Tony_Soprano

Thank you all who contributed. I'll keep this brief as I'm out and about doing Christmas things. Batya, my wife's parents live in the same area of the country so we're both essentially the same distance from our parents/in-laws I'm leaning towards the direct approach, no nonsense or extra context That's smart, Coily, thanks. We truly are happy up here with our careers and pace of life so not too keen on returning to our "hometowns" anytime soon Wiseman, I should've been clearer: we ARE moving south but nowhere closer to our parents. My wife has a job starting in March, I have two interviews in early January and our son already has a daycare spot so it is happening I would hate for them to blurt out something insensitive and/or unsupportive at the news so I may prime them before we tell them together I know their upset-ness comes from a good place of missing us Merry Christmas Eve everyone!

This sounds eerily similar to my situation as we're in our thirties and I do have an aunt concerned about my mother/her sister. We will be more connected in this new city so visiting more often is a possibility.

This is likely how I'll do it after the holidays. The funny thing is my dad left his parents in Italy for a better life in Canada in the '60s so he should understand.

Hello eNA, My wife, son and I are currently living in the Canadian Arctic. Our families think this is just a quick adventure and assume our next move will be back to our home province. Although that was the plan, we like it up here and are thinking of moving south but to a different territory that is still two time zones away from our families. I'm really struggling with how to tell my family, specifically my parents, as I know they miss us and assume we'll be back close to them in a year or so. I'm sure they'll be gutted when we tell them it's another 3–5 year plan in a far away city. They need to understand home is where my wife and kid are but I don't want to hurt them, y'know? Any pointers on how to broach this subject would be appreciated. Happy holidays!

I really do like this approach and will definitely bring it up at our next talk. It's been a good two weeks since my posts, including an incredible breakthrough with therapist and subsequent talk with my wife a week ago. I still feel a bit it being left unsaid and will address it after my next therapy session on the 15th. I appreciate your input, especially on the defending wife over mother even when she's rude to her husband/my dad.

Wonderstruck — I love the point of view from my wife's perspective, I really do. Come to think of it, I never defended my wife to my mom only tried to preemptively prevent her from blurting out something insensitive by maintaining 'social distance' between them. I think my wife senses that and wishes I was firmer in certain instances instead of lauding her, then saying something negative, then praising her again. It's semi-firm. Even when she's rude to my dad I just allow it then comment later to my wife in private. Thanks for bringing this to my attention. boltnrun — I just had a therapy session then immediately my wife came home for lunch and I laid it all out. It helped that I was in tears so I couldn't hide how the session went but my wife was very supportive, yet firm, with me. Somehow manliness and machismo came up and the session focused on nostalgia for boyhood freedoms in contrast to adult responsibilities of being a dad and husband. She gave me examples of how I'm great at both, not just lip service, but concrete examples followed by examples of people we know who are NOT being good dads and/or husbands. I felt lighter immediately. My mom didn't come up much in therapy or with my wife post-therapy but I feel heard and much better just an hour after the session. bluecastle — Oh man that was scary accurate! It was so accurate I never even realized that was the process in place. "Oh, if I do this then the annoyance will disappear" but it's simply untrue. We need to talk about where her line is for communication and "when this happens it makes me feel..." type of stuff.

Thank you all once again for your valuable input. Things are looking better with me being more upfront and honest and her being supportive of my therapy. I have another session this afternoon which may set the tone for a weekend 'talk' about the imbalance between my parents' relationship and hers. I hope to explore resentment with my counsellor today because I could feel it brewing inside me if this continues for months or years. If this continues trending in the wrong direction I will remind her she suggested marriage counselling and give that a go but for now, I am okay working on myself one-on-one.

It was a quick scoff at our child's name through a FaceTime with other family members. Not really take her aside and have a talk. My wife simply doesn't respect my mom for reasons I understand but I can't get passed how just the mention of her name makes my wife cringe. It's no sustainable. I really don't care for the choice, either, but I do appreciate the sentiment of supporting your wife and new family (investing in the future) over your old family SHOULD push come to shove. Fortunately, we are not at push or shove yet.

Ah, thank you!

Spot on! We are tight-knit but have lost our ways a bit as all of my siblings have moved away. My wife is a sensible and reasonable lady in all other facets of life, but when it comes to my mom she changes to the opposite. It's almost like a visceral response and she becomes difficult to compromise with. I guess I should've added that this issue has sorted itself out now that she's back to work and not mat leaving in a dark, cold place. I'm not sure what PPD stands for but in mid-2022 these issues dissipated and the new issue of my mother came to the forefront.

Tried to privately message you but it wouldn't allow me so just wanted to thank you for these quotes. I needed to see this from my wife's perspective and it's great to hear my marriage isn't broken (from a stranger!)—thanks, Wiseman!

Thank you to all who contributed. There is lots to catch up on overnight so here's my attempt... At no point has my wife asked me to choose between her or my mom; she's simply requesting healthier boundaries She gets along well with the rest of my family She suggested couples therapy but I already started individual sessions unbeknownst to her so she's open to talking it out together (I can't believe four months into marriage we're at this point) I can see a point where resentment sets in as she has maintained the same communication with her fam (which I support) but I'm being asked to change mine I fear my parents grow old and my son doesn't have a relationship with them (I've not shared this with my wife yet but I will soon) Despite these restrictions, I am still "close" with my parents as we speak weekly and text throughout the week; visits are not practical living so far away When I saw my parents last week (happened to be near hometown for business trip) I got my parents to tell me "I'm a good son" and "not to worry about us, we're okay" and that really helped

I'm in a tough position because I really don't know how she'll react to marriage counselling. Although, she is supportive of mine and claims "we can all benefit from therapy" I just don't know how she'd take to the tables being turned like that. I really do feel like she's being unfair, unreasonable and unflinching which is so unlike her in every other facet of life. She stood by me during my financial woes, weight loss journey, career change and is generally super supportive and understanding but with my mom—the opposite. Yes, my mother has irked my wife and I do see her points about babying at times and how she fears the same fate as her parents' marriage. The name scoffing was a dagger, I think, as my wife said she wanted to strangle her for that after the tough birth she went through. And once you're on my wife's s*it list it's hard to come off.

I feel the same way but it's a tough sell. I'd have to tell her "you know how I was supposed to be exploring my relationship with my mother? Yeah, well, it's actually you that needs to." I fear for the fallout so I'm going to stick with my one-on-one sessions until there's a breakthrough. Hopefully this happens at Friday's session.

bluecastle — I'm hurting. I hate that my wife doesn't get along with my mother and I hate that I can't send a quick check-in text without fear of looking like a mama's boy. I do think it was co-dependent at times, so there is cause for concern from my partner's perspective, but not therapy-requiring. My wife is definitely seeking negatives in any and all interactions and that's hard for me to navigate. Meanwhile, she has a loving and open communication with her parents. Often FaceTiming multiple times weekly and texting somewhat regularly in family chats and privately, I'm sure. So there is no envy on her part. boltnrun — Good researching skills! I'd say it started December 2020 but escalated around our wedding in July 2022. My wife has minimal empathy for my mom because she whines about vague issues. She does have empathy for her hearing loss, which is evident and worked on via hearing aids. moodindigo91 — I really am trying to keep harmony in my household, thanks for asking. As I mentioned to bluecastle above, I really don't think it necessitated therapy, but here I am spending $400/month to talk about how my feelings are valid and next session we'll explore my wife's triggers (unbeknownst to her, of course). My mom knows nothing of the disdain, but may have a clue due to lack of communication. I should mention my wife's trigger is likely her grandmother's relationship with her mother. Her father's mother was apparently a b*itch to her mother which caused strain in their marriage. She would call her names to her face and cried when they moved 5 km further away, complained about vague symptoms too. My mother is not this controlling but my wife sees similarities in my role in the family as her father's role in his family (youngest, caretaker, drop everything for them, etc.)