Girl I’ve been dating had a freak out and has now said she wants to be FWB

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Guyonajourney said:

Another weekend spent with her.

Had dinner at my place arranged for Friday, she had been travelling all day and tried to re-arrange but I was busy. She ended up getting home dropping her stuff and driving 30mins to my place. Dinner, sex (honestly the best we’ve had to date) and stayed over. Breakfast in the morning, cuddles, wouldn’t leave😂 Had a few funny chats with her in the evening and morning,  was jokingly telling her that Shes definitely caught feelings for me and is in love but hiding it and she was laughing and giggling but denying it and saying “no thats definitely you” She also said when I made her dinner - “why do you do this for me like you’re just so amazing to me and I don’t know why, I don’t even deserve it” I said, “I like to treat women well”. 

Arranged to meet again on Sunday, actually went out and did some shopping (first time in like a month we’ve went out and done something). Watched a movie and cuddled, cooked me lunch and we didn't even have sex that day (first time ever) but we were actually just enjoying each others company and time flew. 

She said shes busy most of this week but will text me when free. Haven’t got anything for valentines day even though she made multiple jokes (or not jokes who knows) about flowers and gifts.
 

Taking it day by day. Theres no doubt I think shes an awesome girl, and I will admit that I like her and feel good around her and maybe the more I see her the more I realise I do want more but I’m just taking it slow and not putting pressures on it.
 

If it goes South, well I was warned. 

She's either not hiding a thing and just playing all lovey dovey and if she is 'hiding" it's because she's choosing fear over emotional connection and commitment.  Who needs that nonsense at this point? Also I wouldn't put it as "I treat women well" -she's an individual person you've chosen to treat in a certain way -why respond with a broad generalization that implies you're going through the motions? Or are you hiding out too?

You can take any relationship day by day and hour by hour while also not excusing yourself from asking yourself -does this have long term potential and if not am I ok with the risk that I have put myself out there and since we have no understanding, no commitment, no sharing of deep feelings there's an even greater risk of her saying "ok -see ya -don't want to see you again, take care" - that's a much bigger risk in this game you are playing with yourself.

I wouldn't do v-day unless you're willing to step up to the plate, be honest with yourself and with her and tell her that if her intentions are not potentially long term you have to exit so you can avoid needless emotional investment and heartbreak. 

[boltnrun]

How would you feel if you found out she was sleeping with someone else? And don't say "Oh, she wouldn't have time, she's busy, she said she isn't interested in having sex with anyone else", whatever. I'm just curious how you would feel if you found out she had another alleged "FWB" in addition to you. 

[Jaunty]

This is starting to sound like something out of a romcom that I would never voluntarily watch.

[Guyonajourney]

17 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

This is starting to sound like something out of a romcom that I would never voluntarily watch.

Hahaha - those end up being the best ones though😂

[Guyonajourney]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

How would you feel if you found out she was sleeping with someone else? And don't say "Oh, she wouldn't have time, she's busy, she said she isn't interested in having sex with anyone else", whatever. I'm just curious how you would feel if you found out she had another alleged "FWB" in addition to you. 

Well we did agree to tell each other if we did. 
 

Right now, I’d probably be a little pissed but not really in a position to be as we aren’t exclusive. 

[Betterwithout]

7 hours ago, Guyonajourney said:

She said shes busy most of this week but will text me when free. Haven’t got anything for valentines day even though she made multiple jokes (or not jokes who knows) about flowers and gifts.

FWB usually are preferred by 1 of the 2 people involved.  For many people it's very difficult not to develop feelings.  I think it's rare to have them continue for more than a few months.

You've been warned plenty, but be realistic and do protect your heart, especially on this Hallmark time period.
Real life isn't Hollywood where one can be "won over" or converted

[Jaunty]

When people are getting to know each other, there seems to always come a time when things get "real" and the reality overtakes games.  Will this ever happen, or you two will just carry on like this until one of you moves on or gets sick of it?  

 

[MissCanuck]

You keep doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different outcome. 

 

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Guyonajourney said:

Well we did agree to tell each other if we did. 
 

Right now, I’d probably be a little pissed but not really in a position to be as we aren’t exclusive. 

Do you want to be exclusive? Do you want her to be your girlfriend or do you just want casual sex and cuddling?

[bluecastle]

9 hours ago, Guyonajourney said:

If it goes South, well I was warned. 

Well, what direction do you think it's going in at present, because from these seats it sure isn't a northbound flight. 

Remove your own imagination from this, and your own "jokey" poking and prodding to get her to say things you want to hear, and what's left? A woman who is straight up telling you that she's not feeling the Big Things, that it's clearly you who's got the heart twisted around her axel. Keep digging with the same shovel and you'll see nature of the hole here.

On the other hand, if what you're wanting in life right now is to get laid and play emotional footsie while you nurse a mending heart—have at it. Not an ounce of shame in that toe-dance, but in trying to pretend something else is going on? Well, that's where the ephemeral sweetness of drama quickly sours.

[Jaunty]

It seems that you don't know what you want.   This thread started with you enjoying dating this girl but making a big point of telling her that you were:

Quote

enjoying JUST dating for now and didn’t want to lead her on in any way. 

As someone said back there, you demoted yourself.

She accepted it.

And the whole ensuing thread is you pretending to be in a bf/gf relationship with her.

Why.  It comes off as dishonest.  

[Guyonajourney]

Well the update you’ve all been expecting.

Its done. Dead in the water. 

Seen each other last week all was good but over the weekend noticed her being quiet on me again. Can tell when shes about to pull this on me as its the 3rd time now. 
 

Asked her if she wanted to come over for dinner this week and I got - “Im so sorry I wish I could give you the time you deserve, I think it’s obvious that if we carry this on someone will get hurt.” She then phoned me and we spoke for an hour, she then asked me round to hers. Went over and she was visibly upset. Had news about her mother who may have cancer and just has a lot on her plate. I comforted her and said no hard feelings and that it’s probably best we left things. I then left. 
 

Text her when I got back to tell her I’d be here for her if she ever needed me as I’ve been through what shes going through with her mum before. But also made it clear that I do like her but if she’s unavailable then I wont pursue her. Probably lied to myself through majority of this and realised now that I really did like her and have feelings for her and in the back of my mind had always thought it may develop into something.

she replied with this - “That’s honestly the nicest message and I have a lot of respect for you opening up about how you feel. As much as I’m feeling guilty right now, this is why I think it’s probably a good idea that it came to end because feelings are only going to get deeper and someone might end up hurt. I honestly think you are such an amazing guy and I have literally never been treated so well, you make me feel like a Queen every single day, its sooo nice. How I feel at the moment has no reflection on you, or previous relationships really. I just know what I want from life and at this moment and time it’s to be by myself and work on me, I haven’t really had the chance in my entire 20’s to do that. Maybe it’s my fault for keeping it going longer than I should have and I genuinely mean it when I say I hope there’s no bad blood, it’s the last thing I would want!! Don’t be a stranger xx” 

Its ghost mode from me now. This has happened 3 times and been going on since November last year, its just stupid at this point. I care about her and she means a lot but its not worth the heartache. That message she sent also is just full of sh* t in my opinion, if I treat you so well etc etc you’d find a way to make it work. Its the usual way of letting someone down lightly, yeah she may want to be single and live for her fair enough but I wouldn’t be surprised if shes dating someone else in a month or so. 

Realistically, I pedestaled this girl way too much, did far too much for her especially for a “casual” hook up buddies when I think about it. Its hard when you’re naturally a kind hearted person and been brought up to treat women well, I don’t really think deeply into the small gestures I do at the time but its only when you step back you realise it was definitely too much. 

This one kinda hurts I wont lie but it was my own doing, I should have cut it off the first time this happened and listened to everyones advice here.

Ah well…. Lesson learned. 
 

thanks all, 

[MissCanuck]

OP, I think in some ways you needed it to end like this. 

That’s not to say you deserve it, but rather that you weren’t otherwise going to see that this was a total dead-end that was never going to develop. Hopefully now you block her everywhere and keep it that way. 

You’ll be ok, but you need to sit with the lessons learned here and not repeat the same mistakes in the future.

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, Guyonajourney said:

this is why I think it’s probably a good idea that it came to end because feelings are only going to get deeper and someone might end up hurt.

 Sorry you're disappointed. In a way, it's a relief to have closure and be out of this confusing limbo. It's better to cut your losses sooner rather than later.

Now you're both free to pursue the kinds of people and relationships that suit you better.

[Guyonajourney]

34 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

OP, I think in some ways you needed it to end like this. 

That’s not to say you deserve it, but rather that you weren’t otherwise going to see that this was a total dead-end that was never going to develop. Hopefully now you block her everywhere and keep it that way. 

You’ll be ok, but you need to sit with the lessons learned here and not repeat the same mistakes in the future.

Yep I’d agree. Naivety at best and lying to myself about my feelings for her just so I could continue to see her with this fake facade that it was just FWB when in reality I wanted more. 
 

She even said to me “You’d make an amazing boyfriend and I know deep down you’d rather be going out for dinners, nights away and doing activities and its not fair if we keep this going as I’m stopping you from doing that and someone is out there who would want that and reciprocate it, just for me right now, I’m not in the headspace”. 
 

It is what it is. She did ask me if I’d be unfollowing her on social media etc. she said she still wants to see what I’m doing with my life as its not bitter. I’m on the fence, it’s kinda hard for me to see her on socials as its a reminder but also we haven’t fallen out and there isn’t bad blood as such so I feel like blocking comes across petty and bitter. Perhaps I’ll just mute her profile? 
 

anyway, thanks for all the advice over the last few months. The next person I date, if they tell me from the beginning like she did that they don't want anything serious then thats my queue to leave. 

[Guyonajourney]

33 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Sorry you're disappointed. In a way, it's a relief to have closure and be out of this confusing limbo. It's better to cut your losses sooner rather than later.

Now you're both free to pursue the kinds of people and relationships that suit you better.

Its true, this back and forth, hot and cold is actually really toxic. It’s totally messed with my head. When we were together it would feel amazing like we were in a relationship basically, she’d be all over me and vice versa but then days would pass of little to no communication and I’d start to overthink and wonder about my true feelings for her. 
 

A whirlwind of emotions that I cannot mentally cope with in all honesty! 

[Jibralta]

I'm really sorry it turned out this way. But I could see it coming a mile a way.

2 hours ago, Guyonajourney said:

if I treat you so well etc etc you’d find a way to make it work.

That's just plain wrong. She told you in the very beginning that she didn't see a future in this. You really should have taken her at her word. But instead you chalked it up to everything from hormone changes to her not knowing her own mind and being frightened of her own feelings.

I wonder why you had such a difficult time taking her at face value? She was completely above board and up front with you.

On 1/4/2023 at 6:17 AM, Jibralta said:

On 1/3/2023 at 8:41 AM, Guyonajourney said:

But I’m wondering if shes started to catch feelings for me and its freaked her out and shes pulled this on me.

Speaking from my own experience: My guess it's the opposite. She's not catching feelings and isn't going to catch feelings. She likes you as a person and as a man, but she doesn't want this to go beyond friendship. I think her making you breakfast was a gesture of appreciation and gratitude that you are down with that. She's affectionate and cuddly towards you because she's an affectionate and cuddly person. Now that she's announced up front that she has no romantic intentions toward you, she feels she can be as affectionate and flirty as she wants because you know better than to allow yourself to interpret it as more than it is. 

[Batya33]

I hope you feel much better and I would not at all follow her on social media - if she needs your support she'll contact you (meaning the situation with her mom -I'm sorry!)

And I don't buy the catch feelings stuff -yes, that spark, that magic, that chemistry - feels like you caught it.  But the feelings you need and choose as part of a lasting committed relationship -or even for serious potential -nothing passive about it. 

You can moon over your partner all day every day and dream of them and miss them -but the stuff that counts is when you act on your feelings in a way that shows serious potential or your commitment and devotion. 

Yesterday I was all up in my own feelings for kind of a good reason - we'd just dropped off our son for his first ever overnight away from us - till Friday! - and he's never even had a sleepover and he just turned 14 (thanks pandemic for a lot of that delay). 

Husband and I walked home together and I'm all over the place in my feelings.  But my husband -who was more chill- wanted to talk about a work issue coming up that day -a dicey situation and how should he best handle it. If I waited around to "catch feelings" -to feel like listening, to feel like putting aside that urge to be OMG will he be ok??? that I'd been holding in all morning for my son's sake - I'd likely have selfishly said "love ya but --- I just can't right now."

Instead I was all ears, all heart -for him - for him to have me there to listen and troubleshoot and brainstorm and I was so glad he asked me. 

I put my needs/feelings aside to be there for him. I do that regularly -obviously within reason.  Because just because you catch feelings for someone doesn't mean you're going to act on them in a committed way.  In fact often it's about the "feelings" and not the giving when you passively "catch". 

When you grow and maintain the feelings by acting on them in the relationship that shows you want to stick around, you are committed.  That's the active part IMO. 

She didn't want to do the active part and she didn't want to receive your active part.  That was the risk -not that she'd "catch feelings" but that you'd want to act on them in a relationship way and not just a hang out and hook up when it's convenient way.  And it's not 'just" - if 2 people enjoy hanging out and hooking up and are adults -that's awesome for them.  It wasn't awesome for  you.  

[Guyonajourney]

55 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I'm really sorry it turned out this way. But I could see it coming a mile a way.

I wonder why you had such a difficult time taking her at face value? She was completely above board and up front with you.

You were right, as many others were. 
 

I guess at the beginning I was firmly in the same boat of casual and just going with the flow but over time my feelings definitely changed. Perhaps I thought hers would too and that's why I held onto this silly idea of FWB with the hope that the more time we spent together then the dynamic may have shifted. Very naive of me! 
 

I definitely didn’t help with how affectionate she was with me and how we acted when we seen each other, it felt A LOT more than FWB in those moments. 
 

I appreciate all the advice over the last few weeks. Time to dust myself off and take a breather. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Guyonajourney said:

You were right, as many others were. 
 

I guess at the beginning I was firmly in the same boat of casual and just going with the flow but over time my feelings definitely changed. Perhaps I thought hers would too and that's why I held onto this silly idea of FWB with the hope that the more time we spent together then the dynamic may have shifted. Very naive of me! 
 

I definitely didn’t help with how affectionate she was with me and how we acted when we seen each other, it felt A LOT more than FWB in those moments. 
 

I appreciate all the advice over the last few weeks. Time to dust myself off and take a breather. 

Feelings aren't facts.  Fact is she said she didn't want a relationship with you so reading into signs of playing at being a couple is kinda irrelevant.  Also it's awesome to go with the flow and also have long term goals -stating intentions for something potentially serious means you are on the same page and then you go with the flow as far as getting to know each other.  Sometimes I read about this notion that "casual" is "freer" because you can "go with the flow" - but often it's far more freeing to have that underpinning of commitment or serious potential and then within that framework you're free to get to know each other in all sorts of ways -if both people want that of course!

[Guyonajourney]

Thanks @Batya33. Ive muted her for now and will probably unfollow her soon, I just dont want to come across bitter as I don’t have any bad feelings towards her even though I’m a little hurt. 
 

When I look back I definitely did/do have feelings. I did so many small gestures which weren’t reciprocated (not that I give to receive but the principle) and those gestures were way too much for what was meant to be casual. And you are right, I thought I could just hook up and hang out and not care but its clearly not in my nature and the more I seen her the more I felt strongly for her. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Guyonajourney said:

Thanks @Batya33. Ive muted her for now and will probably unfollow her soon, I just dont want to come across bitter as I don’t have any bad feelings towards her even though I’m a little hurt. 
 

When I look back I definitely did/do have feelings. I did so many small gestures which weren’t reciprocated (not that I give to receive but the principle) and those gestures were way too much for what was meant to be casual. And you are right, I thought I could just hook up and hang out and not care but its clearly not in my nature and the more I seen her the more I felt strongly for her. 

What's bitter about not following someone's public social media? Sometimes we have to "come across" or risk coming across in a negative light to take care of ourselves.  

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Guyonajourney said:

I just dont want to come across bitter

So you're still doing things based on how she would perceive it? Why? She made it clear you two will not be a couple, so why continue to try to impress her?

Now is the time for you to do what's best for YOU, not based on what she might think. 

[Jibralta]

12 hours ago, Guyonajourney said:

I guess at the beginning I was firmly in the same boat of casual and just going with the flow but over time my feelings definitely changed. Perhaps I thought hers would too and that's why I held onto this silly idea of FWB with the hope that the more time we spent together then the dynamic may have shifted. Very naive of me!

Live and learn, right? Don't beat yourself up about it.

12 hours ago, Guyonajourney said:

Ive muted her for now and will probably unfollow her soon, I just dont want to come across bitter as I don’t have any bad feelings towards her even though I’m a little hurt. 

That's good of you. 👍

[MissCanuck]

On 2/28/2023 at 1:09 PM, Guyonajourney said:

I just dont want to come across bitter

Honestly, who cares how you come across to her?

Her opinion of you still means too much. I wouldn't give one fig if she thought I was bitter. Self-preservation is more important than putting on airs for a girl who doesn't actually care that much about you. 

It's good that you have muted her for now, but I would strongly suggest you delete her. Otherwise you will kick yourself the day curiosity kills the cat and you check her profile only to discover her snuggled up to some other guy in a couple-selfie.