Is she playing mind games ?

[sunday_luthier]

I have another topic about my current relationship, but I created this new one because I fear my mind is being played with, and this is a bit off topic from my other post (that deals with kids).

I am 44, she is 41.  We met when we created a band, became friends, then started dating.

She has custody of her daughter on even weeks, I have custody of my daughters on odd weeks.

It's been 18 months now.  She suffers from depression, was always up front about it so I "knew" what I was getting into.

She can be incredibly affectionate, tells me I'm the best thing that ever happened to her.  Sometimes she gets caught up by her emotions, irritable, and I'm on the front line to try to comfort her.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I tend to be a jovial guy and I enjoy time with her, time with my kids, time by myself.

Because of our respective custodies, we only get every other weekend to spend time just the two of us.  Since we live close to one another, we often eat lunch together on weekdays, though.

I accept this situation.  She doesn't.  She has admitted feeling a great void when I'm not around, and I think she wants me to say the same thing, but it is simply not the case.

She doesn't want to come to my house (she declines when I invite her) so we usually hang out at her place... Then she complains we always stay at HER place.

In bed, when she's not in the mood, instead of saying so, she snaps at me, saying "Go home if you don't want to spend the night with me!". It makes no sense.

She makes little effort to stay in touch with me but resents when I don't stay in touch with her.

Last week, after being lovey dovey on Tuesday, she barely grunted a few words when I called on Wednesday.  I sent her a sweet goodnight text and received a scathing message the next morning:

"I am mad at you.  You don't want me in your life.  I feel like I'm being take advantage of.  You're with your daughters but I'm crying here all alone.  You called and texted me to give yourself a good conscience, but I know you think I don't exist!  I want space"

It was heartbreaking.  I felt so guilty.... It made me feel terrible and then I realized I was ignoring my kids and being grumpy and absent that evening.

So my emotions switched to anger.  

We had a vocal exchange in which I asked her what the goal of that message was.  I told her that if she was planning on making me feel guilty, I saw it as a red flag and would consider ending the relationship.

She said she was just expressing her feelings, and that she missed me.  

I told her that her attitude was that of a dependant partner and not that of a loved one.

She got completely emotional and stormed off.

Since then, she politely declined my invitation to come over this weekend, then politely asked that we go to band rehearsal separately.  

Band rehearsal is in an hour, and quite frankly, I'm afraid to go.  I'm pretty sure she will be barely friendly to me and leave early to keep me in the dark.

I want to stand my ground because I feel like I did nothing wrong.  I've been feeling like I'm walking on eggshells for a long time in this relationship, and never know if I'm dealing with Dr. Jekyll or Mister Hyde.  

Any advice is welcome 

[boltnrun]

39 minutes ago, sunday_luthier said:

Band rehearsal is in an hour, and quite frankly, I'm afraid to go.

Fear has no place in a love relationship.

Why should it be always her getting what she demands? Aren't you also in this relationship?

[Seraphim]

She sounds like she is emotionally unstable. She is also resentful of your kids. That is a non starter. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, sunday_luthier said:

I've been feeling like I'm walking on eggshells for a long time in this relationship, and never know if I'm dealing with Dr. Jekyll or Mister Hyde. 

It's past time to end the relationship, man. 

She is volatile, rude, and demeaning. Add to this your other thread where you revealed your kids don't like her and she doesn't like them. 

Time to read the writing on the wall and end it. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

"I am mad at you.   I want space"

I  I told her that if she was planning on making me feel guilty, I saw it as a red flag and would consider ending the relationship.

You're both threatening to end things because you can't get along or fulfill each other's needs.

It's not about who is playing games, it's about an unhealthy dynamic where you can't get along but can't move forward peacefully.

Sadly you are both bringing baggage into the relationship, particularly unresolved and inconvenient custody arrangements with your respective exes.

Rather than keep warring, without all the anger, just end things. You think everything is her fault, she thinks everything is your fault. Have the courage to walk away. You're at the point were it's devolved into arguing about arguing.

[catfeeder]

Sorry to say, she sounds disturbed and unravelled.

Why would you put up with this? 

[sunday_luthier]

So band rehearsal was absolutely not how I thought it would go.

She dressed a sexier than usual, danced and was cheerful with everyone including me, while I was feeling out of place and down.  She asked me how I was doing.  I told her "not so great", she gave a little peck, wished be good night and left.

I don't know if she is playing mind games or if I'm the one being overly anxious, but if she IS playing mind games, I'm definitely losing.

[spinstermanquee]

competing with your daughters is never a good look.  sad.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, sunday_luthier said:

I don't know if she is playing mind games or if I'm the one being overly anxious, but if she IS playing mind games, I'm definitely losing.

She is doing the right thing distancing herself and taking space. 

It's not a game, that is your interpretation. In fact even your mindset is one of war and winning. Sounds like left over divorce anger displaced.

Let her have this space. Your issue is too much too soon and being over-confrontational. You've still got your boxing gloves on from your divorce.

Work on the issues with your divorce and custody. Work on not trying to undo your last relationship mistakes by accelerating things in the next one.

You can make her sound awful like she's a mentally ill child hating shrew, but that's just sour grapes. Your opening post was  quite a long list of character assignations. 

[sunday_luthier]

I think you are right.

When I read my posts and other people's reactions, I realize I make her look more like a shrew than she actually is.  She can be very sweet and affectionate, and may have been the victim of bad timing on my part.  Her mood is very volatile, though.

She sent me an angry message and I responded with anger.  Our conversation was cut short before we could get to a more "solution-oriented" part of the discussion.

I miss her and want to fix things, but feel completely powerless and mentally paralyzed.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, sunday_luthier said:

I miss her and want to fix things, but feel completely powerless and mentally paralyzed.

Give her space. You need to stop crowding her. 

By the time she finally told you she wants space she was tired of talking to you with no solutions. 

Step back and work on your issues rather than finding fault with her. 

[DarkCh0c0]

She's an emotional mess. Look at her using the push-pull method to keep you attached to her. And the visitations arrangements are not working, so why not just admit the incompatibility instead of making YOU feel guilty for having time with your kids too.

I suggest you run to the hills.

14 minutes ago, sunday_luthier said:

Imiss her and want to fix things, but feel completely powerless and mentally paralyzed

This is because of the push-pull manipulative cycle you're caught up in thanks to her. Read up on this and listen to your gut.

[sunday_luthier]

11 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

She's an emotional mess. Look at her using the push-pull method to keep you attached to her. And the visitations arrangements are not working, so why not just admit the incompatibility instead of making YOU feel guilty for having time with your kids too.

I suggest you run to the hills.

This is because of the push-pull manipulative cycle you're caught up in thanks to her. Read up on this and listen to your gut.

My gut's been telling me something's iffy from the start.  The minute I kissed her for the first time, I asked myself "what the *** are you getting into?"

But I have been diagnosed with several forms of anxiety.  I know I tend to interpret things, especially when it comes to interactions with others, in my relationship, in the workplace, etc... My gut is not to be trusted 😉 

[sunday_luthier]

... so basically, my relationship is that of a guy with anxiety dating a girl with depression. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, sunday_luthier said:

 I have been diagnosed with several forms of anxiety.  I know I tend to interpret things, especially when it comes to interactions with others, in my relationship, in the workplace, etc... My gut is not to be trusted 😉 

Exactly. Take this time apart to work on your own health and well-being. Stepping away from each other is the best thing both of you can do.

Make an appointment with your doctor. Get an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

Improve your lifestyle. Quit any bad habits or self medicating. Get in shape. Eat better. Focus on adjusting better to being a single dad. Don't drag women over to babysit your kids.

It's not about continuing to make her out as an evil witch, (which is why she left) it's about things which you do have control over such as yourself your health and how you manage your visitation and custody issues.

[DarkCh0c0]

21 minutes ago, sunday_luthier said:

My gut's been telling me something's iffy from the start.  The minute I kissed her for the first time, I asked myself "what the *** are you getting into?"

It's great that you're in tune with your feelings. Be brave and do the right thing for you. You got this. You will later find a healthy partner who makes you feel safe and at ease. A healthy relationship is a smooth sailing. Keep that in mind going into the next one.

25 minutes ago, sunday_luthier said:

But I have been diagnosed with several forms of anxiety. 

And that's okay. We're all work in progress. Just make sure to build healthy habits in your life (therapy, guided meditation, exercise, hobbies, ect.) and you will attract healthy people. Having anxiety doesn't mean you don't trust your gut. It's quite the opposite. Our gut is our supernatural power in some way and, as an anxious person, it'll help you avoid going into painful situations like the current one.

[smackie9]

She sounds bi-polar/manic depression. She has her highs, and a lot of lows. She's like my mom, you don't know what you are going to get next from them. You walk on eggshells 99.9% and that makes anyone have anxiety. A good relationship is a happy peaceful one. This wasn't it. You are best to exit this one for your own sanity.

[boltnrun]

6 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

... so basically, my relationship is that of a guy with anxiety dating a girl with depression. 

And this woman is someone you want around your precious children?

Are you prioritizing trying to hold onto this woman over the well-being of your children? Do you find yourself thinking about this woman more than you think about your children?

BTW, she behaved appropriately at the rehearsal. What was she supposed to do? Cry? Beg? Start a shouting argument with you in front of everyone? 

[sunday_luthier]

So we had a good telephone conversation today.

She admitted the message she sent me was uncalled for and clumsy, and that she would work on not being so needy.  

I admitted that I did nothing constructive by reacting to her anger with even more anger, and that the needs she (clumsily) expressed were legitimate.  

We both have custodies that don't leave us much time together, so we agreed we needed to work on being more organized and better at planning those times in advance.

I looked up the push-pull method DarkChOcO mentionned, which led me to research the different attachment styles.  I recognized my self in the description of the dismissive avoidant, which gave me some clues as to what I need to improve.

She was happy with our conversation and asked me to come over for dinner tomorrow evening.

Baby steps....

[Andrina]

On 11/28/2022 at 11:13 AM, sunday_luthier said:

I've been feeling like I'm walking on eggshells for a long time in this relationship,

This is exactly how I felt in my first marriage. My husband, now ex, suffered from depression. After that experience, I advise anyone not to date anyone who suffers from it who is not in treatment, or in treatment but it's not working.

In my case, and it sounds like yours as well, you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. Plus, he would make up things in his head that were so negative, such as imagining I was giving him a dirty look, when I was just eating dinner in a happy mood.

He would blow up about nonsense--nothing anybody else without depression would ever be upset about.

And then he's isolate himself, not speaking and being a distant partner. He was also a black hole for affection. It was never enough, and if he didn't get what he wanted, he would either be angry or sulk.

I was too young and dumb to choose him as a partner back then. I chose much more wisely in my forties after that divorce and married a man I'm a million times happier with.

You're already in your forties, so you can't blame being young and dumb on this big mistake. That's my opinion.

[MissCanuck]

This relationship is such a trainwreck. 

It's not going to last, OP. And I think you know this. It just depends on how much longer you want to live in denial and prolong your own misery. 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, sunday_luthier said:

Baby steps....

That's a good start. Stay away from each other's children for now. Date when both of you are free.  Discontinue doing things as "a family" because you're not a family. You're dating.

Perhaps with better boundaries, you two could reset things. But be mindful of forcing your children to accept too much too soon. They were just traumatized by your divorce, so don't subject them to having to get used to someone being there too much.

Focus on the best co-parenting you can manage and don't try to turn GFs into stepmothers prematurely.

Your kids have a mother, they really don't need your GF in their lives. It's too complicated for them as it is.

Perhaps the space did some good.