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gelfling

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  1. gelfling
    i also feel like above. myself was a one of the stepping stones of my ex and she is moving forward to a joyful life she has ever known. on the day of fast down roller coaster, just hurts and there is nothing i can do except imagining her back again in my arms, all the "as if" thoughts. but some days, you are more together and positively trying to deal with yourself. seems much better than i do. i want to believe thre is a diference between 'fate' and 'destiny'. 'fate' is like our nationality, our sexuality, personality and how we look, parents and so on. and it's a basic of ourself which can not be changed. but we can work out and shape our 'destiney' on top of it. getting to know someone is 'fate' but to make this relationship is our destiny to work on. your 8 years of loving her was your beautiful destiney too. might be it was a lesson to prove your love to someone else for longer and more grand in the future. or there is a destiney YOU CAN CHOOSE to work on to keep a friendship with your ex. in the end of the line. you have your "fate" and great "destiney" you can work on to build a happier life for yourself.
  2. gelfling
    and i replyed as a second email on sunday night as she was asking how the exhibition of Leonor Fini was like, she would meet up if my best friend mika is back in her city tomorrow. i kept it short with a good luck for her job hunting, to take care in the heat wave in uk. haven't got replyed for two days now. i know she doesn't need to reply me. now am fighting with this obsession about her, reading, seeing friends, getting used to spend time on my own, all her belongings are in the pandra's boxes. and understand all the theory recomended in this forum, NC tactics, moving on, date others... but not practicing well. and sometimes my emotion run fast away from my head. what can it make a head and emotion together when they separates ?
  3. gelfling
    4days since last reply. i was try not to obsessed about this breakup and away from looking through this forum, seeing friends, reading books and relaxed. there was another breakup of my friend just happened, i had to keep in touch with him constantly. received couple of emails from her again, she likes the card, busy on the job hunting, asking how i am. then i replyed a day later, composing myself just wishing her good luck to job hunting with encouraging words. sounding happy and busy myself, never mentioned about us. she seems to be confortable to reply to me again next day, thanking for good luck wish and if i have a nice weekend plan. of course i still have ups and down but able to compose myself sounds happy and content on the email. it seems to take off a feeling of guilt from her. i can't expect too much but it simply makes me happy to hear from her.
  4. gelfling
    i was pretty ok until last night, had a business dinner and came home, did n't have any alcohol though. this morning, my head and hands were lightly shaking as well as usual pain in my chest with a little ball like pain in my throat. breaking down in tears. cigarett, lexiton ( been taking these 3 weeks ), neither of them did work. came in late for work, am not doing what am really should be doing. the day everything look all grey.
  5. gelfling
    thank you dragongirl, keeping an eye on me always. really want to keep this state of mind somehow. not practicing NC really well but time and friends are helping me to come to this state. it would be too surreal if i went on NC straight away after the phone call, did not come to see her in london for that week and cry each other, keeping a bit of contact to finding it is over now. and going to heal at the same time.
  6. gelfling
    over the weekend. i checked out on the draft of my email account and send her one. - very best wishes foryour birthday and enjoy the birthday weekend. am busy partying, working and having good times. my mother says you can visit us anytime. good luck for job hunting. xx - did not regret with this as i know she will be happy to know am getting on with my life and happy, not in the bottom of sorrow. just relaxed and took care of myself. she replyed to me sunday night and thanking for birthday wish, has not been back home as staying around in some friend's for the birthday weekend. looking forward to see all the cards and gifts waiting for her at home. sending love to my family and me. then i thought she is sweet and young, having fun. whome ever she is with, i feel good to let her play coz i have a faith. One part still wishing to get back together and the other part is for our different future. - for now. there is no confort zone physically between us as we are apart in london and tokyo. and i can not expect it at all until i move back to there (i lived there for 10 years and almost my home ) with my own hands, not by our blessing she offered before. it was one of the reason i started to admitting myself was so dependent on her in this point. why she needs to be blessed forever with me for a convinient reason ? i have to go out and have fun also, if she is having fun in the other side of world. still not sure about lesbian communities in japan though i can still hung out with friends and brush myself up, be content. it's been positive these two days and hope it lasts. my head and heart are together.
  7. gelfling
    with your encouraging post dragongirl am holding myself not to contact her. and hoping to heal day by day. being single is independednt and cool as i enjoyed before her. but i've never felt so bad with any of past relationship. am at my parents this week end and having a relaxed time. they are a little disappointed of our breakup but they says she is welcome to visit this house anytime. in the positive way. even though am biting my nail in the bed room thinking if i could send her a quick email for her birthday today. i can compose myself being happy and cool on the email. there is 4 emails on the draft file. thinking of the trip to kyoto last year this time. am really obsessed today and hating it.
  8. gelfling
    thanks for sweet word dragongirl i joined on the lesbian community on "mixi" last week, just see how they are. yes, when am ready, I will have my eyes open to see the other world. trying to hung out with friends and families for now. controling subconscious is hard. how can it be worked this out ? even after a fun night with friends, after a non-emotional day, she still stands in my dream !
  9. gelfling
    i know you some people don't understand this motherly love. lover's love became sister's love and this motherly love grew between us. this morning i had a sudden breakdown. but managed to go out from the office for visiting our clients and took some walk. felt better. i've given up on this tiny tiny gay female scene over here. it's depress me even wors to be in these butch(FT)/femme cliche. anyway, i feel much difference to a week ago. have some apetite, able to sleep better, less tears, and taking this fact that she left me with a painful hole in my chest. i would do anything to make her happy. and if this make her happy then i have to release her. it will be nice if she thinks of me time to time, when she found a difficulty or a specially happy thing in her life. whenever i would give any help when she ask.
  10. gelfling
    i think i am in the fast down roller coaster today and having difficulty of stop my emotion and this pain in the chest. my head is accepting all the tactics recommended here and strong advice like DragonGirl but my hart is not following sometimes. but now i found a small differnce tonight, that i stop thinking her like my daughter as like i used to.. if she is safe in the warmth, not hungry ... must be funny for some people to hear though. but this mothery feeling is dying down these 4 days.
  11. gelfling
    i know am totally fool and always have been. gave my love for nothing in return. but am hoping for one day. how sad... thanks Dragongirl am not going to wait around though, will see other girls some point. if thre is any. and wish to move on truly. one of the most important thing is our same sex relationship was the first one to understood by both of our parents ! and a longest relationship for both of us. wish if am in somewhere like california or new york where many gay females are about. you can't imagine how it is like in tokyo. . .
  12. gelfling
    so it could take years ?
  13. gelfling
    26 days is just a beggining i know. she asked for a friendship together with this breakup. and i agree to be the one who understand her the best, see her growth from the distance. Dragongirl you really pointed out all my feeling. yes, am really hoping if there is anychance for her to change her mind, as she repeatedly said she will realise my love after few hartbreak with other people. and will be ready for a long term r. but always if i keep pretending am over it ?
  14. gelfling
    It has been 26 days since my ex. gf declared breakingup suddenly. I agreed to her, to set her free, because I love her so much and would do anything to make her happy. We were both upset so much then. I went down to the bottom of sorrow. But friends helped me a lot, made myself feel so fortunate to have them around. It's been sometime and I manage to control emotion better and started to feel positieve. And next day am surrounded by her memory all over an break down AGAIN. These 10 days I've been repeating this up and down. Couple of days ago, I broke 15 days NC for a quick hello as I felt positive for more than 42 hours, even started to think to date other girls and so on. We asked each other if we are ok, about family and sisters for three minutes and I hung up. Conducted myself well, short and nicely. Two days later she wrote to me thanking for a sweet call and says she is enjoying weekend with friends. asking how am up to. And I felt happier enough to make her a birthday card with just a best wishes and post it. Then I feel a painful hole in my chest again. Should I get back to NC again? Even I am visiting in her city for 2 days as a part of my business trip in July. I would love to see her nicely and show her am happier and keep the friendship.
  15. gelfling
    hello dear and what happened after you've sent a birthday card ? it will be a good excuse to show her there is a door open but not too needly. myself is now on two two different verge of calling her just to say " hi how are you've been ? " tonight either send a birthday card after 24 days of NC.
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