Despite having feelings, he chose to end it. Confusing situation.

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Nagisa said:

I think it hurts more because it wasn't the first time I was rejected by someone I truly like.

The key is to screen better and not jump in this fast with men who clearly state upfront that they are leaving anyway. Screen and pace yourself. Make sure you are not getting caught up in romance-talk and string-along talk rather than the situation making sense.

For example in this case it's not a "rejection" at all. He clearly warned you it's a short term no-strings thing. So you're trying to make it about you, but in fact  it's about falling for someone who tells you he has one foot out the door already.

Try not to go for long shots. If a guy has a flashing neon sign that states "I'm leaving" just run, it's that simple.

[Batya33]

Why did you trust to this extent a person you barely knew who hoped you’d go along with casual sex?  
Sure he might be confused. It’s confusing to want marriage eventually but want sex now. Like when I eventually want perfect blood pressure and cholesterol but I also want to share Oreo dream cheesecake while on vacation.  
The only thing you’re doing wrong is lying to yourself and getting in your own way.  Many years ago I was an invited participating audience member on a new talk show with a radio psychologist.  
So I attended even more to the guest.  She was astounded that her “nerdy “ brilliant and successful husband cheated on her. She thought by settling for him - someone not as attractive as she’d like and who she was cuter than surely wouldn’t be a cheater. I mean who would he get right ??  
stop getting in your own way and having casual sex based on someone’s words that you “trust” in your haze of hormones.  And date people not projects.  He told you he’s not into being with one woman now.  He sees it as confining. I actually find marriage freeing. I found when I was single I didn’t feel free to spend free time on doing nothing when I could be out there potentially meeting suitable men.  And because I wanted marriage badly any “sacrifice” was well worth it. I’ve traveled to three foreign countries and countless states in the US over the past 13 years.  And we have a 13 year old. It’s all a matter of perspective.
His is it’s more fun right now to be his own person not having to answer to anyone except briefly here and there during a short term fling and his answer is limited to “I am a spontaneous guy who likes to travel on a whim. Oh and my other answer is yes I love morning sex. “ 

you want to be with someone who potentially sees you as a serious match. Someone who already has his mindset doesn’t right now. He might if he met someone who knocked his socks off which is why no friendship.

My Casanova guy - self defined reformed player - dated me exclusively for 5 months in 2003 then ended things and wanted to keep hooking up. I said no. after one time. 

 He met his future wife 6 months later and actually sent me a few playing with fire messages.  I think she’s more attractive than me - I did back then. Want to know why I didn’t fall apart ? Because I accepted he wasn’t that into me and I hooked up with him after - a little fooling around - one time only and realized how dumb it was.

Two years later I started dating my future husband.  I was really head over heels for this guy. And I forced myself to detach so I could be out there again dating. I’ve seen women wastecyesrs on men who were not that into them.
 

One is in her 50s now and hasn’t yet married or has a child.  Not dating anyone seriously   She spent 3 years in her late 30s pining after some guy who was never that into her. Didn’t sleep with him but gave no one else a chance. I know of a number of examples like that. Some men too.  
so that’s what i think you did wrong and you have control to change it. 

[Chaeryoung]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The key is to screen better and not jump in this fast with men who clearly state upfront that they are leaving anyway. Screen and pace yourself. Make sure you are not getting caught up in romance-talk and string-along talk rather than the situation making sense.

For example in this case it's not a "rejection" at all. He clearly warned you it's a short term no-strings thing. So you're trying to make it about you, but in fact  it's about falling for someone who tells you he has one foot out the door already. Try not to go for long shots. 

Here is the problem. This guy never said something really certain. The first time we met he told me that he would like to have a relationship as well based on how he feels around the girl. But my assumption is that from the very beginning he didn't know what he wanted and looked for, as in casual or serious. He just played the field, which is okay, I did that as well. He also told me afterwards that he is greedy and wants all at once, and then he tried to confess that he is quite lost and told me about his desire to leave one day BUT he highlighted that it is not a plan set in stone, but that it is an idea that he has been entertaining for some time. My guess is that he didn't necessarily look for something serious from the beginning, but things eventually went that way. And maybe, as he said, we are in different places. Now, all my comments reflect my confusion I guess. I really don't know what to believe, but I should look at the facts, namely that he left. 

[Andrina]

18 minutes ago, Nagisa said:

Yup. My ego, self-esteem suffered after this rejection. I think it hurts more because it wasn't the first time I was rejected by someone I truly like. And I cannot stop wondering why. Why am I not good enough for him? What's lacking in me. It just hurts a lot. Especially since he told me that I check all the boxes, that he would love to know me better, but that he eventually will want to leave the country in the proximate future. I guess I am also very affected because some things can be felt. I felt that he cared, l truly trusted that he is lost and confused in general. I felt in his last hugs and the firm hold of my hands that longing, the pain. The look in his eyes, the tears. It was very emotional and it confused me. It indeed felt as if he is not sure about what he is doing. But maybe, just maybe, as you said, it's difficult to accept the idea that he might not have liked me that much as to pursue something more. 

I know how it is to have false perceptions about someone. I did online dating for two and a half years, so had numerous dating experiences. I'd be like: They said they wanted long term on their profile. On our dates, the chemistry was electric for me and seemed to be for him. I'm cute, he's cute. We both have good careers, nice cars, nice homes=financial stability. High hopes.

Nope. Found out that in some cases, several were working their way through the list of online singles, fast as Speed Racer (the predictive title of one of the guy's profiles) and had lied about the longterm goal.

It's not that you did anything wrong or are lacking in any way. It's that he has a mode of operation that doesn't include longterm with anybody at this point in his life. You're lucky you found this out so quickly, so you will no longer invest anymore of your precious time on a nowhere man.

I did eventually find the right guy who actually did want longterm and never left--not even once. You have to realize you normally have to date a boatload of men to find the right one. When you think about it, it's a rare thing to find someone who matches you in every major way. But it is worth the effort and time to find that special person. I hope you've cut contact with him for your own good.

[Chaeryoung]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why did you trust to this extent a person you barely knew who hoped you’d go along with casual sex?  
Sure he might be confused. It’s confusing to want marriage eventually but want sex now. Like when I eventually want perfect blood pressure and cholesterol but I also want to share Oreo dream cheesecake while on vacation.  
The only thing you’re doing wrong is lying to yourself and getting in your own way.  Many years ago I was an invited participating audience member on a new talk show with a radio psychologist.  
So I attended even more to the guest.  She was astounded that her “nerdy “ brilliant and successful husband cheated on her. She thought by settling for him - someone not as attractive as she’d like and who she was cuter than surely wouldn’t be a cheater. I mean who would he get right ??  
stop getting in your own way and having casual sex based on someone’s words that you “trust” in your haze of hormones.  And date people not projects.  He told you he’s not into being with one woman now.  He sees it as confining. I actually find marriage freeing. I found when I was single I didn’t feel free to spend free time on doing nothing when I could be out there potentially meeting suitable men.  And because I wanted marriage badly any “sacrifice” was well worth it. I’ve traveled to three foreign countries and countless states in the US over the past 13 years.  And we have a 13 year old. It’s all a matter of perspective.
His is it’s more fun right now to be his own person not having to answer to anyone except briefly here and there during a short term fling and his answer is limited to “I am a spontaneous guy who likes to travel on a whim. Oh and my other answer is yes I love morning sex. “ 

you want to be with someone who potentially sees you as a serious match. Someone who already has his mindset doesn’t right now. He might if he met someone who knocked his socks off which is why no friendship.

My Casanova guy - self defined reformed player - dated me exclusively for 5 months in 2003 then ended things and wanted to keep hooking up. I said no. after one time. 

 He met his future wife 6 months later and actually sent me a few playing with fire messages.  I think she’s more attractive than me - I did back then. Want to know why I didn’t fall apart ? Because I accepted he wasn’t that into me and I hooked up with him after - a little fooling around - one time only and realized how dumb it was.

Two years later I started dating my future husband.  I was really head over heels for this guy. And I forced myself to detach so I could be out there again dating. I’ve seen women wastecyesrs on men who were not that into them.
 

One is in her 50s now and hasn’t yet married or has a child.  Not dating anyone seriously   She spent 3 years in her late 30s pining after some guy who was never that into her. Didn’t sleep with him but gave no one else a chance. I know of a number of examples like that. Some men too.  
so that’s what i think you did wrong and you have control to change it. 

Needless to say, I deeply appreciate the time you take in writing these elaborate answers. Thank from my heart to all of you. 

[Chaeryoung]

9 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I know how it is to have false perceptions about someone. I did online dating for two and a half years, so had numerous dating experiences. I'd be like: They said they wanted long term on their profile. On our dates, the chemistry was electric for me and seemed to be for him. I'm cute, he's cute. We both have good careers, nice cars, nice homes=financial stability. High hopes.

Nope. Found out that in some cases, several were working their way through the list of online singles, fast as Speed Racer (the predictive title of one of the guy's profiles) and had lied about the longterm goal.

It's not that you did anything wrong or are lacking in any way. It's that he has a mode of operation that doesn't include longterm with anybody at this point in his life. You're lucky you found this out so quickly, so you will no longer invest anymore of your precious time on a nowhere man.

I did eventually find the right guy who actually did want longterm and never left--not even once. You have to realize you normally have to date a boatload of men to find the right one. When you think about it, it's a rare thing to find someone who matches you in every major way. But it is worth the effort and time to find that special person. I hope you've cut contact with him for your own good.

Thank you so much. Now here comes the problem. I will soon be 26..and I already feel that pressure to find someone, which I know is not okay, but cannot help feeling it. I start to feel that fear of maybe not finding anyone to just be there, enjoy my presence and like me for who am I. 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Nagisa said:

This guy never said something really certain. 

Exactly. He was full of vague double talk. A red flag. It's extremely important to stop overinvesting like this and charge in head-long and full-steam ahead into situations that are nothing but a few dates as if you're walking down the aisle. 30 days dating and 5 dates is not a relationship and when it doesn't work out, it's a disappointment not a tragedy. Try to reframe things  more realistically.

[Chaeryoung]

7 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I know how it is to have false perceptions about someone. I did online dating for two and a half years, so had numerous dating experiences. I'd be like: They said they wanted long term on their profile. On our dates, the chemistry was electric for me and seemed to be for him. I'm cute, he's cute. We both have good careers, nice cars, nice homes=financial stability. High hopes.

Nope. Found out that in some cases, several were working their way through the list of online singles, fast as Speed Racer (the predictive title of one of the guy's profiles) and had lied about the longterm goal.

It's not that you did anything wrong or are lacking in any way. It's that he has a mode of operation that doesn't include longterm with anybody at this point in his life. You're lucky you found this out so quickly, so you will no longer invest anymore of your precious time on a nowhere man.

I did eventually find the right guy who actually did want longterm and never left--not even once. You have to realize you normally have to date a boatload of men to find the right one. When you think about it, it's a rare thing to find someone who matches you in every major way. But it is worth the effort and time to find that special person. I hope you've cut contact with him for your own good.

Ah, and yes. I have always been that kind of person that, if things are over, I never reach out again. Over means over for me and it's always been like this 

[Andrina]

8 minutes ago, Nagisa said:

Thank you so much. Now here comes the problem. I will soon be 26..and I already feel that pressure to find someone, which I know is not okay, but cannot help feeling it. I start to feel that fear of maybe not finding anyone to just be there, enjoy my presence and like me for who am I. 

Coming from a place of pressure might mean you will be willing to settle. Nothing wrong with wanting a companion to enjoy life with, but you're going to have to start dating more wisely. Make a must-have list and a dealbreaker list and stick to it. Cut off a person as soon as you see a dealbreaker or something missing on your must-have list. Think of yourself as the treasure, and a man has to treat you as one to stay in your life. 

And to meet that boatload of men, you will have to get out into the world A LOT. Join meet up.com groups for singles in your age group. Volunteer. I know a couple who met while volunteering at the zoo. Ask your girlfriends if they know a single guy who might be a good match for you. Take lessons, like in dance or cooking or painting, etc. You have to spread your net wide for the best catch.

[Chaeryoung]

5 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Coming from a place of pressure might mean you will be willing to settle. Nothing wrong with wanting a companion to enjoy life with, but you're going to have to start dating more wisely. Make a must-have list and a dealbreaker list and stick to it. Cut off a person as soon as you see a dealbreaker or something missing on your must-have list. Think of yourself as the treasure, and a man has to treat you as one to stay in your life. 

And to meet that boatload of men, you will have to get out into the world A LOT. Join meet up.com groups for singles in your age group. Volunteer. I know a couple who met while volunteering at the zoo. Ask your girlfriends if they know a single guy who might be a good match for you. Take lessons, like in dance or cooking or painting, etc. You have to spread your net wide for the best catch.

It's a bit difficult to go out a lot, at least during the week. I work around 10 hours a day, and then I am too tired for anything. I mostly use dating apps, but well. Regarding the idea of settling, hell no. Better single than with the wrong person, but yeah. Never say never. Generally I try to be vary cautious (ironically taking into consideration this situation), as I come from a very abusive background. Anyway. I guess my anxiety is more age related. Do you personally believe that it's more difficult for a woman past 26 to find someone? 

[Lambert]

1 hour ago, Nagisa said:

Why am I not good enough for him?

I am sorry your going through this.  I think it's a very relatable feeling. 

But it also is letting you know a few things: 

- you need to love yourself more.

A guy of one month could never know you well enough to clearly judge you to such a level that your questioning your value. 

- Be catious and selective of whose opinion of YOU accept as true.

Life is full of people who have no idea what they're doing or talking about. A guy so clearly out of whack in his own feelings is only a reflection of your willingness to ignore red flags.

This keeps happening because you're letting it. Of course you can't control others.  We all go through lots of rejection in life and it hurts but on the other hand, you can't give yourself so freely. whether it's sexually or emotionally or even financially. You have to parent yourself to not put yourself in these situations.  

If a guy seems great, good! keep having fun and enjoying his company but don't blindly follow the lust. That's what connection is in the beginning. It fades. 

You're going to be fine. Take the lesson and do better next time.  That's what you need to be telling yourself. Not anything about him or what this means about you.  It means you have some work to do on yourself. 

hang in there... go have some fun with your friends and family. 

[Chaeryoung]

6 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I am sorry your going through this.  I think it's a very relatable feeling. 

But it also is letting you know a few things: 

- you need to love yourself more.

A guy of one month could never know you well enough to clearly judge you to such a level that your questioning your value. 

- Be catious and selective of whose opinion of YOU accept as true.

Life is full of people who have no idea what they're doing or talking about. A guy so clearly out of whack in his own feelings is only a reflection of your willingness to ignore red flags.

This keeps happening because you're letting it. Of course you can't control others.  We all go through lots of rejection in life and it hurts but on the other hand, you can't give yourself so freely. whether it's sexually or emotionally or even financially. You have to parent yourself to not put yourself in these situations.  

If a guy seems great, good! keep having fun and enjoying his company but don't blindly follow the lust. That's what connection is in the beginning. It fades. 

You're going to be fine. Take the lesson and do better next time.  That's what you need to be telling yourself. Not anything about him or what this means about you.  It means you have some work to do on yourself. 

hang in there... go have some fun with your friends and family. 

Thank you so much for your words! 🤗 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Nagisa said:

Here is the problem. This guy never said something really certain. The first time we met he told me that he would like to have a relationship as well based on how he feels around the girl. But my assumption is that from the very beginning he didn't know what he wanted and looked for, as in casual or serious. He just played the field, which is okay, I did that as well. He also told me afterwards that he is greedy and wants all at once, and then he tried to confess that he is quite lost and told me about his desire to leave one day BUT he highlighted that it is not a plan set in stone, but that it is an idea that he has been entertaining for some time. My guess is that he didn't necessarily look for something serious from the beginning, but things eventually went that way. And maybe, as he said, we are in different places. Now, all my comments reflect my confusion I guess. I really don't know what to believe, but I should look at the facts, namely that he left. 

Uncertain is clear. It mean no. He’d never be anything but simple and direct and clear if he saw potential.  Would you ever risk being less than clear and risk missing out on a relationship with someone who seemed special and potentially a good match ?  Why would he want to risk you being snapped up by someone else by being less than clear ?

the problem is you settling for scraps and the problem is rationalizing by lying to yourself about how what someone just said  is not “set in stone” - did you think it made him seem “deep” and some sort of thrilling challenge to win over ?

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Nagisa said:

It's a bit difficult to go out a lot, at least during the week. I work around 10 hours a day, and then I am too tired for anything. I mostly use dating apps, but well. Regarding the idea of settling, hell no. Better single than with the wrong person, but yeah. Never say never. Generally I try to be vary cautious (ironically taking into consideration this situation), as I come from a very abusive background. Anyway. I guess my anxiety is more age related. Do you personally believe that it's more difficult for a woman past 26 to find someone? 

I worked much longer and more unpredictable hours. I wanted marriage and family and I made the time to date and meet people.  It’s a matter of priorities.  I treated it as a part time job

[boltnrun]

I dated in my thirties. So yes, there are men available to date.

But you have to be selective.  A wishy-washy man who is "so confused!!!" isn't going to be the man who will want to have a relationship that leads to a lifelong commitment.  If you choose these types of men, no wonder you're still looking!

Listen to what men say.  If they say they "might" want a relationship at some vague point in the future that's a hard pass.  A "maybe" is basically the same thing as a "no".

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, Nagisa said:

Why am I not good enough for him? What's lacking in me.

That thought is a very bad attitude to have while dating. While its understandable that we be dissapointed after it doesnt work out, "Why am I not good enough?" is not something you should ask yourself. Because it brings you down and suggests that something is lacking. And while there is maybe something we can change, in lots of cases, its just other factors.

You should know your worth and that you have something to offer. Why the other side doesnt want you is not something that should shook your worth that much to wonder what you are lacking. For example, in this case, its just the case of other side wanting to "live life to his fullest" or whatever he told you.

That kind of person probably wouldnt be happy with anyone. As its his desire not to be in a relationship with anyone. Its literally not you, its him. So dont beat yourself much over it. And pay attention more next time when you meet somebody.

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Lambert said:

Also now that you know you can become attached through sex, hold off. I don't mean to stereotype bc not everyone is in a heterosexual relationship. but men do seem more able to have casual sex over and over with out attaching.  maybe it's because women take the guy inside them. literally allowing the man to enter into the body. just a theory that could be total bs. haha.

Hah! Maybe not bs, it's been studied. In women, the only equivalent to sex in the release of the hormone oxytocin is during lactation. It's a feel-good bonding hormone, and it's strong, like a drug. While the same is released in men during sex, another hormone, testosterone, tends to blunt it.

So when we think of a feel-good state induced by a substance, we don't exactly equate it with our best judgment. Choosing ahead of time whether you're okay with rolling the dice on casual sex or will remain focused on screening for a LTR is like planning how you'll handle a night of drinking without taking it onto the roads.

When we bond through sex, we need to be clear that the buzz we might feel may not necessarily be shared by our partner.

So my own private rule, just for myself, is that I won't sleep first and ask questions later. I want to get to KNOW who, exactly, I'll be bonding WITH.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Nagisa said:

Do you personally believe that it's more difficult for a woman past 26 to find someone? 

Nope. Some of the best and most fun dating experiences I had were in my 30s. I was 34 when I met my current parter, and we're still together 8 years later. 

You may not realize it yet, but you are still very young at 26. You have a lot still ahead of you. 

[waffle]

On 10/7/2022 at 9:16 AM, Nagisa said:

 . . . he literally made love to me in the sweetest way possible. He took the time to explore my body, to kiss me all over, to caress and all that implies. 

What does that imply?

[Andrina]

6 hours ago, Nagisa said:

I work around 10 hours a day, and then I am too tired for anything.

I'm assuming you have one or two days a week off. Those are days you can plan on meeting up with whatever the meet up group has planned, or whatever outing you've considered. I hear Farmer's Markets are the newest way for singles to mingle. OLD is fine as long as you're supplementing it with other ways to meet guys.

6 hours ago, Nagisa said:

Do you personally believe that it's more difficult for a woman past 26 to find someone? 

There are pros and cons to dating at any age. While in high school and college, you're among a huge pool of singles your age. The cons can be that people are still learning about themselves with lots of growing and evolving, so how will they choose a forever partner when they don't even fully know themselves yet? Some people get lucky and find a great longterm partner during that time, but I sometimes think it's dumb luck. Because most people need a myriad of dating experiences during that time to learn what they want and what they don't want. Also, when the pool is so huge of attractive people, at that less mature stage, it's sometimes hard for a person to not want to sow wild oats.

Once you're older, the pool becomes smaller so it does take pulling out all the stops to meet singles. I often felt like I'd taken on a part-time job after my first marriage ended and I sought a lifetime partner. But nobody said life was easy. No matter the frustrations and upsets I went through, I maintained my efforts and that finally paid off.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Nagisa said:

 Do you personally believe that it's more difficult for a woman past 26 to find someone? 

No. It's prime time, but dating is to get to know someone. It's not to get so attached that you start catastrophizing that "this happens all the time". What happens all the time is people date, have attraction, sleep together, then the guy says "sorry I don't/can't do relationships, am confused about relationships, etc. Slow down and screen well. Do not get overinvested.

[catfeeder]

7 hours ago, Nagisa said:

Here is the problem. This guy never said something really certain. ... my assumption is that from the very beginning he didn't know what he wanted and looked for, as in casual or serious.

You're right, that IS the problem, and it's exactly what we're calling to your attention.

Don't mess with ambiguity.

This doesn't mean you need to fear missing out on some otherwise perfect guy you've tossed out, just screen him to the side with honesty. After first meeting, say, "I really like you a lot. I'm clear where I stand on seeking a long term committed relationship. If you ever decide that you're also as clear, feel free to let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we'll meet to catch up. Otherwise, I'm walking away while we still think highly of one another, and it was a pleasure getting a chance to meet you."

You've left the door open even while he's out of your way and you're on to meet the next guy.

The point is, gain clarity within yourself on where YOU stand--first. Then you have clear lines and you're not trying to play a pleaser to anyone else. You can easily dismiss anyone who's not CLEARLY your match on where you stand, and you're honest with him about why.

If he ever changes his mind on his position, he'll have no trouble catching up to you.

That's the first stage of screening. When someone aligns with you on that, you can start dating him to learn whether he walks his talk, or he just meets up with you again to pressure you for sex.

[Batya33]

I was actually more desperate in my early to mid 20s than in my 30s. In my 30s I had far more confidence in my career and all of a sudden better hair products for my curly frizzy crazy hair. ( which I now wear curly again - came full circle pun intended).
 I had almost married mister right on paper - more than one man - a few times and I knew better than to settle.
 

So yes dating was much more successful for me in my 30s but going to all those weddings and being in weddings in my 20s and watching my older sister marry young to someone she claimed to be madly in love with and make babies was really really hard for me. Including the well meaning and snide and smug married comments slung my way. So hard. 

I had to know my worth.  I walked away from a number of incredibly handsome successful men because they lacked the character and integrity I required and or focused on early sex and casual sex which were dealbreakers for me.  
Andrina is totally right about how it often works. It worked that way for me. My husband is a great person I love, admire and respect very much. Even though he has no clue how many napkins to get when we get pizza or fast food with our son.  Even though he is short (I always preferred shorter men - I’m petite ).  It took me so very long to become the right person to find the right person. In fact he wasn’t my right person at first and we cancelled our wedding 11 years before our actual wedding.
But I can tell you that if we’d broken up because either of us were “confused” about wanting “adventure “ and “freedom” instead of marriage and reacted by pursuing multiple sex partners I don’t think we’d have found  our way back to each other.  It just would have been too much baggage and bad memories.  

future partners are entitled to know if you have an STD (more likely if you had multiple partners )or if presently you’re a person who enjoys casual sex and about your general values about sex but no need to share details.
The problem is that if you continue to settle for casual sex partners a person who has had serious relationships when you have not but instead seemed to have short term flings might have concerns about your intentions.  
I think it’s better to show you chose not to date someone more than once or twice and forego sex and had no long term relationships because you were not going to settle for long term casual sex arrangements.