Update: I think that’s us finally over

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Redyroo said:

I’d much rather have him actually cheat on me than me being the reason

This tells me you have never experienced the gut-wrenching pain of infidelity. It is not the better of two evils here, so to speak. 

2 hours ago, Redyroo said:

Whenever I have reach out in the past it has worked.

Define "worked." You two are not a successful couple who enjoy a healthy, mutually-fulfilling relationship. So it hasn't worked - you just keep cycling through the same dysfunction over and over and now here you are again. 

[Redyroo]

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

This tells me you have never experienced the gut-wrenching pain of infidelity. It is not the better of two evils here, so to speak. 

Define "worked." You two are not a successful couple who enjoy a healthy, mutually-fulfilling relationship. So it hasn't worked - you just keep cycling through the same dysfunction over and over and now here you are again. 

Maybe I could message to say goodbye and then block him to move on. I’m slowly starting to realise that being apart is for the best.

I feel it would give me peace to say goodbye as I would rather it end amicably than the way it has currently. The way it has ended currently is very abrupt and unexpected. 

[gamon]

7 hours ago, Redyroo said:

I was thinking of sending this actually instead:

 

“Hey, I would like to clarify what is happening right now. Things were heated when we last talked and when I asked you about a break you said you would sleep on it. Thus far it seems like we are on a break so I just want to clarify. It’s been 5 years together and i’m hoping at least something we learned in those 5 years is clear cut communication.”

Cringeworthy.

It's clear you're still begging and pleading for him to come back.

It's giving him all the power. It comes across as desperate, unattractive and self depreciating.

It's just BAD. No matter how much you try to make it sound calm and watered down.

 

Send him nothing.

 

 

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, Redyroo said:

Maybe I could message to say goodbye

Do you two never actually speak on the phone? 

[boltnrun]

Just now, Redyroo said:

Maybe I could message to say goodbye and then block him to move on. I’m slowly starting to realise that being apart is for the best.

I feel it would give me peace to say goodbye as I would rather it end amicably than the way it has currently. The way it has ended currently is very abrupt and unexpected. 

What goodbye message are you proposing?

I suggest something like "This time apart has made me realize that while we are both good people, we just aren't suited to be in a relationship. I wish you the very best for the future."

[Redyroo]

38 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Do you two never actually speak on the phone? 

No because he is at home so can’t talk because his family didn’t know about me. It sounds so bad now writing this out

[Redyroo]

38 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What goodbye message are you proposing?

I suggest something like "This time apart has made me realize that while we are both good people, we just aren't suited to be in a relationship. I wish you the very best for the future."

Yes I really like this message

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Redyroo said:

No because he is at home so can’t talk because his family didn’t know about me. It sounds so bad now writing this out

Your boyfriend of FIVE YEARS won't talk to you on the phone because he doesn't want his family to know about you.

Yes, that does sound "so bad".

This is the relationship you're trying so hard to cling to? The relationship that YOU are taking responsibility for it not working out?

Will you research online or lower cost therapy? You've dodged that question multiple times.

[gamon]

27 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

  his family didn’t know about me. It sounds so bad now writing this out

It never occurred to you how messed up that was before you spelled the words out using your keyboard?

 

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

No because he is at home so can’t talk because his family didn’t know about me. 

You wasted half a decade of your life in this. Why continue?

[Redyroo]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You wasted half a decade of your life in this. Why continue?

Because I loved him 😔 

[Redyroo]

5 minutes ago, gamon said:

It never occurred to you how messed up that was before you spelled the words out using your keyboard?

 

No because it is normal in Islam. A lot of people don’t know a lot about Islam

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Redyroo said:

No because it is normal in Islam. A lot of people don’t know a lot about Islam

In Islam the men hide their love relationships from their families for FIVE YEARS? They refuse to talk on the phone with their love partner? That's an actual teaching?

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

A lot of people don’t know a lot about Islam

Neither do you. Disrespecting you, drinking until 3 am is Not a religion. You're brainwashed.

[Kwothe28]

1 minute ago, Redyroo said:

No because it is normal in Islam. A lot of people don’t know a lot about Islam

I dated a Muslim. If it continued, yes, religion would be an issue because in order to get accepted and marry you would have to take on Islam. Which you already did. But its not a problem to be introduced if its a long relationship with a tendency to marry. After 5 years not to get introduced. That just shows how much little he thought about you and that he didnt wanted to introduce you.

Also I dont really think he cares so much about tradition if he acts like he acts. It was probably just an excuse for you. Again, after 5 years, family should have known about you. If he planned to have anything more then just passing relationship with you.

Also, please dont send anything. That guy doesnt deserve you pleading him and apologizing for anything.

[gamon]

18 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

No because it is normal in Islam. A lot of people don’t know a lot about Islam

I don't WANT to know about Islam. The inference that I'm somehow ignorant or naive and you've got it all figured out and it's normal to act this way is very troubling. Another poster used the term "brainwashed", while that might be a bit over the top, you've certainly allowed yourself to be manipulated and taken advantage of.

People use religion as a lame excuse for all sorts of bad behaviors. 

 

[MissCanuck]

20 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

No because it is normal in Islam. A lot of people don’t know a lot about Islam

That's why you should not be in a relationship in which someone needs to keep you a secret - for any reason. 

[DarkCh0c0]

22 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

No because it is normal in Islam. A lot of people don’t know a lot about Islam

It's NOT normal.

It's NOT.

He convinced you it is.

I say this as someone from the area. That's all I'll say as I'm anonymous.

Can I ask what country are you from? Are you in a Muslim or mixed country? Who the hell in their right mind told you that this is OK? How come you lowered your bar so low to accept this?? Where are your dating and relationships standards? Dignity? Your own individual you?

 

Girl, don't call him anymore. Block him everywhere and change the locks of your place. Dump his stuff and fake gifts in the trash. Time to do some clean up!!! 🍷

[Redyroo]

29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Neither do you. Disrespecting you, drinking until 3 am is Not a religion. You're brainwashed.

He wasn’t drinking. He is muslim. He doesn’t drink or take drugs

[Redyroo]

1 minute ago, Redyroo said:

He wasn’t drinking. He is muslim. He doesn’t drink or take drugs

Okay guys you have really drilled it into me now. I realise how deep this has gone on. Jeez, It really is hard and f*cked up having to realise I put up with it this long. I don’t like facing how I put up with it that long. It f*cking stings but I know y’all are right. Deep down my higher self knew

[boltnrun]

Just now, Redyroo said:

Okay guys you have really drilled it into me now. I realise how deep this has gone on. Jeez, It really is hard and f*cked up having to realise I put up with it this long. I don’t like facing how I put up with it that long. It f*cking stings but I know y’all are right. Deep down my higher self knew

I'm just trying to figure out which Islamic teaching instructs men to hide their love relationships from their families for five years. I do have a Muslim friend so I could ask him if he was taught to hide the woman he loves from his family.

Again, you are trying to find anything that would justify continuing to accept this behavior. Or something that makes it all your fault so you can send him a message groveling and pleading for him to give you another chance. But that is working against your own self interest.

I can see you're very good at ignoring things that are difficult to answer, such as my question asking why you haven't researched online or low cost therapy. Or if your psychology classes recommend staying in the wrong relationship as a means to avoid dealing with your personal issues of low self worth.

Look, we have enough exterior things that are trying to work against us. We don't need to be doing that to ourselves.

Help is available but you have to want it. 

[Redyroo]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

I'm just trying to figure out which Islamic teaching instructs men to hide their love relationships from their families for five years. I do have a Muslim friend so I could ask him if he was taught to hide the woman he loves from his family.

Again, you are trying to find anything that would justify continuing to accept this behavior. Or something that makes it all your fault so you can send him a message groveling and pleading for him to give you another chance. But that is working against your own self interest.

I can see you're very good at ignoring things that are difficult to answer, such as my question asking why you haven't researched online or low cost therapy. Or if your psychology classes recommend staying in the wrong relationship as a means to avoid dealing with your personal issues of low self worth.

Look, we have enough exterior things that are trying to work against us. We don't need to be doing that to ourselves.

Help is available but you have to want it. 

I’ve concluded that i’m going to phone uo the docs tomorrow (couldn’t today) to get an appointment and hopefully see if I can see a psychiatrist. 

[boltnrun]

Just now, Redyroo said:

I’ve concluded that i’m going to phone uo the docs tomorrow (couldn’t today) to get an appointment and hopefully see if I can see a psychiatrist. 

That's an excellent first step.

Please also understand that sometimes the first therapist isn't the right fit. It's like a relationship. There needs to be a good fit.

I hope you can reach a point where you realize you have value. I hope you come to realize you don't need someone else to determine if you are a worthwhile person. You can do that all on your own. Being single isn't "frightening" but can be a great means for personal growth.

[Redyroo]

Just now, Redyroo said:

I’ve concluded that i’m going to phone uo the docs tomorrow (couldn’t today) to get an appointment and hopefully see if I can see a psychiatrist. 

Couldn’t today because of the queens funeral here in the uk. And it’s because in Islam it is forbidden to date before marriage. So if we were to marry, he was going to tell then but I wasn’t ready to marry. He said the same goes for muslim women and muslim men. I have checked this with many if muslims friends and they have all confirmed this is true. There is this one famous celebrity who I know who was on the uk programme “lose women” I think her name is Samina, I may be wrong but she hid her now husband, from her family for 4 years. I also met another muslim man who said he did it for 8 years and they eventually married. It is pretty common in Islamic relationships, especially if the family are strict. I’m not justifying his behaviour but just saying this is why I accepted it. This is what I learned from so many of my muslim friends. Ofc all my white, non religious friends were against it. 

[boltnrun]

It doesn't matter what other Muslims or your friends think. What matters is how YOU feel about being kept a secret for so many years.