Update: I think that’s us finally over

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Redyroo said:

I’ve made a plan to send a goodbye message by week 1. This is to help me finally move on and show him i’m no longer having any hope that we will get back together. It will be a shorter message and one where I take responsibility for my half. 

I would send nothing - you give yourself closure.  Especially not in writing, hiding behind a screen. Write it for yourself as part of journaling or write it out and tear it up.  He will know by your silence that it's over and his actions show he is not enthusiastic and sure about being with you - never ever settle for less than that enthusiasm.

[Redyroo]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would send nothing - you give yourself closure.  Especially not in writing, hiding behind a screen. Write it for yourself as part of journaling or write it out and tear it up.  He will know by your silence that it's over and his actions show he is not enthusiastic and sure about being with you - never ever settle for less than that enthusiasm.

Thank you @Batya33, I will try my very best, this will be one emotional ride

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

Thank you @Batya33, I will try my very best, this will be one emotional ride

You're very welcome. Trying is not where it's at. It's about doing.  Trying will allow you to make more excuses. Of course your emotions are involved -that's normal.  

[MissCanuck]

59 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

Aye but have you ever been in a relationship 5 years and who was your first? 

 I have, many years ago now. 

And I was the one who ended it. It's not easy but when you know something isn't working anymore, it is so much better to walk away than drag out the inevitable end and make it unnecessarily more complicated. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

 I have, many years ago now. 

And I was the one who ended it. It's not easy but when you know something isn't working anymore, it is so much better to walk away than drag out the inevitable end and make it unnecessarily more complicated. 

I have too. My first real long term boyfriend was high school - couple of years, amicable break up.  I had an LTR in my early-mid 20s which was drama-filled and despite no signs at all of the issue -turned out he was emotionally distant because he was fighting his own heart and mind -he was gay and did not want to be or at least wanted a traditional heterosexual marriage even if he cheated.  At least he thought he did.  He never cheated on me. 

After I declined his marriage proposal (still having no idea -and I'd been so so in love with him -he was also my first!) - he finally accepted himself, and about 4-5 years later met his future husband.  We each married the same year (2000s) -and each married men of course.  He has now been with his partner/spouse almost 25 years. I believe he is very emotionally present lol now that he has been with the right person all these years. His family was quite dysfunctional too. 

But he followed his heart, accepted himself and is doing fine from all I can tell -we lost touch for years but 10 years after we broke up and were in very limited contact he met up with me to tell me he was gay and in love with a man -his future husband.  Like I said I never knew, I never saw signs and we had great chemistry and passion and we were not right together (and that was likely why!).  It was so hard for me to get over him and to go through the drama of our relationship. I get it.  

[DarkCh0c0]

@Redyroosure. Feel free to dm me on this site!

A lot of us here have come in a cry for help and then heard some not so pleasant but good advice here (or tough love as they call it). But, most made it out great and share how they are happy and have healthy long term marriages. It's a very inspiring forum.

Feel free to write here as well as much as you need to.

When I left my ex, I wrote every update here and each person gave me a slap in the face lol when everyone told me "Block and delete" him, I was like nooo, no way.

Way. I did it haha. Once I cut full contact with him and his family/friends circle, I understood the mechanism behind all the mess I was in and found a great therapist who helped me get back on my feet and see why I stayed for years despite being unsatisfied. We all have different reasons to stay in a bad relationship, which is also why everyone recommended you look for a good therapist.

[Redyroo]

3 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@Redyroosure. Feel free to dm me on this site!

A lot of us here have come in a cry for help and then heard some not so pleasant but good advice here (or tough love as they call it). But, most made it out great and share how they are happy and have healthy long term marriages. It's a very inspiring forum.

Feel free to write here as well as much as you need to.

When I left my ex, I wrote every update here and each person gave me a slap in the face lol when everyone told me "Block and delete" him, I was like nooo, no way.

Way. I did it haha. Once I cut full contact with him and his family/friends circle, I understood the mechanism behind all the mess I was in and found a great therapist who helped me get back on my feet and see why I stayed for years despite being unsatisfied. We all have different reasons to stay in a bad relationship, which is also why everyone recommended you look for a good therapist.

Thanks for this, it’s true, upon reflection deep down I wasn’t happy. There was too many things I accepted that deep down I knew I wasn’t happy with but I went along with it because he was choosing to stay with me and to me that meant I was enough because this person was willing to stay no matter what bs I put him through. Also because I do think I was in love with him/attached. I have been to therapy twice and it helped but the same pattern has stayed so I don’t know if I should go again. I’m thinking maybe a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist would be better but it’s the money i’m concerned about. 
 

Also regarding your situation. When it ended, did anyone reach out or was that it?

[DarkCh0c0]

@Redyroothen you didn't find a good therapist.

The last year when I was with my ex, I was struggling. My therapist was not helpful in any way. She didn't push me to reflect, tell me what I needed to hear nor point me to a different direction.

When I was in crisis and was about to leave my ex, I decided to try out 2-3 new online therapists. The first one in one session made me realize that I wasn't the problem and I needed to leave. In one session. I've been with him since and I'm forever thankful to having tried new therapists.

35 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

Also regarding your situation. When it ended, did anyone reach out or was that it?

So, I broke up with him. He didn't accept it and I came here in a cry for help to find a solution. I learned here that it takes one person to break up and so I made a plan, packed my stuff and left him without notice.

Ofc, he reached out. It was because he didn't want to stay single and wanted me to stay, go with his plans without considering my own needs as an equal partners and also he wanted me to give him the benefits of the gf (the sex, cooking, attention, ect.) while I was miserable.

I spoke to him one last time because I thought ah well, I did dump him out of sight. He was just being as selfish and manipulative as usual and I blocked him again. Instead of saying "I love you. I'm sorry you are upset. You didn't deserve this. Let me make it up to you" he went on on how bad I made him feel.

I blocked him everywhere and eventually got a restraining order against him because he was restless and adamant on finding/controlling me. It would be hard for him to start over and find another woman to put up with his BS act.

I never got back to him. Idc what happens to him. What matters is my peace of mind and happiness, and I'm able to provide it for myself in a healthy way now. It was foreign territory at first, but I learned how to do so and it's worth every second of fighting to get myself back.

[DarkCh0c0]

As you are going through healing, I suggest listening to a podcast topic/struggle you relate to from https://christinehassler.com/podcast/page/2/ @Redyroo I recommend them 100% . You can even participate and reflect while listening to the coach Christine in the podcast.

[boltnrun]

Have you googled online therapy? You keep mentioning the excuse of the cost but haven't mentioned looking for options.

Are you using the cost as an excuse not to attend therapy?

It's hard work, accepting responsibility for your own choices. But it's the best possible way to find your happiness. 

The wrong way is to keep trying to cling to a guy who never treated you like a loving, supportive partner would.

Please don't send a letter or message blaming yourself. Remember when I said without respect there can be no love? If you grovel before him any small amount of respect he might still have for you would be gone forever. And all you would gain is a few more days or weeks in a bad relationship. Not worth it, IMO.

[Rose Mosse]

Don’t contact him. It’s a wasted effort and there’s nothing left to prove. Every time you feel like doing so do something else. You’ll just have to retrain yourself into responding differently to that impulse.

[Redyroo]

8 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Don’t contact him. It’s a wasted effort and there’s nothing left to prove. Every time you feel like doing so do something else. You’ll just have to retrain yourself into responding differently to that impulse.

I saw this post from someone who was going through something similar and it is convincing me to reach out. But I’m still staying strong

[Rose Mosse]

5 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

I saw this post from someone who was going through something similar and it is convincing me to reach out. But I’m still staying strong

I’d be conservative about the type of help being sought. There are all kinds of people out there. Are you any of them? No. You’re yourself. Find your own thoughts no matter how hard that is.

[Redyroo]

3 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I’d be conservative about the type of help being sought. There are all kinds of people out there. Are you any of them? No. You’re yourself. Find your own thoughts no matter how hard that is.

My own thoughts are telling me to reach out but everyone on this forum, including friends have told me not to 😞. Whenever I have reach out in the past it has worked.

[Rose Mosse]

1 minute ago, Redyroo said:

My own thoughts are telling me to reach out but everyone on this forum, including friends have told me not to 😞. Whenever I have reach out in the past it has worked.

When I have an idea I like playing it out in my head before actually acting on it. How do you see it working and for how long? 

[Redyroo]

Just now, Rose Mosse said:

When I have an idea I like playing it out in my head before actually acting on it. How do you see it working and for how long? 

If I reached out, I can imagine him saying he’s either fully done or that he needs more space to figure it out. Or, best case scenario, we make up and I can use what I have learned to fully trust and no longer doubt him. 

But there’s a part of me that’s thinking, do I want to go back after this? I don’t think I will be happy. As I said before, throughout the relationship I had many doubts about if he was the one for me. Thanks so much for this advice, it was really helpful and I need to play on ideas more often! ♥️🙏

[Rose Mosse]

4 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

If I reached out, I can imagine him saying he’s either fully done or that he needs more space to figure it out. Or, best case scenario, we make up and I can use what I have learned to fully trust and no longer doubt him. 

But there’s a part of me that’s thinking, do I want to go back after this? I don’t think I will be happy. As I said before, throughout the relationship I had many doubts about if he was the one for me. Thanks so much for this advice, it was really helpful and I need to play on ideas more often! ♥️🙏

I’m glad it’s helping. That’s the difference between an impulse or thought and a plan. Go through step by step and think through about the outcome. Happiness and peace of mind are the goal. Try not to have discord chipping away at your peace of mind. You’re not really living that way. You have a lot of time left and a whole life to live. 

[Redyroo]

4 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I’m glad it’s helping. That’s the difference between an impulse or thought and a plan. Go through step by step and think through about the outcome. Happiness and peace of mind are the goal. Try not to have discord chipping away at your peace of mind. You’re not really living that way. You have a lot of time left and a whole life to live. 

I think I will use this as one of my coping mechanisms

[boltnrun]

Have you yet realized trying to force this relationship with this guy is the CAUSE of your emotional distress, not the cure for it?

You keep scrambling to try to find a way to stay in the relationship, but why? So you won't feel "deformed"? That's a bandaid on a cut artery, speaking metaphorically.

In your psychology studies, is it recommended to continue to hide from your issues or to look for healthy ways to deal with and manage them?

[Redyroo]

10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Have you yet realized trying to force this relationship with this guy is the CAUSE of your emotional distress, not the cure for it?

You keep scrambling to try to find a way to stay in the relationship, but why? So you won't feel "deformed"? That's a bandaid on a cut artery, speaking metaphorically.

In your psychology studies, is it recommended to continue to hide from your issues or to look for healthy ways to deal with and manage them?

I just can’t stand being the reason that our 5 year relationship has died. I’d much rather have him actually cheat on me than me being the reason

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

I just can’t stand being the reason that our 5 year relationship has died. I’d much rather have him actually cheat on me than me being the reason

You're not the reason.

Have you completely forgotten all the things he's done that have you feeling insecure and unloved?

You're ignoring the facts because you can't think of a better way to soothe your anxiety and fear. I promise you, this relationship isn't the answer.

[Redyroo]

18 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You're not the reason.

Have you completely forgotten all the things he's done that have you feeling insecure and unloved?

You're ignoring the facts because you can't think of a better way to soothe your anxiety and fear. I promise you, this relationship isn't the answer.

The one thing I can think of, which to me was the main thing and that was not being able to meet his family and them not knowing about me. I was open minded enough to try accept it because I was open minded and understanding of his religion. He said even it were a muslim woman he wouldn’t have told his family. I talked to many other muslims on this and they agree that they would do the same and have done because of religion. Other than that I can’t really think of what else he’s done. Maybe not being able to tolerate my emotions when I’m fearful and instead running away/shutting down. But then again I just saw that as his thing that he needed to work on. Just like I have to work on my trust. I’m sure if it were him posting about this situation, so many people would be telling him “yeah this woman seems like a massive red flag if she can never seem to trust you” etc etc. we both had things we needed to work on and I wanted to work on them with him :(. Sorry for the rant, needed that off my chest. Thanks for still supporting me throughout this journey 

[boltnrun]

More evidence you two are incompatible.

Have you ever had a job you hated and that caused you distress? Did you think you AND the job just needed to "work on" things and it would all work out perfectly? Or did you realize the job was a bad fit?

You two are not the right fit.

I guarantee, the longer you keep trying to force this the longer you'll continue to be distressed.

Are you absolutely determined to forego therapy in favor of groveling before this guy and trying to stay in this incompatible relationship?

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Redyroo said:

The one thing I can think of, which to me was the main thing and that was not being able to meet his family and them not knowing about me. I was open minded enough to try accept it because I was open minded and understanding of his religion. He said even it were a muslim woman he wouldn’t have told his family.

So he's not serious about you.

[Batya33]

It wasn't a 5 year relationship.  It was 5 years of mostly on again off again where you were kept a secret from his family. you're focusing on this as if it was a 5 year exclusive, serious relationship, progressing in closeness and seriousness - your focus is misplaced and it's hampering you from moving on.