Lost trust in my gf

[Kartoff]

Both 30. Known since kid(never close) and dating for more than 2 years.

Relationship overall is good and has grown, although we do not live together(She is studying and prefer not to)

She is quite attractive, used to be the center of attention. This has never being a problem, but now that I lost trust is something that make it harder to recover it.

The reason I lost trust is because I feel this is a one side relationship. I am what she is looking for, but she takes me for granted and is not really afraid to lose me.

The main trigger to lose trust in her, was a conversation she bring up about crushes during a relationship. She thought it was ok to pursue/get to know those crushes to find out if she was more interested in that person. I am against it, told her that just shown lack of commitment and that although I respect it, I would not continue the relationship if she did so.

The conversation was weird, and from that day I saw that her gym coach was texting her. I kept overlooking text from the guy, it was obvious he was trying to flirt and she was allowing it. After an incident she had in the gym, I told her how I felt and the reasons. She told me I have nothing to worry and that they only text about classes(lie).

I let it pass but I kept finding more white lies... Later we had a more serious incident with a guy she studies with. The guy is a pervert snd during a event in a club we all go the guy keep flirting in front of me with her. She allow it, and it made me feel unrespected. Although I did not like it, I consider it migjt be normal so I choose to trust in her. But at the end of the day when we were leaving the guy took her hand...and my gf was nothing. The guy has been expulsed from that club for similar situations(just to clarify how seripus it was)

Well I talked with her, she agrees with me it was wrong and told me she will put distance. She did talk it with her, but she has not separated from him and even defends him when people badmouth of him.

So all this things, mix with the facts that she takes me for granted and that we don't even live together(she does not even spent night at my place...) have make lost trust in her.

She mentions marriage and even kids, but I do not know how can I trust her if she allows every guy to flirt with her. I am lost. I am working in my insecurities but I know that it wont help rebuilt the trust.

What can I do? I am trying to talk it with her but conversations are fruitless. She is not actively cheating nor doing anything wrong(apart from the issue in the club). I do not see it wrong she text guys but I feel like she is allowing them to make moves, but I have not proof.

I love her but this is affecting our relationship and the fact that we spent less time together now(she in exam period) with the lack of sex is making me want to throw the towel

 

[spinstermanquee]

She is not into you like you deserve... sorry you are experiencing the cruelty of this person.

[Kartoff]

4 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

She is not into you like you deserve... sorry you are experiencing the cruelty of this person.

This is what I feel. I am trying to be the best partner. I know I make mistakes(working on it) but I can also say I am a great one.

I get that love is not just that, and I could understand she did fall in love. But I do feel I deserve more.

In a normal situation, I would break up with her. But she is really close to me and she is my friend's sister. I want to give it all before giving up the relationship, but I am lost.

[Lambert]

you are giving all. that is the problem. you are worried about the relationship.

She is not. You are the ine holding this together. Don't kid yourself people know what they do. 

[Kwothe28]

At the very least she is enjoying the attention of men. At the very worst, she is cheating on you. So, no wonder trust is gone. She actively lies you about the conversations she has with other men. If you would decide to poke around, who knows what you would discover she is telling other men and doing with them. Dont stay in that relationship if she is like that. What you would discover would probably just destroy you more then now. Where you have a girlfriend that actively flirts with other people even while you are there.

[Kartoff]

12 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

At the very least she is enjoying the attention of men. At the very worst, she is cheating on you. So, no wonder trust is gone. She actively lies you about the conversations she has with other men. If you would decide to poke around, who knows what you would discover she is telling other men and doing with them. Dont stay in that relationship if she is like that. What you would discover would probably just destroy you more then now. Where you have a girlfriend that actively flirts with other people even while you are there.

I do not think she is cheating, maybe emotionally. The problem is as you say, at least she is enjoying attention from men. I feel like she does not reject any advance and that for me is a big red flag.

When I confront her about the yoga guy, I asked her if he knew she had a boyfriend. She told me she guess so...she must have mentioned me ...

I am scared of digging more,and also tired of the lies(small white ones but lies). She has insecurity problems(a mental health problem, she goes to therapy) and I feel she looks for validation in men. I do not care if guys flirt with her, I care how she responds

[Batya33]

Of course you can't trust someone to be loyal who has told you she has one foot out the door and is interested in pursuing crushes to see if she should window shop for a better guy.  Her "talk" about marriage and kids means nothing after she has made this clear.

[Kartoff]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Of course you can't trust someone to be loyal who has told you she has one foot out the door and is interested in pursuing crushes to see if she should window shop for a better guy.  Her "talk" about marriage and kids means nothing after she has made this clear.

I talked with her about that "conversation" and she told me to please forget about it, that it was a mistake.

We had a mutual friend who at the time was having dates with a almos married woman, and she says she only asked because of it...but she express her ideas which still scares me.

And yes, the story of my friend end up bad. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Kartoff said:

I talked with her about that "conversation" and she told me to please forget about it, that it was a mistake.

We had a mutual friend who at the time was having dates with a almos married woman, and she says she only asked because of it...but she express her ideas which still scares me.

And yes, the story of my friend end up bad. 

So ask her "do you mean that if you felt an attraction to another person you would not choose to see if you like him more than me and keep dating me? What would you do if you felt attracted to another person?"

She seems to enjoy flirting with men and having male attention focused on her body and looks -that's skirting the line of inappropriate behavior.  Is her behavior ok with you?

[lostandhurt]

What you have is a totally one sided relationship.  You are all in plus some extra to try and make up for her casual attitude about the relationship.

When she mentioned crushes what she was saying is: "I want permission to test drive other men to see if they are better than you"  When you refused she did it behind your back.

Why she does it doesn't matter at all, what matters is that she knows what she is doing, how it makes you feel and continues anyways.  Continue at your own risk because I see years and years of this in your future living together or not, married or not.

  I am sorry but this doesn't look good at all and please don't stay just because of family friendship.  Do what is best for you.

Without trust there can be no true love

 Lost

[Kwothe28]

37 minutes ago, Kartoff said:

When I confront her about the yoga guy, I asked her if he knew she had a boyfriend. She told me she guess so...she must have mentioned me ...

 

I dont really think that guy cares she has a boyfriend. But I dont really think she does either. And that is where your problem lies. She is not afraid of losing you because you are "just some guy", you are not "the guy". If you leave, she would have her gym coach, that other creepy guy etc. I am sorry but to her you are replacable. And that is why she takes you for granted. Hence why its your best bet to just leave. And find somebody where you will be "the guy". 

[Wiseman2]

You could suggest an open relationship to level the field. This way you're not overinvesting. It also let's her know it's a two way street. Either you're both free to explore  or you're in a committed relationship. Give her the choice. Open or exclusive. But it has to be mutual.

[Kartoff]

21 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dont really think that guy cares she has a boyfriend. But I dont really think she does either. And that is where your problem lies. She is not afraid of losing you because you are "just some guy", you are not "the guy". If you leave, she would have her gym coach, that other creepy guy etc. I am sorry but to her you are replacable. And that is why she takes you for granted. Hence why its your best bet to just leave. And find somebody where you will be "the guy". 

I just meant that she did nothing to make clear to the guy she does not want anything. Yes, I am replacable and she makes me feel like it a llt

[Kartoff]

28 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

What you have is a totally one sided relationship.  You are all in plus some extra to try and make up for her casual attitude about the relationship.

When she mentioned crushes what she was saying is: "I want permission to test drive other men to see if they are better than you"  When you refused she did it behind your back.

Why she does it doesn't matter at all, what matters is that she knows what she is doing, how it makes you feel and continues anyways.  Continue at your own risk because I see years and years of this in your future living together or not, married or not.

  I am sorry but this doesn't look good at all and please don't stay just because of family friendship.  Do what is best for you.

Without trust there can be no true love

 Lost

I am actually scared of this. What if I look the other way and this keep happening years and years. In the beginning of the relationship I could see myself marrying her and I was the one talking more about our future. Now when I listen to her talking about marrying, I get terrified and not happy.

Love will fade, and if she enjoys so much attention for another man she will find one.

I won't stay because she is close, that is a reason to try but I will not sacrifice myself.

[Kartoff]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You could suggest an open relationship to level the field. This way you're not overinvesting. It also let's her know it's a two way street. Either you're both free to explore  or you're in a committed relationship. Give her the choice. Open or exclusive. But it has to be mutual.

I am against open relationship, I need to trust my partner and I find it difficult in that type of relationship. She actually told me how the hot bad guy she dated offered her one and she rejected.(I am tired of this story from her)

[Batya33]

Does she enjoy telling you about how other men hit on her and desire her and flirt with her because “I’m just being honest ?”

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, Kartoff said:

I am against open relationship, 

Yes of course, you want an exclusive relationship but she seems to want a fan club with you as a security blanket. You're the only who can shake things up and change that dynamic. She doesn't seem like a good investment for you.

[Kartoff]

17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Does she enjoy telling you about how other men hit on her and desire her and flirt with her because “I’m just being honest ?”

She loves to brag about her past. Just yesterday she told me how she had lot of "public". I would love to listen a story of partners she loved or at least feel something but she has never had one. Only one of a guy I knew(good guy) who they only dated a couple of weeks, being her longest relationship prior to us of two months.

I once told her to stop telling me about her past "adventures" as it make me feel uncomfortable, even more when she does in front of friends(which she does everytime she is drunk)

How the most romantic thing was to made out in that swing after a party(After I had prepared her a romantic date the day before), how she made with two guys in the same boat trip, how the "bad" guy choose her instead of other girl... There are way  to many stories like that, which I have grown to hate listening to as she is only bragging, not bringin any information and it makes me feel really uncomfortable.

* Sorry, I just rememeber how she does this a lot and it does get me mad

[lostandhurt]

I get that she is hot and it is not easy to walk away from a woman that is super attractive but she is only attractive on the outside, on the inside she is horribly unattractive.

  She reminds me of a super hot young woman I met at a party once.  The more she talked the less attractive she got...

 I think it is time to take a step back and see her for what she really is. 

Lost

[Batya33]

It doesn’t sound like you have compatible values and my guess is her audience of friends who listen to her drone on about her past escapades are just drinking buddies. 

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, Kartoff said:

So all this things, mix with the facts that she takes me for granted and that we don't even live together(she does not even spent night at my place...) have make lost trust in her.

She mentions marriage and even kids, but I do not know how can I trust her if she allows every guy to flirt with her. I am lost. I am working in my insecurities but I know that it wont help rebuilt the trust.

Okay, so it sounds like you are just not happy in general with your relationship.  The flirting to lack of physical interaction etc. ( at this point, I'd be glad she doesn't live with you.... why would you want that at this point, when you don't even feel you can trust her?).

I feel you two just aren't compatible. And heck, if you can't trust her, then admit it and that you do enjoy her company, but this isn't for you.

 

[Kartoff]

2 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

I get that she is hot and it is not easy to walk away from a woman that is super attractive but she is only attractive on the outside, on the inside she is horribly unattractive.

  She reminds me of a super hot young woman I met at a party once.  The more she talked the less attractive she got...

 I think it is time to take a step back and see her for what she really is. 

Lost

She is really attractive, probably the most attractive woman I will ever be with.

But as you say, just in the outside. Take that out from her and well she has almost nothing(as a partner)

I used to no see any fails in her, blind by love. But now I am starting to realize lot of them and I feel it is a sign I might have stop loving her.

It hurts. I have game my best, I have put lot of effort. And I can understand it might now work, but why does she not even try?

I have been thinking this afternoon what romantic gesture she has done for me this last six months. I can't think of one.

The last one was when I was having a hard day at work. I knew she was going to go look for me(she throw a hint). I walk out of the office, hoping to see her. I look both sides, she is no where.

I think for myself "She must be stressed studying and could not be there". So I start going home. 10 minutes later she calls me.

She tells me she is going  to meet me outside work. I told her I was almost home, but that I would go bsck to just see her(I had to work later, it was just lunch break)

Turns out she was late cause she come back with the pervert guy, and she was laughing so much with himshe lost track of time. The only one day I need her, she failed me.

Yeah, I am pathethic. I even acompany her home. *** now that I read it I feel stupid

 

[Kartoff]

2 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay, so it sounds like you are just not happy in general with your relationship.  The flirting to lack of physical interaction etc. ( at this point, I'd be glad she doesn't live with you.... why would you want that at this point, when you don't even feel you can trust her?).

I feel you two just aren't compatible. And heck, if you can't trust her, then admit it and that you do enjoy her company, but this isn't for you.

 

The lack of trust is recent. It started six month ago, but it was since the "pervert" incident that I lost trust.

I wanted to live with her before, now I don't but I would give it a try(as a way to escape from ny city).

I thought if we lived together we would have more intimacy, built more trust and spent more time together to know each other better

[SooSad33]

15 minutes ago, Kartoff said:

The lack of trust is recent. It started six month ago, but it was since the "pervert" incident that I lost trust.

I wanted to live with her before, now I don't but I would give it a try(as a way to escape from ny city).

I thought if we lived together we would have more intimacy, built more trust and spent more time together to know each other better

But what if this is her character?  So, no matter where you are, it'll happen again....

You've been dating a couple of years.  Is she the 'flirty' type?  If so, I don't think 'escaping the city' is going to change her.

 

7 hours ago, Kartoff said:

The reason I lost trust is because I feel this is a one side relationship. I am what she is looking for, but she takes me for granted and is not really afraid to lose me.

Okay, so you feel this is one sided... and she takes you for granted.  Seems a lot is affecting you...

 

7 hours ago, Kartoff said:

The main trigger to lose trust in her, was a conversation she bring up about crushes during a relationship. She thought it was ok to pursue/get to know those crushes to find out if she was more interested in that person.

This would bother me....

I wonder if she has some 'ego boost' issue's or is struggling with insecurities, to behave like this.

Heck, if a person I was dating had this need to get to know his crushes, I would not be hanging around.

 

[lostandhurt]

I totally get where you are and coming from as I have been there.  Their looks are what keeps us hanging in there but guess what?  They have been surrounded by guys all their lives willing to tolerate their behavior so why change? Why put in any effort?  There will always be another guy waiting his chance only to get burned just like you are.

  This is where self respect and clearing your vision comes in.  Frankly I don't think you love her, I do believe you love the idea of being with her and the imagined person you wish she would be but how can anyone truly love someone they don't trust and treats them so badly? 

Is the uncaring treatment worth it?  Sounds like you aren't even getting sex out of this relationship now so tell us again what exactly is the upside to dating her for you.

 She may be the most attractive woman you will ever date but she will certainly not be the most beautiful.

Lost