Advice Regarding an Online Friend

[Mariam0203]

Hi. To begin with, I've never been close to a guy in my life, so understanding one is a bit difficult for me. I met this guy through an online game, and we added each other on social media and chat frequently, but it's not flirty or romantic. Just friendly banter. However, we talk a lot. Almost all night at times. We got to the point where he leans on me for emotional support and shares parts of his life that require a lot of trust. I like him a lot, but I'm not sure if he feels the same way or if he only thinks of me as his best friend. However, he recently began teasing me and referring to me as a "dork." He checks in on me throughout the day if I'm not active most of the time and responds to my messages in seconds. The thing that confuses me is that I assume he is only doing it out of kindness because I do the same for him. Or, at the very least, I started this whole thing by texting him throughout the day to check in on him and writing him good morning messages first every day. Do guys go out of their way for such things for a girl best friend? I don't want him to know I like him either, because even if that's not the case, I still want to maintain our friendship, and I'm afraid that if he knows I like him (if I haven't made it clear enough), it will make things awkward between us. Do guys appreciate good morning messages? Is it annoying for guys if he doesn't like me? He doesn't seem to mind them and wishes me back all the time, but he never really writes them first.. Thanks everyone.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Mariam0203 said:

I met this guy through an online game,  we talk a lot. Almost all night at times. We got to the point where he leans on me for emotional support

It's fine to make friends online, however this level of communication and emotional involvement with a cyberbuddy is not healthful for you. Step away from this. Make friends and date in person.

[Batya33]

How old are you? Guys are humans.  Humans are individuals so thinking they all think the same/want the same doesn't make much sense.  This person is a stranger for all romantic purposes and for all safety purposes.  He might be a she.  He might be several people messaging you.  He might be 15, 55, 25, or 75.  The person might be married, committed, single, a parent to a young child -you have no idea.  It's safer to hide behind a screen and share personal information (and remember it might be partly true, all true, all false or true but not his truth -he might be impersonating someone else). 

Has he shown interest in meeting in person? Have you? Does he live locally? Has he asked you for money or offered to send you gifts? If he hasn't shown interest in meeting you in person then treat this as an online buddy you chat with but I would not chat constantly since you think if you met in person you might be attracted to this person.  I would not read into signs -keep reminding yourself this person is a stranger.  

If you two do plan to meet in person and it's appropriate -meaning you know who he is -how old he is - that he is single - and you've verified all of this externally -then meet in a public place for an hour if he lives locally and tell someone you trust where you will be.  Then you will see if in person you two click or have any potential to see each other again.  

Please do not choose to get attached to a stranger you type and talk to if there is no plan within the next week to meet in person ASAP. (Assuming he is safe to meet in person).

[Kwothe28]

51 minutes ago, Mariam0203 said:

Do guys appreciate good morning messages? Is it annoying for guys if he doesn't like me? He doesn't seem to mind them and wishes me back all the time, but he never really writes them first.

Until a few years I didnt even know that was a thing but it actually is lol

Anyway, he doesnt seem to reciprocitate anything at al. Doesnt flirt, doesnt wish you good morning first etc. So I think he just enjoys having a fan. 

You are pulled into an online fantasy. You both probably enjoy having someone there but there is no reality where you could be together. If he is not local, I suggest you just forget about everything and find somebody who would be there for you for real and not just typing meaningless words into computer.

[Mariam0203]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Until a few years I didnt even know that was a thing but it actually is lol

Anyway, he doesnt seem to reciprocitate anything at al. Doesnt flirt, doesnt wish you good morning first etc. So I think he just enjoys having a fan. 

You are pulled into an online fantasy. You both probably enjoy having someone there but there is no reality where you could be together. If he is not local, I suggest you just forget about everything and find somebody who would be there for you for real and not just typing meaningless words into computer.

Hi Kwothe28, I think you're absolutely right on the fact that he most likely sees me as a fan. It's a good way to put it, and he probably enjoys all the attention I give him. Yes he is nice, but I don't really get the same treatment back. I was being naïve over it. 

[Mariam0203]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

How old are you? Guys are humans.  Humans are individuals so thinking they all think the same/want the same doesn't make much sense.  This person is a stranger for all romantic purposes and for all safety purposes.  He might be a she.  He might be several people messaging you.  He might be 15, 55, 25, or 75.  The person might be married, committed, single, a parent to a young child -you have no idea.  It's safer to hide behind a screen and share personal information (and remember it might be partly true, all true, all false or true but not his truth -he might be impersonating someone else). 

Has he shown interest in meeting in person? Have you? Does he live locally? Has he asked you for money or offered to send you gifts? If he hasn't shown interest in meeting you in person then treat this as an online buddy you chat with but I would not chat constantly since you think if you met in person you might be attracted to this person.  I would not read into signs -keep reminding yourself this person is a stranger.  

If you two do plan to meet in person and it's appropriate -meaning you know who he is -how old he is - that he is single - and you've verified all of this externally -then meet in a public place for an hour if he lives locally and tell someone you trust where you will be.  Then you will see if in person you two click or have any potential to see each other again.  

Please do not choose to get attached to a stranger you type and talk to if there is no plan within the next week to meet in person ASAP. (Assuming he is safe to meet in person).

We are both adults and chatted over phone call as well. He has mentioned meeting in person, but not for romantic reasons. Just to, "hang out". He doesn't live in the same state as me however and meeting up would prove difficult. But thankyou for the reminder, I appreciate it. 

[Batya33]

So what is the purpose of staying in contact with him? (Assuming he is who he says he is and he is the one sending all the messages)

[Tinydance]

Have you video called him? I think even with just a friend, if they're just online I would probably want to know that they really are who they say they are. Also I think it's important to really get a good feel for the person and their vibes through video call. That way you could hear his tone of voice, see his facial expressions and things like that. I know that without actually meeting in person it's still hard to get to know each other properly but at least you could try to get as close to that as possible.

How long have you been talking to him? If he doesn't act romantic towards you in any way then I'm not sure if he likes you as more than a friend. I mean, being online of course it's not like he can hold your hand, kiss you or ask you out on a date. But he could still act flirtatious with the things he says. Like for example: "Good morning cutie xxoo". Just saying things that let you know he finds you attractive or has thought of you in a more romantic way.

I do find it a bit odd that a guy would get so close to a girl online and talk to her all the time if he has no romantic interest. But then again I'm not actually a gamer. I do have gamer friends who have online friends that they talk to and play video games with them and they consider them good friends. Sometimes the friends are of the opposite gender I think.

I think it's OK to have friends online because you can still enjoy their friendship in a certain capacity. I just think it doesn't necessarily have all the benefits of a real life friendship. Like really truly knowing them and how they respond in all kinds of different situations in life. And not being able to share in person life experiences and activities with them.

Then again I guess it depends what interests you actually have. All my hobbies and interests are in real life and I'm really not a homebody. So I feel like maybe an online only friendship would lack something for me. If someone is a big gamer though then maybe just chatting to that person online and having fun gaming with them is enough.

For a romantic relationship though you do need the physical intimacy, going on dates and things like that. So I'm not sure if maybe that's why this guy was a bit hesitant to strike up anything flirtatious.

When you say he's in another state, is he really far? Is it possible for you to travel to meet him and put the feelers out?

I think what you probably need to consider is why you've never been close to any guy before. Are you shy? I mean, it's OK to talk to people online but meeting people in real life is a lot more rewarding. Especially for a relationship.

[catfeeder]

I wouldn't meet a stranger from out of state. What's he going to do, travel long distance and stay in a hotel just to hang out for a while? Expect to stay with you? Expect you to meet him half way?

Read up on safety issues and online scamming before deciding what you want to do.

[Batya33]

I would continue it as a chat budy/pen pal relationship as long as you accept it is a platonic friendship and inform him of the same so there's no line crossing, etc.

[Andrina]

First things first, romances that start off as long distance have a very high failure rate. There are too many cons, including being expensive, spending too little time together, or too much time on vacations to see each other, and it takes far longer to see any skeletons come out of the closet, if they exist.

For your own good, stop hiding behind the supposed safety of a screen. It might seem like an easier plunge into the dating world, but it's not.

If you want to meet prospective dates, try Meetup.com groups for singles in your age group. Don't use being shy as an excuse. I'm shy too, but putting myself out there was worth the challenge versus being lonely. Practice makes perfect. Good luck and keep us updated.

[smackie9]

On 11/13/2022 at 2:04 PM, Mariam0203 said:

We are both adults and chatted over phone call as well. He has mentioned meeting in person, but not for romantic reasons. Just to, "hang out". He doesn't live in the same state as me however and meeting up would prove difficult. But thankyou for the reminder, I appreciate it. 

He sounds kinda interested BUT probably wants to assess the situation in person before he makes a decision. Whether or not he wants romance is another thing. Some guys are just looking to get some. Or he could just being cautious and looking at this in a more realistic manner because of the distance. Maybe he would rather keep things at arms length not to lead anyone on. 

IMO when a guy shows vulnerability to a woman, that's a form of intimacy to them. So I can see why you are questioning this. I say just let it go for now, step back and stop investing your feelings. Romance is a crap shoot...you just really never know. 

[Cherylyn]

He doesn't sound seriously interested in you otherwise he would've asked to meet you in person regularly.  For example, coffee, lunch or walks.  Did either one of you make the first move to get to know each other better in person?  In the meantime, he's merely an online friend.

Looks like he wants you to always do all the initiating via text which can get old very quickly.  When you see him, raise this concern.  You need to speak up. 

It's been a while since I've been in the dating world but based upon my experience while dating my husband,  I didn't always make myself readily available.  I had a life of my own.  I was extremely busy with my career,  doing what I enjoyed such as sports,  hobbies,  etc.  Before the age of the Internet, we spoke on the phone but I didn't always initiate calling my husband nor initiate everything.  Personally,  I think when you still keep an aura of mystery about you,  you make yourself all the more attractive and  self confident.  You're not perceived as desperate and insecure. 

Calling you "a dork" is alarming and unkind.  I never trust anyone who puts labels on a person they supposedly like.