Diary of a recovering exboyfriend

[ediefy]

So, I spent Christmas Eve and Day with my family, which was fine. And then, tonight, back home in my little house alone, I got a call from the new ex, just wanting to wish me Merry Christmas--he missed me and wanted to hear my voice. Argh. Why does he continue to keep in touch like this? I'm out there, dating people who are not nearly as interesting as he is, not happy about it, and he's choosing to see other women, not me. And yet he calls me to say Merry Christmas. What the heck does he want, anyway? Just to know that he still matters to me? What good does that do either of us?

 

Anyone got any theories about this? Is he just trying to keep the door open? I vacillate between wanting to tell him to stop--go to NC and all--and thinking "oh, what the heck, it's nice to hear his voice, too." I mean, we're not going to be together, I'm going to keep dating and looking for a good partner, and so is he. I'm not agonizing over not being with him all that much most of the time (the holidays have been a bit tough, but that's to be expected). Am I being a total fool by not doing complete NC with the guy?

[rionmccloud]

Christmas blew. Nuff said.

[ediefy]

Sorry to hear it, Rion. Hope things improve by New Year's.

 

Hard season. Let's hope 2006 beats the heck out of this past year.

[Juha]

Yeah, Christmas sucked.....

[perseverance_rules]

Sorry to hear Rion...keep your head up bro...2006 has a lot of surprises waiting for all of us.make a pact with yourself to change the atmosphere in your life...ie, move to a new place, buy a new wardrobe, switch jobs,...maybe not all of those, but change little parts of your life again, hang out at new places, hang out with people you havent hung out with before...you get the jist, new surroundings changes the mood, even just for a little while.

 

BTW, I put up my pic on my avatar in case anyone didnt notice...

[SexySadie7]

Perserverance is that a picture of you?

I'm glad you are having fun with your new gf.. it's always a good sign too when the new love wants you to meet her/his family.

Shows they are serious.

I'm not trying to be personal perverance, but i've not been reading this posts lately. Have you too slept together yet? sorry if i sound noisy. i'm not really trying to be..I find that amazing and good that she is so serious with you without having had sex with you if that is the case.

it is just that having sex changes the dynamic of a relationship so much.

 

My christmas was completely wacked too Riomn.

Spent alone. what could be worse. I spent most of the day on the internet, chatting with people who didn't know me. I joined this dating site awhile ago that has a chatroom attached to it. Chatted with alot of guys who are no way near my match. I didn't think i could get more depressed.

Then one guy wanted to chat privately and i gave him my IM, meanwhile while he is installing my name in his IM, he's flirting heavily and seductively with another girl.. I told him i wasn't interested at all.

Now he's harassing me every day, but no matter. I'm not about to take any more BS from a guy.

Later in the evening though I did happen to see this one guy on the dating site i joined and thought he was really cute.. I saw him in the chat room and told him i'd e-mailed him. They let us leave e-mail for each other on the site. I told him on the e-mail that i thought he was very attractive and would love to chat with him.

 

I was really being forward i guess, but i thought.. what the heck. what have i got to lose?

 

 

Course i have still not heard a thing from that guy i met back before thanksgiving.. Could of bet on that one. I did get a clean check back from my doctor though that i don't have any of the STD's.. he couldn't do the HIV one yet, though cuz it's still too soon, but i figure i'm not going to stress about it.

I did write him an e-mail telling him i wud give him the results of the tests if he'd go get an AIDS test.. I figure, by now.. if he's anything of the player i'm thinking he is, the results won't help me anyway cuz he's probably been with alot of other women.

Anyway, back to the cute guy i saw in the chatroom.

The next day i saw him in there again and said hi again.

He said that he had wanted to get in touch with me.

Hurray!

 

So... we exchanged IMs on Yahoo and were chatting for quite a while.

Yahoo was really goofing up yesterday. it kept booting me & him off.. he said he wanted a picture of me also if i could

 

 

I always hate this part, cuz for the most part I'm sort of shy.. (I know I don't seem like it, lol) but there are always so many pretty women on the web and I really don't think I'm that pretty. I'm sort of unique looking so I don't fall into the "classic American beauty" thing. However i've been told by alot of good looking guys I was attractive and sometimes beautiful.

I sent the photos off. and he was in his words "impressed". So.. this is a good thing.

 

We seem to like the same stuff too.. the outdoors.. seems like we have similar goals for relationship..but i'm not counting my chickens yet.

 

I always seem to get my hopes up only to have them dashed.

 

Anyway.. he said i was, in his words "a hottie" and fine.. so this is a great shot in my ego after the horrible weekend i spent alone

Anyway. .he is very attractive, i might add...nice face, nice physique. He interestingly enough lives in the same flipping town as the last guy I dated... the one who won't call me anymore!

well.. no matter where this leads it was just nice to have a decent conversation with a good looking guy who thought I was attractive!

 

I've been feeling like dog dung lately

This other guy i met online a few months back who i thought was my friend..We've hung out together a few times. he calls me several times a week.

i told him that last week was my birthday like a week before it was.. and asked if he would have a drink or dinner with me for my birthday.

 

This is the same guy who after we decided to go see a movie together one weekend a while back.. said if he came up, that he would expect to be able to spend the night at my house! Okay. i know it's a long drive but driving down the mountain is a whole lot easier than driving up it.. and i've done that dozens of times..

Needless to say... we never did the movie thing and i was relieved.. I've never did more than a quick kiss with this guy.. we aren't lovers.. we are just friends... though i think if i pushed it.. he'd allow more..

I thought.. fine i'm cool just being friends with you. He's a fun person to hang out with and talk to.. i'm fine with just that.

 

But when I asked him if he could spend some time with me on my birthday.. he said "he couldn't plan that far in advance"! what a crock..

 

Let me say here that was the same flipping line my ex-lover used to use on me too.. that he couldn't plan.. he wanted to do things "spur of the moment"

 

he was a leo too.... arrggggh.. now i had a leo friend who was a wonderful person, she was.. what it is with these male Leos? are they all about themselves??

 

I was so disappointed. Nevermind that i had no one to spend my birthday with!

I had hoped that guy i was dating and i could do something come my birthday.

later at the end of same week that my birthday was..i called him and he said he was busy at card game and would call back..

When he did, he said he was at party helping his friend celebrate his 30th birthday!!! i'm like.. what the HELL??.... i was so pissed and hurt..

I said to him.. "Yeah.. you couldn't even bother to call me for my birthday.."

I'm sure i sounded pissed off and i was!

He called me for christmas but i didnt' even pick up the phone.. i was still pretty hurt that he'd treat me that way.

 

I don't know.. but now i am wondering if i want to continue the friendship with him.. It seems to be all about his convenience. I sure don't need another Leo to drag my heart thru the mud... i got enuf of that with my ex-lover.

Anyway... I haven't called him back.. i am not sure i want to just end the friendship.. but now.. i feel very wary to keep getting closer to this guy. He seems rather selfish.

Well. it's a beautiful day out there.. i'm going to try to get all my errands done and enjoy it.

You all take care.

[perseverance_rules]

sadie, yes thats a pic of me in the avatar, and yes weve had sex...just took wel over 2 months...which i seriously have respect for.

[ediefy]

Here's an amazing thing I learned today:

 

There is a very high-end matchmaking service that I've seen advertised in various publiciations. For the heck of it, I filled out an online form for more info, which resulted in a phone call from one of their salespeople. After a chat about their process (psychological tests and interviews, etc.), she told me what the fee for me would be (hang on to your hats, folks): $50k. Yep, $50,000, aka "fifty large." Wow.

 

I asked how they came up with their fees, and she told me that younger women, aged 20-something to 32, pay $10k. Women in their 30s who want kids pay $25k. Women in their 40s pay $35k. But once you hit 50, it's a lot harder to find a match, so the baseline price is $50k, which can be higher depending on your lifestyle, etc. (I was clearly at the bottom-most level in my category.) That money would buy me an unlimited number of introductions for a period of 2 years, during which time I could put matches on hold indefinitely. So, if I meet Mr. Right the first month, I can put things on hold until that relationship is over (we break up, he dies, whatever) and then I can start up again for no extra $$$.

 

For men, the fees are even higher, because they not only pay the initial fee, but once they find their match, they pay a "success" fee, which can be substantial. Their fees go as high as $500k!!!

 

They reject about 1/2 the people who try to hire them, for all kinds of reasons. Too fat, too weird, too drunk, too difficult.

 

If anything confirmed my general sense that it's tough out to find a good match with a smart, stable, financially secure guy (and I don't need to find a millionaire, by any means), that phone call was it. Whoa. I'm not quite that desperate. Yet.

 

Gave me a good laugh. Hope you find it amusing/amazing or, at the very least, interesting. Have a good day, folks!!

[healinginnyc81]

Wow that's crazy. I'm sure other matchmaking services would do a lot better. I might try something like yahoo personals or eharmony in a few years if I don't meet anyone. But 50k to meet a match. What makes their services so special?

Wow

[chaos]

I tried eHarmony. Apparently they're unable to match 20% of the people that complete their personality profile. Naturally I fell into that category

[ediefy]

re: eHarmony.

 

I've tried it twice over the past couple of years. Complete failure, both times. Don't believe everything you read.

 

They kept matching me up with people who lived far away from me who had completely opposite political views and philosophies.

 

3 dates this week. 1 was fine, except the guy is separated but still living in the same house with his wife (big warning flag). 2 was so-so--nice guy, but he was about as impressed with me as I was with him (not so much--just not a fit), and 3 is still to happen (Sunday afternoon, for the Pats game).

 

I hate this whole stupid process, but can't think of any other way to meet men that's any less heinous. Unless I want to pony up the fifty large, of course...

[healinginnyc81]

ediefy, I'm sorry you aren't enjoying the dating process. But at least you have dates, just try to have fun and don't expect anything but a fun date.

 

I probably won't get a date for a while since girls don't like guys who are depressed or low in self esteem. I definitely have a long way to go to rebuild my confidence before I can even think about asking out a girl. but i'm trying to remember that I did attract my ex so I have the potential, I just have to find it again.

chaos and ediefy, I guess since eharmony doesn't have that many users yet, it will be hard to find a match. Maybe in a few years it'll grow.

 

Good luck with your date. Just have fun.

[ediefy]

The biggest problem with this dating thing is that the guys keep wanting to know if there's potential for us to have a long-term relationship--they want to know after I've met them once, they want to know after the second date, etc., etc. I'm not prepared to be exclusive after only two dates. I'm also not prepared to jump into the sack with a guy after only two dates. I have to move at my own speed in all of this--and if the guy can't wait, well, then he's not The Guy. (As Perseverance has said, waiting can be a very good thing for all involved.)

 

I sure would like to have someone familiar and wonderful to wake up with most days, though. (Other than myself, that is...) But if it doesn't happen for me, I still have a life, even if it feels a bit diminished by not being able to share it with someone special. What else can we all do? One foot in front of the other, blah, blah, blah (as rion would say). It stinks in so many ways, but ultimately it's all we've got right now. I hate having to "make the best of it." I want it to be the best, and I am hoping like crazy that it's not too late for it to happen again in my lifetime.

 

Let's all hope for a new year full of the good stuff. I sure can't wait for this year to be over and done with.

[healinginnyc81]

I'm surprised that after just a couple of dates guys want to know about the long term potential. But maybe you can just try to keep it light and say something about just seeing where things go. Maybe try to help them relax by joking about it, maybe say that if they're just worried about paying for another date that you'll take care of it - or i don't know I'm sure you can think up something better than that. If they can't relax and enjoy the date then you're right they aren't right for you.

 

I have been experiencing that longing too. I miss having someone who shares my ups and downs. I hang out with friends and laugh and have a good time but my mind keeps going back to the ex and thinking how much more fun it would be if she were there. I have had many times in life before though where I had a lot of fun without her so I know I can rediscover that part of me. I think?

 

I hope you can discover that you can be happy and enjoy life by yourself and of course enjoy a few good dates along the way too.

[rionmccloud]

BK, depressed guys can get girls. But you have to be Emo, and nobody wants that. Besides, anorexia is mandatory I think. Lots of crying is okay. But you'd also have to be bi, which would really defeat the purpose, I think.

 

Hang in there everyone.

[perseverance_rules]

I hope everyone here that reads this thread, as well as all of the hopeless folks who are thinking that life doesnt get any better have a GREAT new year, and when youre out there and the clock hits 12 midnight, that you think about YOURSELF! Think about who holds the reigns. WHO is in control. What YOU have to offer...and smile. Smile about one thing, that you are HERE in this world. We all know that life is too short to contemplate about the ex's, and the WHAT IFS! Stop making a calendar, stop making a deadline, LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST. When you are to this point, the person who is right for you will come along, and if they dont, YOU are still happy. Think of your family, think of your friends that love you...think about how strong you are to have made it this far, and above all else, respect yourselves. You ARE worthy of companionship...SMILE!

 

Happy New Year and God bless everyone!

[SexySadie7]

bi as in bipolar or bi as in bisexual riomncloud?? lol..

I dunno. i find it hard to meet guys on the internet thing. I have better luck in real life.

I went over to my friend's house, the one who's in band with guy i like.. I stil don't even know if the guy i like is married or is with gf... but at least i know where he lives now... for whatever that matters.

I did ask that guy i met online. the one who said i was a 'hottie' to this great concert this weekend in my town... He said he wanted to come up but didn't want to drive drunk home.. Fair and smart enuf.. i said.. well. i won't offer to let u stay at my house cuz i just don't know you that well yet, but could try to find a motel for you...

He said, fine.. but only wanted to pay $60 for a new year eve night..

I was skeptical.. even Motel 6 is probably over $60 on nye!

well.. he never even met me on Friday like he planned... he went a different direction for his work, but then never even bothered to call me he had a change of plans!!!

What the heck!! then i was talking to him late friday night... and realized i had gotten nothing done around the house.... he still hadn't made any plans whatsoever to come up for new year's eve after say he would like to....

He comes back online and starts talking about family problems.. and i was sort of fed up by this point...

I could have accepted a date from several other guys i had chatted with that week online. but i thought we had something in commmon.

I told him i had housework to do.. and he could call me if he liked....

i wasn't rude about it. but i just could afford to sit there and waste an hour listening to his woes when he never even apologized for not meeting me that day!!! I didn't tell him that.. but that was what i was thinking, so i told him i had to go do housework.. which i did, the house was a mess!

I got off IM right away.. but he never called me..

Well. i was thinking.. why do i want to go to a concert by myself..?

i just decided to go, the heck with it.. i deserved to have some fun too... and it would beat wandering the city streets alone with no purpose on NYE night

I had a great time.. one of the best i can remember at that venue in long time.. People i stood next to were super friendly and nice..

The Band was soooooo soooo good! I actually felt sorry for my online friend who didnt want to come up and called him during their best songs..

God knows if he picked up or not.. thought maybe he cud hear it on his voice mail... LOL. Later me and the people i was standing next to talking to went out to some bars as the band stopped playing early.

Oh.. and i got fired on Friday.. and left him a IM telling him that...and some other things..

I get this e-mail today...that he couldn't meet me during his work time... i'm like.. what the heck.. i didn't want to meet that way anyway.. i wanted him to set up a proper date to meet me..

Why are guys so stand offish these days? Says he really wants to meet me, but can't at work.. That was his idea anyway to meet at his workplace..

Then he says i was disrespecting him on friday cuz i signed off abruptly. but i told him i had housework to do.. so it wasn't like i just left him hanging wondering why i wasn't responding to his Ims.

 

I'm like.. what the he!!.. this guy is delusional i'm afraid...

He says he wants to meet me and all that.. but i have his number, implying that i call HIM.

Yeah. right. i'm going to chase his * * *.... i don't think so!! LOL

i don't know how to handle it right now.. but i'm getting sort of fed up.. with his crap... if he's really interested.. seems he could call me up and ask me out on a proper date...

any thoughts guys.. i really want a guy who will respect me. I don't seem to be getting a whole lot of respect from this guy although he says he really likes me and wants to meet me!

[ediefy]

Sadie--I hope you don't take this the wrong way, so forgive me if it sounds like I'm being a snob (or worse):

 

I think you work too hard at all of these interactions you have with guys you haven't even met yet. If they're interested, let them do the work--stop making it so easy for them to dis you. Let them know you're interested ONCE, and then sit with it. Don't call them, don't initiate any further action. Just wait and see what they do or don't do. And let it go if they don't follow up--they're not worth it. You don't need to sell yourself past the first hello, as far as I'm concerned. And the less hard you work at it, the harder the ones who are interested will work at reaching out to you. The less you seem to really, really want them, the more they'll want you.

 

The same goes for guys you have met, and are interested in. They know you're interested, I'm sure. You don't need to do any more than put the bait out there and then just wait. Don't poke them, don't call them, don't IM them, don't contact them. Let them come to you. If, after two weeks have passed and you don't hear anything, either let go or else contact them, just once, and ask them out for a drink or coffee. If they don't go, or if they're busy but don't suggest some other specific time/date, then forget it and walk away. I think you'll find that the ones worth messing with will come to you, and not the other way around.

 

If this sounds sexist, so be it. The truth is that people always want what seems just out of reach, and devalue that which is is too easy to get. That goes for men and women, equally.

 

(BTW, the new ex sent me a New Year's greeting--first he calls me on Christmas Day because he misses me, and then he sends me a very generic "Happy New Year, Edie" message. What gives?)

[healinginnyc81]

As a guy I sometimes wonder why it is that the guys have to do the chasing, but I think I still have to agree with ediefy that it's best to make your interest known once and let the guy follow up if he's interested. I know if I'm interested in a girl, I try to introduce myself to them and then see if they show any interest in me. If they seem to want to get to know me then I try to set up a date. I guess that's how we're socially trained to go about dating.

 

Any other opinions on this?

[ocrob]

Hi rionmcclout,

 

I am responding to a few of your earlier threads. I did read a lot of the ones on hear, but there are quite a few pages. I don't know if things have changed, but you have to go NC with your ex. You are in a vicious cycle that I was in. I tried being frends and never gave up hope. It was a year of torture. If I saw her on saturday, I missed her so much monday and as the week went on it did not hurt as bad. Then, I would see her again and miss her more. Then, we would see less of each other, but talk and I would hear about her dates. It was torture. Since going NC, I am feeling so much better. It has been less than a month and every day getts better. If you don't give yourself some time away from the ex, then it will be a cycle of depression. NC will do one of two things. It will help you get over her and it will give her time to decide how she may feel about you. It is not your job to be her support system. Once she finds a guy and starts dating, you will no longer be a priority. Save yourself from future pain and go NC. What will happen is that you will definitely get over her and she may want you back. Work on getting over her and things will change. You will either meet another woman and really stop thinking about her or she will find you. Just don't go on the rebound just because of lonliness. I wish I did NC 8 months ago. Instead I was an emotional support system and a friend to share everything with.

[ediefy]

ocrob--you may have missed the fact that rion has a child with his ex, so their paths have to cross. NC is impossible for him right now.

[ocrob]

Well, I definitely apologize and see this is not an option. There were quite a few threads so I did not read all of them.

[rionmccloud]

It's more vicious cycle of tears than depression anyways. no harm done. Almost a year and I still can't quite move on. heh lifes a * * * * * sometimes.

[gradle]

ryan...

you're doing great, just keep going and you'll heal...it'll take longer than most, but you'll get there... i promise!

[ediefy]

It's a long road: one step forward, two steps back.

 

Am dating like a banshee, filtering out the guys who are supposedly separated but still live in the same house as their soon-to-be-ex, the jerks, the anger-challenged. Kissed a guy the other day--nothing. Just made me miss the ex, whose kisses could curl my toes up. But what else can one do but keep putting the energy out there as one is able? I'll probably end up meeting the love of my life at the grocery store, not through any efforts of my own, but it's good practice.

 

Have made one friend, a nice guy who came over for a walk on the beach, several games of Scrabble, and dinner. No pressure, no kissy-face. Nice. Felt like an old friend in some ways. Hope it continues in that vein.

 

Rion, I hope you're feeling better. The holidays are over anyway, and that's got to help.