Diary of a recovering exboyfriend

[innbranna]

It's all too easy to go spiralling downwards in situations like these. I feel everybody around me - friends who have all those things I want for myself, movies, books, magazines - tells me that I'm entitled to the happy ending. That if my love is just strong enough, it will prevail, and he will finally see that, and come back to me.

 

It's hard to face the fact that we can't really expect anything from life, that there's no such thing as justice or fair dealing, that we have no "rights", that we can be the best people and still lose everything. And in the end, the only thing we can control, is how we deal with the loss.

 

I'm sorry, not much optimism from me, I'm afraid. It just pisses me off how people always tell you that you're such a wonderful person, and you're bound to find someone who will appreciate that. Of course, it may happen, but it may just as well not happen. And do I even want it to happen, when the only one I want right now, is him?

 

I think the only way is to accept that this is how we're feeling, and focus on the practical stuff, the day-to-day activities that we have to take care of, because the alternative would be to roll over and die, and that's not really an option.

[Zerohero]

Hey man just some advice. It's not good to go off telling your ex your feeling like that. They will more and likely go un answered because in her mind she as of right now does not want to have much to do with you.

 

There are happy endings, it's just they come about different for everyone. Let go of your feelings and find yourself. If you cannot love yourself then you can never love again and this is the truth.

[rionmccloud]

Thanks for the comments Zero and Innbranna. Trust me this is all things I know, and have heard many times on these boards. I really just vented feelings on here the last few days. But for those who care, the crisis is nearly over, I think.

 

Well, CE has no vehicle now. So I said "How about Friday I give you a ride home, and on the way we stop for drinks or doughnuts?" She was like "Yeah."

 

So I have plans for the weekend at least. What capacity those plans are in, I don't know. And next Thursday I'm going to dinner with the Lifeguard. Hopefully all these plans will remain. It really helps to take my mind off of things.

 

Friday I turn in all my documents to go back to college. I look forward to school again.

 

I've been reading The Sandman comics, by Neil Gaiman, and I suggest it for those who haven't read them.

 

I will be fine. Don't worry about me. Hope you all have good things happen in your lives.

[ediefy]

Rion--don't lose heart. This stuff takes time, and your situation is complicated because you can't do complete NC with your ex. Trust me, there is someone else out there for you who has many of the qualities you love in your ex, and much more. Some of what you're feeling are aftershocks--sort of a "ghost pain" that feels completely real, but ultimately is not based in what's actually there.

 

I know how you feel---even though I am starting to fall for this new guy, there are times when I miss the ex immensely. Yet, when I look back at the way things really were with the ex, I can see that the potential with the new guy is much larger, and a much better fit for me. I can think about the ex and say to myself, "If only he could have loved me, it would have been perfect." The truth is that the guy couldn't really love me (or anyone, near as I can tell), so there's no way for it to work out.

 

Be as patient as you can with yourself. Don't push yourself into some new intense thing--seems to me you're doing just fine, taking it as it comes with CE and the lifeguard. And in those moments of painful recollection and longing, try to breathe a few deep breaths and take heart. Go for a walk or work out or something--distract yourself from thinking that way as best you can.

 

You will find love with a new person, and it will be better than anything you've experienced to date. Trust that it will happen, because it will.

[rionmccloud]

Ediefy, I know. I am not pushing myself into anything. I'm trying to just spend time with CE. Trust me, I'm taking my time with everything these days. Congrats again on your own recovery.

 

I'm staying busy with games, reading, and digital painting. Sometimes it's hard is all. I'm not really slipping back to depression. Maybe a short visit, but I'm there to stay. Literally an hour after writing earlier I felt better. Sometimes I just miss her.

 

I'm looking forward to going out with CE again. I don't know if I should ask her if I'm boyfriend material or not, though. I don't exactly know how she feels about me other than the "Good friend" comment the other day. She thinks I'm nice and sweet, and pretty cool outside work. I think sharing my M&Ms really scores points on the interest scale.

 

Sometimes I just feel like I'm lost. As I mention often, I can't read people, especially women. Obvious example with the ex and thinking maybe she was leaning torwards getting together again. I'm afraid I just see what I want to see, and even then I stress out over things because I'm wrong.

 

Why can't CE, or the lifeguard, or my ex just come out and say exactly how things are? No need to spare my feelings. I won't hold it against them (unless they say they want me to ). I just want everything to be in the open so there's no confusion.

[ediefy]

Why these women don't come right out and tell you how they feel: it's a moving target, and maybe they're not sure yet. You're still getting to know the lifeguard and CE, and they both know (I think) what you've been going through, to some extent, so they might be afraid to express too much liking for you lest it become a whole rebound situation. Or else they just don't know, honestly, and are waiting to see what they think. Or else they may be waiting for you to be the first to say "I really like you."

 

There could be any of a million reasons why they're not spilling their beans on how they feel about you. Pay attention to how they act. And give voice to your own feelings when you feel like that's what you want to do, not because you want to hear back from them what they feel (and don't expect they'll respond in kind), but because it's what you feel, and you just want them to know.

 

At least that's my philosophy (sorry, didn't mean to get into lecture mode).

[rionmccloud]

It's perfectly alright Ediefy. You're right. There are too many variables in my life right now. I'll just wait. I've been told I have the patience of a god, and I mostly tend to agree.

 

It would just make things easier, is all.

 

Things are well in my life for now. I have been saying that a lot lately, and that makes me glad. I'm nearing the tail of the most recent resistance. I've stopped worrying about my ex, for now. I know it will come again, and again I'll face it down. I feel much stronger than I was, emotionally. I was very stoic for years, and I confused that with strength, but now I see what that strength really is. Acknowledging your emotions, and letting come when it's appropriate is strength. I'm not afraid to feell sad or cry, when it's warranted.

 

I talked to a girl at work today. It may not seem like much, but for me it's amazing. I was on my smoke break when she came out. She does not work in my office. She need a light so I offered mine. We talked through the rest of my break. She was nice and cute. A year ago I never would have offered the light. She would have had to ask, and then I would have avoided any following conversation.

 

Oh how things have changed in the last few months.

 

I think I might ask CE exactly where we are. I mean, are we dating, friends, acquaintances, does she just like free meals... I need to know, because I'm not going to waste my time hoping for more if I'm labeled as a friend only, with no chance of getting the boyfriend stamp. I put 8 years into a relationship, and I'm going to put 5 minutes into something that will never work. If that even makes sense....

 

Well, I'm done for now. Maybe more later. May good things enter your lives at all times.

[rionmccloud]

I was a failure every day of my life until recently. I see this now, in retrospect. I thought less and expected less of myself than anybody else until recently. My relationsip failed because I felt like a failure. I didn't try harder in my life because I was afraid of failure. I didn't pursue my dreams because I thought I might fail. I didn't take chances. I was a failure, and it's because I was too scared to even try.

 

No more. I have taken many chances in the last month. I saw them ahead, and saw the paths of success and failure, and I braved them both. I met at the intersection with fear, and I satred him down and spit in his eye. And in the end I was not afraid of failure. I knew it was just a different path through life, one that would have it's own choices down the road. And in the end, I would be a better person having gone toe to toe with my own anxiety. Today, I am a failure no more.

 

Was that a little much maybe? I don't want to seem so dramatic, but it makes for a more interesting read. Now that off my dramatic kick...

 

I talked to the ex again about my feelings. She stayed to hear me out. I let her know that today I'm fine. Tomorrow I may not be. There will be times when I just plain miss her. They will be hard, but I will be fine. I told her not to worry. It's my problem to deal with. She's not at a point to be able to help me feel better. And that's fine. I don't need her for that anymore. She's not the keeper of my happiness, and I won't allow anyone else to be again.

 

Yeah. I think I'm done for now.

[rionmccloud]

But, to expand upon my previous post a bit, it would be nice to not sit home alone on the weekends. I did that again this weekend. CE didn't need a ride Friday, or want to do anything. I said to call Saturday if she wanted to do something. She did not. I tried calling her today, and she neither answered nor called back. I tried calling the lifeguard, and no answer or call back. I tried calling all of my friends, and nobody was home. All alone again. I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't so boring. I'm in a rut, and I can't get out. I'm not really depressed about things, just disappointed, I guess.

 

Maybe I should stop trying with CE and the lifeguard? I mean, I wish somebody would say to me "You know, you're nice, but I don't want to do anything with you this weekend." At least then I'd know for sure and could stop embarrassing myself by continually hitting my head against walls. I just want somebody to care, to hold me, and to have fun with. Is that really so hard to find? I'm not talking about love, just somebody I can be close to. Maybe it is too much to ask for. It wouldn't be enough, anyways. They wouldn't be my ex, and in the end that may be the downfall of a relationship.

 

I don't know what I really want out of life, but I know that what I have right now is sure as hell not it.

[ediefy]

And I'm walking around kicking myself because the new guy, nice as he is, isn't my ex, either. Things with my ex were so easy every day--we were a good fit, neither of us too intense about most things. The new guy is great, but is also incredibly intense about everything in his life, which is a little overwhelming. I miss the easy day-to-day life I had with my ex. I still can't believe that he could just excise me from his life so completely, when I had such good relationships with his kids, his friends, everyone in his life (except maybe some woman he may have dumped me for). I still don't know why he left me, and it is driving me crazy.

 

And I don't want to have it make this new relationship get off on such rocky footing. I have fun with the new guy, enjoy being with him, but even then, I"ll think of my ex and want to be with him, even though he wasn't half as attentive as the new guy. What is my frigging problem, already? Over 100 days have gone by, I've cried my eyes out over and over again, I've had no contact with the ex, but every time I get in my car, I look for his car on the highway near my house (he lives nearby and his car is easy to spot). I keep wondering what he thinks when he drives by my house--does he wonder what's going on in my life? does he even think about me at all? And then I tell myself, "It doesn't matter anyway--he's not coming back, and you have to let go of this for good."

 

I hate this part. How long do I have to do this?

[Mjane]

I'm not going to go into details about my hellish year... but I know one thing that makes me feel like crap is wishing/wondering/analyzing about a relationship... if a girl doesn't return a call or two... then write her off.

you need this to keep up your spirits because all these unreturned phone calls are going to start getting you down. I also have spent the past two weekends by myself. So, I'm there with you.

Can you spend more time with your son?

[rionmccloud]

Ediefy, I know your pain here. It's hard to NOT compare someone new to the ex. What kind of person would you be if didn't do that? Just keep looking on the bright side of things. I'm trying that, and it does help a lot.

 

And to Mjane's post, I'm not really analyzing things here. I just wish I cuold be told straight what things are. I mean, if CE doesn't want me in a romantic way but wants to be friends, that's fine. I have no problem with that, but at the same time if you say "Yeah I need a ride home" then take the ride home and don't make other plans. If you don't want me to call you, then don't give me your number.

 

I just wanted to get some ice cream and thought maybe somebody'd like to go with me. It's just a little annoying when you call people and they don't answer. So you wait an hour or two, or a day, and they still don't answer.

 

On top of that I have to deal with my Ex and her new BF as well today. I really don't mind them apart, but I swear if I ever see them kiss it's over. I'll absolutely lose it. I mean, I look at him and see a short little trollish guy with some kind of skin problem causing him to flake everywhere. It looks like a full-body rash. I know it's more than physical, but still. Compared to this guy I'm friggin Brad Pitt.

 

But I'm straying from the subject. I just want people to be straight with me. That's all. That way I can expend my energy in other areas that may need it.

[Mjane]

But people aren't straight with you. Me neither. That's just the way it is.

How bout guys who say they will call and don't?

How bout guys who break up with you by disappearing, never to be heard from again?

Everyone isn't kind hearted. That's why we must recognize the hints, signs, and protect ourselves.

[rionmccloud]

But maybe that's why people think it's okay to be indirect and say "They'll get the hint." I decided I will try forcing them to be straight. I'll keep asking until I get a straight answer. I don't need to be protected from feeling. Yeah it hurts, but that's part of being human and alive, isn't it?

 

Mjane, I'm sorrt to read your post, as it shows you have been devastated in the past. It's unfortunate to have to go through these things, but I'm not going to pull my had in my shell and give up. You shouldn't be so negative about it either. I believe Brando, a member on here I hope you hear from, said "You can't make anybody feel anything, only decide how you feel." Or something like that, and he's right.

 

Just because "That's the way it is" doesn't make it right, and doesn't mean we have to take it. It may be futile to make this stand, but I am anyways.

 

I was talking to a friend at work a little earlier and thought, "There's probably tens of thousands of single people in Louisville. I just want one. How hard should that be?"

[rionmccloud]

So, the girl I met that works in my building is probing me with questions. She was talking about moving out and I said to stay home and save money. So she asked me "So yout live alone, no pets and no girlfriend?" Then I told her I've seen her run to her car at night. She said she's paranoid about something happening, and asked me what time my next break is so she can leave then and I can watch her leave. She's really nice, but she's also 19. Maybe a bit young for me at 25. Maybe, again, I'm reading too much into things and she's just making conversation with a guy she smokes with most days.

 

I think I'm going to mostly give up on all the women in my life. CE is nice, and I like her alot, but I think she's likely lost interest already. Maybe I screwed up the second date. I thought it went well.

 

The Lifeguard is unikely to show up on Thursday, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt for now. If she doesn't show or changes plans I'll write her off as well. I would like to stay friends with them both, though.

 

I shaved, and it is bad. I'm growing the beard back. I keep it trimmed, so it looks good.

 

I quit working for my ex's new BF. I couldn't concentrate on the extra work in my life. Plus I don't like him.

 

Any input on the girl I smoke with? I think the signs are there, but the age difference makes me a bit wary.

[ediefy]

I can't advise about the age difference--it's hard to know, and I'm too old to remember what it was like to be 19 and like a 25-year-old. Those are some pretty key years, from 19-25.

 

I had a crappy day myself. Was out running errands and found myself at a stop sign, just accross from my ex's ex-wife and son. First time I've seen them since the breakup--and they saw me, too. I waved to them, and drove up the street to my driveway. They waved back and kept on going past my driveway, as I would have expected.

 

Just what I didn't need today, since I've been missing my ex like crazy for the past few days. And I miss his kids a lot--I liked being part of the family group, even got along with the ex-wife. It all makes me very sad.

 

And I don't think things are going to work out with the new guy. Things seem to have gone flat between us right now, not sure if it's my doing or his or both of ours. He takes too many things personally, and everything I do or say isn't about him. Hard to be around that kind of energy for long. God, I miss how easy things were with the ex. How did all of that come to such an abrupt end? (I'm so sick of thinking about it, feeling sad about it, then feeling better for a bit, then getting sad all over again. It just has to stop, somehow.)

 

I guess the only advice I have for you is to not take those interactions and responses from the various women you're interested in so personally. Some of what's going on with them has nothing, really, to do with you. It's about where they are in their lives, too, not a review of your performance or self. So, if you want to ask them out, do it. If they say no, ask again, some other time. If they still say no, then bag it and don't feel badly about it. You may never know why they're not saying yes, but you have to believe that you're okay, and a good person, no matter what they do. Because it's true.

[rionmccloud]

Ediefy, thanks for the vote of confidence. I'm sorry to hear about your new pains. Just hang there, like the cat on the poster.

 

I don't really take responses and actions personally. At least I don't think I do. What I do know is that I'm keeping the beard for a good long time. Everybody says it looks fine, but I'm not so sure. The beard hides my sagging chin.. heh-heh. I hate getting older.

 

I think I'll offer to walk the office girl to her car at night. I've done it before for a girl in my own office that was worried about that. No deviousness there, just like to help when I can. Peace of mind can be a great thing to have.

 

Hang in there Ediefy. If I can deal with the ex daily, and her new BF on occasion, I know you can do this. Just lift your chin up and keep your eyes forward, or you'll trip over something in the road.

[ediefy]

Thanks. Woke up this morning in a flood of tears--good to see your post. I'm so not looking forward to having a big talk with the new guy, but it's clear that's what I need to do, and then we can both move on, if that's what seems to be the right thing. And I'm guessing it is. Sad, though--it's been nice to have someone to be with, talk to, do stuff with, hold hands with, and all that stuff. So many people like the beginning of relationships--I prefer being about 6 months into a good, solid connection. The whole beginning part is like having the flu, somehow. Too much of a roller-coaster. I don't need that kind of drama in my life anymore.

 

Have a good day, Rion. And thanks for being there.

[rionmccloud]

Ediefy, sometimes we have to do things that hurt to make progress. Sad as that is.

 

As for my day. It has been hellish. My car broke down again. Transmission problems. They got it running, but that took all day, and lasted only a few hours. My ex gave me a ride home, and that made me sad, thinking of the past and missing her more again. I couldn't sleep, and then my dad calls me. They need to get rid of their dog, which used to be mine, and he wanted me to do it. It's not my damn problem, and he tries to guilt me into doing it. Really crappy, dad. Then I sleep for about 3 hours and rose again to retreive my car. Two hours later it is undrivable again. I need a new car, and can't afford it, nor can I afford the repairs on my current car. So my ex gave me a ride to work.

 

I wonder why it seems when things are going good I MUST expect that it won't last. I have to say "Something's gotta go wrong cause I feel way too good". I hate being like that. My ex said god is testing me, to which I repied "For What? Haven't I gone through enough in the last six or seven months? What is there left to prove? Haven't I overcome enough?"

 

I hate being kicked repeatedly when I'm already down. Really bruises the ego, ya know?

[SexySadie7]

Couldn't you take your dog back? Sounds like you cud use the company now anyway.. car probs are a pain in the neck. i agree.

[rionmccloud]

The dog's too big for my apartment, and bad as it sounds, it's SEP. Somebody Else's Problem. I already had to take our other dog to be put to sleep, and my dad acts like this isn't asking for much and I never help them out with anything. I don't like being guilted into doing things by anybody, much less my parents. They don't seem to realize I have my own life and my own major problems right now.

 

Now on top of everything I'm looking for a new car. Money problems will get tighter, but it will be worth it. I've been in tighter spots.

[rionmccloud]

No new car for me. Apparently the bank doesn't want to give me a break. Oh well. I get my internet hooked back up tomorrow, so at least there's that I suppose. Very aggravating.

 

Other than that there's nothing new to report today.

[perseverance_rules]

Well Rion, Ive still been reading your posts. Least were here for ya man.

 

On a side note for me, my ex's friend and her are planning on getting together to talk for the first time since our breakup. Im not sure how I feel about that. At first I was all for it...now that they are going to talk, it makes me feel as though I will be on the outside looking in on things. She has been my friend through all of this, but terribly misses her friend of 20 years. Now that I know they are talking again, the feelings of wanting her back are terribly on my mind...even though they have been there for quite awhile.

 

I overheard my ex talking to someone about us, and they asked if we thought about making things work again, she said that too many people were hurt, and she knows she was in the wrong, but its too late now...which is sort of how I feel right now, but I miss her VERY much. If only I could talk to her some, maybe I could move on...If only I could sit with her one on one and talk about the possibilities again, at least we would both know why it would be so difficult on us. I really believe she wants me back, but realizes there are too many people that would totally disown me if I did that. Would almost be looked at as a weak person for doing so. So now I have had a few days lately that I cant get her off my mind. I have been with a few women in the last few weeks sexually, but its not the same, and each time I find myself thinking that they dont compare, and theyre not the one for me, instead of living in the moment. Id love to live in the moment, but I also dont want to string someone along that I dont plan on being with either. Right now for me is based on having a good time, and getting out and meeting new women and friends...which has helped, but even after dating 4 women and sleeping with two, it still hasnt helped me cope with the loss, not saying that this is the answer, but time hasnt been there for me, I couldnt possibly wait a year and then go out and find a woman.

 

So I am too confused to say the least, and wish no one knew what happened between her and I, but I cant change the past, and Im having a hard time telling myself that I would be stooping to a low level for wanting to take her back.

 

its a hard thing to take.

[rionmccloud]

Just remember, as your handle says, perseverance is key. Just hang in there, and always do what feels right. That's what I do, and I think it's the way we should all work. We know in our hearts what's right and wrong for us.

 

And I thank you all for being here for me. Many days all I do is complain, and I'm glad for the chance and place to vent these feelings. They'd consume me otherwise.

 

We all need to hang in there. In my 25 years one thing I've learned is that things work themselves out in the end. Maybe not how you expected, but they always do.

[SexySadie7]

No perservance.. do what is right for YOU

"Right now for me is based on having a good time, and getting out and meeting new women and friends...which has helped, but even after dating 4 women and sleeping with two, it still hasnt helped me cope with the loss, not saying that this is the answer, but time hasnt been there for me, I couldnt possibly wait a year and then go out and find a woman."

Yeah.. much better to sleep with alot of women and break THEIR hearts than have one break yours...

You guys are something else.

And maybe therein lies the reason rioncloud that CE and your lifeguard friend are hesitant to start something with you seriously.. They BOTH know in their hearts that they will just be REBOUND Material. Not a nice place to be.