Diary of a recovering exboyfriend

[SexySadie7]

Well.. thanks for the encouragement.. at least you guys are always kind in your approach.. I started a thread under dating, now i wish i hadn't.. I got a really harsh person posting in the last post sort of feel like slitting my wrists after last comment..

I STILL haven't heard from the guy I slept with last few weeks.. Will i EVER ever figure guys out???

I don't think so.. sometimes I think i shud just chuck it all. either jump off a bridge or forget about dating totally. No one, i repeat, No ONE ever seems to be into me for more than sex lately.

I know SO TOTALLY what you mean about looking for love Riomcloud.. Hell, I could of found a F**k buddy months or even a year ago... that's no problem.. It's finding someone to have an emotional connection with that is SO So hard to find. Is it me?

sometimes i think it really is.. i'm too old.. or ugly.. or too out of step with everyone else around here..

Don't mind me. i've had 2 or 3 glasses of wine and i'm feeling very meloncholy here..

I was just wondering, Rioncloud.. why don't you feel any kind of emotional connection with Sarah? I'm not being judgemental here, really I'm not.. Just curious..

I know what you mean.. there's just some people you feel a sort of instant connection with on a mental/spiritual basis and some you don't. Do you know what i mean?

But now i'm feeling a ton of rejection here.. I mean. why in god's name say you are coming into town.. then don't even bother to call.. why even bother to say you are coming into town period if you aren't into seeing that person again??? It just doesn't make sense to me...

Aw.. life juust sucks sometimes, doesn't it? my dog & cat are chasing each other around the living room. They are such a stitch.. I would give my eye teeth though, right now, to have someone to actually share my life with, not just my bed..'

 

Well.. looks like i don't even have the bed thing anymore (sigh).

I don't know what to do.. this time though. i'd really really like to end up with my dignity at least.. If he's never going to call me again nor see me.. then i'd at least like to end it with some kind of e-mail where i'm having the uppper hand.

what do you think? send an e-mail.. or an IM.. he seems to answer or keep in touch with his IMs at least!! (sigh).. This so so sucks lunch.. Sorry censores. but this is just the last thing i flipping needed.. I need a punch in the arm, ego-wise.. not a knock down, take out...

At least my last lover called me after we made love!

Oh crap.. maybe i shud just end it all.....it's never gonna get any better.

[ediefy]

Sadie--please don't do that--"ending it all" is, as they say, a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

 

I know very well what it feels like to just have men be nice to you until they get laid a few times (or even just once) and then have them very cruelly move on. (Sorry, guys, maybe women do it, too--I've never experienced it from your side of the fence.) That used to be my situation a lot in high school and college. And even a couple of weeks ago, when the guy I had been seeing and I renegotiated seeing each other and I thought we were being exclusive--and then I found out we weren't AFTER we made love--I felt like I was 16 again, and a big fool. But I found my dignity even in that and wrote him a letter that told him that I was not interested in being intimate with a man who was pursuing other women, and if that's what he wanted to do, then bye-bye and don't let the door hit you on the way out, buddy! I was proud of myself, even though I was cursing the universe because that was the kind of person he turned out to be.

 

I used to let men get what they wanted because I needed their attention and the physical contact so badly that I didn't care about damaging my self-respect. (All deeply psychological, in terms of why I was so needy.) At least now I know how to draw a line in the sand and say, "I won't go past this." And it came from knowing that since I will be spending the rest of my life with at least one of us (me), I'd really like to respect myself, because I am a good, kind, and worthy person. Until you reach that point with yourself--knowing that it's better to be alone than to damage your self-respect--you're going to keep running into guys like that and getting used like that. They're jerks, no matter how good they may look on the shelf. Don't bother trying to lure him back or find out why he did what he did. He doesn't deserve your patience or your understanding.

 

If a man loves you, nothing will keep him away. If a man doesn't love you, nothing will make him stay (for more than getting laid, that is). That's just the way it is. We women go out of our way to put ourselves in the paths of men who don't appreciate us. I don't know if it's a societal thing or if we're just genetically coded to act like idiots, but we can stop it when we're ready to. But you're going to have to do it until you're done doing it. I know now--but it took me, oh, 40 years. Hopefully you'll be smarter (and luckier) than I was at your age.

 

In the meantime, you might want to listen to Lucinda Williams' song, "Those Three Days." The chorus goes:

 

Did you only want me for those three days?

Did you only need me for those three days?

Did you love me forever

just for those three days, baby?

 

It's a good song to sing along with when you feel blue about this kind of stuff...and it's got a nice big cuss word right in the middle for emphasis, which always feels good when you're sad and a bit angry--just let 'er rip.

 

Please hang in, Sadie. You guys all got me through a tough time just a few days ago--and I'm doing a lot better now, even though circumstances haven't changed. Proof that one's state of mind is not necessarily all that connected to what's really happening, in some ways.

 

I hope you all have a great weekend. Keep in touch, whether there's any news or not, huh?

[goodquestion]

Hey Sadie,

 

I read the last two posts here (didn't have time to read the _entire_ thread, lol), and thought I would throw some ideas out here ... take it for what it's worth ...

 

ediefy mentioned that women always seem to throw themselves at jerks/users, I think the reasons are:

 

1. these guys come off as confident

2. a lot of women want them, so others do as well

 

it's the whole challenge thing. The sad thing is, a lot of the time, these men have _no_ confidence if it is really boiled down to something important, like dropping everything and moving at almost a moments notice, or taking a brutal risk when the chips are down. Usually these guys shrivel up and die when the favours are called in. But, appearing as an over-confident extrovert can do wonders in the women department.

 

Unfortunately, a huge part of society contains good men, that unfortunately do not have enough self-esteem, did not have a good male mentor, and/or were just never taught how to exude strong masculine qualities. So they come off as wimpy. Sad state of affairs.

 

The whole thing of being used for sex is a terrible abuse of trust. Not wanting to sound puritan, but maybe it's worth resisting granting that priviledge until the guy has really earned it (whatever that is for you). I think people demand this too easily in today's society. If he won't stick around because you won't put out early on, you have developed a filter to repel the guys that are only in it for that. Then you can move on without being used. I have no delusions that this is easy ...

 

_Try_ to evaluate things without allowing feelings to enter the picture. If over the space of 2-3 months of seeing someone, if three red flags (whatever they are, trust your intuition) enter the picture, then move on.

 

Keep your head up ...

 

later, peace

[rionmccloud]

Hang in there Sadie, and don't hit the bottle too hard. Drunk dialing is no good at all. lol However it can be, at time, hilarious. GoodQ has good points in there for everyone. Sex is definitely something that should be earned, but not in a negative connotation. Not puritan, I think, because it shows that they're interested in more than just that. True, today's society does make many people feel like it should be given up at the drop of a hat, but that doesn't mean it's right for everyone. Face it, if we're here we're the people that need more than that.

 

Ediefy, don't sweat it. We all go through it. Part of being human. Learning from these things is all we can do, really.

 

As far as emotional attachment to Sarah, I guess maybe there is a bit. But that mostly comes from the need to feel affection. I do like spending time with her, and we always have fun if you take out the sex, but she's really not my type, nor am I hers. I'll probably be ending all that. It's really not me. I've learned what I needed to out of the situation, and for that it was indespensible. Experiences make us who we are, so I have no true regrets about things.

 

I've been talking to Caroline again. We kind of just stopped for a while, but we are speaking and I may ask her out again sometime. I find it harder these days. I feel like girls won't want to just say yes to someone they hardly know, and then there's the embarrassement of a no. Quite traumatic.

 

I did have a girl I knew in high school contact me recently, which was cool. Brought back memories of that time, some good some bad. Always interesting to catch up with people. I looked back through some yearbooks, and it's amazing how different I am. I couldn't even grow a beard until I was twenty. lol I had a baby face, and I was so thin. This girl is Miranda, but through the course of correspondence she played a game, letting me figure out who she was. lol It was interesting. So I asked "Did I have a crush on you? Or did you have one on me?" So dumb, but in the end she said no. She did however think I was cute. lol I needed that. Maybe see if she wants to get coffee sometimes. She's more my type.

 

Hang in there, guys. And remember the point of all this is tolearn and grow. We've all been through some of the worst things that can happen to an individual, and we can make it through all this stuff too.

[SexySadie7]

Thanks for the words of encouragement. You guys are the best. Hugs to all who answered me. Yeah.. i was feeling really down last night.. plus really drunk... Luckily I didn't drive into town like i had planned!!

I ended up just falling asleep.

 

Well.. I did meet a nice guy the other night at the local pub.. I'm like so BAD at letting a guy know I like him if he doesn't act all aggressive to me at first.

He's talented, even plays the same instrument as me, is rather cute, isn't a flirt, doesn't seem to be a heavy drinker, He**, he was drinking water at a bar, so that shows he's got self control.

Did I mention the guy I'm dating likes to drink alot? No.. i know i didn't, but that's probably part of the problem, not that gives him a reason to be a shi&head.

The nice guy I met at the bar, he came up to the table where I was talking to my friends a couple of times throughout the evening. Heck, he even lives in my town!!

But I'm not certain he's at all interested in me. I'm an idiot, I really am.. I can be friendly as all get out to a total stranger, but if I dig someone I have no clue how to act, to let them know i like them. Me & the cute guy went outside once to get air and he was talking to me there.. that was pretty comfortable, but at the end of the evening, we both walked outside together and I didn't know what to say....

Maybe he liked me or then again, maybe he was just bored, there weren't very many women in the place, (for a change, usually it's like a sorority party in there, ...

I don't know. i'd love to date a guy like him.. he's talented, not a flirt, isn't a boozer, has got his act together...

This other guy... i don't know what to say..

I just sent him an IM, asking him why he's not called and to CALL me, not to IM me...

I also have a small or large dilemma, depending.......

I am not sure how to tell this..but gosh you guys have told me practically your life story..

 

well.. we were discussing STDs before we had sex.... the guy I've been dating, not the guy I just met the other night.

 

I told him I had had all the STD tests done and they were all clear. I also told him I'd not had sex since the tests and it's been long enough to know i don't have anything.

 

He told me it was 2 years ago that he had STD tests done.. and he's been with his ex about 6 months ago... i think it was unprotected sex, as they'd been together a long time then just got back together for that time, or so he told me. Supposedly she lives on the other side of the country. He suspected her of cheating, that's why they broke up.

Anyway.. long story short.. we are making love... and after awhile, we find out the stupid condom has come off!!

This is not a good scenario in my mind.. I don't know this guy well.. I'm trusting his word and this condom to keep me safe..

I said that i wanted him to go ahead and get another STD test since it'd been so long since he'd had one & THE CONDOM BROKE.. He said he would at the time.. but a few days later when we talked via IM he said he was TOO BUSY to get it done before turkey day.

well.. we were supposed to get together before then, so I asked him if he could go ahead and do that before then. Besides, it takes about a week to get the results anyway.

He was really rather rude about it, and said if I was that "paranoid", then maybe we shouldn't see each other until he got it done.

I said that was completely messed up, i was insulted, i tell you... it was like, to me, he was trying to say.. well. i can't see you unless i know i'll get sex out of it.

He didn't come out and say that, mind you, but it seems to me that was his mindset when he said we shouldn't see each other til he got the test done.

Anyway.. now this guy is like not even calling me.. how on earth do i get this guy to get a test for AIDS?

I just think he's being totally irresponsible in the way he's handling this!

I know, from talking to my doctor, that you may not show antibodies if you catch AIDS for up to SIX months!! I sure don't want to wait another 6 months before sleeping with someone if i find someone I really care about.. I'll never do this scenario again, i can assure you.

But too.. i really don't want to risk someone else's life either by sleeping with them, if this guy has some STD!

I could easily let this guy go.. but this is really bugging me.. I told him on an IM a few weeks ago that I had gone ahead and had another STD test done just to reassure him i was clean, cuz it had been more than a year since my last test.. He was pleased i'd had that done, cuz he thought it could show he didn't have anything! But that is really not the case at all.

I've asked my doctor about that.. he is the one who needs to get the test done.

 

Damn these stupid condoms.. How on earth can you have safe sex with them if they fail on you?

That's why it's so important to know your parnter and go have test BEFORE you have sex.

Course that hardly does me any good now... I feel like such an idiot!

I don't know what to say to this guy Riom to get him to get a STD test.

I'm starting to get really worried, maybe i am being paranoid, but he wasn't too eager to wear a condom in the first place....

 

This is a delicate subject enough, without the added strain of a guy who's not even bothered to call me once since we slept together.

I told him before we slept together I was definitely NOT into the one night stand or casual sex thing. He said he wasn't looking for that either..that he wasn't like other guys, but hell.. it sure looks like this has turned out to be a one night stand to me!

I'm fed up... I'm going to take your advice somehow ediefy and at least give him a piece of my mind.

Hell. at least my last lover was like calling me every single day... even after we had sex!!

This is nonsense... I am not just going to let it slide.. I need some closure for a change... I need him to get this test but if he won't do that.. i'm at least going to give him a piece of my mind.

[perseverance_rules]

Hi Sadie. I want to make this short, but without being negative towards you. If the guy you were sleeping with hasnt called much, and isnt interested in taking the time to get tested for you, then hes not worth it, and he pretty much summed up what he would be like in the future....hence no future there with him. Hopefully you had a good time with him in the sack, and let it be just that. He shouldnt be on your priority list if youre the one making all the calls and contact.

 

Secondly, the guy at the club you met sounds like a good guy by what youve stated. And he definitely dont sound like he was taking up what he had to offer...have a little more class, and a little more self-esteem towards men, and youll go a long way. remember, if you seem like the one that is hard to work for, they will do the work to get you if they are worth a darn. If its too easy to get you to do something with them, chances are, theyll take what they can get, and move on, knowing that maybe youre not so respectful anyhow...its all in how thet men perceive you that counts in the beginning. Theres a lot more I want to say on this, but I think you should go with the flow and not look for anything long term right now, I think what you need is to have fun, and be careful doing it. Youll know when the time is right and when youve found the one worthy of your company.

[SexySadie7]

Thanks for replying Perseverance. I'm a bit confused about something you wrote in your post though:

"And he definitely dont sound like he was taking up what he had to offer..."

 

I'm not real clear by what you mean by that.... could you explain perseverance? I wasn't offering anything, I was just being friendly, not overly so.. I never behave in a trashy manner when I got out to a nightclub, it's just not me, but I do appreciate the advice. I do think I behave with class.

"have a little more class, and a little more self-esteem towards men, and youll go a long way."

One thing I'm curious about and forgive me for my naivety.. i'm not in my 20s, so things have changed big time since i first started dating.. Guys didn't generally treat you like dirt if you slept with them soon after you met them. Most of the time you ended up being their girlfriend.. but now, things are so different in the dating world.. It's like a kiss of death if you sleep with someone you are attracted to within the first few weeks or even a month of knowing them.

Yes, goodquestion, it IS hard to be celibate or to wait til the "time is right", whenever that is.....

I guess what i'm wondering is if I make it hard for them to sleep with me.. then you are saying they will respect me more and not take me for granted. Is that correct?

And don't get me wrong.. I never, ever, take a guy home with me i've just met in a nightclub.. I'm much too cautious for that..

I mean.. how many dates does it take before the guy WON'T take you for granted if you get it on with them?

Is there some magic number? Are 6 dates too soon? 10? please tell us.

Geez.. who makes up these rules? Please clue us girls in.

Obviously we are doing something wrong.

I've know this one guy for about a month and a half now and we only kissed once.. but he still calls me a few times a week.

I do agree it's good to take things slow.. but gosh, it's so hard to do sometimes.. We have hormones too you know. LOL

Well.. sorry for hijacking your post riomncloud.

I think my main problem isn't really self-esteem, it's just plain being lonely. Course being horny too doesn't help you make logical choices sometimes either.

I know some guys have a thing about how long they will wait til they call you.. It's like they've got some rule book on women we aren't privy to..

Aw... it's all so confusing.

[polaris]

Is there some magic number? Are 6 dates too soon? 10? please tell us.

Geez.. who makes up these rules? Please clue us girls in.

Obviously we are doing something wrong.

 

LOL, I can understand your frustration. It isn't always like that. I once slept with a girl the first time we met, which wasn't really characteristic of either of us, but we then went on to have a relationship for a couple of years. I never once felt any loss of respect for her because of how open she was on our first meeting. If someone thinks you're too easy, and I freely acknowledge many people do take that approach, I wonder if they're really after a relationship with you anyway? If it were me, what you did or didn't do early on wouldn't significantly change what I thought of you as a person, which would determine whether or not to have a relationship. So have some fun, and satisfy those hormones if you so wish . Don't feel guilty, and don't worry that you're putting off serious, long-term potential partners, because I'm not convinced that you really will be.

[chaos]

Well, there is the "third date rule", which basically states that if she hasn't slept with you by the third date she's not going to. For women, I believe it's waiting until the third date to sleep with him. I'm guessing the logic is that by the third date you've either decided you want to be with this person or you don't.

 

I'm by no means saying to follow this "rule" as every situation is different, but... From what I understand it's pretty commonly known. Having never really "dated" the only three women I've slept with (all of which were or became girlfriends) I don't claim to be an expert.

[SexySadie7]

Don't feel guilty, and don't worry that you're putting off serious, long-term potential partners, because I'm not convinced that you really will be.

 

Well. i really don't feel guilty.. I just feel hurt that by sleeping with him he's gotten the impression i'm some sort of nasty skank of a woman and not worth his time anymore....

And what's sad, is that is so far from the truth.. I NEVER sleep around, ever.

He!!, it'd been more than a year since I had slept with a guy before this. I hardly think that qualifies me as some sort of wh@re.

I don't know. .i'll never figure guys out.. i swear.. They always say they want us to be more open sexually, then when we are, we are like punished for it. They start doing this withdrawing thing, & act like they just plain don't care.

God I just don't know how to flipping act anymore.. I really really didn't want a one night stand.. I told him that straight up.

But, anyway.. so if you sleep with a guy after the third date, you are considered a nasty skank by him, or he thinks that is normal & still respects you?

To be perfectly honest, I NEVER really got why a guy wouldn't respect you after you made love with him. It's not like you are doing something awful to him.

It just makes no sense to me.. what what do i know? I'm just a girl. You are doing something really pleasurable and enjoyable and he's got to disrespect you for THAT. It's what HE wanted too, wasn't it??? lol

And if the girl does sleep with the guy after the third date, she's considered normal or a bad girl?

I'm still confused.

And why the heck are people following all these arbitrary rules anyway? Can't we make up our own minds when it is or isn't a good time to be intimate with someone?

I'm not one for following the crowd anyway, never was, but I also don't want to be used for following my heart either.

And another thing i don't get is his last message to me was very friendly.

I mean.. if you don't want to see someone why even bother to send them a message you are going to be around in their town? It just doesn't even make sense, ya know? I live in a very small town.. even if he didn't call me when he got here, there's a huge chance I would just run into him anyway.

Why clue someone in you will be in the same town they live in if you have no intention of wanting to see them?

Don't mind me.. i'm just in a very confused depressed mindset right now.

[chaos]

Ok, here's the deal with guys. Most guys want the woman he's with to be a virgin. Maybe it's an ego thing, I don't know. The thought process is something like this, if she'll sleep with us right away, then she'll probably sleep with anyone right away. Most guys don't want the mother of their children to be a s-l-u-t. Nor do they want to have to worry about that woman sleeping around on them, STD's, etc...

 

When guys say they want women to be more open sexually they mean one of two things. One, they just want to be able to sleep with more women and two, they want the woman they're with to be more open to trying different things in bed. There's an old saying, a man wants a lady in public and a s-l-u-t in the bedroom.

 

Just to clarify, I'm mean no offense in what I say as it's not directed towards you. This is simply what a typical man wants and thinks regarding women.

 

Here's the key, focus on one guy at a time. Get to know that guy over a period of a month or so. Not necessarily going on "dates", just hang out, talk, get coffee, catch a movie, whatever. Give it up a little bit at a time, a kiss goodnight, make out a bit after a date, whatever... (NO ORAL!). Then, after x a mount of time, if you're both still interested, then go ahead and have sex.

 

You'll find that the guys only in it for sex will be gone pretty quick, to hell with them, they're not worth a second thought. And that doesn't mean to do that chick thing where you obsess over the guy you didn't have... God that pisses me off!!! Sorry, anyways... Not only will the guy respect you and feel that he's had to work for it, but you'll know he's either REALLY patient (unlikely!), or actually interested in you(more likely!).

 

Plus, when that guy inevitably asks how many partners you've been with, it won't be some huge number that'll scare him away.

[ediefy]

Sadie--in terms of when to sleep with a guy, how to act, etc. Don't act at all. Just be. Be straight with these guys, trust your instincts as best you can. When in doubt, sit it out (i.e., wait and see). (I like the "3 flags" idea--even if they are just small cautions in your own mind, they're well worth listening to.)

 

If you can, don't let your need to be loved get in the way of what your best interests are in the long run. I know it's hard, but it's doable, and, if the guy is really interested in you, he'll wait. They will wait, they will pursue, if you don't capitulate. And if they don't, forget about them--they're not worth it. I think you sound like a pretty reasonable person, so long as you don't let yourself drink too much, which can negatively effect anyone's judgement.

 

Have you ever noticed that the people who seem to value themselves the most (often in a quiet way) are the ones that everyone else wants to be around? I'm working on being that person.

 

A cruel trick you could play on the jerk who won't get tested would be to tell him that you got tested and you have chlamydia (or however you spell it). That'd get him to the doctor, for sure, since it is highly contagious, yet can be treated with antibiotics (unlike HIV). Maybe then his doctor would get him to get tested (and he never has to know you didn't have chlamydia, either, since it doesn't necessarily get transmitted, even though it sometimes is).

[perseverance_rules]

Well Sadie, Ive been dating a woman that I knew in high school, and was even attracted to her then, but I had a long term gf at the time. Its been 12 years since we last spoke...when we saw each other at our high school reunion a month ago, we knew we should get together. I gave her my number and told her how I always had an eye on her. Well to make it short, weve been dating ever since, and I still havent had sex with her. Weve been out probably ten times, and I have even slept in her bed twice. One being last night, after my christmas party I invited her to. We messed around, things got hot and heavy, but she wanted to wait. Im not sure if it is that shes nervous, or that she has always rushed relationships with sex so often, and dont feel its right yet. Were very attracted to each other in physical appearance, and personality. I think she may be the one for me to be with for a very long time. Probably every woman I had been with in the past 5 years has given it up within the first or second date. I didnt think of it then, and didnt have a disrespect for them because of it, but looking back on those women I was with makes me appreciate the woman im with now...shes making me wait, and shes making herself wait. Truly if it were me just wanting sex, I could make a phonecall and get it. Not to be egotisical or anything, but I have a few women that would definitely be with me that quick...and that is what I dont have respect for in the long run. I am attracted to this new girl for more than just sex, so I know it will come around, and be that much more special between us, not ruining the friendship weve made thus far.

[SexySadie7]

Chaos, i'm not being disrespectful, but are you serious with this post?

"Ok, here's the deal with guys. Most guys want the woman he's with to be a virgin."

Maybe it's an ego thing, I don't know. The thought process is something like this, if she'll sleep with us right away, then she'll probably sleep with anyone right away. Most guys don't want the mother of their children to be a s-l-u-t. Nor do they want to have to worry about that woman sleeping around on them, STD's, etc..."

I can well understand that a guy doesn't want a woman who sleeps around in this day and age, cuz with AIDS, herpes, and HPV and those type of diseases around, it's just playing with fire.

I also don't want a guy who sleeps around for that very reason.

But the thing is, I DON'T sleep around... okay.. maybe I slept with this guy too soon, but he didn't seem like the type to just want casual sex.

Okay.. i guessed wrong.. or maybe he's got this double standard in his head too.

Anyway.. never mind being the mother of some guy's children, most of the guys around don't even want a real relationship, or to have you for a girlfriend anymore!

Whatever.... i kind of agree with Polaris.. if the guy feels that way about a woman who sleeps with him quickly, maybe it's his issue, not hers.

I just don't get why he couldn't think that she really dug HIM, not a thousand other guys, and that's why she slept with him so quickly.. Must be a common thread in the locker rooms is all i can guess.

Well.. i do only concentrate on ONE guy at at time.

Gosh.. i am getting the feeling here that you all think I'm a who$e or something.. Nothing could be further from the truth.

But you know guys.. we still get lonely and we still have hormones and a sex drive too.

I hardly ever get to meet someone near my own age, that's my problem. Most people are either married or living with someone around here.. so there's a shockingly sad number of eligible guys out there for me to date anyway.

If i didn't live in a rural area, maybe things would be different, if i lived near a big city, there'd probably be a plethora of eligible guys to date, but the fact is I don't.

I've tried the online dating sites.. but never really had any luck with that..

Besides i'm not too comfortable with trying to judge someone online.

It's hard enough in real life to do so, with body language.

Ediefy.. I had to laugh when I read your post.. Yeah.. i left him an IM saying he had to call me, i'd something very urgent to tell him! lol

Let him think what he wants... if he doesn't contact me soon, i could always tell him something like that.. I really hate to play games though.

God.. dating sucks nowadays.. it really does.. I just hate the thought too of being all by myself during the holidays... heck, my birthday's coming up.. i'll probably end up spending that alone too....

[chaos]

Like I said, I wasn't accusing you of anything. You wanted to know how guys think and that's the thought process they have. I'm sure no one here thinks you're a wh0$#. Nor was I saying it's women's fault. There IS a double standard in our society and honestly, it is the guys problem not the woman's. Unfortunately that doesn't change the rules of the game. Maybe the problem is you're meeting guys in the wrong places. Going to bars and clubs is a great place to meet a one night stand, not a good place at all to meet a potential partner. There's a reason they're called "meat markets". Trust me, there are plenty of guys who want a real relationship. However, a lot of these guys are probably insecure, shy, and/or don't know how to talk to or approach women. I'm one of them, so I should know. There's probably guys in your life right now that would be willing, you just gotta look closer.

[SexySadie7]

I'm sorry Chaos, I wasn't trying to reply in a harsh manner.

It just astounds me that still, in the year 2005, the double standard exists in so many men's minds in this country!

It IS hard to meet a good guy.. If i knew where to look, I wouldn't still be single.. But you are right.. so many cool, NICE guys ARE shy!

Like I said in my earlier post.. I just met this guy who seemed really nice.. but you know....it's hard for us women, we don't want to be the one to approach them or seem overly forward, (because we can't read them to start with & we don't want to risk rejection either). So it's very difficult to know if the shy ones just plain don't fancy us or are just being shy!

 

Maybe some of the shy guys here could explain how a girl can recognize if a shy guy likes them and what to do about it to encourage them to ask US out?

[SexySadie7]

And Perseverance, yeah.. anticipation can be a very sexy and intoxicating thing too! I totally agree..

And i think too.. when you have sex early on in a relationship, it kind of muddies the water. Besides instead of learning how the person is just in their personality and the way they view they world, you tend to view them from then on in a sexual manner and sort of forget about that other stuff in some small way.

Does that make sense?

But i think it's society that pressures us too. Everywhere we look everything is sexual... all the ads now.. for heaven's sake, even the darn Hamburg stand ads got some scanity clad supermodel on their commercial.

It's hard to abstain when you've got all this sexual stimulus on a daily basis targeted at you.

[rionmccloud]

I think Sadie's hitting the bottle again with a few of those posts. lol Don't worry you're not, nor do we think, you are anything but the most respectable and purest of women. So there.

 

And Chaos has no clue what he's talking about. A virgin? Screw that! I want somebody that at least has some inkling of what they're doing. Maybe that's how you fell, pal, but not all of us. Given, at my age, I'd be very cautious with anyone claiming to have had say 10 or more partners in the last 10 years, but in the end it wouldn't affect anything.

 

Oh shy guys. Guess you mean me. Well, honestly, I have no idea. If there's someone I'm interested in I'll talk to them. Not a lot, and likely not often. I'm a horrible flirt, so if I was flirting it'd be pretty obvious. I'm so nervous today I was at the store and a girl that worked there was helping me. My friends thought I was flirting, but I really wasn't. Just not comfortable around women I find attractive, not right off the bat anyways. I keep my distance, and watch butts as they pass by. lol Take Caroline, the girl at work. We sat accross from each other for a very long time and never said anything to each other. So one day I just started talking to her. We started talking and joking around every day eventually. Probably about a month or two after initial speaking I asked her out and we went. It just takes time for me to feel comfortable with people. Hell, when I asked her out I had to be buzzing from a few beers to boot. Sad really.

 

And Sadie, believe it or not, I have trouble meeting girls closer to my age. lol The few I have met, and had more than a passing discussion, have been at 3 years younger. It's amazing the difference between 22 and 25. Oh dear lord, I'm turning 26 in February. 26!!

Great, now that's going to eat at me. I'm going bald, probably need glasses, and I can't find a girl geeky enough to be with. lol It's all just downhill, isn't it? lol

 

I often forget, actually, that some of you are older than me. This seems like such a young person's thing, going online for help. But it's not is it. Not anymore. And talking about sex. Eeeewww. lol j/k

 

I heard a song today, something about being the girl next door, and how it's a bad thing. Why? I want the girl next door. Cute, sweet, caring, and perfect. So damn hard to find. And even if I have, I wouldn't know because I'M too shy to say anything for at least a month, and then only if I've been drinking.

 

Sadie, keep doing what you do. There are no rules. That guy's a jerk, plain and simple. I may be having meaningless sex, but at least it's an understanding between us both. I made sure of that. If she'd said no, then no problem.

 

And that's no super model, it's Paris Hilton, and she should be wiped out of existence. And she's not all that pretty, because she's an idiot who has done nothing to deserve the fame she's received except be born into a wealthy family. She and others like her disgust me.

 

"And remember kids, sex can wait.... masturbate." As my English teacher once said. Made a nice t-shirt too.

[SexySadie7]

Yes, Riomn.. i must admit, i've been hitting the bottle a bit, a bit embarrassed by my last posts, but i really needed to get this stuff off my chest.

I agree with ya, Riomncloud, "Sadie, keep doing what you do. There are no rules. That guy's a jerk, plain and simple. I may be having meaningless sex, but at least it's an understanding between us both. I made sure of that. If she'd said no, then no problem.

Yeah.. i made it pretty clear i wasn't into meaningless sex with him. If he had told me straight out, "I just want a one night stand", I would of hit the door running! Or not let him go all the way with me.

I hate liars!

 

"And that's no super model, it's Paris Hilton, and she should be wiped out of existence. And she's not all that pretty, because she's an idiot who has done nothing to deserve the fame she's received except be born into a wealthy family. She and others like her disgust me.'

 

I cannot stand Paris Hilton either, I think she's boorish, crude and utterly lacking in class. You would think that someone with all that money, her family would of sent her off to Swiss finishing school, she surely needs it.

Anyway.. i'm just bummed out that now this guy has to pretend like i don't even flipping exist.. I could IM him.. but then I feel like i'm playing into his games.

I may send an e-mail, cuz it IS important he go get tests for STDs, hell, at least AIDS. I have more to say about that but it's rather personal... I'd rather put it in a PM to be honest. I know for sure though, i had nothing when I met up with him!

What a irresponsible and selfish pr*ck!

Wow.. you think you are old at 26 Riomn!

 

Just wait, well, til you hit your mid 30s.... life does get more interesting, but since most people seem to be married by 30...You start to get more limited in your choices for mates though. Course, after awhile, everyone starts to get divorced, then you have the "joy" of dating recently divorced people who are full of bitterness and spite cuz their ex messed them over royal in the divorce! No.. just j/king...

Life does present challenges though.

So.. you never told us Riomn.. how to tell if a shy guys likes you... or how to encourage him to be more forward if he seems interested.

Well.. i need to find something fun to do today... I'm way too depressed to sit home all alone...

Besides for a change it's not raining out.. really a nice day... I hate to have this jerk ruin another day for me.

[rionmccloud]

We're like carrion birds waiting for the lions to finish eating. lol Really, we make advances, very slight. We take time to warm up, and then you can't shut us up. Well, me anyway. Eventually, I think the flirting gets obvious with me.

 

I FEEL old at 26. But then again, it hasn't been the easiest year. I'm already damaged goods, too. Doesn't help the old outlook. And it's odd, I'm a single parent, maybe my son's not with me all the time but I am, and I'm just not sure about single moms. Kind of hyppocritical, ya? I mean, I talk to single moms, but I don't know about a relatinoship. Guess it doesn't matter if things feel right, though.

 

It's okay to hit the bottle, sadie. lol Just don't do it too hard. We all do that from time to time. Just have to be careful not to develop a problem is all.

[onmyownagain]

Hi, I am a bit older than you but I also would prefer a woman without children even though I have a daughter myself. The difference is, children normally end up living with the mother. So me, for example , have a nice two bed flat which is mine in the week to do as I please and can go out whenever I please. But at weekends my daughter is with me. My ex-wife has her at home all week so can't get out so easily because she needs baby sitters etc.

[ediefy]

So, the new ex sent me email yesterday just to tell me that he was thinking of me, hoping I was doing well. (This is the guy who didn't tell me he was seeing other women--the guy I was naive enough to sleep with, not knowing that.) Why would he bother to do that? Our last communication was an email from me asking him if he'd been intimate with anyone else while we were seeing each other (no). And then I sent him back a shirt he left here and the love letter he wrote me in early October, with no comment. And his final email was an apology, telling me I deserved someone better than him.

 

I thought that was the end of it. Why would he send me "thinking of you" email--along with "no need to reply to this message"?? I don't intend to answer, but I completely mystified about why the guy would even want to be in touch with me at this point. Trying to make himself feel better? Trying to convince me that he's a good guy after all, even if we'll never see each other again? Nostalgia? Any guesses, fellas?

 

Miss the old ex a lot right now. He's happily involved with a new woman, probably in his "crazy in love" stage. Hard to think about that, even though I know I'm better off without him. But I sure do miss the ease of our day-to-day life...

[rionmccloud]

A new study shows that the feeling of love (Butterflies, head swiminess, nervousness, elation, etc.) is associated with a protein found in the blood stream. This protein is found in everyone, but moreso in people in love. The kicker is this protein only remains strong in the blood stream for about a year. Hence, many relationships fail around that time.

 

Look it up, it's rather interesting research. I guess I'll be waiting for the ex's one year anniversary withthe new guy, and hope for the best. lol So bad to hope somebody breaks up with someone, but I don't care. All I ever wanted was a second chance. That's still all I want. My predictions for them? They'll get married within the next year, and likely divorce a year or two later. That's my guess, anyway. Predictions for myself? Lonely and miserable for the next two to three years. Just a guess.

[ediefy]

Predictions for myself? Lonely and miserable for the next two to three years. Just a guess.

 

Rion---I certainly hope this isn't the case for you or anyone else on this forum. We all deserve way, way better than that. Believe it. It's true. How we get there is a mystery, but we will get there. (I wonder if there's some "anti-love protein" substance one could put in an ex's food to get them to fall out of love with the new person faster...)

[SexySadie7]

Ediefy.. did you just say that girl?

"(I wonder if there's some "anti-love protein" substance one could put in an ex's food to get them to fall out of love with the new person faster...)"

That's too evil for words... but such a good idea! lol

Well.. if you get it patented let me know.

I still haven't heard from the guy i was dating.. I'm in a quandry too.. why bother to tell someone you are coming to town if you don't even plan on calling them when you get there???

If you ever get guys figured out Ediefy, please let me in on it.

I had to go to the doctor's today.. Today was a large bummer.. I was going to get my medical back for my flight physical. Yeah, i have my pilot's license.. Turns out.. i have some medical problems that need to be resolved before they will give me my medical.. Large large bummer. I may even require surgery for it.

Man. i hate having health problems.. I know alot of it is my doing.. My diet has been the pits for the last few years and now i'm paying for it.

I'd rather die though then not be able to fly anymore....

Now.. i would be ever so glad if the guy I was dating had the compassion to call me to just say hello or see how i was doing.

I was thinking last week.. I was going to ask him over for dinner and to ask him if he could help me take the big air conditioner out of the window..

Since he never showed up or called, I never got a chance too...

Damn.. i seem to be having the worst luck lately.

You are right about the being in love though Riomn.. your body emits certain chemicals and hormones that are like a drug.. That's why too, when you are dumped, it seems like you are going thru withdrawals.. cuz you actually are.

Well.. let's hope this holiday season brings up better and happier times.. I'd say we all deserve it...