My friend keeps convincing me to settle

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, Alex39 said:

... But I am a little peeved at my friend. Why would you promote your friend to date a guy who she says isn't up to her standard? A guy with nothing to offer? I swear my friend wants me to live like her to make herself feel better. 

Makes no sense to be peeved at friend. She's entitled to her own opinion, but the final choice was yours to make.

I wouldn't consider someone a friend if I believed that they would deliberately try to manipulate me against my best interests.

Everyone is informed by our own private biases. If you don't agree with your friend's lifestyle or advice, then don't follow her advice.

If you do, who's responsibility is that?

[Tinydance]

I'm also just curious Alex if your friend has actually said that she's not happy in life? Like, related to her poverty? The thing is we can assume that someone is not happy, especially if we view it as something that would make us unhappy. That doesn't necessarily mean that this person actually is unhappy with their life and life choices.

For example, one of my close female friends is 37. I've known her for 21 years and I know her really well. She has never dated anyone at all. Never been on even one date or anything. To my knowledge she has zero experience with any kind of intimacy or relationships. I haven't specifically asked her why because I didn't want to pry I guess. She has three sisters (well one died) and they all married and had kids. My friend actually doesn't seem unhappy. She loves her job as a librarian. She has travelled a lot. She reads a lot. She loves cooking. She has friends and hobbies and interests. You might assume she'd be lonely without a partner literally all her life but I don't think she cares.

I also want to add that my friend is not ugly by any means. She's a nice person and she also owns an apartment. She could be asexual or aromantic or she just doesn't want a relationship. 

I don't think we should just make assumptions that our friends are unhappy.   Or only settled for a particular life because they felt they can't do better or they have no aspirations. People can have different views on life. The views don't have to be the same but it's a matter of trying to understand that they're OK with their choices. That doesn't mean you need to do the same things. If you would prefer to live a different life then you have freedom to take control over your own life. 

[Jaunty]

15 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I think it's a bit of both. My gut screamed at me that he isn't the right one. As much as I like his personality, he's not up to my standards.

Well ... you aren't dating any men who are up to your standards, either.  I'm not saying that means you need to abandon your standards, but since this is the ONLY man you've shown interest in specifically for quite a while, I don't think it's freakish for your friend to tell you to just go ahead and ask him out already.  And now you did, he did not respond to your invitation, and you'll probably be getting over your preoccupation with him pretty soon.  So it was probably a good thing all in all and your friend didn't do you wrong.

Also, why even think of THE RIGHT ONE at this time?   It's actually possible to date people for fun.   You might benefit from dating around some rather than looking at each man who you get a crush on as either being Mr. Right or not, without even going out with them one time. 

I guess my main point is that you need to start going on some dates.  Go!

[Batya33]

I think she should meet people just for fun but not date just for fun -put herself out there to meet likeminded men and women -because women often set up likeminded women on dates -I have countless times and been set up a lot! I didn't date anyone who had basic dealbreakers where I knew I could never marry the person (like a person who didn't want kids, or who was about to relocate, didn't share my spiritual values, etc).  

Alex -a story.  In 2004 I wasn't sure if I should settle for my on again off again serious bf who wanted to marry me.  Sometimes I wanted to marry him but often I had doubts. My very beautiful friend -and beautiful inside too! - said to me "look he's a great guy - marry him, have your kids before it's too late then divorce him." Meanwhile she was head over heels for her future husband -a really handsome, successful guy who I found too slick but whatever -she was head over heels.  I was really put off by her advice because she had no doubts -she and her intended looked like the cake topper couple. 

I went to their big wedding -she got pregnant right away -late 30s, had baby number two a year or so after right around age 40.  After about 7 years of marriage -by this time I was a happily married mom of a toddler- (not to the guy I had doubts about) - they basically each cheated on each other and got divorced.  While they were dating there was some stuff that seemed seedy/not right. He'd dragged his feet a bit about proposing and other stuff. 

Anyway- goes to show you -she advised me to settle and even divorce a really good guy after I used him to have kids (of course I never ever would!!) - and she herself at that time really saw herself as with Mr. Right.  Life is funny and  take that sort of advice with a huge grain of salt -if you take it at al.

[Wiseman2]

Try not to get involved with judging anyone else's circumstances and finances. Whether it's this friend  or your coworkers son you have sort of a crush on. In the future don't ask people to weddings. Go alone and use that as an opportunity to mingle and meet men.

If this friend or this man who you asked, are too beneath you financially, why bother being "friends" with them then go on and on about kids with holes in socks and how horrible people who  don't meet your "standards" are?

Also stop blaming this friend for Your mistakes. You wanted a date for the wedding (why? who knows , such a bad idea) You decided to ask this guy (why? who knows considering weddings are an expensive boring drag)

Why not simply find dates who have jobs, cars and their own place? It's rather basic. It's the majority of men your age.

[boltnrun]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not simply find dates who have jobs, cars and their own place? It's rather basic.

I agree. Most men your age are gainfully employed, have their own means of transportation and don't live with their moms. Maybe they don't meet your $60,000 minimum threshold, but what if they make $45,000? Is that so poor the two of you couldn't make a household?

[Tinydance]

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try not to get involved with judging anyone else's circumstances and finances. Whether it's this friend  or your coworkers son you have sort of a crush on. In the future don't ask people to weddings. Go alone and use that as an opportunity to mingle and meet men.

If this friend or this man who you asked, are too beneath you financially, why bother being "friends" with them then go on and on about kids with holes in socks and how horrible people who  don't meet your "standards" are?

Also stop blaming this friend for Your mistakes. You wanted a date for the wedding (why? who knows , such a bad idea) You decided to ask this guy (why? who knows considering weddings are an expensive boring drag)

Why not simply find dates who have jobs, cars and their own place? It's rather basic. It's the majority of men your age.

Actually I don't think weddings are boring or a drag. I love weddings! I think they're romantic. I always get excited when I get invited to one, which isn't very often unfortunately. But to each their own of course.

I agree with your other comments that most men have a job and don't live with their parents in their 30's. So that part shouldn't be a problem.

[Kwothe28]

31 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I agree. Most men your age are gainfully employed, have their own means of transportation and don't live with their moms. Maybe they don't meet your $60,000 minimum threshold, but what if they make $45,000? Is that so poor the two of you couldn't make a household?

I think she said 45k is OK to her. Is that a lot by American standards? 

Read that 7,25$ an hour(minimum wage) is 15k yearly so that means her future boyfriend would have to have 21,75$ per hour wage(full time working) if I am not mistaken with math. Dont think that is too much to ask but dunno what jobs would qualify in that category in USA.

[boltnrun]

30 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I think she said 45k is OK to her. Is that a lot by American standards? 

Read that 7,25$ an hour(minimum wage) is 15k yearly so that means her future boyfriend would have to have 21,75$ per hour wage(full time working) if I am not mistaken with math. Dont think that is too much to ask but dunno what jobs would qualify in that category in USA.

$21.75 per hour may seem basic but my previous job only paid $17 per hour and required 5 years experience minimum. I see a lot of jobs that start at $18 per hour. 

Of course it all depends on what part of the country you live in. The national minimum wage is I believe $7.25 (ridiculous!) But where I live it's $15 per hour.

A former coworker and I had the exact same job at the exact same company in the exact same facility but I made $16 per hour and she made $24 per hour. That was because she transferred from a facility in Washington DC, where the cost of living was much higher and therefore the company paid the workers there a lot more.

Anyway, sorry for going so far off track. 

Alex, I truly believe you can find many men who are gainfully employed, have transportation and don't live with Mom. If you are feeling good about yourself and where you are in life you can very likely find men who meet your basic criteria.

[Tinydance]

13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

$21.75 per hour may seem basic but my previous job only paid $17 per hour and required 5 years experience minimum. I see a lot of jobs that start at $18 per hour. 

Of course it all depends on what part of the country you live in. The national minimum wage is I believe $7.25 (ridiculous!) But where I live it's $15 per hour.

A former coworker and I had the exact same job at the exact same company in the exact same facility but I made $16 per hour and she made $24 per hour. That was because she transferred from a facility in Washington DC, where the cost of living was much higher and therefore the company paid the workers there a lot more.

Anyway, sorry for going so far off track. 

Alex, I truly believe you can find many men who are gainfully employed, have transportation and don't live with Mom. If you are feeling good about yourself and where you are in life you can very likely find men who meet your basic criteria.

So is the idea to make more money on tips if the job can get you tips? We don't have tipping here in Australia hardly at all so I don't know much about it.

[boltnrun]

38 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

So is the idea to make more money on tips if the job can get you tips? We don't have tipping here in Australia hardly at all so I don't know much about it.

Servers in a lot of states make minimum or sub-minimum wage with the presumption they'll make up the difference with tips. But many establishments make the servers share the tips with the entire staff including host, bus staff and cooks. And of course some customers do not tip at all or they tip minimally. And this is a huge reason why, post pandemic, so many restaurants are having trouble finding employees. Plus most of those jobs are part time so they don't get benefits.

Sorry for hijacking your thread, Alex. I'll stop now since this topic has nothing to do with the question you posted!

[Alex39]

On 9/29/2022 at 10:05 AM, Tinydance said:

I think it's good you actually put yourself out there and asked him out. It's good to be proactive and at least try. It's OK if he's not interested because not everyone will be interested in us, and vice versa.

I think you really need to stop worrying about what your friends do and what their life is like. You've made many posts like this and you say these women are your close friends but yet you have so many negative and judgemental things to say about them. I think if they knew what you really think of them, their jaw would drop.

I think your friend was just trying to be supportive because you wrote here and probably told her that you don't like being single and you're not happy. You also wrote a lot about how much you liked that guy and you really wanted him to ask you out. Your friend probably only said those things because she knew you liked him and she was rooting for you and him to get together. Now you're annoyed because the guy turned you down and you're blaming your friend.

You actually weren't acting like he "wasn't up to your standard" because you talked about him a lot and how much you liked him. You need to act more mature and actually take responsibility for your own actions. 

If you want guys to like you, you should try to be a more positive person and not someone who is always finding fault with her friends and blaming them for this and that.

I disagree. My gut was telling me he wasn't up to my standards. He isn't in my level in life. I didn't judge him. But I am looking for someone similar to myself. My friends told me I was materialistic and only looking at what someone has. That is not true. I do like his personality. But a good laugh and intelligent conversation doesn't pay the bills. My friend made me feel selfish, materialistic, and vain. I am not those things. And yes, I should have trusted myself more. But I'm sorry, I would never tell my friend to go ask someone for a date who has nothing to offer. 

[Alex39]

On 9/29/2022 at 11:38 AM, Cherylyn said:

Always listen to your gut because it's always right.  Your intuition are red flags about any person.  It is there for a reason and will protect you from future disaster. 

It's not so cut and dry.  If a man has a nice personality but doesn't qualify in other areas,  perhaps doesn't have realistic earning potential for a happy future with him,  then it's better to move on and find a more suitable long term partner.  If a man has a nice personality after observing him for a while and going places in life, he could be for you. 

Be patient though.  You really have to scrutinize character because potential for the future or a comfortable income earner may not tick all the boxes for you.  I'll give you an example.  My BIL (brother-in-law - my sister's husband) is handsome and a high income earner.  He's a fantastic provider and he, my sister and their 3 children reside in a $2mil house in a gated, coveted, very affluent neighborhood.  I'll admit that sometimes I'm quite envious of their prosperity.  However,  once I remember to dig deeper,  I know the real dirt. ☹️  This is what you deliberately don't  know nor see blasted all over social media, FB, IG, etc.  BIL is a class A jerk.  I could use another word but it's not fit for print.  He has a chronic, habitual, incurable, extremely rude personality.  He'll think nothing of constantly interrupting anyone who has a conversation with his wife, my sister.  He's insanely jealous of anyone who receives her attention, conversations or compliments.  He will make sure he cuts you down to the core, openly humiliates you, downgrades you and has no qualms saying the most cruel comments right to your face or anyone in my sister's company.  No one is spared.  Everyone is fair game.  He has become a pariah and no one wants to be with him socially.  He paws my sister if she's having a conversation with others.  So gross!  Either my sister has to do instant damage control, we all have to pretend we didn't hear him and ignore him or we simply decline all socializing with him.  His entire family including us (my husband & sons) are collateral damage by default.  It's so bad that my sister has to banish her husband at home while she attends various social events without him fearing predictable embarrassment at every turn.  She doesn't wish to risk public humiliation so she deliberately leaves him at home.  He's a pain in the  _________. 

Don't ever allow comfortable economics fool you.  A man who gives you endless trouble is a package deal.  You're forced to take the good with the bad.  The problem is the bad is like cancer.  You can't fix it in a marriage nor can you fix him.   You can never change a man which was advice given to me courtesy of my dear mother.  I took heed!  If you're with a bad man,  you're stuck and entrapped.  Divorce is not always an easy, instant option for everyone.  When shopping around for a husband, keep your eyes wide open because haste makes waste.  If you're smart, it will pay off later meaning everything about a man is someone who will give you a harmonious, very content, low maintenance life. 

My cousin's husband has a very impressive educational pedigree and in the upper echelons of his career and income.  He is supremely smart academically.  He's very tall and handsome.  How wonderful? 🙄 Well, again, I know the real dirt which not many people see nor know.  He's charming.  I'll give him that.  However, he like my BIL becomes very jealous if his wife pays attention to anyone but him so what does he do?  Like my BIL, he chases everyone away.  My cousin's husband harasses other women physically such as pulling and snapping the back of my bra strap years ago.  He has a track record of doing this to 14 other known women as well such as my cousin's mother, stepmother, neighbor, her husband's niece and numerous now estranged friends.  He's a huge liability.  For men, my cousin's husband will say something awful to them. 

Pay very close to character because it makes and breaks all relationships.  It's not only about the attraction of money.  Pay attention to the quality of one's character and make sure your radar is up about everything. 

Of course, a comfortable standard of living is important.  I'm not discounting that. 

I have a neighbor who is great at his career but he's the most narcissistic man I've ever met.  He's handsome but so what?  The rest of him stinks!  🤭

I went on one and last date with a guy who earned a great income, handsome, drove a sports car yet doused himself with after shave cologne to the point of suffocating me.  When he picked me up for a date, what did he do?  He handed my mother a bag of fast food trash from his car and asked her to dispose it!  😯  ☹️  He was a reject! 

I wouldn't be peeved regarding your friend.  She's demonstrates typical human nature.  She doesn't want you to have a better outcome than her when it comes to choosing a husband.  She wants you to pinch pennies, clip coupons and live on the cheap just like her.  Hence, misery loves company.  She wants you to be just like her or inferior to her but definitely not above her in the happiness and monetary scale.  This is how many people are.   It's a cruel world we live in so grow accustomed to it.  Your friend is very passive and gives you backhanded advice.  Ignore her and go your own way.  And, don't divulge your personal opinions, private life and comments to your friend anymore otherwise you will invite her sinister advice.  

Don't feel bad about finding fault or faults and judging a man and your friend because judging is good.  Judging teaches you to think and discern your life's course.  Judging protects you from people who are no good.  If you didn't judge, you'd make avoidable and preventable mistakes which will cost you dearly.  Heed those red warning flags because you'll thank yourself later and be relieved to have used your brain!

Your friend called you materialistic?  This was her way of giving you a snide comment.  If you don't wish to hear it,  keep your mouth shut.  Don't text her.  Don't provoke.  If you must, keep your conversations brief and superficial.  No more updates for her.  Make it a habit.   She will criticize you as long as you provide her with fodder.  Ending it starts with YOUR behavior.

I remember when I was a young girl.  When I was a teenager, I wanted a particular pair of shoes other girls were wearing at my school.  Sometimes, as a special rare treat, my mother would buy them or new clothes for my birthday or Christmas.  It's normal to want what others have.  I am this way to this day.  The only difference is I no longer have to wait.  I just simply buy it quickly.  The benefit to growing up poor is it forced and pushed me to succeed and prosper more than those in my midst.  I wanted it more than my friends who grew up in a comfortable, middle class life.  I wanted it so badly that I eclipsed them.

Be very picky and choosy.  I was and I'm glad! 

Living the type of life you want is expensive.   Shoot for the best because that's what it takes to obtain what you want.  Never settle.  I've noticed all around me in my community that all great husbands and "catches" were snatched up early.  Then there are other women who've settled for duds and look where it got them?  😩

This was honestly so refreshing to read. I feel like you get me immensely. I can't thank you enough for the insight. 

[Alex39]

On 9/29/2022 at 10:08 PM, Tinydance said:

I'm also just curious Alex if your friend has actually said that she's not happy in life? Like, related to her poverty? The thing is we can assume that someone is not happy, especially if we view it as something that would make us unhappy. That doesn't necessarily mean that this person actually is unhappy with their life and life choices.

For example, one of my close female friends is 37. I've known her for 21 years and I know her really well. She has never dated anyone at all. Never been on even one date or anything. To my knowledge she has zero experience with any kind of intimacy or relationships. I haven't specifically asked her why because I didn't want to pry I guess. She has three sisters (well one died) and they all married and had kids. My friend actually doesn't seem unhappy. She loves her job as a librarian. She has travelled a lot. She reads a lot. She loves cooking. She has friends and hobbies and interests. You might assume she'd be lonely without a partner literally all her life but I don't think she cares.

I also want to add that my friend is not ugly by any means. She's a nice person and she also owns an apartment. She could be asexual or aromantic or she just doesn't want a relationship. 

I don't think we should just make assumptions that our friends are unhappy.   Or only settled for a particular life because they felt they can't do better or they have no aspirations. People can have different views on life. The views don't have to be the same but it's a matter of trying to understand that they're OK with their choices. That doesn't mean you need to do the same things. If you would prefer to live a different life then you have freedom to take control over your own life. 

My friend says she is really happy. But she constantly complains that they can't afford things and like it's not their fault. They've both been offered higher paying jobs and turned them down. I see it a bit like their own fault. 

[Alex39]

On 9/30/2022 at 9:18 AM, boltnrun said:

I agree. Most men your age are gainfully employed, have their own means of transportation and don't live with their moms. Maybe they don't meet your $60,000 minimum threshold, but what if they make $45,000? Is that so poor the two of you couldn't make a household?

I said I was looking for someone who makes 40k and up in a previous post

[LootieTootie]

I'm not sure how much you and your friend talk about your dating life, but it sounds like you and her talk a lot and I am thinking you guys touch on a potential match(es) for you frequently.

 Here's my advice, and you might not like it. 

When someone close to you keeps ignoring you, dismissing you, or countering you because they have a different opinion about something, sometimes its best not to share any more with them. Talk about something else- the weather, weekend plans, a new show, upcoming events, etc.

The reason why is because you stop listening to yourself. You can't be happy if you got other people telling you how you should think or how you should feel on a particular subject that plays a significant part to who you are.

It's okay to share but when someone just can't stop beating you up for your "standards" - time to stop sharing, oversharing and redirect every time they bring it up.

 

[Tinydance]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I disagree. My gut was telling me he wasn't up to my standards. He isn't in my level in life. I didn't judge him. But I am looking for someone similar to myself. My friends told me I was materialistic and only looking at what someone has. That is not true. I do like his personality. But a good laugh and intelligent conversation doesn't pay the bills. My friend made me feel selfish, materialistic, and vain. I am not those things. And yes, I should have trusted myself more. But I'm sorry, I would never tell my friend to go ask someone for a date who has nothing to offer. 

Well I think there is nothing wrong with thinking the guy is not up to your standard. I mean it's true he hasn't had any job at all for a pretty long time. Your friend probably shouldn't have called you materialistic. It's just that your behaviour is actually confusing. 

You wrote a lot here about that guy and that you really liked him. You actually had already kind of asked him out yourself by your own choice when you asked him to come over to watch movies at your place. You must have talked to your friend about liking him which then led to your friend to push you to ask him out. Why would she do this if you hadn't given her any reason to? 

All I'm trying to say is you don't want to own any responsibility or free will in this situation. If you didn't want to ask him out again then you actually didn't have to. You could have just said to your friend: "Look I do like him but I won't ask him out because he doesn't suit what I'm looking for in a guy". Instead you actually did ask him out and you're really annoyed at your friend now. 

I imagine if he agreed to go with you as your date to the wedding and you had a nice time, you would not be blaming your friend. I think you're looking for someone to blame for being rejected by that guy. It's not your friend's fault he turned you down.

You also seem very fixated in your posts on what your friends are doing or saying to you and how they live their life. I think it doesn't really matter how they live. They're your friends, not boyfriend so it's not really affecting you.

I'm actually not getting the sense that you're doing very much about trying to meet guys. You just write about it a lot here but you're not being very proactive. You had a date with some random guy from Facebook who you didn't really know anything about. You also asked out a guy who doesn't match anything you're looking for. I just get the impression you just wait until guys come along and then you try. You might need to actually make effort like doing online dating, singles events, Meetup groups and so on. Guys won't just fall from the sky.

[Wiseman2]

It's disappointing that this guy didn't respond to your invitation, but don't take it out on your friend.

Next time stop complaining to everyone about your dating life. Go to weddings stag and talk to men there.

It's not your friends fault this non-BF blew you off.

[Batya33]

Again -be super careful if you want to be a mom and you are this prone to "my friend keeps convincing me to____" - quite often well-meaning and not so well-meaning "friends" will try to "convince you" to make certain parenting decisions. And if you want to be a good parent you have to be really strong and stick to your values and choices and balance when to accept unsolicited advice if at all and who to seek advice from and how to evaluate that -from a position of Mama Bear Strength.  JMHO.  Time to get over this nonsense (I agree with how Tinydance put it, above- pretending I cut and paste it here) and be your own person.  

I'd also try to avoid the mindset of "my level" unless you're going to relocate to a place focused on some sort of social hierarchy.  Someone who chooses not to take a higher paying job, or any job, someone who chooses not to buy a private home or plan a big flashy party/parties as part of a wedding ceremony - simply is making different choices that would not be compatible for you in a marriage/LTR. 

Doesn't have to do with levels since perhaps that person would judge you (as you are judging them) as not being on their level spiritually or having the depth they're looking for. That might be a wrong judgment but the whole level thing might start to smell bad to prospective suitors.

[Cherylyn]

Your friend can't live your life for you.   You are the one who is responsible for the future you will envision with a man.  Look at everything.  Is his character worth admiring and respecting?  Is he going places in life meaning will he give you economic stability?  Or,  can you look past "blips" and hope it will all pass and work itself out eventually?  That is a gamble and unfortunately,  whenever a woman thinks she can change a man or simply hope,  marriage is a disaster which happened to my dear mother. 

A husband shouldn't be a project.  He needs to be a very decent human being from the beginning and realistic regarding what it takes to sustain a comfortable standard of living long term.  Any other way spells and endless headache for you and unfortunately ends up with a miserable marriage and / or divorce.  

Life is expensive.  Rents and mortgages cost money.  Utilities,  food,  insurance and life's basics all cost a lot of money.  Think of character,  good health and economics because these requirements are tantamount.   Stop listening to your friend.  Use your common sense. 

Save yourself the trouble by getting it right the first time.  Be shrewd because it will pay off later.  Never be a naive woman.  Be smart.  Make wise choices for your happily ever after.   

[catfeeder]

Alex, you have a remarkable talent for distracting yourself from the point.

If you believe that friend's advice was meant to be so malicious, why did you follow it?

And why would you select a malicious friend in the first place?

You're distracting yourself with sour grapes instead of addressing the real foundation of your complaint: you want to find a good partner, but you're not willing to take the baby steps necessary to meet men, screen out bad matches, and go on dates with potential partners.

All the complaining in the world won't change that. 

The only way to change your condition is to make the effort and take the steps. If you won't do that, then you're not really all that motivated to find a good partner.

There's nothing 'wrong' with that, but convincing yourself that you're miserable WILL make you miserable. Have you noticed?

[Coily]

Something that has struck me in all of this, is how does the OP evaluate her standards in the men you interact with? Is it a questionnaire? How they dress? Or what they Drive?

I ask this as a guy who could on paper would fit the standards of fiscal stability. I own a business, home, and can take nice vacations (if I wasn't keeping a company afloat). But on the other hand I prefer to drive an old pick-up or car I rebuilt, I dress casually for most outings, and I prefer to not be ostentatious.

So Why aren't I wearing my nice suits or business casual on a first date? I don't want to be viewed as what I am, but who I am. I judge a potential woman in my life by how she treats me, not my bank account, ambition, or fiscal stability. I'm looking for someone I can grow with, not just plop down in my life and take on a "job."

So why labor through all of this, well I think the OP needs to evaluate not her standards, but the process of what hallmarks she's using about the impressions of men meeting her standards. Settle? Absolutely not, but be willing to dig a bit more if the character is there.

[boltnrun]

It's also a balance. My brother's former wife wanted him to bring home a six figure salary but expected him to work part time hours and take a bunch of time off. Well, that job doesn't exist, or if it does neither he nor I have found it yet! She also spent most of the money on trinkets and custom made items and jewelry and when he protested she told him "just get a job that pays more!" But she didn't work because she felt it's the man's job to bring home a large salary and provide for the family. He is also a simple guy... drives an economy sedan, dresses in cargo shorts and a short sleeve shirt over a t-shirt or jeans. He definitely can dress up and has nice clothing but he's really a casual type guy. No Rolex, no chains, no rings. He likes diners and no frills steak houses. He will gladly take a date to a nice restaurant and won't complain about the bill, but in everyday life he's a simple, no frills type.

I don't get the impression Alex is looking for Mr. Moneybags to fund a fancy lifestyle. I think she's looking for a guy with ambitions who pulls his own weight and is an equal partner. But as you said, Coily, appearances can be if not necessarily misleading, might require a closer look. 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Coily said:

So why labor through all of this, well I think the OP needs to evaluate not her standards, but the process of what hallmarks she's using about the impressions of men meeting her standards. Settle? Absolutely not, but be willing to dig a bit more if the character is there.

Great points about generalizing. Those of us who have encouraged OP to uphold her standards are doing so with prior knowledge of the specific freeloading guy she was referring to.

So in this case, it's not about assessing what a guy wears or drives, it's about a minimum requirement of self sufficiency and not romanticizing a mama's boy to the point of being seduced into the role of his next enabler--modeled by his mama.

 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I don't get the impression Alex is looking for Mr. Moneybags to fund a fancy lifestyle. I think she's looking for a guy with ambitions who pulls his own weight and is an equal partner. But as you said, Coily, appearances can be if not necessarily misleading, might require a closer look. 

Well said, and I'd love a date with your brother, Bolt!