Diary of a recovering exboyfriend

[rionmccloud]

Take my love, take my land

Take me where I cannot stand

I don't care, I'm still free

You can't take the sky from me

Take me out to the black

Tell them I ain't comin' back

Burn the land and boil the sea

You can't take the sky from me

There's no place I can be

Since I found Serenity

But you can't take the sky from me

 

The theme from Firefly. Great show. This song moved me a bit. Helps when you hear it.

 

[rionmccloud]

So I love Christmas, right, but I realize that so many Christmas songs I love are about happy couples. Kind of depressing. Then there's Blue Christmas, Home for Christmas, so many others that are lonely. Kind of sucks. I don't even have a tree up. No lights. Nothing. I want someone to drink hot chocolate with. I want to cuddle on the couch and watch A Christmas Story, my favorite holiday flick. Build a snowman. Walk through the snow holding hands. All that mushy crap.

 

I find myself just desiring companionship. Female companionship. Friends are nice, but it's nice to have someone to care about who cares about you. I have my son, and that's it.

 

I've been talking to Caroline at work more. I'm thinking of asking her out again, but I'm not sure if I should. We went out twice, and it went well, but then I didn't say anything for the last several months. I really wasn't in a place then to try a real relationship. I think I am now, and I really like her. She's fun, funny, and attractive. But I wonder if she'd say yes. It's not the holiday loneliness, either. I really don't feel all that lonely these days. I guess I'm just used to this rut now. I really do think I'm ready to date, and have realistic expectations of something long term.

 

On the negative side, I wonder if the thinning hair is looking too bad. I think it looks okay, but it's really one of the few stresses I have that really bugs me right now. Oh well, that's life.

[rionmccloud]

Trustworthy female friends at work say my hair looks fine. Just needs some "product" in it, and a little tousling.May try that someday.

 

So, I'm reflecting on things the ex has said about, and that I've gleamed for myself, the new BF, and he's a real *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED*. She's over here to pick up our son yesterday, and she stayed and we talked for probably no more than 15 minutes if that. As she's leaving her phone rings, and it's the new BF. Asking if she's still here. Apparently he wanted to see her for five minutes before he left for dinner with some other people. I asked if he was mad, and she said yes, he already is. He denies her sex, saying he's not in the mood (apparently on meds making him limp, which is understandable) then she finds porn all over his computer. He keeps saying he'll clean the mess out of the garage, and isn't. It's stuff that was moved over from the house, and there's so much they can't even park inside. Our son apaprently "Drives him nuts" on the weekends.

 

Apparently he's just playing house. He wants her and the benefits of that, but none of the hassle, like answering a three year old boy's questions and playing with him. His main concern is money. He's controlling, byt HER admittance. I just look at this guy and say, yeah, I see some of the stuff that I did wrong there, but then there's more that she shouldn't have to put up with.

 

They're out of the honeymoon and into real life now, and I think she's seeing the grass isn't much greener. And if it is, that's because that's where all the *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* gets dumped, as my dad would say. If that study I related to is true, then things should be winding down about now. Just a few more months before the levels return to normal. He's walking on pretty thin ice, and I don't think he knows it. I've seen this guy for what he is and warned her, which went unheeded. I think she's seeing I was right and he's not all she thought he was. If nothing else, her time with me taught that people don't change easily, and only if they want to.

 

I just want what I've always wanted and that's a last chance. I want this to be Rion McCloud's last stand. I want an overtime free throw that'll make or break the game. I think if I get that then I can walk away feeling like I did everything I could. It was a good game, but I lost, and that's okay. I could live with that. I need to see it before I can believe it.

 

I've changed so much in the last almost year. I can't believe it's almost been that long. I'm a much more positive person than I've ever been despite all of this. I think just reading this diary can show it. I look forward to the day I can say I'm happy again. Truly happy, instead of content. And I look forward to sharing that with all of you.

 

This is coming down to the wire. I just hope it goes into overtime.

[rionmccloud]

I love how it censors every letter, not just the whole word. lol

[ediefy]

Solo for the holidays. I have never liked it, probably never will. Had the last two Christmases and New Year's Eves with the ex--had a great time with him. This year will be significantly different. I've never liked New Year's Eve, but with him it was fun. We went to Quebec City one year and had two other couples over for dinner last year. This year he'll be celebrating with his new girlfriend. Sigh.

 

I had a date last night--2nd date with a guy who's nice enough but not my type (and he talked non-stop last night, which got to be pretty trying after the first 1/2 hour). Not going to see him again. Trying to find the right fit is a killer, especially when I had the right fit with someone who's no longer available to me.

 

I can only hope that 2006 is a better year for me than this has been. What a difficult time it's been since May! Feel lonely, but not completely a mess at this point. But geez, it's hard to find people who are sympatico. I guess the ex didn't have any trouble finding someone, though...

 

Chin up, single folk. Happy Festivus.

[SexySadie7]

well. i sent you a PM riomnclooud.. i actually saw the guy i was dating this week..

I took a walk and sure enough.. he was working outside in the area near where i walk...

I first felt pretty stupid and pretended i didnt' see him.

The next morning i went back there and just waved.. he waved back at me but i wasn't sure he'd recognized me.

When i came back from the walk.. i walked past where he was working and he called out my name and said hello!

I was shocked as i thought he was jsut going to give me the brush off.. I asked him if they had worked here last week and he said they didn't.. That he didn't have my number.. his phone got lost in his car..

Anyway.. he told me when he was getting off of work that day... and what motel he was staying at... to call him when he got off from work.

I was so happy.. it really made my day...

[SexySadie7]

well.. anyway.. i called him about the time he said to on his cell. He said they had had to work late and they had just got off work.. Meanwhile, i was showered.. almost dressed and had spent 2 hours cleaning my house in the hopes he'd come over.. ((sigh))..

he didn't sound half as friendly as he had in the morning.. maybe he was tired. but he just said he was going to the fast food place to get some grub and then take a shower.. He never invited me over or suggested we do anything..but he said he'd call later.

Then he's like..well. "i'm supposed to get off work early tomorrow cuz the weather is going to get bad early... really really early in fact.."

I could just feel a brush off coming... He NEVER called me back the whole evening, even though i left a message asking him if he could come over the next day after work and help me with my air conditioner...

And he never called me last night either even the though the weather WAS cruddy early... so he probalby did get off work early last nite.

I can't figure this guy out.. he's got issues. is all i can think and i'm just tired of being jerked around and playing his crazy head games.

If he wasn't interested why bother telling someone WHERE you are staying, WHEN you get off from work, and to call them????

Can someone clue me in on what this *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED*ing means.. unless it's some ego trip to him to think someone is intersested in him???

I mean.. does he think i don't want to see him again or have sex with him?

I really really did..i was so looking forward to seeing him again.. but now. .i'm thinking i shud probaby not even bother to get near him with a 10 foot pole if this is his bloody attitude.

I walked up again near where he works this mornign. i hope i'm making him nervous.. LOL.. i really don't give a hoot anymore... he's an idiot.

Part of me hopes that he doesn't even come back into town... i'm that fed up...

[pilot1ab]

Solo for the holidays. I have never liked it, probably never will. This year will be significantly different.

 

 

I soooo know how you feel. My ex dumped be in oct, and I spent thanksgiving alone. I am not looking forward to Christmas. I hate the holidays, because everything around you reminds you of how holidays are about being with loved ones. NO one is meant to be alone.

 

I am new to this board, but ediefy I have to tell you. You sound amazing. You have such a spirit about you, and I know you have an inner strength most of us desire. Over the last 2 days I have read every post on this thread, and it makes me feel like I can relate to all of you. I am a wreck myself (See my thread...lol), but I have hope in you. You are a very strong woman and emotional pain is never easy. Hope all is good for you. I pray for you, and god willing people will pray for me. Lets make it through these holidays.

[pilot1ab]

Sadie,

Dont contact this dude...He is totally playing games with you and keeping you on the back burner. I have known enough guys like him in my time, to see that he is just after one thing. Even if this guy goes out with you, can you trust him? Will he be faithfull? He is a damn jerk, and really let him go. He doesn't care. I feel for you, as your just looking for someone to care, but I don't think this dude is it. He isn't worth the time a lady like you has, right. YOU deserve better than that.

[SexySadie7]

ty pilot.. i did meet the guy who's friend with this guy i met last week whom i really liked.. He seemed like a standup guy.. And so i played pool with his band mate.. He is a musician too... I even know where he lives now. and his last name.. I'm so unobvious.. yeah.. right..

Anyway.. who knows if that will come to anything.. but i did like the guy... he was nice guy and NOT at all a flirt... Hell. i think this guy was fliring with two girls when i drove up to meet him a few weeks ago.. A player i hardly need in my life now.. i tell ya.

see y'all

have a good evening and ty for encouragement pilot.. i agree.. that guy is too much of a headcase for me!

[ediefy]

Sadie, Sadie, Sadie. Pilot is right--this guy is bad news and a total jerk. Don't go near him, don't give him the time of day. He's not worth it, not even vaguely worth it.

 

I do know how you feel, of course--had a fantasy about calling the most recent ex and inviting him over for a roll in the hay, but thought better of it, because I'd feel terrible afterwards, no matter how much fun it would be during the, uh, act. (He was totally great in the sack, I must say.) BAD IDEA. Glad I could see that before I even seriously considered it.

 

But the guy you've been telling us about is just playing games with you, and doesn't value you as a person the way you should be valued. I know, I know, why isn't there SOMEONE out there who will value you the way they should? Well, there is. You just might be looking in the wrong places or circumstances just might be working against you right now (that's my theory about my own predicament--and let me tell you, it gets no easier once you cross that 50 years old mark). You just have to have faith and hang in there and talk to yourself the way you'd talk to your best friend if she were in your situation. You deserve respect from everyone--most importantly, from yourself. Don't settle for less than that. We really do teach people how to treat us. (I ride horses, and the same is true with them. If you let them walk all over you, they will--because they can. But if you hold your own and command your own space and deny them that kind of power, they respect you and will treat you with some deference. It doesn't mean being harsh or using force, it just means being really clear and consistent and absolutely believing you have the right to be the one in charge of your own space.)

 

Thanks for the very, very kind words, Pilot. Made me smile. Welcome to our little corner of the online universe. Good people here, as you'll see.

 

I also hate the whole Christmas emphasis on being with loved ones, getting gifts for that "special someone" and all. Like Valentine's Day (my LEAST favorite holiday when I'm single), I just want to throw something at the TV when ads come on showing happy, happy couples sharing a wonderful time. I am very lucky to have my family nearby, so I don't have to figure out what to do with myself on Christmas Eve/Day, although New Year's is going to be a challenge this year. One day at a time, I guess, huh?

[perseverance_rules]

wow...as the days go by i realize how far ive come, and how lucky i am to meet back up with my lady friend from high school. shes really a great woman. honest, caring, takes care of herself and her child...and has a great career going, as i do myself. she has invited me to a lot of things that really line up things for the future with her and I. Christmas at her relatives, new years eve...weekend dinners with her and her son...Im truly lucky so far to be in this situation with her...I only hope that I can take things slow, and make sure I do the right thing, and hopefully things will turn out great. Its almost as if sometimes I make myself less available to her so she cant see that Im right there waiting for her...I hate playing games and so does she, but at this point I just want it to work with her...and not overindulge our fun too soon. Hang in there people. As good as I seem to be having it right now, its still hard for me to see the future at the moment, but just taking one day at a time is all one can do.

[ediefy]

Perseverance--I am so incredibly happy for you! How wonderful that you've got this in your life, particularly at this time of the year. She sounds like a great person and a good partner. I just can't tell you how much your story lifts my heart right now. It must feel great to feel like you're on the right track, with the right person, at the right time. Cheers to you!

[rionmccloud]

Congrats P Rules. Always good to see a recovery.

 

Ediefy and Sadie, yes the holidays are a horrible time to be alone, but there are plusses. Less to spend on gifts, more to spend on yourself. Never have to go to spend time with their family that you don't like much. No worrying if the other person is right for you. No wondering if they're cheating on you at the office party. And lots of other stuff. lol Always find the good.

 

Well, I think I mentioned a girl I knew in high school contacting me. If I didn't, then I'll say a girl from high school contacted me. We've been chatting online for a few weeks and met for coffee tonight. She's cuter than she was in high school, from what I remember. Infectious laughter. Level head. Insightful. Smokes, which is good because I do and she won't be turned off by that if I pursue anything. She's funny. I barely remember this girl from school, to be honest, but now it's like "Wow. Why weren't we friends then?" And she thinks I'm cute. lol Or at least she did in high school. I like to think I got better looking, but I could be wrong.

 

So I check my watch and it's time to go to work. I don't have to go tonight, as you all know my overtime is essential. She asked if I had to. And "Why not call in?" And I said, no i have to go. Being responsible about evrything. So I gave her my number with instructions to call whenever. It was awkward leaving for me, I wasn't sure if she was expecting a hug, handshake, or anything at all. So I did nothing, just said call me, waved, and left. Am I a bonehead?

[ediefy]

Not a bonehead. Just a good guy trying to wade his way through the maze. You have her number, right? So, call her sometime this week and ask her out for next weekend. And then see what happens...

 

(Nice hug next time. Kissing the date after that, if the hug goes well. You might even give her a little hug--but only if you feel like it--when you first see her next time you do. Friendly hug--not more than that, not yet.)

[perseverance_rules]

Thank you very much ediefy and Rion. I just got home from a very long evening at her place. her son is starting to act a little better when Im around. Im trying hard to point him in the right direction for her...sort of like that extra nudge for him. All he needs is a little male guidance, and hell be fine. he pushes her buttons so much at times just to get the reaction hes looking for...but most kids do huh?

 

I havent had to worry as much about how she feels about me..which is good. We havent spoken too much about past relationships, but she knows the jist of what went down with my current ex. She knows what I went through, and Im happy were taking things slow...because she wants the same thing out of this. Was nice to get those sexual frustrations put to rest...LOL...first woman in nearly 10 years Ive had to wait this long for,...but its for the best, and I respect her even more for that.

 

Talk soon people...things do get better.

[SexySadie7]

Well.. yeah. i agree this guy is acting like a bonehead who've i dated but i have a small problem so just giving him the boot and never speaking to him may NOT be an option.

We had sex.. and the condom came off somehow during the act!! Argggh.. great thing to happen with someone you sleep with the first time.. I swear i have the worst luck.

So.. now.. i can get all the STD test but i have to wait like 5 months (it's 6 months since exposure) to get tested for AIDS.

I DON'T want to wait 5 months to know if I've been exposed to AIDS... I may have to go into the hospital soon for surgery.. i don't know if i'm goin to be able to keep my gallbladder as i'm having attacks.

So.. now.. and please don't be judgemental (i've got enuf on my plate healthwise) how to I contact this guy and somehow convince him to get an AIDS test so i'm not sitting on pins and needles for the next few months?

I doubt if my gallbladder problems get worse if i will have LUXURY of waiting 5 months to get it removed. I had to go to the ER because of it a month ago..

I was thinking of sending him an e-mail... telling him i had to go back to get the STD tests done all over cuz i had them done too soon after exposure.

He DID want to know the results of that test... so maybe i was thinking that would be an incentive to him to get the AIDS test done...

Otherwise.. i was thinking, perhaps, I could tell him, i won't give him the results of my test until he gets an AIDS test.

He seems a bit concerned about the STD test ((sigh))... makes me wonder just what his sexual history is...

so... none of what i'm encountering is just.. oh.. well. i met a guy and he turned out to be a jerk.. think I'll institute NC and go on with my life!!

Wish it could be all that simple believe me...

Hell.. at least i got my period... i can imagine what a basket case i'd be by now with his attitude if i didn't.

Good luck with the new girl Riomncloud.. it's good too that you have a history with each other.. even through high school.

Yup, ediefy.. i know.. what you mean.. if you got an established sexual history.. doesn't it make it so much more easier to think about getting back with them again, even if they broke your heart?

Yesterday was a bad day... work went horribly... only goood thing that happened was that i ran into two new friends i've made in the last month at a local pub. That was cool.. we sat talking and drinking our drinks and smoking.. Yeah.. i'm smoking again.. thanks to mr.. well, "I'll call you when i get back into town"

I was invited to a party by some online friends tonite... it's a few hours away. but i've half a mind to go..

I've been so lonely lately...

[rionmccloud]

Well, Sadie, I think the "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" method is a good bet. Go with that. You definitely need to get a hold of him somehow. Leave a message. Email. Anything. This is a serious worry for you, and you should go to nearly any length for the peace of mind you need so much. Just do it soon so you can stop fretting over it.

 

P Rules, it's good to see you being level headed about waiting. Many aren't. She sounds like a nice chick.

 

Ediefy, it really wasn't a date. Not to me anyway. If it was I would have felt awkward and self conscious. I'm trying not to look at things like that right now, honestly. Yet, I found myself wondering if she'd call today, or next week, or whenever. We just have a lot in common, which is great. But I'm not looking at it like that right now. If she is, I'd like to know. lol I'm just trying to enlarge a group of friends. Several chicks have contacted me online through link removed, but I'm really not trying to date. Just making conversation and mayube meet new people.

[rionmccloud]

I'm going to meet Eva now. One of the chicas I mentioned messaging me online. Should be interesting.

[rionmccloud]

Eva rocks. She's really funny. And interestingly enough, she sings opera. Been meeting some rather interesting people lately. Still not clear on goodbyes though. I don't know, it seems I should be shaking a hand or something. Instead I just say see ya and go. I mean, we just met up because we were both hungry and I thought why eat alone. She is one cool chica though. Had a great time.

[chaos]

Where are you meeting all these women? I've yet to meet anyone.

[rionmccloud]

All online, Chaos. It's funny, cause you hit a dry spell then BOOM it starts raining. Actually, it's just like two chicas. One I already knew, and one I hope to get to know more. Before that was a girl who hates Gremlins, a country girl, and a punk chick who hates being called Goth. All are friends only, except country girl who I flung with a few times. Eva's the new chica, and like I said she rocks. Miranda is an old high school peer who also rocks.

 

Honestly, I just found a popular local site for people. Try searching for your city and mojo. Metro Mojo, I think that's the company, has these sites for major cities, I think anyway. I know louisville mojo isn't the only one at least. It's more like an online community than singles site, but as with anything of that sort singles flock to it to meet locals. All I do these days is keep the profile updated and see what happens.

 

Actually, I just looked and they're expanding, but not too far out of Kentucky yet. I'm sure there's something similar in your area, Chaos.

 

Sorry if it seems like I'm bragging. I just like to share. This is supposed to be a diary of sorts after all. Cheers!

[ediefy]

i am having a total meltdown this morning. i am so tired of being sad--seems like it's been forever. i am doing everything i can do to keep busy, make new friends, stay engaged in life, but it all feels like make-work, not real life.

 

i had lunch yesterday with a guy i met online--as usual, a nice enough guy, lonely in his own life, looking for love. and, as usual, it seems like it's not a good fit for me. i'm not _that_ picky, really. there's just a certain spark, a certain playful energy that seems to be essential for me to be intrigued--the last guy i dated had it in spades, and i loved that about him. too bad it didn't work out (more for his reasons than mine, unfortunately).

 

this is the kind of thing that could get turned around in an instant--someone wonderful could cross my path--and, as i've learned, it's also something that can be lost just as quickly. i seem to be willing to take the risk of losing it, but i have to find it--or even a hint of it--first.

 

why is my life such a solitary path? i haven't been with a truly present partner for nearly 20 years. some of this is the result of my own choices, but frankly, there haven't been a lot of opportunities. for a woman who is (i gather) considered to be a babe, smart, funny, loyal, generous, available, flexible, fun to be around (my former ex told his best friend that he never had a bad time with me)--why have i had so few choices/opportunities in love?

 

i'm losing hope, folks. the darkness this time of year seems endless, and is reflected in the darkness that is building in my heart and spirit. i have always been an optimist (i really have been, although it's probably hard for you guys to see), i've always believed that life is full of possibilities, but i just don't feel that way today. every day is just a trudge through trying to keep myself afloat as best as i can. i am tired of it. i am tired of being sad. i am tired of being alone. i am tired of having no one in the world in love with me, no one for whom i am that special someone, no one who wants to share my space.

 

it's not that i feel like a failure. i just feel like i am entirely insignificant from that perspective--invisible to some, not of interest to others (except for other really lonely people, who'd glom onto anyone just to not be alone--which is not what i want, nor what i am able to do).

 

a year ago, i was so happy. just moved to this new house, this new town. things with tom were great. i was getting to know people, getting into my new job, finally feeling like i'd found a home on the planet. now i'm feeling completely lost, very lonely, and i don't know how to change how i feel about my life, although i am trying everything i can think of, including surrendering to it and accepting that this is what my life is. not a happy place.

[ediefy]

So, a male friend told me that he saw the ex yesterday--and he looked terrible. Dishevelled, tired, a lot older. I must say that cheered me up quite a bit. Does that make me a bad person?

 

And, of course, in the next instant, there I was, imagining all kinds of reunion scenarios. Get a grip, girl! It ain't happening, it should happen, it won't happen, you actually don't want it to. I'm a little disgusted that just the thought that he might be unhappy with his current situation made me 1)smile and 2) start thinking like an obsessed whacko. Even if he is miserable, that doesn't mean he's thinking that he totally blew it when he dumped me. He's probably not even thinking about me. The schmuck.

[SexySadie7]

Wow, ediefy, you sound very down in this post. I'm not sure what to say, but things can only go up when you hit rock bottom right?

I'm not doing so great myself.. but i'm trying to stay busy and focus on my hobbies, and work as much as possible.

It's very hard during the holiday season too, isn't it?

All the commercials show fantasticly happy couples doing "together" things.

(sigh)

Why can't they show the down&out singles who sit in their apartments eating tv dinners and having no one for company but the family pet or a goldfish?

LOL... no... it can't be bad that.. there's got to be more singles out there who are looking for someone.

Has anyone besides Riomn tried the online dating sites. I visited your L'ville Riomn and must say it's an interesting place.

I'd like to find a local dating site... only a little older though. That seems to cater to the 18-25 year old crowd mainly.

how about 25-50? lol... gotta be someone online looking for wonderful women like us, ediefy.

Has anyone besides Riomn met some and dated them from online? I've made plenty of friends online but no one to date as of yet..

I'm a little sceptical as i have hard enuf time reading someone in person at times. let alone over a computer.

Well.. hope you are feeling better soon ediefy.

was this the same guy your friend saw that you said was so great in the sack?

I wouldn't beat yourself up.. it is a bit of human nature to be glad when someone ex isn't looking as happy as he led to you believe he'd be for leaving. Or maybe i'm mistaken and you left him. Which was it?