Possibly right person, wrong time

[Capttrae]

So was introduced to this female type 4-5 years ago. We talked a while, both ended up dating someone else, me back and forth with my ex, her, with a guy she ended up dating the whole time. Stayed in touch here and there, just a quick hi how are things going every 6-8 months. Anyway those relationships ended and we started talking pretty regular. Finally made our first date happen last time I was off and can’t help but think it the situation of right girl wrong time. We have a lot in common, right down to the hobbies, she like to deer and turkey hunt, fish and go frog gigging, and not just to go but knows how to clean them and makes her own jerky, hamburger and sausage. 
  Only reason I’m saying wrong time, I just finished up testing for my 500grt capts license, and have about a years worth of classes for my 3000/10000gt endorsement and Oicnw endorsement and she’s working on her phd in physcology along with us both working full time. Me pulling my usual 28 day hitches, when I come back in December I’m pulling 56 days so I can be off for 3 weeks to take 2 classes down in Lauderdale. Also she’s taking care of her mom while working and taking care of her kids and her classes. 

[Capttrae]

Also we live 8 hours apart when I’m not at work 

[Batya33]

8 hour plane ride or car ride ? Husband and I were similarly busy - if not more - and mostly long distance - when we got back together.  But we made time and made it work. Because we had serious goals and intentions and were just so crazy about each other. It was worth the sacrifices. It can be done. If both of you want it. 
 

[smackie9]

Your busy schedules are not forever and can be adjusted over time. Are you interested in where she lives? Maybe relocate when you are done with all your training. If she is able to do all those activities where she is she must be living in paradise.

[Cherylyn]

She has a lot on her plate with her future demanding career, taking care of her mother and being a mother of children herself.  There are only so many hours in a day not just now but the future.  Therefore, be prepared to either be squeezed in her limited schedule for you or you will be rescheduled due to canceled plans because her children, her mother and her family will always take top priority over you.  Yes, she could be the right person at the wrong time but she could also be the wrong person at the wrong time if you scrutinize her life's circumstances.  She's not childless.  She is also taking care of her mother.  She is not an average office worker.  Remain realistic.  If you don't mind acquiescing frequently now and in the future,  go for it.  If you think twice,  be prepared because there won't be a lot of time and energy for each other in a relationship.  You will always be SHARED with other people in her life who are dependent upon her.  Know what you're getting yourself into and be OK with it or reconsider.  It's not another day in paradise.  🥺

[Capttrae]

7 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Your busy schedules are not forever and can be adjusted over time. Are you interested in where she lives? Maybe relocate when you are done with all your training. If she is able to do all those activities where she is she must be living in paradise.

That’s the thing, I can’t relocate, just like her mom is getting in bad health, my dads health is going down as well. Another 6-7 years out here in the oil patch and I’ll have to come home to take care of him, that’s not something I mind by no stretch of the imagination. That’s an eventuality I’m prepared for. 
  She does live in paradise, I used to call it the Promised Land when I lived up there. Some of the finest deer, duck, and turkey huntin this side of the Mississippi Flyway is around there. As far as sharing her time and getting squeezed in, I get it, I’ve raised my kiddo and took care of my mom when she had the cancer. 
  

[Alex39]

I used to think that all the time when I met guys and the timing was bad and it didn't work out- right person,wrong time. But as I've gotten older, I see things differently.  Wrong time is always wrong person. If it was the right person,it'd be the right time and it'd work out. Don't swear it. It isn't the right person because the timing isn't right. 

[Wiseman2]

On 10/8/2022 at 7:13 PM, Capttrae said:

, she like to deer and turkey hunt, fish and go frog gigging, and not just to go but knows how to clean them and makes her own jerky, hamburger and sausage. 

Sounds like a match made in heaven. Take your time and enjoy what it is for now.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I used to think that all the time when I met guys and the timing was bad and it didn't work out- right person,wrong time. But as I've gotten older, I see things differently.  Wrong time is always wrong person. If it was the right person,it'd be the right time and it'd work out. Don't swear it. It isn't the right person because the timing isn't right. 

I think it depends on whether it's bad timing based on logistics or emotional/personal growth.  For me it was the wrong time from an emotional and personal growth perspective - on both sides. I had to become the right person to find the right person.

He made changes and grew in self-confidence in the 7-8 years we were apart in our 30s like pursuing his real dream career and also actually being in two serious relationships (he had one longis term relationship before me but it wasn't that deep emotionally). I also changed my outlook, mindset, perspective and felt and looked more attractive (yes it mattered to me).   

But timing based on too busy/career/education/geography - with rare exception I agree (except for teenagers who can't control where they live often etc - or just do not have the $ to get engaged/marry at that point).  Sometimes it's just obvious - if someone has to relocate across the globe for a family emergency someone he just met likely won't go with him and that is an issue of bad timing. 

 I think for the OP he may not be ready to meet the right person and is focusing on all the logistical challenges a bit too much.  It's not an exact science!  

[Kwothe28]

I dont think there is a wrong time. Its just the matter if both of you are willing to make it work or not. If you are both willing, you will find at least some time to be together until you can think of some more permanent solution. If you are not, you will always take excuses. Both of you in the form of some kind of "bussiness". Lots of people are busy. Lots of them have kids. Lots of them are even far from each other. But they still somehow manage to work out.

Its different if you are not willing or just cant see "closing the distance" in some future. Then I would suggest that just leave it alone. Long distance is a hell. There is no point if you are just not meaning seriosly and are willing to do some serious changes. For example: Are you willing to relocate or even possibly relocate your father with you or put him into some kind of care if necessery? Would she maybe relocate to you? Its all questions worth examining before you start something more serious.

[Lambert]

7 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I used to think that all the time when I met guys and the timing was bad and it didn't work out- right person,wrong time. But as I've gotten older, I see things differently.  Wrong time is always wrong person. If it was the right person,it'd be the right time and it'd work out. Don't swear it. It isn't the right person because the timing isn't right. 

I totally agree with this. 

We make excuses to hold on to things and people that don't work for us.  All it does is hold us back from what is meant to be. 

You've given this a few rounds and it doesn't work. let go, move on. take care of today. the future will take care of itself.

[Cherylyn]

17 hours ago, Capttrae said:

That’s the thing, I can’t relocate, just like her mom is getting in bad health, my dads health is going down as well. Another 6-7 years out here in the oil patch and I’ll have to come home to take care of him, that’s not something I mind by no stretch of the imagination. That’s an eventuality I’m prepared for. 
  She does live in paradise, I used to call it the Promised Land when I lived up there. Some of the finest deer, duck, and turkey huntin this side of the Mississippi Flyway is around there. As far as sharing her time and getting squeezed in, I get it, I’ve raised my kiddo and took care of my mom when she had the cancer. 
  

You can't relocate but can she with her children, mother, education and career in tow?  Would it be possible for her to uproot for you?  Then you have your parents to consider, caring for them and your responsibilities. 

Living in paradise is more than her geography.  Paradise encompasses one's whole life and its circumstances.  She has a lot on her plate meaning education,  demanding career,  she's a mother of children and she takes care of her mother.  Where do you see yourself squeezed in her frenetically paced life? 

Yes, you know, you've raised your child but remember she has children, more than one child.  There's a huge difference between an only child and taking care of several children.  Stress and very hectic busyness are multiplied exponentially.  I'm sorry about your mom and taking care of her while she battled cancer which I hope she won. 

Go in by being very realistic.  She's not carefree.  She comes with baggage and lots of strings attached which is extremely stressful and her time is very limited.  You'll have to share her with her children, mother and not a 9 to 5 career.  As long as you're realistic, then go for it.

[Capttrae]

1 minute ago, Cherylyn said:

You can't relocate but can she with her children, mother, education and career in tow?  Would it be possible for her to uproot for you?  Then you have your parents to consider, caring for them and your responsibilities. 

Living in paradise is more than her geography.  Paradise encompasses one's whole life and its circumstances.  She has a lot on her plate meaning education,  demanding career,  she's a mother of children and she takes care of her mother.  Where do you see yourself squeezed in her frenetically paced life? 

Yes, you know, you've raised your child but remember she has children, more than one child.  There's a huge difference between an only child and taking care of several children.  Stress and very hectic busyness are multiplied exponentially.  I'm sorry about your mom and taking care of her while she battled cancer which I hope she won. 

Go in by being very realistic.  She's not carefree.  She comes with baggage and lots of strings attached which is extremely stressful and her time is very limited.  You'll have to share her with her children, mother and not a 9 to 5 career.  As long as you're realistic, then go for it.

No, I never said anything about her relocating either. That’s why I said possibly right person, wrong time from the get go.

[Capttrae]

Just to answer a few questions 1) yes we have met in person, 2) I can’t ask her to relocate her whole crew anymore than she can ask me to relocate my whole crew. 3) no I will not put my dad in a nursing home, pulling him off our little 300 acer farm and sticking him in a nursing home would be beyond cruel and that’s not how I was raised. 
  My best solution to the problem and yes I’ve done long distance before, kind of a pre requisite considering I work offshore for 28 days at a lick and home for 12. Is to do a long distance thing until everything works it self out in the end. Plane tickets are cheap, and FaceTime dates will just have to work and enjoy our time together when we have it

[Cherylyn]

8 minutes ago, Capttrae said:

No, I never said anything about her relocating either. That’s why I said possibly right person, wrong time from the get go.

Agreed.  Timing is not good.  About being the right person,  consider her life.  As long as you wouldn't mind taking lower priority in her life,  go for it.  It's her demanding career, her children, her mother and then if there's any time and energy left, you're last.  I'm sorry.  Just being realistic here.

[Cherylyn]

1 minute ago, Capttrae said:

Just to answer a few questions 1) yes we have met in person, 2) I can’t ask her to relocate her whole crew anymore than she can ask me to relocate my whole crew. 3) no I will not put my dad in a nursing home, pulling him off our little 300 acer farm and sticking him in a nursing home would be beyond cruel and that’s not how I was raised. 
  My best solution to the problem and yes I’ve done long distance before, kind of a pre requisite considering I work offshore for 28 days at a lick and home for 12. Is to do a long distance thing until everything works it self out in the end. Plane tickets are cheap, and FaceTime dates will just have to work and enjoy our time together when we have it

You're a good son. 

Do what you have to do.  Hope it lasts despite LDR. 

[Capttrae]

Figured out she’s seein somebody else. Knew it was the right person but wrong time. Such is life for somebody working the oilfield. Meet somebody and go to work, 99% of the time they meet someone else while your at work. At least it happened quick. Screw it, it’s huntin season. I’m married to the oilfield anyhow, crew coordinator calls me to come back to work early I drop everything and go, these boats are my life, and it’s all I know, can’t blame a woman for not wanting that, but dang what a woman she was. Wish I’d have met her 4-5 years ago when we were first introduced. Maybe things would’ve been different, but I doubt it, I think a lot of times this is the best I get, boats, home, go huntin, come back to work and repeat. It’s what I deserve. I should’ve known things in my life were going way too good to last. Always has to be something that don’t go right. I think what stung the most was well a couple things, just a couple days ago we were talkin about goin huntin if I got it done up in Saskatchewan early I was going to come home early, hop in my truck haul rear to Kentucky, and we were going to hunt opening weekend of rifle season together. She hasn’t killed a buck deer in a few years and I know where we could sit and it’s dang near a given a good buck deer is going to step out. I was going to pack an extra rifle in my truck she could shoot because her rifle isn’t sighted in, extra huntin clothes and a heater body suit so she could stay warm and two turkey chairs so we could sit up on that hill and watch that holler where I’ve killed so many deer. The other thing that stings a little is the song she used with the post “He’s one of the good ones” y’all just have no idea how badly I’d like to hear a female type say that about me. I’m not terrible, yea I’m gone a lot but these boats are all I know, I’ve been on one type of boat or another since I graduated highschool at 19, I’m 44 now be 45 come Febuary, that 26 years on boats. I’m financially stable, don’t go out galavatin around the beer joints and *** tonks no more chasin skirts, yea I’m a little short, a little over weight, kinda rough around the edges, but I treat the ladies right, good with kids and reliable. No I’m not a people person, I just like to go to work, pull my 28-30 days and go home. 

[Batya33]

I'm sorry it didn't work out and I'm glad you found out sooner rather than later.

[Capttrae]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry it didn't work out and I'm glad you found out sooner rather than later.

Yep is what it is I reckon

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, Capttrae said:

The other thing that stings a little is the song she used with the post “He’s one of the good ones” y’all just have no idea how badly I’d like to hear a female type say that about me.

Its ultimately not that special when it comes from the wrong person. I mean, she is talking that he is "one of the good ones" and simultaneously talking to you to take her hunting and possibly something else. So, she is not the right person to get that compliment as she herself is not "one of the good ones".

And that is OK. You discovered that along the way and now you can move on. I always look at the silver lining. You could have lost months or years there. But now that you know, you can continue quickly and find somebody who is the right match for you.

[spinstermanquee]

Early in my relationship with husband (before marriage),  he was doing boat deliveries as part of a crew.  Sometimes he'd be gone for two months at a clip.  (Giving away my age here) we didn't have cell phones or FaceTime so he'd call me from random pay phones or land lines in the Caribbean whenever they put into port.  I was busy with my nascent career and so in love that it never even occurred to me to go out with someone else.  So yah, agree with other posters, you dodged a bullet.  Imagine if you upended your life and your dad's and then she stepped out.  The universe is looking out for you, her jerky isn't destined for your tummy 😉

[Capttrae]

I’m just rambling here. Why can’t a woman just be honest, you know something like hey I’m seeing somebody instead of just not saying anything. Wouldn’t be that difficult. I just don’t have the energy that this dating mess requires. Think I’ll just stick to what I know, deer, duck, and turkey huntin, and fishin. They might drive you to the brink of mental and physical exhaustion chasing them but at least they won’t hurt you. 

[OdliDPrincess]

I'm sad things didn't work out for you, but I'm pleased you discovered it sooner rather than later.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Capttrae said:

I’m just rambling here. Why can’t a woman just be honest, you know something like hey I’m seeing somebody instead of just not saying anything. Wouldn’t be that difficult. I just don’t have the energy that this dating mess requires. Think I’ll just stick to what I know, deer, duck, and turkey huntin, and fishin. They might drive you to the brink of mental and physical exhaustion chasing them but at least they won’t hurt you. 

Were you open with her about your concerns about "wrong timing?" Certainly that affects your availability/motivation. I think it's ok you weren't. Not right away anyway. And no it is not the same about hiding the fact that you are married/like married.  Sounds like she is "seeing someone"   -- so you don't know the exact arrangement with the other guy -whether it was exclusive, whether they were allowed to go on a platonic date, whether they were on a break.  

[Jibralta]

On 10/30/2022 at 2:43 AM, Capttrae said:

I’ve been on one type of boat or another since I graduated highschool at 19, I’m 44 now be 45 come Febuary, that 26 years on boats.

Will you consider retiring in the near future?