Bf cheated and then left, I wrote things in my journal that I didn’t me

[allibaidoo4]

At the end of November I found out my live in bf sexted his teenaged coworker. I was so distraught because I never imagined he would do something like that. When I confronted him he tried to back track and say it’s not what it seems but he then expressed that he messed up and it wasn’t as serious as lol making it. He expressed the sexting happened recently and he was the one who started it but he doesn’t want to be with her and it an act of ego.

The next day, he stayed home and comfort me and the following day he said he was going to visit his mom and left and had been staying there.

 

he expressed needing time and space to process things because he realized that he doesn’t love himself and puts all his love into others. He expressed feeling like I emasculated him while he was unemployed. In 2021, bf lost his job twice. I never blamed him and I knew the jobs were at fault. I had already been working three jobs and really wanted to quit one of them but couldn’t in order to help support us. Groceries, electric bill etc. i also sometimes covered his half of the rent if wasn’t able to make enough through Uber.  I was so stressed out during that time from working and applying for jobs for him that I unintentionally was frustrated and shut down. I was affectionate towards bf and I didn’t do it as a way to punish him.

now back to the infertility,after a few days I knew I wanted to work reconciliation and he was open to couples counseling. He was not open to cutting his coworker off because he expressed he can say he would block her but would need to unblock her once at work in order to communicate. I felt so upset and hurt by this. Bf and I would talk weekly and he was distant and cold sometimes and would yell. I would shut down in order to avoid further conflict.

 

i was engaging in self harm and knew I needed to find another therapist that works with trauma. I was able to find another therapist and one of my homework was to write in a journal. Before the session my bf and I spoke about him stopping by the house. He ended up not being able to come and I felt really hurt because I felt like lately he would make excuses on what he can’t come home. I was so angry about everything that I wrote in my journal that he’s irresponsible, and he’s a coward for abandoning me. I also said he probably uses to people to get empathy from them, that he probably used me as atm. I also said he is now leaving the relationship with more th I he like apartment history, good credit score, and I’m depleted money wise because I lent him money and now my credit score is down due to parking bills from when he used my old car while unemployed. 
 

i didn’t mean any of those things I said. I was really hurt and upset that I started to question who is as a person. I never imagined he would betray me and then betray me and leave me all alone.

He is now not speaking to me because I forgot I left my journal out and he read it. He said he doesn’t feel safe around me and I have used her fears and vulnerability against him. That wasn’t my intention. How can I prove to him that I didn’t mean those things?

 

[HeartGoesOn]

1 hour ago, allibaidoo4 said:

How can I prove to him that I didn’t mean those things?

You can't, he was looking for his ticket out by turning the tables on you.  At any rate he has the IQ of a turnip, along with his middle school behaviour.  You're wasting your time with him, you deserve better and it's time to send him packing.

When all is said and done, you'll realize he didn't abandon you, he did you a favor.

[Jaunty]

Let's backtrack to the fact that he was sexting a TEENAGED co-worker.  Sexting with minors can be construed, legally, as trafficking in child pornography.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, allibaidoo4 said:

How can I prove to him that I didn’t mean those things?

Oh honey, no. 

This guy is horrible. He manipulated you and took advantage of your vulnerabilities so he could blame his cheating on you. He needs to be out of your life, forever. And you need desperately to work on your self-esteem so you never pander to a total lowlife like this again. 

3 hours ago, allibaidoo4 said:

bf sexted his teenaged coworker

And this is plain sick. How old are you both, and how old is this coworker? 

[left due to request]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

Let's backtrack to the fact that he was sexting a TEENAGED co-worker.  Sexting with minors can be construed, legally, as trafficking in child pornography.

Let's hope that teenager was 18 or 19

[left due to request]

3 hours ago, allibaidoo4 said:

He is now not speaking to me because I forgot I left my journal out and he read it. He said he doesn’t feel safe around me and I have used her fears and vulnerability against him. That wasn’t my intention. How can I prove to him that I didn’t mean those things?

You wrote down what you felt at that moment so why would you want to say that you didn't mean it?  There is a lot of content here about your BF being irresponsible and abandoning you at a time of needs along with sexting a teen.  Are you sure you want him back?  Why would you want him back?  like the others said, it's better with him out of your life.

[Seraphim]

2 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Let's backtrack to the fact that he was sexting a TEENAGED co-worker.  Sexting with minors can be construed, legally, as trafficking in child pornography.

Right ? Ugh!! 

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, allibaidoo4 said:

He is now not speaking to me because I forgot I left my journal out and he read it. He said he doesn’t feel safe around me and I have used her fears and vulnerability against him.

Poor him lol

Its called deflection. Cheaters cant be "bad guys" in their own head. Otherwise they wouldnt cheat. So they invent a reason why they need to cheat. They were neglected emotionally, they didnt get enough attention from their partner, heck I even heard "If you eat the burger every day you need to switch it to pizza sometimes" implying that their partner is boring so they need to cheat. Anything that would take away the guilt from them and transfer it to you.

Look at it as a blessing in disguise. You got rid of the waste of space that got you in debt. And who cheated on you with a teenager. Just leave it that way and dont look back. If he ever wishes to come back(he might if he gets into money trouble), tell him that he made his own bed.

 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, allibaidoo4 said:

   I wrote in my journal that he’s irresponsible, and he’s a coward for abandoning me. I also said he probably uses to people to get empathy from them, that he probably used me as atm

Sorry this is happening. Your therapist seems to be helping you with insight because the things you wrote are the truth. He's using you, dragging you down, and has no moral compass.

Work on getting him out of your place permanently. Sever All accounts and financial ties. Change all your passwords. 

There's no reason you have to tolerate a manipulative parasite like this man. Continue with your therapy. Take care of yourself and your physical and mental health.

Enlist the support of trusted friends and family. A good therapist can help you with self harm and abandonment issues. But the first step is removing toxic people like him from your life.

[allibaidoo4]

15 hours ago, HeartGoesOn said:

You can't, he was looking for his ticket out by turning the tables on you.  At any rate he has the IQ of a turnip, along with his middle school behaviour.  You're wasting your time with him, you deserve better and it's time to send him packing.

When all is said and done, you'll realize he didn't abandon you, he did you a favor.

It's so hard to realize that because I still love him. I don't know why I am having a hard time letting go.

[allibaidoo4]

15 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Let's backtrack to the fact that he was sexting a TEENAGED co-worker.  Sexting with minors can be construed, legally, as trafficking in child pornography.

Sorry, let me rephrase she is a teenager but shes 19 which, I still think its gross since he's 32.

[allibaidoo4]

13 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Oh honey, no. 

This guy is horrible. He manipulated you and took advantage of your vulnerabilities so he could blame his cheating on you. He needs to be out of your life, forever. And you need desperately to work on your self-esteem so you never pander to a total lowlife like this again. 

And this is plain sick. How old are you both, and how old is this coworker? 

Yes, I am in therapy now and I am hoping. I am able to realize this. I'm 30 and he is 32.

[allibaidoo4]

13 hours ago, rsml123 said:

You wrote down what you felt at that moment so why would you want to say that you didn't mean it?  There is a lot of content here about your BF being irresponsible and abandoning you at a time of needs along with sexting a teen.  Are you sure you want him back?  Why would you want him back?  like the others said, it's better with him out of your life.

I want him back because I love him. I know he made a bad choice and I also understand that I shut down when he was unemployed. I was very stressed and I feel horrible that I hurt him so, I am willing to move past this because we were fine.  Maybe, I still just too blind to see things rationally.

[Betterwithout]

15 hours ago, HeartGoesOn said:

When all is said and done, you'll realize he didn't abandon you, he did you a favor.

^  this.  There is no need to build a case for yourself and break it off, he's taken care of that.

It is difficult to say goodbye to someone you love, but from where I sit, it is time to move on.
You will fall in love again, and hopefully the next person you find will be more respectful (not sexting others regardless of situation) and handle conflict well.

[allibaidoo4]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Your therapist seems to be helping you with insight because the things you wrote are the truth. He's using you, dragging you down, and has no moral compass.

Work on getting him out of your place permanently. Sever All accounts and financial ties. Change all your passwords. 

There's no reason you have to tolerate a manipulative parasite like this man. Continue with your therapy. Take care of yourself and your physical and mental health.

Enlist the support of trusted friends and family. A good therapist can help you with self harm and abandonment issues. But the first step is removing toxic people like him from your life.

Thank you!

[left due to request]

13 minutes ago, allibaidoo4 said:

I want him back because I love him. I know he made a bad choice and I also understand that I shut down when he was unemployed. I was very stressed and I feel horrible that I hurt him so, I am willing to move past this because we were fine.  Maybe, I still just too blind to see things rationally.

I think you need to make up your mind first.  I thought you were willing to part with this parasite but apparently not.  Unless you make a decision one way or the other, this will never change regardless what others are saying.  I hope you make that choice very soon.  TC

[smackie9]

No excuse for his behavior and you had every right to be frustrated with him AND you had every right to express your feelings in your journal. You need self worth and self love to see that he took advantage of you, never took responsibility for being unemployed, acted like a juvenile, never gave you any credit for all you did and sacrificed, deflected blame to make sure you felt bad/guilty, etc. Stop being a damn push over. Your love is with the wrong person. You do need to let go. This guy totally trashed you. 

[allibaidoo4]

9 hours ago, smackie9 said:

No excuse for his behavior and you had every right to be frustrated with him AND you had every right to express your feelings in your journal. You need self worth and self love to see that he took advantage of you, never took responsibility for being unemployed, acted like a juvenile, never gave you any credit for all you did and sacrificed, deflected blame to make sure you felt bad/guilty, etc. Stop being a damn push over. Your love is with the wrong person. You do need to let go. This guy totally trashed you. 

Thank you for being honest. I’m currently in therapy and hopefully I’ll be able to whole again and move on

[allibaidoo4]

On 1/17/2023 at 1:41 PM, rsml123 said:

I think you need to make up your mind first.  I thought you were willing to part with this parasite but apparently not.  Unless you make a decision one way or the other, this will never change regardless what others are saying.  I hope you make that choice very soon.  TC

Well I have no other choice but to choose myself. I can’t force him to reconcile but I also know that I want him to be remorseful and do everything an unfaithful spouse is spouse to do for reconciliation which he’s not doing. So, I chose me and I will focus on myself and heal from this.

[sislee20]

Girl you need to forget this guy,  he did you a favor by showing you his true colors.  You have done nothing and I mean nothing wrong.  He was the one who cheated us cheated.  Having a sexual conversation with the opposite sex while in a relationship is considered cheating.  From what it sounds like he is a Narcissist and you need to run from him.  He was looking for away of with out being a man about it.  You deserve better and should want better for yourself.  Take the time and work on you and the right man will come along.  Don't ever lower yourself to bring someone else up if it doesn't bother them watching you while you are down.  Good luck love 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, allibaidoo4 said:

Well I have no other choice but to choose myself. I can’t force him to reconcile but I also know that I want him to be remorseful and do everything an unfaithful spouse is spouse to do for reconciliation which he’s not doing. So, I chose me and I will focus on myself and heal from this.

Yes and he's not your spouse, right? If you're married you might want to consider consulting with a legal professional too.