Update: I think that’s us finally over

[Redyroo]

We just had another argument last night. I just knew things weren’t working and I guess subconsciously I pushed him away by stirring yet another argument up over something silly. He’s had enough and says he wants a break. (He had previously warned from the last argument that if this happens again he will want a break). 
 

We haven’t spoken since last night and I so desperately want to share my thoughts incase we never speak again so I will share what I wrote here: 

 

“Incase this is the end for you and I, I want to share my thoughts.

I’m so incredibly sorry for all the pain and annoyance and frustration I have caused you. It’s happened too many times and I understand why you are sick of it. Words cannot describe just how horrible, shameful and guilty I feel for doing this to you and us. I’ve destroyed the love, memories and the goodness we shared and the last straw we were holding onto. 

 

Recently things have been extra tough due to your leg and me doing what i’ve done has only gone and burnt anything that’s remained. I really don’t mean it when I lash out and I can promise you I have been really really trying my best for us. I really did want it to work this time.

 

Seeing myself cause this to you and us is excruciating to go through. I don’t think i’m gonna ever forgive myself for what i’ve done to us. I have to be the one to live with this the rest of my life knowing i’ve pushed someone away who was genuinely good for me and my soul. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Thank you for introducing me to Islam.”

 

last night I felt suicidal, I never want to live my life without him. I’ve completely destroyed us with my insecurities. Please be careful responding ti this post as I am still extremely fragile with my mental health and going through all sorts of shame and guilt right now 😞

[Redyroo]

Struggling to eat, haven’t slept, feel like i’m living in hell

[Batya33]

I suggest you contact your doctor and/or a mental health/suicide help line.  I am very sorry you're struggling.

[DarkCh0c0]

OP this is not on you. A relationship takes two people to work.

Your previous threads are full of red flags regarding your ex, but you just choose not to LISTEN to our advice or your own inner voice. You are incompatible and he's not good for you.

And, I'm sorry you feel suicidal. I really think you should call a helpline and start therapy asap.

Please know that once you leave him, there will be new beginnings for you 💚 

And please remember to put yourself first in life. If you don't, no one will. Not your bf, family, friends. You put YOU first. You got this!

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry for the breakup. 

Your intentions are good regarding your remorseful letter.  However, if I were you, I would condense it so it is shorter and more brief.

I would write this instead:

"I'm sorry for what I did by being overly dramatic and difficult.  I shouldn't have been petty with arguing.  I feel terrible.  I shouldn't have been that way last night.  I know I was wrong.  I can't take it back and I understand.  I'm sorry I hurt and disappointed you.

I'm sorry for being a pain while your leg was healing.  I should've known better and I now know. 

I've learned painful lessons the hard way. 

I'm so sorry for losing you and will always cherish you in my heart.  Thank you for introducing me to Islam.  I wish you all the best in your life.  Sincerely,  Your Name."

I hope you seek psychological help with your suicidal thoughts.  Even though it's hard for you to see this, it's not the end of the world nor the end of you!  You will get through this and survive.  Learn from your past mistakes, become a better person and know it was not all in vain.  You've since gained wisdom which was your key takeaway for life. 

I've always admired people who've messed up, admitted to it, felt guilty, apologized and have a conscience.   For me,  sometimes sincere amends have been successful and other times, I simply did not wish to risk getting hurt again so I dissolved and exited the relationship including some relatives and in-laws. 

Most people in my life are the complete opposite of you.  They have no qualms behaving very badly, getting away with it unscathed, continue acting like creatures and completely disregard the feelings of others.  I've since cut them off or more like slashed them out of my life. 

You are a good person for having a guilty conscience.  Many people in my life are unconscionable. 

I did not read your other threads.  I agree with DarkCh0c0.  If the dialogue lacked empathy from both sides, then both sides needed to have a healthy rapport.  Cooperation is required from both sides in order for conversations to be calm, intelligent and peaceful.  Many conversations, discussions or arguments can go awry quickly if both sides can't and won't act with maturity and an unspoiled attitude.  Don't completely blame yourself in all scenarios.  Dissect and then you will know what went wrong whether it was all on you or if he partook in a conversation by shutting it down instead of working with you.   Shutting you down, ultimatums and dominance is a form of control and manipulation.  Beware.  I know all the tricks. 

 

 

 

[Redyroo]

I updated it: 

 

If this is the end, which I feel like it is, then I would like to share my thoughts.

 

I’m so incredibly sorry for all the pain and annoyance and frustration I have caused us. It’s happened too many times and I understand why you are sick of it. 

 

I feel like since your leg and since I took my Shahadah our relationship started to deteriorate. If it wasn’t me it was you. But I definitely initiated a lot more often.

 

Words cannot describe just how horrible, shameful and guilty I feel for doing this to us. I’ve destroyed the love, memories and the goodness we shared. 

 

I will use this experience to try do better for my future. I know it doesn’t seem it but I never meant to hurt you intentionally and I can promise you I really was trying my best for us ever since you went to Cardiff. I really did want it to work this time.

 

Seeing myself cause this to you and us is excruciating to go through. I don’t think i’m gonna ever forgive myself for what i’ve done to us. I have to be the one to live with this the rest of my life knowing i’ve pushed someone away who was genuinely good for me and my soul. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Thank you for introducing me to Islam and I just want you to be happy. If you no longer want to be with me I will understand and respect your decision. 

[1a1a]

Fellow insecure person here, just solidarity. Yes you have a duty of care to work on your insecurity and work on your communication (if you’re stirring up fights are you recreating patterns from childhood or is it something specific about this relationship that’s not working?) But also, imagine having a partner who was self assured enough they could reassure us when we feel insecure? Imagine if the roles were reversed? Would you have extended more compassion to your insecure mate?

[MissCanuck]

I would not send any message at all, OP. 

You are completely over-explaining yourself and pandering to him at this point, and you need to take a deep breath and step back. 

This is not all your fault, so you should stop blaming yourself for all of this. He isn't exactly showing you that he regrets his role in the slow crumble of this relationship, is he? You are in panic mode, I realize, and back-pedalling like crazy. However, the onus is not all on you to make a relationship work and thus it's not all on you that it's falling apart. 

My vote? No letters. No messages. Make a call to a health-care provider or crisis intervention services intead, so you manage your distress and suicidal thoughts. That is where you need the most urgent care and support right now. 

[Redyroo]

6 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

Fellow insecure person here, just solidarity. Yes you have a duty of care to work on your insecurity and work on your communication (if you’re stirring up fights are you recreating patterns from childhood or is it something specific about this relationship that’s not working?) But also, imagine having a partner who was self assured enough they could reassure us when we feel insecure? Imagine if the roles were reversed? Would you have extended more compassion to your insecure mate?

Exactly, I think he used to be reassuring but only on a good day, for the most part ai feel like he has quickly lost patience or got counter triggered as a result. I totally agree with this. I need a partner who has the patience and understanding 

[Redyroo]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I would not send any message at all, OP. 

You are completely over-explaining yourself and pandering to him at this point, and you need to take a deep breath and step back. 

This is not all your fault, so you should stop blaming yourself for all of this. He isn't exactly showing you that he regrets his role in the slow crumble of this relationship, is he? You are in panic mode, I realize, and back-pedalling like crazy. However, the onus is not all on you to make a relationship work and thus it's not all on you that it's falling apart. 

My vote? No letters. No messages. Make a call to a health-care provider or crisis intervention services intead, so you manage your distress and suicidal thoughts. That is where you need the most urgent care and support right now. 

Thank you! I really really appreciate this response. I feel like that response has given me a lot of comfort, thank you!! ♥️ It felt like a much needed hug

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

Thank you! I really really appreciate this response. I feel like that response has given me a lot of comfort, thank you!! ♥️ It felt like a much needed hug

I am very pleased you felt a little better after reading my response. 

Taking care of yourself is more important than anything else right now. You got this. 

[Kwothe28]

I would also advise against sending anything. Whether you are sincere, want better closure or maybe hoping to get him back, sorry, but its highly unlikely your words would be accepted on a positive note. He decided to broke up in an argument, sparring your feelings werent his highest priorities. Even if he didnt, in my experience, those kind of stuff go awry. Meaning that you probably wont get any comfort from him. And just more arguments. Which would make a whole healing process more difficult. 

Leave it alone. You are blaming yourself and that is OK from some standpoint. But the truth is, you noticed he was cold a long time ago and this was just something of an excuse to break things up. There is no need for some kind of big apologies. Give yourself some slack and in time move on. Sometimes we need to get ourselves a closure. Because in most cases, other person wont give that to us.

[Cherylyn]

I actually agree with others.  Perhaps sending a letter is not such a good idea.  He didn't take responsibility for his role in the breakup.  Usually a gracious man is humble and admits to his participation with his personality and character defects and incurable flaws.  Usually a real man meets you at least half way instead of giving you threats and ultimatums which is control and cutting deals. 

Let it go so both of you can move on with your lives.  Live and learn on your part while at the same time, he needs to work on himself, too. 

Two people cannot have a relationship based upon forcing two vastly different personality, characters and values.  Too many couples have high expectations of "I can change him or her."  NO.  Absolutely not.  Either both people are compatible and on the same page or a miserable situation only grows worse by the minute.  Can't force it. 

[DarkCh0c0]

Adding my vote for you to not send the message.

Keep it to yourself. And, again, please find a good therapist who will help you work through your emotions.

Once you'll have some space away from this relationship, you'll start to gain some clarity on why he was not a good match and you'll be surprised at how much better you'll feel with time.

 

[Redyroo]

6 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Adding my vote for you to not send the message.

Keep it to yourself. And, again, please find a good therapist who will help you work through your emotions.

Once you'll have some space away from this relationship, you'll start to gain some clarity on why he was not a match and you'll be surprised at how much better you'll feel with time.

 

Thanks so much! I hope so, i’m already starting to feel clarify given peoples responses. I’m being too hard on myself, he could’ve been more empathetic and he wasn’t

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Redyroo said:

Thank you for introducing me to Islam.”

last night I felt suicidal, I never want to live my life without him. I’ve completely destroyed us with my insecurities.

Sorry this happened. However it would be best not to send this.

It would be best to address the suicidal ideation. Call a mental health hotline (988 in the US) for support, someone to listen and help finding a therapist, psychiatrist or mental health clinic for ongoing support.

 Keep in mind getting involved in a dead-end relationship to begin with indicates that things are turbulent in your life and emotions.

You're struggling because you precipitated fight to get his attention and that is an ineffective way to cope with a relationship that had way too many ifs and obstacles.

[DarkCh0c0]

@Redyroothat's good to hear.

Please take space and go LC(low contact) with him. You know you are in an emotional time right now and he'll be noise/ a distraction to your healing journey.

I promise you, you can live without him. I promise you, if you give yourself love, compassion, and good therapy, you'll look back and be happy to have walked away even when it was hard. You'll be proud of yourself. In fact, you should be proud now for leaving and putting your own happiness first 💪💚

[boltnrun]

Please do not send that message.

It comes across as a not so subtle attempt to get him to change his mind and take you back.  Groveling does nothing but cause the other person to lose respect for you.  And without respect there can be no love.

Please realize he is not the right one for you.  It's OK.  You gave it a good try, but it turns out someone else is the right fit for you.  It just isn't him.

[Redyroo]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Please do not send that message.

It comes across as a not so subtle attempt to get him to change his mind and take you back.  Groveling does nothing but cause the other person to lose respect for you.  And without respect there can be no love.

Please realize he is not the right one for you.  It's OK.  You gave it a good try, but it turns out someone else is the right fit for you.  It just isn't him.

Thank you I needed to hear this. I certainly don’t want my message to come across this way so thank you! 
 

and also thank you to everyone voting for me not to send it. I trust that it is the right decision and I am not reaching out

[Rose Mosse]

11 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

Thank you I needed to hear this. I certainly don’t want my message to come across this way so thank you! 
 

and also thank you to everyone voting for me not to send it. I trust that it is the right decision and I am not reaching out

I also agree on not sending a letter. Less focus on what isn’t working. Focus on what can and does work, put more energy into you and your life going forward.

[Redyroo]

I’ve just woken up and feel like i’ve been hit by a bus. Heck, at least with physical pain I can concentrate on it and feel it. Psychological pain is this thing that is there but you can’t exactly pinpoint where it is. I feel ill, sick. I’m grieving and it’s only one day of no contact. Idk how i’m going to get through this. I’m scared. 

[Redyroo]

When we last talked it wasn’t exactly a breakup. He had said he wants a break and I had replied “are you sure?” And his response was, I need to sleep on it, my emotions are all over the place right now” and since then, we haven’t talked for a full day 😞 So i’m left in this uknown space of “is he cooling off?” Or is this the break in motion?” And Idk which one it is

[Wiseman2]

Just like all his other oblique maneuvers such as keeping you hidden from family and insisting he convert you, this is more sidestepping.

It's time to take care of yourself and not seek out more pain from him .

 

[Redyroo]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just like all his other oblique maneuvers such as keeping you hidden from family and insisting he convert you, this is more sidestepping.

It's time to take care of yourself and not seek out more pain from him .

 

What do you mean sidestepping? And he didn’t insist on converting me. He never once forced me. Just that it was a requirement for marriage.

[DarkCh0c0]

@RedyrooI think you should focus on boundaries here.

This man thinks he can keep you on a hook and you're left wondering if he'll take you back. Don't be that desperate. You DON'T need him and you certainly don't want someone who treats you and your love like disposable trash.

So, please, for the love and respect of yourself, don't take his BS anymore. You're not an item off the shelf for him to pick up.

You're a woman with strengths and weaknesses and you fell hard for a man who hid you from his family and has done nothing but telling you "you are not enough. You need to change for me".

That is NOT supportive. That is NOT healthy.

A healthy couple would check if they're compatible, and if they're not, go on separate ways respectfully. Not try to bend each other into a twisted idea.

Boundaries OP. Boundaries now. Don't respond to him anymore. Focus on YOU. LOVE you.