Alone on a weekend, modern society problems

[Daisy Brown]

I used to have lots of friends in my old town, then I moved away and lost contact with most of them.

 I don’t particularly enjoy going out and drinking. I don’t like the idea of spending your two free days trying to forget the remaining five of the week. I would rather spend time doing activities I find meaning and that add to my life.

But then I go to social media and see everyone’s stories of how they are out with lots of friends, drinking.

And I kind of feel alone. 
I would love to have a meaningful friend to share the joys of life with.

But after starting to say no to what doesn’t resonate with me (drinking myself to the point of blackout every weekend) and cutting off people who are either toxic or the relationship is very one sided, I end up here, alone.

And I can’t help but wonder, is there something wrong with me?

Ive tried to develop deeper relationships with people, but I seem to either fail or try with the wrong people 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Daisy Brown said:

But then I go to social media and see everyone’s stories of how they are out with lots of friends, drinking.

Join groups and clubs that gel with your clean-living active healthy lifestyle.  Try some classes and courses. Whatever. Yoga, dance, cooking, golf, etc.  People post an inordinate amount of rubbish on social media to appear as if they have some sort of party or glamourous lifestyle (keep in mind they are not posting the hangover uglies). Do whatever suits you and in a setting with likeminded people.

[mylolita]

Evening Daisy!

 

I feel like you are at a similar point to myself! I decided, last year, to just let all the superficial friendships and even the fill the gap see now and then but it doesn’t mean much people fall to the side. At first, I was exhilarated! It was like letting go of weight. Then a loneliness started to creep in, leave, then come back again.

 

I’m in no rush to start up a friendship just because I feel I should though. 
 

I think you get to a point in your life where you ask yourself - what is meaningful to me? What is authentic to myself? Am I being honest? Am I being true to what I want and need? 
 

Sometimes the answer is no. And we often know, deep down, when we are not acting in an authentic way or when we live our lives for other people, or other peoples perceptions, or to please other people or impress other people or fit in with other people. 
 

I would say, take your weekend and think, what do I really want to do? What do I need right now? What makes me feel happy and fulfilled? 
 

You could make a list. You might want to start up a class, join a group, take a new hobby, take a bath and start some beauty spa regimes, re-decorate, organise your home, see family more, take up exercise, further education… it could be anything. But it should be what you want to do for you, not because you think you should be doing it or because other people think you should be doing it. 
 

I wish you all the best! 
 

An open fresh start is a great thing! 
 

x

[mylolita]

PS - if it is not essential for work or networking, I would really recommend either a social media break (at least a week) or consider deleting it altogether!

 

I haven’t had Facebook for about 6-7 years and it has been AMAZING! 
 

x

[Daisy Brown]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Join groups and clubs that gel with your clean-living active healthy lifestyle.  Try some classes and courses. Whatever. Yoga, dance, cooking, golf, etc.  People post an inordinate amount of rubbish on social media to appear as if they have some sort of party or glamourous lifestyle (keep in mind they are not posting the hangover uglies). Do whatever suits you and in a setting with likeminded people.

I’ve tried to join groups / hobbies. I seem to be unable to get past acquaintances :(( yes, what you are saying about social media is true

[Daisy Brown]

5 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Evening Daisy!

 

I feel like you are at a similar point to myself! I decided, last year, to just let all the superficial friendships and even the fill the gap see now and then but it doesn’t mean much people fall to the side. At first, I was exhilarated! It was like letting go of weight. Then a loneliness started to creep in, leave, then come back again.

 

I’m in no rush to start up a friendship just because I feel I should though. 
 

I think you get to a point in your life where you ask yourself - what is meaningful to me? What is authentic to myself? Am I being honest? Am I being true to what I want and need? 
 

Sometimes the answer is no. And we often know, deep down, when we are not acting in an authentic way or when we live our lives for other people, or other peoples perceptions, or to please other people or impress other people or fit in with other people. 
 

I would say, take your weekend and think, what do I really want to do? What do I need right now? What makes me feel happy and fulfilled? 
 

You could make a list. You might want to start up a class, join a group, take a new hobby, take a bath and start some beauty spa regimes, re-decorate, organise your home, see family more, take up exercise, further education… it could be anything. But it should be what you want to do for you, not because you think you should be doing it or because other people think you should be doing it. 
 

I wish you all the best! 
 

An open fresh start is a great thing! 
 

x

Thank you for your answer 🙏 yes we seem to be on a similar path, and I wish you the best of luck✨

[mylolita]

6 minutes ago, Daisy Brown said:

Thank you for your answer 🙏 yes we seem to be on a similar path, and I wish you the best of luck✨

It’s okay! I’ve just accepted it’s okay Daisy! ☺️
 

It’s okay to say, I can’t find anyone I really click with at the moment so, I’m  not going to collect fair weather friends anymore! You want someone you really click with, even on a friend level, it’s not easy!

 

I think sometimes in our lives we have periods of really hectic full seasons, other times we need a break. We have down time, maybe even down months or a year where, you almost need to step back and re-assess! Well, for me, anyway! 
 

Life doesn’t always have to be insanely full of this and that and a billion activities and hobbies and parties! I have come to peace with, it’s okay to just be still sometimes, and enjoy your own company. I’ve started taking really long baths again, or reading books all the time. I have three kids under 4 so when we get them to bed, sometimes I just need an hour or two to unwind. I enjoy… the silence! HA! 
 

You have the steering wheel to your life! Drive yourself where you want to go! I think you’ll find plenty of great people as you branch out more into different areas. You are changing your lifestyle, it’s going to take some adjustment and feel strange or lonely at first.

 

Sorry to gab on! I think you’ll be absolutely fine, more than fine! It takes courage to say no to what everyone else is doing.

 

x

[greendots]

22 minutes ago, Daisy Brown said:

But then I go to social media and see everyone’s stories of how they are out with lots of friends, drinking.

What someone posts on their social media page is a curated account of how their life is like.

As others have suggested join some groups or clubs that you find interesting. For many, it takes time to befriend someone. Quality over quantity any time. Should a group / club not be welcoming move on to the next one.

[Daisy Brown]

8 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Evening Daisy!

 

I feel like you are at a similar point to myself! I decided, last year, to just let all the superficial friendships and even the fill the gap see now and then but it doesn’t mean much people fall to the side. At first, I was exhilarated! It was like letting go of weight. Then a loneliness started to creep in, leave, then come back again.

 

I’m in no rush to start up a friendship just because I feel I should though. 
 

I think you get to a point in your life where you ask yourself - what is meaningful to me? What is authentic to myself? Am I being honest? Am I being true to what I want and need? 
 

Sometimes the answer is no. And we often know, deep down, when we are not acting in an authentic way or when we live our lives for other people, or other peoples perceptions, or to please other people or impress other people or fit in with other people. 
 

I would say, take your weekend and think, what do I really want to do? What do I need right now? What makes me feel happy and fulfilled? 
 

You could make a list. You might want to start up a class, join a group, take a new hobby, take a bath and start some beauty spa regimes, re-decorate, organise your home, see family more, take up exercise, further education… it could be anything. But it should be what you want to do for you, not because you think you should be doing it or because other people think you should be doing it. 
 

I wish you all the best! 
 

An open fresh start is a great thing! 
 

x

Joining a class or a hobby is a great idea! I have actually done that. But it seems to not solve the problem.

Ive reflected, and my sense of loneliness seems to stem from a lack of depth in my relations. I have lots of acquaintances, but I would say few or no friends. Maybe others are quicker to call an acquaintance a friend? Maybe I have way higher expectations? 
 

In my eyes, in any inter human relationship, there should be trust and support. Or there is no point in having that friendship / relationship really. Then it’s merely superficial. Essentially you are still all alone, with a sense of illusion that lessens the staggering reality of that we are all alone, essentially.

Or am I overthinking it too much..?

[Jibralta]

24 minutes ago, Daisy Brown said:

And I can’t help but wonder, is there something wrong with me?

Nope. You sound like you're on a good track, actually. Just don't read too much into social media. Everyone knows it's mostly propaganda BS, carefully calculated to make people seem happier than they actually are. More importantly, it's annoying and a waste of time. I quit Facebook almost 10 years ago and I breathe a deep sign of relief every time I remember that I'm free of that crap lol.

As for being alone on a weekend--I felt that way too, way before Facebook was a thing. When I was in my late teens/ early 20s, I felt like something was wrong if I didn't have plans to go out every weekend. I was just thinking about this today, actually. I can't even relate to that worry anymore! 

[Daisy Brown]

3 minutes ago, mylolita said:

It’s okay! I’ve just accepted it’s okay Daisy! ☺️
 

It’s okay to say, I can’t find anyone I really click with at the moment so, I’m just not going to collect fair weather friends anymore! You want someone you really click with, even on a friend level, it’s not easy!

 

I think sometimes in our lives we have periods of really hectic full seasons, other times we need a break. We have down time, maybe even down months or a year where, you almost need to step back and re-assess! Well, for me, anyway! 
 

Life doesn’t always have to be insanely full of this and that and a billion activities and hobbies! I have come to peace with, it’s okay to just be still sometimes, and enjoy your own company. I’ve started taking really long baths again, or reading books all the time. I have three kids under 4 so when we get them to bed, sometimes I just need an hour or two to unwind. I enjoy… the silence! HA! 
 

You have the steering wheel to your life! Drive yourself where you want to go! I think you’ll find plenty of great people as you branch out more into different areas. You are changing your lifestyle, it’s going to take some adjustment and feel strange or lonely at first.

 

Sorry to gab on! I think you’ll be absolutely fine, more than fine! It takes courage to say no to what everyone else is doing.

 

x

Very wise words and beautifully put. There are different seasons in life. Maybe it’s about going with the flow and seeing what life brings you, rather than forcing something you THINK should be, when instead life is happening in perfect order, teaching you what you must know to enjoy and appreciate what you wish attain in the future 

[mylolita]

Just now, Daisy Brown said:

Joining a class or a hobby is a great idea! I have actually done that. But it seems to not solve the problem.

Ive reflected, and my sense of loneliness seems to stem from a lack of depth in my relations. I have lots of acquaintances, but I would say few or no friends. Maybe others are quicker to call an acquaintance a friend? Maybe I have way higher expectations? 
 

In my eyes, in any inter human relationship, there should be trust and support. Or there is no point in having that friendship / relationship really. Then it’s merely superficial. Essentially you are still all alone, with a sense of illusion that lessens the staggering reality of that we are all alone, essentially.

Or am I overthinking it too much..?

Hey Daisy! 
 

No, not overthinking at all, just thinking!
 

I could have wrote your post! You have to follow what you value in life - deeper more meaningful friendships is one of those things! You have to get out there to find them, it’s true, but it’s not unusual to feel lonely or to stand back one day and re-assess a group of people who you thought were friends but maybe, to your standards, weren’t.

 

x

[Daisy Brown]

7 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Nope. You sound like you're on a good track, actually. Just don't read too much into social media. Everyone knows it's mostly propaganda BS, carefully calculated to make people seem happier than they actually are. More importantly, it's annoying and a waste of time. I quit Facebook almost 10 years ago and I breathe a deep sign of relief every time I remember that I'm free of that crap lol.

As for being alone on a weekend--I felt that way too, way before Facebook was a thing. When I was in my late teens/ early 20s, I felt like something was wrong if I didn't have plans to go out every weekend. I was just thinking about this today, actually. I can't even relate to that worry anymore! 

That feeling goes away eventually ? Maybe you are right. Maybe it’s not about changing myself to fit society’s framework. Maybe it’s about changing my perception of there being something wrong with me, just because I don’t buy into the typical understanding of fun or subscribe to what the life of a typical twenty-something girl should be like, look like, feel like.

[Batya33]

48 minutes ago, Daisy Brown said:

I’ve tried to join groups / hobbies. I seem to be unable to get past acquaintances :(( yes, what you are saying about social media is true

I would look for a community or church theater and volunteer backstage and/or volunteer elsewhere where you interact with kind, thoughtful adults.Developing friendships takes time and showing up.

I'm sorry you feel lonely.  Certain of your friends out there drinking might feel very lonely in a crowd and are taking photos to combat those feelings.

[Batya33]

I moved to a new city as a newlywed, new mom and unemployed for the first time in 15 years from a city I'd lived in for 43 years. I knew no one.  I've been here for 13 years.  I still (other than during covid, then not as much) put myself out there to meet people and I've never done that by going out drinking except years ago I went to a few cocktail parties organized by a women's networking organization.  

This past month or so I did the following: joined two meet ups where parents at my son's school walk in the local park after drop off on a Friday morning.  At the first I met a woman and we then got together for a one on one walk the following week.  Didn't really click though but I showed up.  I've been emailing with a few people I've met through the walks.  

I emailed back and forth with the parent who is the "class parent" for my son's class when I discovered she also is from my home city and I linked in with her.  It's the beginning of personal communication.  I also made sure to sign up to contribute to a class party- meaning I did that right away to show her I was reliable and would help.

I volunteered at the school library and offered to do so again yesterday.  Now I say hi to the school librarian when I see her.  

My son and I are going to volunteer at the local animal shelter.  I've spent time completing the training.

I communicated with a woman collecting books to donate to children.  We met up so I could give her books and had a lovely conversation. We're on the same FB group so that might lead to more communication. 

And in the past years I've done volunteer fundraising for our local public radio station, joined a group who called senior citizens in our community during the pandemic to make sure they were ok or see what they needed, I befriended a woman at work and for years we met for lunch every few months and formed a friendship (but now we mainly telework).  I joined a women's networking organization and went to several of their events and now plan on resuming if they have daytime events.

Have I made close friends here -yes and no - yes I'd say I have one in particular, I had two good friends who I met in my apartment building but one moved out of state and one to the burbs so contact has been limited. I made another when I first moved here and we were actually close for about 9 years and she pulled away -I'm not quite sure why and I miss her but we were close. I have a good friend who I met through an FB group some years ago and now we work together -we like each other very much and honestly with our crazy schedules we haven't made time to meet in too long.  But we click for sure.  

And I've had a ton of hit or miss - and it's frustrating.  A ton of flaky types over the years who say enthusiastically they want to meet but never actually show up.  It's like dating in some ways and it's hard not to get discouraged.  

Maybe some of what I do will resonate with you.  My husband was new here too and we moved for his job - I really haven't made any good friends through him -but he doesn't have a very active social life here as he is so busy and wants to be with his family.  But he does keep up with and see his friends from our home town -he travels back there more than me over the years. 

Good luck -it's hard sometimes I know!

[greendots]

2 hours ago, Daisy Brown said:

Ive reflected, and my sense of loneliness seems to stem from a lack of depth in my relations. I have lots of acquaintances, but I would say few or no friends. Maybe others are quicker to call an acquaintance a friend? Maybe I have way higher expectations? 

Making genuine long lasting friendships takes time. Quick questions, what type of people do you ideally like to be surrounded by and what is fun for you?

For example, hanging out with friends in the afternoon and then curling up in my bed at night with a good book sounds exciting to me. Others would snooze at this. May not be as adventurous as climbing Kilimanjaro. So what? I love reading.

Do what brings you joy and attend groups / clubs where you'll most likely find like-minded people (of similar age). Show up regularly to events as it takes time to get to know others. Quality over quantity. You want to be friends with people who treat you with respect and kindness, who are positive, and so on.

If you belong to a particular faith, for example Christianity, you may want to consider attending church. Also, how about signing up for, say, a language class and make new friends that way?  🙂

 

[Tinydance]

4 hours ago, Daisy Brown said:

Joining a class or a hobby is a great idea! I have actually done that. But it seems to not solve the problem.

Ive reflected, and my sense of loneliness seems to stem from a lack of depth in my relations. I have lots of acquaintances, but I would say few or no friends. Maybe others are quicker to call an acquaintance a friend? Maybe I have way higher expectations? 
 

In my eyes, in any inter human relationship, there should be trust and support. Or there is no point in having that friendship / relationship really. Then it’s merely superficial. Essentially you are still all alone, with a sense of illusion that lessens the staggering reality of that we are all alone, essentially.

Or am I overthinking it too much..?

Well the way I see it, someone doesn't just become your friend straight away without the in between of being an acquaintance first. I know sometimes people just click straight away and become instant friends, but that doesn't happen that often. Having acquaintances does gave the potential to turn them into friends but it might be a slower process and require more effort on your part.

Just wondering, when you meet people at these hobby groups or classes, do you try to reach out to them outside of the group? If you're looking for female friends then I don't think it's a problem to exchange numbers or social media with them and ask to catch up. It's not like it's a date or something, you're just being friendly.

If you live in a bigger city or town, hopefully there are some Meetup groups and things like that there. Often Meetup groups have a specific theme. You can search for what you want on Meetup. For example, I actually joined a Meetup group that was an alcohol free social group. I also joined a lot of other activity based and social groups. Even if sometimes they had events at a bar, they also had plenty of other events. If you're not interested in going to a bar and drinking then just go to others. Not everyone just wants to get drunk so I don't think you should have an issue with finding people who are not into that.

Unfortunately making friends takes patience. You won't always succeed but you need to persevere. For example, I'd contacted some women on a friendship site back in 2013 - 2014. One I met seemed catty and fake. Another one was OK and we had things in common but not much click. However back in 2011 I went to a Meetup group only once or twice and I actually met my best friend there! It wasn't really an instant close friendship but we went to some events together we both liked for a few months. As time went on, we were getting to know each other better and developed that closeness.

I think because it's you who wants to make friends, you might need to be the one to reach out to people and make plans. For example, if you meet women at these groups, ask them to go for a coffee, movie night or dinner at your place, a walk, anything really. If nothing comes of it, don't get discouraged and keep trying. Usually at Meetup there are people who are also new in town or people that don't have many friends. There are women's only Meetups too. There is also a friendship app called Patook that's strictly platonic. Or Bumble BFF which is the dating app Bumble but you switch to a friendship mode on the app.

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, Daisy Brown said:

That feeling goes away eventually ? Maybe you are right. Maybe it’s not about changing myself to fit society’s framework. Maybe it’s about changing my perception of there being something wrong with me, just because I don’t buy into the typical understanding of fun or subscribe to what the life of a typical twenty-something girl should be like, look like, feel like.

Yep! I think it’s a milestone of maturity to clear out an address book and shed habitual behaviors that don’t add value to your life. Sure, there’s a period of discomfort, but that’s less about anything being wrong and more about the lag in learning what is right for you.

 I agree with the suggestions to pursue what interests you with an eye on private accomplishments and ruling out anything that doesn’t resonate. Over time you’ll meet acquaintances with whom you’ll also resonate or at least enjoy a limited scope of commonality. Not converting them into intimate friends is not a fail, it’s just a demonstration of the rarity of great friends even while perfectly great people can offer generosity on a community or neighborly level.

Intimacy is supposed to be rare, or what would be so special about it?

Trust yourself enough to become your own best friend, and when the right people cross your path, you’ll recognize them, and they’ll appreciate your confidence.

[mylolita]

Morning Daisy!

 

I just wanted to add, in my kind of, self induced isolation, I still see people, but am very selective! 
 

This week I’m going out for a drink with a lovely woman who I met when I moved here last year - and at the weekend I’m hosting a kids Halloween party and most of the street are turning up, a lot are people I already know and see, go for coffee with. I’m having another friend or we’ll say ex work friend stay over next weekend! I still see people but it’s not the endless carousel it was before. 

 

Maybe you are in a similar situation where, you have maybe no problem striking friendships, gathering acquaintances, making plans if you wanted too but suddenly you are stepping back and saying hold up, I need more than this? 
 

It’s very easy to fill your life with superficial distractions, I mean, I feel like I have gained enough experience in that department to last a lifetime over! 
 

I think this kind of stuff depends on your personality! Authenticity is a very personal thing. Some people think not too hard or long about who becomes a friend or constant in their lives, just happily go with the flow and fill their dairies up every month because it makes them feel productive and happy and that is absolutely great! But I think other people, maybe I am sensing like yourself, need something more and suddenly find they look deeper into their friendships? I think moments like these overspill into other areas of your life. You might find yourself re-assessing work choices, living choices, family and romance. It feels like you are searching Daisy and that’s okay. You need these moments to set yourself on your correct course! 
 

They’re just hard, that’s all, but anything worth having hardly comes easy!

 

x

[Daisy Brown]

6 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well the way I see it, someone doesn't just become your friend straight away without the in between of being an acquaintance first. I know sometimes people just click straight away and become instant friends, but that doesn't happen that often. Having acquaintances does gave the potential to turn them into friends but it might be a slower process and require more effort on your part.

Just wondering, when you meet people at these hobby groups or classes, do you try to reach out to them outside of the group? If you're looking for female friends then I don't think it's a problem to exchange numbers or social media with them and ask to catch up. It's not like it's a date or something, you're just being friendly.

If you live in a bigger city or town, hopefully there are some Meetup groups and things like that there. Often Meetup groups have a specific theme. You can search for what you want on Meetup. For example, I actually joined a Meetup group that was an alcohol free social group. I also joined a lot of other activity based and social groups. Even if sometimes they had events at a bar, they also had plenty of other events. If you're not interested in going to a bar and drinking then just go to others. Not everyone just wants to get drunk so I don't think you should have an issue with finding people who are not into that.

Unfortunately making friends takes patience. You won't always succeed but you need to persevere. For example, I'd contacted some women on a friendship site back in 2013 - 2014. One I met seemed catty and fake. Another one was OK and we had things in common but not much click. However back in 2011 I went to a Meetup group only once or twice and I actually met my best friend there! It wasn't really an instant close friendship but we went to some events together we both liked for a few months. As time went on, we were getting to know each other better and developed that closeness.

I think because it's you who wants to make friends, you might need to be the one to reach out to people and make plans. For example, if you meet women at these groups, ask them to go for a coffee, movie night or dinner at your place, a walk, anything really. If nothing comes of it, don't get discouraged and keep trying. Usually at Meetup there are people who are also new in town or people that don't have many friends. There are women's only Meetups too. There is also a friendship app called Patook that's strictly platonic. Or Bumble BFF which is the dating app Bumble but you switch to a friendship mode on the app.

Thank you for your reply! I tried some different hobby groups. Some of my hobbies are very male dominated, I found  some friends there, but later found out the friends were not genuine because the guys were interested in me.

Then I met some women in my class. I’ve met up with one of them several times. We had plans this weekend, but her other friend wanted to do something so she rather went with her. I feel like this woman meets with me rather of convenience when she has nobody else to be with, and ditches me as soon as she has other options.

I created a study group with some of the other women, we met a few times. But no days when I ask to meet, I get no reply 

[Daisy Brown]

5 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Yep! I think it’s a milestone of maturity to clear out an address book and shed habitual behaviors that don’t add value to your life. Sure, there’s a period of discomfort, but that’s less about anything being wrong and more about the lag in learning what is right for you.

 I agree with the suggestions to pursue what interests you with an eye on private accomplishments and ruling out anything that doesn’t resonate. Over time you’ll meet acquaintances with whom you’ll also resonate or at least enjoy a limited scope of commonality. Not converting them into intimate friends is not a fail, it’s just a demonstration of the rarity of great friends even while perfectly great people can offer generosity on a community or neighborly level.

Intimacy is supposed to be rare, or what would be so special about it?

Trust yourself enough to become your own best friend, and when the right people cross your path, you’ll recognize them, and they’ll appreciate your confidence.

Very well put! Thank you

[Kwothe28]

I think I remember your last thread(or maybe it was different girl) of how you have aquitances but not friends. 

What did you do since then to cultivate your friendships? Have you organized a hang-out with a few friends at your home maybe? Maybe individual hang-outs with few of them?

Friendship like any relationship requires cultivation. And you need to be willing to put yourself out there rather then just waiting around to be invited somewhere. I am not the most extrovert person around. But I was always willing to put myself out there. So as a result I got invited to a lot of stuff. Didnt even say "No" to the most of them. So I met a lots of different people and some of them stayed in my life.

You seem to expect some kind of "instant friendships". While it happens(for example my now deceased best friend from college came to me on the first day in University and said "Hey man, do you like the movie "Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back"? Instant friend. 😁) with most of your friends, you build the relationship over time. You cant just expect to be invited to stuff.

[Daisy Brown]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

Morning Daisy!

 

I just wanted to add, in my kind of, self induced isolation, I still see people, but am very selective! 
 

This week I’m going out for a drink with a lovely woman who I met when I moved here last year - and at the weekend I’m hosting a kids Halloween party and most of the street are turning up, a lot are people I already know and see, go for coffee with. I’m having another friend or we’ll say ex work friend stay over next weekend! I still see people but it’s not the endless carousel it was before. 

 

Maybe you are in a similar situation where, you have maybe no problem striking friendships, gathering acquaintances, making plans if you wanted too but suddenly you are stepping back and saying hold up, I need more than this? 
 

It’s very easy to fill your life with superficial distractions, I mean, I feel like I have gained enough experience in that department to last a lifetime over! 
 

I think this kind of stuff depends on your personality! Authenticity is a very personal thing. Some people think not too hard or long about who becomes a friend or constant in their lives, just happily go with the flow and fill their dairies up every month because it makes them feel productive and happy and that is absolutely great! But I think other people, maybe I am sensing like yourself, need something more and suddenly find they look deeper into their friendships? I think moments like these overspill into other areas of your life. You might find yourself re-assessing work choices, living choices, family and romance. It feels like you are searching Daisy and that’s okay. You need these moments to set yourself on your correct course! 
 

They’re just hard, that’s all, but anything worth having hardly comes easy!

 

x

Yes you are right! I do meet people regularly. And have nice conversations. But it’s all so superficial. For a while it was enough. But now I miss to have someone to call a close friend.

[Daisy Brown]

3 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I think I remember your last thread(or maybe it was different girl) of how you have aquitances but not friends. 

What did you do since then to cultivate your friendships? Have you organized a hang-out with a few friends at your home maybe? Maybe individual hang-outs with few of them?

Friendship like any relationship requires cultivation. And you need to be willing to put yourself out there rather then just waiting around to be invited somewhere. I am not the most extrovert person around. But I was always willing to put myself out there. So as a result I got invited to a lot of stuff. Didnt even say "No" to the most of them. So I met a lots of different people and some of them stayed in my life.

You seem to expect some kind of "instant friendships". While it happens(for example my now deceased best friend from college came to me on the first day in University and said "Hey man, do you like the movie "Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back"? Instant friend. 😁) with most of your friends, you build the relationship over time. You cant just expect to be invited to stuff.

Yes you are right, it takes time! Thanks for your answer.

I organized a study group! It went well the first few times and the girls in the group seemed to enjoy to meet up, chat and study. But lately when I ask to meet, there is no answer from anyone…

I guess most of them already have friends, as this a big city and they grew up here, contrary to me who came here a while ago from the country side. Maybe they are not looking to expand their friend circle?

Also the culture here seems to be very anti-social, except the excessive drinking pressure 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Daisy Brown said:

Also the culture here seems to be very anti-social, except the excessive drinking pressure 

What is the excessive drinking pressure? Do you mean people say to you if you won't meet to go out drinking they're not interested or are you talking about your perception of what you see on social media?

In the interests I mentioned you wouldn't be likely to see that.  In my long ago book club some of the women enjoyed a glass of wine but "excessive drinking pressure" -no - I did feel pressure to read the book LOL. 

Please don't justify not getting out there by generalizing from social media photos and posts.  I have a number of friends who seem to be "excessive pressure" to be out there with their kids doing all sorts of fancy activities and having themes for kids birthday parties and hiring the best house renovator, etc etc.  And then there are those who do that but in our private messages there is talk of tension, stress, infidelity, anger issues, etc.  

I have another friend in her 50s who is constantly posting photos surrounded by huge groups of friends and acquaintances from our home city and all over the world -she has teenage children and now travels all over and gets involved in her love of 80s music and dance parties and her posts are filled with photos and accolades from others as to how cool she is, how awesome she looks.  Like someone wrote above I'd rather read my book and sip my coffee and be able to rise at 5am to make sure I get one of the treadmills at the fitness center downstairs and pound my heart out before facing my day.

And guess what -that friend - her amazing mother who I knew when I was a child died suddenly during a hospital procedure almost 10 years ago -my friend was devastated.  Her mother was only 70-ish.  It was awful. 

So my sense is my friend to try to live with her grief started traveling and branching out to live a full life as SHE saw it.  Yes, as she saw it -maybe someone else would have lived a full life differently -like by drinking and posting party photos.  I feel for my friend and if she is finding joy in traveling and bragging about her popularity on Facebook I'll cut her slack because I feel so lucky to have my awesome 87 year old mom alive and doing great.  

I am not saying all those social media gals have bad lives in reality or struggles. Maybe some are just fortunate to be party people with awesome lives not a care in the world.  Maybe there are groups of people who disdain anyone who doesn't go out drinking like they do or thinks they are lame and wastes of space. 

Who cares-that's not "excessive pressure" -that's not pressure.  That's you manufacturing "pressure" because it's easier than being authentic with yourself (maybe reading a book nourishes your soul and a square of dark chocolate while reading makes it heavenly) or looking for your people and cultivating friendships. Please don't indulge in those pressure excuses, ok?