Girl I’ve been dating had a freak out and has now said she wants to be FWB

[Guyonajourney]

So I removed her in the end as she randomly decided to unfollow me. 
 

The main reason I’m back here with an update….. guess who popped up on a dating app😂 ah I knew it all along, the usual “I just want to be alone, its not you, you’ve done nothing wrong, its just bad timing” “I dont want to date anyone or have to think about anyone else just now”, obviously all total bullsh*t to avoid hurting my feelings.
 

Few weeks later back on dating app. 

Why are people so fake and dishonest? I’d rather you just told me straight because that just pisses me off even more! 

 

[boltnrun]

I can only speculate. But sometimes people have a hard time taking "no" for an answer. There are even active threads on this very forum where  young men say they "know" they can get a woman to want to date them even after she clearly said "no, thanks". Their logic is "well, she liked me before so I'm sure I can 'get'  her to like me again." And I personally had a couple of experiences where I clearly and politely as possible told someone I wasn't interested in dating them and they kept persisting. There's even a school of thought that women are attracted to "persistent " men because it shows strength and determination and shows the woman she's really something special. 

Again, I can't say that's why she chose to be less than straight with you. Her demoting you to FWB was her way of keeping her options open, I guess. But at least now you know to move on and search for the right woman for you.  This one wasn't. And you know accepting FWB when you want more doesn't work for you. 

[Guyonajourney]

23 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I can only speculate. But sometimes people have a hard time taking "no" for an answer. There are even active threads on this very forum where  young men say they "know" they can get a woman to want to date them even after she clearly said "no, thanks". Their logic is "well, she liked me before so I'm sure I can 'get'  her to like me again." And I personally had a couple of experiences where I clearly and politely as possible told someone I wasn't interested in dating them and they kept persisting. There's even a school of thought that women are attracted to "persistent " men because it shows strength and determination and shows the woman she's really something special. 

Again, I can't say that's why she chose to be less than straight with you. Her demoting you to FWB was her way of keeping her options open, I guess. But at least now you know to move on and search for the right woman for you.  This one wasn't. And you know accepting FWB when you want more doesn't work for you. 

Also can be unattractive to over pursue as well. Honestly I don’t know, all I do know is that I treated her way too good for FWB and even when we were dating. Literally spoiled and treated like a queen. How naive of me. 
 

I literally said to her you just dont see a future with me and want to date others lets quit all this  “not ready, want to be alone” crap and I got “no i promise its not that, you’re perfect its just where I am in my life just now”. Like why lie to me, purely to make yourself feel better. 
 

Ah people really confuse me! I wish she told me what put her off so I could take note for any future dates! 

[boltnrun]

21 minutes ago, Guyonajourney said:

I wish she told me what put her off so I could take note for any future dates! 

Telling you what "put her off" wouldn't be helpful for several reasons. One, because what she doesn't find appealing might be super appealing to a different woman.  For example, I am not attracted to men with facial hair but millions of women love it.  Two, it probably isn't anything tangible but more of a feeling.  (I don't find Channing Tatum attractive but apparently millions of women do.  And I can't really say why.) And three, you might be tempted to try to "change" in an attempt to attract her back to you if she said something specific.  If she said you're too buffed or not buffed enough you might try to change your body type to align with her preferences in the hopes she'll change her mind, for example.

So, in summary, she's not the right one for you.  Don't allow yourself to be demoted in the hopes it'll make the woman change her mind.  Your value is higher than that.

[Kwothe28]

24 minutes ago, Guyonajourney said:

I literally said to her you just dont see a future with me and want to date others lets quit all this  “not ready, want to be alone” crap and I got “no i promise its not that, you’re perfect its just where I am in my life just now”. Like why lie to me, purely to make yourself feel better. 

I think you are way too much overthinking this. She doesnt care about you. Otherwise she wouldnt keep you there knowing that you wanted something more then just sex. She did that for herself, not you. Hence why any action, including her excuses(she served you classic "Its not you its me" break up excuse) is because of her, not you.

30 minutes ago, Guyonajourney said:

Ah people really confuse me! I wish she told me what put her off so I could take note for any future dates! 

Why? What if your next girlfriend likes if you spoil her a bit and treat her nicely? And you dont do it because you got burned here? Its not a safe metric. Can be indication that you are doing something wrong but you need to figure that out. That needs to come from yourself. Not come from what some woman told you. Again, what put her off is maybe something next one would appreciate. 

[Jibralta]

50 minutes ago, Guyonajourney said:

all I do know is that I treated her way too good for FWB and even when we were dating.

There's no reason to be upset about treating another person well.

Unless you were only doing it because you expected something in return and did not get it. 

[Batya33]

Also since you two just had a sexual arrangement maybe that made her realize over time that , on reflection she was ready to date/potential relationship and once the cord was cut she felt ready.  She may not have felt ready when she told you this and it may have had to do with not being ready -to be with you -but she may not have wanted to share that and or felt it generally and not realized.  It's all speculation.

You weren't honest with yourself and settled for scraps. That's what I'd focus on changing for the next time.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

There's no reason to be upset about treating another person well.

Unless you were only doing it because you expected something in return and did not get it. 

Way too nicely -you considered her a friend right - or was it a sex buddy? If former - what's too nice for a friend and if the latter- I'm not a fan of a person going all out with date-like investments for a sex buddy but no harm done -especially since sex buddy could end up being the mother of your future child - no time like the present for having a pleasant interaction, right?

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Guyonajourney said:

“I just want to be alone, its not you, you’ve done nothing wrong, its just bad timing” “I dont want to date anyone or have to think about anyone else just now”, obviously all total bullsh*t to avoid hurting my feelings.

These have been versions of my truth. I've said, "You've done nothing wrong, it's just bad timing..." it means "I can't identify anything 'wrong' with you, this is just not working for ME."

AND "I don't want to have to think about (appeasing YOU) or anyone else right now..."

No lie, I don't want to be accountable to you. I'd prefer to find someone who I don't feel a need to appease. 

Most people are NOT our match. Whatever version of that message you are given, it means the same thing. WE are not a match, and it does NOT mean that you need to change.

The right person for you will view you through the right lens. This is not your person. No lie.

 

[LootieTootie]

2 hours ago, Guyonajourney said:

Also can be unattractive to over pursue as well. Honestly I don’t know, all I do know is that I treated her way too good for FWB and even when we were dating. Literally spoiled and treated like a queen. How naive of me. 

You were you. A good man. And so I would say this... Don't beat yourself up. When you're single and dating, you're going to meet a lot of losers and a couple of winners. She was definitely not the latter. So write it off as "good thing I stopped settling for her breadcrumbs." 

[MissCanuck]

All you need to know, OP, is that when someone demotes you in their life and gives you the runaround about dating you - it's time to go. Don't stick around next time. 

9 hours ago, Guyonajourney said:

Literally spoiled and treated like a queen.

This was too much, yes. It was an obvious attempt to win her favour and you can see that it wasn't a wise move. 

9 hours ago, Guyonajourney said:

I wish she told me what put her off so I could take note for any future dates!

No. As noted above by another poster, this is flawed thinking. Just because this one particular woman found something off-putting doesn't mean the next will. We are all different. And it's likely she wouldn't be able to put her finger on exactly what it was, either. She just didn't feel a click with you. It happens all the time in dating and can't always be explained. 

Anyway, now you know the truth. Not a fun lesson to learn, but an important one. 

[Wiseman2]

On 1/3/2023 at 8:41 AM, Guyonajourney said:

 I jokingly suggested FWB. I said “if you don't want to go on dates etc lets just be FWB.” She said “that sounds complicated and someone will end up hurt” 

Unfortunately it seems like this is were it went sideways. It's true when dating doesn't work out and things downshift to these nebulous arrangements that the potential for things ending badly increases. 

You both had some fun but ultimately we're happy with or suited for each other. 

Now you're both free to pursue something else. Perhaps next time, if someone keeps saying they need space, etc.,  just make a clean break rather than suggest a confusing situationship.

[Guyonajourney]

12 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Telling you what "put her off" wouldn't be helpful for several reasons. One, because what she doesn't find appealing might be super appealing to a different woman.  

So, in summary, she's not the right one for you.  Don't allow yourself to be demoted in the hopes it'll make the woman change her mind.  Your value is higher than that.

Very good points. I guess its just frustrating because I feel like I treated her really well and don’t see what went wrong. But thats just my overly analytical brain coming into play.

 

always over thinking!

[Guyonajourney]

12 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I think you are way too much overthinking this. She doesnt care about you. Otherwise she wouldnt keep you there knowing that you wanted something more then just sex. She did that for herself, not you. Hence why any action, including her excuses(she served you classic "Its not you its me" break up excuse) is because of her, not you.

 Again, what put her off is maybe something next one would appreciate. 

Yes you are right. I’m realising I’m quite bad for overthinking - potentially linked to my ADHD/OCD also easily become focussed on one person (not a bad thing for someone who ACTUALLY wants to be with me though I guess.) 

[Guyonajourney]

10 hours ago, catfeeder said:

These have been versions of my truth. I've said, "You've done nothing wrong, it's just bad timing..." it means "I can't identify anything 'wrong' with you, this is just not working for ME."

AND "I don't want to have to think about (appeasing YOU) or anyone else right now..."

No lie, I don't want to be accountable to you. I'd prefer to find someone who I don't feel a need to appease. 

Most people are NOT our match. Whatever version of that message you are given, it means the same thing. WE are not a match, and it does NOT mean that you need to change.

The right person for you will view you through the right lens. This is not your person. No lie.

 

I guess so. Its just the wording of it. 
 

She straight up told me she WOULD date me if she was in the right headspace and point in her life. That was obviously just a lie. 

[Guyonajourney]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it seems like this is were it went sideways. It's true when dating doesn't work out and things downshift to these nebulous arrangements that the potential for things ending badly increases. 

You both had some fun but ultimately we're happy with or suited for each other. 

Now you're both free to pursue something else. Perhaps next time, if someone keeps saying they need space, etc.,  just make a clean break rather than suggest a confusing situationship.

Yep lesson learned. 
 

As soon as someone says they want space or nothing serious etc im cutting it off. 3 months of wasted time and feelings hurt for nothing

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, Guyonajourney said:

Very good points. I guess its just frustrating because I feel like I treated her really well and don’t see what went wrong. But thats just my overly analytical brain coming into play.

 

always over thinking!

Treating someone really well typically won't convince someone who doesn't feel right/the spark/the click to feel otherwise and often it can feel suffocating or make things worse.  Yes in a loving relationship if one person changes a habit so as to treat his partner better yes that can help matters if there is strain/tension based on one person feeling uncared for.  

Also it's an icky feeling to be with someone you feel you have to convince to be with you-isn't it?

I overthink too.  I also have ways I make sure my overthinking doesn't interfere in a negative way with my life/daily functioning -not foolproof but I don't simply tell myself "that's just me" -I suggest you find your own ways -work in progress but worth it IMO.

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, Guyonajourney said:

Yep lesson learned. 
 

As soon as someone says they want space or nothing serious etc im cutting it off. 3 months of wasted time and feelings hurt for nothing

Yes -watch the feet not the lips with that exception-if as an initial impression or early on that is said -listen to that and exit if you want something different.  

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Treating someone really well typically won't convince someone who doesn't feel right/the spark/the click to feel otherwise and often it can feel suffocating or make things worse.

Agreed. 

Very early on, she said:

On 1/3/2023 at 10:32 AM, Guyonajourney said:

I just know that I’m definitely not ready for anything serious with anyone. I’ve been enjoying this time on my own and I’m not ready to give it up, I think you’re a great person and have genuinely had so much fun spending time with you. I still very much fancy you and I maybe just need to get out my own head but I think to avoid hurting anyones feelings I need to end this now before out feelings get deeper.

Instead of actually listening to her and believing that she was telling you the truth, you decided that she simply didn't know her own mind and her own heart. You knew it better, and you were going to show her how she really felt by treating her like a Queen.

I guess you thought a girl's own thoughts and feelings can (and perhaps should) be reversed or erased when she is treated like a Queen. But that's probably because you are someone who is bowled over by kind gestures (like her making you breakfast and being extra cuddly, etc). Not a bad trait, but not everyone is like you. And that doesn't make them bad people.

17 hours ago, Guyonajourney said:

all I do know is that I treated her way too good for FWB and even when we were dating. Literally spoiled and treated like a queen.

I think it's fair to say that when you are treated like a Queen, you are lulled into changing your mind. She is not the same way. She was lulled into sleeping with you some more, but she did not change her mind about wanting to be with you. 

I also want to add that I really dislike the sentiment you expressed in this quote above--"way too good." I guess girls you view as 'FWB' don't deserve the same treatment as girls you date? Or as girls you marry? Maybe she sensed this latent sentiment on you and found it off-putting. I would have. 

On 1/3/2023 at 8:41 AM, Guyonajourney said:

I said “if you don't want to go on dates etc lets just be FWB.” She said “that sounds complicated and someone will end up hurt” but then agreed to it. I didn’t actually expect her to say yes. She then said “if we’re FWB there needs to be rules like no texting all the time etc

You wanted something serious and you settled for something less than that. You thought that she would settle, too. But she didn't. She gave you fair warning. Liberally. And she took you at face value when you indicated that you were ok with FWB. In that way, think she actually showed you more respect than you showed her. 

18 hours ago, Guyonajourney said:

Few weeks later back on dating app. 

Why are people so fake and dishonest? I’d rather you just told me straight because that just pisses me off even more! 

Fake and dishonest about what? Why be upset that she's on a dating site? She never said she was looking to be single. She said she wasn't looking for anything serious. You kept giving her serious. The girl is allowed to look for what she wants. 

I get that you are frustrated because things didn't turn out the way that you wanted them to turn out. But you have to acknowledge that all signs pointed to this from the very beginning. I think it's yourself that you should be annoyed with, not the girl. She is not responsible for giving you what you want. You are.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

She never said she was looking to be single. She said she wasn't looking for anything serious. You kept giving her serious. The girl is allowed to look for what she wants. 

Good point!!

[Guyonajourney]

16 hours ago, Jibralta said:

You wanted something serious and you settled for something less than that. You thought that she would settle, too. But she didn't. She gave you fair warning. Liberally. And she took you at face value when you indicated that you were ok with FWB. In that way, think she actually showed you more respect than you showed her. 

Fake and dishonest about what? Why be upset that she's on a dating site? She never said she was looking to be single. She said she wasn't looking for anything serious. You kept giving her serious. The girl is allowed to look for what she wants. 

I appreciate your breakdown and you are correct. I shouldn't have accepted FWB, I had it in my head that it could change but that was because she was breadcrumbing me. Kept saying things like “maybe we can date again one day when im in the right head space” etc.

Your last point - she actually did say she didn’t want to date anyone and just be “alone” and single. Her exact words were - “this isn't a reflection on you or how I feel about you, I just want to be alone. Ive been in long relationships for most of my life and I want to enjoy some of my 20s just focusing on me. Not going on dates, not having to think of another person”. 
 

To say that, then end up on a dating site with it saying “the best way to ask me out is by naming a time and place”. Just proves to me that she was lying and keeping me on the side for her own validation when she knows I would’ve happily dated her, but hey ho, my own fault for choosing to stick around as a FWB. 

 

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, Guyonajourney said:

I appreciate your breakdown and you are correct. I shouldn't have accepted FWB, I had it in my head that it could change but that was because she was breadcrumbing me. Kept saying things like “maybe we can date again one day when im in the right head space” etc.

Your last point - she actually did say she didn’t want to date anyone and just be “alone” and single. Her exact words were - “this isn't a reflection on you or how I feel about you, I just want to be alone. Ive been in long relationships for most of my life and I want to enjoy some of my 20s just focusing on me. Not going on dates, not having to think of another person”. 
 

To say that, then end up on a dating site with it saying “the best way to ask me out is by naming a time and place”. Just proves to me that she was lying and keeping me on the side for her own validation when she knows I would’ve happily dated her, but hey ho, my own fault for choosing to stick around as a FWB. 

Let it go. People lie to avoid hurting other people's feelings. You don't own her; she doesn't owe you anything. Clinging to feelings of bitterness and resentfulness is unattractive.

[Batya33]

39 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Let it go. People lie to avoid hurting other people's feelings. You don't own her; she doesn't owe you anything. Clinging to feelings of bitterness and resentfulness is unattractive.

As is focusing on victimhood. It takes two to be "breadcrumbed" and you posted how you also had a lot of fun and enjoyed the sex so you benefitted to from the sexual arrangement.  And again she could have changed her mind -happens all the time.  

I'd be a lot more honest with yourself next time. It's not "FWB" in that situation.  You can't be friends with someone you see relationship potential with and  there is no benefit to demotion.

[TacticalLinguine]

You can learn a valuable lesson from this - next time, figure out what it is you want. After reading this thread, the constant juggling between casual, serious, fwb, so on, made my head hurt. To be honest I still don't really understand what it is you wanted.

[ostoyanova]

It will last until one of you two finds love. Doing nothing will kill your relationship.