Unusual family situation - is it worth it

[Bradley19852203]

I have started dating someone who has two young kids, is divorced but the father of the two kids has since passed away (sadly). Given all of this, this lady lives with her Mum (granny flat type arrangement) but it all seems a bit crowded and I don’t know where I could ever fit as her Mum, being the kids grandmother, is also playing somewhat of a fatherly role. It feels like a lot to plough through but I really enjoy this woman’s company and she’s a great person. Thoughts?  

[SooSad33]

It sounds like you feel a little out of place.  Can seem overwhelming in the beginning, so you all need time to adjust.

I'm not sure what bothers you about her mother being present?  Unless you rather have more time alone with your gf?  That has to be discussed.  You are just dating, not moving in etc.  So, why don't you give this more time and at least talk to the gf about some 'date nights' etc, so you two can be alone - if this is the issue?

Otherwise, usually having mum around is a benefit.  

But, if it's that bothersome for you, this situation, then don't continue.

 

[MissCanuck]

How long ago did her children's father pass, OP? 

 

[Bradley19852203]

14 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

How long ago did her children's father pass, OP? 

 

Would be coming up on 2 years (February 2021). Further to the point above, the situation with the Mum is more that - and she’s a lovely person, I don’t mean this to sound rude - she’s a very big personality who is quite “present”. I guess in my head it just feels like very quickly gone from dates outside the house (which the Mum coincidentally helped with babysitting for haha) to then going round for dinner and the like and it’s like oh, here’s Mum. Maybe it’s just me. 

[MissCanuck]

It will be tough to intergate into their family unit, I think. She is not in a place yet to be with her kids alone, which is understandable after her ex's passing. She likely needs help and support with her children (and herself) as they navigate this new life without her kids' dad. 

If being in her home inevitably also means her mother is always there, though, all you can do is ask yourself if this is what you want to sign up for. She may be a lovely woman but for now, this is part of the package.

[Mammalyssa]

I dont think you sound ready for this level of commitment. Those kids have been through a huge trauma and the last thing they need is for a new boyfriend to rush in  bond with them, then leave. 

If you're not ready to take on a step dad role you should stop right now. This to me is about the children more than anything else, they are the priority. 

I've made the mistake of being that mum and currently dealing with the consequences. I feel terrible for what my kids are going through. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Bradley19852203 said:

I have started dating someone who has two young kids, 

How long have you been dating? How old is she? How old are the children?

Do you have children? Do you have your own place? What's really the issue that she lives in what you claim is a "crowded" situation? Lack of privacy?

It's fine that she lives with the mother for financial and childcare help. 

You seem to be getting way ahead of yourself as far as some sort of step dad role.

What's really the issue? You'll never replace extended family so what's really on your mind?

[Batya33]

Oh what a tough situation for them! So is there any way you can make a very thoughtful exit and stay in very casual touch (if she is someone you already were friendly with?) and - you know -in a few years things may sort themselves out to the extent where she is more available to date and/or you may be in a different headspace where you are comfortable with her family situation.  

[smackie9]

Best to keep your lives separate for now. Live apart, see each other and enjoy each others company. Who said you had to fill a father role, or support this family. Keep it simple and just date.

[Cherylyn]

Date a woman without baggage because it will be easier.  Dating a mother means you'll always have less priority because there are too many demands on her time, energy, resources and attention.  Being squeezed into her brain space will not make you happy.  You will grow impatient, frustrated and irritated very easily.  Remain realistic. 

[Kwothe28]

Are you comfortable with being a kids dad? Having a financial obligation about the kids that arent yours and can be gone as soon as their mother leaves? Do you want the kids of your own? Would she be open to that idea? What if she moves in? Are you ready for 3 more people with you? Are you ready for her mother being involved in your life too because if she is so involved into hers, trust me, she will be involved into yours.

Those are all the questions you need to ask yourself. And why dating single moms is extra hard for them and people who want them. Dating is hard as it is. So, if you are not ready for the above, dont waste time there. Find some single girl where you wont have that much trouble and where you wont need to accept that much baggage. 

[catfeeder]

All of this just sounds premature. Take the time to date the woman OUT of her home, and get to know her.

You've read the signals of what may be required of you if you choose to escalate this relationship into commitment, but plenty of people date for a year or more before deciding whether they want to take on that kind of role with one another.

So why not just date and decline invitations to meld with her family? Communicate clearly that you're open and ready for dating outside the home, the way that millions of couples date, so you can learn about one another outside of the burdens of assigned roles.

If she's open to this without conflict, then keep exploring. If she's not, then she's imposing a premature filter on your experience with one another, and you do NOT need to conform to that.

If it's her way or the highway, I'd pick the highway. If she's willing to explore one another outside of that context, then enjOy.

[Andrina]

It's a very serious decision, and you're wise to consider whether to end things now or to move forward with her, although you need to have further discussions with her.

If it were me in that position, I'd find out from her how she envisions the future. Will her mother live with her forever, even if your gf got married or had a longterm serious relationship with a man? As I know that if her mother doesn't have the financial means to move out, maybe she won't.

And you should also consider that you are taking on a bigger role as a parent since the childrens' father has passed away. I know you don't know them well yet, but adults not related to a child either has chemistry with them or not. I used to be a childcare teacher, so I know there there were children I worked with who I could have adopted, and others I had no interest in adopting. If you don't feel the capability of loving those children in the future, I'd opt out of dating their mother now. Kids don't need someone who can't be crazy about them. I know that happened to my friend when her mother died when she was 7, and the stepmother liked all the other kids in the family better, and my friend suffered from that and even tried to commit suicide when she was 13.

Do make sure she has the time to date you as much as you like to get together. It's okay not to sacrifice your happiness in that area just because the person you've dated is kind. I know when I was single I rejected dating one guy when I found out what little time for me he'd have because of child custody schedules. 

Good luck, whatever you decide.

[jul-els]

It’s a package deal. It’s fine if you’re fine with it. If you’re not, it won’t be. It 100% depends on what you’re comfortable with.