First time pursuing a relationship, any advice for my situation?

[Big-Fennel3632]

I will try to give as much detail as possible for the situation I am in as I know that may help people when trying to give advice.

I am 24 (M) and so far in my life I have just tried to focus on myself, my studies, my career. I felt a few months ago that I am now in a comfortable position and its now time to pursue a relationship.

For years there has always been this person that I have had feelings for 23 (F), I have known and been friends with her for almost 15 years. We grew up together, went to school together and even worked together at one point a few years back. When we were working together we got closer as friends, either talking or texting everyday. Just before all the lockdowns and restrictions happened in 2020 for the Covid situation the company we worked for was sold and a large amount of the staff including me and her left our jobs.

I ended up losing contact with her as she moved away to a different town to be with her family, I was also dealing with health issues at the time. Over the last 2.5 years I regreted losing contact with her as I felt we had a good connection and its worth giving it a go to try for something.

I decided to find her again on social media and message her and it we instantly hit it off. For the last 3 weeks we have been either texting, snapchatting or in calls, I have also driven out of town twice to hangout with her.

Now there is a huge issue that has totally stumped.. I came into this with the goal of reconnecting and letting her know I have feelings for her. But due to what I am going to explain, I have no idea what to do now..

Since we reconnected, she has been catching me up on everything that has happened over the last 2.5 years and well she has been through alot. She has been in a relationship in which she endured some physical abuse which is now being dealt with in court. She then went into a relationship with another guy that was more mentally abusive, making her feel worthless and has dropped her self esteem. She has also lost close family members recently aswell along with relationships with her family being fractured at the moment.

All of this has left her in quite a vunerable and lonley state, she told me that she is in a healing process and is going to therapy to deal with all of this and has been keeping me updated. The therapist has suggested her not dating for a while until as it could lead her back into something abusive.

She also mentioned to me that she has experienced alot of love-boming int the past from these types of men and that its not a good sign so I have decided to stop texting her everyday and trying to be help fix any issues she is having because I know everyone needs space and I dont want her to feel uncomfortable.

Now learning all of this has put me in an tricky situation, I dont want to be selfish and disrespectful by telling her how I feel about her while she is in this situation. But am also worried that I either miss my chance or lose contact again.

I also know I am in the friend-zone, but that does not faze me as I have been in the friend-zone for so many years because until now I have never intended on letting her know my true feelings towards her.

If anyone has any advice on what I should do, it would be appreciated.

Next time we hang out should I let her know how I feel about her and tell her that when she is feeling up to it and getting herself back out there I would like the opportunity to date her?

Or should I continue doing what I am doing and be there for her and hold off on telling her?

Thanks.

[smackie9]

Wow she's very broken for sure BUT you shouldn't get too involved in her healing process. If you do it's called White Knight Syndrome. That will get you nowhere. Suggest to her she get professional counseling. Seeking out a man or men to help heal is a bad habit, and won't help with her self esteem at all. 

As for your feelings, don't tell her, it will only get weird. You share feelings when you are in a relationship.

You need to go through the steps of first asking for a date. Right there she knows you like her romantically. This will give her the opportunity to either accept or decline your advances. That's how it works irl. 

[Batya33]

"When you feel ready to date I'd love to take you out on a date."

[Kwothe28]

You are friendzoned. And no matter what they tell you in movies, no, friendzoned guys dont get the girls. You have to understand that to her, you are not a dating prospect. You are like a brother to her. Which makes any of your romantic advancements to her impossible due to the fact that she cant see you together. She wont sleep with her brother (well except if she is from Alabama lol), she will sleep with the man. Somebody who she will see as a dating prospect. Somebody that would make her heart tingle. And I am sorry to say, from all you are saying, you are not that. You are somebody that she tells about the past relationship and traumas. Somebody who she will turn on when she needs advice about some other man. If you are a dating prospect, she would have been on her best behavior and not even mentioning other guys and try to present herself in the best light possible. But unfortunately, she doesnt care about you in that way to do that. 

Also, you are not ready for the relationship. You think you are. But instead of maybe starting to go out and meet somebody new, you turned on to a person who you know the most. Who is far away, who has past trauma from relationships where she jumps from one abuser to the other, who friendzoned you. Who is in a no way dating prospect for you. When you are ready for the relationship you would avoid that kind of situations. Because they lead nowhere and only bring you pain. But you are determined to go through that pain. Even though you admit you are friendzoned. 

Walk away. Try to meet some new women. Try to date those women. Because maybe they would not treat you as a crying towel. But as a man. Because this one doesnt do that. And I am afraid she never will.

 

[Big-Fennel3632]

Thank you all for taking the time out of your day to read into my situation and for offering advice.@smackie9 @Batya33 @Kwothe28

I would be lying if I said I hadn't already thought about what @Kwothe28 said, but I also feel it is easier to live with failure than to live with regret. If I was to give up without trying with her then I fear it may always be in the back of my mind. There is a very good chance I will come back to this and say well @Kwothe28 did warn you but you live and you learn I guess. Maybe I am not ready for a relationship but this is definetly a good starting point for me to learn as I am either going to feel disappointed or get lucky. Thank you 🙏

What you @smackie9 said about trying to help fix her problems is so true. It is not my place and will indeed get me nowhere, so I am backing right off from that. I also acknowledge your point of going through the right steps before telling her how I feel. She did ask me the other day when I was with her if Id be up for going out for a coffee or food when I am off work.

Would it be to forward to ask her out on a date at the moment as we have only been back in contact for a few weeks and she obviously needs space and time to heal? Thank you 🙏

[reinventmyself]

You've been friends for this long.  Would it hurt to continue being her friend for the time being?

She isn't ready to date, yet you want to know if you should ask her out on a date?  I suppose you could but if you were to weigh your two options, pursuing this seems a little too risky.

Besides, you should want someone who is relationship ready.  Not someone who is working on herself and recovering from abusive relationships.  

[Big-Fennel3632]

@reinventmyself

Thanks for the advice. 🙏

[Tinydance]

Have you always had feelings for this girl? Or at least for a few years? The reason why I'm asking is because you mentioned that recently you've decided you'd like to be in a relationship so you thought of her. I know you've always had a good connection and friendship with her but was there a reason why you never asked her out before?

One of my male friends used to be really shy and he really wanted a girlfriend. At the time he told me that he'd asked out basically all his female friends. Which to me sounded like he just really wanted to be with *someone* and he didn't know many women, so that's why he was asking out his friends. I actually had one of my other male friends ask me out for exactly the same reason, which he admitted later lol

If you do actually really like this girl and have real feelings for her, I think just ask her out. To be honest you'd be in the friendzone even more if you did nothing now and she just started dating other guys or lost touch with you again. I'm the type of person that would rather have a straight answer and move on if I get rejected. I usually find it hard to move on unless I actually get an answer and get closure. I know the timing isn't very good but if she starts dating someone else again then it would be too late.

[Tinydance]

On 12/31/2022 at 12:21 PM, Big-Fennel3632 said:

Thank you all for taking the time out of your day to read into my situation and for offering advice.@smackie9 @Batya33 @Kwothe28

I would be lying if I said I hadn't already thought about what @Kwothe28 said, but I also feel it is easier to live with failure than to live with regret. If I was to give up without trying with her then I fear it may always be in the back of my mind. There is a very good chance I will come back to this and say well @Kwothe28 did warn you but you live and you learn I guess. Maybe I am not ready for a relationship but this is definetly a good starting point for me to learn as I am either going to feel disappointed or get lucky. Thank you 🙏

What you @smackie9 said about trying to help fix her problems is so true. It is not my place and will indeed get me nowhere, so I am backing right off from that. I also acknowledge your point of going through the right steps before telling her how I feel. She did ask me the other day when I was with her if Id be up for going out for a coffee or food when I am off work.

Would it be to forward to ask her out on a date at the moment as we have only been back in contact for a few weeks and she obviously needs space and time to heal? Thank you 🙏

Well why don't you just go out for food and/or coffee like she suggested? I mean, at least you know she wants to spend time with you. I think you should catch up with her first and see how it goes.

[Big-Fennel3632]

Thank you for your response. @Tinydance

Yes I have always had feelings for her but growing up from a young age, my dad was quite strict with me and my sibilings about relationships while in school and that we should focus on our grades and careers, so that is why I never tried with her during our years at school.

She was in a long term relationship aswell from 16-20 years old, that relationship ended towards the end of us working together but I never pursued because she just got out of a 4 year relationship and I got into my own head with fear of being a rebound.

In terms of me recently deciding I want a relationship, its more the fact that I have felt lonley and also gotten comfortable with being lonley thats the issue. This is me now trying to break out of that comfort zone.

In the past towards the end and after my time at school I did date a few girls from my classes, been rejected also a few times ( so I am not stranger to that ). Even when I am out in the clubs I get approached and have a good time but after the night over I never feel the urge to purse anything with them. I am quite shy in that regard, maybe thats why I was more comfortable dating people I knew from classes back in the day.

You are right, though the timing isnt the best I will keep trying to progress things, see how its goes and try and get a straight answer.

She was alone on Christmas day so after I was done with my family I drove out and surprised her with some company. We chilled out, talked and watched TV and before I left to go home at 3am ( I stay 1 hour away ) we had a hug and said she appreciated me coming to give her company.

Since then like I mentioned in the previous post, I decided to stop speaking with her everyday as I dont want to come across as needy, we have just been chatting every few days this past week including this morning as we are trying to figure out a day to meet up.

[waffle]

3 minutes ago, Big-Fennel3632 said:

fear

And there it is.  😐

[Big-Fennel3632]

2 minutes ago, waffle said:

And there it is.  😐

Would you mind elaborating? 😅

[waffle]

On 12/30/2022 at 8:21 PM, Big-Fennel3632 said:

I would be lying if I said I hadn't already thought about what @Kwothe28 said, but I also feel it is easier to live with failure than to live with regret. If I was to give up without trying with her then I fear it may always be in the back of my mind. There is a very good chance I will come back to this and say well @Kwothe28 did warn you but you live and you learn I guess. Maybe I am not ready for a relationship but this is definetly a good starting point for me to learn as I am either going to feel disappointed or get lucky. Thank you 🙏

You know what?  I like this.  Your whole paragraph but particularly the bolded.  You show a maturity beyond your years and a resilience that will take you far.  

[waffle]

Just now, Big-Fennel3632 said:

Would you mind elaborating? 😅

Sure.

Every time I've ever heard (or read, here) of a person not "going for it" and look for the reasons why, I always scan for the word Fear.  And it is there 100% of the time.

This is not a criticism, by the way.  I've already said I admire your attitude towards this.

[waffle]

On 12/30/2022 at 12:17 PM, Batya33 said:

"When you feel ready to date I'd love to take you out on a date."

Big-Fennel, if I were you I'd try the above approach.  It's short, simple, and doesn't put her on the spot or pressure her for any kind of immediate answer.  You will have made your intentions clear, and she has some time to consider it.

I'd do it in person rather than over text or even over the phone.  But that's just me.

[Big-Fennel3632]

2 minutes ago, waffle said:

Sure.

Every time I've ever heard (or read, here) of a person not "going for it" and look for the reasons why, I always scan for the word Fear.  And it is there 100% of the time.

This is not a criticism, by the way.  I've already said I admire your attitude towards this.

5 minutes ago, waffle said:

You know what?  I like this.  Your whole paragraph but particularly the bolded.  You show a maturity beyond your years and a resilience that will take you far.  

Thank you @waffle I appreciate it.

Even though you were not criticising I do enjoy hearing other peoples opinions on situations, good or bad. I believe it is very beneficial in life to always try and improve and criticism is great for that, whether its from self reflection or from others. 😄

Dating and Relationships have always stumped me.

But everything else I tend to put alot of effort into has worked out good for me so far in my life whether it be:

- Getting a degree in my chosen field.
- Buying real estate at 19 years old to rent out and continue building that into a business for the last 5 years.
- Pushing myself to take on responsibilties at a young age like paying rent, buying a car, always having money aside.

So I think if I keep working at it, ill get better with Dating and Relationships, just need a little bit of paitence, I am only 24 years old. Even if this situation does not work out how I intend, at least ill learn something for the next one.

1 minute ago, waffle said:

Big-Fennel, if I were you I'd try the above approach.  It's short, simple, and doesn't put her on the spot or pressure her for any kind of immediate answer.  You will have made your intentions clear, and she has some time to consider it.

I'd do it in person rather than over text or even over the phone.  But that's just me.

Yes, I think I will try this approach after we meet up a few more times. I would like to take her out, treat her and try and give her a good time.

Like you said it is a good approach because it does not put immediate pressure on her and gives me a bit of relief that I got it off my chest.

Thanks again. 🙏

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Big-Fennel3632 said:

Getting a degree in my chosen field.
- Buying real estate at 19 years old to rent out and continue building that into a business for the last 5 years.
- Pushing myself to take on responsibilties at a young age like paying rent, buying a car, always having money aside.

Yes- also be mindful dating is a bit different because the heart is more involved and it's less in your control than career/college.  I was always so baffled by certain people I came across who described finding a mate as part of the list of "go to college/move out/get a job/meet someone and get married/have kids" -- I too did very well at the education/career/move out thing  -but becoming the right person to find the right person and not getting in my own way plus the luck/timing aspects - whole other thing IMO.

[Big-Fennel3632]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes- also be mindful dating is a bit different because the heart is more involved and it's less in your control than career/college.  I was always so baffled by certain people I came across who described finding a mate as part of the list of "go to college/move out/get a job/meet someone and get married/have kids" -- I too did very well at the education/career/move out thing  -but becoming the right person to find the right person and not getting in my own way plus the luck/timing aspects - whole other thing IMO.

@Batya33 Yes I agree with you, that is probably why I have always been so stumped. 😅

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Big-Fennel3632 said:

@Batya33 Yes I agree with you, that is probably why I have always been so stumped. 😅

I meant the issue is you're comparing apples and oranges.  Some of my ambitious mindset, drive, and people skills helped me a lot in dating -the persevearance and persistence part - but the skills needed in dating to  find a relationship have little to do with skills in career/academic success.  No reason to be "stumped" -it's simply practicing the skills and also developing a thick skin. Also consider whether you want someone who matches you as far as work ethic/educational values/drive - I did.

[Big-Fennel3632]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I meant the issue is you're comparing apples and oranges.  Some of my ambitious mindset, drive, and people skills helped me a lot in dating -the persevearance and persistence part - but the skills needed in dating to  find a relationship have little to do with skills in career/academic success.  No reason to be "stumped" -it's simply practicing the skills and also developing a thick skin.

Ah, I see where you are coming from..

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Also consider whether you want someone who matches you as far as work ethic/educational values/drive - I did.

It is definetly something worth considering, but as it stands at the moment If I feel I am happy with someone and they are happy with me, thats great.

Thanks again for reaching out. 🙏

[Batya33]

31 minutes ago, Big-Fennel3632 said:

It is definetly something worth considering, but as it stands at the moment If I feel I am happy with someone and they are happy with me, thats great.

Thanks again for reaching ou

That's a bit circular.  I think it's important to know in your own mind what you are looking for in a partner because if you don't know there's little chance you'll be "happy" with the person -someone being happy with you is not enough for you to be happy with the person. 

For example you might be happy with someone who didn't pursue a post-high school degree, someone who has a job but it's just a job and isn't career/professionally oriented -but would you be happy with a woman who doesn't ever want a child? Who wants you and she to live in the basement of her parents' home? Who never wants to take a vacation that involves a plane trip? Would you be happy with a woman who you and she to convert to another religion or who doesn't want to raise a family with any religious background?

"Happy" is vague and happy in a marriage or relationship often results in part from having common values and goals.  

[Big-Fennel3632]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

"Happy" is vague and happy in a marriage or relationship often results in part from having common values and goals.  

You make great points there. @Batya33

I will keep this in mind moving forward.

Thank you.

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, Big-Fennel3632 said:

She was alone on Christmas day so after I was done with my family I drove out and surprised her with some company. We chilled out, talked and watched TV and before I left to go home at 3am ( I stay 1 hour away ) we had a hug and said she appreciated me coming to give her company.

 

Peak friendzone behavior.

On 12/31/2022 at 2:21 AM, Big-Fennel3632 said:

I would be lying if I said I hadn't already thought about what @Kwothe28 said, but I also feel it is easier to live with failure than to live with regret. If I was to give up without trying with her then I fear it may always be in the back of my mind.

Look, I am not against you trying. Heck, I always say that its better to try if you really want to try then to regret that later down the line. I alone regreted one such situation where I didnt try and still do regret sometimes. But I am also going to tell you something women here just wont. You wont get the woman by behaving like you do. Like an average simp that at a mere thought of her saying how she was alone at Christmas, jumps into car and goes to her. That tells her that you would do anything to please her. And even though you maybe think that is a good thing, trust me, it isnt. That means that she can do anything she wants and you would still orbit around. She needs a man. Somebody with developed life that would do his own thing. Somebody who would have, for example, Christmas party. Where she could worry that you wont be alone and that she missed an opportunity. And not you who would hop around whenever she says "jump". Its not appealing to women. As one of my friends says "You have to be there, but simultaneously not be there". She has to see you as a "potential" where she would be lucky to be with. Because if she doesnt, maybe some other woman will and then she would miss an opportunity. And not as a lapdog who would run to her at command.

I am not saying all this to discourage you. No matter what people think, my advices are always from a good side. I am telling you this so you maybe fix some of your behaviors. For this woman, or perhaps some next one. Because what you do is not appealing to her. She has to see you as a "boyfriend material". Not as a friend. 

 

[Big-Fennel3632]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I am not saying all this to discourage you. No matter what people think, my advices are always from a good side. I am telling you this so you maybe fix some of your behaviors. For this woman, or perhaps some next one. Because what you do is not appealing to her. She has to see you as a "boyfriend material". Not as a friend.

Absolutely, I don't think you @Kwothe28 are coming from a bad place at all and I feel like I can take some good lessons from the advice you have given.

Now please correct me if I am wrong but what I have taken from what you have said is that alot women find "High Value Men" that know their worth more appealing and that I should strive to value myself more instead of pandering because it does not achieve much.

If that is in fact what you are advising, I can't really disagree with that point.

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

But I am also going to tell you something women here just wont. You wont get the woman by behaving like you do. Like an average simp that at a mere thought of her saying how she was alone at Christmas, jumps into car and goes to her. That tells her that you would do anything to please her.

The reasoning behind me going out to her that night was..

We have only been back in contact and talking reguarly for a few weeks, If I make a little bit of effort to go out, it could help me in the long run. So when I do start making advancements towards her, it may be in the back of her mind that I have been there and have made effort.

Like you say that may have been a bad approach, I guess time will tell. It could be alot worse 🤣 I could have went full blown "simp mode" and bought her gifts, gave her money, etc but I am not stupid. I respect myself enough to not get caught up in that type of behaviour. All I did was put a little bit of effort in, in the hopes that it could help me down the line.

Thanks again for the advice.

[Batya33]

Why in the world would you give her money? Did she ask you for money?