Diary of a recovering exboyfriend

[SexySadie7]

Whoa, good god....

perseverance_rules

 

"One main thing is that she was in love with my best friend, and she was the best friend of my exgf. My friend she was in love with and I have talked about me dating her. He tells me to go for it, maybe it would get her off his back. I know that sounds harsh, but she has constantly said she would stop talking to him, then BAM, she calls him and they "hook up". She calls me in the mornings to ask for advice, she calls me late at night for the same thing."

 

If one of the reasons you'd might want to get with this girl is to help your best friend "get him off her back" then I'd definitely not recommend getting together with this poor girl.

Sounds like she's been thru enough & if she gets wind that was one of your reasons to get with with her, she will be majorly pissed off & hurt big time!

Your friend sounds like a true jerk, "Sure, come screw this girl so she'll leave me alone"! meanwhile he's still bedding her himself, if that's his line of thinking, you need a new circle of friends, imho.

[ediefy]

I had one of those days yesterday where the ex was on my mind all day long. Just missed him, a lot, even though I know it'll never happen with him, it shouldn't happen with him, I don't really want it to happen with him, etc. It's like losing a limb and still feeling pain in it at times. It happens less and less often, but when it does, it really twinges painfully. It was a beautiful day, and I went for a walk on the beach. And wished he was there with me. Even toyed with calling him, just to get that final conversation out of the way. (But didn't, and really didn't even come close to doing so, thank goodness.)

 

This is such a long process. Knowing that he's thinking of calling me is part of it. But I also know there's no way he's thinking about me as much as I think about him, which makes me irritated at myself for being so stuck in some recesses of my heart. Patience, patience, patience. And more patience. But it's still so frigging sad sometimes.

[perseverance_rules]

Well I was waiting for some more to be added to this post, but didnt see any. So...I thought Id share more of whats up with me if you all dont mind.

 

Last night Melissa and I went to the Arts and Crafts festival here in Indianapolis in the State Art Museum. She brought her two oldest children (8 and 11). We had a great time at the museum and afterwrards she took us to a Japanese Restaurant. During our time at the museum I helped teach her kids how to behave themselves in a very classy place, an art museum for that matter. I appreciated the two looking up to me last night. They appreciated that I was helping them and teaching them about history and art, and how to kep their hands in their pockets as to not naturally want to touch anything...their best lesson!...LOL

 

At the restaurant later that evening the chef who cooked in front of us called me BIG DADDY...the kids laughed, and Melissa laughed, but I actually felt ok about it. Her oldest child's father is in prison and has been his whole life. Id really love to teach him how to be a better 'man'. he has that super whiney attitude and needs a man in his life to "strengthen" him. She teaches him all the time how to act, and what not to say, how not to act, but its really hard for him being the only male in the house. If nothing else, I can really be a great influence in his life as far as that goes...I mean, nothing wrong with having a single mother to raise a young boy, but sometimes he needs a male figure there to toughen him up, and separate his feelings from that of the females in his house if that makes sense. Melissa cant stand how wimpish he acts, and how easy he cries over nothing.

 

We had a great time at dinner. On our way home we stopped to pick up her youngest daughter at the sitter. She was estatic to see me. We got to Melissas house and she didnt want me to leave. When Melissa and my friend stopped talking, her youngest daughter grew hatred over him. As I left her house her daughter gave me the biggest, most cute hug Ive ever had by a kid...made me feel so great. I loved that, shes the cutest thing...as most kids that age are, shes 4.

 

Melissa and I stood at her garage and talked for a few, and said how great a time it was, and I soooo wanted to tell her how I felt, but didnt want to ruin the mood of just friends having a great time. We hugged and I left. On my way home I had the hugest feelings for her and wanted to call her and tell her that, but I left it at that.

 

I think Im falling in love with her. And she hinted all night about me and her, but I didnt really pay any attention. I recognized it, but kept my guard up a bit. shes really special, but I cant get myself to say more than I have. All in all, i hope to do more of that soon, regardless if anything happens between us. What I am worried about is not seeing her much at all if she finds someone else. I know Ive given advice about this, but dam its so hard to do it myself, especially given the circumstances.

[rionmccloud]

Make a date. Tell her how you feel.

 

'Nuff said.

[rionmccloud]

My weekend was pretty good. Got a paycheck. My son spent the night Friday, and Saturday we went to breakfast with Grammy. That would be the ex's mother. She's okay. I know she likes seeing my son, and since we were in the area I asked her to come along. It helps she paid. heh heh It really was nice seeing her, though.

 

The rest of Saturday was okay. Ex got mad at me again, as expected. She brought over some things from the house I've been meaning to get for a while. The computer desk and chair. This is heavy stuff, so she asked if I wanted Shawn to help. I said no, and she got mad. She'll just never get it. We talked about it later and I let her know someday I hope I am okay with things, but that's not now. They may get married some day, and if they do I hope things are better. I'll never like the guy since I never have. But at least I can be okay with things. I hope.

 

I talked with Sarah, the girl online, for a while yesterday. She wanted me to come over to her place. I wanted her to come to my place. In the end neither went anywhere. I had nothing but the best intentions, promise.

 

She's really cool, though, and I would like to meet in person. If nothing else happens she's a fun friend to have to talk to, and that's just fine with me.

 

Other than that nothing really happened this weekend.

[rionmccloud]

Today I almost feel like a bit of a scumbag. Sarah, Emily, and Amy are all girls I'd like to date.

 

Well, I'm talking to Emily and she asks about my weekend. I don't want to say "Well, I was talking to another girl online all weekend, and unfortunately we didn't get to meet up. I think she's really cool, and would like to date her." What I said was "No hot dates ot anything." She said she had none, so I offered that we should go out sometime, and provided she's not a serial killer she might get to second base. She thought this was pretty funny. So now she wants to meet up sometime before that date to see if I'm a psycho killer. I'm not psycho anyway.

 

So I'm talking to Amy today and she asks the same thing. Again I say nothing, despite having a pleasant time chatting with Sarah. Amy's flaky but insists on getting together sometime.

 

Sarah's just cool as hell, and I like her alot so far. Hopefully we can meet sometime soon and decide if we can stand each other in person ot not. Then who knows. We just have a lot in common.

 

There are things I really like a lot about all of these girls. Sarah is cool as hell, witty, and funny. Not too bad looking either.

 

Emily is a really cute biochemist, and smart as me, if not more. I really like intelligence, and this makes her so much hotter than the average lady. Plus she knows the answer to life, the universe, and everything. And if you know and live close to louisville message me sometime. lol

 

Amy is just plain hot. She's not so smart most times, but it comes off cute as hell. I love the way her freckles are scattered accross the bridge of her nose. We always laugh when we're together, and again she's hot as hell.

 

So as you can see, they all offer things I like a lot. I would love to date them all at some point, but I feel like a bit of a sleazeball because none of them know I'm talking to other people. I shouldn't feel that way, because I'm not dating any one of them, but I do. Guess since I've never been in a situation like this it just feels wrong.

 

Being with one person for almost 8 years really has long term effects, ya?

[perseverance_rules]

I know how you feel Rion.

 

Im in a similar situation, and have been before this too. My thing is this: if you are just dating then its just friends. If you are sleeping with one, dont sleep with others. Plain as that. Date whomever you want, remember, its like a friend thing. YOu dont tell your buds that you cant talk to them because your other bro is coming over do ya? Seems weird to think of it like that but it helps.

 

Just remember, if you sleep with one, then contact with the others as you knew it should cease, and then the honesty of "being" with someone should be out, but not in detail....you never know what happens down the road, plus Im sure they dont want to hear about the details anyhow...plus you may be with one of the others down the road too, and hey its not wrong, you were honest....best part about it is if they dont know each other...honesty is key, but only devulge what needs to be, the truth without giving too much detail.

 

 

[rionmccloud]

Yeah, I hear what you're saying, and that's been my plan since I even thought about dating again. I'm definitely not used to so much female attention. Never had this much in my life.

 

I just am in awe of how life works out. In high school I was so lonely. I dated a very bad girl. She was a liar and very bad for me. She broke up with me, and I thought it was the end of the world. I was 16. Then the ex came along. I was so happy, and it lasted for many years. There were ups and downs but overall things were good and I would never have my wonderful son without it all. Just before the eight year anniversary, amidst talks of marriage, I was dumped and learned what real heartbreak was all about.

 

I waded through the muck for several months. Dating Caroline helped usher me along that path to recovery a little quicker. Feelings for the ex, however, persist to this day. Despite this I'm trying to juggle three women in my life.

 

I have only really dated two people in my whole life. I have slept with two people. I have kissed only 5 girls.

 

I'm working my mojo now on almost as many women as I've been involved with in my life. See why it's a bit daunting?

[perseverance_rules]

Well Melissa and I talked last night. Things went over VERY well. She has stopped speaking to my friend for well over two weeks, and is wanting to remain friends for a good reason. Her and I talked about the possibility of us getting together in the future. She told me that she had thought about it for months now. This is what made me feel so much better. After the ex and I split up she told me that she wished she had met me first before her but that isnt the way it happened but wished somehow we could be together in the future.

 

Well, she told me that she truly wants to be my friend first and foremost because she has a great time with me, clicks with me in every way, and feels most comfortable around me moreso than anyone in her life in a long time. I was totally flattered about hearing that. This weekend we have plans to go to a poker party and hang out there, shes never played poker and wants to learn texas hold em. (i know its such the craze now huh, didnt think cards would have trends).LOL

 

So basically we are going to play things by ear and see how it goes. As far as dating goes, thats what weve been doing in her eyes, and she likes it that way...as far as anything else?...Well, she thinks maybe its too soon for either of us, but totally looks forward to it happening if it does.

 

SO now that is off my chest, I feel so much better. Damn I hate that word love. But its impossible sometimes to stop it from happening if its true huh?

[rionmccloud]

Well it's about damn time man. Frankly I was getting tired of hearing about it.

 

Seriously though, congratulations. I'm glad to see you took that step. See what can happen when you take chances in life? Good things happen, but not on their own, ya? Got to poke life with a stick to get it moving sometimes.

 

I was talking to Amy tonight. She is apparently displeased with her boyfriend. Did I mention that yet? She has a boyfriend.

Anyways, she said he's nice sometimes, but they argue a lot over nothing. I'm not trying to break them up, but I asked why she's with him still. She said she wants to try commitment out, since she's never been in a committed relationship before. I pointed out that's fine and good, but that doesn't mean stay with someone that doesn't make you happy all, or even most, of the time.

 

I don't know, I guess I just feel like maybe giving relatinoship advice of that nature may seem shady. And I'm not exactly the best person for relationship advice, given my failed one. I like Amy, and I try to help people when I can, so I'm really being genuine about it all. Should I just keep my nose out of it?

[rionmccloud]

I noticed a bald spot today. My hair has been thinning for nearly a year, that I've noticed. This is no surprise, but I found a bald spot. Just one patch on the side and back. Looks as though a big chunk was pulled out. This does not make me happy. Why should I care? I tell myself, but I do anyways. Oh well, that's aging.

 

I was speaking with Emily today. She is the cute biochemist. We will try and meet tomorrow for coffee. It's supposed to be pretty chilly so coffee will be nice. I'm looking forward to it. You form a picture of the other person in your head beyond the photo. Much like reading a book, you assign a voice to this person. You also assign facial expressions. You build the person in your mind based on what you gleen from discussions and their photos. It will be interesting to see how close, or far off, I am.

 

Possibly Saturday I could meet with Sarah as well. That I'm really looking forward to. I think she has the most potential for anything longer than a few months. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think so. Just a feeling, but I trust those more than anything else.

 

Needless to say I'm just hoping to get out and do something. And that neither will notice the patch of hair I am now missing. I wonder how long it's been like that? Wish somebody would tell me these things. I'm not too upset just annoyed at this new hair raising twist in things.

 

Amy says she'll call. Again, not holding my breath. Going with the flow, seeing what comes along.

[rionmccloud]

I had coffee with Emily today. I think my preformulated pictures were pretty close, but I was wrong about hand gestures. I thought she'd use more of them. lol I won't hold it against her.

 

It was quite pleasant, and I think she enjoyed it as well. She said she did, and she's the type of person to say what's on her mind, regardless of the feelings of others. Much like me. We talked about a lot of things. I especially liked hearing about her job. Science and math have always interested me, and it's nice to find someone that feels the same. She has a smile to kill for too.

 

It was funny, I got to the coffee shop and I thought I saw her. I wasn't sure so I ordered my coffee and sat down. I waited about ten minutes. Didn't see her walk in. Kept looking at the girl I thought looked familiar. I didn't want to make an arsse of myself to a stranger so I waited a little longer. Still no show. Finally I walk over and say "Emily? Right?" It was her. I still felt like an idiot. lol She smiled and I was positive. definitely eye catching. She's much cuter in person. I can only hope I made a good impression in person.

 

The end was weird for me, though. It wasn't a date, really, and I'm not sure proper etiquette when departing. I walked her to her car and said, "I had fun. I'd like to meet again sometime." She said "Me too." Then I stood there for a second. She stood there for a second. I said "Drive careful" and it was done. Kind of awkward for me. lol What would be proper in this case? It was almost a pre-date dry run to see if we'd be interested in a real date. So not really a date, but not meeting a friend for coffee. Handshake? Hug? What the hell do you do?

 

I might post this question elsewhere as well to see what people that don't read this think. I know what you're thinking "There's people that don't read this?" I'm as shocked as you are.

[caasiopia68]

oh well hopefully she didnt care too much about it-she shouldnt... well i hope all goes well with you and emily...

good luck

[rionmccloud]

Well... it was a good and interesting weekend. To say the least.

 

Saturday I was home alone all night, chatting with Sarah. Well, as things often do, it turned sexual. What can I say, it had been almost 8 months since I had sex.

 

Sunday night, she comes over, I call in to work, and it has now been about 12 hours since I had sex. I'm not sure if I'm a friend with benefits or not right now. All I know is that's one hurdle I had yet to jump, and now I have. Unscathed. I always said I wasn't sure how I'd handle it, but from what she said I handled everything like a pro.

 

And yes, I am bragging. I spelled it all out for her, let her know that if all it is is sex that's fine, for now. Eventually it could be very bad with someone becoming very hurt. I do like her more than just that. For now I think I can handle it.

 

It was almost surreal, to be honest. I have had sex with only one person for the last eight years. I know her body, and what she likes and doesn't like. I now know that it's the same for everybody, but with a little patience you can figure things out. But for as different as it was, it was still much the same. I'm not complaining, just pointing that out.

 

It was a strange and wonderful weekend for me. I do feel a little dirty, but I think I like it. lol

[perseverance_rules]

Right on Rion! Glad you could overcome that obstacle. Im also glad to hear you had that talk with her about "friends with benefits". I had that same talk with a woman I was dating recently too if you recall. Nothing is better than honesty in that situation ya know. As long as it was talked about, whatever happens later, no one will get hurt or pretend you were the bad guy, or she was that bad woman...

 

Keep the chin up man, good luck with that.

[rionmccloud]

Am I a sl*t now?

[rionmccloud]

I don't feel like I am. I thought maybe the day after, having time to sleep on things on my own, I would. I do not. I feel quite good, in fact. Better than I have in a long time. I'm essentially getting what I wanted here. I kept saying I wanted a weekend girlfriend. That's basically what this would be.

 

I think that if we both understand that's all it is then in the end nobody is to blame. We knew what we were getting into. Do I want love not just lust? Yes. Will I end up being hurt by this? Maybe. Do I feel bad, or guilty? No.

 

I don't know where this new path is leading me, but I'm glad for the journey. That is the most important part. Again, I've learned a lot about myself in a short amount of time. For that alone it's worth it. The only bad thing is I'm still sore all over. Worked muscles I forgot I had.

[rionmccloud]

Now i've really hit a mental dillema. It didn't occur to me until just now. There are two other people involved here, Emily and Amy. I've always said when I have sex with someone, that's it. But this isn't quite what I pictured in my head. I pictured dating, building emotions, then sex. Two steps are missing here, so it really changes things for me. I like Emily and am thinking of asking her out this weekend. Is that wrong? What do you guys think about this. Your opinions do help things.

 

Is it fair to everybody that would be involved if I had a sexual relationship with Sarah and dated Emily as well? What if that occurs and things turn to sex? Amy's not such a big player in things, but if she grows up a little that could change. What then?

 

Anybody else ever have to deal with this situation?

 

Unrelated but aggravating still, I had two Hot Pockets in the freezer at work and someone took one. If you're hungry and ask me, it's fine, but don't just take it! I really wanted that other one. It was good.

[ediefy]

Sounds to me like you've been very clear with Sarah. And, for all you know, the other women you're interesting in might have their own "friends with benefits." These days, sleeping with someone doesn't mean what it did some years ago.

 

I think so long as you're clear with Sarah about things, you can go ahead and ask Emily out. I'd suggest that you might want to hold off on sleeping with Sarah again until you do go out with Emily and see how you feel about it/her/the whole situation.

 

But, no, you're not a sl*t. The guy I'm dating now told me he slept with a good friend about a month after he and his last girlfriend broke up. They're still friends, but I know they're not sleeping together now. If they were, I wouldn't have slept with him (nor would I continue to do so).

 

(And good for you getting past that milestone without falling apart afterwards. Means you're moving on. Nice job.)

[rionmccloud]

Thanks P Rules and Ediefy. I'm glad to know I'm not a sl*t. Wonder why it filters that. Hmmm.

 

Well, I guess I'll find out soon. I may be going out with Emily on Friday. She's not sure if she's free yet, but she really seemed to want to go. I asked her to go ice skating despite never going before myself. Here's my theory. I will fall alot and it will be either A) It will be pathetic in a cute way, or B) it will be pathetic in a sad way. Either way I'm sure it will be fun.

 

She seemed excited to go so that's a good sign. I'm looking forward to it.

 

I saw the ex today and I didn't feel anything. I wasn't sad anyways. I think maybe I've hit all the steps I needed. Maybe sex was the last thing to break the chains that tied me down to the past. It raises many questions for me honestly, but those are very existential and quite open to interpretation. It was nice not to hurt. Not to yearn for her as I have in the past. I made many small steps before, but this was a giant leap in recovery. I've felt great the last few days.

 

Thanks again guys.

[rionmccloud]

It seems I always speak too soon. Just talked with the ex. Got a little misty eyed, so did she. We talked about various things that have happened. She still misses me. She still loves me. Maybe not as much as before, but she still does. I don't think this, I know it now. The new bf makes her happy, but he's not me. In a way that's good to know. In another I hate to see her upset.

 

Life's full of hard choices. And you never really know if you made the right decision or not. I think she sees this and feels it.

 

The date is off, btw. Oh well, maybe another time. My son can stay the night tomorrow, though, so I'll still have a great night.

[ediefy]

Yesterday, I went to the supermarket where my ex shops--after avoiding it at dinnertime for months (that's when he usually is there). I went with the new guy--felt strong and confident on the way there. Once we were in the store, though, I started to get kind of freaked out--what if I ran into him? (Haven't seen him since two days before he dumped me, back in May.) Suddenly, every guy in the store looked like him. Guess I'm still not quite ready to just run into him as I go about my life. It'll happen sooner or later--in some ways, the sooner the better, just to get it over with.

 

I will be so glad when this phase is over. Soooooooo glad.

 

 

 

You sound really good, rion. Realistic, and really good. The hardest part about not knowing about making the right choices is that you're not always the one making the choice, and sometimes it's not the choice you'd make, eh?

[rionmccloud]

Well, Ediefy, you've got tha advantage on the ex now, I'd say. Don't sweat it. Just imagine the look on his face when he sees you with the new BF. Likely a Kodak moment.

 

I guess I feel like this does nothing but bolster my hopes. I still lover her. I told her that today. I also told her how it scares me that 10 years from now I could be married, with another family, and if she came back wanting to try again I don't know what I'd do, even then. I will always love her, and that's the only certain thing. Unfortunately, that's not enough now. Maybe she'll come around one day. I hope she does. But again, I'm not putting my life on hold and waiting for it.

 

I have changed a lot. I think these changes would pease her. But that's her loss now, isn't it? I think it is. She cried on the phone with me. I cried. She's one of the few people to see me do that. She knows me better than I do sometimes. She is still everything I want and need.

 

Maybe if I keep telling myself it's her loss it'll help.

[rionmccloud]

Take my love, take my land

Take me where I cannot stand

I don't care, I'm still free

You can't take the sky from me

Take me out to the black

Tell them I ain't comin' back

Burn the land and boil the sea

You can't take the sky from me

There's no place I can be

Since I found Serenity

But you can't take the sky from me...

 

The theme song from Firefly. It moved me the first time I heard it. The words are nothing until you hear them sung by Sonny Rhodes.

[ediefy]

I also told her how it scares me that 10 years from now I could be married, with another family, and if she came back wanting to try again I don't know what I'd do, even then.

 

Yow. I sure hope this won't be the case. Don't get married and have another family if, at the time you're considering it, you still feel like you want to be with the ex. Think of your potential new wife/partner and your new kids. A commitment is a commitment is a commitment.

 

My ex's ex went off and married someone else, but still reaches out to him through contact with his kids (she talks with them about him, and they pass it on to him). If something ever happened to her marriage--divorce or if she became a widow--my ex would be there in a New York minute, as the saying goes. Which essentially puts any woman involved with him in a pretty precarious place, in terms of her own emotional health and life choices. He never got over her, and doesn't actually seem to want to. You're sounding kind of like that in this post.