How to DTR

[Doverlove]

A guy I was dating want to come back into my life (previous post) I decided to stop seeing him because he was distant while dating. he reached out a week after no contact to explain he’s been busy with work and he would like another chance for us to continue to see each other. We spoke a few times about what has been going on with work and life. We hung out twice, we did not sleep together. Now he invites me over to his place tonight and I want to have a serious talk about where the relationship is going. I like him and want to be his girlfriend. It’s been 3 weeks since we started talking and Unlike before, we talk more often and I can see he’s making an effort. I need help asking him where the relationship is going.  It’s been 3/4 months and he says he’s not seeing anyone else. 

[Batya33]

No need to have a drawn out Serious Talk.  Simply say "what are your intentions towards me?"  If he wants to be in a potentially serious relationship with you he will be overjoyed to answer this question.  But I wouldn't ask.

He already showed you he had little regard or respect for you by acting distant with no explanation and you "hung out" twice -did he plan a date in advance and take you out in public, properly? Not meaning lots of $ spent -but did he plan a fun evening?  Why are you already going to his place? I think you are asking because he hasn't -nor is he giving any real indication he plans to - in case he gets "busy" again.

It's fine to decline to hang out again and simply say "I don't think we seem to be on the same page - I am looking for something potentially serious and you seem content to hang out when it's convenient.  What happens if work gets busy again -will you go MIA again?

[Kwothe28]

Serious talks can be done in public place too. But one other activity can be done at his place alone. Well it can be done in public place too but its kinda illegal lol

Again, he just wants sex. You showed him that you are willing to provide sex. Now he is calling you to his home. Do the math.

[Andrina]

Talking more as in texting? That takes such little effort. And now he wants you to make the effort by going to his place. You two have known each other 3 or 4 months and only met in person twice in all that time? I think your decision to no longer go on dates was a smart one. 

As the other posters said, don't go to someone's home you've just started dating. Willpower can be loosened with chemistry and you might end up regretting being intimate before really being ready.

Why would you want to be his gf when he hasn't even proven himself? I'd hold out for someone who is great from the get-go.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Doverlove said:

I like him and want to be his girlfriend.

Has he said or done anything to indicate that he's BF material?

Hanging out isn't dating. Going to his place isn't dating.

If someone treats me like a buddy instead of like a romantic interest, then I'll be nice if our paths ever cross in public, but I already have enough buddies.

[Cherylyn]

He sounds like he just wants to jump in the sack with you and test the goods.  No, don't go to his apartment because it's a trap.

I agree with @Kwothe28. Have a real serious talk at a coffee shop, park or some safe public place.  Never go to his apartment until months of either sensing his sincerity or just observing how he really is.  Pay attention to your gut instincts and intuition and take heed of them because any red flags are a warning of danger ahead.  Be smart.

Long ago, my husband and I lived on the 2nd floor of an apartment complex.  At around 2AM, a young woman ran outside weeping and sobbing underneath our apartment as she clung to a pillar across from the carport.  She was disheveled with torn clothing.  I called the police but by that time, she left.  Beware of date rape.  It happens.  Not that it will happen to you but there isn't anything you can do after the fact.  There are no witnesses.  Never set yourself up.  Never make yourself vulnerable otherwise you're the one who has to live with a world of regrets.  Never learn bad lessons the hard way because it's too painful to realize what you could've done to prevent placing yourself in harm's way.

[Doverlove]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

No need to have a drawn out Serious Talk.  Simply say "what are your intentions towards me?"  If he wants to be in a potentially serious relationship with you he will be overjoyed to answer this question.  But I wouldn't ask.

He already showed you he had little regard or respect for you by acting distant with no explanation and you "hung out" twice -did he plan a date in advance and take you out in public, properly? Not meaning lots of $ spent -but did he plan a fun evening?  Why are you already going to his place? I think you are asking because he hasn't -nor is he giving any real indication he plans to - in case he gets "busy" again.

It's fine to decline to hang out again and simply say "I don't think we seem to be on the same page - I am looking for something potentially serious and you seem content to hang out when it's convenient.  What happens if work gets busy again -will you go MIA again?

Yes I agree. Yes both time we went out to grab lunch nothing major. We hangout at each other’s place plenty of times and went on several dates. I didn’t think it was a big deal to hangout at his place cause we’re already comfortable with each other. I don’t want to jump in bed with him again until we make things official. I decided it was too late tonight and I rescheduled for tomorrow. 

[Doverlove]

3 hours ago, Andrina said:

Talking more as in texting? That takes such little effort. And now he wants you to make the effort by going to his place. You two have known each other 3 or 4 months and only met in person twice in all that time? I think your decision to no longer go on dates was a smart one. 

As the other posters said, don't go to someone's home you've just started dating. Willpower can be loosened with chemistry and you might end up regretting being intimate before really being ready.

Why would you want to be his gf when he hasn't even proven himself? I'd hold out for someone who is great from the get-go.

We’ve hung out plenty of times not just twice. We hung out twice since I broke it off cause we both have weird work schedules. I do like being with him. He’s sweet,caring, and have amazing chemistry when we’re together. but I do want us to have better communication. We text more than phone calls and I would like to change that. My thing is I want to tell him I want us to be exclusive if we’re going to continue to see each other. He hasn’t brought up exclusivity and I don’t want to wait on him to bring it up any longer. 

[spinstermanquee]

Dover, I don't have a ton of dating experience like others here but it seems to me if he were really into you, you would know it (and the glacial pace suggests perhaps you are not a priority).  After several months, I would think the conversation would include goals and intentions, at least lightly with an eye toward deeper talks as time goes on.  But no coasting along, throwing text breadcrumbs - F2F is the only thing that counts.  Texting is easy and easily hidden if there are others in the picture as well (not saying that's how it is, but beware).  "Hanging out" without proper dates is also low effort, and cheap, haha. 😉 IMHO when a guy wants a GF, he'll want to take you on proper dates as often as possible, will carve out time and space for you, and be asking you about what you are looking for (casual or not).  YMMV.

Are you sure you want to gift this person your BF space without him even asking for it?  After two dates and low communication for months?

Best of luck my dear no matter what happens, I wish you success ❤️

 

[Batya33]

There were two men where I had to bring up exclusivity in my 24 years of dating and around 6-7 long term relationships.  In one it was because he wanted to have sex and I wasn't yet ready and also wanted to be exclusive (not just sexually monogamous). 

He is the only man I had sex with ever before genuine I love yous were said.  He agreed to be exclusive, we had sex after 6 weeks of dating (earlier side for me) and he ended things 4 months later and was never in love with me (I was crazy about him).

The other guy I didn't have sex with -we had sleepovers, we talked about my not being ready -and he was fine with it -never ever was pushy and we had a ton of fun together. After 3 months I saw he had edited his dating profile.  He said he wasn't dating anyone else and wasn't quite ready to be exclusive but almost. 

So internally I gave him another month.  Didn't tell him this.  I ended things 2 weeks later when he showed me a very scary side of him (nothing towards me personally -but we talked about his issues after and between that and his reluctance to commit I was done).  

In every case a man who saw serious potential with me wanted to be exclusive -and it wasn't tied to my agreeing to have sex -at all (other than the one I mentioned above).  And the man usually brought it up within 4-8 weeks of starting to date.  Way before we had sex.   Several men asked me to be exclusive and I declined and we stopped dating so not just with my LTRs.  

I don't think things have changed since 2005 and from all I have seen since I started dating many years ago and till now it's still the same - most often the woman doesn't have to ask -and if she considers having to ask the man beats her to it and asks first.  People who see serious potential don't want to risk their special person being snapped up by someone else.  

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Doverlove said:

. I decided it was too late tonight and I rescheduled for tomorrow. 

Unfortunately it seems like he would like to keep things casual. But you can mention you're not into casual and would either rather date or break free. See how he reacts .

[Lambert]

I don't think defining the relationship is what actually makes it a committed relationship.  People who are looking to be in a relationship treat it like one.  It's like the label is the afterthought.  

Why do you want to be limited to this guy? has he shown that he is there? He flaked on you once and you are giving him a chance.  But what has he proven to you as in he is capable of or even wants a relationship?

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I don't think defining the relationship is what actually makes it a committed relationship.  People who are looking to be in a relationship treat it like one.  It's like the label is the afterthought.  

Why do you want to be limited to this guy? has he shown that he is there? He flaked on you once and you are giving him a chance.  But what has he proven to you as in he is capable of or even wants a relationship?

In my experience it's never just a label - and if it is move on.  Saying the words -simple and direct "I want to be your boyfriend" or "I want us to be exclusive and I'm not looking to date anyone else what about you?" is so important.  Many act all couply and enjoy playing "wife" and mention the future and meeting the family but say "oh we dont need labels/go with the flow" -that way they can actually keep options open. 

It's one reason wedding vows are said and said publicly - you don't need marriage to be committed of course but saying those words to each other with a witness is not just words or a label (never would have married my husband if he felt that way) - it means something to say those words and to then walk the walk IMO.  And people who don't insist on the words often are fooling themselves because they know if they actually asked they'd get some lame response like "we don't need a "label."

[Lambert]

Right @Batya33  labels (to have meaning) have to be supported by actions.  What are this guy's actions?  Seems she doesn't know yet because what she does know has been a little sketchy.

And I will say, while agree with you on the value and meaning of wedding vows.  People taking those vows are generally already committed in their hearts to each other. 

Asking someone to be your boyfriend that you're not even sure wants a relationship is not the same the caliber. 

[Andrina]

15 hours ago, Doverlove said:

I decided to stop seeing him because he was distant while dating. 

11 hours ago, Doverlove said:

but I do want us to have better communication

In what way was he distant? What do you mean by better communication?

11 hours ago, Doverlove said:

I don’t want to jump in bed with him again until we make things official.

Oh, I see on your later posting you had slept together. I imagine to gauge what his intent is to see if he also values time with you, and learning more about you, without a sole goal of being intimate.

11 hours ago, Doverlove said:

My thing is I want to tell him I want us to be exclusive if we’re going to continue to see each other.

As said, why tie yourself to someone when you've only had a brief period where you've been happy with what you see as more attention? What's the rush? 

I'd give it several months to see if turns into the prized bf you seek.

I don't see this as promising, because usually when people first get together, hormones are running so high, that everything is on overdrive. Whereas with him, he was a dud.

Have a wait-and-see attitude, and don't be someone chomping at the bit and accepting invites to his place. If that's all the effort he can make, feel free to turn that down. Tell him you have other plans. In my mind, a man who was thrilled to be given a second chance would be wowing a woman with creative plans.

Have a wait-and-see attitude, and make sure you're not driving this train, while he sits back and enjoys the ride.

[boltnrun]

When my husband and I started dating he couldn't get enough of me (and vice versa). He made a ton of effort to see me even if it was just for a few minutes. For example, he lived 30 minutes away and he got up at 5:30 am and drove to my home to take me to work. He would only get about 10 minutes with me but he was willing to make an hour round trip just to spend those ten minutes together. And he was a full time student and had a job, so yeah, he was busy. And I didn't need to ask him to "define the relationship" because I could tell by his actions.

Do you get the feeling from this guy that he's that crazy about you? Does he make strong efforts to see you even when he's allegedly busy?

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Lambert said:

Right @Batya33  labels (to have meaning) have to be supported by actions.  What are this guy's actions?  Seems she doesn't know yet because what she does know has been a little sketchy.

And I will say, while agree with you on the value and meaning of wedding vows.  People taking those vows are generally already committed in their hearts to each other. 

Asking someone to be your boyfriend that you're not even sure wants a relationship is not the same the caliber. 

I only meant vows as an example of where words matter -one example of several.  I agree with your take on this situation completely -she needs to ask because it sounds like he's not going to.

[Batya33]

30 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

When my husband and I started dating he couldn't get enough of me (and vice versa). He made a ton of effort to see me even if it was just for a few minutes. For example, he lived 30 minutes away and he got up at 5:30 am and drove to my home to take me to work. He would only get about 10 minutes with me but he was willing to make an hour round trip just to spend those ten minutes together. And he was a full time student and had a job, so yeah, he was busy. And I didn't need to ask him to "define the relationship" because I could tell by his actions.

Do you get the feeling from this guy that he's that crazy about you? Does he make strong efforts to see you even when he's allegedly busy?

One reason "define" was so important in the 80s/90s was because for those having sex it was essential because of the HIV situation to know there was at least monogamy.  I never had that specific issue but it was one reason to talk about intentions.

And yes re: busy -I was always so busy and dated very busy men -one boyfriend would come to my office if I could take a half hour to grab some takeout so he could see me.  So thoughtful

[smackie9]

Texting shouldn't be counted as dating so I don't see a true commitment if you only "hung out" twice in 3 weeks. To me that's not really making an effort at all. A true effort is going out on quality dates more than once a week. Some flowers or romance? I'm guessing not or you wouldn't be here asking. I get the impression he's having a dry spell, hence he's not seeing anyone else, so he went through the list to see who will bite. Don't get sucked in. This guy is fishing carefully to get sex.