Husband doesn’t want me on my phone when I’m parenting.

[liz22]

I’m watching my 1 year old full time and sometimes I like to watch a video on my phone or scroll Facebook.  My husband gets mad at me saying I need to pay attention to our child.  I considerate this my “me” time when I’m on my phone while my toddler is playing.  He (my husband) on the other hand spends little time with our toddler.  He goes to work and then spends about 4 hours in his man cave garage after work before coming in.  How do I get him to see that I need time for myself too and that comes in the way of watching something on my phone.  He makes me feel like a bad parent when I feel like I do everything.  I’m lucky to shower twice a week so I feel like he needs to back off about my phone. 

[SherrySher]

Two wrongs don't make a right.

You should be playing with your child. Paying full attention, and enjoying the time you have with your child as they grow up so quickly.

So many parents let this time go by, and either have their child playing alone, or watching a tv or computer.

Please pay attention, because you will never get this time back, once it's gone, it's gone.

Nothing on your phone could possibly be more important than time and memories with your little one.

As for your husband, he's no better by going off and doing his own thing and not appreciating or paying attention to his child, and to his family.

These are times and memories you will never, ever get back.

I hope both of you start appreciating it, and start creating a life together and not just coexist in the same space.

I do agree that parents need time to themselves too, but it should be scheduled time when your little one is napping, or asleep for the night. 

Otherwise, they deserve you and your full attention. 

[Cherylyn]

I agree with @SherrySherChildren grow up within a blink of an eye.  One day, you'll regret not spending enough time with your child, interacting, reading to them and immersing yourself into such fleeting moments. 

Your husband needs to be on the same page, too.  Time with your child is precious and priceless.  It will never come back. 

I agree with @SherrySherYour downtime should be whenever the child is napping, asleep, at school (someday), with a trusted babysitter, etc. 

[liz22]

To clarify, I’m not on my phone all day.  I am with her all day and night and do lots with her.  She is never out of my sight.  I just casually go on my phone to check what is going on in the world, purchase necessities since I don’t get out of the house, etc.  it is difficult when I never get a break and then my husband makes me feel like a bad person because I check a football score online or whatever.  I am the babysitter.  My baby has sleep issues too so I have to be with her for naps and sleep To constantly rock and put back in crib.  Her sleep time is not my time to do whatever.   If anything I get her to sleep for long enough increments so that I can sleep and then function during the day. 
it would be nice if my husband said I was doing a good job every once and a while instead of finding a moment here and there of me doing something for myself and make me feel like I’m not doing anything.  If I ask my husband for help he sighs, makes me feel like a failure and says “what would you do if I wasn’t here to help”.  

[1a1a]

As an objective outsider (with no hands on experience being a mum and a strong sense that it really Is an all consuming job in those early years, much sympathy for the lost you time here) I’m inclined to agree that going on the phone makes you absent in a way you might not realise but the kid is definitely noticing. 
 

But you also need time for yourself. Have a stab in the dark how much time. Tell your husband you’ve been thinking about what he said and you agree with him, phone away while child minding is better. You really want to adhere to this. But you need more breaks than you are currently getting. Would he sit down with you and brainstorm how you and he can work as a team so you can get some you time and the little one can get the maximum amount of time with attentive parents possible?

Maybe there are scheduled times where he is locked in to be the one giving the kid quality time, maybe you hire a baby sitter a couple of times a week, maybe there’s a family member who can come and help sometimes, maybe he has some ideas? Tell him you think this is a valid concern and you need his help working out how to be the best parent and maintain your mental health.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

This is ridiculous.

How can he even know that you've watched a video while he's away all day at work? It hits me as controlling. He should be contributing to childcare and house chores instead of sitting in his man cave in isolation and not helping you take a break from the baby once he's back home.

As long as the baby is safe, it's fine to watch a couple of videos. You're an adult and you need some escape/entertainment like most people. He, on the other hand, needs to contribute more instead of just complaining about whatever small safe thing you do to release some stress.

[DarkCh0c0]

Did you get married to the man who told you that he was still in love with his ex?

[mylolita]

Hey Liz! 
 

Mother of 3 here (ages 4, 3 and 1 and a half). I also stay at home full time and have also for the past year been home schooling my eldest boy. 
 

My kids all napped together until very recently (my son dropped his, he is about the start school after all) but the girls do. 
 

I will say this - it’s tough because you are constantly vigilant, constantly “on”. You can’t have a bad day in front of them. You’re not allowed to be grumpy. You can’t let any irritation with them or your husband out. There is this perfect pressure that we must play with our children and be with them every second from 6am until 7pm. It’s humanly impossible to do this fully for years on end, day after day, everyday, without a break. No mum gets a “holiday”. We can’t just say hey, I’ve pulled some 15 hour days for a whole year, I would love a week off now - no chance!

 

Lots of parents as well, like my own, brought me up in the early 90s where they didn’t have the temptation of their phone, didn’t have the internet. Their release was aerobics, taking walks, meeting up with friends or the guilty and shamed mum pleasure - daytime tv, like Oprah and Sally Jesse - they were the “old vices”. Not many people who are older know what it is like to raise babies whilst having a smart phone. I think they think they would put it  in a drawer all day and play relentlessly with their kids? 
 

I’m sorry ladies! 
 

If you are only taking a whole hour out of what will be an extremely long day with potential waking up during the night, I actually applaud you! Most peoples working day is 8 hours, with small breaks and an hours lunch - yet you are not allowed this, and made  to feel guilty? 
 

You are still there, on call, on duty. You are not disappearing upstairs and leaving your baby to roam alone. 
 

I have about 4 hours on average online a day - I want to get it down. Two to three are on an evening once the kids go down, I do a lot of writing, online shopping, browsing and Pintrest interior idea type things, read articles, listen to music on YouTube - the other hour is bits and bobs like, for example; once I’ve played with the kids for an hour or so, I get them bathed and dressed and then put them in my eldest twos bedroom to play together with juice whilst I take a bath alone and yes, I do look at my phone, write in a journal. I can hear them and see them down the hall. I normally get about 40 minutes if no one starts fighting.

 

Kids can play by themselves and with their siblings. That is what creativity and sibling friendship is for. You have to cook, clean, run a house and run errands - it can’t all be singing nursery rhymes until you both fall asleep in each other’s arms. Taking a one hour kinda of break during the day is not meaning you are missing out on your children’s childhood, I’m sorry. You’re human, not a robot - sometimes you need to zone out and have some stupid distraction, be it part of a Netflix’s movie or yes, a scroll on your phone.

 

We actually have a rule where we don’t look at our phone in front of our kids. That’s just our preference. My husband breaks it for work a lot which I’m not happy about but then again, he plays a massive part in their lives and we need money to carry on, sometimes it just won’t wait. I try to limit phone time to my morning soak, my evening soak, and maybe if I nip to go to the loo, or let something boil on the job whilst I’m cooking, I’ll call someone up or answer a few text messages. 
 

My day is very long. Especially when they were going through that tiny baby stage and woke up through the night and said morning at 5am. 
 

Carve yourself out that hour however you need in my opinion. Yes it would be amazing and perfect if it was always during their nap or when they are being looked after by someone else but life isn’t perfect and neither are you! Too much pressure on parents to be super human. Our kids are supposed to be genius morally superior only organic food and drink consuming played wi to educationally for 6 hours of the day always in the fresh air for 7 hours of the day feeding calves and cows and never watching one tv show ever! I don’t buy it. Everything in moderation. If you spend an hour or two a day with them giving them undivided attention when you play, or read, or love on them, and then potter and chat too them and take them out with you for the rest - an hour doing this and that on your phone is not going to do much harm. 
 

Don’t beat yourself up. 
 

Maybe your husband could come out of the cave for an hour and contribute as well. He has no right to tell you off if he isn’t involved in anyway. 
 

x

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, liz22 said:

I’m watching my 1 year old full time and sometimes I like to watch a video on my phone or scroll Facebook.  My husband gets mad at me saying I need to pay attention to our child.  I considerate this my “me” time when I’m on my phone while my toddler is playing.  He (my husband) on the other hand spends little time with our toddler.  He goes to work and then spends about 4 hours in his man cave garage after work before coming in.  How do I get him to see that I need time for myself too and that comes in the way of watching something on my phone.  He makes me feel like a bad parent when I feel like I do everything.  I’m lucky to shower twice a week so I feel like he needs to back off about my phone. 

Here is my personal and rambling take on this. I've only glanced at the other responses so far. I was a "SAHM" for 7 years.  I didn't have a smartphone till he was 6.  I had a flip phone -very limited texting. He is 13.  I knew for me- personally -now that I have a phone -I get sucked in way too easily if I am on my phone especially on social media or messaging - and that includes interacting meaningfully with my husband so I am mindful of not being on my phone at times when I am supposed to be interacting in person with people. 

And I mean as opposed to: reading a book, magazine, talking on the phone even (depending on who) - I could not stand seeing sitters and nannies on phones (or parents) in certain situations especially like when their child was nowhere near them and a toddler in a non-fenced in play area or a big area where they could get lost, or in a store where the child was behind them walking around and they're oblivious because they're on their phone. 

It depends- not a black and white issue unless the parent hires a nanny and tells them no phone while you are doing X.  I think a paid nanny/sitter especially if it's just for a specific block of time when child is awake likely is paid to interact not be on his or her phone.

My then teenage niece was my (paid) mother's helper for two summers part time.  Son was 4-5 years old.  When she took him to certain playgrounds I told her she could not sit and be on her phone -she had to keep her eyes on him and know where he was (even if not interacting -he could play with other kids/on his own).  I paid her to interact with him in a meaningful way.  If I was interacting with my son I wasn't on my phone.  And I feel -true or not? -that when my son sees me reading a book/magazine and/or doing work -I write and edit a lot by hand and on a laptop - I am a lot more approachable. Also I found it positive for him to see me reading.  

I do NOT believe that a parent can't multitask and I believe that if it's a safe place for child to play the child should play independently and learn how to do that. A la Janet Lansbury.  It's really good for them to entertain themselves in a safe, kid friendly space with appropriate toys - like cardboard boxes they can crawl in or decorate later on with stickers, pots and pans to bang, board books, blocks, legos or the legos for babies, balls they can roll around, paper with age appropriate crayons, simple puzzles etc. Kids have great imaginations if they're allowed to be "bored" for a moment.  Yes when my son was 2 or so we did that ABC Mouse thing on the computer and he had a leapfrog toy. Also Etch a Sketch is great.  Later on -fun playing cards or flash cards -fun not drills.

It's also nice to narrate so if baby is doing something "I see you are putting all your stuffed animals in the box -is it their nap time?" Even if baby looks at you like an alien it's good for them to hear the parent acknowledging and asking a question.  

My son and I used to play these "matching" games together when he was 3 - you turn over the cards to find matches of the animals or clothing items or whatever - and no you shouldn't be on your phone at those times even to glance -the world will continue to spin on its axis.  JMHO.  It's good for the child to play independently AND see that he has your full attention when you're interacting.

 Again there are exceptions -a child with a speech delay or some other delay might need more one on one interaction with a parent as per a therapists' recommendation.  I don't think it's good for a child to see his mom constantly on her phone though.  

And know yourself.  When my son was old enough for me not to trail him in a playground (for me that age was probably closer to 4 for my own personal reasons) -trail him meaning not sit on the bench from a distance) - I did not go on a phone -I would read a magazine, even do some office paperwork - because for me that wasn't all consuming so that I'd forget to watch him appropriately. 

I "lost" him one time.  He was 4 at our local playground.  I think I turned my back for under 30 seconds maybe I was looking at my book but my back was turned -he was going down a slide.  Then he wasn't -he ran down a hill and was only a couple of feet away but I could not see him.  For two minutes he called back to me but I couldn't hear him.  He didn't know he shouldn't go down the hill. I found him only because he ran back up the hill.  It was terrifying for those two minutes -I know your husband is focused on interacting but safety is a concern too.  I don't feel I did anything wrong - it happens and from then on he knew to stay where I could see him at all times.  

My son had a nap schedule so I had that time -sort of - to get cleaning done/eat/maybe get a phone call in. Maybe.  But before I was a SAHM I spent 15 years working more than full time, crazy unpredictable hours so I didn't expect to have large blocks of "me" time in my SAHM (unpaid) job.  And my husband who worked crazy hours and traveled spent so so much time with our son whenever he could.  Not just to give me a break -because they are so close and adore each other.  

Also depends on the couple.  Our arrangement was: I was full time at home.  I hired cleaning people to come twice a month -husband insisted (but haven't since the pandemic).  I didn't do many "classes" or anything drop off when he was a baby and didn't hire sitters until the mother's helper gig.  We were out and about constantly - playgrounds, library story time, the library, museums, shopping where we practiced weighing watermelons lol and exploring the park and feeding ducks and collecting twigs and rocks.  He also liked his playpen a lot -he really did. 

So when he was in there playing with his toys and "reading" his board books I could make a call, do laundry, etc.  I knew when he needed me believe me lol. No I didn't interact with him much when he was exploring in a safe space like that or our apartment.  It really depended on what he was doing. But I saw my primary job as child care.  Not housework.  I didn't think my husband was required to do half of that -he worked crazy hours and traveled a lot.  I solo parented a lot.  No family around.  No sitters (my preference -husband would have been fine with it).  But when my husband was home -he was all in with our son.  It was amazing to see -not surprising - I knew he would -but amazing.

We talked about all of this in advance, we tweaked things along the way.

[Kwothe28]

I dunno, I think its very important that even a little kids develop a habit to "play alone" with at least some supervision. Little kids are dependable on parents, but its never a bad thing that they learn not to be that dependable. So I dont think what you are doing is that bad. You could maybe use that time more better then just looking at your phone. But that is your thing. 

Your husband is a problem though. He should be a dependable partner. Somebody who would take over at least some of your duties. 4 hours in his "man cave" is not that. When kids come its natural that you just cant find time for things like that. As you have other duties. But he seems not to realize that. And thinks that he can behave as "bachelor" without any duties there. I duno if you let him that or he is just like that by nature, but, its not a good habit and no wonder whole burden around the kid falls on you. And I am afraid that if you let him to "play in his man cave for 4 hours", he wont really be happy that he needs to take over some duties. But neither should you. You are not a single mom. And you should at least have some help. Communicate that with him, but again, if the situation is like that, I am afraid that it wont have any effect.

[mylolita]

I also agree! 
 

I keep the phone time unseen by my kids but at the same time, now and then, it’s not too bad at all and you are definitely not this neglectful uninvolved mother! 
 

My kids all play together themselves for quite big portions of the day! The early morning especially, because I’m just not a morning kinda gal!

 

My neighbour opposite caught me once in the street and said, “Don’t take this the wrong way - your kids get up very early don’t they?” I said yes, don’t they ever! She then said, “I go out for a run at 6. I see them on the morning in the front room. They look like they have a blast!” And, I put on some jazz music and dress them and they dance around on the couch or I leave out drawing stuff and playdough on the large table and they get up and play little games together with their toys in the dough, then when I’m bathed and relaxed and had my coffee, I’m down and ready! Most days! But I don’t feel bad (although most Mums feel guilt, trust me, no matter how you play this game!) that they had 40 minutes all babbling on and running around together by themselves! That’s the beauty of siblings as well! 
 

My son sometimes even says to me, late afternoon when he’s tired, “Mam, I’m going to go upstairs for some alone time. I’ll be back soon.” I’ve checked in on him and he sits and reads on his bed, or starts a Lego project, or is just playing with figures. Two girls (his sisters) can be a lot. Then he’s back down. Kids need a break too. Parents sometimes think kids need constant action, constant doing! But this isn’t always the case! I see my kids daze off into little daydreams often. We do park, play dates, library - but I allow myself those breaks, they need quiet times too. I’m a full time housewife and mother so part of my job is house chores and cooking, so that’s what takes up another big slice of time. You can’t be everything all the time.

 

Just think about even 80 years ago. Were mothers playing constantly with their many children? No! They played together, and outside, in large families! She had to get on with cooking and chores which were must harder by hand then they are now! Go outside and play was the motto, and they did, for hours and hours, in large groups. The mothers got their breaks or only had to then tend to one baby and a small toddler.

 

It’s very interesting because I spoke to my Grandmas about this once I became a mum myself. They came from typical large families (one of 7, the other one of 4. My Grandads were one of 9, one of 8). My favourite Grandma used to say “mother would say, now be off with you!” She would wrap an apple some bread and cheese in a hankie and you went off with the others at 4 years old to play in the beck and on the field. And if you talked back, you got a swat across the back of your head! 
 

Oh how it’s changed! She said her mother was always exhausted and pregnant. She told me she had a happy childhood in the country feeding horses. 
 

Too much pressure and involvement from parents these days in a nit picking, stifling, helicopter way. My son wants to see how high and far he can jump, my daughter wants to talk with her dolls and paint. My baby girl toddles along pushing her teddy around. We spend time at the beach which is 5 minutes from our house. A bit of you time, however you find that, is totally acceptable. Balance is key. You will know when you are zoning out for too long or becoming uninvolved by your own standards.

 

x

[mylolita]

(For example, I’m relaxing now with a cup of herbal tea because my husband has taken the older two to the woods for a walk since the weathers broke out nice and my youngest baby is napping!)

 

Get those breaks in, I really recommend! And your husband needs to help more! Very unfair! He is allowed a 4 hour break after work daily but you’re not allowed 1? Tut tut! 
 

All the best,

 

x

[Batya33]

I think 1 is very young but it's also very child dependent. I was a child who was content from a young age to read my books. For hours.  I slept really well.  My mom was home with me till I was 6 -then worked part time and my grandparents took care of me too and they were across the street.  But my sister.  Oh goodness.  Ms. Drama Queen (I love her to the ends of the earth) -as my mom said -she napped beautifully. 2 hours at a time! All night.  Still a bad sleeper and she's a 61 year old grandmother LOL.  My sister needed so much attention and so much more than me. My mom said -when she was pregnant with me sister was 5 and she said "I was exhausted so yes your sister watched Sesame Street so I could take a nap on the couch".  So it depends.

My son likely watched too much tv/kids programming as a baby/toddler but we also didn't have laptops/phones/devices other than what I mentioned and his leapfrog thing was like 20 minutes at a time.  What I did do was put on the all music channel for toddlers so there was simply a picture on the screen but not a "show".  But my son was bursting with energy always on the move so this wasn't a plop kid down in front of tv for hours -huge blocks of time between naps running around playgrounds, parks and we have a really nice big courtyard space in our apartment building that doesn't exit to the street so on bad weather days we could do that and duck back in if the skies opened up. 

Also (sorry neighbors!!) if the hallways were empty he could do his tricycle or the like up and down the hallways.  And in desperation I'd take him on adventures -meaning take elevator to top floor -5th floor - then look out window to see how small people and cars looked.  Then maybe play with hot wheels cars in hallway.  Take elevator one flight down at a time to explore.  I mean when it was freezing out that's what we did.  And it's how he met a really good friend -a neighbor boy.  

(We have one child - that is what we were blessed with biologically in our 40s and we were not interested in adopting or fostering more children).  

I add these anecdotes because SAHM is really hard!! But if you get creative you see how much you can do with very little swag/$$ or structured "classes".  

[Kwothe28]

35 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Just think about even 80 years ago. Were mothers playing constantly with their many children? No! They played together, and outside, in large families!

Not even that was often a case. In college we had a book about an education in early 20th century regarding big communal families. They all lived together, men would go in a field to work on their land, women would do the jobs around home. Kids care was just a bunch of kids put in the corner of the room and separated by obstacle, playing amongst themselves like in kindergarden. They all looked the same as both boys and girls just wore a big oversized shirts that looked like a skirts on them, and would be very lucky if mothers even take them in arms. Only later when "nuclear family"(just parents and kids) became more of a thing, there was a bigger emphasis on child care at all. In early 20th century there simply wasnt that much care or even bonding with kids at all. Partially because sadly kids wouldnt live that much at all due to medicine not being that advanced, but more because kids werent looked at like we look at kids today as in somebody in constant need, nore did they have time for them to dedicate to kids at all.

Sorry to digress, just thought it was interesting to mention lol

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

In college we had a book about an education in early 20th century regarding big communal families.

That is interesting! One of my majors was education and we read a book called Summerhill which was similar to that as far as educating children in an open education model -not with the sort of one on one nuclear family type attention. 

I think it so varies by couple especially because many couples have extended family/grandparents around so if dad is working all the time there's an uncle, a grandpa, etc who fills in in a parental role.  For me -I think kids benefit by interacting with more than one adult caregiver -they learn how different adults have different rules/temperaments etc and it helps with flexibility and also feeling safe and secure with more than one parent.  My son didn't go to formal school until age 3.5 -it was a preschool from 9 to 1pm.  The teacher told me on day one he "followed" her around the playground and stayed by her since that was what he was used to doing with me!  

[boltnrun]

I guess I don't get the concept of "you should be staring at your child nonstop when she's awake". Before smart phones there was TV, were we mothers not allowed to have the TV on while our child or children were awake? I watched TV at times while the kids were babies and toddlers and nothing horrible happened to them and I didn't miss out on anything they did or accomplished. I was right there. In fact, my son took his first ever steps toward the TV because he wanted to play with the cartoon character on the show we were watching!

How does your husband excuse his four hours per day in his "man cave"? Does he say it's because he works all day? Does he not consider you raising his child to be "work"?

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I guess I don't get the concept of "you should be staring at your child nonstop when she's awake". Before smart phones there was TV, were we mothers not allowed to have the TV on while our child or children were awake? I watched TV at times while the kids were babies and toddlers and nothing horrible happened to them and I didn't miss out on anything they did or accomplished. I was right there. In fact, my son took his first ever steps toward the TV because he wanted to play with the cartoon character on the show we were watching!

How does your husband excuse his four hours per day in his "man cave"? Does he say it's because he works all day? Does he not consider you raising his child to be "work"?

Part of why I learned to read so young was watching Sesame Street and Electric Company.  I also had TV on and made sure it wasn't scary/inappropriate.  You are right - parents had TV, radio, etc.  My sister "wore" her babies/toddlers constantly while she did her cooking and cleaning because they liked it and I'm sure she didn't talk to them nonstop.  My son was so active that I couldn't have done that.  

[MissCanuck]

What is your husband doing in his man cave for 4 hours every evening after work? 

[mylolita]

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Not even that was often a case. In college we had a book about an education in early 20th century regarding big communal families. They all lived together, men would go in a field to work on their land, women would do the jobs around home. Kids care was just a bunch of kids put in the corner of the room and separated by obstacle, playing amongst themselves like in kindergarden. They all looked the same as both boys and girls just wore a big oversized shirts that looked like a skirts on them, and would be very lucky if mothers even take them in arms. Only later when "nuclear family"(just parents and kids) became more of a thing, there was a bigger emphasis on child care at all. In early 20th century there simply wasnt that much care or even bonding with kids at all. Partially because sadly kids wouldnt live that much at all due to medicine not being that advanced, but more because kids werent looked at like we look at kids today as in somebody in constant need, nore did they have time for them to dedicate to kids at all.

Sorry to digress, just thought it was interesting to mention lol

No Kwothe! This is very interesting! 
 

I took social history at college too! It’s one of the things I would have carried on if I’d chosen to go to university! I always find it fascinating, that children would often leave the home to go work or study further at around 7. Girls stayed on longer. Many children were home educated, either by their parents or a governess if wealthy. I remember reading an extract from a historic Georgian account. Women often would secretly wish for daughters, even if sons were higher valued, as daughters could help with house chores and other children, and didn’t leave so young. I remember this lady lamenting she wished for a “companion” meaning, daughters became friends. It was a lovely piece of history, this ladies diary. It’s endlessly fascinating. They loved their children just the same as us, the attitudes to raising them just differed. I always remember reading pink, until fairly recently, was always a boys colour, as it was classed as “a strong, vibrant colour!” 
 

I think it’s very worth while to look back in history when as a modern parent you start beating yourself up over every single minor thing you did or didn’t do - if you are a perfectionist, or adores your children, it’s so easy to do. You just go to bed each night thinking “but I could have done even better”. It’s not healthy. Your children want you relaxed and in a good, fun mood. They want “easy going friendly company” as one old school parenting book put it! 
 

My eldest son didn’t even talk until he was three and a half. I got told he needed to see a long list of specialists and that I obviously didn’t engage him enough, that he wasn’t socialised enough. I did more than most of any mums I knew, but it made me doubt myself terribly, and start to compare. Now only a few days ago, as a 4 year old, we were in a book shop and a little excitable doggie was jumping up at him and knocking things over and he turned up to me and said, “That dog is being boisterous Mam!” Two old ladies overheard and looked taken aback. “What an amazing use of the word boisterous! How old is he?!” They were impressed. And he’s only been speaking a year and a half! HA! He’s got a better vocabulary than most adults I know! 
 

I say this because you will hear all sorts about what you should be doing and how’s best to do it. Follow your own instincts. Parents know more than they think! No one knows your child like you! 
 

Parents - you do your best, you love your children, bit of tv, bit of phone time now and then, doing something just for you - it’s fine. You need to work together as a team, I agree with others, if you’re not happy with the current situation your husband needs to chip in and happily as well, not full of resentment or thinking “that’s your job”!

 

x

[smackie9]

 

I tell you it's important you interact and play with your child. I never got that. All my memories is my mother worrying about how the house looked, the soaps she watched while ironing, and talking on the phone chain smoking. It sucked because it was lonely, and a total emotional detachment.

You both as parents need to sit down like adults and come up with a compromise. He needs to spend quality time with the child, like bath time, and bedtime. It would be like an hour of his time.

I get it we all need some personal time BUT too much personal time means emotional disconnect, and that's a dangerous road to go down. Him going into his man cave for 4 hours is a sign of big trouble in your relationship. That's avoidance/escapism. Things need to change, you need to step up.

[mylolita]

33 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Part of why I learned to read so young was watching Sesame Street and Electric Company.  I also had TV on and made sure it wasn't scary/inappropriate.  You are right - parents had TV, radio, etc.  My sister "wore" her babies/toddlers constantly while she did her cooking and cleaning because they liked it and I'm sure she didn't talk to them nonstop.  My son was so active that I couldn't have done that.  

I wore all of mine too Batya until they were about 7 months. It was handy for breastfeeding because you could nurse them whilst still doing something like cooking or light cleaning! 
 

Everyone does things differently. If you have what’s best for your baby or child in mind, you can’t go too far wrong. 
 

Last year we were moving around all over the place and the kids and me all got sick for about 2 weeks. I remember I went through a really weirdly nice phase of putting Judge Judy on for 40 minutes while they had a nap during the day. I would bring them down after a few hours and go to turn it off and my son would say, “Mam! That lady! What is she doing? She seems very stern!” And I would explain what a judge does, and that she is in a place called court, and explain it in a simple way, and he ended up saying “Mam! Your judge is on! Ooooo Judy! That hammer is coming down!” Hahahaha 

 

x

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, liz22 said:

.  He (my husband) on the other hand spends little time with our toddler.  He goes to work and then spends about 4 hours in his man cave garage after work before coming in.  

Sorry this is happening. It's important to differentiate between whether his objection is your phone use or whether he simply thinks parenting is "women's work" and therefore treats you like hired help.

Stop talking to him about your downtime or defending yourself. You're feeding into his nonsense.

This seems like he wants you under his thumb.

This basically has nothing to do with parenting and everything to do with a power struggle where he's the boss and your the help. He's not being a partner if he treats you like a nanny who is taking too many coffee breaks .

[Batya33]

I think - maybe I said this already - the thing with phone use is it’s so all engrossing. So you’re not going to be in tune with your baby or toddler the way you likely would be if let’s say you’re sitting on the sofa while he plays and folding clean laundry.  Even if the news is on in the background.  Before my baby crawled I’d put him on the playmat with the kick board that played music when he kicked.  Sometimes I’d sit there while talking to my mom on the phone. But I so often was narrating what he was doing while watching him. No I was not 100% interacting but I was a foot away or closer and the person I was talking to wanted to know all the details.  
If I sat in the glider reading a book while he studied the various animal pictures on his playmat it was natural for me to look at him or up every minute or so.  But if I’d been on my phone - likely not. You have to know yourself. It’s also perfectly fine to put your child safely in the kitchen while you cook or clean and engage him with what you’re doing.
 I’d have my son help me put clothes in the dryer and label them. “Ok here come …. Daddy’s pants” then he’d have to fling the pants in the dryer.  Applause.  When he learned to speak he would repeat the name of the clothing.  

if you’re on your phone you’re more likely to miss the opportunity to see what he’s looking at or exploring. Or miss the opportunity for the give and take eye contact. You might look up from a book if he makes a noise but if you’re engrossed in social media you’re more likely to murmur “yes outside “ without looking at what he’s looking at.
 

 

[boltnrun]

I actually don't find my phone all engrossing, any more than the TV or a book. The screen is so tiny. I don't watch videos on it for that reason, or try to view photos. And nothing on Facebook or Instagram is that enthralling to me. Everything on it is accessible at a later time, I don't absolutely HAVE to look at it that very second. I've only gotten completely distracted during a very boring work online meeting that I was required to attend even though none of the content pertained to anything I do. I've never been so into my phone that I missed noticing anything important.

I have seen people who are obsessed with their phones, however. Mostly young people who believe they can't put their phones down for a second because of FOMO (which, again, makes no sense because posts don't disappear just because you don't look at them immediately). They think they need to keep their "streaks" or whatever going for some reason I don't understand.

OP, do you get so engrossed in your phone that you don't pay attention to your child? What about your husband when he spends hours every day in his "man cave", is he interacting with you and your child during that time? 

[Batya33]

So for me if I see someone on their phone I find them less approachable than if they're paging through a magazine or looking at a book.  I notice how engrossed people are in their phones -they're crossing streets while texting, etc.  I can get caught up especially if I get a detailed personal email or text or work email or text.  When I see nannies/sitters on their phones they are glued - they would not notice if the child needed something or had wandered away.  By contrast if they are talking to someone in person it's far more likely for them to be looking around to find the child or if the child comes over to stop talking and engage with the child. My child notices when I'm on my phone and does not when I'm reading a book as far as knowing whether I'm "with" him.