Why do I feel this way? I don’t know what to do.

[anon2021]

I’ve been single for 15 months now, I was in a 5 year relationship with my first and only love. It was a tough break up, I truly loved him and to this day I feel like I will never love someone like that again. 

 

About 5-6 weeks ago, I started dating someone new. From the start I was excited and infatuated, I was really into him and I thought to myself “wow, maybe I will be able to love someone so deeply again”. As times gone on, I don’t know why but a part of me just feels like something’s not right or is missing. I feel confused, I was so into him at the start and he has so many great qualities; he’s so kind, caring, loving and thoughtful. How could I not want that? I’d be stupid not to. He makes it clear how much he likes me and I’ve never been left feeling confused or unwanted, which is what I want but for some reason I now feel smothered and like I’m pulling away. I find myself comparing it to the relationship with my ex, we got along amazingly but I never felt appreciated or prioritised like this new guy I’m seeing makes me feel. A part of me thinks, does this just not feel right to me because it’s stable and I’m not used to being treated this way? 

 

Point is, he’s great and I can’t fault how he treats me but why do I feel this way? A part of me feels like running a mile all of a sudden but I don’t know why my feelings have changed so drastically, I feel like I should want this as much as he does and I feel guilty. 

[DarkCh0c0]

27 minutes ago, anon2021 said:

It was a tough break up, I truly loved him and to this day I feel like I will never love someone like that again. 

And

27 minutes ago, anon2021 said:

find myself comparing it to the relationship with my ex,

Show you're not fully over your ex. You still have baggage. You've been with him for 5 years, and it seems you still have feelings for him and you are unable to fully open up to someone else. At first it was fun, but now that it's getting serious you're realising that your past relationship still has some baggage to work through.

28 minutes ago, anon2021 said:

A part of me thinks, does this just not feel right to me because it’s stable and I’m not used to being treated this way? 

Sounds like it's also foreign for you to be in a stable relationship. May I ask why you broke up?

Generally, different people take different time to heal from a long term relationship. It's possible you're just not fully ready yet.

[Kwothe28]

I am confussed. How can you be single for 15 months and just started dating 5 weeks ago, when you dated someone in May?

Is it the same guy you are dating now? Different one? Also, it was 3 year old relationship last time lol

Anyway, if you are not a troll: You were in a "toxic" relationship with narcissistic ex. Ofcourse anything that even resembles healthy relationship would seem foreign and something that doesnt fit to you. As you didnt heal properly and not ready to accept something healthy into your life.

[anon2021]

@Kwothe28I have been single for 15 months, I wouldn’t class dating as being in a relationship unless it’s been defined as both people as exclusive. It’s a new guy. Also, in response to “it was 3 years last time lol”; the guy I was with for 3 years in a previous post is the same guy as the 5 years; we had a break between that, we were together for a total of 5 years all together. So no, I’m not a troll. But to the last bit of your post, I agree that would make sense. 

[Batya33]

Because he's right on paper and Mr. Right For Now and you're not that into him -it happens and more likely to happen if you're still into your ex because you're more likely to compare, etc.  Don't try to force or convince - and beginnings -well beginnings it's so easy to be into someone -no commitment, not even potential commitment or far off - no responsibilities just infatuation and/or loving feelings that don't translate into loving as giving - at least not the types of giving in a serious relationship.  

This is sort of like if you order the perfect looking cake for dessert and objectively you're supposed to like it -you'd be crazy not to -it has all your favorite ingredients, etc and something just doesn't seem right -I mean it's good, it's tasty but not exactly right.

Also you might like the thrill of the chase more so this person might be too passive (what some call "too nice") and you might sense he's too much of a people pleaser/potential doormat which is a turn off.  

I'd let this one go. I'm sorry you're disappointed.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, anon2021 said:

@Kwothe28I have been single for 15 months, I wouldn’t class dating as being in a relationship unless it’s been defined as both people as exclusive. It’s a new guy. Also, in response to “it was 3 years last time lol”; the guy I was with for 3 years in a previous post is the same guy as the 5 years; we had a break between that, we were together for a total of 5 years all together. So no, I’m not a troll. But to the last bit of your post, I agree that would make sense. 

Oh, I see. Sorry about that, it was just that your timetable was all over the place.

[Lambert]

 If you don't really like him and the shine on the relationship has worn off so early, maybe you just aren't that into him. 

On the other hand, maybe you need to do some work on yourself to accept a happy healthy relationship. 

Sounds like your last relationship your first and obviously one you'll never forget, was also not as great as your hindsight is telling you. You didn't feel appreciated, you took a break 3 years in, etc.

Some people do sabotage themselves for any number of reasons which all kinda boil down to not loving yourself enough. 

I once had a guy dump me because everything was too easy and he just didn't think that was right.  lol. ok.  As crazy as that sounds, what he really meant was - the relationship was not what he wanted

So maybe this isn't the relationship you want. 

Just don't be a ping pong ball. if you end it, respect the guy enough to not jerk him around. You said he is kind, loving, likes you and treats you right.  Don't ruin that for the next woman. 

Let him go be the great catch he is for someone that wants it. 

You go figure out your own personal business and date around. Recognize that first loves are special. We never forget them, but we do move forward and find better. because we grow from these things, we change, we learn about ourselves and make better choices. Hopefully anyway. 

good luck! 

[smackie9]

Maybe your expectations are a little too strong and that's why you threw yourself into this too hard. Just slow your roll/take your time getting to know him. 

[SooSad33]

10 hours ago, anon2021 said:

As times gone on, I don’t know why but a part of me just feels like something’s not right or is missing. I feel confused, I was so into him at the start and he has so many great qualities; he’s so kind, caring, loving and thoughtful. How could I not want that? I’d be stupid not to. He makes it clear how much he likes me and I’ve never been left feeling confused or unwanted, which is what I want but for some reason I now feel smothered and like I’m pulling away. I find myself comparing it to the relationship with my ex,

I say you're just not ready...yet 😕 .

Sounds like you are still grieving?  Comparing this to your ex and pulling away.

 

7 hours ago, Lambert said:

You go figure out your own personal business and date around. Recognize that first loves are special. We never forget them, but we do move forward and find better. because we grow from these things, we change, we learn about ourselves and make better choices.

- And this!

He may just not be the one for you, despite being kind and all.

 

So, a few things to take into consideration.  Not the time & not the guy.

Spend a little more time focused on yourself?  Do you have a good support system?  Have you looked into a 'local singles group'?  I found one on FB and came to find a few nice people & we'd go out for coffee, to movies, walk around the lake, etc.

Give yourself more time, maybe.  Because if you're just not 'feeling it' right now & comparing to your ex, it doesn't sound like you're ready for this.

 

[catfeeder]

Sounds as though your 5 years had you in relationship mode that you haven’t yet learned to turn off. So your earliest projections onto a new guy who turns you on have you viewing him through that lens prematurely. Then you started learning all the ways he doesn’t fit that mold.

This doesn’t mean anything is wrong with ruling him out, it’s just so much easier to do that with dates when you haven’t put them on a pedestal first.

Dating is about learning, first, possible relationship second—but usually not. Learning also means screening. We can do that a lot better when we stay out of our own way and get to know a person long before we start viewing them as our next big relationship.

As you grow more comfortable solo, you’ll naturally become less likely to confuse yourself with expectations. This is not negative or jaded, it’s the space between the notes that allows you to see what needs to be seen rather than getting ahead of yourself.

Keep dating with an eye on learning about a stranger rather than recruiting your next love. When love grows organically from that over t.I.m.e. you’ll trust it as far more reliable than inventing it.