Jump to content

Update: I think that’s us finally over


Redyroo
 Share

Recommended Posts

English Questions and Answers For D...
English Questions and Answers For Daily Conversation - Part 01
1 hour ago, Redyroo said:

this is literally what my subconscious and inner child feels. For me, being single makes me feel unattractive, unloved, clearly i’m deformed or somethings not right. 

So it confirms that you might also be trauma bonded and suffer from low self-worth.

1 hour ago, Redyroo said:

I’m an outcast, damaged goods, nobody wants me.

Actually, you'd be surprised to learn from therapy that you learned this from somewhere and it's not the truth.

When I say learned, I mean your home and childhood (or school/church/ect.) You interiorised a script that is actually not yours. I wouldn't be surprised if you were born in a dysfunctional household.

That's why, it's very very important to shop for a good therapist that will help you unpack this baggage and learn how to become a healthier version of you.

Forget the guy you were with. You have a whole new healing and growth chapter that could open up for you with the right tools!

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

53 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

It’s an automatic process and I know I’m definitely not the only one. A lot of people in fact do this.

And how is that working for you?

Staying unhappy because you think others do the same makes no sense.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

And how is that working for you?

Staying unhappy because you think others do the same makes no sense.

Definitely not working for me. By saying that about other people doing it just helps me feel better about myself for doing it

Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

So it confirms that you might also be trauma bonded and suffer from low self-worth.

Actually, you'd be surprised to learn from therapy that you learned this from somewhere and it's not the truth.

When I say learned, I mean your home and childhood (or school/church/ect.) You interiorised a script that is actually not yours. I wouldn't be surprised if you were born in a dysfunctional household.

That's why, it's very very important to shop for a good therapist that will help you unpack this baggage and learn how to become a healthier version of you.

Forget the guy you were with. You have a whole new healing and growth chapter that could open up for you with the right tools!

I definitely think I will actually. It is needed. Thank you for your kind words and compassion, it helps a lot 🥲♥️

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

55 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

Yeah exactly. You’re right. I constantly look outside myself and how other people think/feel/act around me to determine my worth. It’s an automatic process and I know I’m definitely not the only one. A lot of people in fact do this. Especially anxiously attached individuals. 

A lot of people smoke cigarettes too and claim it's automatic.  It's not automatic.  The feeling is -the reaction is not.  You control the reaction.

For example, I now get stared at sometimes because I am in the minority of people wearing masks in stores.  I don't let it bother me.  I've certainly been reacted to in a certain way in certain situations because I am female.  Or because I had my baby with me.

When I was pregnant people at work reacted by assuming I'd come back to work 5 days after delivering my baby -that was how they saw me at work.  I didn't let it determine my plans or question my plans as far as working outside the home.

You get to be your own person.  People who show they are their own person do much better in the dating world and form healthier connections.  IMO.  

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, Redyroo said:

Definitely not working for me. By saying that about other people doing it just helps me feel better about myself for doing it

Instead of using an unhealthy coping mechanism that will keep you stuck in a pit of low self worth, how about using some of what you've learned during your studies to find professional help?

Have you Googled "online therapy"?

I suffered from debilitating anxiety and depression during the worst of the pandemic.  Instead of telling myself "I'm going to stay anxious and depressed because a lot of other people are too!" and staying miserable I sought professional help.  I am infinitely better than I was two years ago.  It's like night and day.

You're too young to just choose to feel awful for the rest of your life.  I bet if you got some help and stuck with it you'd find your life improving in ways you can't even imagine right now.

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

A lot of people smoke cigarettes too and claim it's automatic.  It's not automatic.  The feeling is -the reaction is not.  You control the reaction.

For example, I now get stared at sometimes because I am in the minority of people wearing masks in stores.  I don't let it bother me.  I've certainly been reacted to in a certain way in certain situations because I am female.  Or because I had my baby with me.

When I was pregnant people at work reacted by assuming I'd come back to work 5 days after delivering my baby -that was how they saw me at work.  I didn't let it determine my plans or question my plans as far as working outside the home.

You get to be your own person.  People who show they are their own person do much better in the dating world and form healthier connections.  IMO.  

 

I’d love to change my reaction but really struggle to. When I am triggered I become unconscious and before I know it, i’ve convinced myself to react in a way that damages the relationship. I really want to get out of this pattern but it is extremely difficult. U know how everyone has lessons to learn on this earth? Well I definitely believe this is one of mine- Knowing how not to react when emotionally triggered. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Instead of using an unhealthy coping mechanism that will keep you stuck in a pit of low self worth, how about using some of what you've learned during your studies to find professional help?

Have you Googled "online therapy"?

I suffered from debilitating anxiety and depression during the worst of the pandemic.  Instead of telling myself "I'm going to stay anxious and depressed because a lot of other people are too!" and staying miserable I sought professional help.  I am infinitely better than I was two years ago.  It's like night and day.

You're too young to just choose to feel awful for the rest of your life.  I bet if you got some help and stuck with it you'd find your life improving in ways you can't even imagine right now.

I’ve definitely had really high peak moments in my life which proves I can do it. A lot of it has came from what I have studied. I believe what has happened and where I am at right now I completely lost myself. I now need to work at regaining myself. Coming back home so that I am comfortable once more without depending on anyone for happiness. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

I’ve definitely had really high peak moments in my life which proves I can do it. A lot of it has came from what I have studied. I believe what has happened and where I am at right now I completely lost myself. I now need to work at regaining myself. Coming back home so that I am comfortable once more without depending on anyone for happiness. 

And hopefully you realize trying to force this relationship is a large part of what is causing your distress.  He isn't the solution to it.

The longer you keep acting against your own best interest, the longer you'll struggle.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

30 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

I’d love to change my reaction but really struggle to. When I am triggered I become unconscious and before I know it, i’ve convinced myself to react in a way that damages the relationship. I really want to get out of this pattern but it is extremely difficult. U know how everyone has lessons to learn on this earth? Well I definitely believe this is one of mine- Knowing how not to react when emotionally triggered. 

It’s not about knowing. It’s a choice. It’s not an unconscious choice.  You seem to be focused on abdicating responsibility for your choices. You find what tools work for you to make different choices. For example I have to react in a calm way whenever possible to my son pushing my buttons. So I’ve come up with ways to stop myself from reacting with frustration in the moment which often is around 7am.
 My tools include : 4-7-8 breathing, pressing my hands down on the counter or a firm surface and counting as I press each finger onto the surface , walking away if it’s safe to do so, focusing on something on the wall to center myself. 

I can use the excuse too that if I raise my voice it’s a reflex almost - an impulsive reaction - but with a lot of practice I’ve taught myself to pause in some way when I feel the feeling. Also I practice preventative measures - I rehearse and expect he will push my buttons especially when it’s time to leave for school so I make sure I’m already centered and calm. 
you can do the same. If you’re willing to stop making all the can’t help if excuses and do the work. Find your own tools and mantras. Good luck !

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

It’s not about knowing. It’s a choice. It’s not an unconscious choice.  You seem to be focused on abdicating responsibility for your choices. You find what tools work for you to make different choices. For example I have to react in a calm way whenever possible to my son pushing my buttons. So I’ve come up with ways to stop myself from reacting with frustration in the moment which often is around 7am.
 My tools include : 4-7-8 breathing, pressing my hands down on the counter or a firm surface and counting as I press each finger onto the surface , walking away if it’s safe to do so, focusing on something on the wall to center myself. 

I can use the excuse too that if I raise my voice it’s a reflex almost - an impulsive reaction - but with a lot of practice I’ve taught myself to pause in some way when I feel the feeling. Also I practice preventative measures - I rehearse and expect he will push my buttons especially when it’s time to leave for school so I make sure I’m already centered and calm. 
you can do the same. If you’re willing to stop making all the can’t help if excuses and do the work. Find your own tools and mantras. Good luck !

Yes exactly, these are the tools I need and I agree with that, I need to find all the ways I get triggered in order to stop it. I shall create this list tomorrow. Thank you

Link to comment
Share on other sites

32 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

And hopefully you realize trying to force this relationship is a large part of what is causing your distress.  He isn't the solution to it.

The longer you keep acting against your own best interest, the longer you'll struggle.

Literally everything you said in this paragraph is exactly what I needed to hear. I need to act in my own best interest now

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Redyroo said:

Obviously my conscious brain knows none of this is true. I study psychology. But it’s the inner child and subconscious part of my brain that believes it.

During your workouts or while taking long walks, consider splitting a conversation in your head between the adult and the child parts of yourself.

Let the child voice her fears, then practice comforting the child. Explain to the child what your adult self has since learned, and ask for the child's trust as you navigate this challenging time and confirm for all aspects of yourself that you are resilient and smart and lovable.

Teach the child how to love herself, not just through these discussions, but by modeling for the child how well you can thrive.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

During your workouts or while taking long walks, consider splitting a conversation in your head between the adult and the child parts of yourself.

Let the child voice her fears, then practice comforting the child. Explain to the child what your adult self has since learned, and ask for the child's trust as you navigate this challenging time and confirm for all aspects of yourself that you are resilient and smart and lovable.

Teach the child how to love herself, not just through these discussions, but by modeling for the child how well you can thrive.

Thank you for your kind words 🥲🥹 I will try my very best, right now I feel like my inner child is upset because I have been shaming her and abandoning her for acting out. I will try my best to talk to her before bed tonight 🙏♥️

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 9/18/2022 at 3:55 AM, MissCanuck said:

I would not send any message at all, OP. 

You are completely over-explaining yourself and pandering to him at this point, and you need to take a deep breath and step back.

My vote? No letters. No messages. Make a call to a health-care provider or crisis intervention services intead, so you manage your distress and suicidal thoughts. That is where you need the most urgent care and support right now. 

^ I second the above.  Way too much over-explaining. I would not send any message.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

^ I second the above.  Way too much over-explaining. I would not send any message.

I’ve made a plan to send a goodbye message by week 1. This is to help me finally move on and show him i’m no longer having any hope that we will get back together. It will be a shorter message and one where I take responsibility for my half. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 hours ago, Redyroo said:

. I think I may have actually made myself ill from crying so much. Can feel a scratchy throat, headache and blocked nose coming on. 

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. That is the first and best place to begin taking care of yourself. Ask for an referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Unfortunately you seem inordinately mired in psychobabble and that is hindering you tremendously.

Read the book 📚 "He's Just Not That Into You". It will help you get rid of timewasters who keep you a secret, make you jump through hoops and other assorted signs of lack of interest. 

Sadly you seem hellbent on writing this letter hoping to get this creep back.

Life is really not that complicated. You're making it that way with all the psychobabble. 

It's simple. If a man is Into you, you don't have to live in pain, change yourself, apologize, change your faith or chase him.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

33 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

I’ve made a plan to send a goodbye message by week 1. This is to help me finally move on and show him i’m no longer having any hope that we will get back together. It will be a shorter message and one where I take responsibility for my half. 

I was thinking of sending this actually instead:

 

“Hey, I would like to clarify what is happening right now. Things were heated when we last talked and when I asked you about a break you said you would sleep on it. Thus far it seems like we are on a break so I just want to clarify. It’s been 5 years together and i’m hoping at least something we learned in those 5 years is clear cut communication.”

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

 It’s been 5 years together and i’m hoping at least something we learned in those 5 years is clear cut communication.”

More lecturing.  More guilt trips. More begging. Just stop it. He knows your contact info. If he wants to get back together, he'll contact you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

More lecturing. Just stop it. He knows your contact info. If he wants to get back together, he'll contact you.

Aye but have you ever been in a relationship 5 years and who was your first? Like this is not nice to see. Especially the fact that for 5 years we really did try and got through so many difficult periods. I’m the one who was mistrusting him so I have to make up for that. He’s hurt because he’s given me so many chances and yet I still kept doing it. It’s the least I can do.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, Redyroo said:

. Especially the fact that for 5 years we really did try and got through so many difficult periods. 

Exactly. "So many difficult periods" means you're not compatible.

Did he ever apologize to you for keeping you a dirty secret? No. Is he writing letters? No. Is he converting to your religion? No. And yet you're wasting your time composing draft after draft in an obsessional manner to avoid feeling abandoned.

Please for the sake of your mental health, let this creep go. Work on your obsessive attempts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. A psychiatrist and therapist could help you with that.

  • Thanks 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly. "So many difficult periods" means you're not compatible.

Did he ever apologize to you for keeping you a dirty secret? No. Is he writing letters? No. Is he converting to your religion? No. And yet you're wasting your time composing draft after draft in an obsessional manner to avoid feeling abandoned.

Please for the sake of your mental health, let this creep go. Work on your obsessive attempts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. A psychiatrist and therapist could help you with that.

Thank you Wiseman, I needed to hear that 🥺 you’re right, i’m just trying to not face feeling abandoned. I need to face it.

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

22 minutes ago, Redyroo said:

Aye but have you ever been in a relationship 5 years and who was your first? Like this is not nice to see. Especially the fact that for 5 years we really did try and got through so many difficult periods.

I have. 6 years and I came here to this forum when I needed help and needed some in-your-face advice.

I can tell you it was tough at first going through heartbreak, but gosh, I have never been happier. With the help of books, ongoing therapy, making new hobbies and friends, ect.  You will not regret this and you will go on an empowering journey. You may not feel it right now, but with time and space you will have moments of clarity and understand that you indeed needed to leave this and reconnect with yourself.

I second 100% what wiseman said. Keep coming back and re-read this thread when you feel tempted to reach back to him.

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly. "So many difficult periods" means you're not compatible.

Did he ever apologize to you for keeping you a dirty secret? No. Is he writing letters? No. Is he converting to your religion? No. And yet you're wasting your time composing draft after draft in an obsessional manner to avoid feeling abandoned.

Please for the sake of your mental health, let this creep go. Work on your obsessive attempts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. A psychiatrist and therapist could help you with that.

 

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 hours ago, Redyroo said:

Yes exactly, these are the tools I need and I agree with that, I need to find all the ways I get triggered in order to stop it. I shall create this list tomorrow. Thank you

I wrote -and I need to clarify -these are just tools I have chosen and it's essential to find those that work for you.  I was just giving examples. I wouldn't necessarily create a list - start with a mantra or a ritual or approach that works for you in a particular situation.  Trial and error to find what works for you.  But IMO it's worth the effort.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I have. 6 years and I came here to this forum when I needed help and needed some in-your-face advice.

I can tell you it was tough at first going through heartbreak, but gosh, I have never been happier. With the help of books, ongoing therapy, making new hobbies and friends, ect.  You will not regret this and you will go on an empowering journey. You may not feel it right now, but with time and space you will have moments of clarity and understand that you indeed needed to leave this and reconnect with yourself.

I second 100% what wiseman said. Keep coming back and re-read this thread when you feel tempted to reach back to him.

 

Thank you Darkchoc, I will do just that. I’m sorry you had to go through that, especially after 6 years together. I would like to hear your story if we could contact each other somewhere. I have so many questions. You give me hope, it’s refreshing to hear that you managed to get through. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share


×
×
  • Create New...