I love my boyfriend but can’t stand his mother

[vdaisy88]

I love my boyfriend but can’t stand his mom

(PLEASE DO NOT HARASS ME ABOUT THE WAY I WRITE, IM 17 IM TRYING MY BEST WITH THE EDUCATION I HAVE, I originally wrote to Reddit but felt worse after 5 minutes because all people could say were mean things about not knowing how to format paragraphs or using correct grammar, please understand I tried my damn best.)

I (17f) have been in a really good relationship with my boyfriend (18m). I love him endlessly I don’t think there’s a guy more perfect then him. For the past 5 months I’ve driven 45 minutes to see him and 45 minutes back home at the end of the night, practically living at his house besides to sleep. I decided to switch to online school for finishing my senior year so I was able to have more time with my boyfriend. He is nothing but good, has never made me feel unsafe, puts 100% in all of the time. I’ve had emotional breakdowns where I would just cry and yell and he just holds me. I have no doubt that this is the man I’m gonna marry, but I don’t think his mom is someone I want in my life. First off I know I’m already gonna have people telling me “oh you’re too young to chose the person you’re gonna marry” “you’re too young you have other opportunities leave”. I would like to just say I don’t want to leave this boy at any cost, or see him any less then I do now he’s the love of my life, and it is hard sometimes mentally because since I’m with him practically every second I’m awake. I don’t have friends like I used to, not a single person to text, I haven’t listened and sung along to songs I like in the car for months since it’s always either music he likes or when he’s not there I’m on a call with him. I haven’t felt that alive really in a while. I mean things are fun and pretty in the world but nothing feels like how it used to. I love my boyfriend endlessly and I know being with him and putting my 24/7 into him I’ll be happy, safe, protected, cared for, and I don’t have to worry, I trust this man to never break my heart.
 

Now onto my big issue, his mother. At first I really loved his mom she was sweet all over me about how I should wear her dress when I get married we got along great for the first couple months that I was with my boyfriend. She’s an alcoholic, and I say this with no judgment because I’ve been there, old friends I had in highschool haven been there. I am the last person to judge someone for being an alcoholic, but his mom takes it way to far. On September 25th my boyfriends best friend/cousin died, they were the same age and were extremely close since they were in diapers so it was extremely hard on my boyfriend, day of the funeral comes, my boyfriends mom comes in stumbling over drunk, it was bad, we had to sit in the last row so people wouldn’t see and she got up in the middle of the funeral and just fell, instead of being there for my boyfriend I had to walk his drunk mother out of there, and it only gets worse, as soon as we got outside, she whips a whole bottle of vodka out of her purse and starts drinking it, me and my boyfriend ended up just leaving so we could basically drag her into the car. After that I’ve been slowly losing respect for her, on top of that she likes to just come to us when she’s drunk and talk for hours, I had a really important meeting for school at 9:00, I said something the day before and that morning that I couldn’t be interrupted. As I am actively on that meeting she comes down and just talks to me, about things like chocolate wine that I don’t want my meeting to hear, I ended up just leaving the meeting and rescheduling it later in the day. I have to go home everyday at around 11:00pm. There are times where she just won’t stop drunk talking to us not letting me go home even when I interrupt her saying I have to go and then I end up having to come up with an excuse to my mom why I’m an hour late. This weekend I hit my final straw. My boyfriends little brother(10m) came to me and said “today is the worst day ever” and I asked him why and I don’t think I can be the same after I heard what he said. “Mommy said she was gonna go *** somebody else if daddy doesn’t *** her so they had sex”. Hearing those words coming from a 10 year old made me sick. And then to hear him say that he wants mommy to just stop drinking and that he wants to get his mind off of it broke my heart. That night my boyfriend was extremely harsh with his mom, calling her a failure and dumping all her alcohol, he was trying to make her feel bad for what she did and she just wouldn’t, all she would say was ok or leave me alone and that pissed me off. I don’t ever want to be in that house again after that it makes me sick to even go near. That’s my future childrens grandmother, not just my boyfriends mom. I don’t want her anywhere near my kids until she’s been at least a year sober. I don’t want her in my kids life, but she always talks about how when I have kids she wants to watch them and babysit all the time but I’m not for that.
 

When I turn 18 in April I was supposed to move in with my boyfriend at his house, I’m 100% against that idea now I just can’t. My boyfriend still wants a relationship with his mom and to be at his house all the time like we used to, but I can’t stand her. I want to get an apartment as soon as I turn 18 and I have the chance of doing so if my boyfriend supports me. He is against getting an apartment he doesn’t want to have to make ends meet and he just thinks we’re perfectly better just being at his house. We both do food delivery together for a job on his account because I’m not allowed to make an account until I’m 18. We make good money about 15 an hour after gas, my boyfriend hates working, but for me it’s stress reliving, working was what got me through my depression before I met him. He doesn’t want to work more then 4 hours a day but I want and need to work more then that if I want an apartment. This is my only way making money my boyfriend isn’t comfort with me getting a job without him and I respect that. I don’t know what to do I need help and advice. What do I do is do i deal his mom being my future how can I get an apartment I just need advice on this whole thing.

TL;DR my boyfriends mom is an alcoholic and I can’t deal with what is see, I’m supposed to move in during April but I want an apartment instead, my only source of money is delivering food with my boyfriend which he refuses to do more then 4 hours a day. He doesn’t want me working without him which I respect. I love my boyfriend endlessly and need to be with him at whatever cost but I need an apartment during April instead of moving in with him, I can’t stand his mom being in my life or my future kids life

[boltnrun]

What's going on at your home that you can't spend time there? Why are you attending school from your boyfriend's parents' home instead of your own?

Aside from the drinking, if my kids' boyfriend or girlfriend was at my home practically 24/7 I would ask them when they're going home. That's way too much.

Why did you give up your friends and activities for this boy? Did he insist you only spend time with him?

BTW, he can get into a lot of legal trouble for allowing you to work under his account with his employer. 

I'm sure what I wrote will seem extremely unhelpful but I'm coming from the perspective of an adult and a parent.

[Batya33]

Here is what I would do.  In any "competition" between his mom and you, she wins.  All The Time. You are the girlfriend.  You are not married or even engaged.  I would stop spending time at the home.  Have your boyfriend come to you or meet and go home to separate homes.  When you have enough saved to afford an apartment -google what that would be-there are really good financial calculators online - move out on your own.  Get your own place.  Or a place with roommates.  Then your boyfriend can visit you there. 

Move in with him only if there is a wedding in the works, and if you 100% accept that this is who his mom is, it is none of your business whether or how she gets help for her alcohol problem, and  that if you do marry this person and if you do have a child then you will get a say in whether that child is around his grandmother and when and you can keep your child safe from let's say being in a car with her if she is drinking.  

Do as well as you can in school.  Get a better job and/or go to college or trade school or community college.  Try to get scholarships.  Become and work towards financial independence.  Have a relationship with your boyfriend where you do not depend on him at all financially or with any living situation since you have to accept that if you do it will require a lot more interaction with his mother.  Stay out of it.  When it comes time to get engaged and plan a wedding see if things have changed, if she has chosen to get help and/or if your boyfriend has chosen to distance himself.

[Coily]

First to your dealing with the mother. She has no motivation to change, and doubtful that will ever change. Is that something you can handle? It does not sound promising.

I do have other concerns about your situation. Mostly that I think you are going to sell yourself short by rushing into anything with your current boyfriend. For both of you it will be best to get a separate place to live from his family; and I would urge you to finish your education.

Furthermore, for your own benefit long term earn your own money as soon as you can. It will give you insight for later in life, and if anything should go poorly with your BF or his mom you can be independent.

I  want to say more about the rush into this relationship; but I think that is better addressed when you are open to a broader discussion.

 

[JohnLee]

Your relationship with your bf seems to be an unhealthy obsession because you are not living in your house, you have decided to forgo in-person school and switched to online school to be close to him. You also let go of your friends. If everything revolves around your bf, if you lose him, your world will collapse. Your chance of being with your bf 2 years from now is probably 30%. You are too young, you need to go to college, in a job training program or get a job, you need to have friends and you should not live in his house with his mother. Anyway, I am probably not making any sense to you. Once this fascination stage passes, you will see that you can't invest your entire live into one person.

[DarkCh0c0]

I think your issue is with him and not the mom. I agree with you in that you absolutely should NOT move in with them. Zero. Nada. Nope.

Find full time work at another company and save up to move out on your own. Only move in with your bf if he has enough income to share rent and bills under an independent apartment.

In the meanwhile, focus on being this brilliant financially independent woman and reflect on your dating standards. If you want a man who respects your space as a couple, appreciates your freedom and independence, is a responsible adult and has healthy boundaries with his mom, then you need to give it some time to see for yourself if he'll be up to that bar with his actions. Don't let him fool you with fake promises and don't set your bar any lower. You sound like a smart lady, so you shouldn't settle for any less just because you have feelings for someone.

If he doesn't meet your bar, then you can move on to better matches while having your own place and financial independence. You don't need to settle for a boy who doesn't want to be an adult and who prefers living under his momma's house rent free. Girl, you can do better.

[moodindigo91]

1 hour ago, vdaisy88 said:

That’s my future childrens grandmother, not just my boyfriends mom. I don’t want her anywhere near my kids until she’s been at least a year sober. I don’t want her in my kids life, but she always talks about how when I have kids she wants to watch them and babysit all the time but I’m not for that.

1 hour ago, vdaisy88 said:

15 an hour after gas, my boyfriend hates working

1 hour ago, vdaisy88 said:

He doesn’t want to work more then 4 hours a day

1 hour ago, vdaisy88 said:

my boyfriend isn’t comfort with me getting a job without him and I respect that

There are soooooo many red flags in your post, honestly I'm shocked how you could be okay with any of this? 

First of all, you're talking about future children as if you were already married to this guy and/or pregnant. You are 17 years old. You are still a teenager, a child yourself. Your boyfriend has a controlling and alcoholic mother. That's not something you can just get rid of. She's his mother. Even if you moved in together into your own apartment, she'll still be his mother and you'd still have to deal with her. Is this really what you want to settle for at such a young age? 

What are you parents like? Why do you not want to live with them? Why are you in such a hurry to leave and become financially strapped and live paycheck to paycheck and deal with the abusive alcoholic mother of your boyfriend? 

I don't know where you live, but $15 an hour is not nearly enough money to maintain an apartment where I live. Are you considering not just the rent payment, but also utilities (gas, water, electric), internet, car payments, phone payments, food costs, etc. etc.? How will you furnish your apartment? 

Also, your boyfriend kind of sounds like a loser in my opinion. It also sounds like he is controlling over you. Also, think about it, he hates working, doesn't want to work more than 4 hours in a day, but also doesn't want YOU to get a job? (which is another thing entirely - he needs to have this much control over you that you can't work?). No wonder he just wants to live at his parents' house, it's a cushy set up for him. There's a slim chance you'd be able to support him and yourself at age 17/18 as a delivery driver. And you'd likely be having to support him since he hates working and doesn't want to work. Is he doing anything like going to school, trying to define a career path, learning a trade? How does he plan to support himself if and when he ever does move out of his parents' house? Is he planning to leave his parents' house? 

I am having trouble understanding why you are making such poor choices for yourself. You deserve much better. 

[Seraphim]

Okay, you guys want to be independent but no one works more than 4 hours a day because that is his wish? Well; here is an eye opener, my two vehicles cost me $3000 just for repairs and insurance and gas this MONTH. That is no other bills at all. 
 

Our average monthly bill load is about $6000 a month, so these repairs are on top of that. 
 

Get an education and leave home when ready . Lack of education won’t leave you with the ability to support yourself. The world is a cruel and hard place that doesn’t care. 

[DarkCh0c0]

Please make sure you use protection during intercourse (condoms and/or birth control pills) to avoid accidental pregnancies and STDs. You need to be living in your own apartment with both of you working so that you can raise healthy kids. As long as you don't live together independently from his mom, you need to make sure that kids are off the table. Kids need a big income from both parents and they need a safe comfortable home. Also, the least you want to do is raise kids around an alcoholic grandma and a lazy father. Hell no!

[Seraphim]

Btw : I am 56 years old and still work  55 hours a week. When I was 17 I went to school full time and worked 40 hours a week after school and in my 20’s going to university with 6 courses a semester and working 60 hours a week and slept 4 hours a night. I am not sure where your bf thinks $1200 a month is getting him. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, vdaisy88 said:

When I turn 18 in April I was supposed to move in with my boyfriend at his house,I’ve had emotional breakdowns where I would just cry and yell and he just holds me.

Is there trouble at home you're trying to get away from? Don't stay at his place this much. Certainly don't move in with them.

When you turn 18 go to social services to ask about housing assistance, education and career training assistance, food assistance, medical and mental healthcare. Once you are 18 you can leave home but you'll need help with medical care and career training.

Your BF can't support you and you don't want to live in poverty. You seem to be running from something rather thinking forward about a good job and place to live and building a solid adult life for yourself.

[catfeeder]

When you make someone your 24/7 focus to the exclusion of all other social bonds and interests, guess what happens. You get bored and depressed, eventually.

When you get bored and depressed, it occurs to you that the relationship is stunting you, and if you can revive a bond with even one friend or two, you'll be able to get out with them and explore a bit of life beyond one guy.

So chances are, you don't need to invest premature worry about a future with this woman built on $15 an hour, 4 hours a day, because you sound creative and intelligent enough to bust out of such a small, small focus at some point.

Head high, and enjoy yourself.

[boltnrun]

And for the record, I don't see anything wrong with your writing style.

[catfeeder]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

And for the record, I don't see anything wrong with your writing style.

Me either. Feel free to write more if it helps.

[SooSad33]

So much good advice here!

I also fear for your future at this rate.  You've only been involved with him for 5 mos?  And YOU drive 45 mins there & back? That is a lot for you at this age 😕 .

As mentioned, you are only 17. You have so much to live for and so much to look into.  So please try to look at it this way.  IMO, you should NOT just jump into something like moving in with him so fast here. ( at this point of your relationship, is called the honeymoon phase. It's all so exciting & new -- that will change soon enough, when reality hits).

I suggest you do not go changing your whole life around for this guy.  You have no idea what he's truly like in the long run. ( and look how upset you are with the life of his mother... after 5 mos).  Understandable you're not a fan of her being an alcy, but this is her... this is his mother and you can't change that.  You either accept it & live with it, or you don't.

Also, was mentioned about his choice of living & working.  He's a slacker. Doing minimal anything.  Is he in school or is he done now?  IF he can do so, he should be seeking full time employment somewhere, especially if he's done his schooling.  And why are you doing all of the travelling here?  Does he have a license or drive?  I sure as heck would NOT Have been driving all of that distance & time at that age!  ( as asked, is there a reason you don't spend any time at your own home?  Why can't he go see you sometimes?  I have a feeling your place is probably a lot more comfortable & settled than his place.. poor kids 😕 .

As for you - I fear your mentality with all of the stressors you've got put onto you at such a young age 😕 .  At 17 yrs old, I was still young enough to know I was in no way ready to have kids, no way.  I still wanted to be able to go out on my own free will & enjoy my weekends, no worries except for about myself.  ( I did not have kids until I was 23).

Also, any friends I have or ever had, in no way would I lose them over my bf.  That's controlling on his part and that's a no- no.

I do agree as well with the mention of getting your feet on the ground.  Building up in the financial part before even considering moving somewhere with him -- and also waiting a good while longer, in order to figure yourselves out here.

You need to see IF he can hold down a job and save some money.  You need to see that he is marriage potential in the future.  Never rush into stuff like this.  You two both need to get to know each other more than 5 mos worth!

So, how about YOU just slow this all down a little.  Is okay to keep seeing him . That's fine, but also continue on with your own life.  Spend some time out with your friends.  Do you have other interests?  Hobbies..sports?  Just don't lose yourself in this.

I just want YOU to realize your age and how young you still are and at this age, many kids are NOT thinking in their right minds and will make mistakes, as you learn about life, responsibility etc.  I don't want you jumping so fast into something you don't know much about.  

So please sit back, take a deep breath and seriously think on the whole dynamic.

- You two are still so young

- His mom is challenging with her own probs- but she is his mother.

- He is not gainfully employed at all.

- You are still doing your schooling.

- You two have only been involved a short while. ( In no way should you be thinking marriage etc at this time).  You need some time to continue getting to know each other and see IF you are truly compatible.

 

You need to look at this thru a wider lense.  You need to grow up a little more, he needs to grow up a lot.  No need to rush into all of this at this time..is there?

Give this all a couple years more.  See how things are by then.. Then decide.  

 

 

[Cherylyn]

His mother is a package deal and not going anywhere.  Your boyfriend will not change his dynamic with his mother because of you.  You are the one who has to control your life and control the choices you make regarding whom you choose to have in your life and deal with despite its complications and difficulties.  If you choose to marry him,  remember this:  "Love doesn't pay the rent."  You'll always struggle financially with him and is this the type of life you envision for yourself?  Your children will end up as products of a broken home.  Most marriages disintegrate due to financial hardship and relationship headaches including due to in-laws.  Your future MIL (mother-in-law / grandmother to your children) will pose a danger to your children.  In this case, you can predict the future and it will be filled with chaotic instability. 

You are young.  Concentrate on your education and obtain a great job so you can have a stable, very comfortable standard of living.  Even though your boyfriend is your "dream boyfriend," your future will become a living nightmare should you marry him and bring children into the world.  Be wise.  Think smart.

[Jaunty]

I'm concerned about your choices.  It's probably too late to turn back the clock, but your enmeshment with the guy and his family is very unhealthy for you.  You NEED to have friends and other relationships. We all do.  It's absolutely toxic for ANYONE to have nobody in their life besides their girl / boyfriend or husband /wife.  And we ALL need to take care of ourselves and explore other interests besides what our SO wants to do - especially a teenager such as yourself.   

You sound intelligent, I agree with the others who've said that you have expressed yourself well.  Don't stop growing and living in order to spend 24/7 with your low energy, unmotivated bf and his drunk mother.  I know you love him ... not saying to dump him.  But spending your entire existence doing nothing but sticking by his side is very unwise and you will regret it.  

[Batya33]

When I was 15 - over 40 years ago- I dated a 21 year old for about a month. We met at a popular pizza place my friends and I used to hang out at on Saturday nights sometimes. He hung around with people who did drugs and I believe he lived with his mother who drank a lot (not sure if alcoholic). We did not have sex.  I was fascinated with this "bad boy" and rebel - he took me to really cool parties and experiences and  thank goodness I didn't drink or take any drugs.  I had a good home life and my parents were really worried. 

He was already talking about us moving in together, and his mom already hated me from what I remember.  But I was so over the moon with the thrill of it and he was "deep" etc and wrote poetry and sang to me.  I was so into figuring him out, being the person to inspire him, etc.  I was only 15.

This was a sort of turning point -I could have started getting more enmeshed in his unstable and disordered life but fortunately I was scheduled to go to a sort of teen camp/retreat for a few weeks and being away, being back among stable people and adults who cared about us sort of snapped me out of it.  I ended it.

Please snap out of it - or do what it takes to distance yourself.  This is also a turning point because sometimes all it takes is a few wrong choices/wrong turns with your education and work at this teenage age range to throw you off for years.  Don't do it.