Wife Hates My Mother

[Tony_Soprano]

I'm in a tough position because I really don't know how she'll react to marriage counselling. Although, she is supportive of mine and claims "we can all benefit from therapy" I just don't know how she'd take to the tables being turned like that. I really do feel like she's being unfair, unreasonable and unflinching which is so unlike her in every other facet of life. She stood by me during my financial woes, weight loss journey, career change and is generally super supportive and understanding but with my mom—the opposite.

Yes, my mother has irked my wife and I do see her points about babying at times and how she fears the same fate as her parents' marriage. The name scoffing was a dagger, I think, as my wife said she wanted to strangle her for that after the tough birth she went through. And once you're on my wife's s*it list it's hard to come off.

[mylolita]

Hey @Batya33!

 

Just wanted to add, I think sometimes people react so differently to things!

 

My father in law didn’t just scoff at my sons name once, he kept saying how he didn’t like it over and over again, up until he was about 3 months old! Now he adores it, couldn’t think of our son who’s soon to be 5 being called anything other!

I guess I could have gotten offended but I just thought okay, he’s a blunt kinda guy, always says whatever he’s thinking, doesn’t like the name, so what? I love it, we loved it - that was all that mattered to me. And, I like my father in law as well! Even his not so great aspects aside!

 

I don’t know - it’s not a reason or a good reason in my book to try to reduce an elderly parent with health conditions back even further. 
 

Or maybe I am too laid back on these things 🥲 I never saw those types of comments to be a bad thing. Rude yes but, if you know the big picture of how someone is then, you can take the comment and realise it’s not personal.

 

If the OP’s mother actively meant to hurt her daughter in law that would be different in my opinion but, if it was an insensitive badly timed comment? I think definitely forgivable! 
 

I’m siding with Granny here 🥲 

 

Eee Batya haha x

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, Tony_Soprano said:

The name scoffing was a dagger, I think, as my wife said she wanted to strangle her for that after the tough birth she went through. And once you're on my wife's s*it list it's hard to come off.

I think it depends on what was said, when and why.  We named our son after my husband's grandmother (I loved her too!) -his mother's mother - middle name was named after my cousin.  So the family was thrilled with the choice including my parents -they remembered my husband's grandmother plus everyone loved the name.  In kindergarten or earlier we learned "if you don't have something nice to say don't say anything." I agree if the person is elderly/in poor health it's different. 

Also depends on the person's sensitivity to names. etc.

[boltnrun]

I hereby promise to never use my age or my poor health as an excuse to be rude to my kids or their spouses. 

I was told to excuse the horrible things my mother said to me when I was a child as being due to stress over having to support her kids by herself and also being in poor health. Well, I never, not once, said the things she said to me to my kids no matter how awful I felt or how terrified I was that I would die while my kids were still young (and yes, that was a real possibility). 

However, you said in previous threads that your mom was starting to suffer from memory loss and that your dad was yelling at her. You also said your wife was struggling after giving birth. So while I don't think that excuses anything, it definitely could be a reason why your wife and mother clash. My grandmother sometimes played the "You may be sick but I'm sicker so therefore I deserve special treatment" game with my mom and her siblings, so yeah, that can happen.

I feel for you. My mother was jealous of my husband and of my brother's wife so I know how difficult it is to be in the middle.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Tony_Soprano said:

. She stood by me during my financial woes, weight loss journey, career change and is generally super supportive and understanding but with my mom—the opposite.

The most important thing to remember is that you married your wife, not your mother.

It's also not essential whatsoever that they like each other. Forcing people on each other is a reason for discord.

One of the biggest sources of marital conflict is in-laws. Especially inflicting them on each other. It's a hallmark card myth that everyone must blend into this gigantic happy extended family.

Just continue with therapy on your own and always remember that your family is your wife and children, not your parents anymore. Your wife and children are your future, your parents are your past. Invest wisely.

Trying to make out your wife as "the crazy one who needs therapy" isn't helping.

You also don't need marriage therapy as the marriage itself isn't broken. You just need boundaries with your parents.

 

[moodindigo91]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just continue with therapy on your own and always remember that your family is your wife and children, not your parents anymore.

This is an odd belief in my opinion. Since when did you have to choose between your parents and your spouse? Typically, I would imagine you'd want both in your life. I think this is bad advice. To just abandon your parents as they age and concentrate solely on your wife and kids. I think the wife is being unreasonable and dramatic. Maybe I'm just not that sensitive but I wouldn't really care if someone scoffed at the name I chose for my child. I understand that people have their opinions and I'm not going to like or agree with all of them. Why would you purposely hold onto a grudge like that and cause friction in your marriage when you could simply let it go and move on with your life? No one is suggesting the wife is crazy. But she seems unwilling to compromise. In my opinion, that's a straight road toward a broken marriage. In-laws get inflicted on each other as soon as two parties get married. They are going to have to deal with each other thereafter for various reasons, it has nothing to do with "blending". They don't have to like each other, but they should learn to be able to deal with one another respectfully.  

[boltnrun]

I find it interesting that in Western cultures and Americans in particular, an adult who has a close relationship with their mother is considered a "mommy's boy/girl". My former roommate is from Turkey and she told me "I think it's terrible how you Americans just abandon your parents and leave them to fend for themselves!" Like, thanks for raising me, now find your own food and housing while you age! My son's spouse is from an Asian country and has the same opinion. His spouse even told me I should live with them! (I don't and won't lol).

I tend to think more like an American on this topic (as I am American!) but not to the extent that I would expect my spouse to choose between me and his parents. No way would I ever make that demand.

I would not suggest to your wife that she gets individual therapy. How about family counseling instead? There are a few conflicts (per your previous threads), so negotiating through those conflicts with a professional would be a good idea.

[mylolita]

15 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

This is an odd belief in my opinion. Since when did you have to choose between your parents and your spouse? Typically, I would imagine you'd want both in your life. I think this is bad advice. To just abandon your parents as they age and concentrate solely on your wife and kids. I think the wife is being unreasonable and dramatic. Maybe I'm just not that sensitive but I wouldn't really care if someone scoffed at the name I chose for my child. I understand that people have their opinions and I'm not going to like or agree with all of them. Why would you purposely hold onto a grudge like that and cause friction in your marriage when you could simply let it go and move on with your life? No one is suggesting the wife is crazy. But she seems unwilling to compromise. In my opinion, that's a straight road toward a broken marriage. In-laws get inflicted on each other as soon as two parties get married. They are going to have to deal with each other thereafter for various reasons, it has nothing to do with "blending". They don't have to like each other, but they should learn to be able to deal with one another respectfully.  

Yes - and double standards, because his wife doesn’t have to limit or reduce her contact to parents which, by the sounds of it, she has contact with on the regular!

 

When should one person in the relationship call all the shots? Just because they are the  mother of your child? Some women use this fact to justify some bad behaviour and selfish demands in my opinion! 
 

Going off solo to therapy isn’t a great way of dealing with relationship problems either in my opinion. You are a team. It’s not like, “That’s your issue so you deal with that - bye!” You have to work on these things together. You can’t just tell your partner you’re wrong, go off and fix it or I’m not happy! 
 

x

[mylolita]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I find it interesting that in Western cultures and Americans in particular, an adult who has a close relationship with their mother is considered a "mommy's boy/girl". My former roommate is from Turkey and she told me "I think it's terrible how you Americans just abandon your parents and leave them to fend for themselves!" Like, thanks for raising me, now find your own food and housing while you age! My son's spouse is from an Asian country and has the same opinion. His spouse even told me I should live with them! (I don't and won't lol).

I tend to think more like an American on this topic (as I am American!) but not to the extent that I would expect my spouse to choose between me and his parents. No way would I ever make that demand.

I would not suggest to your wife that she gets individual therapy. How about family counseling instead? There are a few conflicts (per your previous threads), so negotiating through those conflicts with a professional would be a good idea.

YES!

 

For example, if the OP were Italian, the family is hugely important, with grandparents happily co-existing and living alongside the couple in the same house!
 

I personally LOVE the idea of that but I enjoy hustle bustle and the idea of large families and lots of friends and all of that! I think if someone said hey you can have 6 kids I would have said YES! I am slightly sad to stop at 3! 
 

As much as I have had my moments with my in laws, if they ever became sick or needed respite or just anything, I could welcome them into our house with open arms! I hope when I am older, if I am lucky to grow old, my family would do the same for me. Not that I would ask it, but it would be nice for the genuine sentiment to be there. I understand not everyone lives in a house that could realistically accommodate this but I am lucky at the moment that we could do it. It’s a nice option. 
 

I wish I had a closer relationship with my parents and I am constantly urging my husband to make up with his and try to amend past wrongs. I would ideally like them to settle their differences.
 

x

[Tony_Soprano]

Thank you to all who contributed. There is lots to catch up on overnight so here's my attempt...

• At no point has my wife asked me to choose between her or my mom; she's simply requesting healthier boundaries
• She gets along well with the rest of my family
• She suggested couples therapy but I already started individual sessions unbeknownst to her so she's open to talking it out together (I can't believe four months into marriage we're at this point)
• I can see a point where resentment sets in as she has maintained the same communication with her fam (which I support) but I'm being asked to change mine
• I fear my parents grow old and my son doesn't have a relationship with them (I've not shared this with my wife yet but I will soon)
• Despite these restrictions, I am still "close" with my parents as we speak weekly and text throughout the week; visits are not practical living so far away
• When I saw my parents last week (happened to be near hometown for business trip) I got my parents to tell me "I'm a good son" and "not to worry about us, we're okay" and that really helped

[Tony_Soprano]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

The most important thing to remember is that you married your wife, not your mother.

Your wife and children are your future, your parents are your past. Invest wisely.

Trying to make out your wife as "the crazy one who needs therapy" isn't helping.

You also don't need marriage therapy as the marriage itself isn't broken. You just need boundaries with your parents.

Tried to privately message you but it wouldn't allow me so just wanted to thank you for these quotes. I needed to see this from my wife's perspective and it's great to hear my marriage isn't broken (from a stranger!)—thanks, Wiseman!

[smackie9]

If you are Italian I know that Italians are very close to family especially with their mothers and their nonnas. That bond is unbreakable. I think things just need to be discussed with your wife, by asking her about why is she taking things so personally. Your mom lives miles away and barely sees her. A phone call once a week isn't too much to ask. Must come up with a compromise. 

[DarkCh0c0]

One thing I don't get is that your wife is struggling after having a child, and all you're thinking about is therapy regarding your relationship with your mom.

Shouldn't the kid and your wife's PPD be the priority? Or did I miss something?

[Tony_Soprano]

34 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

If you are Italian I know that Italians are very close to family especially with their mothers and their nonnas. That bond is unbreakable. I think things just need to be discussed with your wife, by asking her about why is she taking things so personally. Your mom lives miles away and barely sees her. A phone call once a week isn't too much to ask. Must come up with a compromise. 

Spot on! We are tight-knit but have lost our ways a bit as all of my siblings have moved away. My wife is a sensible and reasonable lady in all other facets of life, but when it comes to my mom she changes to the opposite. It's almost like a visceral response and she becomes difficult to compromise with.

33 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

One thing I don't get is that your wife is struggling after having a child, and all you're thinking about is therapy regarding your relationship with your mom.

Shouldn't the kid and your wife's PPD be the priority? Or did I miss something?

I guess I should've added that this issue has sorted itself out now that she's back to work and not mat leaving in a dark, cold place. I'm not sure what PPD stands for but in mid-2022 these issues dissipated and the new issue of my mother came to the forefront.

[Batya33]

PPD - post partum depression.  PPA post partum anxiety (I had neither but know many who have)

[Tony_Soprano]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

PPD - post partum depression.  PPA post partum anxiety (I had neither but know many who have)

Ah, thank you!

[smackie9]

I think this is about perception. Any of these comments you mother has made, did you stick up for yourself and your wife? Like pulled her aside and told her that it was upsetting your wife? If not, then I can see her feeling unsupported and resentful. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, moodindigo91 said:

This is an odd belief in my opinion. Since when did you have to choose between your parents and your spouse?

That's ok. Of course everyone's interpretation of how marriage and families work is different.

Since the Bible was written? “Leave and cleave” comes from Genesis 2:24, in the Bible.

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Since the Bible was written? “Leave and cleave” comes from Genesis 2:24, in the Bible, which states, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

But not everyone follows the teachings in the bible. And there are a lot of old testament teachings that aren't relevant today such as men not shaving their facial hair. 

[Tony_Soprano]

6 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I think this is about perception. Any of these comments you mother has made, did you stick up for yourself and your wife? Like pulled her aside and told her that it was upsetting your wife? If not, then I can see her feeling unsupported and resentful. 

It was a quick scoff at our child's name through a FaceTime with other family members. Not really take her aside and have a talk. My wife simply doesn't respect my mom for reasons I understand but I can't get passed how just the mention of her name makes my wife cringe. It's no sustainable.

 

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Since the Bible was written? “Leave and cleave” comes from Genesis 2:24, in the Bible, which states, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

I really don't care for the choice, either, but I do appreciate the sentiment of supporting your wife and new family (investing in the future) over your old family SHOULD push come to shove. Fortunately, we are not at push or shove yet.

[Seraphim]

Ah so she can talk to her family all the time but she isn’t a mummy’s girl? 

[moodindigo91]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Since the Bible was written?

Yikes 😶

I think this is your own personal interpretation of the language in Genesis. Leaving and cleaving does not mean completely severing yourself from your parents/elders and abandoning them. This is more about finding someone to procreate with than anything. The Bible also says honor thy father and mother. In any case, I wouldn't recommend arranging your entire life around what the Bible says. 

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, Tony_Soprano said:

It was a quick scoff at our child's name through a FaceTime with other family members. Not really take her aside and have a talk. My wife simply doesn't respect my mom for reasons I understand but I can't get passed how just the mention of her name makes my wife cringe. It's no sustainable.

 

 

This is why I say you two need to sit down and discuss this. Find out the reason why she feels the way she does...a full explanation. That will be your starting point to resolving this. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Tony_Soprano said:

I really don't care for the choice, either, but I do appreciate the sentiment of supporting your wife and new family (investing in the future) over your old family SHOULD push come to shove. Fortunately, we are not at push or shove yet.

You're doing the right thing. It won't come to a "choice", just priorities.

[mylolita]

27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Simply answered your question. No interpretation at all.

@Tony_Soprano You're doing good putting your wife and children fisrt. That's all you can do.

I’m curious Wiseman - are you married yourself and have children? 
 

You don’t have to answer of course, but I wonder if you are coming at this from personal experience? 
 

A lot of wives absolutely calling the shots within their marriages these days, just something I have noticed.

 

When you get married, no one told me it meant you can be as unreasonable, hypocritical and demanding as you like just because you are married and had a baby! I never got that memo on my wedding my day! 
 

The daughter in law who dislikes the mother in law is as old as time memorial. It’s so common. I highly doubt we need professional help and therapy sessions but, I am a Brit, and we tend to take a different opinion on these kind of things. We think therapy should be reserved for war veterans with post traumatic stress and people who suffered horrible abuse as children, not someone who doesn’t like their husband texting their mother they never see and who made fun of their baby name once!

 

x