Diary of a recovering exboyfriend

[rionmccloud]

How the fates do play, ediefy! My exes birthday is next weekend as well. Quite funny, to me anyways. I wonder if the same is true for P Rules there. Boy that would be quite interesting, huh?

 

Let me apologize for my most recent posts. I need to stop getting drunk and watching movies about relationships. And I also need to stay away from my keyboard during those times. Heh. I guess maybe thoe are the times when I stop guarding myself, so I let everything out. My typing is bad too.

 

Ediefy- You need to walk around town without a care. So you run into him? So what! Yeah, it'll hurt. It'll hurt alot. But you'll never get over things without facing them down. There is something to be said for NC, but at the same time the only way to truly conquer an anxiety is to look it in the face and spit in it's eye.

 

P Rules-- I like that, sound very hardcore thuggish. I'll be waiting for the album. But on topic now, As I say you must face your anxieties, you are. But sometimes you can have too much of anything. Maybe even love, at that. I'm not saying love is a bad thing, but it is ike a drug. A little can go a long way, and it's easy to get hooked. You're in the throes of withdrawal still. You have my respect for handling things as well as you have. It's okay to be sad when the memories flood back. You're only human, after all. Take your time with Melissa. Don't rush headlong into everything in life. There are occasions where you must, I'll admit, but this isn't one of them.

 

Today I arrived at work and several people said "You're always here." And it;s true. I need more time off of work. Unfortunately it's work like a dog or lose everything I have. I can't let that happen. In a year I'll be fine. That's my main problem right now.

 

Other than that I'm angry about filming. Every time I get ready to go it falls through. Quite aggravating. Oh well, it'll fall into place.

 

Have a good rest of your weekends.

[perseverance_rules]

Yes, I hear both of you. Melissa and I met because of my exgf, and even at that time my ex knew we clicked because basically we have a LOT in common. She even told me when we dated not to EVER try to hit on her, and it never even entered my mind. Someone in my ex's past did and she split with him instantly...I think she had a possible hang up with her friend being better looking so she thought, and more appealing to men.

 

Not the case in my opinion, but nowadays its different. They hung out last night and Im still curious to know how that went over. Melissa and I have went out about 5 times now, basically because she was in love with my best friend for over a year, and I had just got out of my relationship, so it was more of a BOND in times of need type thing.

 

A few weeks ago I posted that her and I had slept in the same bed one night after a long night of drinking...both of us really drunk and had th tears coming down thinking of my ex and what she had done. Melissa told on her because she was so mad at my ex and her best friend of 20 years for having me be a man that took care of her, and paid all the bills here, only for her to take it for granted, and that pissed Melissa off so much beccause she wanted that...something she couldnt have and didnt think it was right for her to do that to me. (cheat right in front of her).

 

Melissa and I talk at least 3 times a week on the phone basically a how ya doing type thing. She has told me NUMEROUS times how good looking I am, and how Im very much someone she would date if it werent for the circumstances...and I agree with her about dating...but really, it would be too awkward at this point. I just am glad I have her as a friend right now.

 

I told her the other weekend that I felt weird telling her about women Ive been with lately, because really, how often does a man still talk to his exgf friend after they split...NOT VERY OFTEN. So to that I felt grateful that I wasnt just brushed off by a lot of people when in fact I did nothing wrong. Regardless of what happens down the road with either of us, I plan on being friends for a long time with that woman. It may be better that neither of us go further with each other for the sake of friendship. I dont want to lose that for sure. We have too much in common as people, and it would be a shame to ruin that because of feelings we have for each other...but on the other hand, if down the road it happens, I wouldnt stop what my heart thinks I should do, and she said the same thing.

[rionmccloud]

I'm friends with all my exes friends still. I mean, what do they have to do with any of it? If they're ALSO your friends, who cares. I think in most cases it was a Her friends/His friends kind of deal. My ex doesn;t talk to my friends, because they weren't OUR friends. If they were I'm sure they still would talk as well. Ain't nothing wrong with that, ya?

 

Take the Melissa in my life. She's super cute. I've known her for years, and she helped me a lot through this breakup. I don't know how many nights she listened to me rant when I was drunk. The problem with HER is she's very selfish. She only is there for a certain length of time, then it's like she says "Wait a second. Back to me now." She's cool though, most of the time.

 

In other news, I talked with Caroline today. She seemed just as friendly as she ever was. We haven't talked in a while since her desk was moved away from mine. I've thought of asking her out again, but assumed she lost interest. After talking tonight I think I might be wrong. The problem is how will she view it when I do ask? We've barely talked for about a month now. Eh.. What the hell have I got to lose, right? I always tell people there's only two things you can do in life: Do something or STFU.

 

Then there's Amy. I like her a lot, but I think she's too young for me. She seems quite immature at times, but when she crinkles her nose it's so cute. And she has the freckles accross the bridge of her nose that drive me crazy. She's sweet and we have quite a bit in common. And then I remember when I was driving for the first time she was ten. Things that make you go..... eeewww. I wonder if maybe I'm a creepy older guy. I don't want to be a creepy older guy.

 

And then there's the ex, whom I still have feelings for. I know that's not going anywhere any time soon, but I must note as well that it is an issue. If she does come back, then what, ya?

 

I'm going around in circles here, aren't I? Oh, by the way, I'll likely start school in the Spring. Probably for the best.

 

Well, that's it for now. Same old stuff over and over, but what can I do?

[SexySadie7]

Yeah, ediefy, I can relate to that, not wanting to go into a certain part of town cuz it's the ex's territory...And to have to see him with his new love... man, Riom, i can relate, how devastating.... I hate that too..but the truth is.. i've been around here for years longer than he has... still.. he was pretty weird when we were splitting up.. he didn't even want me to go into this little grocery store near his house at the same time he did.. and he was about to leave town too! go figure.

Maybe you are right Riom, it's best to face your fears head on... otherwise they grow wings of their own....and grow to overgrown proportions..

I need a diversion anyway. I'm trying to see about starting classes this fall...

anything would be better than my present path

Well.. riom.. i still am offering my services as a zombie or dead body, lol

actually i have a friend in Louisville I've been wanting to visit so it would kill 2 birds with one stone.. I sent a PM

[rionmccloud]

Ahh, sexysadie. I've missed you. It's been too long, really. I sent you a PM, btw.

 

So tonight, I think, I'm going to ask Amy out. A real invitation, not a half-assed "If you're bored.." kind of thing. I think she'll say yes, but if not then I'll know just where things stand.

 

It's strange saying that. I'm not asking HOW anymore. I'm not asking anything. I'm simply DOING. Guess that works with my new theme of Do something or STFU. I never thought I'd be able to just ask a girl out. Not that's it's easy, but much easier than it ever was.

 

So I'll be asking her around 8pm. Expect another update after that. I'm postive I'll have SOMETHING to say no matter the outcome.

[perseverance_rules]

Good for you rion!

[rionmccloud]

Yeah, I asked, but after the conversation I just had I'm not so sure anymore. Amy's nice and I like her, but now I know things that tell me it would definitely lead to nowhere.

 

She says she doesn't want a commitment, which is fine, but she also seems to think it's okay to not be faithful. Basically she seems to like the IDEA of a commited relationship for the stability it offers, but also the freedom to sleep with whoever she wants. I don't like that one bit. I think I can be friends with her but more would be impossible under these circumstances. But is it wrong to say that it does hold a certain appeal for me? I honestly don't like to think it does, but that's the truth of it. I'd hate to think that's who I am, but a small part of me is saying "Is that so bad?"

 

If she wants to go with me this weekend I will, but I think this will be the last time I ask her out. She is definitely not the kind of person I want to be more involved with. I suspected all along this was the case, but tonight has shown me the reality of it. It's such a shame. I think the age difference has a lot to do with it. Mayhap if I was her age I would be the same. I never was like that, however. Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but that's who I am.

 

I am very disappointed.

[ediefy]

Well, at least you found out what she's about, so you don't have to spend any more time wondering if she's someone you might want to be with long-term.

 

Keep the faith, Rion. You'll soon once again "feel the touch of love."

[perseverance_rules]

we all will....

[rionmccloud]

This is true. I'm just getting tired of this. I can't meet women my age wither, they all seem to be younger than me. Kind of odd hearing a guy complain about that, ya? And I also don't want to try meeting women in my office. If things go bad that would be hell. P Rules knows this.

 

Meeting people online is still odd to me. Girls I do talk to seem nice, but I just don't know. I'm much more impressive in person, and getting to that point is the hard part.

 

I don't meet people out because I'm opposed to meeting people in bars, which is where I am IF I leave my home on weekends. I usually don't.

 

On to bigger problems, I still need actresses for my project or it becomes shelved. I can film around them, but they're integral to character development.

 

Oh well. At least I'm saving money by not dating, ya?

[perseverance_rules]

rion, every woman ive dated since high school have been at least five years older than me...my ex wife was 6 years older, my next few gf's after her were 7 years older and my current exgf was 6 years older...the woman im dating now is only 3 yrs older...would be nice to meet someone younger than me that was looking to have kids and start a fam. for sure...would be my dream really...where is she...where do i meet her?...guess i cant pass up a few good ones or THE ONE just to find that...but who says i cant?....

[rionmccloud]

I honestly think it's just that 25 and 19 are very different places in life. As in my next to last post you can see why. Not to say all teens are like that, but I'm sure many are. 6 years is just too much. I'd say ideally I'm thinking somewhere around 22.

 

Would really depend on the person I suppose.

[TIGRONETTE]

Thanks for keeeping your diary going.

It's great to read about someone essentially going through the same stuff as me (cept for the kid) - the moodswings, the giddiness, the career changes, the x number of potential lovers that never quite come into being as something always goes wrong at the last mn etc.

Thanks for being so honest as well. I feel a lot of this stuff as well but would never have the guts to post it up here.

I'd love to be zombie number 56 or whatever, but it's a bit far from Paris (no, not Texas, the other one) to Louiseville (famous for depressing rock bands and megachurches if I'm not mistaken ???)

 

Keep on posting in the free world !!!

 

T

[rionmccloud]

Wow, guess I'm becoming an international superstar. Maybe I should starting charging! Thanks Tigronette. I took French in High School... All I remember is J'm appelle Michael. And Jai ne parles Frances. Good, non?

 

Well, I talked with the ex a bit today. She still astounds me at times how she can still make me cry without even trying. Just by saying simple truths. She said "I wasn't a good girlfriend to you, and I wish I would have been." Unforutnately she also followed it with "I hope I can fix those problems with Shawn." That's her new bf. It didn't help that on the way to pick my friend up before work the song White Flag by Dido came on.

 

My son is catching on to Spanish quite well. Can county to 20. I'm such a proud papa.

 

I wish she could stop getting to me. It's been seven months. I'm ready for it to stop getting to me. I really need somebody else to help me with that. I need a GF. Unfortunately, as you all have read, that's not happening.

 

Otherwise I'm working myself to death and not sleeping well. Life is peachy. At least I'm reaching international audiences. Glad to be of service.

[rionmccloud]

I've been thinking about what I would want in a woman. So here's

 

What I Want in a Woman Draft 1:

 

She must like the rain. When it rains I feel calm and renewed. Like the rain can wash away the bad, cleansing all it touches. I like to sit and watch the rain, and it would be good if she would sit with me.

 

She must like to laugh. There's nothing so good in the world as a good laugh. Laughing is the soul expressing sheer joy. If she snorts when she laughs that's a plus.

 

She must be smart. She must know the world around her and have an informed opinion of it. I like to talk about anything. Politics, religion, anything is fair game. I don't need to see SAT scores, but you must be able to think as an individual.

 

She must be down to earth. There's nothing wrong with dreaming, I do it all the time, but there is a difference between dreams and reality. You can't live with your head in the clouds. Should, woulda, coulda never made a difference in the world.

 

She must be confident in her beauty. Makeup has a place and time, but the best is a woman who can leave the house withour makeup and shine on her own. And I don't like kissing a girl wearing lipstick. 'Nuff said.

 

She must like odd things. I am an odd individual. I make weird comments. The ex couldn't handle it.

 

She must be faithful. If I'm with you then you're the only person in my life. You must feel the same. If you don't then leave before you get in too deep.

 

She must adore my son. In the end this is the most important. My son is my world, and if you have a problem with him I have a problem with YOU. If he doesn't like you it could be a bad sign. Nothing personal, but that's how it is.

 

She must not be jealous. I have female friends. They are only friends. I am friends with my ex, she is the mother of my son. You cannot have an issue with that. It will never change. For the sake of my son we will be friends forever.

 

She must not be too materialistic. It's okay to want things, but not to be greedy. If you have three pairs of shoes that are fine you don't need another. You don't need to spend a crapload of money on clothes. The person makes the clothes, not the other way around. You'll be beautiful to me in a potato sack, so don't worry about it.

 

She must wear her seatbelt. It just makes sense. It also shows you care enough youself to take the precaution. Besides, if you don't I'll breathe down your neck until you put it on.

 

Must love dogs. I don't have a dog, but I love them. You should too.

 

She must like romantic comedies. I hate to admit but I'm a sucker for them. I won't cry at them, but I do laugh a lot. See previous requirement on laughing.

 

Must like the fall. I love the fall. The weather is biting but invigorating. I like to turn the heat off and huddle under a blanket. It would be nice if you were under there with me. Hot chocolate optional.

 

Must love art. You don't have to be Picasso, or even like to doodle, but ability to produce and appreciation of art is one of the things that separates us from the animals. That and the opposable thumb.

 

As I said, this is a first draft. More will be added as it comes to me, and revisions wil be made. Do you guys think I'm asking for too much? Or being unrealistic?

[perseverance_rules]

never rion. if you get what youre looking for in a nutshell, you will be happy. if its not everything you want, your mind strays. keep telling yourself what you are looking for and you will find it. one other thing...ask yourself where that type of girl would normally hang out...go to, that type of thing. put yourself in the setting that would best help you find that woman with those traits...its almost impossible to find everything, and its also sometimes a bad thing to try and find a spitting image of yourself...take the good and mix it in a little...it may grow on ya. just dont settle.

[juicyfruitmama]

Rionmccloud

 

I came on today looking for some answers and came accross your posting. I haven't read all of the posts, but have viewed the first few pages and current ones. You seem to be on the road to healing yourself and you should really proud of yourself. I'm thinking that you may be the person that will help me see things in a different light.

 

I'm currently dating someone (a really great guy) who was in a 6-year relationship that ended this past December. It was his first love and well, from listening to some of the things he has been telling me over the past few months, this girl seemed a bit "spoiled" (to say the least). The relationship with her seemed on the outs in the 3rd year of dating but that's another story. The point is, that he tried to make it work with her, even moving accross Canada to be with her last summer but she didn't want him to come. He came anyway. He tried since last summer to make it work and she just treated him terribly (this is what I got from one of his closest friends).

 

So, they break up at the end of Dec (she broke up with him) and he's pretty torn up about it (though he said he knew deep down inside it was coming since June). Fast forward to May and that's when we met (4 months after the break up). From Dec to the time we met, he had rebound opportunities, but felt that it wasn't fair to the women involved because he was dealing with his grief still. When we met, sparks were flying and it was wonderful. We knew right away that we wanted to date each other and it really took off. We saw each other almost every day for about a month and then he went home for a few weeks to visit his mom and sister.

 

When he came back at the beginning of July, it was stronger than ever between us. Then, at the end of July, something terrible happened. We were suppose to get together after I got of work one Friday afternoon and he was there waiting for me. I knew however, something was up. When I went out to say hello. He looked very serious and said to me "I can't see you anymore" and then proceeded to hand me this little gift I had given him at the beginning of our courtship (a little quartz rock). I was speechless… what was I do say/do? It came out of nowhere and I just kept on asking "why?" He said that he didn't love me…that he didn't think he could fall in love with me and that it was better this happened now instead of months down the road when it would be really bad. I just couldn't believe it… I really didn't believe him but he looked so serious and so determined to break it off. I then asked if there was anyone else and he said "No, I would never do that to you". So then I asked, "Do you have any romantic feelings for me at all?!" He paused for about 5 seconds and then shook his head.

 

I didn't bother to listen to any more of his words and placed the item he gave back to me firmly in the palm of his hand (I really wanted to chuck the damn thing) and said calmly but with heavy emotion in my voice "Take this f**king thing away… it was a symbolic gesture…you deal with it" and with that, I left. I bawled all the way home… calling close friends and just being in total shock of what had transpired.

 

Of course, I wanted to beg him to come back to me, but I knew that would only drive a stake into any possible reconciliation. I was determined not to do that. If he wanted to be with me (which he said he didn't) then it had to come from him. When I got home and was waiting for a friend to come over to console me, I called him up and got his answering machine. I was glad. The purpose of my call was to take control of the situation as best I could for myself. So I said: "I'm calling because I have some things of yours that I don't want around here any more but also to get my keys back. D, I thought we had something going that was pretty amazing and honest. I care about you very much and thought you did too, but I guess you are either a great actor or a great liar because I didn't see this coming at all. Anyway it's neither here nor there because you've made your decision and I'm not about to convince you otherwise. Please let me know when we can meet so I can get my keys. I want to move on with my life as soon as possible." And with that, I hung up.

 

My friend came over and I blubbered and cried and asked why why why… - because it was going so well between us. I started to think that it was because he wasn't over his ex and that he just couldn't "love" another although he was telling me that he felt he was falling in love.

 

Again, this was D's first relationship… his first love EVER. He met her when he was 20 (he was pretty late in his dating start up) and the relationship dissolved when he was 26. I'm 33 years old and have been in 2 prior relationships. I want to get married and have children but am not desperate to do so until the time is right. D also wants to have children as well…

 

Anyway, back to the story. During my sob session with my friend (we went for a walk), D tried calling me 4x on the phone but only left one message… telling me that he needed to talk to me and that he'd try me later. He said his phone wasn't working and that he'd been trying to reach me from a payphone. I got in, listened to the message and turned off my phone. I was too distraught to even face him to get my stuff back and I didn't feel like hearing any explanations at that time of why he was dumping me. The next day, Sat, I get up; turn on my phone and about an hour later, he calls (again from the payphone). Immediately, he said he had to see me and tell me something and I told him I was on my way out. I then sort of ripped into him (calmly but with anger in my voice) saying that love takes a while to flourish. It just doesn't happen over night and I was disappointed in his backing out so early but that I wasn't going to convince him of my worthiness. He just kept on saying he needed to speak to me. So I relented and said that we could meet at my place the next day.

 

Next day rolls around and he's prompt. I open the door and am calm but shaking inside feeling sick. He looks like death warmed over… and comes in refusing my hospitable gestures (though I really didn't want to…) of tea. He sits down on the couch and we stare at each other it seems for ages and then he whispers, "I lied"… I'm silent for a few moments. "What did you lie about exactly D?" - "I lied when I said I didn't have feelings for you. I do… --- I'm just… scared." And then he proceeds to open up and tell me that he always felt that when he met "the one" that he'd be certain. Well, he said he felt he had met the one, but that it didn't work out and now, his life… seems to be "uncertain".

 

"Am I just a rebound for you then, to figure yourself out?" and he stared at me with this grieving look and said "No. Not at all. I had the chance to date other girls but it would not have been fair to them. I really care for you." Long story a bit shortened… we got back together and have been since that day. It hasn't been without it's hiccups though but on the most part, it's been pretty good.

 

This week however, he got a call from his ex (after 8 months) wishing him a belated birthday. She said she was thinking of him on his bday and hoped everything was well. It was a message on his phone and he was at my place when he retrieved it. He was immediately open with who it was and just said "Huh."

 

After a few minutes, I could tell it was bothering him and so we went for coffee before I went to work to talk it over. I tried/am trying to be as sensitive as possible to him without taking it personally and asked him what he wanted from all this. He seems "angry" still of what she did to him at the end of the relationship and wants answers but is hesitant to call her in case he doesn't get what he wants from it.

 

Meanwhile, I'm afraid that if he does contact her and they speak, what if they realize they still have feelings for each other and rekindle the relationship? That would just break my heart esp. since I know from him and others that she was a complete b**th/spoilt brat for most of the time.

 

Last night, he spoke with a friend who knew them both as a couple, and I think the advice she gave him was to "leave it alone". I called him because he was going to come to my place and he said he was settled in for the evening. That's when he told me what had happened. I said again, as calmly and maturely as I could muster "Well, you need to do what's in your heart/gut but realize what you have in front of you rather than what you had behind you."

 

He then told me that he didn't compartmentalize his ex and me together… that it was different. "You don't just forget 6 years with someone just like that." And "Your stock doesn't go down with me just because of her"… so I said good night and we left it at that.

 

When I got home however, I called him at around 10:30 pm to say that I was thinking of him. We talked for a bit and he sounded like he had been crying. Again, it was tearing me apart… mostly because I care about him and hate to see him sad and some because, I'm confused/was confused as to the nature of his tears (does he want her back? Does he care about me? Will he ever care about me as much as he did for her?) and I felt a bit nauseous after that. He then asked me this question: "Would you like me more if I could just sluff this relationship off like it meant nothing?"

[juicyfruitmama]

Continued... (Jeepers... this is long eh?)

 

Of course, I responded with a "No. Not at all." He reiterated the fact that her and I were not compartmentalized together … this was after I had asked him if it was a good idea if we should be seeing each other with what he's going through… - would it be fair to me? Would it be fair to him?

 

He said he does still want to continue on with "us" but that he's dealing with this other stuff by himself and with that we said our good nights.

 

I wasn't going to call him (but I do every day…). That's another part of the relationship, which is another story: He hates using the phone (even his friends complain) and I always want to hear from him. I never give him the chance to call me because I'm afraid that he'll never call. So, I always call him about 2x a day… Once in the afternoon and once before bed. He always seems happy to hear from me and we are in a relationship… but … I think I've got to let go sometimes and let him call. Question is… will he? I'm too scared to find out so I end up getting all flustered and call him out of fear.

 

Anyway… I called him this afternoon at around 4:30 and simply said "How are you today?" He said he felt better…that things are always worse at night… and that he was catching up with friends today. "Well," I said. "If you are not busy this evening, I would love to see you." There, I said it… no bulls**t, no games. I wanted to see him and so I told him. "Yeah? Well, no I'm not busy… I'll swing by after you get off work then" (which is around 9:30 pm) and then we said goodbye.

 

So… Rionmccloud and anyone else who may have some advice to give… am I doing the right things here? I care about D VERY much. So much in fact, that I could see myself marrying him. It hurts at the same time because I'm scared that he may never feel what he has felt/still feels(?) for his ex.

 

I'm trying to understand and be there for him. I'm not in a rush, but hope that I'm not just here as the "good for now girl" until something better comes along or until he reconciles with the ex.

 

I have faith in myself that I am a good person. I hate to think of anyone being hurt from something I've said or done but do stick up for myself in situations. I believe in monogamy in a relationship because both parties deserve the love and respect and full attention of their partner in order to flourish and grow. I believe in adventure, trying new things out at least once and just having fun. I believe in communicating with others… being real and saying what I feel, even if it will hurt me to be so open. What's the point of living if it's not living honestly?

 

Anyway, hope this hasn't bored you all… just really want this to work with D because hell, I deserve to have a good man in my life! I will be working through all of your posts in the next few days in order to get to know you better. Hoping all is well/better with you.

 

Thanks for listening and I look forward to seeing your opinions.

 

Juicyfruitmama

[perseverance_rules]

wow, that was long, but i read every word, and hung on the whole time mama.

 

I too have gone through that phase of not wanting to date anyone, or even have the ability to trust another woman for a long time. I believe honestly that in his road to healing he has relapsed the feelings he had with his ex by speaking to her, or hearing from her. one thing is for sure, they broke up for a reason, I think he realizes that, but it doesnt take the love away for her that he has. it never means he may not love you, but it sure makes it hard.

 

it took me nearly two years to finally date and recover from my marriage. the marriage only lasted a year, but we were together for nearly 3. She was the first woman I loved, but not my first relationship. She was one I TRUSTED the most in my life...in the end I got burned....and burned again by my current ex.

 

Right now, what im dealing with is not having the feelings there for anyone other than dating...I want no relationship in my life because I cant give it 100%. IM just not ready. 6 years is a very long time, and 6 months may not be enough time for anyone to be over something like that. What you should think of is how special you are to him in the fact he is ready to be with you and dont want to lose you, but is still dealing with his loss...almost like a death in the fam. what he has to do is to break off all contact and open his eyes to what went wrong, maybe he hasnt done that yet, and is hangin on to old memories of good times...if he thinks of the good times with you and the bad about her, maybe hell come to realize you mean more...

 

thats just my two cents, and i have more, but theyre still bottled up in my head....hope it makes sense moma...

[rionmccloud]

My advice is always do what feels right. Recognize that he is in pain, and will likely be conflicted about this for some time. He is going through hell right now, and that's a difficult thing to get out of without too many scars. Be there for him, but when he needs to be alone let him. Some things you have to face alone. Be waiting when he comes out the other side, but realise he may not be the same after the trip. It is long and hard, and you learn a lot about yourself.

 

So basically, be there for him but know when he needs to be alone. Wait, but be aware he may not be the same in the end. Watch out for yourself too. His pain is not yours but it can become painful for you quickly. You may not be a rebound, but you are his first relationship since the breakup. The thought of being with someone else still makes me a bit uncomfortable, but I think he's over that.

 

On a side note, stop calling so much. If he doesn't call then call, but don't make it a major point to call. It takes two people, and he has to meet you halfway. These are all my opinion anyways. I wish you luck, and him as well.

[juicyfruitmama]

Thanks Perseverance and Rion... - I was just browsing through your entries and I have to say, some of them brought tears to my eyes. I know what it's like to feel the pain of losing someone and the possibility of losing what I have now. Hell, I'm an old broad at 33! Well, actually, my b-friend thought I was about 24-25 until I told him (I guess it's because of my free-spirited personality and huge sex drive!). ha ha

 

I can't express my thanks enough to you both since you are basically in the same boat as Daniel (yes, that's his real name) and I truly wanted to seek the truth to either continue on this journey with him, or cut it loose for both our sakes. Well, I think I'm going to catch the ride and enjoy it.

 

If you don't mind, I would like to continue to post here... to get advice, to console, and cheer you on to bigger and better things and to just jot thoughts.

 

Rion, your list is bang-on. You should be with someone who will love you for your randomn thoughts and quirkiness. It angers me to hear when these traits, which are a part of who we are, end up being ridiculed by those who we love.

 

I will post more... I promise not to call him as much, though it is hard, but you are right. He has to make the effort.

[ediefy]

You are not being at all unrealistic, from my perspective. (Frankly, it's a fairly good description of what I was like when I was in my 20's, if I do say so myself.) Women like that are out there, for sure. You might try hanging out where art/design students do--I've always found those folks to be more independent-thinking, somewhat more cued into the weather, and generally just more interesting, if their egos aren't too inflated.

 

Take this list, print it out, and carry it with you. Reread it a lot. That'll help you stay focused on what you really want, not what you may, at a weak moment, be willing to settle for.

 

(And, if you're willing to try this, put a copy of the list in the back right corner of your apartment--farthest right/back from the door when you enter your place. Put something red there--a piece of ribbon or a red candle would work fine. If you have a red candle, put it in that corner and burn it from time to time. And stand there, close your eyes, and visualize that person coming into your life in whatever way seems right to you--at a coffee shop, in the frozen foods section of a supermarket, at a bar, whatever. Do this several times a week. You may be surprised at the results.)

[juicyfruitmama]

Daniel and I broke up last night. Actually, it was Daniel that broke up with me. I guess he put on his big boy pants and finally admitted this relationship wasn't what he visioned to be a long-term relationship... that in the long run, he and I were not truly compatible. I am angry because I don't feel that way but know that he has to get his crap together. I mean come on... he's babysitting a 7 year old for 12 buck an hour right now and it's not even full time. He's just existing here. The only reason why he was sticking around was because of me and well, in his mind, I'm not "the one" so he's going back home to Ottawa in December.

Of course, I cried and cried... wondered if we could just take it easy and see each other still... but he just said he wanted to be friends and asked me if we could just take that step back and try it out that way. I said no. That I couldn't just have a platonic relationship with him. It's breaking my heart to know that he's never going to be in my life... but taking this brief step back, I've realized over the past month and a half since we've been back together, it's been all about HIM... - Daniel cares about Daniel. Yes, he treated me well and we have had fun together, but not once, has he tried to get to know me... you know? I can list several things about him that i know but really, whenever I'd talk about something I liked, he listened politely, but didn't really pursue it further... it was like he was more interested in his own stuff (bikes, computers) than getting to know me.

I feel like a real idiot. I really thought he was falling in love with me. All the while, it was him just getting an ego boost for himself to know that he was worth having as a boyfriend again. I was there for him - he cried on my shoulder a few times, I listened to him talk about his ex...I was there as a support and now he wants to cut me loose.

He said he wants to see me happy and cannot do this relationship half way. "It's either all or nothing for me. I'm just trying to do the right thing." Needless to say that answer didn't make me happy. I'm just not good enough for him? - Did I do too much? Did I give him too many birthday gifts or call him too much? Would it have turned out the same a few months from now even if I didn't extend my heart as much as I did?

I'm trying not to beat myself up about this. I'm really trying... but it sickens me to think of him dating anyone else and he said that it's the last thing on his mind right now. He said he was determined to stay single after he and his ex broke up but then he met me...

This really sucks... but I'm doing better than the first time it happened.

 

Another sucky chapter in my life has thus closed.

[rionmccloud]

Shoulda, woulda, coulda won't get you anywhere. Here's what I tell my son when we're going up steps: Don't look behind you, keep you head forward, and take it a step at a time. I usually end up carrying him, but it's the attempt that matters.

 

I suggest the same. Be upset, but move forward. What could have been doesn't matter, because that's not how it is. Be glad that you have the pressure off. You were upset about the way things were going, and now they're done with.

 

I am sorry this happened, but you can only go forward. See siganture for more...

[ediefy]

JuicyFruitMama--my, my, but guys are so consistent. I just found out today that my ex (4 months and counting) is still pining after his former girlfriend (they broke up a few years ago, she married someone else, she still loves him, blah, blah, blah).

 

He is now back online, looking for his "perfect" match, but is also considering just showing up on his ex's doorstep (her husband will love that). What I have come to realize (especially with the info on his current activities that I just received) is that he is a really wounded person, unable to commit to anyone or anything until he's done being in love with the fantasy he's created about his ex-girlfriend.

 

And, as you say about Daniel, Tom cares about Tom. He would listen politely when I talked about my life, etc., but we always ended up talking about him. It's called narcisscism. When I called him a few days after the breakup to see if we could at least get some closure (he broke up with me in email), he managed to make the whole conversation be about him, without even asking me how I was doing or apologizing or anything.

 

There are a couple of good books out there, if you want to understand more about what's been going on in your relationship--one called "Men Who Can't Love." They always love the one that got away, the one they can't have--which is also, sadly, the one that never really existed. Even if Daniel doesn't fit all of what's in the book, you'll find a lot of things will ring true, and there's also some good advice about how to take care of yourself after a breakup with a guy like that.

 

Count yourself lucky it was just six months. But pain is pain, no matter how long you two were together, and I know it hurts like hell. Please know that I am sending you good vibes from Massachusetts, hoping that you will be able to get past this loss and on to a relationship with someone who is available emotionally, and who is able to give you every bit of love and commitment you deserve.

 

(After hearing about my ex today, of course I've been wondering what I'd do if he called and asked if we could meet to talk. I hear he's been thinking about doing just that, according to his best friend--when he's not bar-hopping, looking for the next Ms. Right. I really don't know how I feel about it (except kinda sick) or what I'll do if/when it happens. Bleah.)