Diary of a recovering exboyfriend

[rionmccloud]

The date went well guys. I looked great, felt great, and we both had a good time. I hope I get a second one with her. She had at wanting to put Linux on her laptop. Rawr!!

 

I do have a date with the lifeguard as well, set for Thursday. We are planning to grab a bite to eat at this point. She may have to work at the pool that night, but if so then I'll bring dinner to her. Maybe a beer too. She's hard for me to read, guys. Some days it seems like she's just waiting for me to ask her out, and is laughing and playing really hard. Other days it's like she barely wants to speak with me. She said to me today that she has a hard time staying interested in guys. She'll be with someone for two years and just... lose interest. Guess this means I don't stand a chance, cause I'm pretty damned boring. Oh well, we'll see what happens.

 

I talked to the ex today. Her and the new BF are having issues. Basically he's starting business, and it will likely come before her. Despite what he tells her he cares more for HIS future than THEIRS. That's the kind of guy he is. A little overambitious, I guess. I told her not to worry about it, what happens happens, blah blah blah. The same old shpiel. I really don't want to see her get hurt, but if she does then I'm here for her, and she knows it. You guys should read the NIce Guy thread. Totally how I feel sometimes. Heh. But that's okay.

 

So I surived my first post-breakup date, and had a good time with a cute girl. She's 3 years younger, but that doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. I didn't know her age before we went out, btw. I hope for another, and maybe more after that. I feel great today. I really needed that date.

 

Soon, I have the misfortune to say, I may stop posting on enotalone all together. I am returning to normal, and finding myself more and more every day. I think when I do come all the way back to normalcy I just might be a bit stronger than before.

 

That's something I'm looking forward too, and when that day comes will miss you all deeply.

[ediefy]

Congratulations on the date. I doubt you're as boring as you think you are--you need to learn to be more gentle with yourself. Talk to yourself the way you'd talk to a good friend--you'd never be so openly critical of a friend.

 

I decided to go for it this weekend and had that first-sex-after-breaking-up experience. It went pretty well--the guy I'm dating is a very nice guy, also recovering from a fairly recent breakup, so we talked about the whole thing before anything happened, which I think made us both feel both closer and safer with each other. It's so nice to have someone else on my mind!

 

On another note, I was driving down the highway last night and saw my ex's car coming up behind me in the fast lane. Looked over as it passed--I think his son was driving. Never saw me, never even looked over, and then zoomed on ahead. Had a brief thought to follow, just to be sure it wasn't actually the ex, and then thought 1) who cares, it would change nothing, and 2) not worth getting a speeding ticket for. Felt like a good, sane, healthy choice. It did shake me up a little to see the car, though. Haven't seen him since three days before he dumped me (way back in May). Eventually, I'm sure we'll run into each other somewhere. Hope it'll be a while yet.

 

(BTW, 3 years between your age and the woman you had the date with may seem like a lot to you, but it isn't. The guy I'm seeing is 43, I'm 50. I've never, ever dated (or slept with) anyone that much younger before. But we're really pretty close in age and experience after all. So, don't get hung up on that. In a few years, it _really_ won't matter.)

 

Hope this wasn't an overshare on my part...

 

I'll be sad when you're no longer reporting in on your life. It's been good to follow along....

[rionmccloud]

Congrats to you too Ediefy. I can't even imagine what that first sex experience will be like. I imagine by the time it reaches that point I'll be fine with it, but who knows. I get butterflies at the thought of kissing a girl besides my ex right now, no matter how much I want to.

 

Unfortunately, I am like that with my friends. They know I won't caudle them and tell them what they want to hear. May cut down on the number of friends I have, but the ones I do are the best you could ask for.

 

I don't feel like my life is very interesting at this point. I am currently just getting along as well as I can. The ex doesn't get to me much anymore. I don't cry myself to sleep..... as often. Heh. I honestly don't know why I bother keeping this journal anymore sometimes. I'm glad people enjoy reading it, and I'd like to think I can be funy even at the worst of times in my life. I try to make light of any situation as a coping mechanism.

 

I spoke with my date today. She said she had a good time. I haven't asked for another yet, and I'm hoping she'll take the pressure off by asking me. Is that so much to ask for? I mean really. I did invite her to go swimming with me one day, then I realised I'm trying to date the lifeguard too. That could be a bad thing to do. Luckily I have two pools to choose from. The age difference isn't that bad at all. She's fun to be around and I'm probably mentally more like a 22 year old than a 25 year old.

 

I am finally fiding myself I think. My life seems to evolving around me into something I really love. I don't have my ex telling me grow up, when to get a haircut, how to dress, etc. This is leaving me open to find my true self. And I'm finding I ROCK!!

 

Well, thank you again for perusing this personal paper of preposterousness and prosperity. I hope I can continue to amuse you all, and myself, as I continue this journey of self-discovery and love.

 

As always, you're all in my prayers. Thank you.

[rionmccloud]

Ah ha!! I have a second date!! I can't stop smiling now! I proposed I cook for her, and she was like "Okay". Bad news is, I'm not a very good cook. Guess I've got a few days to practice eh. Slowly reeling her in with my masculine wiles. Heh. Yeah right.

 

This is great... But now I have to clean my apartment and hide the porn. Oh well, my home and mind need a good washing these days.

 

I feel like Tom Cruise, execpt without jumping on Oprah's couch and being completely insane.

 

I Rock!!

[perseverance_rules]

Good Luck man, thats the best part of dating! I cooked for my ex when I first met her, as I did a few women before her. It means a lot to them trust me....whether or not youre a good cook is besides the point, just have something ready on the side if it sucks, either that or a 20 spot for take out...LOL

 

Those dates are great too, you get to know each other on a good level, and see if things can go from there.

 

Glad to see youre happy and excited again. Ill be there soon man, just have to get rid of the need clingy women again, thats where Im at, and I just cant shake a few women that are desperate. I know what to do with that, just hope to find a woman to do that with soon, i too look forward to it.

 

Cheers!

[rionmccloud]

Well, I talked to her today and made sure she knows it will be dinner at my place. She didn't seem to mind. That's a relief, as I wasn't sure if she realised that. I feel much less nevous today, but I'm sure Friday I'll be a train wreck. I need to clean and buy stuff, so that should keep me occupied. I've had friends offer to cook and let me take the credit, but I'm passing on those offers. I want to show off my cooking skills, and hopefully not a lack thereof.

 

I will keep money aside in case it all goes horribly wrong and take-out is needed.

 

I haven't contacted the lifeguard about dinner tomorrow, since it rained today. Hopefully I'll see her tomorrow and finalize plans. She may be working, in which case I'll bring dinner to the pool again.

 

Apparently, according to people posting in my thread in dating, I am a sweetheart. To that I say no, I am just me. If that means I'm a nice guy, then so be it. I am not ashamed of that classification.

 

Of course when it is all said and done you'll get to hear about it. I could never deny my loyal fans. Heh. Yeah right...

[rionmccloud]

Re-posted from my thread in dating for the benefit of people that didn't read it. Other than that I don't really new for today. Thanks anyways.

[rionmccloud]

Wow, I guess it's been a while for this diary of mine, eh? Apologies to loyal readers. I've been so wrapped up in dating this girl I've only been posting in Dating. Heh.

 

There really isn't much new in my life. I went to a meeting with my ex's new BF last night about the logo and menu I'm designing for him. It went well. The other parties involved seem okay, so it was no sweat. They all liked the logo, so I'm thinking of asking for half up front and half the money when it's all done. That's fair, and usual for the industry I believe. It was nice to be working on graphic design again. It feels like forever since I last picked up my Wacom to work in photoshop and pagemaker. My flash projects are going well so far, too. When some are done maybe I'll post a link to them.

 

My Ex is worried about her finances. She was prety upset when she came to get our son from me today. I did what is probably the wrong thing. I held her for a moment and talked to her. We talked a bit and when she left I hugged her again. I thought I was nearly completely over her, but after that I think I've still got a ways to go. I'm heading in the right direction though. It just felt so good. Like being home again. Heh. Guess I'm just a sentimental fool sometimes. I'm not upset in any way over this, just remembering the good times. Times when she'd turn to me for help, a hug, and a shoulder to cry on. I let her know again I'm still here for her if she needs someone. Maybe that was a mistake as well. I guess only time will tell. I don't regret it at all.

 

BTW I've officially been able to keep my weight steady at 165. Go me! That's a good 25-30 pounds since the breakup. My goal is 150, with muscle. Maybe I'll get there. Guess I should quit the pool and hit the gym more. But I love my tan so much!!

 

Peace out evrybody. All good thoughts are coming your way.

[rionmccloud]

Well guys, an example of how far I;ve come in the past months: I was talking with my friend Erin, one of three friends I went out with a few months back, and she said one of the girls was asking about me coming along with them when they go out again. I've already heard her sister also asked about "When did he get so cool?"

 

I have come a long way friends, a long way indeed. I have a third date for this weekend with CE. I am looking forward to it, and the very likely kiss to come at the end of the night. This girl gets my gears turning, you know. No it's not love and I don't think it is in any way shape or form, but is attraction. I enjoy the time together, and look forward to seeing her at work. I hope things continue in this way for a while. If not forever, that's fine too. She's 22, so I don't expect a wife, nor am I looking for one. I have exactly what I wanted: Someone to date and have a good time with.

 

The ex told me I look good lately, as have many girls and a gay man at work. While I appreciate the comments I don't need them. I KNOW I look good lately. Not in a conceited way, but because I FEEL good lately, I care about how I look, I try to look nice, and I just feel better all around. Everybody sees the changes in attitude and looks. I've lost a lot of weight and am keeping it off for now. I am getting more work done and with better quality at my job. I'm doing more things in my personal life I enjoy.

 

To sum things up, I like my life now. It's really started to grow on me.

 

Peace out.

[rionmccloud]

Oh yeah, thanks for looking everybody. I just noticed my reads are over 2000. Guess it's a popular thread, eh?

 

Seriously thank you all for looking and commenting, and I hope I have taught something to people looking for a role model in their own breakup recovery.

 

May you all have long and happy days.

[perseverance_rules]

rion, I read every message you put up here bro. Im not sure if youve looked at my post here in healing, but a lot of people have.

 

link removed

 

Its a little long winded at times, sometimes Im dealing with no responses, and get back on to vent again, and seek guidance too.

 

What I am dealing with now is that I am seeing two different women (just dating of course) in which I dont know what will come of.

 

They both know my situation, and Im trying to keep myself from rebounding into something I will regret later. The memories of my exgf are very vivid as of late, and sometimes a life with someone, especially as she lived with me for two years, seems like it fades so fast, and is not fair to have happened this way. I wonder whether she thinks of me and the good times we shared as I do of her. Its hard to say she does considering all the details that unfolded in the end. I couldnt see a possibility of being with someone else when i was with her. I dealt with the arguments, I dealt with how she was and accepted her. In my opinion, everyone has faults, and hers werent too hard to bare when I was with her, but looking back now that I have found a few women who are totally different than that I realize I sold myself short in that department. Its almost as if she is a wonderful woman in a lot of ways, but her main problem was a condition most people see as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. ITs hard to deal and live with someone like this, and I wouldnt wish it on anyone.

 

Now my life is at a standstill, and I only look forward to the weekends now. Its hard to stay focused on my job, but I do have good days as well. Today I woke up and couldnt think of anything but the ex. Earlier I spoke with one of the girls Im dating for almost two hours. We have spent three nights together in the past week, and I can tell she really likes me, but I have explained to her that Im in no rush and to not get her hopes of the future up.

 

ITs nice to see that you have your confidence back, mine is slowly starting to come there. My situation is slightly different from yours but the feelings we both have or had are mirrored.

 

Hope is that we both come back to this site in a few years and speak about our new lives with our new women, or possibly new wives? Who knows, but I do know Ill always read these posts and think to myself, WOW, what a hard time that was, and wow look how far Ive come.

 

Thanks for all your posts rion, it helps us to put our own situations into perspective. Theres always someone out there who is dealing with the same or worse.

 

Keep posting, I know I will.

[rionmccloud]

Well, every time I think I'm totally fine I keep getting suckd back in to despair. Not as bad as it was, but it still eats at me sometimes. I was asked to bring our son to the house. My old house. The place we built and filled together. The place that is now occupied by someone else who does not deserve any of it.

 

I was mostly fine. I walked in, dropped our son off and chatted about the weekend schedule. Then I saw the bedroom. The door was open, I wasn't snooping. I saw new things. Things that weren't and shouldn't be there. Clothes, books, and more. Another man's things where mine should be.

 

I left abruptly, barely saying goodbye. I was on the verge of tears. I recovered quickly, but that one moment of despair was enough to remind of where I've been, and that I'm really only a few steps ahead of it. I could slip back again just as easily as this, but slide much deeper. It's a place I never want to go to again.

 

CE, the girl from work I'm dating, was unavailable to me tonight. I will call tomorrow to solidify plans. A guy at work was telling me she's been speaking highly of me. That gave me warm fuzzies and alleviated some of my uneasiness about things. I know she must like me a bit to go out with me three times, but I worry anyways.

 

My son will stay the night, and we're going to the zoo Saturday. It will be a good weekend.

 

Peace out everybody. Hope you all have happy days.

[rionmccloud]

Well, guys. Me and CE didn't get together this weekend. I was going to go out with her tonight and call in sick to work, but I need to overtime so I called back and cancelled. Guess that makes us even for last Sunday. I was really looking forward to seeing her outside work again. Guess that kiss I so desire will have to wait.

 

Last night was a hard night for me eventually. My son woke so I laid down with him to sleep, easing his fears a little bit. He's still getting used to the idea of sleeping at my place. As I lay there, I cried for the first time in many days. I wept for the memories of all three of us, myself, my son, and , my ex, laying in bed at night. All together. I miss that. I miss her. When I think I'm fine there's always something to remind me I'm not completely well yet. Maybe I'm farther away from it than I think. I guess time will tell.

 

On the plus side, I guess you could call it that, I have fantasized about CE. I don't think of the ex sexually very often anymore. I think that's a good thing.

 

Well, I better get back to work. I just wanted to get more thoughts out of my head so maybe I can sleep better in the morning. Thanks again to all of you.

[ediefy]

It's killer how the exes can still make one's heart twinge so badly at times. Aftershocks, I think.

 

I am seeing a great new guy--really, really like him a lot, and he likes me. He's way more communicative than the ex, better-looking, more talented, an all-around good guy in a million ways. And yet, at times, I really miss the ex and wish I was with him instead. I'm a little irritated at myself for feeling this way, but there it is, so I'm just trying to let the feelings come as they may, and deal with them as best I can in the moment. Ultimately, I guess it's a testament to how deeply we both cared about our exes, and how large a capacity for love and connection we have. Nothing wrong with that.

 

Hope you feel better and better as time goes on. Best to feel the feelings and get them all out there, so you can really move on. And I hope you get that first real kiss from the new woman in your life, and it's more spectacular than you ever thought possible.

[rionmccloud]

Thanks Ediefy. You're one of those whose support I've come to count on. I'm glad to hear things are going well for you. You're right, it is good to know I have have that kind of capacity for love. The kiss will be amazing and life changing, I'm sure. I have no doubts I will welcome it when it comes, whenever that may be.

 

On other news, I have a direction in my life. I have been struggling about going back to school, again. I already have an Associate's degree in graphic design, but I think I want to teach. What better way to try and improve the future than guiding the youth of today? So I will start setting those wheels in motion. It will be hard to work full time and go to class, all while trying to raise a son and date, but I welcome the challege. I've done it before, and I can do it again.

 

I am trying to get together with CE again this weekend. The Lifeguard is pretty much no longer a player in things. I like her, but these days she seems more aloof than anything. Maybe I'll ask her out this weekend. Give it one last shot. My good friend on the board, Shidoshi be thy name, says I should keep trying to date more than one person. I think he's right, to a point. If things don't gop anywhere with the lifeguard, then I doubt I'll be looking for someone else. I like CE alot. She akes me laugh, and I feel much better when she's around. I'm getting less nervous about things, so my personality is shining through more. I wish I was faster at being comfortable with people but I'm not. I just hope she doesn't lose interest before I fully come out of the shell.

 

Well, again, I could go on forever, but I'm stopping now. Thanks again.

[perseverance_rules]

HEY RION! I too agree that dating more than one is really worthwhile for us. I am doing the same at the moment. It does wonders to help find what youre looking for and not settle for something you may not want. Have fun with dating, after all it is just that, Dating. When the one comes along it wont take more than a date or two to find that out. So have fun like im doing and take it as it goes. Basically, I waited two weeks to finally go out on my date with a woman I had been talking to and when I did I found out that she had more within her life than I would want, so I left it as a friends type thing and kept it on that level. I too will know when the right one comes along. Havent found that yet at age 29, but theer are many more of us that are older here that are going through the same.

 

Until then, dont wait around for her, go date and have a good time...its a two birds with one stone type of thing there, youre having fun, and not staying cooped up, and at the same time youre finding yourself...who knows you may go on your next date and shes the one...lets hope so

 

keep us posted rion!

[Zerohero]

Wow,

 

 

After reading through all these pages and your drama in your life I actually felt really bad for you man honestly. Im still dealing with my break up a little bit every now and then. I have the flash backs like you described. But I've been getting better. ALOT better actually, there are other girls out there that are interested in me. I have my eye on one particually and hopefully she will be coming down to the college I go to soon.

 

6 months after the break up the worst thing that bothers me is the old memories. But I have noticed days where I wake up and don't think about the Ex at all and it shocks me. I enjoy the thought of forgeting. You will reach this point as well soon.

 

The only thing I have to worry about is seeing the ex at the college and her b day is coming up. But I think I will not go even if I'm invited to go. I might have a few months ago but I really feel like there is no point to going.

 

But yea man keep your head up and I really pray someone comes along to bless you they way you where intended to be blessed.

[rionmccloud]

Well, guys thanks for the comments. Glad to see we're all doing much better than we were. Thanks again for reading this.

 

Well, my ex called me and asked me to take our son to her mother's house. Her uncle was in town, and she would be having dinner there. I said sure, I need Overtime at work anyway since I gave you all my money cause you think your money problems are more important than mine... Well, I said okay anyways. The rest I wanted to say, but restraint was exercised.

 

Anyway, back on track, I took our son over. It turns out her uncle AND grandparents were there. I was so happy to see them all. I love her grandparents so much, and I've missed them dearly since the breakup. We didn't see them often, but knowing I likely never would again really hurt. So her grandfather ones of those guys that teases in a mean way. Whenever he'd see the ex he'd always say "You gaining weight? I can't get my arms around you." She's not thin but she's not fat either.

 

So that's the kind of guy he is. So he looks at me and says "Hey, have you lost some weight?" I was shocked. Most people see me everyday so they don't really notice. I laughed a little and said, "Yeah, like 25 pounds or so." Her grandmother asked me "Are you eating anything?" I laghed again. I lost my grandparents before I was old enough to know them, so her grandparents have been dear to me for several years. Great people. It was really good to see them. Perked me up a bit to get the weight loss noticed too. I'm not really skinny or fat, so the weight loss wasn't all that noticeable for a while. Her mother was even pretty nice. She always has been, but it seemed almost more genuine for once. Maybe it's because I on't give a damn if she likes me or not anymore. She never really disliked me, but I know the new guy is probably more like the person she always pictured my ex with. I blindsided her out of far left field. heh.

 

I don't think I'm gong out this weekend. I need the money, so I'll likely be working. I'm broke anyways, so it's probably a good thing. Maybe I'll go with friends who'll buy my beers. Oh it's so evil it's delicious!

 

Well, guys, that's all I have except to check out this link. This chick rocks. link removed

[rionmccloud]

Well, guys, my path is set. I am headed to Indiana University Southeast on Friday to get the ball rolling. I'm looking forward to being in school again. Hopefully I can start next month and not have to wait till the spring.

 

I talked to the lifeguard about this, it's where she went, and she was very supportive of the idea. I asked her out for the weekend but she already had plans, again. I did, however, get her number and gave her mine. She sais she'd help with my classes, if I need it. I really don't think I will, but maybe I'll make sure I do anyway.

 

CE has plans for the weekend as well. Looks like I'm home alone again. I really don't mind these days, though. I joked with her about me coming first, and she said "Well next I'll tell people to wait until I can confirm things with my GOOD FRIEND first." Makes me wonder what that means. She hasn't known me that long, really. I take it as a good sign, but still wonder what it means. Any input, from the ladies especially, on this is welcomed.

 

I have also applied for a new position in my company. It would be in a leadership role, and also mean a raise. I'm not sure if I really want it or not, but I figured I'd try.

 

Well, that's all for now guys. Life's been good to me latel, and I hope you can all say the same.

[ediefy]

If you reread your last post and compare it to where you were when you first started out on this journey--night and day, huh? Pretty cool that you're making all of these changes and stepping out to reclaim your life and move ahead probably farther than you would have thought possible.

 

And I think CE likes you a lot--you just need to ask her out for the weekend at the beginning of the week, to better the odds that she'll be free. She can't be sitting around not making plans with other people just because you _might_ ask her out on Wednesday. She sounds like a good bet--not clingy, not overly dependent on your attention, which is a good thing because it sounds like you'll have a fair amount to take care of in your own life as you get into all of these new things (school, job).

 

Good for you. You're kicking butt these days, in the best possible way.

 

(And I seem to be falling in love with the new guy. I never would have believed that I would find someone who has so many of the ex's better qualities and way, way more, to boot. But there he is, and he seems to be smitten with me, too. Yahoo!)

[rionmccloud]

Congratulations on the guy Ediefy. I hope it all works out for you.

 

As for me, I'll be spending the weekend alone again, I'm sure. I don't really mind much outside of being bored out of my mind. School is getting going, and I should have all my forms turned in on Monday. That will be nice.

 

I got a sunburn again, but had great fun at the pool yesterday. Lifeguard is just great to be around. She always brightens my day a bit. Still not sure how she feels about me, but that's okay. It's nice to date and all, but not the only thing on my mind. Far from it. Besides, I know when I get in school again I won't have much time for anything but my son and work. Suits me just fine.

 

Miss the ex a bit today. Not a lot, just miss her a little. That's just because I'm bored though, I know. If I were out doing something I wouldn't think about her at all. I miss CE too. We can't get together and it sucks. Oh well. Maybe next weekend when I'll actually have some money. I don't mind paying for things, but soon she's going to have to help pickup the tab every now and again. Too expensive to go out and have dinner and drinks these days.

 

I find myself sitting at home thinking, I wonder if she'll call out of the blue and be like" Hey whatcha doin?" But I know that likely won't happen. We've dated twice, and I don't feel like I'm getting in over my head, but at the same time it'd be nice to think she called just to say hello. I mean I am a Good Friend at this point. Unfortunately if I am in the Friend Zone, I'm stuck here. Never have been able to get out of that place.

 

Well, library computers suck, and there're others waiting to use this one, so I'll cut this short. Have a nice weekend everyone.

[rionmccloud]

Good evening guys, or whatever. Know this is a world-wide thing...

 

Well, it was an okay weekend. I got some beer and watched Hitch. I recommend it for all of you. Actually got some good insight from that movie, as long as you ignore the obvious Hollywood stuff. Be yourself is the main message, and it's true.

 

I am currently trying to go to school again, and for that I need my tax forms to fill out the FAFSA. Guess where those are.... The ex's home, if you didn't get it.

 

She called me and said "Why don't you come over and help me look for it." So I did. It was nice. We talked a lot about things. Mostly about her new relationship. I'm okay enough to help her if I can. I do want her to be happy, I just wish it was with me is all.

 

Anyways, long story short the honeymoon's really over now. She found porn on his computer, he's not as attentive as he was, his habits are annoying her, so on and so forth. I looked her in the eye and said "Look, take this as a friend. The grass isn't always greener, is it?" I went on about how if these are problems, talk about them. She has on many, and on the porn he said, pretty much, "Hey, I'm a guy." I was astounded. He didn't apologize or anything, knowing it upset her. Just gave that, as if that makes it all okay. I'll admit, I did the same thing in the relationship. Twice, and no more. I knew what I was doing, and I honestly think I had an addiction, albeit a small one. But I LEARNED. I didn't make excuses, and lame ones at that. I was honest and said "I'm sorry, I don't know why I do this."

 

I asked her if she misses me at all. She didn't want to answer because of the effect it would have on me. But she does, I can tell by how she's treating me now. The hugs are a litle freer, and a little tighter. SHE invited ME to the house. I think she's seeing tha changes in me, and maybe she's realising what I told her before was true....

 

Maybe we're not right for each other now, but maybe we will be later.

 

All the things she complained about for 8 years are fixed. I am more outgoing, dress better, nicer, less pessimistic... the list goes on and on. I would to be in her arms again, but this time things would be different. I'm different. She's different. Everything's changed now. And a lot of those things are good changes.

 

I think we could have a great relationship. This is what we needed a long time ago, but it may be too late. She still loves me, no matter what she tells herself. It's not as strong, but it's still there.

 

Don't get me wrong here. I'll be totally honest and say this: I still love her. I still want her for my own. I want what we had in the beginning. But I am NOT waiting around. I am NOT holding my breath. I am NOT getting my hopes up. I just know what my heart wants, and it is her. Does that make me weak? Does that make me Stupid? No. I am just acknowledging what exists. I won't lie to myself, or anyone, about this.

 

When I left the house I was okay. I wasn't upset. I didn't cry, or yell, or beg, or anything. I said, "Goodbye, I'll see you tomorrow", and I left.

 

CE never called me this weekend. Oh well. No skin off my back.

 

I saw the lifeguard today. I asked if she was hungry, but she wasn't so I got dinner and came back. We sat and talked for a bit, I helped her clean the pool area. Before I left I said this: "On the 25th, a Thursday, I will be off of work. Here's what's going to happen. YOU'RE going to eat dinner with ME. You get no choice in it. You will be there, and you will have dinner, and it will be fun." She kind of laughed at me, staring a little wide-eyed. So I added, "If that's okay, of course." She laughed again, but she said yes.

 

That, my friends, was masterful. My greatest moment in dating, I'm sure. But that's all for now, so please, read, laugh, cry, whatever. Just enjoy this as much as I am, and leave a comment if you feel so inclined.

[rionmccloud]

I just don't understand still. How can somebody do so much for you, to be a better person for you, to know they'd give up everyting for you, to know they love you more than anybody else does or will ever love you, and still not say to yourself " Hey. Maybe this guy is the one for me." Or at least rethink things.

 

Why does it have to be so hard for somebody to admit that maybe they were wrong. That maybe the new person IS the one for you. How can somebody be so cold to somebody that loves them so much.

 

I'm not that bad today, just sad and wistful. If this were a movie we'd be together. She'd see me for who I am now, and see the new BF for who he really is, and she'd return. Art imitates life my [censored].

[perseverance_rules]

Today I had another brush with what could have been also Rion. I saw my ex at work, like I usually do on Mondays, and looked at her and thought, wow, she did so much for me,...she is such a great person for that. She taught me SO much about myself, and helped me open up a great deal. With the few I have dated I have realized this even more and now am finding myself backing off of those possible relationships because I want what she gave to me. COMFORT. RELIABILITY. HAPPINESS.

 

ITs not necessarily a bad thing to compare, but in this instance I realize what I want now, comparing it to what I had...and realize that a lot of it was GOOD.

 

Thats why I realize I definitely cannot SETTLE for second best. I can be happy with myself, have a good time, but the one that will get my attention, my time, my devotion has to measure up to what Im looking for, not just someone who likes me for me...it goes further than that. BE strong RION!

[rionmccloud]

I called her after she left, and left a message for her. I basically apologized and told her "Hey, this is how I feel. I just wanted you to know." I don't even know if she'll get the message tonight. I hope she listens for once. She never does. I am okay now, several hours later, but I can't stop hoping that she'll rethink things. Guess I'm just a fool about that.

 

I shared my M&Ms with CE at work today. Her car was totalled over the weekend, and I wanted to make her feel better. I think it helped. I like her, but she's not the ex. In some ways she's better already, but she'll never be the ex, and I know that. Unfortunately I may hold that against everybody I ever date. I find it inconceivable that anybody else could help make me feel the way she did.

 

I'm just a romantic at heart I guess. I want the storybook ending. I want the romantic comedy ending. I want to face this struggle, triumph, and end up with the ex back in my arms. We're fed that drivle all our lives, aren't we. We're told about happy endings, meeting, falling in love, marrying, and dying together after a long life of happiness. It's utter crap as far as I'm concerned right now. I know many people do have that, but I don't, so it's crap. She was the ONE, as much as many people don't agree with that. If she wasn't would these feelings persist after 6 months? I've dated, met other girsl I like who have much more in common with me, but still I only want the ex. Maybe I like the pain and depression? Maybe I think the pain makes me stronger? Maybe I'm just reveling in all the drama? I don't know. All I know is that I want what I had, but this time it will be better. It's not better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. That's crap.

 

Guess I'm getting angry now. Maybe I should stop writing. It's just so hard to deal with sometimes. I want to be happy with someone else in my arms. I want somebody else to care about me. I want to hug, kiss, sit on the couch wathcing it rain, huddle by the fire, and all that other stuff that feels so good with someone you care about in your arms. I had that once. I honstly don't know if I'll ever have it again. I look at my life and I see me, sitting on my couch, sleeping alone, and going to work, all to start the next day and do it all over again. I don't like that idea much.

 

I'm stopping now, because I'm rambling and could go on like this all night. Peace out.