Diary of a recovering exboyfriend

[rionmccloud]

Meh. Life is what it is. It doesn't help that I'm feeling sick again. Just got over the damned flu.

 

It just goes back to the ex being one of the ionly people that can make me extremely happy and extremely sad in the blink of an eye.

 

She said to me the other day, we get what we want in life. I had to laugh. Do I get to be with the one I love? Do I get to live in the house we bought? Do I get to be happy again? No no no! We don't, becuase too many things are out of our control. because what she wanted and I wanted were different, i lose out on what made me happy. How's that getting what I want out of life?

 

But I'm just angry right now. I also have a head ache.

 

out

[ediefy]

Rion-

 

You have just had the worse holiday season. The frigging flu? Geez. Not exactly what people have in mind for holiday cheer. I do hope you're feeling better. I am so sorry to hear that you've had such a tough time.

----------

So, this may sound a bit nutsy--just bear with me:

 

I actually bought a set of motivational CDs--I've never, ever done anything like this before, but I was feeling really down and wasn't able to rouse myself from the negativity I was feeling. So, I've been listening to these CDs in my car and I have to say that I am feeling a lot more positive. Nothing's changed on the outside--in fact, things at work have gotten a bit strange and my job just changed entirely and they're cutting my hours. But I feel good. Yes, I'm still alone. Yes, I'm still doing the online dating thing. But I feel better, and I think that's making me look better, act better, be better.

 

One thing the CD program recommended was sitting quietly and asking oneself a Yes/No question that one might want to ask God/the Universe/Fate/Destiny/whatever. And then wait for the answer. I asked if I would have a true love/partner in the future. The answer came immediately--YES. So, if nothing else, it appears that I really do believe that it will happen. That alone made me feel more positive.

 

I don't recommend it for everyone--I wouldn't have recommended it to myself, in fact, but the CDs do seem to help. Hearing positive messages about oneself and starting to internalize the idea that that "thoughts become things" has made a difference.

 

In other news: had a date the other night with a guy who turned out to be totally conservative (I'm not). He even drove a Hummer, and I'm one of those people who frowns on that kind of environmental excess, although I'm not a total jerk about it. It was interesting, to say the least. He asked me out again, but I am fairly certain our core values are so different, it'd never work, so I politely thanked him and declined. When it's right, I'll know. Until then, however...

 

Got an update for us, Perseverance? Your story has given me a lot of hope, I must say. And Sadie, what kind of adventures are you having now?

[perseverance_rules]

hi ediefy! and hello to everyone else. I have came to the site quite frequently lately, but havent read many new things here that would make me want to write a new update...however, jenn and I are doing great, and things with us couldnt be better. The slight problem I see is that we are both a bit reserved about future things between us...which on the outside may look good, but Im still worried about things not working out for the future even though we are so compatible in everything. We are going out to see a band I follow here in Indianapolis tonight.I invited four of my friends out too, it should be a blast. My job is going so great I would have never imagined I could do so well in the sales business, and in Insurance for tha matter, but I guess I just have what it takes to warm up to people and make them feel comfortable. I was in the top fifty three months in a row in the company in sales ( there are 475 agents). That in itself gave me so much positive reinforcement about my future in this business as well as my own financial security.

 

With all that being said...I couldnt imagine myself being in this point 6 months ago when my ex and I split, and then I wasnt ready for anything. I dated around quite a bit, almost the rebound type relationships and the women I was with all knew how I felt, but felt ok about the friends with benefits thing with me. Looking back at that, I did gain a few friends in the process and am happy we were all honest with each other because once we broke off the "benefits" thing and met new people we saw something of a future with were still friends. My thing to get out of that mess was to just keep my head up and know that I am worth more than that, and to not let women step on me, and take advantage of the fact that I am a giving person, but NOT gullible by any stretch. I make sure that in the future with women to be upfront about how I feel about certain things, and that they will only get my giving attitude if they deserve it...if not...well you know what comes next...the door. So Im not going to be resentful and hateful towards women who deserve to be treated fairly, because its not worth the stress and headache...it never is.

 

My ex still works as the receptionist at my office, but the good thing still remains in that I have my own home office and I only have to see her once a week, and take calls from her from time to time. Its still hard to see her, but the feelings have long gone. I still love her to some point, but what we had is in the past, and Im glad i have met someone who treats me great, and never takes me for granted, Jenn is a different type of woman, and Ive known her for well over 10 years...and I think we both dont want to mess that up...

 

ediefy, I hope that you can surround yourself with friends and family, and get out from time to time so that you will meet that man who has been looking for you as long as youve been looking...when you find him you will know, and you will be a stronger woman having gone through what you have. Im sure it will feel like you have a metal wall up around you by then, but you will feel secure in knowing that you persevered. Just keep that word in mind, its a very powerful word, and thing in life...

[perseverance_rules]

btw i have been messing around with myspace...its a work in progress of course. So heres a link to my page, and my gf Jennifer is the one on my friends list.

 

link removed

[ediefy]

Perseverance--is Jen the one on the left in the photo of the two women? (They're both pretty cute.) Good for you!!

 

----------------------

 

I woke up in tears this morning--dreamt about the old ex. Had a date last night with someone who sort of knows him--and who repeated the general sentiment in town that "he's a great guy." NO, HE ISN'T. Anyone who dumps someone in email after an intimate two-year relationship is a SCHMUCK. I liked the guy on the date, but came home a little shaken, feeling somehow a bit exposed, embarrassed that the"great guy" dumped me, and sad once again that I have to even go through all of this indignity just because I really loved a guy who couldn't love me. I AM TIRED OF BEING SAD ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED 8 MONTHS AGO. I WANT IT TO STOP.

[perseverance_rules]

Yes ediefy, Jenn is on the left in that picture. And thanks!

 

I am tired of you being sad too ediefy...those guys out there have no clue what a catch you are...you have one hell of a heart girl...and I can understand why you are still waiting to find that one...you know what you want in a man and a relationship, and thats a great thing...once you find that you will be so happy...you will come back here after awhile and embrace the fact that you had to jumble through so many turds to find the shiny chrystal...youll find him, but its actually worth the wait if you think about it, you could be out there rebounding and rebounding...time after time putting yourself through hell, but from what im getting from you is that you just dont have the time to play with what ifs, youre out there to find what youre looking for...sometimes the problem lies with making too many qualifications, but if youre with them too long and you find out later on, it just hurts even more...i feel your pain hun...hang in there, youll hook the right one soon.

 

PR

[rionmccloud]

All's quiet on the Kentucky front, guys. Maybe that's a good thing, though.

[Virgo]

Later, at the park with my son, I called the ex to see if she wanted to spend time at the park as well. We could catch up a little bit.

 

Hi I read most of your conversations and are going through boyfriend breakup at the moment. What I cannot understand is why you think it is normal to spend time with your ex and the current b/f must think nothing of it. I understand what you going through but this is a bit much to ask from someone.

[Virgo]

[quote=ediefy

----------------------

 

I woke up in tears this morning--dreamt about the old ex. Had a date last night with someone who sort of knows him--and who repeated the general sentiment in town that "he's a great guy." NO, HE ISN'T. Anyone who dumps someone in email after an intimate two-year relationship is a SCHMUCK. I liked the guy on the date, but came home a little shaken, feeling somehow a bit exposed, embarrassed that the"great guy" dumped me, and sad once again that I have to even go through all of this indignity just because I really loved a guy who couldn't love me. I AM TIRED OF BEING SAD ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED 8 MONTHS AGO. I WANT IT TO STOP.

 

Ediefy I read most of your threads and have sometimes felt I wish there is something I can say to make you feel better or make the pain go away. I also feel that you are putting the "old" ex on a pedestal by always comparing others to him. He is not worth it! To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands. I know it is easier said then done.

 

I read the following: I'm Kept

I'm a "Kept " "Women" You, see, there were a few times when I thought I would lose my mind, but God kept me sane (Isa. 26:3)

 

At times, I've wanted to lash out at those whom I felt had done me wrong, but the HOLY GHOST kept my mouth shut (Psa. 13)

 

Sometimes, I think the money just isn't enough, but God has helped me to keep the lights on, the water on, the car paid, the house paid, etc. (Math. 6:25-34)

 

I'M BLESSED TO BE KEPT.

 

Sometimes I keep on asking the question why my ex preferred married women when I am free. This question makes me feel inferior; maybe I was not good enough, beautiful enough etc. This is the days when I move a step backwards.

 

The days I am moving forward I know that he was not meant for me, that I must be glad I am rid of him and also I know that the most wonderful man is waiting for me. It is just difficult to be patient. One day I thought I would go insane of grief and missing him. When I was very young me and a girlfriend use to close our eyes and open the bible at random to see if there is a message for us. This "desperate day" I did the same thing. I opened at psalm 147 where it says that God can heal your broken heart. I felt much better.

 

I hope you don't think I am preaching because I am far from being a preacher, but I personally have tried everything to get this ex out of my heart and mind. I have also read lots of stuff on the website on how to move forward. I am currently taking it day by day and hope that some of my written words will be of help.

[ediefy]

Virgo and Perseverance--thanks for your messages of support. I'm doing alright, up and down. Even though I know the ex (actually both exes) weren't the perfect fit for me, they were both far closer than anyone else I've met. Fun and funny, good-looking, sexy, smart, attentive, affectionate--I can't believe that it's been so hard to find other men who have some of the same attributes. I hate to sound shallow, but I do like men who take care of themselves physically and are somewhat attractive (without being totally into themselves in a negative way). Intellect also matters and is a critical part of the package. It's a sad situation out there in the world--I can find intellect without the physical package or the physical package without the intellect. My two exes had both parts, and that was great, while it lasted.

 

(And what is the deal with middle-aged men and motorcycles, already? I'd have to say about 80% of the guys online who are in their 50s have motorcycles.)

 

I'm 51, look about 40. The guys who are 51 look like they're more like 61, for the most part, and most of them haven't taken very good care of their bodies--they're nearly all overweight, most don't get any exercise, and they really look it. Not exactly something that makes my hormones start raging. And the ones who look younger are looking to date 38-year-olds, not women my age, no matter how good I might look on paper. But I just keep on trying, putting it out there, trying to stay positive as best I can, keeping busy with the friends and acquaintances I do have around here (not too many yet, but I'm working on it). I'm really not a snob. I just know that it has to feel right to be right, and so far no dice.

[perseverance_rules]

well ediefy,...ive always been attracted to women older than me...hehehe. Im sure youll find him, just dont beat yourself up if its not as quick as you want it to happen.

[Virgo]

(And what is the deal with middle-aged men and motorcycles, already? I'd have to say about 80% of the guys online who are in their 50s have motorcycles.)

I think you must stay away from those ones, they are still trying to find themselves/younger women unless it is a "real" hobby.

 

"I'm 51, look about 40. The guys who are 51 look like they're more like 61, for the most part, and most of them haven't taken very good care of their bodies--they're nearly all overweight, most don't get any exercise, and they really look it. "

 

Hi Ediefy

I agree with you, I am 42 and everybody think I am in my thirties … about 35. So the problem with that was that I've always ended up with younger guys.

I visited the gym yesterday and could see men in our age are over weight. Or maybe they just look like they are in our age group but are actually younger he he he!!! What is it with all this big tummies? I am not a model but at least try to look after my body. You must see their girl friends, bautifully built with no fat. I also checked the web for dating services and guess what, a guy my age want women from 24 till 35, but in most cases neglected their bodies. My ex was sporty build … so what now... must I settle for Mr. Big tummy because of my age?

 

This is really a problem.

 

Whoa do I sound vain?

[ediefy]

So, yesterday I spent some time with a friend of mine and the ex's. He told me that the ex isn't particularly happy with the new gf after all--says he misses the easy schedule we used to have for spending time together (Weds nights and most weekend nights, and sometimes one other night during the week if we felt like it). Guess the new gf has a child, around whom her life revolves, and it's not nearly as easy or convenient or flexible as things with us were. And they don't have sex as often as he'd like, although he admitted he hasn't brought that up with the new gf (typical of him not to discuss his issues with his partner).

 

The ex also mourned the fact that the three of us (me, the friend, and him) used to have a great time watching football together, and he really misses that. He thought he might get in touch with me about watching the next couple of playoff games, but my friend told him that he'd have to deal with me about the breakup first (he never really did talk it through with me--not that he'll have any opportunity to do so now, 8 months later).

 

It's interesting to see that what he's unhappy with is the inconvenience of the relationship. It's not that he misses _me_--he just misses the lifestyle. (So do I, frankly, but that's neither here nor there at this point.) Maybe he really loves this new person in his life, but my guess is that he's essentially incapable of truly loving anyone in real life. He has a rich fantasy life, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Once things get real, he gets dissatisfied and starts backing away, step by step. He's done it over and over again, with every relationship he's had.

 

The irritating part of this is that it makes me fantasize about him coming back to me, hat in hand, humbly asking for forgiveness and a revived connection. I would love to have him do that once I am happily in love with (and having a fine relationship with) someone else, someone far more wonderful, so I can look him in the eye and say, "No, thanks" nicely enough and not feel even a pang of regret. I'm still way too vulnerable at this point, so I hope he doesn't come back here anytime soon. I've done NC nearly completely since May, and intend to continue that without fail.

 

As for dating, I am still having 2 or 3 dates a week, but I realize that I just don't feel particularly sexual right now, so I'm not bringing any of that kind of sparky energy to these encounters, which may be part of why I'm not particularly intrigued by any of the guys I've met. Or maybe if I met the right guy, the spark would just ignite. Chicken or egg? Who knows?

[ediefy]

Weird dream this morning: cameos by a boyfriend from 10 years ago, my mom, my ex, and a kind of alter ego of my own--a very depresssed version of me that I was somehow protecting and trying to comfort at the same time. Various men were hassling the depressed me, and being kind of threatening. I did what I could to ward them off. At some point the ex turned to me, very pleasant, and said something like "one heck of a honeymoon, huh?" I woke up feeling totally weirded out and sad. Hate the vision of me carrying my depressed self around like that.

 

I hope you're all not so entirely sick of my ups and downs that you're not even bothering to read this anymore. As much as it helps me to write about it, it helps even more to know that someone somewhere is out there and cares, even just a little.

[perseverance_rules]

I check the board every day ediefy! Dont worry hun, Im still with ya! Im not doing peachy, but I feel good every time I read someones new update here.

[ediefy]

Found out tonight from a new acquaintance that my ex's reputation precedes him. The new acquaintance doesn't even live in the same town, but has heard of the ex, who, it turns out, has quite a reputation for loving and leaving 'em (and always breaking up with the woman, badly). Made me feel better and worse. Better because it is actually amazing that we lasted two years (usually it's more like 6 months with him) and worse because I didn't know that going in, and didn't pick up on it during the time we were together. Still miss the jerk, nearly every day, and yet he's such a huge jerk. What is my problem? Phooey.

[ediefy]

Well, I guess this space has become my own personal heartbreak blog. Go figure, eh, Ryan?

 

I was in the same room as the ex last night. First time in 8 1/2 months I've even caught a glimpse of him. It was at a small theater in town where a mutual friend was performing. The friend had warned me that the ex might be there, but told me to get over it and stop avoiding everything just because the ex might show up. Enough already. So I went. I took a date--a nice guy I've seen a few times. I explained the whole situation to the date, who was a champ about it (I gave him the option not to go with me, but he wanted to, so off we went).

 

We got to the theater about 3 minutes before the show started. Small theater, not very many people there. The ex was sitting in the middle of the front row (luckily he did not have his girlfriend with him), surrounded by friends of his. My impression was that he had a big smile on his face when he saw me, but I didn't look at him at all. The wife of the guy doing the performance came over to me and gave me a big hug and said (loudly), "Edie, it's so great to see you! It's been a long time. How are you?" I hugged her back and said I was alright, and we sat together for a minute or two, just talking like old friends. Then she went back over and sat next to the ex, and the show started.

 

I was actually able to focus on the performance, which was both fun and relatively short. It was a program of various songs of lost love and reminiscence--perfectly suited for me and the ex, I must say. I never looked directly at the ex or made eye contact. Just sat next to my date, watched the performance, and occasionally made a comment or two to my date. At the end of the performance, I went over to say goodbye to the guy who performed and then left. Didn't see the ex as I left, but I'm betting he saw me.

 

Went out for a drink afterwards with the date, and we had a nice time. He's an interesting guy--not sure we're a real match in the long term, but he was a good friend last night, and I appreciated it.

 

The friend who encouraged me to go to see the performance said ahead of time that when my ex and I saw each other there, it would push things one way or the other--either he'd decide he made a huge mistake and call me to have lunch or start rapprochement, or I'd decide it was really, really over and stop being so freaked out about running into the guy. I don't think either of those things happened, but it was a step forward for me, even if the actual event was about as interesting from the outside as watching paint dry.

 

This morning I woke up and found myself wondering if I should have looked directly at him, caught his eye, had some kind of communication with him (verbal or non-verbal). Not that I had anything in particular to say--or maybe it's that there is so much more hurt, love, and anger to express than just one look or a short conversation could begin to communicate. But then I remembered what a total, cold, unfeeling jerk he was when he broke up with me and just afterwards, when I asked him if we could just talk to get some closure.

 

I did just fine last night. I hope the ex thought I looked great and felt at least some pangs of missing me and the life we had. I hope it was and is excruciating for him. The jerk.

[ediefy]

And tonight, of course, I'm a little freaked out about the whole thing. Heard from the guy who was performing that my ex was bummed out and uncomfortable during the performance after I showed up. Good.

 

And yet I am so sad about it all. Why did he throw it all away? We were soooo good together, and he was happy, or at least he sure seemed to be. Even if he came back to me, it would never work out. How could I even go into his house again, knowing that he has been with someone else there as a couple for the past 4 or 5 months? They probably made love on the slipcovers I made for his couch, for crying out loud.

 

What an awful situation this is. I hate it hate it hate it hate it. And still, somehow, seem to love him. The jerk.

[gradle]

i know how you feel.

i thinkhe's a jerk too!

just think of all the new things you've done and bought without him, and say, well, he doesn;t know that i've done tihs, or bought that now....he's an idiot, and slowly you'll realize you'vehad just as much of a life without him as he's had wiuthout you,

even if it's hard to swallow if you two were to get back otgether....

[ediefy]

thanks for your message. i was beginning to think that i was posting to "e-all-alone" not "enotalone."

 

the difference between our experiences these past 8 1/2 months is that he is now with someone, and has someone to talk to, make dinner with, sleep with, wake up with. i've been dating, getting out there, etc., but haven't met anyone with whom i've really clicked. i'm lonely. he's not. he may have an empty soul, but i have an empty heart and an empty bed. and, if his current relationship doesn't work out (and it won't), he'll find another woman to be with in no time at all. since he's always the dumper, he never dwells in the house of heartbreak. he just discards the current one and moves on, seemingly without much thought or concern for the woman he's just left.

 

he is a jerk. i just have to keep reminding myself of all the ways in which he's proved it to me, over and over again, since the breakup.

[gradle]

he is a jerk,

and you have to believe that some day this will all catch up to him, and know that you're a better person than he...

just keep doing what you're doing, leave yourself open to other possibilities, although it is really hard when you're still so hurt, i understand, i'm the same way. i think you're doing great and i think that you're a perfectly normal wonderful person.

[perseverance_rules]

when we stop and think about it, how happy are we really, even when were in a "good" relationship. Right now, I feel that I have found someone that is truly special, but like I told her in so many words, I dont know what the future holds, only that Im happy right now. I have those thoughts of feeling like I cant leave my guard down now because things could fall so quickly back to where I was a few months ago before we got together. Even when things like they cant be better, I still have those thoughts of thinking am I doing the right thing?...and I with the right one?....no matter how you look at it, once youve gone through a rough breakup, you always have those negative thoughts...even if its someone special. Its the way it is...remember to be happy with yourself. Life is so much better than to be living it only to be with someone...when someone sees that radiance of happiness, others are attracted, then its easier to pick and choose which one of those are good enough for you. Dont let the ball always be in someone elses court...keep the ball yourself and hog it...

[perseverance_rules]

oh ya and another thing ediefy...even though you still love your ex in that way, and keep saying you wouldnt want that with him...you have GOT to stop talking about HIM....talk about YOU!!! youre stuck in this rut thinking about what hes doing, and feeling so depressed without him. If you dont let go of that without him and move on to being happy, I dont care how many dates youre on, it wont work....sorry if I seem so blunt or not caring, but it only going to help you...youre stuck in the rut and youre never going to come out of it if you dont break the curse of thinking of him and what hes up to...

[ediefy]

perseverance--you are absolutely right. i was doing so much better about this before christmas. that was really my downfall on the road to recovery.

 

thanks for the straight talk. i already asked our mutual friend not to talk about the ex with me, and i have promised not to ask him questions about the ex, either. i'm watching the superbowl with people completely unconnected to any of this. i'm having a bunch of people over for brunch that day, too--my first solo party here. and i just started an evening class in a nearby town, learning something new. i am making all the right moves, but you're right, i also need to be thinking the right thoughts. thoughts do become things. i'd rather think the good ones.

 

thankyouthankyouthankyou

[perseverance_rules]

wow, it looks as if this thread has died... How is everyone doing? Better it seems because no one in the circle is posting much anymore. give us an update....and ill post mine.