Mom isn’t talking to me and being ridiculous

[Seraphim]

I went away for the weekend with friends to the States. I told my mom I was going to my friend’s place . I didn’t tell her where I was really going because there was a blizzard where I was headed. I knew she would be upset. 
 

Well, apparently I didn’t answer her fast enough while driving and she called my husband and he told her. 🙄😒. 
 

Then I get a text about why am I being a liar. 🙄🙄 I tried texting and calling her at least 17 times and I KNOW she read my texts as IOS tells you. Finally I get at text many hours later , “ Don’t you dare lie to me again and leave the country and not tell me” 

 

For reference I am 56 years old. I had an awesome time away which was desperately desperately needed which now has a shadow of BS over it. 

Am I ridiculous to feel this is intrusive and controlling? 

[Batya33]

As long as someone knows where you are I agree!  Your husband knew!  I’m sorry you have this stress. 

[Seraphim]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

As long as someone knows where you are I agree!  Your husband knew!  I’m sorry you have this stress. 

Exactly , my husband and my son knew exactly where I was . I also text my mom about 13 times over the weekend so she KNEW I was alive and well , but because I wasn’t exactly on the planet that she thought I was now life is upside down and I must be punished apparently. 
 

Yet at the same time she says you are 56 nothing I can do. 🙄

[catfeeder]

9 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Am I ridiculous to feel this is intrusive and controlling? 

Not ridiculous, but this only views it from your own point of view.

If the situation were reversed, how would it make you feel if your Mom lied to you?

[Seraphim]

14 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Not ridiculous, but this only views it from your own point of view.

If the situation were reversed, how would it make you feel if your Mom lied to you?

I would be upset only because I know she is very mobility challenged and it isn’t safe for to be out in the winter.
 

I did apologize to her but it seems to no avail right now.  

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I did apologize to her but it seems to no avail right now.  

Let the dust settle. She had her say, so now she'll calm down.

[Seraphim]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Let the dust settle. She had her say, so now she'll calm down.

I did apologize so I will wait until she reaches out I guess. No point in forcing myself onto her if she is mad. 

[Seraphim]

I will say too my brother flies out of the country on a regular more than monthly basis and he never says a word. She never says a thing to him because he wouldn’t tolerate it . 
 

Yet when we drive down to visit her she messages 5 times over the 2 hour trip to ask, “ where are you now ?” 

[catfeeder]

46 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I would be upset only because I know she is very mobility challenged and it isn’t safe for to be out in the winter.
I did apologize to her but it seems to no avail right now.  

I hear, and it's hard. I've had to apologize to someone this week.

In my own case, I totally screwed up, and I knew it. I think she accepted my apology because I really was legitimately sorry, and I didn't convey any energy with an "alright, already!" or a, "...but YOU..." current to it. (Which has been my default that's taken me a half century to override.)

If you give both Mom and yourself some time to dowse the embers, you might feel more inclined to remove any defenses and relax. "Mom, I honestly had no bad intentions in hiding from you what I believed would upset you. I'm so sorry that I only ended up upsetting you anyway. I love you so much, and I learned my lesson the hard way for both of us. I'll never do it again."

On the up side, I'm so glad you had a wonderful time!

[Seraphim]

7 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I hear, and it's hard. I've had to apologize to someone this week.

In my own case, I totally screwed up, and I knew it. I think she accepted my apology because I really was legitimately sorry, and I didn't convey any energy with an "alright, already!" or a, "...but YOU..." current to it. (Which has been my default that's taken me a half century to override.)

If you give both Mom and yourself some time to dowse the embers, you might feel more inclined to remove any defenses and relax. "Mom, I honestly had no bad intentions in hiding from you what I believed would upset you. I'm so sorry that I only ended up upsetting you anyway. I love you so much, and I learned my lesson the hard way for both of us. I'll never do it again."

On the up side, I'm so glad you had a wonderful time!

I said exactly that already , she still isn’t talking and my good time has gone to crap and now my friends even feel bad for asking me and I am back to severe tension and feel close to tears constantly. So , I am putting an end to all of it by ignoring any text that asks where I am or what time I am getting somewhere or what is my location now. It just feeds her need to be in control. 

[boltnrun]

You say she doesn't do this to your brother because he wouldn't tolerate it. What does he do to indicate he won't tolerate her behavior? And are you willing to do the same so she'll stop doing this to you?

I'm sorry this happened. 

[Seraphim]

Just now, boltnrun said:

You say she doesn't do this to your brother because he wouldn't tolerate it. What does he do to indicate he won't tolerate her behavior? And are you willing to do the same so she'll stop doing this to you?

I'm sorry this happened. 

He just won’t answer her, period. She never never never tells him what to do with any part of his life unless he asks. He just won’t answer and she is terrified of a kid not answering. He doesn’t get irritated he just figures, my life and you get to know on a need to know basis. He hasn’t even told her his gf is moving in next week. I told her . She has been after me to get on him about how the move is going and when is he going to tell her. I said call your own son and stop pestering me. 

[boltnrun]

21 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

He just won’t answer her, period. She never never never tells him what to do with any part of his life unless he asks. He just won’t answer and she is terrified of a kid not answering. He doesn’t get irritated he just figures, my life and you get to know on a need to know basis. He hasn’t even told her his gf is moving in next week. I told her . She has been after me to get on him about how the move is going and when is he going to tell her. I said call your own son and stop pestering me. 

So I would suggest you do the same thing. Just refuse to engage when she behaves this way.

People only do what they know they can get away with. If you make it clear by your actions that you too won't tolerate her interference she will eventually stop.

Don't apologize when you haven't done anything wrong. And I wouldn't lie either. Where you go is your business.

[Seraphim]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So I would suggest you do the same thing. Just refuse to engage when she behaves this way.

People only do what they know they can get away with. If you make it clear by your actions that you too won't tolerate her interference she will eventually stop.

Don't apologize when you haven't done anything wrong. And I wouldn't lie either. Where you go is your business.

Agreed, no lying just don’t have to say anything . 

[Coily]

I hardly agree with both, you didn’t do anything wrong you owe no apology. If she can’t recognize that you at 56 are not her little pawn, then you owe Her no information, other than you are safe and healthy.

[Seraphim]

She finally text me and didn’t bring it up. So she must be ok now . 
 

I still plan to stick to my guns about not giving location updates and the like because it feeds her notion that this is ok to badger people. 
 

We talk many times a day and she knows very well I am okay. 

[boltnrun]

9 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

She finally text me and didn’t bring it up. So she must be ok now . 
 

I still plan to stick to my guns about not giving location updates and the like because it feeds her notion that this is ok to badger people. 
 

We talk many times a day and she knows very well I am okay. 

Is she clinically depressed?

My mother was clinically depressed and she basically demanded to be the center of attention at all times. She even expected to take priority over my newborn son and my husband. And when I wasn't paying attention to her 24/7 she would sulk, cry, wail about how we would all would be happier if she were dead, throw herself on the floor pretending she had fallen, etc. It was extremely difficult to deal with.

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

She finally text me and didn’t bring it up. So she must be ok now . 

If she is prone to these little thunderstorms than let them blow over. She's not going to change at her age.

[Seraphim]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Is she clinically depressed?

My mother was clinically depressed and she basically demanded to be the center of attention at all times. She even expected to take priority over my newborn son and my husband. And when I wasn't paying attention to her 24/7 she would sulk, cry, wail about how we would all would be happier if she were dead, throw herself on the floor pretending she had fallen, etc. It was extremely difficult to deal with.

I don’t believe so, but the year date of the death of my step dad is in a week so she has become more needy over the past month. 
 

She says she was never meant to live alone and hates it with a passion. 

[Seraphim]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If she is prone to these little thunderstorms than let them blow over. She's not going to change at her age.

She actually isn’t. I am more prone to blow up on people than she is . She is far more even tempered than I am but she has always wanted pretty strict control over me since I was sexually abused as a kid. She had had a hard time to let go. 

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I don’t believe so, but the year date of the death of my step dad is in a week so she has become more needy over the past month. 
 

She says she was never meant to live alone and hates it with a passion. 

Would she consider a senior apartment or condo? She could still have her own place but those complexes have activities the residents can participate in so they can still have a social life and she can make friends who live close by.

[Seraphim]

Just now, boltnrun said:

Would she consider a senior apartment or condo? She could still have her own place but those complexes have activities the residents can participate in so they can still have a social life and she can make friends who live close by.

She lives in an apartment building and joins in things when she feels like it. Her two closest friends have been dead a long time . Her next best friend recently broke her ankle and the woman’s brother died so she’s away for a month dealing with issues. 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

She lives in an apartment building and joins in things when she feels like it. Her two closest friends have been dead a long time . Her next best friend recently broke her ankle and the woman’s brother died so she’s away for a month dealing with issues. 

But I mean somewhere that is specifically for active seniors. A place that has scheduled activities. She could make new friends.

That is the plan I have for when I retire and am hopefully still able to be active.

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

But I mean somewhere that is specifically for active seniors. A place that has scheduled activities. She could make new friends.

That is the plan I have for when I retire and am hopefully still able to be active.

My mom lives in the apartment I grew up in but in the last several years it was designated a sort so de facto retirement community entitled to government funding for programs. When my dad was alive my mom audited classes at the college she and I graduated from - for about ten years - met a lot of people - and with all the classes and activities now she does all sorts of things - yoga, Pilates, book club, nutrition classes and she walks almost every day with her bff and or some other ladies. When it’s warm enough out they hang out outside in the local sitting area.
 During covid she kept up by phone for the zoom meetings - she has no internet. She’s 87.  She also now is involved with her place of worship once or twice a week.  Keeps her vital. But mh sister and I make it clear that she needs to tell us if her schedule  varies a lot like if she’s going out at night.  She’s pretty good about it. 

[Seraphim]

14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

But I mean somewhere that is specifically for active seniors. A place that has scheduled activities. She could make new friends.

That is the plan I have for when I retire and am hopefully still able to be active.

She isn’t active though . She has a walker and can’t walk or stand for longer than a few minutes . Mentally active,yes, physically active, no.