Diary of a recovering exboyfriend

[rionmccloud]

Well, I know these feelings will not go away. They may be buried, muffled, under many layers and years, but she will always be special to me. It's kind of nice to think that, actually. It's what love is all about, ya?

 

It is a precarious position. Right on the edge of disaster. You know, you think you'd get used to it after a while, but it's always scary knowing one false step well lead to a very dangerous fall.

 

Again, all this way through dangers untold and pain beyond belief, and just when you think you're out of the woods the big bad wolf grabs you.

 

I've got to stop using metaphors and speak in plain eglish. I guess I just feel like she shouldn't have this power over my heart strings anymore. She lost the right to that, and yet she still tugs on em. I think I'm in control but sometimes i don't think I am. Just enjoying the ride. But I'm certain she doesn't do it on purpose. she's never been that mean to me.

[perseverance_rules]

Well greetings everyone. I have had a VERY rough week and since this post is rions and I have been posting here I thought Id tell my suffering here to those who have been following me too.

 

Last week my family found out that my brother is in deep depression and is an alcoholic and substance abuser. After many months of my parents helping him out financially, they cut it off because they suspected this to be the case. After my sister and I went and spoke to him, he came clean and agreed to enter rehab last monday. a few days later my sister, who has been dealing with leukemia started to get worse. Her platelets dropped extremely low and she was bed ridden and sent to the hospital for the umpteenth time. Her spirits are high because she was there to help my brother, but in turn her husband went off the deep end and had to be sent to the mental hospital after being arrested for disorderly conduct from their home.

 

To compound all of this, my friend Melissa, who I have spoken about many times within this post went in for testing today. those tests revealed that she has colon cancer and will be having surgery in the morning. My heart was already hurting from my past events with my ex, and was just starting to heal, and now all of this has put me in a place where I dont know how to come out of it except to be strong for everyone. Its so hard to do that when I dont even have my life together again yet. its saddening, its stressful, and its truly a place I dont wish on anyone. I try to stay positive and take one day at a time, but wow its so darn hard to do. I am going to visit her in the hospital in the morning or sometime tomorrow to see her, and see how things are going. Monday I am going to visit my brother at the rehab center. Then on Tuesday I am going to visit my sister and see if she is willing to come and live with me. I have so much to focus on and it seems like the world is crashing down on me right now. So I will say many prayers tonight before I go to bed. I wish that some of you can do the same for me as well. Sorry if I spoiled your post rion with negativity, but I would only hope you would understand that I feel like a friend to all of you and youd understand why I posted this here. Good day, and God bless you all.

[ediefy]

Good Lord, that's a huge load for you to carry emotionally. I am so sorry to hear about all of this--just one of these events would be hard to take, but you've got a trifecta+.

 

At least your brother is in treatment. One bright spot. Depression is a tough disease, and so often people end up self-medicating as a result. Hopefully, he'll get the help and support he needs to get on a better track in his life.

 

And your sister sounds like a real trouper--in the midst of her own difficulties, she's invested in helping your brother. Talk about having real character! You two must have a good relationship, since you're asking her to come live with you. That's an amazing thing to do--character must run in the family.

 

How lucky Melissa is to have you there to support her, too. You're not only a good brother, you're also a great friend.

 

My heart goes out to you and the people you love who are going through such hard times. I am sure that your presense in their lives is quite a gift.

It seems lame to say, "Hang in there," but sometimes that's all we can do.

[rionmccloud]

Yeah, just hang in there. Do as much as you can, but be wary of running yourself into the ground too. With burdens such as these it's easy for that to happen.

 

As for me, nothing to report. Guess that's good in a way.

[ediefy]

The new guy told me this weekend that he is totally in love with me.

 

Ack. And wow. And yahoo. And yikes.

 

I care very much for him. But I'm a little leery, too, which is to be expected. Part of it is not quite being past caring about the pathetic jerk who dumped me (oh, do I sound a little angry still?). Part of it is that the new guy is so different from all the men I've ever loved in my life--he's much kinder, more considerate, more open, more invested in me. I know I've been drawn to men who are somewhat emotionally remote because of my family--it has felt familiar to be around that. So this is a new, good, healthy thing in my life. But it is so unfamiliar. Sometimes I wonder if I'm dreaming. Sometimes I miss the old way things always were. I can see that's a problem for me, since I deserve to be treated the way the new guy treats me, deserve to be loved so openly and gently. It's wigging me out a little.

 

(Great topic for therapy this week.)

 

rion--sometimes no news IS good news.

perseverance--hope you're doing alright.

[rionmccloud]

Well, that's good Ediefy. Be wary, but not too much. I think if you're too cautious you could ruin a good thing. Make sure you let him know how you feel. No secrets, especially if it causes you some concern. Of course you miss the way things were. We build up an image of things in our head that's way better than it actually was. "High school's the best time of your life" is one example. Just roll with it, and remember you deserve the good things.

 

I think we're all on the defensive right now. Waiting for the next heartbreak we think will inevitably come. We make ourselves look for the bad, and can miss the good in that. Normal reaction to being in pain.

 

P Rules, hang in there. You're doing the human race justice by caring so much. You have my respect for that.

 

As for my life, I have learned I'm a good kisser, among other bodily skills and give great massages. Always good to hear. I think Amy is a little mad at me because I won't ask her out since she has a boyfriend. She maintains i wouldn't be cheating she would, but I told her I won't be party to it. If she breaks up with him, which she should in my opinion from the way she talks about him, then we'll see what happens. Not in the mind set to be a homewrecker. Wouldn't feel good about that.

 

Me and my son carved out our pumpkin yesterday. It was fun. I wish the ex could have been there, though. Things like are a family activity, and despite not being together she is family and always will be. Nothing will ever change that. She doesn't understand this, and I'm sure many wouldn't. Guess that's me though. I'm a human enigma at times. Filled with very complex contradictions at times.

 

I don't think I'll ever find a person that can understand me, but then again, I barely understand myself most of the time.

 

Keep hope everybody.

[rionmccloud]

Humans are such complex creatures. It's funny, I can come to enotalone, log in, and write about the most intimate details of my life. Things nobody else knows, hears, or sees about me are left open and dissected before strangers. And I don't mind. I guess sometimes the outside opinion of strangers is welcome. You guys didn't know me from any other heartbroken John Doe on the internet. Maybe it is the anonymity that makes it possible.

 

Just a thought. But being back on track, I still love the ex. I still hope I can have her again. And yet, I also want other women. I enjoy the freedom to pick and choose, and as much as I love her still, I desire others. Maybe I don't or didn't love her as much as I thought, ya? Maybe I'm more of a slu* than I ever thought? Maybe I don't want a girlfriend, just meaningless sex? Maybe I don't want just one sexual partner at a time? Maybe It's just how I feel right now? Maybe I just need to get it out of my system before I can get in a serious relationship again? Am I asking too many questions?

 

These things cross my mind at times. Maybe I'm not who or thought I was and not becoming who I thought I would. Maybe this isn't me at all, and I'm only playing a part I think is expected of me. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and feel differently.

 

You ever notice it seems when you talk to someone of the opposite sex online it eventually leads to sex? Maybe it's just me, but lately I notice this. Sarah was the first. It all started as joking and sexual innuendo. In the end we slept together. Amanda is another girl I'm talking to online. The sexual innuendo has begun. Maybe it's just me. I guess it depends on the reason for the initial messages, ya?

 

I bought new socks today. New socks are nice. They're soft, clean, new, fresh, and comforting. I haven't bought new socks in a long time. I finally decided the old ones are getting too many holes, and my supply was dwindling thanks to the sock-eating washer and dryer at my parents place. Oddly enough I come home with their socks sometimes.

 

While at the store with my son we chose out his "big boy" underwear. He chose Finding Nemo. He's growing up so fast. I feel like I'm missing out on so much in his life. I hate that. I promised that would never happen again, and here it is. He also called me Shawn today. I hate that too. I wonder how often he calls Shawn Daddy. He's young, I know he doesn't know not to do that. We look a little similar too, so that doesn't help.

It still hurts.

 

Filming went well on Saturday. Got some good footage. Need to pad it a bit, but it's not a bad start.

 

I think I'm done now. Have a good one, y'all.

[ediefy]

rion--after 8 years with one person, it can be interesting to sample what's out there. because you're a good, ethical person, you weren't interested in doing that while you were with your ex, but now it's okay. it doesn't make you a different person, just the same person under different circumstances. you're still a good guy.

 

i have managed not to have sex with every guy i did the email thing with, and then met for drinks/dinner. frankly, i wasn't that attracted to some of the people who seemed really interesting online, once i met them. there's that magic thing called chemistry, which has a little to do with looks, but mostly to do with pheromones.

 

[possible overshare] a few months after my breakup, i threw out all of my old undies and went to vicki's secret and got some new things. lacey stuff, comfy stuff, a whole mix to suit my various moods. kind of felt like a new start in a bizarre sort of way. (a friend of mine who does feng shui told me that i needed to throw out all of my sheets, and to buy a new mattress--failing that, she told me to beat my mattress with a baseball bat to remove all of the bad scoobies from a failed relationship. i'm just starting to go mattress shopping, which will require all new sheets because i've decided to go queen-sized after years of a regular double bed. it's probably time for a new mattress anyway...) [/possible overshare]

 

have some fun. you deserve it, so long as you're not hurting anyone (and it doesn't sound like you are).

[rionmccloud]

I just wanted to share my socks story. And in return I get a story about underweay. Eeewww. lol Just kidding. We're all friends here, after all. You guys know as much about me as my best friends.

 

That's not a bad idea actually. Almost metaphorical, even. Your underwear is pretty private, usually. Most people never see them. So it's almost a part of you noone but a significant other sees. Now buying new ones means they no longer share that intimacy with you.

 

Or you just wanted new undies. I could be wrong.

[perseverance_rules]

For some reason IM not getting new posts sent to my email anymore...hmmm.

 

Well, I can say rion that when my socks start to get a little dirty still after bleaching, I toss them and buy new ones. Im a freak when it comes to my feet and I must say that new socks on the feet damn near makes my entire day go well. nothin like new socks and underwear to make us feel great.

 

on another note, melissa went in for surgery yesterday and things went well. she is to see the results of the tumor they removed within a week. i tried and called her today and made sure she was ok...she was in pain so it didnt last long, i had just been wondering about her for two days. I am going to send her a huge boquet of flowers to her room tomorrow to bring up her spirits a bit.

 

on another note...the woman I was dating a month back who is now with someone else now (weve remained friends after she found someone else) is now pregnant. she told me today and i was floored. almost wished it was mine, then found out she did too. but its the new guys for sure and she is flipping out. she has three kids already, and so does he...so now the 7th for them together WOW.

 

anyhow, my brother is in rehab now and is doing better. time will tell what happens there. my sister is still doing pretty badly so all in all I have a lot of people to pray for each night. keeps me busy with things, i just wish it were more positive things to keep me busy ya know?

 

well take care everyone, im tryin to too!

[rionmccloud]

Sounds like things are moving along pretty well, P Rules. Hope things continue this way.

 

I have two friends. They were married for several years, and now they're divorced for around a year. Recently they've been experiencing drama, and coming to me for advice. I don't mind trying to help, but it's really hard to do that when it's two people with the same problem. Basically, my male friend is from Morocco. His parents have arranged for him to marry a girl there. He recently went back, and spent time with her. The other friend, female, knows about this. Now she feels very bad, and like she's extremely disposable. She was dating someone her ex was best friends with, so he is angry and hurt. It's a really sensitive situation. So that was my weekend as a shoulder to cry on. Again, I don't mind, but it can take it's toll.

 

Otherwise, was a pretty good weekend. Had another dream about the ex and her new bf. It was bad. Involved a fistfight. I was worried, because the last time I had a dream like that he came around. Luckily he didn't today. That would have been very bad, I'm sure.

 

Sugoicon is this coming weekend, and I am looking forward to it very much. Then Sunday my "special" friend comes over for a playdate. lol That I'm also looking forward to.

 

Still seems a little weird to say that, but I'm not thinking about it too much. Just looking forward to the sex. I'm a little worried because she seems interested in mild bondage, and I'm not sure that's my thing but I'm willing to try. lol

[rionmccloud]

I talked with the ex the other day. Her family is turmoil right now, many divroces, a cousin ran away and came home cracked out on drugs. Lots of bad mojo in such a tight knit family structure. She was quite upset. It was nice to think she called me first. She knows I care about them as much as she does. I was paid a great compliment.

 

I wonder if, as with the friend I mentioned in the last post, she would face her feelings truly if she knew I was sleeping with someone else. Would she be sad? Would she want me back? Would she not care at all?

 

I'm getting my hopes up again.

[ediefy]

I heard from my ex's best friend that my ex would freak if he thought I was with someone new. I don't think it has to do with him wanting to be back together with me, it's more territorial. When his ex (the one he's still in love with who is now married to someone else) got married, he was convinced she wouldn't go through with it--how could she? she loved him, and couldn't possibly love someone else enough to get married. he was sure she would call him beforehand, to see if they might renegotiate their breakup. but she did get married, and he walked around for a while wondering how she could possibly have done that. hard for people like him to believe that anyone could love someone else more. (narciscism at its finest.) as his friend put it, "he thinks he can just keep moving the pieces around on the chessboard." As if the rest of us are waiting around for him to choose to be with _us_. No can do. (My new label for the ex is Bluebeard--he keeps all kinds of things around his house that remind him of all of his ex-girlfriends. It's like an ex-girlfriend mausoleum run by a serial heartbreak king.)

 

your ex may feel a twinge if/when she hears you're with someone new, even if it's just dating/sex. she may be devastated, in fact. but if she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you now, wouldn't she?

[rionmccloud]

You're right. You're absolutely right. I know it's more wishful thinking on my part than anything else, but it still feels right. She and my son stayed for dinner today. I made hamburger helper. Not much, but when we all sat to eat it felt so right. Maybe it's just me remembering the old times, but it still felt good. Sometimes I just think maybe she's still not sure. Maybe she's still wondering. Maybe she's watching for a sign. But I know that's just the heart speaking, not the head.

 

What a pain, ya? Why can't we just get the message and move on quickly? It would make things so much easier.

[ediefy]

Well, I'm getting a new lesson. The new guy just left here after a rather difficult discussion. He had a terrible childhood, physical abuse, a degree of neglect--his mother lives near him, and doesn't even return his phone calls. I had a fairly normal childhood (whatever that means), had my issues, but was lucky enough to get to work things out with my dad before he died, and now have a very good relationship with my mom and my brother and his family, all of whom live around here. The new guy really needs for me to have more compassion for his pain--it's like he wants me to get inside it with him and feel it alongside him. It is like a slap in his face everytime I say anything about my family, or if my mom calls and we have a nice conversation. I told him that I feel badly that he had such a difficult time, and that it is hard to see how hard it is for him still--that I'm very impressed with all he is and all he's done in spite of the rough start he had in life. That I can feel some empathy for him, but I can't sit crawl into his head and feel the same pain he does. He feels like I just can't relate to him and so it's not going to work out.

 

Well. Not sure what my part in this is, exactly. I can't carry the weight for him (nor would I, if I could). I'd be there to support him in whatever ways I can--I've been helping him already, designing business cards for him, helping him design his new business space, going with him to various trade shows for his industry, etc. I'm not sure what else I can do--but whatever I do, it doesn't seem to be enough or the right thing. I've asked him to try to articulate what it is he needs from me, or from any partner, since whatever it is, I don't seem to be able to hit on it on my own. Maybe he'll be able to do that, maybe not, but I'm guessing things aren't going to go in a very positive direction here.

 

I guess I'm okay with it, if that's what has to be. I'd rather be able to be who I am, to be able to give the things I can give and have them be accepted and appreciated rather than constantly have to try to suss out what I'm expected to do that I'm somehow not doing well enough (or at all).

 

Why are relationships so difficult. Very frustrating and pretty sad. Oh, well. Considering what I survived these past 5 months, I'll survive this, too. But it is a bit confusing to find myself here. Different, but still alone.

[rionmccloud]

You're right, you can't bear somebody's else's burden for them, and you shouldn't feel guilty because you have a better relationship with your family than he does either. You can help him deal, but ultimately it's his issues to get over.

 

If relationships were easy, would it really mean anything? If we stayed with the first person we ever dated I don't really think that would be good either. I'd like to think that there's the oh so elusive "ONE" out there, but if I stayed with any past girlfriends who's to say THEY really were the one. If I was still with the ex I would not have changed at all. I wouldn't be as positive and strong, or lost the weight I have. I wouldn't have discovered the other sides to myself that were hiding beneath the surface.

 

I was a very negative person for most of my life. I had no idea what true hardship and tragedy was in my life. Now I know, and I knnow that I am strong enough to make it through anything else that comes along. I can think of very few things that would be as hard or worse, and I really don't want to think about them anyway. It's okay to be alone. It's the felling lonely that sucks.

 

Just remember, if we can learn from the hardships in life then in the end it was needed. Makes us better people, if we're lucky enough to find the lesson in it.

[ediefy]

Thanks, rion. This helps.

 

I did some research last night--the new guy is a devotee of a certain kind of therapy that's popular around here. Seems it is very controversial, and one of the reasons why is that many people involved in it become permanently estranged from their families.

 

I had dinner with the new guy and another couple last week, all of them in the same therapy (it's nearly a cult), and one of them was complaining about her mother, saying that she asked her mom for one kind of response and her mom responded with a nice card and an offer to get together to talk. The woman was completely contemptuous of her mom--I couldn't help myself and said, "well, at least she's making an effort--that's something." All three of them disagreed with me. So I asked the woman if, when she was born,she'd come with an operating manual. (!)

 

Some people will never accept that the other people (including their parents) are, at bottom, just people. Flawed, error-prone, and, ultimately I would suggest, forgiveable for most things that happen in life. Like our exes. Like ourselves.

 

Have a good day. And thanks again.

[ediefy]

Well, the new guy just broke up with me. I guess it's for the best, but it stings. A lot. I'm not looking forward to what comes next for me: spending some time getting over it, missing the things about him that were pretty endearing, wondering if I'll ever meet someone that'll be a good fit, getting out there and dating (ack) again. I hate this part. I was just getting to feel really okay about getting dumped 6 months ago, and now I get to do it again, albeit not nearly so intensely (at least I hope not). Sad tonight. Hope I feel better about this sooner rather than later.

[perseverance_rules]

I ran into a girl that I hung out with in high school at my class reunion on Friday night. The reunion wasnt really all that great to be honest, so about ten of us hit up a downtown club (rather ritzy, and high class bar). While there Jenny came in and we sort of "caught up" on things. I gave her my business card and she called me Sunday night. We talked for nearly 2 hours. Today we went to lunch and had a blast. Shes so much like me and me like her. Same interests, the whole nine. Her friends were floored that we are talking, and are all excited because they remember me from High School, and I guess Im glad I have great things about myself from then to be talked about in a positive way.

 

We are planning on going out this weekend on a date and take things from there. Shes a really sweet woman, and finally Ive met someone that Ive known, and shes a bit younger than me for once. YAY.

 

Ediefy, sorry to hear about your relationship ending. Sucks I know. Doenst get any easier with age huh? Well I do hope you can still get out and be with friends and see what else is out there for you. Keep your head up, were pulling for you.

[ediefy]

p_rules--glad to hear there is some good news this morning. sounds like a great beginning for you both. enjoy it.

 

---------------------

i'm having a tough morning--bad headache, a flood of tears. Nice email from the new guy, telling me how great he thinks I am and how sad he is that we won't be seeing each other anymore. Don't know if that makes it better or worse. Either way, it stinks.

 

Frankly, I just don't know if I can do this again. Things seemed to be going pretty well, and then it's all upside down again. I just can't face the whole process of having to put one foot in front of the other until it all stops feeling so bad. I don't want to do this, especially now, but really, never again. How many wounds can this old heart of mine take?

[rionmccloud]

Bah! Ediefy, you need to realise you did it once, and it'll be hard but you can do it again. Like you said, at least it wasn't a long term relationship. Half the time you were togther, so maybe a month. Not too bad from my view. You'll be okay. Just remember that.

 

P Rules, what happened to your friend? Thought that was a very good thing. I know she's having health issues, but what about this new girl? Is ti a friendly date, just as friends or what?

 

As for me, it was funny, Amy called me before we would usually go out to smoke and said hr boyfriend's bringing her lunch and she won't be out. She also wanted to tell me so I wouldn't walk in when her BF was there. lol I had a good laugh at that. I was glad she called me though, because the last thing I needed was some dude getting all pissed off and possibly a fight.

 

So about an hour later she calls me again and said "There's a creepy guy hanging out down here. Can you come down, please?" I immediately mounted my white horse, donned the shining armor, and charged to the rescue. Really, I was a little flattered she wanted me to protect her from the creepy guy, but then again maybe I was just the closest guy. The guy actually works in my office, but I don't know him. Sure he's harmless though. To score a few more chivalry points, and to prove it's not dead, it was a little chilly out so I offered up my coat. Now it smells pretty, like a girl. Love that.

 

I almost wish she'd break up with her boyfriend so I could date her, even knowing she's probably too young for me. Considering how my morals have changed (refer to friend with benefits a few pages back) I'm a little surprised. She's not happy with this guy and doesn't really like him very much. Probably instigating a breakup would do them both a favor. But, that's trying to rationalize the situation. If she wanted to leave him that badly she would, plain and simple. She IS too young for me and it would likely never work. I think when she gets a little older and settles down, experiences life more, lives on her own for a while, etc... she will be a good girlfriend. Maybe not.

 

Sugoicon is this weekend. Yaaay! I found a gun to uise for my film. Yaaay! Still need a leading lady, in life and on film.

[ediefy]

He came over last night and we had a long talk, made love, and said goodbye. Both of us crying a lot. My philosophy of life is just too vague for him, he says. So, I've gone from loving men who don't or can't love me to loving men who love me but can't be with me. I guess that's progress.

 

It's such a crapshoot--like the lottery, it seems, the odds never change.

 

Thanks, Rion. Your support helps.

[rionmccloud]

Well, maybe he'll work things out and be back. Better than before. There's that possibility. Keep your chin up, ediefy.

 

Well, as for me, now news is good news. In an unrelated story, Amy appears to be preparing to break up with her boyfriend. She spoke to him on the phone while were smoking. This guy's kind of a jerk. She was going to come over to see him and he just said" No I'm tired." She said, "Guess I'll see you Saturday" and he just said "I guess so." Some people know nothing about give and take in a relationship. He really seems to care about her, certainly.

 

Sugoicon starts tomorrow. I am ecstatic about this. No costume for me, though. Still, I am looking forward to meeting people from the message boards. Maybe I'll meet a special lady that likes to dress up as Final Fantasy characters. Rawr! Maybe a minor fetish I have. lol Sarah is coming over Sunday night in her goth/punk outfit for Halloween. Works for me.

 

But really there's no news on the love front right now. There's a girl at work that I may ask out to coffee sometime. She seems nice, and seems to like me. Laughs at the jokes anyway. Then again, maybe she's just humoring me. Only the future will tell.

[rionmccloud]

So I'm in bed this morning trying to catch a nap before the convention. Just as I start to fall asleep the phone rings. It's the ex, and she's asking about money. Not a goods way to start the day. Long story short we argued a little bit about responsibility and my lack of money, as well as hers. She seems to think I'm rolling in the dough and just stiffing her.

 

So we hang up and I can't sleep. She's online so we start talking more. I basically apologized because I was tired and that didn't help. God forbid she accept it. We're both broke, so I understand her situation, now if she would understand that things would be smoother. My son's daycare is having a Halloween party today, and since I'm not going to the convention now, due to a two hour drive and lack of sleep, I wanted to go. She already planned on Shawn, the new BF, going. So we got into some more. He apparently said if he's paying for all of our son's expenses then he's going. Oh man wanted to kill the guy. It's not about money. If it is then he has the upperhand. I'm sure he cares for my son, and I know my son loves him to death, but I'm his DADDY. Nothing will ever change that. So I get stuck with a damned if you do damned if you don't situation. If I go I may have to deal with him, which is guranteed to go badly. If I don't then I miss out. So I bow out gracefully. The ex says thanks. So I respond with "You'll forget in a week." Meaning she'll forget that I bowed out, taking the high road and being a mature person about it. "Forget what" is the answer I get back. She truly doesn't see what I've just done. She doesn't realise that I'm not happy with the choice.

 

She will forget in a week. I'll know, but if I say anything the next time she says I'm being immature that's not going to help either. I'm so sick of this stuff. I just want to be able to be a dad without the hassle. That will never be possible. I've never been good enough and never will be for her. It's hard to keep thinking there's someone out there who's right for me. I just want someone that likes me for me and doesn't want to try and change me. Accepts me for who I am, with all of my flaws.

 

Then again I guess that's what everyone wants. If I start school it will make everything in my life right now worse. I'm already under enough pressure between work and this stuff. All the overtime is killing me. I don't think I can do school right now. I just honestly don't have it in me. It seems so easy to just say screw it all. Just live as a hobo. The old fashioned kind, like Charlie Chaplin. Btu alas that wouldn't be good either. I could never join ranks with the domestically challenged and be haooy about it. The harder I work the harder it gets. The less I want stress the more I get. The happier I get the stronger the stuff that brings me down gets.

 

Truly I am damned if I do and Damned if I don't in most stuations in my life.

[ediefy]

Luckily, my wonderful nephew is staying with me this weekend. He's great to spend time with (age 15) and has been really good company. A welcome distraction this first weekend in months when I've been alone again. But I miss the new guy (guess I better start calling him the "new ex") a lot at times. We had a lot of fun together and I always looked forward to seeing him. I can see that there were some communication problems (he always thought everything I said was about him), but still, he was a very nice guy, and good to me most of the time. Oh well.