What do you think will happen in this situation?

[Kwothe28]

3 minutes ago, Feeling_bad said:

But being alone isn't preferable to me. I want a relationship. I want to settle down and get married again (maybe not to him), I've been alone for a long time and I'm tired of it.

And that is precisely why you will get this kind of men. Your fear and insecurities are not the reason to settle for anyone. Even somebody whho would treat you badly like this guy. You are allowing him to be like that. Remember that next time when he ignores you.

[Feeling_bad]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But he will meet a reasonably confident woman who knocks his socks off and often those men shape up and step up to the plate so that the reasonably confident woman won't kick em to the curb.  And that will hurt you more than now I think.  Don't you agree?

Yes, I do agree and that would kill me. Can I be that confident woman to him, or is it too late for that? If not, how do I do that? Isn't telling him that if he does that again, and he did last night, that i would break up with him if he did it again, not being confident?

[Feeling_bad]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you really think he has no idea how desperate you are to hold onto him? He knows.

Prove him wrong. Teach your daughter what a strong woman with healthy self esteem does when a man treats her poorly. 

I told him I wouldn't tolerate his behavior anymore. I know he knows. But is there any way to change that so he may consider coming back and treating me better? I want my daughter to see me as a strong woman. I just don't know how to do that

[Feeling_bad]

Do any of you think he'll speak to me again? I'm asking that seriously. It worries me that he hasn't said anything at all to me. Even when we've fought before or had a hard time, he talked to me. This time he's saying nothing. Why?

[boltnrun]

11 minutes ago, Feeling_bad said:

Do any of you think he'll speak to me again? I'm asking that seriously. It worries me that he hasn't said anything at all to me. Even when we've fought before or had a hard time, he talked to me. This time he's saying nothing. Why?

Because he knows you'll keep begging and chasing him like you always do. He has complete confidence that you are so hung up on him and so desperate to have a man he doesn't have to do anything but sit back and wait for you to crawl to him.

I'm willing to bet you have either messaged him again already or you plan to because you just can't stand it. Your anxiety is so overwhelming and you think the only way to relieve it is to get him to speak to you again. But he is the CAUSE of your anxiety, not the cure for it.

Please step away and just let this go for now. Have a nice holiday season with your daughter. Deal with him later if you must, but for now let it go. Play a game or watch a movie with your daughter. Enjoy her.

[LootieTootie]

Feeling_Bad, I think it's always terrible to break up during the holidays so I empathize. 

But you are a middle-aged woman with a 20-year old insecurities that's just eating you alive and the person who has front-row seat to see this self-sabotage is the person you love the most, your daughter. Poor kid.

The problem isn't him, or being alone. The problem is you. You need to really focus on dating you. Treat yourself how you would like to be treated. Show your daughter that you can be a strong woman without needing a man or a coward to validate you. Show her the way to be strong and independent. Doing this, you will also attract a lot of men who see value in you and won't take you for granted.

 

[Jaunty]

55 minutes ago, Feeling_bad said:

Do any of you think he'll speak to me again? I'm asking that seriously. It worries me that he hasn't said anything at all to me. Even when we've fought before or had a hard time, he talked to me. This time he's saying nothing. Why?

I don't know, but this whole story tells me that this is a particularly bad person.  NO ONE who is even decent would behave like this towards a person they'd cared about even a small amount.  He is hurting you on purpose.  There is NO WAY that going forward with this man after this experience would be anything but self destructive for you.  I'm sorry.

[Feeling_bad]

47 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

'm willing to bet you have either messaged him again already or you plan to because you just can't stand it.

No, I have not messaged him anything since my message this morning asking him to come over. Part of me says it's just best to leave him alone right now. That's why I'm not texting him

[Feeling_bad]

14 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

He is hurting you on purpose

But why? When I've been so good to him. I never treated him badly.

[catfeeder]

Just now, Jaunty said:

He is hurting you on purpose.

Unfortunately, I agree. This guy wanted out of the relationship, and he's a coward. Instead of breaking up responsibly, he just mistreated you to force you to do the deed.

He was able to get out of this with barely a grunt.

OP, you're 44, not 84. I hope you'll reach for your best dignity and the resilience to craft a new year strategy to find a better man.

Head high.

[Feeling_bad]

2 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

This guy wanted out of the relationship, and he's a coward. Instead of breaking up responsibly, he just mistreated you to force you to do the deed.

Well, I wondered about that. I asked him about it. I told him last night after the breakup message I said to him that I think he wanted to break up, but couldn't do it himself, and that's why he treated me this way. He responded to me saying, "Stop it (my name). That's also when he said he was going through a lot of mental like things right now.

[boltnrun]

8 minutes ago, Feeling_bad said:

But why? When I've been so good to him. I never treated him badly.

You showed him clearly that he can do anything and you'll stay and take it. That does not inspire respect and with no respect there can be no love. 

Please just focus on your daughter. I'm sure she's an amazing child who loves you dearly.

[boltnrun]

Just now, Feeling_bad said:

Well, I wondered about that. I asked him about it. I told him last night after the breakup message I said to him that I think he wanted to break up, but couldn't do it himself, and that's why he treated me this way. He responded to me saying, "Stop it (my name). That's also when he said he was going through a lot of mental like things right now.

He wants to keep you in his back pocket as a fan, admirer and back up plan when he's not hanging out with his friends going to concerts and whatever else he does when he's ignoring you.

He's not good for you. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Feeling_bad said:

I said to him that I think he wanted to break up, but couldn't do it himself, and that's why he treated me this way. He responded to me saying, "Stop it (my name). That's also when he said he was going through a lot of mental like things right now.

Doesn't sound like he denied it. He also didn't promise that he would treat you better.

I hope for the sake of yourself and your daughter that you'll pride-up and adopt the strength to walk away from this guy and hold out for the love and kindness you deserve from someone who can appreciate your unique value.

Isn't that what you want for yourself?

This guy is not him.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Feeling_bad said:

Because before this started happening a few weeks ago, he's been a great guy. 

Sorry this is happening. Is he married or involved with someone else? He doesn't seem to be in this relationship with both feet.

His frequent cancellations and disappearances seems more like he's out having fun elsewhere rather than "mental health issues".

Even if you are lonely, don't chase men like this. The headaches and heartaches will wear you down.

[Feeling_bad]

17 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Doesn't sound like he denied it. He also didn't promise that he would treat you better.

I'm just leaving him alone for the time being. I think that;s the best thing I can do for the moment. Keeping trying to contact him is only going to make things worse. I'm going to wait a day or so and see what happens.

As to him not saying he would treat me better, he hasn't spoken to me since last night. He may come to that realization. I don't know.

[Feeling_bad]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is he married or involved with someone else?

I don't think so. He may very well be having mental health issues, but who knows with him.

[DarkCh0c0]

5 hours ago, Feeling_bad said:

But being alone isn't preferable to me.

Yet, you ARE alone even when your status with him is "together" on paper.

How are you not alone when he leaves you for dinner to go meet with his friends or hook up with other women? How are you not alone when he ghosts your presence and your messages? How are you not alone when he blocks and unblocks you as if you're just an option in his life? How are you not alone when he doesn't treat you like a valued priority in his life?

Honey, your notion of love sounds like settling for breadcrumbs from an emotionality unavailable man. Your notion of love is toxic. I seriously hope that YOU will block him and that you'll take some time to enjoy the holidays by yourself with your daughter. Maybe go on a trip together somewhere fun and have a good time. You have the power in YOU.

And to be clear, you've done nothing to warrant his d-bag behaviour. You are worthy and deserve much better.

[DarkCh0c0]

3 hours ago, Feeling_bad said:

As to him not saying he would treat me better, he hasn't spoken to me since last night. He may come to that realization. I don't know.

Okay. Let's be clear here. He's an adult. He knows he doesn't treat you right. He knows he can behave like *** with you and get away with it. He knows he can treat you badly, yet you'll keep running after him.

He knows and actively treats you like disposable trash. He takes you in and out with a click of his finger and you keep staying regardless. Your self worth is based on him being in your life, even if he treats you like that. It's a nice ego boost for him to have a woman begging him to be with her when he's barely even present.

I really urge you to block him and go no contact. If he ever shows up, don't open the door. You need to realize this was very poor treatment and it's unjustified. You deserve better and he doesn't deserve you.

Only you can break this toxic cycle and free yourself to find men who treat you right consistently. If it's love what you're after, it's not going to be with this guy for sure, so don't waste your breath. He's shown you who is he is with his actions. Don't buy into his lies and fake words. Be done with him. And, I'm sorry. I know heartbreaks suck, but you need to start standing up to yourself and learn to walk away from anyone who doesn't treat you right.

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, Feeling_bad said:

I don't feel I'm "begging." 

You are absolutely begging. 

6 hours ago, Feeling_bad said:

Why would he say things like he's not a good guy, say he's so sorry, and not deserving of a girlfriend 

Probably because he's been doing things he shouldn't behind your back. My strong guess is that he's been with someone else, and he didn't want to the bad guy and end it. So he treated you like dog crap until you did it. But he wants this break-up, that much is clear. 

6 hours ago, Feeling_bad said:

We've had a really good relationship.

Not if he's blocked you 4 or 5 times, no. You are in denial, OP. A really good relationship doesn't include that sort of toxic behaviour. 

6 hours ago, Feeling_bad said:

That's because I don't really want to lose him.

He's already gone, and he was gone before you broke up with him. He was trying to get you to do it, because he has evidently lost interest in the relationship and painted you into a corner where you essentially had no choice but to dump him. 

I'm sorry you're going through this. But you need to wake up, girl. This man is awful and so is the relationship. He doesn't want to be there anymore. Maybe he'll talk to you again, but you need to realize it's over either way. If you hadn't done it, he eventually would have. 

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, Feeling_bad said:

But being alone isn't preferable to me. I want a relationship. I want to settle down and get married again (maybe not to him), I've been alone for a long time and I'm tired of it.

But you are alone.  Being with the wrong person is far more alone than not having a partner.  Aren't you tired of how disrespectful and dismissive he is? How is that you feel like you have a "partner" -why because you get to post happy couple fake photos on Facebook? 

I have a beautiful looking acquaintance with a really handsome partner and gorgeous children. They were married. He cheated on her.  Divorced.  Got back together, had another child.  During that time he cheated again.  Same woman (coworker) .She stayed but won't remarry him.  This was a couple of years ago -now she describes it to me privately as "that rough patch" and posts photo after photo of their gorgeous family in gorgeous locales.  Yes I defer to her - she wants to forgive and loves him and she's happy with him now (so she says to me) - cool. 

But if I were single and knew this I would never ever ever choose her situation over being on my own.  Cause I kind of like myself and respect myself.  (Having said that -sure maybe he's done with his cheating and obviously she doesn't trust him enough to remarry him).  

You can be tired of being single. I was single till I was 39 (we married at 42) - I was so bone tired of it and  tired of my ticking clock.  I was so tired of all the comments about why I was still single and childless.  I was so tired of 100 first meets and 300 phone calls through dating sites and set ups and going to singles events like a part time hustle.  I was so tired of Mr. Right on Paper and Mr. Stingy With the Waiter Who He Assumed Was Hispanic and Mr. Be Thankful I Met You You 37 Year Old Potentially Infertile Woman.  I was so tired of invites to bridal and baby showers and weddings.  I was so tired of my Smug Married friends and my so-called happily married sister (now happily divorced) and hearing about this awful ex and another awful ex finding true love.  It wasn't fair.  To me.  I was so tired.   But the alternative was not to settle for scraps where I'd have to be a doormat.  How is that even an alternative OP? I almost settled a couple of times.  Thank goodness I had the presence of mind not to. 

My child sees us argue and bicker at times and my child sees us hug and kiss and make up and laugh together at silly stuff.  My child knows I admire and respect my husband/his dad and that we love each other and that our wedding day was one of the best days of my life. 

My child sees his father show respect to me and love me.  We had a mini crisis on our last road trip last month when my husband couldn't find the car keys at a really bad time.  My son saw how I didn't "lose it" and how I gave my husband space to figure out what to do next, how I gave support in the right way, and my son listened to me when I told him (after the keys were found hours later) that we would not judge or criticize him at all for not being careful enough with where he placed the keys - that he'd punished himself for it plenty, that he'd been stressed out plenty and he watched how my husband criticized himself in front of us and we rallied together to tell him we felt awful what he'd been through and we were so happy he found them and we were going to continue on our awesome trip.

  Imagine if this happened to you OP - would your "partner" cut you slack in a similar situation? Would your partner want your daughter to learn in these challenging situations that respecting and caring for your partner takes priority over the stress and inconvenience -that you have to tread lightly with someone who you're frustrated with perhaps but who needs your support right then not your judgment even if you're exhausted from the situation. 

Would he -are you sure? Or would he get all judgey or leave/give you the silent treatment or make snarky comments about how careless you were? Would he be your partner at the harder times??

What do you benefit from -again -is it telling yourself you're "in a relationship?" But you're not in a healthful relationship with yourself if you tolerate being treated in this way.  You're taking the easy way out -you know he doesn't care about you in the way he should so it's easier - you don't have to be open and vulnerable and work on maintaining and developing a healthful relationship -you know he always has one foot out the door so you never really have to commit to him. 

Imagine if your child was being bullied by a popular student in her class who told her she'd deign to hang out with your child as long as your child did her bidding, as long as your child was available and at her beck and call and tolerated broken plans the last minute, silent treatment etc. Your child would tell you "I'm tired of not being in the popular crowd!!! It's all I ever wanted!!! Everyone else in that crowd is soooo cool and she's letting me hang out with her sometimes!!!"  Is tired the standard?

It's tiring to be single when you want to be married.  Exhausting.  Show some grit and do the right thing.  

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, Feeling_bad said:

Yes, I do agree and that would kill me. Can I be that confident woman to him, or is it too late for that? If not, how do I do that? Isn't telling him that if he does that again, and he did last night, that i would break up with him if he did it again, not being confident?

It's part of it- I wrote above that words are part. Consistent actions are far more important. I wrote examples above.  I wish you the best.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Feeling_bad said:

 but who knows with him.

Exactly. That's the thing. You're overinvested and overinvolved with someone who seems like he sort of comes and goes. Try not to feed stray cats or raccoons. It keeps them coming around and making a racket. 

This relationship is confusing and only providing background noise.

[boltnrun]

Personally I don't think there's anything to "break up".

Does he bring you around his friends? Does he introduce you as his girlfriend? Have you met and spent time with him with his family? Has he taken you on trips?

The guy I wrote about did in fact do most of those things, but whenever he met a woman he was interested in I was suddenly his "bestest friend". I was his girlfriend if he thought another man was interested in me, but otherwise he was very noncommittal about me. He cared if I stopped seeing him, but only because he wanted me as an option. He didn't love me.

Bask in the love of your child and how much she looks up to you as her mother and role model. That is what's important, not some guy who dismisses you whenever he thinks he has something better to do. 

[smackie9]

How can you say this is a good relationship when you broke up 5 times. So what were the reasons? and who broke up with who?