Diary of a recovering exboyfriend

[rionmccloud]

I totally agree, Sadie. I was just talking about wanting to be with the ex. The rest, in my opinion, is ungentlemanly and harmful to all involved. But that's just my opinion.

 

On the rebound issue, you're likely right. I am better, and, I feel, past the rebound point. I'm not looking for love, but I want more than just sex, too.

 

I think I'm a decent guy. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think I make good choices in life. I do things after I think of the consequences and choose the best course. I'm always honest about how I feel, especially when someone else's feelings are involved. But again, that's my opinion, I could be wrong.

[perseverance_rules]

Well about me just going out and picking rebound material,...i havent. Ive been totally honest with each woman I have been with, even to the point of them knowing everything that has went on with me over the past few months. They know of this, but yet still want to be with me...even if I say Im not ready for it. Im not with anyone now because of the fact I dont want to string anyone along...what starts out fun eventually ends up with one of the parties being hurt because sometimes one of the two ends up having deep feelings for the other...and thats not fair for me to do that to anyone, Ive never done it, and know how it feels to be crapped on so I let them go, knowing that I was doing it out of the good in my heart...not the other way around.

[SexySadie7]

well. riomcloud.. i'm glad you posted that.. i was sure i'd be flamed for making such a statement,

 

"I totally agree, Sadie. I was just talking about wanting to be with the ex. The rest, in my opinion, is ungentlemanly and harmful to all involved. But that's just my opinion.

 

On the rebound issue, you're likely right. I am better, and, I feel, past the rebound point. I'm not looking for love, but I want more than just sex, too.

 

I think I'm a decent guy. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think I make good choices in life. I do things after I think of the consequences and choose the best course. I'm always honest about how I feel, especially when someone else's feelings are involved. But again, that's my opinion, I could be wrong."

Well. riomcloud.. i do hope you are as outfront in real life as you post here... I see innocent girls/women used all the time by guys who are attempting to "get over" someone else.. IMHO.. this isn't fair.. nor is a decent thing to do..

Well. Riomcloud.. be sure to tell whatever woman you get involved with RIGHT OFF THE BAT that you don't plan on falling in love with her.. don't string her along and think she will have a normal relationship with you.. that's totally unfair to a woman!

Otherwise you are doing her a huge disfavor and wasting her time when she could be finding one to share sex AND Love with!

Course i don't know too many women in their right minds who want to start a sexual relationship with a guy who refuses to fall in love with them!

But at least be a decent guy and let them know what they are getting themselves into WAY before you go all the way.... not 5 minutes before you take off your pants.

[rionmccloud]

What I mean, Sadie, is I'm not trying to replace the love I had. Love happens to you, not because you want it. I'm not necessarily looking for a super serious relationship off the bat. I'm not saying it couldn't be that, but now I just want to find somebody to have fun with. Whatever that relationship is, friendship or more, that's what I'm LOOKING for. The rest will fall into place if that's how it's meant to be. In order for me to have sex with someone it would have to be a deeply caring relationship, so if it's not love at that point it's awful close.

[SexySadie7]

well, if you just want to go out and doing things with people riomcloud, that's fine.

what i have a large problem with are these guys who go out and try to bed as many women as they can to "heal" their little wounded egos. i guess if you are only going for the FWB situation if you are a woman, whatever floats your boat.

However, most women have more self respect than this & want a more meaningful relaionship with a man.

[rionmccloud]

I think I'm not getting my message accross clearly. Maybe I'm reading too much in you posts. Hard to tell tone without a voice, but I get the feeling you are angry about some things.

 

I'm not saying FWB when I say "someone to have fun with". I mean, have fun. Go to a movie. Go to a bar for some drinks and pool. Go for ice cream. I just want to hang out and get to know somebody better. That's all. Then, if the time is right and we both feel the same, something more can bloom.

 

And belittling somebody else's pain by saying "little wounded egos" is awful rude. Because they're men that must be the case? They must CONQUER women to prove something to themselves? The more the better, and who gives a damn if someone gets hurt? They may be dealing with it in a bad way, but the pain is real, and not to be written off as a bruised ego.

[SexySadie7]

You are reading too much into my posts.. riomcloud... I didn't say you were doing that per se... I just see so many men doing that to women, where guys "play" a woman, and being a woman, I have to hear and see the pain my female friends go through after their "bf's" or the guy they had the FWB deal really did a number on their head. So.. I see firsthand all the heartache firsthand.. it's not good karma.. whether you are a guy or a girl to play with someone's heart.

Anyway.. i see nothing wrong with hanging out and having fun with other girls for you..just don't lead them on...

Anyway, you just wrote a few days ago how you would take your ex back in a heartbeat..

Suppose you got emotionally/sexually involved with another girl by this point and your ex wanted you back?

Where would that leave the girl? just wondering.....

[rionmccloud]

I'm sorry Sadie, as I said it's hard to read between the lines and get a feel for what's behind words online.

 

As far as the last bit, I don't know. It's something I've thought about long and hard. As I said, for me to get into a physical relationship with someone there would have to be deep feelings there, for me anyways. I'm also sure I will always love my ex, so it would be a sticky situation. I would hope that if I do start a sexual relationship that would mean I was finally moved on enough where I wouldn't take her back.

 

But, in the end who really knows? Certainly not I. But I do know that the last thing I want to lead anybody on or break anybody's heart without an extremely damn good reason.

 

Again I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions, and maybe even being a little offended. I'll try not to do that any more.

[ediefy]

I think the song "I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You" by Colin Hay, from the soundtrack of the movie _Garden State_ pretty much sums up the way most of us here feel about our exes:

 

I drink good coffee every morning

Comes from a place that's far away

And when I'm done I feel like talking

Without you here there is less to say

I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy

What is closer to the truth

That if I lived till I was 102

I just don't think I'll ever get over you

I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky

'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew

That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs

I just don't think I'll ever get over you

Your face it dances and it haunts me

Your laughter's still ringing in my ears

I still find pieces of your presense here

Even after all these years

But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner

'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do

Even though I may soon feel the touch of love

I just don't think I'll ever get over you

If I lived till I was 102

I just don't think I'll ever get over you

 

----

 

Bad day today. Last night, the new guy came over, we had a great dinner, and a nice evening. Went to bed early, and then, about midnight, after we'd been asleep for a couple of hours (or so I thought), he said that he couldn't sleep, and, without further ado, went home. I think he was having some allergic reaction to the weeds around my house and, probably, my cats, but no one has ever left like that before, so it was a kind of weird. No call or email from him this morning. I finally left him some voicemail, asking if he was alright and if we could touch base about last night. For all I know, he's dead on his kitchen floor--or not--but I have an uneasy feeling about where this all is headed, even though we seemed to be having a perfectly nice time last night before he left.

 

This has been a crappy week, and clearly, it's not getting better anytime soon. It could have nothing to do with us--could be that he just didn't feel well--or else it has everything to do with us. There's no way for me to know until I hear from him. I'm trying hard not to jump to conclusions, but it feels bad right now. I guess I'm an unusual sort--if I'd left like that, I would have called the next morning to reconnect. And if I'd broken up with someone the way my ex broke up with me, I'd agree to meet and talk about it when they asked me to. But I guess that's not how most other people operate. Very sad today, wondering if I'll ever get it right.

[rionmccloud]

Ediefy, all I can do is offer good thoughts for you. I wish there was more. Just hang in there.

 

As for me, I have a car now. I bought a 2001 Dodge Neon. Very nice car. For me anyways. I was showing my car to my ex, and she wanted to drive it around the block, I said sure I'll go. The new BF was there, and apparently this pissed him off. Why? I don't know. I asked her if he trusts her. She said yes, but probably not me. I replied with, then he has a problem and you need to talk to him. Sorry, but I wasn't trying to cause trouble. So now she's mad at me, like the new bf has any right to be angry or anything about a drive around the block in MY new car. What a smeghead.

 

I may be going out with friends later, which would be nice. I love my new car, but not the 207 a month payments that come with it. Oh well. Got to tighten the old belt some I guess. No problem.

[Zerohero]

Honestly my friend you shouldn't even go see her. She broke up with you so she should be the one trying to contact you. Her bf got way to upset I can understand his point of view " In a jacked up way" but he see's her as his gf now so you have to respect that. I know it hurts man but you must let this fish back into the ocean for good.

[rionmccloud]

Well Zero, if it were that simple life would be a lot easier for everyone. If we didn't have a child together, it would be easier on everyone. Unfortunately, life's more complicated than I would like it to be. I didn't go as an ex-boyfriend, I never do anymore. I went as a friend excited about his new car. If her new BF is to jealous and scared to see that, then he has the problem.

 

Maybe he is afraid. I hope so. They met after hanging out, and I guess he knows if she did it to me she'll do it to him. But he has no need to fear from me in that. I am over trying to win her back. If she wants back she'll come to me. Plain and simple.

 

I think I will ask the girl at work out. She seems nice, and that's all I want is nice female company. As I said many times, I just want to hang out and have fun more than anything else. If more happens then it does. I'm not pushing the issue either way.

 

My friends came over today to shoot a script I'm working on. The story is cliche, and the acting is terrible, but it was fun. I look forward to working more on this series. I do, however, still need a leading lady for the main character, me, in the films. I was thinking of asking the girl at work. Maybe some on screen romance can translate off, eh? Look at Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie! The role requires a lot of physical closeness, and I don't mean sex either. Lots of dancing, running from zombies, and tight close quarters shots. If I post what I have somewhere I'll link to it for you guys. Again, terrible acting, but what can I say, I almost failed drama after all. Heh.

[SexySadie7]

Riomncloud.. just curious.. do you do these films as a vocation or as just a hobby?

I'm thinking of going to film school myself.. and took a class in script writing...

what is your play or film about?

[rionmccloud]

Oh, it's just a hobby, but I do have schooling in video effects and editing. I can even work 3d, but not very well.

 

Well, the one we filmed is about a paranormal detective team. They will eventually be searching for a relic, as will several bad characters, each for their own purposes. I'm trying to incorporate romantic tension, deceit, and dark dealings into it. For example, one demon the protagonist deals with has mouths for eyes, and is bribed for information with Bazooka Jow bubble gum, which he chews with his eyes.

 

The two protagonists are also at odds because one is an alcoholic and the other is agoraphobic, never leaving the house. The ghost of one's exlover is there too, but she doesn't know that's what she was in life. She unintentionally makes things difficult.

 

I also have plans for another film, but I wrote parts for specific people and they must be available for it to happen. This one's an adventure film, with lots of action and chases set in a semi-postapocalyptic setting. That story's very confusing to even me right now, so there's no telling what it's about for now. Need to write more on that one.

 

I suck at acting, but I don't have enough bodies to fill the roles. Still working on casting these things.

[SexySadie7]

That's very cool riomncloud.. i took a class in Premier.. I want to take After Effects.. which 3d program did you study?

I'd really like to take up animation though... I was art major in college..and they use hundreds of animators in the kid's films now... that where i'd like to be headed at least...I always loved comics and cartoons anyway. : )

I need to put my butt into the chair and finish up my little play i started.

We had an instructor in school who's short film got shown in the local theatres.. It was pretty cool film... Movies are sooo cool, aren't they?

[rionmccloud]

Well, I learned, Premier, After Effects, 3d Studio Max, Flash, Photoshop, and more. Was really fun. Not great at any of them, but enough to use them all effectively together.

Anybody in the Louisville, KY are interested in acting please contact me. I need as many people as I can get. You can have the chance to play Zombie 1 or dead body 4. Heh.

 

But this is all straying from the purpose of this diary, really. Except that I'm using it as a distraction from my current woes. It is a great distraction to be writing, directing, acting, and editing it all together. Consumes lots of time too.

[SexySadie7]

ooo, oooo.. i wanna play the dead bodie!!! lol

Well. i sort of feel dead today anyway.. went to a funeral of a good friend yesterday... very sad.. he wasn't very old and died while swimming.....

No.. matter of fact.. i feel sort of zombie like lately... Either way i'd be shoe in for these roles.....lol.. Where is this film going to end up anyway?

I do get up to Louisville sometimes on business.

Tell me Riomncloud, where did you study all those programs? I need to get off my butt and look into film schools anyway..

[rionmccloud]

To Louisville? On Business? Eh? You're the second person on here who knows Louisville. Only the second.

 

The film will first hit the internet at link removed, then cable access, and maybe when enough is done DVDs. Nothing special, but something to sell to fans. If there are any...

 

I went to Louisville Technical Institute for the graphic design program. They taught us enough to use them all, but not enough to be extremely skilled in any one of them. Not a film school, but a good school. Great teachers.

 

On another note, I had to talk to the ex about money today. Basically, with the new car I can't pay for my part of daycare. This led to a major argument, like money usually does. Oh well. I can only do what I can, and generally only what I must. Ce la vie, non?

[SexySadie7]

Well.. Louisville is a great city.. at least to visit.. never lived there.. but i've always had pleasant time when i stayed there.

What a coincidence.. i studied graphic design in college too... Course back then.. we didn't have computers to do our drawing.... 8)

[rionmccloud]

I don't really know why, maybe I'm going through a phase of self doubt, but I posted a picture on link removed. I swear I'm better than a four, i really am. I expected at least a five, but a four?!? What's up with that? Very vain site, and I swear I'm not vain just thought "Hey, I'll blanket the general populace to get an idea of how I stack up." Still early yet, but I think I deserve at least a six. If you add peronality maybe even an 8 or 9, but alas personality has nothing to do with it. It is dumb.

 

I was thinking about what my ex said one day. She told me that I'm "a great guy and any girl would be very lucky to have me love them." And I keep thinking, then why don't you want that? I'm so good you're dumping me for somebody you barely know? I mean, if it was for an old childhood friend you've secretly loved for your whole life, as they have you, then dammit that's destiny and who am i to be in the way?

 

She has said other things, too, that say what a great person I am, but in the end I'm not right for her. That shizzle is whack, yo. I mean, it doesn't even make a bit of sense. She's acknowledged that I have always loved her, never questioned it, and that nobody else may love her as much as I did, and, to some degree, still do. And yet that's not enough? How is that even possible. You tell someone "I know if I were lined up with the 10 most beautiful women in the world and you could pick one to be with, you'd pick me" and yet it's still not good enough?

 

Oh well, I guess I'm just one of those guys. The guy-friend. The one that all boyfriends will have to measure up to, but it'll never be me. That's how it feels anyway. I'm not overly romantic, but I think I have some high ideas about love and romance. Maybe even a little sappy at times. It's just that I know when I meet someone I care about it'll be great, and then I look all around going "Where is she?"

 

I just get lonely. I know that when I ask girls out what I really want, more than anything, is to have some of that old feeling back again. To feel loved. Realistically I know that's not likely to happen very fast or anytime soon, and I know I say what I want is the exact opposite, but really, deep down, I guess I just want to feel loved.

 

And I haven't been laid in a while. That may have SOMETHING to do with things. Like wanting to ask out the girl 6 years younger than me whom I think has been making advances. The real problem with asking her out is that I don't want to seem like a creepy older guy out for a "Hot Young Sex Kitten" to fulfill some kind of fantasy. Sure I'm thinking "She's cute and has a nice body. I'd like to tap that." but I mean it in only the most respectful way, and would never just say that to somebody.

 

Does any of this make any damn sense? I think I'm really contradicting myself in several ways here, but that's the truth. I'm a complex person. I want love more than anything, but I'm also getting very horny, and porn doesn't help all the time. It's like a tease.

 

I think I'm done for now. I could keep going on and on, and I'd never really get anywhere by making a very confusing manifesto. Am I really a bad guy dressed in good guy clothing? I really hope not.

[ediefy]

rion--geez, buddy, are you a glutton for punishment? hotornot? please, that site is mostly about abusing strangers and does not in any way reflect anything but people's meanest sides.

 

Look, your ex isn't the one for you. You're still grieving, and it's extra hard because you two have to interact all the time. You're not always going to be the guy who's never the boyfriend--really. There are all kinds of people in the world, and you haven't met that many in your life--I'm twice as old as you, and have probably had 6 or 7 major love affairs since I was your age. It _does_ happen. There were various reasons why things didn't work out to be lifelong for me and those men--life has a way of taking us places we never thought we'd go. But I am grateful for all of the love I've given and received, even though the past few months have been tough.

 

And the fact that your ex doesn't want to be with you says way more about her than it does about you. It really isn't about you at all, which is the hardest damned thing to come to terms with. It's about her life, her choices, and what she believes she wants and needs. Even though it seems to you like it's a great fit, it's not, unless the other person feels the same way. I have to remind myself of that nearly every day, when I think about how my ex just deleted me from his life, one day to the next. It really is NOT a judgement about you. I'll bet you're a great guy, because you seem to have developed a fair amount of self-awareness through this entire process. Hang onto that as a gift that has come about as a result of all of the pain you've gone through. Odds are that if you and your ex got back together, you wouldn't be very happy after a while because you've grown and changed so much--and it sounds like she really hasn't.

 

So, stop setting yourself up to feel judged by others. Your friends on this site have a sense of you as a real stand-up guy, sensitive without being a wimp, smart, creative, funny--all things that real women absolutely go for. You are just on your way to meeting the woman who's out there looking for you. It'll happen. Trust, trust, trust.

 

(BTW, I edit books for designers and digital video artists--if you'd like a free copy of our Digital Video Production Cookbook, send me your address privately and I'll send you one as soon as it's done (next month). Recipes for doing all sorts of cool things, like shooting explosions without using any explosives, staging fistfights and car chases, and all that stuff.)

[perseverance_rules]

Well rion, my exgf cheated on me and to this day I miss her very much, and want her back in my life in my mind...but when I truly think about it, after all that has went on, things wouldnt be the same. I wouldnt look at her the same way. When I think back to how things were between us, we just couldnt get along enough to make things click right. I guess what I want now is her as a person, how she was, what she did, the spark in her eye...all that. I told the girl I was dating last night that I didnt think we could work, and it made me feel better to know that she definitely didnt want to lose the friendship. SHe had been buying me things, treating me like a king, but you know what, Im not used to that, and definitely not right now, so I told her that. I told her that I was feeling very pressured, and that I felt a nit smothered...and she understood...she cried for a bit, but understood. All I could be with her is honest...I did that, and now I feel better, and she respects that.

 

My exgf quit her job where I work just yesterday to get a better one. When I heard the news I was a bit crushed that I wouldnt see her anymore. Even though things are over, I still felt good knowing I could see her once a week even though it sort of hurt me when I did. I guess thats part of hanging on? Im not sure, but I do know I still love her even though she did a horrible thing to me....I guess thats true love?

 

When I sit back and think to myself who I want, she pops into my head...maybe not her, but someone who was as outgoing as her, and so loving to people, and would do anything for them....a motherly figure so to speak, not someone who was dull and boring.

 

Hang in there rion, im trying to!

[rionmccloud]

Ediefy, these are just observations I've made, thoughts that've crawled through my head, and maybe even realizations I didn't necessarily want to admit. Not really saying "Why doesn't she want me back", but merely wondering if you can care so much and think so highlyof somebody and yet still not want to be with that person. Makes no sense to me.

 

And all my life I've been the guy that gets "I like you too much as a friend" because that's what I am first. I have to be a friend first. I can't,generally, walk up to someone I don't know and say, "You're hot, wanna date?" I must know something about the person first. And by then it's too late. Again, just life experience there.

 

It's much easier to be your true self on a message board. In real life I'm a bit wimpy. Women still scare the hell out of me, but I'm getting better. I hold out hope of another true love, because that's what I had even if she didn't. Life is a big waiting game, and I'm used to that, so what's waiting a little more, eh?

 

Well, Perseverance, as time marches on people change, memories fade, and eventually things are okay. Distortion is a big part of remembering a loved one. It's easier to forget a lot of bad things about them. But I thnk that you may be like me, at this point I miss the feelings involved more than the person. They're great feelings, and why shouldn't they be missed? Just have to separate the two, because as everyone on here will tell you nobody else can make us happy. It's up to us.

 

And on that note I'll stop again. I love having the internet at home. And BTW, I am now scoring 7.3. Knew I could do better, heh.

[rionmccloud]

I would like to take a second to send my prayers to the south. We all have tragedy in our lives, but this overshadows all of that. One man in particular will get more than a few from me. He told of trying to save his wife from raging waters, and before she let go she told him to take care of their four kids. The man was severely distraught and even the reporter could barely contain herself. It was nearly too much for me. Send a prayer to this man, and all the people who've lost homes and loved ones in the Hurricane.

 

I can only hope I never have to feel that kind of pain, and hope these people can return to a normal life as soon as possible. There is talk of refugee camps outside New Orleans, but there is so much damage it will be months before people return home, if ever.

 

Say a prayer for them tonight, and for the man I mentioned as well.

[rionmccloud]

Well, I talked to the girl from the office downstairs. Man she's cute as a button... but anyway, I was telling her about my script, and she wants to be in it. Groovy. I was needing a leading lady, and maybe I've found one. Talk about killing two birds with one stone. Makes a real interesting date, methinks.