Diary of a recovering exboyfriend

[rionmccloud]

The trend was broken today my dear friends. It started last night, really. I got really drunk. Not that that in itself is bad, necessarily, but that must be what gave me the dream. A very bad one.

 

It may have been covered over with a sheen of espionage, military experimentation, and being on the run, but the gist was all too clear to me upon waking. Someone had taken away my son and my ex. I could not get them back. The closer I got the farther away they became. I was not happy waking up after that dream.

 

As the day progressed, I seemed to be okay. I went to see my own father, hung out for a bit, and went home. There is a song by Kelly Clarkson, God Bless her cute and poppy soul, called Behind These Hazel Eyes. I'm sure you've all heard it. Hearing this song always makes me cry. Maybe not a full blown weep, but I tear up at the least. I love this song and hate it for what it does to me.

 

I realised that last year I had a family of my own. And this year I do not. The rest is a blurred memory of snippiets of thoughts and many, many tears. I love my son, but I want my family back, too.

 

On a lighter note, I got in touch with an old friend last week. She is a girl I went to Junior Prom with. We talked for a bit and she said she's coming back in town this coming weekend. We're going to try and get the old gang back together for a reunion. It should be fun. The only possible hazard is that my first girlfriend may be there. I harbor no ill will to her, nor her to me, but I just think it will be odd. We dated when I was 14, so it wasn't a real relationship. I don't think I ever even kissed her, to be honest.

 

The Philly trip is likely on hold, due to my own money issues. It's always something, isn't it?

 

I met the girl I'm speaking with online yesterday. She seems nice and sweet. Her eyes are amazing. And yet, I felt no chemistry upon meeting. Ce la vie, no? At least I have one more friend to add to my list, which is not a bad thing. And then she'll tell her friends, and they'll tell two friends, and they'll tell two friends, and so on. I should have quite a few acquaintances soon. And that, in the words of Martha Stewart, is a very good thing.

 

This weekend I also have plans to have lunch with a female friend and then to see Star Wars. To the innocent bystander it would seem like a date, but I hardly think she's looking at it like that. Honestly, I wish it was. I do harbor some feelings for her, but mostly I think that feeling is lust. She's a hot little thing, she is. At times I think she's flirting with me, but in hindsight I don't think she was. I hate not having a clue.

 

Well, everyone, the weekend wasn't all bad, but the bad parts were pretty bad. I'll be fine tomorrow, I'm sure. Pray for me as I pray for you all, hoping that good things come to those who really need it. Thank you again.

[rionmccloud]

I'm trying my best to be a friend. It's so damn hard. I talked to her earlier and she just grates on my nerves so much. I just want to be treated like someone she's known and loved for 8 years. I don't get that at all. And I get angry, so very angry. I yell, cuss, and wish bad things on her, and I feel like crap afterwards, but I can't help myself. Why can't I just calm the frig down! I really want to, I do. I just can't. What can I do about this crap? I really need to stay calm, no matter how angry I get. I hurt my hand hitting a wall. It took everything I have not to go over to the house and punch her new bf in the face. I REALLY want to do that!

 

I don't want to hurt anymore! I'm tired of this junk. No matter what I do I get angry. Hell I'm angry right now writing about this stuff. I'm hiutting the keys so hard I think I could break the keyboard.

 

Aaaaargh!!!

[ediefy]

You are in such a tough spot. The link between the two of you--your child--keeps you in contact with a woman who is synonymous with pain in your life. You just keep scraping the scab off the wound every time you see her. Eventually, it will become a callus and then a scar, but it'll take a really long time to heal.

 

If there's any way for you to pick your son up from a third party--your ex could drop him off, you could pick him up there--you might find it a bit easier. I don't have kids, so I don't know if this is workable or even a good solution, but it seems to me that NC (except if you need to discuss matters related to your son) is the only way forward. If you do see/talk to her, keep the focus on issues around your son and nothing else, until you're completely over her. Otherwise, this is going to be a really long recovery for you, I'm afraid.

 

I feel for you--wish there was an easy way to get over these things. Even without kids, I'm hurting a lot, a month after getting dumped out of the blue. And it sucks.

 

Best of luck to you--

[rionmccloud]

I just want to feel okay again.

[rionmccloud]

Today was a much better day. My hand is feeling better, but it helps as a reminder of what happens when I let my anger get the best of me. All of this has done so much to me. I used to never really get upset, and now it's almost out of control. I don't like what I'm becoming sometimes. I feel like I'm losing the real me in the deluge of feelings and changes.

 

My ex asked me if I believe in destiny. After thinking about it I realise I do, but it's hard to believe that all of this was part of some divine plan for my life. Why all the pain? Will I ever feel okay again? And perhaps most important of all, What's next? As I've said before, I've always lived my life with some amount of expoectation for the future. I could see the possibilities before me and think of a few ways things could go, that way I'm not caught too off guard. The future has been closed to me now. I can't see realistic things anymore. All I can see is what I hope will happen, and those hopes never seem to materialize. It's quite disgruntling.

 

Maybe this isn't part of my destiny, maybe it's part of hers. Maybe this is all just a side effect of the path it took to get her to where she is now. I was only a stepping stone along the path. Maybe I have no real destiny. That makes me sad. I'm in such a spot right now that I can't make changes for myself. Everything I've tried has failed, all my hopes have been crushed, my life has been turned on it's ear, and I'm up crap creek without a paddle, to be crude.

[ediefy]

Don't doubt for a minute that this is indeed your path. You're not just a bit player in someone else's destiny. Everyone is the star of their own life movie--the problem is that we don't get to write the script. And it's often not very clear why hard things happen (especially when they're happening). But, if you look back at your life, it is kind of a straight line to where you are now. And you do have a future, you just can't see it now.

 

I know the feeling. I've been doing pretty well for a couple of days, and ran headlong into a raft of tears and a feeling of hopelessness this afternoon. First day of summer and I'm on my own again. I was really looking forward to summer with him, and now he's probably having that fun with someone new. Oh, well. There was life before I knew him, and there will be life after him. I don't know why we came into each other's lives when we did, or why things ended the way they did, but I have to believe that I will make the best of it and move on, because there's really no other choice. I want to love my life again.

 

I can't remember if you're doing the antidepressant thing--it has helped me deal with the depression associated with feeling myself suddenly adrift in a new town without the guy who provided a framework for making new friends and being part of a family.

 

Hang in there, really. You do have a life and your life does have a purpose. You just have to sit with all of this and do your best to put one foot in front of the other every day. It sucks now, but I really believe it won't always feel this way.

 

You deserve love, light, and joy in your life. And you will find it--or it will find you.

[gelfling]

Maybe this isn't part of my destiny, maybe it's part of hers. Maybe this is all just a side effect of the path it took to get her to where she is now. I was only a stepping stone along the path. Maybe I have no real destiny. That makes me sad. I'm in such a spot right now that I can't make changes for myself. Everything I've tried has failed, all my hopes have been crushed, my life has been turned on it's ear, and I'm up crap creek without a paddle, to be crude.

 

i also feel like above. myself was a one of the stepping stones of my ex and she is moving forward to a joyful life she has ever known. on the day of fast down roller coaster, just hurts and there is nothing i can do except imagining her back again in my arms, all the "as if" thoughts.

 

but some days, you are more together and positively trying to deal with yourself. seems much better than i do.

 

i want to believe thre is a diference between 'fate' and 'destiny'. 'fate' is like our nationality, our sexuality, personality and how we look, parents and so on. and it's a basic of ourself which can not be changed. but we can work out and shape our 'destiney' on top of it.

 

getting to know someone is 'fate' but to make this relationship is our destiny to work on. your 8 years of loving her was your beautiful destiney too. might be it was a lesson to prove your love to someone else for longer and more grand in the future. or there is a destiney YOU CAN CHOOSE to work on to keep a friendship with your ex. in the end of the line.

 

you have your "fate" and great "destiney" you can work on to build a happier life for yourself.

[perseverance_rules]

Hi rion!

 

I thought I left a post on here for you, but I guess it didnt work. Ive been reading all your journals here, took me awhile to read it all, but the whole time I read I felt your pain bro! I will soon be where you are at, but hopefully time will cure my pain by then, if not your messages are deeply felt man! I had to take deep breathes as I read because I wanted to curse her too when you did. Its like we all know well be ok later, its just so hard in the moment. If you take yourself from that moment, you feel better for a bit...and that helps over time. So what if it comes back, its good, because youre not over it yet. I told myself before I was in this past relationship that if she ever made me upset or hurt me, or even came close to that, Id get rid of her in a heartbeat, and guess what I did. I beat myself up over it, but thats what I had to do. I spoke to her today about possibly making things work in the future for the childs sake, but looking back it wasnt such a good idea for me to tell her that because I dont know if the baby is mine yet...but at least I told her how I felt, and told her i cared about the baby to have both parents around, as much as that may be wrong to think, it may be good.

 

If I were you I would try to make arrangements with someone else to meet so you can pick up your son. I think that would be the only way for you to truly let go of what she doesnt want. Seeing her and being around her like you are occasionally is only making things worse on yourself at that moment. I work now with my ex and wish I didnt, but its what I have dealt myself in the beginning, and if we can be adults about things I will stay there. However if I find out its not my child, I will probably move on to another place. Her working there would help if it were my child because Id have an easy way of reaching her for anything pertaining to the child. Were both taking this quite well when were around each other, its only when I find myself at home alone does the pain come back to me and I remember everything over and over, like its a dream, and I wish it werent true....Im almost starting to wish no one ever told me, that way I wouldnt be hurt like this. But things happen for a reason, so whats done is done, now I can heal.

 

Keep your head up RioN! I want to say that the best cure for a woman is a new woman. Make sure you are ready, and make sure you take care of your health man, its the most important thing to healing correctly. If youre clinically depressed, you cant possibly try and cope...so hang in there, were praying for you too!

[rionmccloud]

Firstly, thank you all for the kind thoughts and prayers and advice. It is appreciated, and I read every post in reply even if I don't always respond to comments and advice given.

 

Today was a good day except for the dreams. I keep having them these days. Me and the ex are getting along good in the dreams, mostly, and this is bittersweet. In the dream things are great and the world feels right, but it's on waking that the bitterness comes. I wish I could make them stop.

 

The rest of today was rather uneventful, truth be told. I spoke with my old friend who will be back in town on Friday. She is so happy it warms me to listen to her speak. I think back to the Junior Prom we attended together and wish I could have done things differently then. The main problem was that then, as now, I am clueless as to the minds of women. I read signs that aren't there, or translant them into manspeak incorrectly. Why would she ask me to her prom if she wasn't interested? Very similar to my post in the Dating forum yesterday. She has a boyfriend now, so I'm sure any desires she has to see me are purely platonic, which is fine. It will be nice to see her and my other friends again. Then again, maybe not. I am not the person I was last I saw them all. I have become rather bitter, Pessimistic, and cynical in the years that have passed. I blame high school for this.

 

The next two weeks I'll be on vacation from work. By this I mean I'll not be at work, but not really gong anywhere either. Sitting at home playing games and reading for two weeks. Sounds nice but boring. I wish I had somewhere to go and something to do.

 

Being human is an odd thing to me. We are born, we live we die. The rest is really just filler for a life that will likely not be remembered in 100 years. We struggle so hard to maintain an enjoyable quality to life, and the hard work exhausts us to the point we are unable to enjoy it at times. We search for love, a soulmate, someone who we connect on levels we may not even realise exist. Sometimes we find them, and sometimes we don't. Sometimes we think we've found them when we have not. So much pain in life. It almost seems hardly worth even trying. Like I should quit my job, get rid of all my stuff and live on the street, because what does it matter anyways? But I don't, because that's not how life is SUPPOSED to go. Life is supposed to be hard honest work. What is the meaning if we don't struggle, eh? Is a life of leisure and comfort without earning it first what kind of life is that? Look at Paris Hilton. She is famous for being rich. She has done nothing to gain that money except be born into the right family, and we see her face splattered all over the TV. As nice as it sounds, the middle is where I like to be. I am used to struggling for what I have and gain some satisfaction from it. The odds may be stacked against me, but persevere. I pull through no matter how unbearable the pain or unsurmountable a task. This is what makes me proud. I have never let my family suffer because there was not enough money. I have never given up because it was too hard. I went to college full time, worked full time, and raised a family full time for two years. I didn't even have transportation for most of it, but I did it. I paid for school myself. Those two years were the hardest of my life, but I am proud to say I graduated, my son is a wonderful child, and my life is somewhat on track.

 

I'll pray for you all.

[perseverance_rules]

Rion, it seems to me that the dreams youre having make me believe that subconsciously youre getting over her. In your mind you know how you truly want to be, but that the hurt youre feeling is what YOU want, not what she wants. Youll find someone again who makes you feel better about yourself. I dont like saying "whole" because truly you must feel whole without someone in your life before it can be better with someone else.

 

I have problems of my own, Im just dealing with the get over it stage.

When we lose someone we want to be with, it totally sucks thinking about someone else because we cant think of anyone but them right now.

 

I just went through a box full of my ex wifes pictures from 5 years ago, and I didnt shed one tear, and really didnt have a fuzzy feeling at all...it was just memories i had, and to be honest, those times are hazy to me now, I almost have to look back at those pictures to even remember anything about back then. ITs only been five years with her, but it seems like forever now.

 

My new split is harder, because the same thing happened to me again, and those feelings I had of the ex come back. Haunting, but I will overcome, as will you rion!

[ediefy]

I just had a bizarre experience. I decided to try taking a yoga class, so I went tonight for the first time. It was 90 minutes, and, by the time it was just about over, I could tell I was going to lose it. I managed to get to my car before I just bawled my eyes out. Yelled out loud, crying, all the way home, and then really fell apart when I got in the door.

 

Called a friend in my most hysterical moment, and she said that it made sense to her--something about yoga opening things up that I was probably keeping in check. Wow. It was really intense. I cried for a good 15-20 minutes--wailing actually--gave myself a doozy of a headache and a stomachache. Eventually I calmed down--my friend kept me on the phone with her until I did. Getting all of this hurt out of my system is a really hard process. Hardest thing I think I've ever done.

 

(It's been a hard day. just before I woke up this morning, I, too, had a dream. I dreamt that I was with my ex in the kitchen, and I asked him, "How's this really going for you?" and he smiled at me and said, "Our relationship is going great. Just great." That felt good! And then I woke up and remembered what the truth of the situation is. Sad way to wake up. If this is what healing is, I'd rather have my fingernails pulled out, I think.)

 

Glad to hear that you've had a pretty good day. May tomorrow be even better!

[rionmccloud]

It was a good day. Tomorrow I see a lot of old friends, and Saturday is my outing with a female friend. It should be a good weekend, especially since I found out the Greek Festival is this weekend as well. Tonight is my last night at work for two weeks. It's going to be a long two weeks, I think.

[bluejeans]

I was doing pretty good for awhile until yesterday and today.

It's been a little over three weeks since I last saw my Ex.

This is the longest we have gone without seeing one another,so I

thought I'd just keep on feeling better,but the hurt feelings got real

bad these past few days,and I cried alot again.

I cried more when we were together for some reason though!

I miss my Ex,and I really love him,and I wish we hadn't broke up,but

he's not good for me in alot of ways.

He has nerve problems,and he also said he had Bi-polar before.

When I fell in love with him,I didn't realize this,and when I did,I

thought it wasn't that bad.

He gets depressed sometimes so bad that he stays in his room

after work and doesn't want to go anywhere,ect......

He didn't want me to see my friends or have male friends either.

He was very jealous of people in my life.

At first he would go out with me places and do things,but he began

to stop wanting to go out as much. He would rather be at home most

of the time.

He has anger problems and he admits to it. He says he is moody and

that is also very true. He was once so wonderful and unlike what he

is now. He's not the same at all.

I missed the person I fell in love with,but I believe that person is gone

for good now.

I want to get over him and not hurt so much. I don't like feeling down,

or loving someone who is so bad to me,and bad in general.

Most females I know tell me he's not good looking and he has no good

body or anything thats attractive about him. He had a great personality

once,but I have begun to realize that he was probably putting on an act

in the first month and a half or so.

He was rushing everything to fast in my honest opinion and that was

bothering me,but because he was so good to me,I over looked it then.

There were warning signs all along,but I didn't pay attention much until

now.

What can I do to feel better? Please help,o.k?

[perseverance_rules]

Love is strange isnt it? No matter what others say, or what others see in that person, we see them different. When i say others, i mean our family and friends.

 

Im going through the same thing girl. im on the other side of the coin being male, but still the same. I find that afternoons are the best part of my day...mornings suck, and this time of night sucks even worse. i went out with my friend tonight to the pub to play some pool, meet some people maybe, and talk. wasnt very interesting to me on a friday night. i used to go out before when i was single on fridays and it was a blast! nowadays being a bit older, all i could do was compare my ex to every woman in the bar,...critiquing every woman...so not good for me right now. i so want to be happy too, and in my relationship i saw all the signs of it not working out, but wed talk, then wed be happy for awhile, then things would go back and forth, rollercoaster type thing. i shut it out sometimes, trying to make her realize that she was pushing me away, it seemed though she was just too stubborn to give in that just maybe i was being hurt by her...she never saw it, was always a blame game with her.

 

its ok to love that person, we just have to move on and truly love someone else in the future, or we really dont love ourselves to put up with what doesnt make us truly happy. TIME i always hear heals the wounds, but the mind always keeps us struggling. when you find that next person you will wonder how you got through that long without your ex, and you will have grown through the hurt and learned.

 

be happy, because i want the same things. someone to understand who i really try to be, and someone who dont put down my faults but tries to help me help myself.

 

hope this helps.

[ediefy]

I can relate. 6 weeks ago exactly my ex dumped me (in email, no less). We always got along well, were very compatible, and didn't have a big argument that precipitated the breakup. It's like he just suddenly changed channels and turned my channel off. No closure whatsoever, and I haven't seen him once since I got the email. I talked to him briefly about 2 weeks after the breakup, asking if we could at least go to a couple of therapy sessions to get some closure (he was uninterested in doing so). But that's it, after 2 years together.

 

The past 6 weeks have been like walking underwater. I just keep holding my breath, trying to put one foot in front of the other. It doesn't necessarily get "easier," but it does get less overtly emotional as time goes on. I can still bawl my eyes out at times, but less and less. It's more like there's this dull ache all the time, which I can only hope will lessen over time. I am just starting to go out again, and am meeting new guys over coffee, etc. but I am sad as I go to and from these encounters, because I really only want to be with my ex.

 

Which makes no sense, because anyone who could treat me the way he did in this breakup is a jerk, period. So, I'm working on getting angry about it, because it's certainly not the way someone who was my lover and best friend should have behaved. I would never treat anyone like that. Everything I read about breakups says that anger is a necessary part of getting over someone. And, let's face it, if the guy (or girl) dumps you, they're definitely not The One, because The One wouldn't do that.

 

So, best of luck to you, 3 weeks after your split. It does get less horrible as time goes on. NC is a good idea, I think, so if you can stick with that, it'll probably help speed your recovery. The only way out is moving through it. Best of luck to you.

[rionmccloud]

Guess some people hijacked my thread.. Heh. It's okay people, I don't mind.

 

Well, to start things off I am on vacation and that's why the Adventures of Rion McCloud have been on hold for several days. I have not been near a computer since last thursday. So far the vacation has been in the middle. Not too bad and not too good. This does take some explaining.

 

Friday I was supposed to meet some old friends. I did not. The girl I went to junior prom with was coming in town and wanted to meet up. She was stuck in traffic for 6 hours because of a paint truck accident, and got in too late to meet with me. She never did get hold of anybody else in our old group so it was just me and her, finally on Monday night. It was nice catching up, and not so nice learning that she did ask me to her prom because she was interested romantically, and not just as a friend as I thought then and continued to think until now. She said if only I'd danced with her I'd be in like Flint. Talk about a day late and a dollar short, eh guys? Just goes to show older doesn't always mean wiser, as you'll read next. Despite all this she made me feel good for a few hours, and I wish she were single so maybe I could get a second chance at that dance. This was a fairly good part of my weekend.

 

I went out with my female friend on Saturday. We had lunch and headed to the theater to see Star Wars. I got the time wrong, no thanks to you internet, so we saw Land of the Dead instead. I enjoyed it, but not as much as Shaun of the Dead. There are no feelings romantically for me there, I learned as she began to ask my advice on what another guy she was interested in actually meant by his words and actions. Good sign she's not interested in me, I would say. This would be partly bad, but not so much in the long run.

 

The worst part was Sunday. I made plans to go to the ex-homestead and pick up a table and other furnishings. I asked that the new BF be asked to stay gone while I was there so I don't feel awkward and wind up saying or doing something we'd all regret later on. She did not do this. She sent him away, but gave no time frame and told me to hurry up and I wouldn't have to see him. I flew off the handle, admittedly, upon hearing this. She never listens to me. She wants it all her way or the highway, and even when I'm trying to move on she can't help me out. I got very angry that day, and feel bad about all of it. My son watched as his father went insane and yelled at his mother. This was a very bad day for me.

 

Later, to work off some steam, I went to the good old cement pond. I swam a few laps and began feeling better when the lifeguard, cute female lifeguard I must add, asked where my son was. I think she was interested in me, but I may have blew it by talking about the ex and how badly I'm handling things right now. It's hard to tell, at least for me it is. Her name is the same as my ex's, and although she's very cute, that would be weird for me, I think. She was very nice and sweet, listened patiently, consoled me, and most importantly I think she understood me. I asked her what she was doing after work and she said she had plans. Don't if she already did or at least planend not to hang out with me, but that's okay. We've pretty much seen each other in our underwear, so if she's still interested after that then maybe I should try again. I wish I could read the signs better.

 

Today, Wednesday, has been a good day so far, but I haven't dealt with the ex extensively today. She went for surgery today, very minor, and I called the house to leave a message saying to call me and let me know how it went. After I hung up I started thinking, What if she dies on the table? How would I know? Who'd tell me? What would I do? And various other strings of negative thoughts about her death. I was really sared the phone would ring and someone would tell me she had died. Then she called and said it was all fine. It was a relief. I do still care about her greatly, and I couldn't hide that fact if I tried. I don't want to hide it anyway. My son stayed the night last night because of this, and it was a fun time watching the Spongebob Squarepants Movie 5 times. Heh. He loves that crazy sponge.

 

I can't think of anything else right now. That was all the major stuff to tell, I guess. As you can read, it was good and bad, but I think overall it's been pretty good.

 

Now, if I can get a computer so I don't have to use the library's..... Hate public computers.

 

I think I'm getting better, guys. Seriously.

 

Bless you all, and may the hair on your toes never fall out!

[rionmccloud]

Oh!! How could I forget. I think the new BF is learning how my Ex really operates. The shimmer is fading and they're starting to see the real people they are underneath all the new relationship mirages. I loved the things about my ex he can't seem to handle yet, like constant criticism. I loved it because she didn't do it to be mean, she just did it. And most of the time she was right too. This new guy is too independent to take any advice. If you're wondering how I know this, I asked the ex how things are going. She said okay, but I know her well enough to know things weren't. Perhaps they'll break up soon, stop being friends, and then maybe me and her can work on a friendship. At this point I would do everything I could not to get back together, but I don't think she wants to anyway. If we could just be friends that would be enough for me right now, and that won't happen until I either get over things, or she gets over the new BF. I think the latter is most likely to happen sooner than the former.

 

Sorry for the long post and long update guys. Have a good one.

[rionmccloud]

Well, I drove by the pool and the lifeguard I mentioned is there today. Suh-weeet! Maybe I'll go swimming, despite the fading pinkness of my last sunburn, heh. Got to remember the sunblock. I'm as pale as it gets without that whiteface stuff Goth kids use. Think I'd learn my lesson by now.

 

I hope I didn't ruin any chance I had with this lady by talking about my ex last time. Then again, she did ask what the situation was, didn't she?

 

Lady... Sounds odd to say it... er.. type it. I guess I'm older now and need to stop calling the women girls. May sound bad to someone listening in when I say that. Another sign of getting older and and taking one more step towards the adult table at Thanksgiving. If I could save time in a bottle....

 

There may be another post later today, maybe not. Hope all your days' are fun, exciting, and overall pretty damn good.

[ediefy]

Good luck with the lady lifeguard. I think it's okay that you talked about your ex--best to be honest about where you are and what you've been going through. She'd figure it out soon enough anyway.

 

Surf's up!

[rionmccloud]

Went swimming, and am most likely developing a sunburn. Lucky me. Means I won't see the lifeguard for a few days, possibly.

 

Ediefy-- True that. I get the feeling after talking to her that she has been burned in the past as well, and not really seen anybody in a while. She made a comment about getting used to being single, but in a positive light. So I think there are a few possibilities here.

 

1. She has no interest in me besides talking, becuase lifeguarding at the pool is boring unless someone is drowning.

2. She likes me but wants to learn more about me before saying something.

3. She likes me but is waiting for me to say something to her.

4. She doesn't like me in any way shape or form, but my son is so cute how could she resist.

 

Again, I wish I was better at reading people. I can't halp feeling like if she was interested it was lost when I took my shirt off. I'm no Fatty McFatcakes, but I'm not Slim Jim either. Personally, I feel unattractive without a shirt on. Otherwise I feel I'm totally average looking. Some may say cute, but that would be very few and I wish I knew where they were.

 

Regardless, I guess I have a few months to figure out if she's interested or not. She's a teacher as well, so when summer's over she will be back in the classroom. Knowing me, though, I'll never find out because I hate approaching women. You scare the hell out of me!

[perseverance_rules]

Just find a time to talk to her more. dont seem anxious to her, just be yourself if you can. If the vibe is right while you are talking with her, tell her that youve had your eye on her for awhile and throw it out there. tell her youd like to go out sometime with her and see the other side of her. usually when youre honest with how you feel about someone, looks, attitude, etc., women know youre an honest person and sometimes it takes guts to say those things. if shes not interested after you tell her that youve been eyeing her, you know right then. if she says no, keep flirting, it helps the ego anyhow ya look at it. you may even find that she wants to talk to you about her self more than you think.

[ediefy]

I agree with perseverence. You can't play the game if you just sit on the bench. Talk to her, ask her if she'd like to go out sometime (you don't have to specify exactly when). What the heck, right?

 

I've had several dates with various guys this week. Still would rather be with my ex, but it's been interesting, and almost all of them have been very nice people, so the time has been enjoyable. No fireworks, but right now I wouldn't trust that anyway. (I kind of hate the beginning of relationships anyway--it's like being on a rollercoaster emotionally. I always feel like I kind of have the flu. I really prefer things once I've really gotten to know someone and things are easy and fun. I realize I'm probably the only one in the world who feels this way, but that's how it is.)

 

Good luck!!!!!

[perseverance_rules]

With my ex I didnt see her as someone I was going to be with for awhile when I first met her. It had been awhile since my divorce, and she was a fun person to be around. Her looks werent the best but they grew over time. WHen I realized I loved her, she looked more and more beautiful.

 

In the end her meanness towards men grew and I still saw the beauty in her. I still see it today. But today I realize that we werent meant to be together...too much of the "we dont see eye to eye" thing going on.

 

As I sit here, things are quiet, but things will change over time. I will look back on this experience and thank the Lord he bruoght me to my senses, but right now its a struggle. I dont get phone calls, I dont see anyone coming over, and frankly I have to look at it like it was her that brought excitement around here...what did I have to offer? Thats a lesson in itself for me.

[ediefy]

I know the feeling that you don't get phone calls, no one bothers to look you up, etc. The more you work at getting in touch with people and staying in touch with them, the more you'll feel connected to the world, not isolated from it.

 

Every day at about 5:30 or so, I get really depressed. So, now I call a friend--I have a few people I can always call--and it really helps get me through that, so I can go on and have an okay evening at home alone.

 

Lean on your friends. I'm sure you brought a lot into your ex's life. You just can't rely on your ex to tell you how wonderful you really were, and are. It's hard feeling like you don't matter. Don't go there--you do matter. You really do.

[rionmccloud]

Oh yeah, I got a sunburn. Pretty bad one too. Actually, I'm glad to get some color other than white for once. Heh.

 

The ex came to pick up our son, and she looked at me and said" Are you alright?" Me being honest said" Except for the sunburn? No. I'm never quite alright these days." She reached to hug me and was like "Ahhhh! Hello sunburn!" and she said "You look like you need it, and you said sometimes all you need is a hug." So we hugged, and it was nice to see she still cared, maybe not like she used to, but still cares all the same. That was the first time she SHOWED me that. She says all the time she does, but never shows it. Until now.

 

I was drinking and watching The Life Aquatic last night, and I called my ex. All I wanted to say was "Thank you for the hug. I really did need it." I did, but it went much deeper than that in the end. We just talked about how I'm supposed to move on with my life. I think I need another lady in my life to really help me move on, and she says I'm not ready for that emotionally. I'm still too much of a mess to think I can have a successful relationship. Honestly, a relationship isn't what I'm looking for. I need a female friend I can go out with, have a beer, maybe dance, and just generally have a good time with no strings attached.

 

I do feel much better these days, sans sunburn of course. I think my life is getting a little easier to bear, and that feels good in itself. I haven't had bad dreams in a little while. I only really cry when I drink, heh. I just feel like things will actually work out for me. Until now I haven't felt that.

 

I'm hoping to hit the pool again soon. My son loves it, so I can't wait too long to go back. Plus, he's so cute the ladies love him. Hopefully I can learn to flirt a little better with the lifeguard. Would be nice to have a date with her, even if it is a friends only date. I tend to grow on people more than anything.

 

The lifeguard asked me my exes name the other day. I told her it is the same as hers, and she said "Oh, that's gotta be hard." I am perpplexed by this statement. Why would that be hard? Does she realize I'm interested in her? Is she interested in me too? Is she waiting for me to ask her out? Is she waiting to ask me out?

 

It was a very strange statement to me. I responded something like, "Well you're not her, and you've been nothing but nice to me. No problem." She smiled and laughed a little bit.

 

Well, got to go. Thanks all for the comments. As always, I'll say a prayer that all your lives get a little sunshine in them.