First time pursuing a relationship, any advice for my situation?

[Big-Fennel3632]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why in the world would you give her money? Did she ask you for money?

No I never gave her money, nor did she ask for it.

I was just using it as an example that some men that are pursuing women, give them gifts and money to try and win them over.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Big-Fennel3632 said:

No I never gave her money, nor did she ask for it.

I was just using it as an example that some men that are pursuing women, give them gifts and money to try and win them over.

Some people do that -not men and women I know. I wouldn't think that would be a good approach unless the person is looking for arm candy or a sexual arrangement. And a woman who would go for that - says a lot about her values and not a lot of good stuff.  My husband courted me -he took me out nicely, planned dates in advance, insisted on paying.  He didn't "win me over" - we were interested in each other.

[Big-Fennel3632]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Some people do that -not men and women I know. I wouldn't think that would be a good approach

Yeah it's a horrible approach...

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My husband courted me -he took me out nicely, planned dates in advance, insisted on paying.  He didn't "win me over" - we were interested in each other.

That's great, I intend to treat the woman that comes into my life the same way your husband did for you. 😄

[Batya33]

Just now, Big-Fennel3632 said:

Yeah it's a horrible approach...

That's great, I intend to treat the woman that comes into my life the same way your husband did for you. 😄

Sounds good! 

[reinventmyself]

Simply put, people tend to appreciate things that they have to work for.

If she's interested she will reciprocate.   If you do all the heavy lifting, especially when she's not ready, she isn't going to appreciate it.  Not in the way you are hoping for.

[Tinydance]

3 hours ago, Big-Fennel3632 said:

Absolutely, I don't think you @Kwothe28 are coming from a bad place at all and I feel like I can take some good lessons from the advice you have given.

Now please correct me if I am wrong but what I have taken from what you have said is that alot women find "High Value Men" that know their worth more appealing and that I should strive to value myself more instead of pandering because it does not achieve much.

If that is in fact what you are advising, I can't really disagree with that point.

The reasoning behind me going out to her that night was..

We have only been back in contact and talking reguarly for a few weeks, If I make a little bit of effort to go out, it could help me in the long run. So when I do start making advancements towards her, it may be in the back of her mind that I have been there and have made effort.

Like you say that may have been a bad approach, I guess time will tell. It could be alot worse 🤣 I could have went full blown "simp mode" and bought her gifts, gave her money, etc but I am not stupid. I respect myself enough to not get caught up in that type of behaviour. All I did was put a little bit of effort in, in the hopes that it could help me down the line.

Thanks again for the advice.

Well the thing is also that the guys that get the girls are often the confident, "Casanova" type guys. For example when people say that a guy is a player, they're usually talking about guys who are charming, flirt and hit on women. They're guys that just go for it and don't just stand back. I think that guys (and even women) who do nothing don't get anyone. 

[Wiseman2]

On 12/30/2022 at 8:59 AM, Big-Fennel3632 said:

  I dont want to be selfish and disrespectful by telling her how I feel about her while she is in this situation. 

It seems like you are not being honest with yourself or her. 

She's been quite clear that she's not ready, willing or able to date at this time.

While you like her, she's been clear in not wanting to date.(you or anyone else).

Positioning yourself as a friend and confidant while secretly pursuing the agenda of dating her, is not sincere and a disservice to both of you.

You could both get hurt or disappointed by this approach. You're on different wavelengths and that may not end well.

Step back. Even though you have your feelings and wish to date her right now she is not open to that.