Diary of a recovering exboyfriend

[ediefy]

sadie--i've done link removed, link removed, link removed, link removed, and even link removed. i met the last two guys i dated online (both at link removed)--it's an excruciating process when you're my age, but it seems to be the best way to at least get face-to-face with guys in a non-bar scene. lots of nice people who are lonely, many of whom are not going to be your cup of tea. the main thing is not to let things get out of hand when you're just writing to each other (some guys are _really_ tacky), and be sure to talk on the phone before you meet, and then meet in a very public place. and don't go shagging anyone the first time you meet them, no matter how good the chemistry may seem to be. a great time to take it s-l-o-w. some guys lie about their age, some about their weight, and some definitely lie about their marital status, so be cautious.

 

(BTW, the ex who looked terrible was not the "great in the sack" ex. instead, he was kind of the "love of my life" ex, who unfortunately turned out not to be. He dumped me, out of the blue--I never saw it coming. Kind of like getting one's arm cut off or something equally disfiguring, emotionally speaking.)

[rionmccloud]

Hey! Just because we slept together the first time we met face to face doesn't mean anything!

 

Yeah, I imagine it's at least twice as hard for you guys as it is for me. And I find it pretty damn difficult. What about moving, Ediefy? Maybe start anew someplace else? I've thought about it myself, but with my son being here, I'll never leave.

 

I've been lucky enough to not meet women that lie about anything, so far. I guess that's more of a desperate and horny guy thing to do. I haven't knowingly lied about anything. I figure, like me for who I am or not at all.

 

Kudos on the meet in a VERY public place thing. Just never know about people these days.

 

Cheer up Ediefy. Turn that frown upside and what do you have? A smile! Relish the winter. Sing Cristmas songs, or Channukah, or whatever. And maybe grab a cheeseburger. Always cheer me up. Then again I'm weird.

[ediefy]

Thanks, Rion. Actually, I went to iTunes and downloaded a bunch of Marvin Gaye and really, really old Michael Jackson (you weren't even born yet when most of this music was recorded). Found myself dancing around the living room. That music is just great energy, no matter how one is feeling. Have 3 dates this week, so at least I'm back at the salt mines again.

[SexySadie7]

Ediefy, where are you getting all these dates from? online.. 3 dates this week... you are cooking with gas girl!!

Believe it not, i do know enuf to meet a guy in a public place from an online dating service.. and NO i won't screw the guy the first time i meet him. I think you guys really have the wrong impression of me, honestly.

 

I have signed up for dating sites too but you have to pay to respond to the message with most of them and most of the candidates that I had seen in the sites i signed up for...well. they sure don't look worth paying for to just e-mail back and forth to them. Who knows? Maybe it's hard to take a good picture of yourself.

I need a site like link removed!! lol

well.. guess what.. i saw the guy i was dating yesterday in town again!!

Cripes.. are they ever going to be done working up here?? Maybe they went back to their town though cuz i actually had to go to hotel where he WAS staying last week to send a fax for my job. I didn't see his truck anywhere.. so maybe they are all done here.

It's obvious he's done with me.. shoot, not even a single phone call.. What a Fu**ing guy!

Still. .i HAVE TO send an e-mail or something to tell him to get that AIDS test. I don't want to wait 5 months to go get one to know if i've been exposed to aids. I'm going to get the rest of the STDs tests done this week.

I had wanted to give blood at the Red Cross too last week and had to cancel that appointment.

If i need surgery for my g-i tract problem, i may have to give my own blood..

What is the point of that if I've been exposed to aids?

Riomn.. maybe you could help me.. I did read your PM.. tell me the right way to ask such a thing of a guy? Could i PM you? You have a good head about these things.

He said several weeks ago he was going to do it anyway....but i know he's not, cuz he would of mentioned it to me by now.

I just don't want to wait til he forgets he even met me to send this e-mail.

I could phone him..but i'll probalby only reach his voice mail.. and he uses that phone for work.

If he hears what he considers an embarrassing message about AIDS testing, he might just delete the message before he gets a chance to hear it.

Darn this guy!!

[rionmccloud]

Hey, just cause I wasn't born yet doesn't measn I don't like. Love the old michael Jackson disco stuff. The ex thought I was crazy. We'd be watching I Love the 70's and it'd come on and I'd be singing along. lol Old doesn't mean bad, just older.

 

Sadie, I say just call the guy and say "Look here, pal. YOU need to get this test. You can get them free at most clinics. All it takes is a little * * * * *, like you, and it's all over with. Now DO IT!"

[rionmccloud]

That was such a good quip there. Too bad it censored it.

 

I find something funny these days. I take my son back to the ex's house, and within five minutes, not even that really, the new BF is out there. "Walking the dog" my butt. Anytime I'm there or she's here he pops up. A bit jealous? Maybe. A bit threatened? Maybe. I see his shortcomings in the garage and yard.

 

Leaves everywhere in the yard tat need to be picked up. Nothing in the garage has moved since the day he moved in. He's obviously untrusting. Given, I was unmotivated for yard work, but I eventually got it done. It really does make me wonder how lon she'll put up with it.

 

Miranda wants to maybe get together on Saturday. I hope we can.

[ediefy]

Sorry if I inadvertently insulted you, Rion. Glad to hear you like the good old stuff. (There's plenty of good new stuff, too, of course.)

 

I had lunch today with a new guy who seems interesting. Nice time, and then as we were walking to our cars, he suddenly turned to me, opened his coat (yes, he was wearing pants!), and hugged me, with his coat around me. It was a little weird. I was taken aback--I mean I just met the guy about an hour before, and, although we had a nice conversation, I wasn't really ready for full body contact like that. He kissed my hair (!) and let me go. Then gave me another hug (less close) and a kiss on the cheek, and we got into our cars and drove off.

 

Either he's just a friendly guy with everyone, or he really, really liked me. It makes me a little wary, though, from the get-go. I am as affectionate as the next person once I get to know someone (more affectionate than many, in fact), but until I get to know you, please respect my boundaries. Am I going to sound like an Ice Queen if I tell him to back off a bit and respect my space--let me set the pace a bit, instead of just jumping in like that? It certainly makes me wary of being in a non-public place with him anytime soon. Not ready for a big heavy embrace with someone I just met, no matter how much I may have liked him at our first meeting.

[rionmccloud]

Well, maybe it was his way of showing how much he liked you. But definitely let him know that you're not comfortable with that. If he's of any quality, he'll back off. Maybe he's like me, and just isn't quite sure what sort of goodbye is necessary or acceptable. But, yes, let him know. And be glad he was indeed wearing pants.

 

And, no I wasn't offended. lol Many people don't expect someone my age to be able to appreciate the older stuff. Truth is, I'll listen to anything if it appeals to my senses. This leads my friends to tell me I have horrible taste in music.

[perseverance_rules]

Well tomorrow I will be meeting the new gf's family at their annual Christmas party. Her and I are taking a 3 1/2 hour drive together and then spending the weekend there. I have a feeling that this is to lead to great things between her and I. Its a big step to meet the family, and Im not talking about her immediate family,...IM talking her whole family...LOL.

 

Well she told me I was bold to go with her, but hey what the heck, its my Birthday this weekend, and who better to spend it with. Wish me well, and talk soon!

[ediefy]

Perseverance--HAVE A GREAT TIME!!!! This is so cool for you. I really can't tell you how often I smile these days when I read your posts. Hope it goes well, and it's just amazingly fun in every way possible.

 

Rion--seems to me taste = what appeals to one. I mean, in college, I watched "Charlie's Angels," for God's sake, largely because of its post-modern overtones (yeh, right). Truth is, I just liked tacky TV back then--I watched "Dallas," too, which was about as bad as it gets (well, actually the spin-off show, "Knots Landing," was worse, and I wouldn't stoop to watch that).

 

In any case, having varied interests and weird things that you like makes you way more interesting than the people who are concerned about having more mainstream tastes (which, in this country includes those who like to think they're being way alternative by listening to the same alternative music as everyone else). Hope you're getting to enjoy some of that bad taste with one of your female friends these days. (Just listened to Michael Jackson's pre-teen opus, "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone." Jeez, the kid could sing.)

[rionmccloud]

Well, Miranda invited me along to a party tomorrow night. But the confusion as to motivation continues. I mean, she seemed pretty excited when we talked last at the coffee shop, wanted my number, etc. But was it just in a friendly way? Is the invitation more "If you have nothing to do" or is it "If you want to come with me"?

 

She wrote: I'm going to a X-mas party at Becky's Sat, but if you're up for it call me.

 

We had already talked about getting together tomorrow. Any opinions?

[ediefy]

She's playing it casual, that's all. Go with the flow. Sounds like she'd like to have your company, maybe no more than that, but definitely no less.

 

When you see her, if you feel like giving her a quick kiss on the cheek hello (or just a little hug), you might go for it and see how she takes it. But if you're not comfortable doing that, then just be.

 

I have a date on Sunday with a guy I've seen once (not the hugger with the pants). Again, nice guy, but not my type physically. Don't want to be alone with him in a non-public place, because I think he'll make a move, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Curious, but not that curious, I guess. We'll see.

 

Have fun at the party, Rion. Don't think too much about signals from M. Just be yourself and be at ease. Hypervigilance will just drive you crazy. Trust yourself.

[rionmccloud]

Well, I went and had fun. It was kind of surreal, because I knew everybody but didn't know them, ya know? As people arrived I said "Oh hey! That's (insert name)!"

 

Afterwards I was hungry, and myself and MIranda were leaving at the same time, so I asked if she'd like to come along. She did. I drove, and we ate. It was a good time, and I think she does like me. Sounds so juvenile to say it like that, but it's about as close to what I perceive as I can come up with.

 

Also, there's another party next Friday, and I was invited again. I think I may go. Not sure yet. Have to wait and see.

 

What I am sure of is I like Miranda. She's sweet, smart, and fun. What more could you ask for? See where things go.

[perseverance_rules]

hey everyone! I returned from my weekend trip with the new gf. Had a great time. her family is pretty cool, and took me in really quick...before we headed out of town the consensus was when we were going to get married...LOL. I played along, but wow that was a little too quick of a joke for my taste...but it sounded good to me. After her and I dating for nearly less than two months now, I guess I can say that it looks like we match quite well, just not so quick with the marriage thing ok people..LOL been there once already, not so ready to do it again quite yet. They all recognized that I can handle her 6 year old son really well, and he really listens to me when I ask him to do something. He has this way of backtalking his mom quite a bit, and telling her no, or you cant make me type thing...I snatched his little butt up over the weekend and held him in the air and looked into his face and told him I didnt speak to his mother that way, you dont get to either,...his face just went blank...then I realized that her family was watching me in the other room...I was almost embarrassed by it, but it got a loud cheer from them when I put his butt back on the ground and he came back in the room and appologized and told her he didnt mean it and that he loved her....a few got teary eyed...Thats what my dad did to me when I was little and sassing my mom, so i thought it would work with him,...guess it did so far.

 

Things are looking good between her and I and all it took was a slow process of dating...talking, and becoming comfortable enough with me to let me into her life....everyone has baggage and I think that if you take things slow, its the best bet. We knew each other from high school, but thats about it. the details are ironing themselves out now, and were still catching up, but thats the fun of it. Shes a nice enough woman to get to know better and I dont seeing it become dull or boring in the least bit.

[ediefy]

Excellent news, perseverance! This holiday season must feel like it's full of gifts for you. Bravo, again and again.

 

I had a date yesterday with a guy I had lunch with about a week ago. We went out for a walk, shooting photos. He asked me if he could kiss me, I said okay--it was alright, no great shakes. And then later on during the walk, he told me that he was seeing/sleeping with a woman he'd been with for the past 3 months!!

 

I asked him if she knew he was dating again, and he said no. I was taken aback--quite a bit--and told him that if I were her, I'd be really hurt that someone I was sleeping with wasn't being honest with me. And that it wasn't very nice. When we got back to his house, he insisted that I take a 1 gig CF card (for my digital camera) as a gift--said he got them for free, and he wasn't going to use it--I protested and said it was too much for him to give me, but he told me to take it and wouldn't take no for an answer.

 

So, today I send him email, telling him that the fact that he's with another woman (even though he says they're breaking up) and isn't being honest with her was a deal-breaker for me. He sends back, says he's sorry to hear that, and demands that I send the CF card back to him right away. Good lord, some people are jerks. I do plan to send it back, but he can wait a while.

 

I'm about ready to give up on the male gender, fellas. I can't seem to find a good fit. The ones I love can't love me back. The ones that like me seem to be creeps, by and large. The odds against ever finding a good match seem insurmountable at this point.

 

So, Rion and Perseverance, cherish what you've found in these women in your lives now. Hang onto what is good. It's worth it, cuz baby, it's cold outside!

[rionmccloud]

Good P Rules. Nice to see people getting things back in order in their lives. Good luck with everything here on out.

 

Yeah, Ediefy, people can be like that. Guess the CF Card was only for women sleeping with him or something. Good for you though. Instead of giving in to the jerks out of sheer desperation, you push them away. They aren't good enough. Now that's integrity if I ever saw it.

 

I was sick today and it sucked. Nobody brought me chicken soup and babied me. lol Oh well. One of the perks of living alone. It's funny. Miranda is great, but I don't want to be confused about anything. Instead of asking straight forward, i just said "I'm always Clueless" Her response fails me, but I know it came with a smirk and a laugh. I'm just trying to take my time, like P Rules is doing. I want to get to know somebody a little better before I decide to sleep with them next time. lol God, that makes me sound like a * * * * *.

 

PS: I love that song. Not so much the Louis Armstrong version, but the Leon Redbone one. Great song.

[ediefy]

One thing that is really interesting is how someone can seem sort of interesting at the beginning--they may not be one's "type" exactly, but you're kind of willing to go along with that, because there seems to be some combination of attributes that might work alright. And then, either the second time you meet them or shortly thereafter, you see a bit deeper and they either look completely repusively reptilian (apologies to those who love reptiles) or like wonderfully interesting, engaging entities you just want to get closer to, no matter if they're your type or not.

 

I seem to be finding the repulsive reptilian types right now. Coal in my Christmas stocking, perhaps, although I think I've been a good girl this year.

[rionmccloud]

I will be buying a gift for the ex's new BF this year. I've decided he shall receive coal. He's earned it. I bet they'll both think it'll explode though.

[rionmccloud]

Damn the ex. She comes over today and we were talking about Christmas. I said "I'm looking forward to it, even though I don't have a tree." We both agreed that was a sad thing. I mentioned how it was like when we first moved out eight years ago, or so. She says "I thought about that the other. I remembered how you put christmas lights up in the shape of a tree. It made me cry. It's funny, looking back, because at the time I thought it was sweet but now I think it was just amazing."

 

I think it was amazing too. The story goes, it was our first Christmas on our own. We didn't have a tree, but bought some lights for the apartment. She was pretty upset about not having a tree, so I took a string of lights and some thumbtacks and hung on the wall in the shape of a tree. I thought she may like that.

 

Thinking about it now makes me cry too. We were so damned happy, and now nothing. She's the first person I ever really cared about other than myself. I did that to cheer her up, and it did. Now, 8 years later, she says how amazing that was to do. All I could say was, "yeah. Makes me cry too" As the tears started. I mean, it was a small observation and compliment. Not meant to hurt. And it does.

 

It's almost been a year since it ended. I'm still not totally okay. We share those memories together. Things that never would have happened if we were with other people. Things that were just for us. And now they mean next to nothing. And yet, I can be called amazing sometimes. I can be told she never doubted my love for her. And in the same breath be told that I obviously don't want her to be happy. That I only worry she'll have a better life without me.

 

I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do with that? She knows I still hurt and love her. She knows that it causes a lot of problems for me. Yet, it still doesn't matter one bit. I'm just worried for her and my son. Happy or not, I worry. But she can't seem to grasp the concept of me just worrying because I care. She tracks it all back to jealousy. It seems nice guys to finish last sometimes. I'm by no means a saint, but I'm not so horrible as to wish her unhappiness. Not any more.

 

I've lost track of what I was saying here. I just know that I feel like crap right now because of a story about Christmas lights from 8 years ago.

[ediefy]

Rion--this is such a bittersweet story. It's like an O. Henry Christmas tale. It's so amazing that we can love someone so much and not have it be returned in kind, or have them just decide that they want/need something else. It seems impossible that that was what was intended for some of us in our lifetimes. It's so harsh. Why should any of us have to suffer that kind of loss and disappointment? And why does it have to keep hurting so long after the fact? I am so sorry that you have to go through this, over and over again.

 

I have found myself wallowing in my own memories these days, memories of better times. Today I decided that I have to challenge myself not to wallow in remembering what once existed, but to look forward to what's to come. It feels empty and mechanical to do it, but I feel like I have to break the habit of looking back at good times and feeling sorry for myself. I don't know what else to do--there's no one in sight who's even vaguely interesting to me. No one is going to rescue me from my own life, so I have to save the only life I can save, on my own. If that's even possible.

 

Rion--I am sending a cyberhug your way. I know that won't make it hurt any less, but it's the best I can do in this medium. Keep the faith, as best you can.

[Juha]

rionmccloud and ediefy I know what you are going through...

 

I am facing this also...I love this person more than anyone in the world and would die for them but it means nothing to them anymore...I have been NC since the middle of September except for 2 weeks in November...

 

I have never felt this way about anyone before and probably won't again...

I messed up and she is immature so she won't be coming back...I have dated and been going out but nothing intrigues me so I just stay alone...

 

I do not think I will feel this way about anyone else in my life and am trying to accept it and just take care of me, to try and make me happy...

 

The loneliness and insecurity has started to creep in sometimes but I have managed to fight it off...I am trying to stay positive and make me happy but it feels so fake...

 

I go to people's houses and there are all couples and me and maybe one other single...Wherever you go there are happy couples and it jsut gets me down because I was that way once and now can't meet anyone that strikes my interest in the same way, that connects with me the same way...

 

I can only do what ediefy says and that is to try and save me, alone...

It is difficult and painful...

 

Hugs to both of you and I hope your holidays are good....

[goodquestion]

[snip]Yes, goodquestion, it IS hard to be celibate or to wait til the "time is right", whenever that is.....

I guess what i'm wondering is if I make it hard for them to sleep with me.. then you are saying they will respect me more and not take me for granted. Is that correct?

[snip]

I know some guys have a thing about how long they will wait til they call you.. It's like they've got some rule book on women we aren't privy to..

Aw... it's all so confusing.

 

Hi Sadie,

 

Apologies for taking _so_ long to respond, I don't visit a tonne ... yeah, on the first point, that is correct, they will respect you more, and you can weed out the whack jobs.

 

The reasons some guys wait a while to call, is most chicks think the guy is a wimp, or clingy, if he calls too soon. I know is not always the case, but it has merit.

 

later,peace

[ediefy]

 

I do not think I will feel this way about anyone else in my life and am trying to accept it and just take care of me, to try and make me happy...

 

 

Now, now, you didn't know you were going to run into her, did you? And life was okay. So, there will be someone else, and you'll be glad for all of this.

 

But it is a very hard time to be alone, so rely on your friends for support, and keep up the NC, because it's the only way to get past it, impossible as it seems. I've been NC since about July (and the ex hasn't contacted me since May, or responded, except to return my reading glasses to my mailbox about a month ago). 7 months and counting since the breakup in mid-May. Still miss him a lot at times, especially now, but I'd rather pull my fingernails out with pliers than reach out to him in any way at this point. (Not that he'd care one way or the other--he's with someone else, happily enough, from what I hear.)

[rionmccloud]

Blah blah blah. We can't sit around and have a pity party. Where's the fun in that? By definition it's almost the opposite of fun.

 

And the reason why guys wait to call is because some girl told a guy friend a long time ago about the "Three Day Rule". She thought it'd be funny, but he told friends, and they told friends, and so on. So now it's ingrained in the general psyche that there actually ARE rules, and that this is example is one of them. The truth is, if I call the next day that means I was excited and couldn't wait. If she isn't okay with that, oh well. Move on to the next. Girls and guys are all delusional about things like this. "If I do this, what will he think?" "Will she think bad of me if I do this?"

 

WHO CARES? The truth of the matter is if someone DID think bad of you for anything you did that is part of your personality, then they're not the one. If you feel you have to change yourself to be more attractive to the other person, then they're not the one.

 

It's later when that happy-go-lucky, hold my hand baby, first kiss kind of puppy dog love is over that you should do these things. THAT's what real lov is. If it's a change that doesn't hurt anyone, you do it. He would like you to try cutting your hair? It'll grow back. She wants you to quit smoking? It's healthier.

 

So basically, now that I've strayed quite far from the subject hand, there are no rules. If a guy doesn't respect you because he slept with you quickly, he didn't respect you in the first place. Would a guy feel disrespected? No. Why? That's obviously what everyone involved wanted. It's like the old idea that a guy can sleep with a lot of women and he's a man's man, but if a girl sleeps with a lot of guys she's a \/\/h0re. Is it any different? No.

 

Just know that there are no rules. Do what you want, and if the other person can't handle it, then they can leave. Until a deeper relatinoship has been created, of course.

[perseverance_rules]

Well its christmas eve, and Im without my gf for the holiday. Shes away with her family...and boy do I already miss her. I have made sure not to give her too much of a look at how much I enjoy her company, and how much I miss her when shes gone. Im sure Ill let her know more later on down the road...but it seems after all my current problems with staying with a woman more than 1 1/2 years to 2 years, I am finding that its easier for me not to devuldge my emotions too much, and its a shame to have to be that way, but I see it as a wall that has to be there in order for us not to be walked on, or seem weak under pressure.

 

I spent a lot of time with her the last few days, and now that shes gone for the weekend I almost want to drive to where she is to be with her. I truly think this woman is making me fall in love, and that hasnt happened but twice in my life so far. Ive dated umpteen women in the past 12 years, and only 2 of those have I had love for. Now I feel like Im either going to run from it, or be so nervous to show those feelings for her that things wont be so shiny as I want. She is really good at hiding her emotions at times, but usually all it takes is a question to her about how she feels and I usually get a high school giggle and a hug out of it. SHEW, love is a great feeling, and a true friend will bring that out in someone, but this is soooo soon for me to be feeling like this about someone since its only been 6 months since I split with the ex of 2 years. WOW, how things change so quickly. This is what I truly want, and shes as close to perfect for me as anyone ever has been, but I feel anxious about it....as in what happens in 6 months with us, and is she going to be this great later on down the road when the newness wears down....all the questions and all the anxiety is getting to me severely...all I can do is keep things slow as they have been and see how it goes, all the while keeping my guard up so I wont fall flat on my face ya know...

 

Well I hope everyone has a great Christmas!!! Hugs to ALL.

 

PR