Confusing end of a situationship

[Chaeryoung]

First of all, I kindly ask for an understanding approach and a dose of empathy for a young and  hopeless romantic woman who doesn't learn her lessons until she ends up really hurt. 

I (25F) have been dating this guy (27M) for three months. From the early beginning he gave me mixed signals, wasn't really sure what he was looking for, but we decided to go with the flow without the pressure to label the connection that is between us.

He let me know that he has attachment issues and is hard for him to open up in general, and also gave me a clue that he has a fear of relationships in general. My guess is that he has a fear of commitment and an avoidant attachment style. He has this fear that a relationship would take away his freedom. He also doesn't want to feel responsible for another person's feelings. I must say that I consider myself a very intuitive person, very perceptive of other people's needs and try to accommodate them to make them feel okay with me.

I decided to have patience, because this guy was really invested. Devoted time for , was loving towards me and I could feel from his gestures, looks, touches, everything, that he feels something for me. He tried to include me in his life, made a conscious effort to be consistent and to take care of my needs. We did so many things together in three months, and thinking about it in retrospective, it really hurts and seems surreal. 

Howeger, last Sunday, out of nowhere (actually, I think he felt that things are getting more serious) he told me that he feels we are going in different directions. He reiterated something that he told me previously, namely that he doesn't know what he wants or needs and that he is unsure of everything. He also told me that he would consult a psychologist because he think he seeks flaws in me in order to avoid attachment. (he knows and admitted that he has a problem, and decided to figure that out with the help of a psychologist before we had this discussion) so he went once and decided to go again and seek answers. What he told me, also really striking, is that this attachment thing is general, with all the people in his life. He doesn't know what he feels towards his family, his ex. It left me speechless nonetheless . He acted like a real boyfriend, like he cared, he conveyed something, and then he tells me that he didn't get that close to me. I told him that no matter how much I would love to keep seeing him, I cannot really solve what's inside of him. He spoke vaguely, he mentioned that he feels something is wrong, but doesn't know what. Our conversation was really long, but the main point is that he said that it's not fair on his part to keep me there if he doesn't know what he wants. 

You know the saying - pay attention to what people do, not to what they say, and this guy was always there, always making time for me, initiating, listening, being there. This is what shocked me. The discrepancy between his words and his actions. 

I packed my stuff, and before I left, I asked him how he felt with me. He said he felt at peace, unafraid of speaking anything, and all the positive stuff. When I was about to get out of his apartment I asked if this is what he thinks is the right thing to do and he nodded that yes while crying.

Now I am doubting myself. Should I have had more patience with him? I don't know anything at this point. Please help with some perspective

[Jaunty]

Unfortunately, this sounds fairly typical of how relationships often start off with a lot of promise and then just don't make it.

There are so many reasons and ways this can happen.  The fact is that most dating does NOT end up in a marriage or  a long term relationship of any kind. 

This guy WAS there, just like you describe him.  But he came to a fork in the road, for him, where it became clear (to him) that the two of you would not be continuing in life as a couple.

He's definitely sure about this.  If he were not, he wouldn't have stood by it when you were leaving.  

You having patience would not make a difference, as he already knew what he had to do for himself.

I'm sorry, it's very tough, as you clearly didn't see this coming.  

[Kwothe28]

57 minutes ago, Chaeryoung said:

You know the saying - pay attention to what people do, not to what they say

Unfortunately, you forgot another saying: When they say to you who they are, believe them.

57 minutes ago, Chaeryoung said:

He let me know that he has attachment issues and is hard for him to open up in general, and also gave me a clue that he has a fear of relationships in general.

He let you now that he is not a "relationship material". And you still insisted on staying. Your patience wasnt a problem here, its his inability to sustain a relationship. And you are not his therapist to fix that, you were his girlfriend. All you could do is to walk away from that mess. And you did just that. So, dont question this too much.

[smackie9]

Stop being a fixer, and you won't get hurt. Know your worth...you are better than this guy who made you jump through hoops, and then burned you. If this is a repeat pattern which I'm guessing this keeps happen to you, don't keep investing yourself to have a better outcome. You don't have to do this when you find a normal steady guy....steady guy=healthy happy relationship. Fix your picker instead. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Chaeryoung said:

  He spoke vaguely, he mentioned that he feels something is wrong, but doesn't know what. 

Unfortunately his dating style (stringing women along) comes with a lot of fine print and loopholes.

That means while charming, he was clear that playing the field is important to him. The only confusing part was all the psychobabble sugar coating he applied.

You dodged a bullet. Feel free to delete and block him and move forward to more sincere men.

When someone comes out of the gate "confused", cut your losses earlier.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Chaeryoung said:

try to accommodate them to make them feel okay with me.

This reads like you probably overlook too many red flags in the name of being empathetic. Be very careful not to accommodate such people to the detriment of your own needs and desires. 

1 hour ago, Chaeryoung said:

From the early beginning he gave me mixed signals, wasn't really sure what he was looking for

Run from guys like this. It's never a good sign. It doesn't matter if it's a psychological issue or an excuse because they're just not that into - they are to be avoided. 

1 hour ago, Chaeryoung said:

He let me know that he has attachment issues

Same goes for this. He warned you pretty clearly that he's not boyfriend material. This is not your cue to be more patient, but rather you need to keep moving and find someone who either doesn't have "attachment issues" or has resolved them and is capable of a healthy relationship. 

1 hour ago, Chaeryoung said:

Should I have had more patience with him?

No, because that wouldn't have changed anything. He knew from the beginning that he wasn't into this the same way you were. Patience can't fix that. 

I am sorry you're hurting. This is a tough lesson to learn. But when someone is telling you from the get-go that they have issues and are not good at relationships, you need to believe them and exit stage left. 

[Lambert]

Ending this is a blessing. Mourn it a bit but keep moving forward. you can do better. 

when someone let's go, you let go. there's no way you could do more.  It is on the other person, too.

It's words, it's actions, it's all the things.  It's the holidays. you should be enjoying your life and your loved ones.  Go be with your friends and family.  Keep posting here or replying to others with your advice and help.

 

[Jaunty]

13 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This reads like you probably overlook too many red flags in the name of being empathetic. 

This seems to happen a lot.  Overlooking important things in the name of empathy:  Well, even if you are a very understanding person and can get "why" a person is the way they are doesn't make their foibles any more tolerable in a relationship.

On a similar note, people often overlook things that they are being told outright  because their "intuition" or "spidey senses;" whatever, tell them differently.  

This guy both demonstrated AND outright vocalized things to you about where he was ... and these things were not conducive to a successful relationship with him.

[DarkCh0c0]

There's nothing confusing really here. He told you clearly from the beginning who he was and that he was not ready to be in a relationship. He also gave you mixed signals which were a red sign that he wasn't that into you.  Yet, you chose to dive into this relationship while ignoring all these red flags. You even ignored his own words. And then what you ignored came back at you and he broke up with you.

I'm sorry it's like this. Next time you date someone, don't wait around to see how red is their red flag. Just leave at the first sight of a red flag. Healthy relationships do NOT have red flags, mixed signals, ect. Healthy relationships feel assuring, consistent and stable. You don't deserve any less than that 💚

[Andrina]

Mixed signals and a litany of excuses was your signal to exit, no matter how attractive he is and no matter what other positive things he's bringing. Guys like this keep their conscience clear because they've given the warning. In their minds, "See, I told you so. You signed up for this mess, and you couldn't figure out it would soon end, and not well?"

And as soon as the next level, becoming more serious should be happening (at the 3 or 4 month mark), they bail.

That sort of man appears time and again from mourning women on this forum. It's like they've all been baked from the same mold.

You're going to have to understand that everyone has flaws, but for the dating world, there are some you should let slide and others that should be dealbreakers. His flaws were dealbreakers so write them on your list for dealbreakers moving forward.

There's also a difference between being nice and being a doormat. You can be nice without being a doormat. They don't go hand in hand. Always be nice to yourself and that will have you avoiding being a doormat, because your needs have to be met for you to enter and stay in a relationship.

I highly doubt he even saw a psychologist, because you can't snap your fingers and get an appointment ASAP. From what I know, most are booked 3 or 4 months out and it can even be hard finding one who accepts new patients.

The good thing is you only wasted 90 days on the user. He got what he wanted--intimacy without commitment. Maybe wait longer to get to know a guy before being intimate, since most users don't have the patience to wait around for their sole goal. Take care.

[Batya33]

I agree with the others especially Miss Canuck. Be careful about labeling yourself as intuitive and empathetic about others. Instead practice those qualities on yourself.
You lied to yourself. You didn’t show you cared about yourself.  You don’t need intuition when a person tells you who he is.  When that happens show empathy to yourself and walk away.

Date people not projects.  Did he pay you for your time he mused and got into the weeds about his interactions with friends and family and the Uber eats delivery guy?  Don’t be his sounding board in the name of “empathy “ - all of that is just psychobabble.  

Don’t lie to yourself that labels put pressure - huh?  People who want to be together are excited when the time comes to introduce each other as girlfriend or boyfriend or partner. if it puts pressure it means it’s wrong. Sure you don’t need to talk about intentions on early dates.  

But if you’re adults with the goal generally of something long term then I’d say after a month or two of dating adults looking for potentially serious relationships want to talk about intentions and are excited to do so. It’s not just a label.  And you know that.  

It’s supposed to feel freeing - to confirm you’re on the same page as someone is freeing ! It’s exciting !  Don’t lie to yourself to rationalize hanging out with someone whose not that into you.  And who wants to keep his options open.  

It’s a funny thing - many people who fear serious relationships often get over that fear super fast when they meet someone special. Hmmmm.  
when you meet the right person you won’t need intuition or psycho speak or having to analyze and reassure the person that you don’t bite - that person will make his interest simple and clear.  And be thrilled to have you in his arms and on his arm as his significant other.  Don’t settle for less. 

[sunday_luthier]

Ok, so maybe it is psychobabble, but I think he's got a dismissive attachment style.

He's under the impression that by commiting himself to a relationship, he's losing his freedom.

He behaves like true boyfriend material, and is probably super available and helpful and caring, but doesn't necessarily expect you to care for him the way he cares for you, as it would mean that he is not as independent as he wants you to believe he is.

Having a dismissive attachment style is not an "issue".   It's a type of attachment style that can be dealt with.  

If this is the case ( and I don't want to give false hope or anything), he will come to realize that he misses you.  

I think you should respect his request for space, but if he comes back towards you, and if YOU want to pursue this relationship (and it would certainly be understandable if you didn't), it would probably reassure him if you did it very casually, and by insisting you're okay with things going very slowly.

Assuming this would be acceptable to you, of course.

[Batya33]

I would assume he's not that into her and/or not available for a relationship. Which he told her from the beginning.  Not sure why the label or potential diagnosis matters.  If he returns and says he chooses her over his fears and wants to be with her that's great.  If he wants to take things slow and see her once a week and they can both see other people then she might want to do that - but I wouldn't do a "take things slow" which to him would still mean he's not available and/or not that into her.  IMO

[remerz]

This is so heartbreaking 💔. I’m sorry. It is so painful when the other party knows that they love you and yet they just can’t seem to give you what you need.
 

The best thing you can do for your future relationships is to establish what you want from the beginning and ensure you’re both on the same page. Think about it, you’d want your values, beliefs, family lives and personalities to align, why not the most fundamental thing which is your futures and-hopefully- marriage? Start having the important talks a few weeks into the dating phase and see how serious he is. Even if the beginning is a bit unclear, you’ll know if it’s just a bit of patience is needed or if you truly can’t continue the path you’re going on. Best of luck ✨ 

[sunday_luthier]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I would assume he's not that into her and/or not available for a relationship. Which he told her from the beginning.  Not sure why the label or potential diagnosis matters.  If he returns and says he chooses her over his fears and wants to be with her that's great.  If he wants to take things slow and see her once a week and they can both see other people then she might want to do that - but I wouldn't do a "take things slow" which to him would still mean he's not available and/or not that into her.  IMO

I don't think that wanting a relationship and wanting freedom are incompatible, and freedom doesn't mean he wants to look elsewhere and see other people.

He might simply be someone who cherishes and needs his alone time.

That doesn't mean he is not invested in the relationship, but it does mean that marriage and talking about a future together will freak him out. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

I don't think that wanting a relationship and wanting freedom are incompatible, and freedom doesn't mean he wants to look elsewhere and see other people.

He might simply be someone who cherishes and needs his alone time.

That doesn't mean he is not invested in the relationship, but it does mean that marriage and talking about a future together will freak him out. 

Thanks for sharing. In this situation I respectfully disagree and I respect your perspective and opinion!