Feelings for my colleague

[oli123]

I (27F) started a new job 6 months ago, but am now wondering how to deal with the feelings I have developed for a male colleague who has become a close friend. We clicked instantly and have the same sense of humour, so we began to spend time together outside of the office, just us two. When we first met, I was on the dating scene and navigating the online dating highs and lows, whilst he was (and still is) single and waiting for the right person to come along. I am now in the early stages of a relationship but feel that, despite my partner's best efforts, something is missing.

My colleague often asks how things are between me and my partner, and I've noticed that he's been getting more tactile (poking me in the ribs, touching my nose to "annoy" me). Various people at the workplace have asked if we are together and he jokes about them being "happy for us." We both have said how we haven't ever met anyone with whom we've had such an instant connection so, whatever our relationship is, it feels special. 

I have always applied a strict "no dating at the office" rule, and I think this should be the same, especially given the small size of the company. However, how is the best way to deal with such a situation? Any ideas?

[smackie9]

Since you are already see each other outside of work...you are pretty much having an emotional affair on the BF/new dating partner, anyways. Going out one on one is dating. Dump your BF and hit up new employee.

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, oli123 said:

something is missing.

Hard to bond with someone else when 5 days a week you're flirting with your co-worker, fantasizing about him, stopping by each others desks at work for chats, making sure you're looking good at work since he'll be seeing you, and doing activities outside of work with this co-worker.

Yeah, let the new guy go since you're not feeling it.

You'll then have to decide whether or not you will break your rule of not dating co-workers. If you give dating a try, know the possible consequences and be prepared for the worse.

You also have to think of another possibility that though he seems like he's into you, it might be that when you let him know you're single, he fails to ask you out. Some guys are into keeping a fun, flirty spark in these types of friendships, yet never are interested in turning it into an actual flame.

If you decide to date him, try to keep your romantic relationship out of the workplace, because too much of what your colleagues are seeing will make you two seem less professional.

If you decide not to date him, you're going to have to end this emotional affair, and begin treating him like any other co-worker. This will include losing each other's numbers and no longer meeting outside of work, because that won't be conducive to any future romantic relationships you have with anyone else. If he's really not interested in dating you, and just liked the fact you have a crush on him because it's an ego boost for him, the same advice applies.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

[Kwothe28]

You should definitely break up with your boyfriend. You have feelings for somebody else so there is no point in having LDR and pulling somebody strings for nothing.

As far as the colleague goes, yes you should trully weigh in if offie romance is something you want to start. As yes, they do tend to be messy if you break up later. So its debatable if the risk is worth it that you cant look at each other later and need to work togther at the small company.

[Batya33]

I married a man I originally met at work.  I think it can work only if you don't work together, and there is no chance of working together. In my case we worked at a very large company in entirely different departments although same field/title.  We didn't run into each other during the day.  Also I left the company 6 months after we started dating -nothing to do with him -just a lateral move.  I will tell you this was pre-internet and cell phones and yet everyone knew right away even though we were 100% discreet while in the office.  And we both were single from the start.  

I wouldn't date this person until one of you leaves the company.

[moodindigo91]

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Dump your BF and hit up new employee.

I agree. At minimum, you should breakup with your boyfriend. You're not feeling him, something is missing, and you're spending all your time daydreaming about your work hubby. 

Given that, I wouldn't jump right into a relationship with the work guy, but I would try and go about going on a formal date of some sort and see if that's something you're both interested in taking any further. Only then will you need to discuss what to do about telling your work, etc. 

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, oli123 said:

My colleague often asks how things are between me and my partner,

How do you respond to the question?

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, oli123 said:

My colleague often asks how things are between me and my partner, 

It sounds like you are in the friendzone because he is wisely staying away from a new coworker and someone who has a BF.

But your unhappiness in your new situation makes the coworker seem more appealing.

Make friends at work, be professional and since the man you're with recently isn't working out, keep dating and try not to get complacent.

Keep in mind that 2 half men don't make one whole one. So the meh BF + fun coworker only seems like a solution, but frankly both situations are a poor bet.

[Capricorn3]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

How do you respond to the question?

I'd like to know that too.  OP, you're already flirting and having an emotional affair with your colleague.  Do the right thing and end it with your current boyfriend - what you're doing is both wrong and disrespectful.  You can't have it both ways.

[MissCanuck]

You need to let go of the new guy, first and foremost. 

It's obvious you aren't really that into him if you're grappling with feelings for someone else. So do the right thing and break it off there. 

Be careful with your colleague, though. If you start dating and it goes sideways, how will you feel still having to see him all the time?