Am I wrong?

[Confusedandupset]

So here’s the story, my boyfriend of one year turned out o have a problem with alcohol.  I have helped and supported him to get him off the alcohol. While he was in his drinking phases (he would stop and start) he would become quite nasty to me and his best friend who is also his boss blamed me for everything. He was very horrible to me and called me names and shouted at me in front of my boyfriend also. My boyfriend is now back on the wagon and doing really well but he is still very close to his friend and does everything for him at the drop of a hat and I’ve brought this up with him that it upsets me that he is still friends with him after how he treated me. He now lies about going there and when I’ve caught him out he turns it back on me and says I’m obsessed etc with his friend and I need to leave it be but I can’t because I feel so betrayed that he would a still do so much for someone who treated the person they love like absolute crap. Am I being unreasonable? 

[Kwothe28]

21 minutes ago, Confusedandupset said:

He now lies about going there and when I’ve caught him out he turns it back on me and says I’m obsessed etc with his friend and I need to leave it be

Classic gaslighting and manipulation. He lies, when he gets caught turns it on you making you doubt your own sanity.

I am sorry, but I wouldnt believe anything that comes from your boyfriend mouth. Even that he battles against alcoholism part. Addicts are very good at hiding things. So, assume that he probably goes there to drink. 

Him taking his best friend and Boss side is the least of your problems here. He lies and gaslights you from whatever reason. That is your cue to move away from him. Not to question your own sanity if you are right or wrong. Yes, you are not unreasonable there. And you should move away before he inevitably starts being abusive again toward you. He is not some "I can fix him" project for girls. He was an abusive alcoholic and he probably still is. Please get away from there before its too late and it starts to take a toll on you. 

[HeartGoesOn]

If he had any respect for you, he'd have your back and would have stepped in to defend you.  In any event, he's clearly demonstrated what he's all about.  What more do you need to know?

You're punishing yourself by allowing him to treat you in this way. It's time to walk away, and start working on your self-esteem, and leave this parasite in the dust.

 

 

[Confusedandupset]

15 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Classic gaslighting and manipulation. He lies, when he gets caught turns it on you making you doubt your own sanity.

I am sorry, but I wouldnt believe anything that comes from your boyfriend mouth. Even that he battles against alcoholism part. Addicts are very good at hiding things. So, assume that he probably goes there to drink. 

Him taking his best friend and Boss side is the least of your problems here. He lies and gaslights you from whatever reason. That is your cue to move away from him. Not to question your own sanity if you are right or wrong. Yes, you are not unreasonable there. And you should move away before he inevitably starts being abusive again toward you. He is not some "I can fix him" project for girls. He was an abusive alcoholic and he probably still is. Please get away from there before its too late and it starts to take a toll on you. 

I thought this and said to him I feel like you’re gaslighting me. I was told again I’m worrying about people that don’t matter in our relationship. But he can’t understand that it does matter to me, I felt like I was going mad so came on here for help as I thought maybe I am being unreasonable and should accept that it’s his friend and boss and that’s it. But I just can’t accept that he seems to just be up his backside without any regard for my feelings at all 

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Confusedandupset said:

But I just can’t accept that he seems to just be up his backside without any regard for my feelings at all 

And that's how you know that it's time to break up. 

[catfeeder]

You’re missing the point. The guy lies. What more do you need to know?

[Confusedandupset]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

You’re missing the point. The guy lies. What more do you need to know?

I know, but he says he only lied about where he was going because he knows I don’t like this guy and that I’m “unreal” it really made me question myself 

[DarkCh0c0]

27 minutes ago, Confusedandupset said:

I know, but he says he only lied about where he was going because he knows I don’t like this guy and that I’m “unreal” it really made me question myself 

So? It's still lying and who knows what else he's lying about. Like @Kwothe28mentioned, he might be drinking with said friend.

Listen, when you found he had alcohol issues, you should have left. You're no therapist and no mom. Your job as a partner is to assess whether this person is in good shape AS HE IS to be a good partner to you. This guy showed you he isn't. Instead of accepting it and walking away, you chose to put up with it by thinking if you love him enough he'll change or if he loves you enough, he'll quit for you.

It's not his it works.

And you should never accept lies from a partner like this. Of course you feel betrayed. Your feelings are valid. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I suggest you grab your self-respect and walk away. He doesn't sound like a catch anyway. Set your bar higher for next time.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Confusedandupset said:

,my boyfriend of one year turned out o have a problem with alcohol.  I have helped and supported him to get him off the alcohol. 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you need to end it asap.

It's not your job to fix or change anyone or be in the role of therapist or enabler. If he wants rehab or AA he'll do it himself for himself, not for you.

When you step away you'll both follow your own paths and be better off.

It's only a year and there's simply way too many issues. Cut your losses.

[Confusedandupset]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you need to end it asap.

It's not your job to fix or change anyone or be in the role of therapist or enabler. If he wants rehab or AA he'll do it himself for himself, not for you.

When you step away you'll both follow your own paths and be better off.

It's only a year and there's simply way too many issues. Cut your losses.

He is in rehab, he’s on tablets to stop him drinking and has been sober for 5/6 weeks now so I know he’s not drinking. But you make sense, there has been a lot of issues but because he’s usually so nice without the issues I’ve kind of overlooked them. When things are good they’re really good but then when/if I bring this friend up, the aggro starts and I’m made to feel like crap.  I was questioning myself so much asking myself was I being unreasonable and I guess I needed reassurance from other people out of the situation. Thank you for your reply 

[Confusedandupset]

1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

So? It's still lying and who knows what else he's lying about. Like @Kwothe28mentioned, he might be drinking with said friend.

Listen, when you found he had alcohol issues, you should have left. You're no therapist and no mom. Your job as a partner is to assess whether this person is in good shape AS HE IS to be a good partner to you. This guy showed you he isn't. Instead of accepting it and walking away, you chose to put up with it by thinking if you love him enough he'll change or if he loves you enough, he'll quit for you.

It's not his it works.

And you should never accept lies from a partner like this. Of course you feel betrayed. Your feelings are valid. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I suggest you grab your self-respect and walk away. He doesn't sound like a catch anyway. Set your bar higher for next time.

Thank you for your reply. It makes a lot of sense.  I’m so hurt and upset that I’m feeling like this 

[MissCanuck]

14 minutes ago, Confusedandupset said:

there has been a lot of issues but because he’s usually so nice without the issues

But the issues are part of him. You can't separate him from those issues. 

It sounds like he's got a boatload of problems and you have gotten yourself in over your head with him.  I would personally not subject myself to this sort of dysfunction and misery. 

[DarkCh0c0]

56 minutes ago, Confusedandupset said:

Thank you for your reply. It makes a lot of sense.  I’m so hurt and upset that I’m feeling like this 

Oh, correcting my typo in my previous answer: It's not how* it works.

Of course you feel hurt. A healthy loving partner would be naturally honest with you and not put you through such terrible behaviour. But, your partner does it cause he wants to. He knows it hurts you. 

1 hour ago, Confusedandupset said:

When things are good they’re really good but then when/if I bring this friend up, the aggro starts and I’m made to feel like crap

Yup, that's the typical toxic push-pull situation. And with most people, when things are well they're well. It's when you go through bumps/disagreements, that you get to see the true character of a partner. In his case, he's made you feel so bad and betrayed you. He's shown you he doesn't care about you nor your feelings. And you, through your actions previously, you've shown him that you are willing to put up with his terrible acts and that you'll put your self-respect and worth on the back burner for him.

But it doesn't have to be like this. You can break this cycle and leave him to his issues. He's proven to you that he's not a good a partner to you.

As an advice, if you break up with him, don't go in details. Be short and don't allow for discussion with him so that he can't manipulate you or gaslight you further. Trust in your heart that you are worthy and deserve a stable, consistent and loving relationship with someone more suitable 💚

[Confusedandupset]

44 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Oh, correcting my typo in my previous answer: It's not how* it works.

Of course you feel hurt. A healthy loving partner would be naturally honest with you and not put you through such terrible behaviour. But, your partner does it cause he wants to. He knows it hurts you. 

Yup, that's the typical toxic push-pull situation. And with most people, when things are well they're well. It's when you go through bumps/disagreements, that you get to see the true character of a partner. In his case, he's made you feel so bad and betrayed you. He's shown you he doesn't care about you nor your feelings. And you, through your actions previously, you've shown him that you are willing to put up with his terrible acts and that you'll put your self-respect and worth on the back burner for him.

But it doesn't have to be like this. You can break this cycle and leave him to his issues. He's proven to you that he's not a good a partner to you.

As an advice, if you break up with him, don't go in details. Be short and don't allow for discussion with him so that he can't manipulate you or gaslight you further. Trust in your heart that you are worthy and deserve a stable, consistent and loving relationship with someone more suitable 💚

Thank you so much.  Everything you’ve said is so right. I’ve let him gaslight me so many times before in the belief it will get better and he means what he says, but then something comes along and as you say it’s a cycle! 

[catfeeder]

8 hours ago, Confusedandupset said:

I know, but he says he only lied about where he was going because he knows I don’t like this guy and that I’m “unreal” it really made me question myself 

A liar lies. That’s not limited to what you catch the liar lying about.

 I wouldn’t believe a word he says, and I wouldn’t stick around long enough to hear what that is.

[moodindigo91]

I mean there's not much I can really add that everyone hasn't already said but this guy is an alcoholic. Huge red flag. He has sh*tty friends who insult you. Red flag. He lies to you about where he's going even though you know he's lying and he knows you know. RED FLAG. 

How many more red flags do you need? You've only been in this relationship for a year I would leave before it goes any further. Unless you want to deal with his alcoholism and abusiveness for years to come. 

[smackie9]

The alcoholism was a problem, but what is his excuse for lying and disrespecting you? He's not a good guy even when he's sober.

[SooSad33]

Yeah, when it comes to problems with alcy's, it's sadly, no good news 😕 .

My first ex is an alcy - yup, it failed.  I always remember the saying ' they are married to the bottle'.

Is best to just end this, for your own sanity.  😉 

 

[Cherylyn]

I agree with @Kwothe28

My late father was an alcoholic.  You can't fix alcoholics.  They're masters at gaslighting and you'll never win.  It's no wonder my mother never remarried.  She had enough. 

Alcoholics are a tricky lot.  They're sneaky, will deceive and betray you.  They don't have impulse control, there is no moral compass whatsoever and they have lowered inhibitions.  Alcoholic's brain had been chemically altered even when they're not drinking.  They do not think nor act clearly, reasonably and logically.  You'll lose every time.  You're toast.  I'm sorry. 

Sure, when times are good, all is well TEMPORARILY, that is.  Same old pattern. 

It's better to be with a new boyfriend who is healthy, moral and normal.  You'll have less problems going this route.  Any other way is an endless headache for you. 

[Confusedandupset]

11 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I agree with @Kwothe28

My late father was an alcoholic.  You can't fix alcoholics.  They're masters at gaslighting and you'll never win.  It's no wonder my mother never remarried.  She had enough. 

Alcoholics are a tricky lot.  They're sneaky, will deceive and betray you.  They don't have impulse control, there is no moral compass whatsoever and they have lowered inhibitions.  Alcoholic's brain had been chemically altered even when they're not drinking.  They do not think nor act clearly, reasonably and logically.  You'll lose every time.  You're toast.  I'm sorry. 

Sure, when times are good, all is well TEMPORARILY, that is.  Same old pattern. 

It's better to be with a new boyfriend who is healthy, moral and normal.  You'll have less problems going this route.  Any other way is an endless headache for you. 

You’re right, I think he is now drinking again as the same things are happening again since I ended it, random text messages, marking himself single on Facebook and now joined tinder again after a few days. Totally same cycle as previous times. I’m done now, time to accept things will never change at all. Thank you 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Confusedandupset said:

 same things are happening again since I ended it, random text messages.

You need to delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

That way he can put his AA sponsor in speed dial and stop contacting you.Stop monitoring his social media.

Take this time to reflect what your role is in all this. Look into Al-Anon, it's for people who need help letting go of alcoholics.

[Confusedandupset]

37 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

That way he can put his AA sponsor in speed dial and stop contacting you.Stop monitoring his social media.

Take this time to reflect what your role is in all this. Look into Al-Anon, it's for people who need help letting go of alcoholics.

I have messaged his key worker today anonymously so it’s in their hands now and I’ve blocked him from everything.  You’ve all been great with the advice and I am taking it 👍

[jul-els]

He’s not worth your time. You helped him through a difficult time that most people wouldn’t have and he’s now showing you that you shouldn’t have either. He doesn’t respect you, but if you respect yourself you won’t tolerate it. You will leave him and not look back. 
 

Edit: I see you’ve decided to cut him out of your life. Excellent choice. Keep going.