cleaned.  I can find a novel, so instead these are the best channels I have found to explain it:

https://www.youtube.com/@HowtoADHD

https://www.tiktok.com/@adhd_love

https://www.tiktok.com/@connordewolfe

And we are also missing the topic of comorbidities like ADHD and being on the spectrum, which is possible, but not always the case.

Neither of us take prescriptions for ADHD.  But keep it mind, ADHD can also trigger depression because we are regularly blamed or told we are lazy, "have so much potential," not doing as you're told, stupid.  People can be unkind to neurodivergents.  But I will tell you the good part is that we can be sweeping romantics (from the impulsiveness), amazing attention to detail (from hyperfocusing), always able to remain calm in a crisis, which before I knew I had it, people were amazed how I could stay calm while everyone else in crying and screaming, and I am getting our buddy to the hospital, or after an accident, because our brains kick into high gear with the slightest injection of adrenaline which makes us focus.  And, ADHD people find eachother.  It's the way our brains see things.

I have found at least 65% of my very best friends have ADHD, and not cuz we sat around one day asking eachother about that. 

Just have fun.  If you like eachother, and over time find you have similar or same life goals, that's all that matters at the end of the day.

Absolutely, my husband is a mental health facility for being treated like shyte for being neurodivergent. My son suffers as well. I really DESPISE how neurodivergent people are treated . I wish to say more but would get myself in trouble . 

[Betterwithout]

Having a good dose of patience with those with ADHD is key.  However, the difference of ADHD can be subtle for some and extreme for others.  It affects us all differently and at different times.

It seems I am lucky that I have mild to medium ADHD and it made my high school and college years quite challenging but I got through with perseverance and hyper focus.  They didn't have meds back then, so I built my own toolbox on how to work with it.   (still not on meds)

Most of my issues are memory based so my most useful tool is keeping a calendar, both old school pocket size one and my phone to remind me of everything.  Writing notes for everything too.
My wife has to remind me that we watched a movie a few years back that I don't remember watching.   
I used to get angry about it, now I just let it go, but it does frustrate her sometimes when I don't recall conversations and such.

ADHD comes with setbacks but also extreme gifts.  I have a higher than average I.Q.  and think I am gifted in certain creative areas like engineering things (you should see me bathroom toiletry drawer and my garage hacks! lol), making things more efficient etc.

you said "He also said he feels “calm and peaceful” around me, is this a good thing when you have ADHD? 
I think that is really great news for you and maybe you are calm-natured to begin with and bodes well for your relationship. 


 

[boltnrun]

I know people who are not "neurotypical" and they are excellent at certain things. For example, the IT tech at my former workplace is autistic and was very good at his job because he could focus intently on his task. He struggled with relating to the other employees, however. Some of them (meanly) said he was "weird", but those kind of people aren't nice anyway.

I think a lot of people have quirks. It's up to us if those things are deal breakers or not. I can't go anywhere where a bathroom isn't immediately available, for example. Someone who wanted to travel "off grid" wouldn't be compatible with me. 

[Seraphim]

8 minutes ago, Betterwithout said:

Having a good dose of patience with those with ADHD is key.  However, the difference of ADHD can be subtle for some and extreme for others.  It affects us all differently and at different times.

It seems I am lucky that I have mild to medium ADHD and it made my high school and college years quite challenging but I got through with perseverance and hyper focus.  They didn't have meds back then, so I built my own toolbox on how to work with it.   (still not on meds)

Most of my issues are memory based so my most useful tool is keeping a calendar, both old school pocket size one and my phone to remind me of everything.  Writing notes for everything too.
My wife has to remind me that we watched a movie a few years back that I don't remember watching.   
I used to get angry about it, now I just let it go, but it does frustrate her sometimes when I don't recall conversations and such.

ADHD comes with setbacks but also extreme gifts.  I have a higher than average I.Q.  and think I am gifted in certain creative areas like engineering things (you should see me bathroom toiletry drawer and my garage hacks! lol), making things more efficient etc.

you said "He also said he feels “calm and peaceful” around me, is this a good thing when you have ADHD? 
I think that is really great news for you and maybe you are calm-natured to begin with and bodes well for your relationship. 


 

Exactly my husband is gifted as well. 

[Cherylyn]

Some ADHD people whom I've known tend to be accident prone and unfortunately, their attention deficit caused fault with their motor vehicle collisions.  They have very expensive ADHD. 

I have an ADHD friend who is very nice but she's a fast talker, monopolizes conversations and doesn't come up for air.  I still like her though.  She becomes easily distracted.  There are other parts to her character which are exemplary so her ADHD isn't that much of an issue with me. 

[catfeeder]

I would consider making the distinction between accepting and even celebrating neurodiversity versus deciding whether someone meets YOUR needs within a relationship.

If someone steps up for you in your most important dealbreakers, yet they demonstrate some quirks that you can live with, then great!

However, if you envision a relationship where nobody is mistreated or taken for granted or superseded and you want to consider ADHD as a reason to overlook behaviors that rob you of an essential 'must have', then just plain don't do that.

Head high, and respect the difference between being supportive versus squelching what you want  and deserve and need for your Self.