Diary of a recovering exboyfriend

[perseverance_rules]

Hola Everyone. Rion, well about Melissa...she was released from the hospital last tuesday evening and is doing better. She goes in for chemo in a few weeks. Her and my ex seriously tried to patch things up but my exgf told melissa that if they were to be friends Melissa had to STOP being friends with me because she couldnt trust her. Well melissa saw through her bull crap and said fine we cant be friends then. Boy did that make me feel guilty a bit. I mean, I was the one who told my ex that melissa is the one who ratted her out, and now I feel that Im to blame. But melissa said one thing that made sense...."if we were friends to begin with, this wouldnt have turned out like this..." As far as her and I being more than friends, I hadnt seen much future in it. She has three children, and has been through so much. I want other things, and I want to start my own family. Wouldnt be fair to either of us in that situation.

 

The girl from high school that I saw for the first time in 12 years last weekend, her and I went out tonight and just had a blast. She is so damn natural. SO funny, so sexy, so smart...wow. I remember her so much from back then, and now I feel like I missed out on her life the whole time...almost like were in constant catch up mode. Its a great time. As soon as we said our goodbyes, and we kissed...then I left, and on the way home I already missed her, I started to get nervous right there, almost telling myself to slow down and not to let this happen......couldnt help it. Shes that wonderful. Honestly.

 

But I will take things one step at a time and see how things go. I truly see myself with her, and she already told me the same,as if we connect so deep already, like long lost friends, its strange. In high school we were just friends, platonic relationship. I was really good friends with her twin brother. Now its like we missed out on a lot from each other and love each others company. WEll i guess thats my long winded speech for the night. see yall soon.

[ediefy]

perseverance--great news. do take it slowly. i realized today that since about Feb 2002, i've had 4 relationships. in every single one, things started out like gangbusters, with the guys all talking a lot about the future. as soon as i started to believe it, they started to back off. i'm looking hard at the choices i've been making. i'm not sure how one avoids the rush at the beginning, which, for me, seems to change inevitably into a fairly predictable demise sooner or later. so, try to stay balanced as well as you can. it sounds like a great match, so take the time to get to know each other at this point in your lives before you fall head over heels (if you can).

 

sorry if i sound a little less than "go pop some champagne." i'm hurting a bit this weekend, and am wondering if i'm ever going to find a good partner, and if it's even worth the effort. it was so nice to have someone fun to spend time with--all the little things that make it so special, like holding hands, talking in bed, going to the grocery store together. The whole thing. I get it, and then I lose it, over and over again. Will the time come that I get to have it for real? For more than a few months?

[rionmccloud]

We all get that eventually, I'm sure, Ediefy. Just takes time. Yes, take it slow, P Rules.

 

You can't avoid the initial rush. That's just how things are. It feels so good to know somebody else wants YOU. That they chose YOU. It's a great feeling. Just have to kind of step back and say, "Woah! Slow down a bit here, heart".

 

If it helps I'm having an interesting time with my "Friend with benefits". Not developing feelings, really, but maybe liking the cuddling and such. That's against the rules of a f*** buddy anyways. No cuddling, no staying the night, nothing more than sex. But it feels so good to have somebody share the bed. I just want that all the time. I'm smart enough to know things are what they are, though. She's not looking for a bf and I know it.

 

I'm just stuck in a place where I want to have sex but I'm also searching for the idea of romantic love. You know the kind, where you meet in a strange way. Maybe save them from choking or vice versa. Your dog starts a friend with benefits relationship with their dog while you're at the park. The ooey-gooey super sweet gushy Hollywood stuff. As unrealistic as this is, of course.

 

Sex is great but love is better. 'Nuff said.

[ediefy]

So, the new guy sent me a letter (via email) late last night. It outlined what he wants in a relationship, and made some specific requests if we are to continue. I'm sitting with it for a few days before I respond. We have such different philosophies of life, and he tends to personalize nearly everything (no, I don't mean that he gets monograms on all of his stuff). It makes for a lot of hurt feelings on his part, even when whatever it is that I've said or done really has absolutely nothing to do with him. I think my answer will be "no, thanks," but I want to give myself enough time to really think it through. He's a good man, if amazingly intense nearly all the time. It would certainly be quite a ride.

 

But I have to say that I found that I wasn't completely heartbroken over him when it all went south last week. I was sad and felt lonely but not devastated, which seems like a sign of health. Or maybe I have just developed good coping skills around being dumped and back on my own. I certainly went through the training this year!

 

Hope it's okay for me to hijack the conversation here a bit, Rion. It's helpful to write this stuff down and share it with you and perseverance, whoever you both are.

[rionmccloud]

I just talked to the ex. Mentioned waiting for Mrs Right. I already found her, and she doesn't want me.

 

I miss the ex. I want her back still. I'm not crying or anything, just missing the old us. Maybe it's not her I miss, but the idea of how we used to be. Either way, I miss her like hell right now and would do anything to have her back. Unfortunately she doesn't care and there's nothing I could do. Life's a b***h like that sometimes.

 

She doesn't even know it. She probably thnks it's all an act. I'm not just being bitter and sour when I'm angry, I'm genuinely upset about things. I'm not just saying "I still love you" to get at her.

 

Doesn't matter, just as she'll forget the maturity I displayed Friday, she's too caught up in her new bf to give two sh*ts about me and what I feel. Then again, why should she?

[ediefy]

Ah, rion. Hang in there, my friend.

 

It's one step forward, two steps back sometimes.

 

The planets must be doing some wild dance these days, all of this stuff going on in all of our lives.

 

perseverance--do give us updates!! Nice to hear some good news.

[perseverance_rules]

Well its been a long few weeks at work, but WELL worth the time put in. The Health Insurance career has taken off like I didnt expect. I mean, I have always had high aspirations for myself, and always told myself I could do ANYTHING I want to do in life, but this is more than I expected. I have been house hunting and will be buying my first NEW car since graduating college!

 

On the dating scene for me; well jenny and I have had several dates, and we talk on a daily basis. She really seems to enjoy my company, but shes very hard to read as to what she wants out of this. She is a very cute woman, has a child of her own who is 6 whose father ran out on him before he was born and hasnt been in the picture since. We get along great, and shes the type of woman who can take and give a joke which I love. Ive had a cold the last few days, well, most of this week really and I told her it would be VERy nice to have a sexy nice woman to cuddle with while I struggle with this cold...she was flattered but has her son all weekend, so I didnt pry. Its hard for us to do much really because of her not having much help with a sitter and all. I think she may be wanting me to come over and meet him and see her place, I think thats what I should do very soon instead of being so reserved about talking about that with her. i think the ball is in my court here, and I have to take the initiative to sweep her off her feet like shes waiting for? I think a good talk and a movie at her place is in the cards for this situation, what do you all think?

[rionmccloud]

Yes, meet the son. There are plenty of activities for the three of you to do. Glad to hear things are going well for you P Rules. Congratulations.

 

I hang in there as much as I can guys. Usually it's easy, but sometimes it's too much. I still love the ex. I still hope she comes back. I still miss all the little things. I was sitting at my computer looking through photos of my son, and everytime one with her in it came up it hurt. There's really no dating prospects for me. I don't mind filling the urge for sex, but I do need more. It's funny, because of the women in my life right now, I didn't think I'd be sleeping with Sarah. Don't know why, just didn't.

 

There's a few girls at work that are nice, and I'm definitely attracted to them, but I don't want to ask them out. I guess because I work with them. I know going out with Caroline was fine, and we still joke around and all, but I just don't know if I want to do that again. What if things got more serious? What if they went horribly wrong? I don't know if I want an even more hostile workplace.

 

I just want to meet someone nice, and I have no idea where to do that. I'm still too shy to just walk up and talk to anybody. The wait for love and affection continues, I guess.

[kpow]

rioncloud,

 

I just wanted to let you know how much I have enjoyed reading your posts-- how they have helped me many times.

 

I think we are caught in a sort of purgatory between or exes and the next great thing. But we can't get to the next great thing until our exes are out of our hearts (at least not sitting at the top of our hearts). You know? I know that I have been out a few times, and while i can muster some enthusiasm for the moment, it all comes crashing down in the end, and more often than not I am just wishing it was me ex who was there with me, not this other dude.

 

I have been impatient with this process-- but I rationally know that I just need TIME to get over him. It sounds like you are at a similar place.

 

I hope every day that my ex will come back to me, tell me it was all a big mistake and he will do anything to make it work. Until the day when I stop wishing for that, I know i am not ready to move on to the next great thing.

[ediefy]

Well, I discovered that meeting the new guy (even though it appears that is over) really helped me to get over the old guy. I hadn't expected that it would in quite the way it did--I liked the new guy A LOT, so I'm sad that didn't work out, and maybe that just finally made the difference for me. The old guy is so over--I've done NC for about 5 months now, and haven't run into him once, haven't seen any of our mutual friends--haven't even seen his car on the highway (except once, months ago). I don't even check his horoscope anymore. And, even though I'm sad about the new guy, I find that the old guy really seems like tired, old news. Thank god. I'd hate to be sad about two guys at the same time

 

Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that letting yourself be with someone else for a while can really help--or at least it did in my case. Easier for me than you, rion, because I don't share anything with the old guy, and you have your son together. I never have to see him, you do have to see her. I don't know how to help you get past this, other than to say that clearly you have a lot to offer any woman, from the way you describe yourself and the things you talk about here. That's not much help when there's just one person you want to be with, but at least you do have options, and that's not nothing. I feel for you.

 

The new guy sent me email on Friday night telling me he missed our Friday nights together. Now, since we're broken up, why would he be doing that? I think he'd kind of like to keep the door open--we like each other a lot--but I'm not so sure that's a great idea. I found myself sending him email back, agreeing that I missed him, too. But haven't heard from him since, and am thinking that may be a good thing, since he was pretty convinced that things wouldn't work out long-term (and did a pretty good job convincing me, too).

 

p.rules--definitely have the conversation with her. I think she'll be glad to be able to do things with you and her son. It will simplify her life in some ways, even as it complicates things a bit. Best of luck to you--it sounds like a lot of fun, which is what it should be.

[Zerohero]

Well at least your not dieing of your ex anymore. Don't rush to hard into the dating game either man, just let things flow for a bit, thats what I'm doing. Just let things flow.

[ediefy]

I am having a tough time. I am feeling like such a loser these days, and so lonely. Sometimes I think this loneliness will crush me. I am trying to get out and do things with other people, to keep busy as best I can, but at the end of the day, I'm here alone, and I wake up mornings alone and eat breakfast and read the paper alone. No one to talk to. There are entire days that go by with no phone calls, no personal email from anyone. I do try to call my friends and family--most of my friends live on the West Coast, though, so I don't get to see them very often.

 

(Geez, do I sound depressed? I sure do.)

 

I hate this. Am I ever going to find a partner in life? I'm 51 years old, and haven't figured it out yet....

[Zerohero]

Sometimes the same crap happens to me man. There are more people who do things alone, than what you think. Maybe you should use that time to learn more about yourself.

 

Think about it man, you could be working out, studying something you always wanted to study. Heck go buy you a nice new PC, and play some online FPS with me.

[lonelyfish]

I'm with you on the feeling alone thing!! I have felt alone in the past when I was single but nothing like after my relationship ended. The weekends are the hardest especially with most of friends either married or in relationships. It really sucks. I know I need a change and have been thinking of moving for quite some time. I actually have an interview for a new job this week so maybe things will work out and I can be excited to start anew someplace else and meet a lot of new people. It certainly will help take my mind of my ex.

[perseverance_rules]

ediefy, it never fails. When I go through those thoughts of being alone, and hate that feeling, I always end up sooner or later finding someone. Sometimes when I least expect it, someone that had their eye on me, or just a good friend comes into my life.

 

Use your time alone to figure out yourself again. Be at peace with being alone....youre only physically alone, remember that. Plenty of people think about you, and love you. YOu WILL find that someone to be with, and share with, and all that. I am 20 years younger than you, but what I have found in my short life is that no matter how bad I think it is now, later on I will find myself thinking of these days and being happy that I was comfortable with ME by MYSELF. Relationships ARE about compromise in a sense, but when things change in a relationship you have to remember how you want to feel, what you want, and all this comes out and comes to memory from when you were "alone". Hope you understand where Im coming from.

 

From my last relationship I remember telling myself, "I like my life the way it is, if something good comes from this, then great, but if things arent too great, and not worth going forth, I will end it." Sometimes we get caught up and forget that we were fine before we found this person. Ediefy, I say to you that you need to find out what makes YOU happy, and be happy being alone first, then find that someone. Dont be in LOVE with being in LOVE.

 

SEe ya soon, hope its wakes ya up a bit...I know it does me when I think of things like this.

 

PR

[gesssho0o]

Rion, hope you update soon! Just came accross your thread today and have been wasting time at work reading ALL of it! How are things going?

[ediefy]

perseverance (and others who replied with support)-- thanks so much for your messages. i find it and i lose it and i find it again. my balance, i mean. i was in an 11-year relationship in my 30s and 40s, with a man who proved to be untrustworthy and unfaithful. when we split up, i spent the next 4 years alone, and was really fine with it. i didn't even think about finding someone new--i went back to horseback riding after 25 years of not doing it, i took myself to the movies, i hung out with friends, i worked hard. i felt pretty good about myself.

 

and then i got lonely, tired of entertaining myself so much. tired of so many nights at home alone, so many mornings waking up alone. and i got involved with an old boyfriend shortly after 9/11 (as many people did, oddly enough). and i found that it was hard to maintain my balance when i was in a relationship. duh. of course it was easier when i was alone. none of those "couple" issues came up, ever. suddenly, though, with that relationship, i was right back where i'd been before the 4 years on my own. that relationship didn't work at all, and neither did the next one, or the one after that. and now i just finished one more (maybe--but that's another story), and it just seems like most of my adult life has been spent without a partner. certainly, i haven't had real romantic love in my life for at least 8 years, and that's a long time. it wears on you after a while.

 

so. i am doing my best. i am trying to get out and make new friends and take on new projects at work. i try to get exercise every day. and i try to be grateful for all that i do have, instead of getting depressed about what i don't have. but as grateful as i can be, there's still that lonely place, always, just beneath the surface. if i could figure out how to surrender to it, to stop fighting it, believe me, i would.

 

and how are things in your world, perseverance? time for an update!

[Juha]

Ediefy I understand what you are going through...

 

I never had a problem doing things by myself, ever...

 

I liked my time with myself but now after my last breakup I feel

so lonely as we did so much together and with other people

it jsut does not cut it for me...I feel so lonely now...

 

I will be out doing whatever and think I would rather be with her

instead doing anything but what I am doing...I have been going out

with friends and being more active and even dating but it just does not cut it

anymore...I loved being with her and doing things together that no matter what I do and who I do it with I just get sad some times....

 

Sometimes I don't care if I wake up the next day if it means I have to be alone again...I also don't want to jsut have someone with me to just to be with someone, I have done this before and I see to many people who would rather have someone than actually want someone...

[phillygal]

Honestly, i don't think there's anything you can really do about having that lonely feeling. I understand what people mean when they say how lonely they are without their ex or how they wish they had someone to love. I mean if you really think about it, that's why we are here on this earth, to find our soulmate or to be with someone we love. What would be the point of living 20, 30, 40 years if we didn't have someone by our side. I've been single for a year, i've gone on dates,etc... and i'm tired of it. It was fun when i was younger, but i think when you know what you want and that you are ready for a serious relationship, then it really sucks being single. I also get tired of waking up everyday alone, going to work, coming home, watching television, maybe go out to a bar and then coming home once again to an empty house. Its hard, and you can tell yourself you're happy being alone, you can tell yourself how much you love yourself and that you don't really need anyone else, but deep down you're lying to yourself. I think many of us, just accept our feelings of loneliness, but we're not okay with it. Let's just be real about how we really feel.

[patience]

Let's just be real about how we really feel.

 

here here!

[Zerohero]

This is a very good point. Basically what I've been saying for a while to. You can be happy about being alone, but I don't want to live alone forever...

[perseverance_rules]

well ediefy you asked for an update.

 

Well Jen and I have been on quite a few dates, and go for lunch quite regularly each week. I did finally make that trip to her place to meet her son and hang out. Was a very nice time. Her and I can talk for hours about pretty much nothing. her son seemed to really like me...which is a great thing. We plan on hangin out this weekend together, and having some drinks and basically unwinding from a very hard few weeks before the holiday traps us with the families on that "not so great" of days...most of my holidays are spent damn near hiding in another room waiting for the day to end...LOL. anyhow, Im having a hard time reading Jen...I mean, I know shes interested in me, but by how much and which way Im sort of confused. Every time we leave each other she makes sure she gives me a nice kiss and hug, which is good to get whomever it is right? But my thing is that its been awhile for me since I have pursued a woman, its usually the other way around for me in the past...honestly I have only pursued three other women in my life,...just worked out that way I guess. Hopefully her and I can talk about those things in the future, because basically I dont want to seem too interested even though I am, but I dont want to play games with her either. I want to make sure she realizes that Im into her, and I think something great can come out of it...but do you all think that if something great is going to happen then it will, and theres no point in rushing things...? She has her stuff together, great career, nice home, all the things Ive been wanting in a mate, and here it is, now I dont want to ruin my chance with her without her knowing how much I am into her...sorry about the ramble, just tryin to get my point accross.

 

Hope the days get better for you ediefy!!!!!! Many kisses and hugs to you!!

 

Rion!!! where you been bro,...get your butt on here and post that youre doin alright

 

PR out.

[ediefy]

perseverance--sounds like maybe you could talk with Jen about what you're feeling/where you'd like for the relationship to go, and see what she says. it doesn't sound like you're in a huge rush, and that will probably come accross, which is a good thing, since you don't want to put unnecessary pressure or tension into the friendship at this point. Clearly, she must like you a lot, too.

 

As for me, I am doing better, but I don't trust it, because it's based (at least in part) on the fact that the new guy has shown up again. Did the standard post-breakup mistake of sleeping together last weekend--it was nice to be with him, and we always have a good time together, BUT every single bit of advice I've ever seen on the topic advises against it. However, we've decided to start dating again, kind of a new beginning. If it falls apart, it'll happen a lot faster than it did the first time around, but we also know a lot more about each other now and may be able to do a better job of bridging what seems to be kind of a cultural/philosophical divide. We'll see. I may be back here crying my eyes out by next weekend...

 

RION??? Where are you? Where have you gone? We all want an update!!!

[rionmccloud]

Heh. Lots of new faces it looks like. Sorry it's been so long guys. Got a little busy with life. And there's really nothing new to report. Me and Sarah are getting along well, she's coming over tonight in fact. My feelings have sort of changed on this type of relatinoship. I don't feel like a wh*re anymore. It has not, however, changed what I feel for the ex.

 

She asked about that today too. I didn't want to tell her. I probably shouldn't have, but I did. It seemed the right thing to do. She quickly logged off of AIM. I wrote an email apologizing for not lying when I knew it would hurt her. My phone rang about a minute after I sent it. Damn me, but I couldn't not pick it up. I still love her despite it all, and she was in pain. Pain that I caused.

 

She said she didn't think it would hurt this bad. I had a great I told you so moment there, but I just said I'm sorry. I explained how things are inside me. On the surface it's all about sex, but it goes so much deeper. It was supposed to cut the last thread that was tying me down to the past. Our past. But I'll be damned if that thread isn't made out of titanium.

 

And yet again, knowing all of this makes no difference. We had talked earlier, and she made mention again that she wishes she could make herself feel a certain way. I know she means it, but at the same time it hurts really badly still. I don't know what she thinks about me now. I'd hate to think she thought badly of me. That would hurt the most.

 

On the plus side, maybe today she learned a little bit what it felt like for me. Maybe she'll understand things a little more. Somehow I doubt it. She'll forget in a week.

 

Sorry it's been so long between posts. They blocked this site at my work, and when I'm home I'm pretty much sleeping. I'm still alive, and welcome to the new readers. lol Maybe I should syndicate this thing.

 

The pain passes, but the beauty remains-Pierre Auguste Renoir-

[perseverance_rules]

Last night I hung out over at Jen's for the evening. I wasnt going to stay the night, but she offered for me to. I obliged. I almost felt that she wanted me to stay in her bed to see what would happen, and then again, I wondered if I should put a move on her. I read the signals, and they all went towards not doing anything with her because her son was in the other room, and that the next night her and I were to go out and her son would be away at her moms house. Well that night came tonight, and she went out with other people. Almost pissed me off that she told me the other day that she couldnt wait to get out and have a good time since it had been awhile, and she invited me to go out too. Yet tonight, I get a call from her saying her friend had called her and invited her out to a bar accross town and she had a little too much to drink already. I almost think she doesnt think Im interested in her too much because I didnt try anything with her last night, but I didnt feel like it was the right situation, and just took the cuddling and spooning as a good start. Well now my mind is racing over this now, but Im probably looking too far into it??? She could be seeing someone else and not knowing who she wants to date? Now I feel obligated to talk to her about US, and what Im looking for and see how she feels about that. I had a feeling that she wanted me to take control last night, and make the moves, but I didnt and now I feel like maybe she thinks im not too interested....dammed if you do dammed if you dont...seems the way to me right now.

 

PR